Funny / Fillmore!

"Oh. Right. Not a problem. We're going with a tripod. It's got wheels and everything."

General

• Any time Vallejo screams, FILLMORE!
  • One memorable one was after Fillmore had caught a mime (long story); Vallejo does his scream and is promptly mimicked, silently, by the mime who proceeds to chew the scenery silently. Without turning around...
  Vallejo: [flatly] Stop that.

Season One

• In "To Mar a Stall", while Tehama is dusting the vandalized stall, O'Farrell steps in for a shot, triggering the motion sensors and spraying her in the face; she calls over her shoulder that the sensors need to be turned off "before O'Farrell drowns me" and O'Farrell, in a hilariously out of character bout of annoyance, snaps back "Will you stop referring to me in the third person? I'm Standing Right Here!"
• From "Test of the Tested":
  Folsom: "The last thing I want to see is twelve hundred kids having to take this test over again." *Door slams open*
  Kid in a cow float ring: "We'll have to take it over?! The SATTY-9 Synthesis-Aptitude-Tryout-Test-Yearly was the hardest test I've ever taken! IT TOOK THREE HOURS! I saw spots! I developed this spontaneous French accent! I can't take it again! I can-" *Gets cut off by Fillmore splashing water in his face*
  • And, a few seconds later, as Elliot is being led away from the scene...
    Ingrid: Um, Elliot? The reason to wear boxers is to avoid mooning strangers. Maybe you should get some new ones. Or maybe a big patch. [Elliot realizes his boxers are torn, covers himself, and runs off]
    Vallejo: People, can we cover Elliot's butt please?
  • Don't forget Ingrid's massive discomfort at being around the children who are upset about the test being stolen as they are all in a special therapy session with a weird counselor.
  • There's also this gem: Fillmore and Ingrid are called into Principal Folsom's office so she can lambast them over why the answer sheets haven't been recovered. Her phone is ringing. Her reaction to this? In a very calm, happy voice: "You hear that? That's how it's been since the answer sheets got stolen. I hear it in my sleep. I add milk to my crisped rice cereal and it sounds like my phone!"
  • Also Fillmore tricking Ingrid into thinking the Boys locker room is clear, only for her to get an eyeful of a guy in a towel.
• "A Wurm in our Midst":
  Danny: Hey Tony, is your refrigerator running? Like you? [Beat] Man that was weak!
  • Another from the same episode, when it was revealed that all of the library books were missing, played completely serious:
    Fillmore: This ain't good.
    Librarian: "Isn't".
    Fillmore: Isn't.
    [dramatic fade to black]
• In "Cry, the Beloved Mascot", when Fillmore accidentally reveals to a student that Lobsty's been lobsternapped, the student runs out into the school's outdoor sports area screaming this news to people, causing all the kids outdoors to spontaneously panic and scream, and a girl and a boy can be heard going "SPIRIT WEEK IS RUINED!" and "I COMPLETELY AGREE!"
  • Also at the start, after someone attempts to pie Folsom (with Ingrid Taking the Bullet and being amazed she took one for Folsom), Fillmore takes the remains of the pie and puts it in a box labelled
  Evidence - Do Not Eat! (That means you, Vallejo!)
• From "Red Robins Don't Fly":
  • Fillmore and Ingrid need new walkie talkies, as their old ones have been broken. So Fillmore pulls a bit of trickery.
    Fillmore: Sorry man, I was comin' up to— Hey, Vallejo. Is this your card? [drops card, spins around and knocks over projector screen]
    Vallejo: My what? Woah!
    [Fillmore quickly picks projector back up]
    Vallejo: Nice catch.
    Fillmore: Huh, listen man, ain't no thing but a chicken on a string.
    Vallejo: Huh?
    Fillmore: [smugly] Exactly! Oh, and uh, could you sign this communications report?
    [Vallejo, rightly confused, mindlessly signs the forms for the new Walkies]
    Fillmore: Cool.
  • O'Farrell begging to go undercover as a Red Robin and showing up at a briefing in full regalia. He bought the wig and everything! Also, Vallejo's deadpan response to the question of what O'Farrell is supposed to do with the wig: "Lots of things."
• In "Nappers Never Sleep" Lorraine's father is a fountain of them:
  Mrs. Konquist: I almost made it out of the house, and then someone decided to read War and Peace in one sitting!
  Lorraine's dad: I'm on page two-twenty!
• In "Ingrid Third, Public Enemy #1", Fillmore confronts Ingrid, who he saw (supposedly but in reality it was Parnassus) run away from a practical joke shop and drop a pin for the boy band "Dancey Lads". He walks into her house, drops the pin on Ingrid's table, and her reply is to glare at him and say "How dare you bring a Dancey Lads pin into my house!"
• "Masterstroke of Malevolence". As depicted in the page image, Vallejo announces during roll call that with Fillmore and Ingrid going on a field trip that day, Anza and Tehama will be filling in for them. He begins to continue the other announcements when O'Farrell points out he's going on the trip too and asks who's replacing him. Vallejo, either having forgotten or just didn't care O'Farrell would be gone for the day, says they'll just use a tripod.
• In 'Two Wheels, Full Throttle, No Brakes', when they use Ingrid as a distraction to prevent anyone from noticing Fillmore taking a priceless antique scooter during a bocce ball game, one of the metal shop/scooter thief kids in the stands points to her (disguised to the nines in a suit and monocle) and monotonically shouts in a poor British accent:
  Howie: I SAY! That LASS is STEALING my SCOOT-AH!
  • Later, Fillmore uses Vallejo's bike to bring down the culprit, and of course, smashes it. Vallejo's restrained shock is priceless.
    Vallejo: Uh... Fillmore... please tell me that's not my bike.
  • As a student is being led away from a corn maze he was trapped in for several hours he looks at the news camera and begins to babble: "The Corn...it all looks the same...IT ALL! LOOKS! THE SAAAAAAME!!!!!!!"
• In "Of Slain Kings on Checkered Fields":
  • The principal's monologue about how Checkmatey's victory at the chess tournament would bring glory to the school as she's changing the settings on her voice activated massage chair, and that "The void in our trophy case and the void in my heart will be filled! DEEP TISSUE!"
  • Checkmatey's hilariously lame rapping soon becomes enough for Fillmore, prompting this exchange:
    Fillmore: And you know what else I want from you? Complete silence man! 'Cause straight-up, dude, you're the whackest MC I've ever heard.
    Checkmatey: Hey, that's low! You can cut me down yo, but not my verse'!
    Fillmore: You just rhymed "bomb" with "wisdom." Now, that is pathetic. You better stick to chess man, 'cause your mic control is seriously lacking.
  • At the end, Folsom talks about how she's happy about the turn of situation and that her back no longer hurts to Fillmore... only to do a Double Take when she sees that Fillmore isn't the student next to her, having gone to do a sloppy joe contest against Joyce.
    Folsom: ...Raycliff, who is this?
    Raycliff: His name is Linwood.
    Folsom: Well, where's Fillmore?
• In "A Forgotten Yesterday" O'Farrell forgets to take off his wire and the entire safety patrol hears his mother lecturing him about his underwear.
  Danny's Mother: Danny, you're not wearing your Thursday underwear today, are you honey?
  Danny: Aw, come on, Mom!
  Danny's Mother: Now, dear, you know I write the days of the week in your underwear for a reason.
  Danny: I'm too old for this, ma!
  Danny's Mother: If you wear Thursday's underwear on Tuesday, what pray tell are you gonna wear Thursday, hm?! And what's this thing clipped to your shirt?
  Danny: SWEET SASSALEY MOSES, THE WIRE! TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!
  • When he comes back to the office later, the Safety Patrol left a pile of underwear on his desk.

