WARNING: This fic, as well as the liveblog, will be rated "R" for swearing, adult content, and general WTFiness that hasn't been seen before or since. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.
Hello, one and all.
From the batshit insane mind that brought you a shitload of liveblogs comes something like you have never seen before. The Iliad/The Odyssey of badfics, if you will. A badfic so, well, bad, it's compared to your worst Eldritch Abominations as to how mind-fucky and insane it is.
What am I talking about? Why the fuck am I not liveblogging The Prayer Warriors? For the second question, it's because Tommy Boy hasn't really updated it since. As for the first...
It's a Naruto fanfic. One that is so irredeemably bad, it's God-awful. But first, have a short synopsis of what the anime/manga series is.
Naruto is a story of one ninja who dreams of becoming a Hokage, the highest level for ninjas in his world. The thing is, the titular ninja has a demon inside him, because some of the most powerful ninjas decided to seal said demon in his body (as an infant, mind you) after it was wreaking havoc and causing lots of lost lives. But in true Shonen fashion, that never bothers our hero as he tries to achieve his goal with the help of his friends.
As for this story? It turns everything upside-down. Not just the fact that the characters are derailed, oh, no. We get tracts and whinings over the author's life, a typically overpowered Marty Stu, incomprehensible spelling errors, and...this shit goes on for 70 fucking chapters. Yeah, you think The Prayer Warriors was bad? You haven't seen anything yet.
What am I talking about? The "legendary" Naruto Veangance Revelaitons. And yes, I will be covering all 70 chapters. So buckle up and hang on tight, because...
It. Begins. Now.
So let's get started with...
So we start with the Author's Notes, where the writer, BadassJakeT97, helpfully tells us that it's a story he wrote that's set in Naruto's world. Uh, dude? If you posted it under, well, Naruto, I think everyone would notice it right away.
Oh, and he also states that there will not be any Ho Yay, for two guys making out is gross to him. And he also insults the Yaoi Fangirls (and Fanboys) by stating that he is not a, by his own admission, "fuckin yaio"—no, no. He calls them, well, how do I put it delicately...
A fuckin(g) Yaoi...slur against gay people. I'm sorry, I cannot say that "f" word! I don't want to offend anyone!
Anyway, we start by having the main character narrate. He has already arrived at Konohagakure five days after leaving his home. Immediately, he meets with Sakura, one of the members of Team 7, which also consists of Sasuke (Mr. Base Breaker), Kakashi, and Naruto himself. Keep in mind that as of right now, we don't really get descriptions of these characters. Instead, we get the main character describing himself.
Who's this kid? His name is Ronan Beelzub. And this is only the beginning of his descriptions.
- "i a 13 years old and have just come to the town. i am 6" tall and hav dark blue hair dat looks like justin beibers hiar (i dont liek him tho FUCK HIM HE SUCKS ALL MODERN MUSIC FUCKING SUCKS). "
...first, he described himself, albeit unintentionally, as a midget. You'll see how baffling it is when we get to the next part of the decription in a few minutes. Secondly...he bashes Justin Bieber. And not just him, but all modern music. So to him, Drake, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, The Black Keys, Cobra Starship, Usher, Kesha, Adele, Rihanna, Tinie Tempah, Kanye West, Taylor Swift, and Green Day, among a shitload of other artists, sucks.
Uh...okay. I admit that right now, music is getting pretty...meh. But to say that all modern music sucks? Isn't that a little extreme? And how does he even know that all modern music "fucking sucks"? Did he even listen to the music?
The description continues. He describes himself as having 28 feet biceps (again, a punctuation error, but still!), very muscular, and...get this...his male member? A fucking two feet. Seriously! How the fuck does it stay in his pants?!
Oh, and that male member with the out-of-fucking-nowhere length? It's fat, too. Because you do not want to know what he does a lot, but Ronan will be more than happy to not spare you the TMI.
Also, want to know the reason as to why he left home? To fuck new girls. I am dead serious. Because the girls back home? Overused lay, if you will. And we get a small mention about how "special" he is. Why? He shoots dark blue lights out of his hands, causing destruction (or "holes in stuff"), and because of that, he's always been afraid that his hometown would not understand his power.
Oh, if they only knew...
And we get this piece of WTF.
- "the new ton was so diffent because it was japan and im not japanese im american and hapan is different from america tho this wasnt realy japan it was one of the shinobi natons."
Confused yet? In fact, how the fuck did he get to Konohagakure if he's from the good-old U.S of A? In five days, no less? Did he take a plane, did he teleport, what?
Oh, and once again, Ronan wants to fuck the girls. Ugh.
And good God, the descriptions take forever! We get to his clothing, which, to summarize it, includes a black cloak, red shoes, some chains, and a headband that glows. And has knives. Upon seeing the headband, how it glows, and how it grows fucking knives—in that order—Team 7 decides to have Ronan come with them to a temple. Why? So they can train and figure out where the fuck he came from. Okay, they'll just train.
Then a snake. Who's that? Orochimaru! Or...Ochimura. What. Regardless, the battle goes like this. Team 7 gets curb-stomped, then Orochimaru takes Sakura. Ronan grows ten feet tall, and he shoots the shit out of the villain with those "dangerous" beams of his. He saves Sakura and scares the shit out of Orochimaru, who declares that they will meet again, and he flees.
Yeah. That's about it. Yawn.
Sakura is happy that Ronan's the chosen one. And then she rubs his huge-ass crotch. For no...reason at all. Okay, awkward. If I had someone rubbing my crotch for no reason, I'd call the police.
But here? Ronan doesn't object. Sakura remarks on how big he is. Ew! And so the chapter ends with Team 7 and Ronan heading to the temple so they can heal and find out who the fuck this guy is.
The ending Author's Note has him wanting reviews. And every Naruto fan would love it. Yeah, right.
This chapter, as its Author's Note, has Jake bitching about not receiving reviews. But he presses on anyway. By the way, expect his bitching to become a lot more frequent. And, gradually, less comprehensible.
In the temple, Ronan...well, he wakes up the next day, for he was exhausted. And we get the first of many, many, many sex scenes. This is between Ronan and Sakura. And to keep this liveblog as a light R, the descriptions will not be, well, described to you.
But there is one thing I'd like to point out: with Ronan's huge member, how the fuck can Sakura withstand it?! I mean, that would hurt like a, no pun intended, motherfucker. And how can Ronan even keep it in his pants?
Anyway, after Sex Scene #1, the group trains. During training...and I swear to God, I am not making this up...Sakura farts. She laughs and says that it was an accident, but guess what? If you guessed "it gets Ronan turned on", congratulations, you win a cookie. Try to eat it hours after you read this story/liveblog, alright?
Now, I shall state this. This is the start of many, many sickening fetishes Ronan and, to an extent, the writer has. I mean, if any of you guys are somehow fascinated by this stuff, it's fine...but for the love of God, don't write it out and upload it where everyone can see it. People can, and will, get sickened by this.
Again, if anyone out there is offended, I am so sorry.
So at night, we get into Sex Scene #2, and during it, Orochimaru arrives and...yes...takes Sakura again. Ronan asks for the other group members' help, and the chapter ends with him stating that there is a spirit inside him that will take him over. What's the spirit? What kind of powers does it have?
We don't know, for that's it for this chapter. And we get an author's note with BadassJakeT97 wanting more reviews and less flames. Yeah, with the story this horrible? Dude, it's no wonder why you're getting bad reviews.
So that's the beginning! Will Ronan save Sakura? Will we have repeats? And will I survive this mega-crapfest?
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto: Veangance Revelaitons!