Post Your Funniest Old Shame

For a Narrative Poem I wrote a badly disguised Self-Insert Fanfic (pft I divided it into stanza's that's it)

Teacher didn't accept it. Now I know why.

Not my oldest, but definitely my most shameful writing was the stuff I wrote when I went through two very contrasting (and thankfully short) phases. I wrote a bunch of very very very VERY bad rap-style poetry after I watched 8 mile at age 10.... Yeah. I don't need to say anymore on that, do I? The rest was my sort of flittering attempts at gothic. Never finished anything, definitely stenciled your typical quizilla plot point.. But still, if I come across it today I will burn it with fire.

Oddly enough, the stuff that I wrote when I was younger has aged pretty well. Funny....

For SOME reason when I was eight I thought it was a good idea to draw a picture book about a clown and a Native American looking on the moon for the clown's missing penis.

...apparently my eight-year-old self was smoking some good stuff.

My funniest Old Shame? Well, I don't got any of the manuscripts with me anymore as they're in the place called a landfill by now, however, they're etched in my memory and come up when I need to remind myself of how I used to be.

My funniest one... has to be back before I even discovered Fanfiction.net. It was a Final Fantasy VIII Script Fic involving the return of Galbadia and their attempts to overthrow Laguna and take over Ishtar. It sounds like a serious theme but the writing was just... horrid. It was full of delicious Narm so sweet it would give ya a toothache. Thank goodness I never finished it/it hasn't seen the light of day.

Most of my Old Shames haven't seen the light of day.

Observe.

Here. I was seventeen and VERY stupid

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3448111/1/A_Thenardiers_Redemption

edited 23rd Oct '10 9:09:11 AM by incoffeecity

Any time I tried to write a love scene before the age of 13 definitely qualifies ten times over. Mostly because I kept trying to avoid the word "kiss" for some reason. Now combine that with the Narmtastic prose of Christopher Paolini.

I had a story about a young farmer boy whose village got destroyed by a monstrous humanoid race and went on big adventures to stop the big bad.

Yeah.

Perhaps, had I finished it, I'D be the Christopher Paolini.

I don't really blame myself because I was 5 or 6 at the time:

Once upon a time, there were two kids named Joe and Sally. Joe was 9 years old, and Sally 6. Joe had blond hair, and Sally dark brown. Joe had brown eyes. Sally had blue eyes. They lived together in a big houseboat. They and their family moved from place to place constantly. Their family asked them to pick berries on the shore. Joe said "Oh, look a big berry bush by a cave. Let’s go pick some berries from there." Joe noticed something strange. One of the patches of grass looked like it had ripples. He was sure he was just seeing things. Suddenly, as they picked their final berry, Sally fell down and disappeared into the patch of grass, as if it were liquid. Joe dove after her. He also disappeared. They were falling down, down, down! They heard beeping horns. They smelled cinnamon. They tasted chocolate. They felt the dampness of clouds. They saw tie-died colors below. The colors were swirling! "Uh-oh", whispered Joe. "I think we're going to hit the ground." 1 mile. 1000 yards. 500 yards. 250 yards. 200 yards. 100 yards. 75 yards. 50 yards. 25 yards. 20 yards. 15 yards. 10 yards. 5 yards. 4 yards. 3 yards. 2 yards. 1 yard. 2 feet. One foot. 11 inches. 10 inches. 9 inches. 8 inches. 7 inches. "Now I'll know what it's like to be a bug coming towards a car", thought Sally as another inch went by. 5 inches. 4 inches. 3 inches. 2 inches. 1 inch. They waited for the splat, but they went right through it. They suddenly hit the ground and got knocked out. When they resumed consciousness, they got up. "What a horrid Dream" they both shouted. "What was yours?” said Joe. "I dreamed that I fell down a huge chamber and hit the ground." said Sally. "But that was my Dream!” Joe burst out. Only then did they realize where they were. "I don't think it was a dream, Sally. After all, do we sleep outside?" said Joe. Sally said, "I'm a real Sally, not a dream Sally." "Very funny, Sally, but I think we should get home now." said Joe. Only then did they notice the sign next to them. It read: Welcome to Shroona where Dreams come true The grass is most green and the sky most blue "What in the world is Shroona?", said Sally. Joe replied "I think its a place”. Then they saw a strange Bird. It was purple with green spots. It had a golden tail. The bird looked quite ferocious. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Joe and Sally screamed. Not really because of its ferocious looks, but more out of surprise. Joe came up with an idea. He threw a rock in the forest. "Fetch, Birdie!" he said. The bird went into the forest. He came back, without the rock. "Fly away bird." Joe said. The bird didn't move. He threw a rock at the bird. Joe then realized what happened to the first rock. The bird caught the rock in midair. In his beak, he crushed the rock to sand. "EEEK" Sally yelped. "So do you want to play catch?" A voice said. "Joe, this is no time for games!!!!" Sally said. Joe replied, "I didn’t say anything." Joe and Sally both turned to the bird. "I said would you like to play catch!!" the bird said. Joe and Sally jumped in the air. "Am I not speaking English here?” Sally replied, "Um......... you’re not supposed to be speaking English." "Oh, just where are you from?!?" the bird said. "Not here" said Sally. "Well of course, because if you lived here, you wouldn't have jumped in the air like that. Don't you know the risks of jumping in the air???!!!???!!! The witches can see you quite well enough without you jumping like that!!! And besides, there was nothing to be surprised of! All birds talk. And furthermore," he said quickly and quite angrily, for he did not think he should have to explain this to them. Joe and Sally asked "What witches? The bird didn't pay much attention to their question and in fact asked them a question. “What planet do you live on?" "Well why?!? Isn't their only one planet with people on it?!?!?" The bird simply replied by pointing at the sand with his beak. "We live on Earth." Joe and Sally said in unison, both quite scared. "And I'm the tooth fairy. What planet do you really live on?" said the bird quite sarcastically. "I told you the truth, we live on Earth." said Joe, very annoyed that the talking bird didn't believe them. "If you lived on Earth, which you don't, I'd give you a million greetings. But since you don't, all you'll get is another chance to answer my question. What planet do you live on?" the bird said. Instinctively, Joe was about to punch the bird, but he tripped and a few berries fell out of his basket. The bird ate one and started talking. "These berries only grow on Earth. If you're from Earth that means that one of the witches set up the liquiground. Only witches and greatly powerful sorcerers can set up liquiground. This can only mean one thing." "And what is that?" said Joe. "The witch wants lunch," the bird replied. "Well thanks for the nice chat and I’ve got to go." said the bird, as it flew away, for the witches do not only eat people from Earth. This scared Joe and Sally, because who wants to be abandoned in a place you've never heard of with someone who wants to eat you? They came up with an idea. Joe lifted Sally on his head where they had resumed consciousness. Nothing happened. "Rats. I thought we could get past the liquiground." Joe said.

Meanwhile, a witch (one of three sisters) cackled. It looked exactly like the witches in picture books (you know, pointy hat, black clothing, black cauldron, black this, black that, evil laugh, with an emphasis on the evil.) She looked into a telescope. Instead of a lens, the telescope had a crystal ball at the end. "Did it work?" the witch said in a soothing yet unpleasant tone. Purplish-pink smoke formed in the crystal ball. It spelled out YES. "Aanthe, Aanthe!" she called, like a master calling for it's dog. Out of the cauldron came a snake. "Yesssssssssss massssssssster?" said the snake. "The liquiground trap was a success. Go fetch my lunch for me." ordered the witch. “Yesssssssssss massssssssssssssssster." replied the snake.

Joe and Sally decided to go into the forest. “If we can't find our way back home over in that place, the only logical thing to do is look elsewhere" reasoned Joe. Hoot, roar, tweet, meow, bark, bubbububub. Practically every animal alive must have been in that forest. Unfortunately, Aanthe was quite alive. The animal sounds were soon replaced by disturbing sounds. Very faintly, they could hear Hahaha, and mwoohaha and Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! And Eek!!! . "Sally, that Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! E Ek!!! sounded a lot like you." Joe said. "Sally? Sally where are you?" Joe said. He climbed a tree to get a better view. The tree shook. He fell off. "Don't you know that climbing people is rude!" said the tree. "Oh, I forgot," Joe muttered, too wrapped up in the quest to find Sally to be surprised. He ran around the forest calling "Sally, Sally, where are you? Stop hiding!" Joe saw a snake slithering along a green path. The snake had two loops in it's tail. One was empty. The other had Sally.