Season Two

• In "The Shreds Fell Like Snowflakes", O'Farrell's attempts at drawing.
  • First at the patrol meeting...
    O'Farrell: After talking to the victims and filling in the blanks using my artistic and crimefighting gifts, I have put together a detailed sketch of the Shredder. Behold!
    Tehama: Okay, what the heck is that?
    Fillmore: Uh, no offense Danny, but, that kinda looks like Tiger Woods on a very bad morning.
    Ingrid: Oh yeah, and that's his elbow.
    Beat
    Ingrid: At least I hope that's his elbow.
  • ...And later again at the science fair.
    O'Farrell: I have another sketch. Behold! The Shredder.
    Fillmore: It, uh, kinda looks like an oyster. Without the shell.
    O'Farrell: Wait a minute, Fillmore. Are you telling me that the perp is some kind of mutant oyster?!
    Fillmore: No. No, Danny, I'm not.
    *Beat - Danny realizes the implications of what he said*
    O'Farrell: Okay. Carry on.
  • The first victim in the episode is later found huddled on the floor saying "Ay mamacita" over and over again. His friend goes "Your momma sat on what?!"
  • In the same episode, Sherry thinks Lorenzo's petition was to save the rainforest. She immediately says she's into environmental causes—then applies a cloud of hairspray to her hair.
• In "The Nineteenth Hole is a Shallow Grave", O'Farrell has a Small Name, Big Ego reaction to Fillmore winning a golf tournament while he is caddying and tries to claim that it’s all because of him.
• The opening to "Foes Don't Forgive" has Fillmore and Third chasing a thief who has stolen the school's entire supply of dried corn. Why? He thinks de-cobbing corn "is murder, man!" And where does he hide it? In the school sauna. He admits it wasn't the best idea as they dodge the resulting tsunami of popcorn.
  • Ingrid then says she hopes Folsom wasn’t planning to do anything important with that popcorn. A Gilligan Cut later, Folsom is shown talking about the ruination of her plans to use free popcorn to make more people attend the talent show than did last year.
• In "This Savior, a Snitch," Folsom judges a macaroni sculpting contest and names a sculpture of herself as the winning entry while talking about all the magnificent qualities it supposedly captures.
• Vallejo's reaction in "A Dark Score Evened" when Fillmore tells him he assigned O'Farrell as bully Rochelle's bodyguard: "Fillmore, O'Farrell's not trained to use the stapler, let alone bodyguard somebody!"
  • Just the notion that O'Farrell somehow proved incapable of using a stapler.
  • In another scene, O'Farrell complains about being unable to understand why he makes the list of the top ten "Fashion Felons" in their grade every year right before putting on what might be the least chic-looking outfit anyone wears in the whole series.
• In "Field Trip of the Just:, O'Farrell tries to get the class parrot to reveal the culprit to no avail. By the end of the episode, he's still trying to, even though the case's been solved and the bird just pecked him.
  Ingrid: You think we should tell him?
  Fillmore: Nah. Give it another hour.