Joe thought of something. When his Dad was teaching him about science, he told him that snakes were cold-blooded. The weather felt pretty cold. His dad also told him that cold-blooded animals keep a food supply, incase the weather got too cold. If he had a food supply, why would he want Sally? Joe could only think of one reason: the snake was working for the witch! Joe grabbed Sally. He tried to pull her out of the snakes loop. She was stuck pretty tightly "No! It's a trap! " screamed Sally. But it was too late. The snakes other loop had swung around. It caught Joe like a lasso.

Joe pushed and shoved and pushed and shoved and pushed and shoved. It seemed hopeless. When he finally did get out of the loop, the tip of the tail shoved him back in. Joe realized that the green path the snake was slithering on must be the path to the witch’s home-if the place where a witch lives could be called home. This made him all the more desperate. He pushed and shoved and pushed and shoved and pushed and shoved. He didn't get out. He came up with an idea. He hit the part of the snake right beyond his loop. The snake turned his head around. He swiped his hand through the snake’s mouth and pulled out the tongue. Joe then used the tongue like a shield to stop the tip of the tail. He then used the tongue like a tug of war rope to get Sally out of the other loop. When he got Sally out, he got the snakes tongue off of her. Before he could do or say anything, Sally stumbled into him like a domino, making both Joe and Sally fall into the lake nearby. The snake frowned. His master never did like soggy food.

In the water, Joe and Sally tried to talk to each other. But all that came out was "bubbubbubbububub" and "grglegrglegrgle". Joe felt it. He was losing air. And with it, he was losing energy and strength. He saw a distant creature in the background, quite hard to see because of his loss of air. It was coming closer. All Joe could see was nine very long appendages. Somehow, Sally saw it too, even though she was losing air at an even faster pace. Now Joe could see two of them. Now four of them, but he was pretty sure that was because the lack of air also made him see things. Two of them came for Joe, and two for Sally. Both Joe and Sally hoped they weren’t carnivorous. Both of the creatures stuck one appendage on Joe's mouth, and both the creatures stuck an appendage on Sally's mouth. Joe could see perfectly now. There were only two creatures, not four. And he could see the creature itself quite better now. Eight of its appendages were octopus tentacles. The other one was an elephant head and trunk.

The elephant-octopi could speak quite clearly, despite being under water. Soon, the term elephant-octopus was outdated by this, because the elephant-octopi soon said "We’re octophants." Soon, it's tentacles were taking them through a long maze of underwater caverns. "We will take you to our city," said the octophants. Joe was starting to run out of air again, and Sally too, so the octophants gave them again. By the looks of everything else in Shroona, Joe guessed that the octophants' city would be mystical. They came to a cavern with a hole in the top. The hole was covered by a door of sorts: a bunch of moss on a hinge made of two rocks. When they opened the moss-door, Joe and Sally were surprised. The octophants' city didn't have any water. "Our elephant head can breathe above water, and our octopus tentacles have gills on them that can breathe underwater." the octophant explained. "So you are really an amphibian?" asked Sally, for her father had taught her about amphibians. "I guess I am." said the octophant, because he had never really thought about whether or not he was an amphibian. The octophants' city was in another cave, but, as said before, it was not underwater. Joe and Sally got a tour of the city. There was a water fall with another cave behind it. The waterfall gave the octophants all water required. There was also a pool called the shellfish pool, and a garden called the grass garden, and the octophants got their food from these places. There was a bank, a school, and a hotel. They stayed at the hotel overnight. They did this because the hotel had towels and a drying machine.

Just as Joe and Sally were relaxing in their comfortable beds in their hotel room, they heard a noise very similar to a smoke alarm. They got out of bed, and started walking towards the hotel entrance. "I wonder what the sound is." said Sally. "Sounds like an alarm to me." replied Joe. "But an alarm for what?" questioned Sally. Joe speculated "Maybe the witch?" They walked out of the hotel, both speculating about what the alarm may be about. They finally traced the alarm to the shellfish pool. It was dry. The fish were dead, and there was a crack in the bottom. An octophant nearby was sounding the alarm with his trunk. "What's so bad about it? You can always get food from the grass garden!" asked Sally. The octophant answered "There has long been a legend that a plant called strangling seaweed lives under the shellfish pool. We are safe as long as it does not get into the shellfish pool, because from there it can easily get to the rest of the city!" And just then a long thin vine came out of the crack. Joe asked slowly "Is that strangling seaweed?" The octophant replied "Why yes, I think it is."

About this time, Aanthe had gotten back to the witch. "What do you mean they fell in the lake! You know I like my food alive!" "Do not Worrrrrrry Masssssssssssssssssssster. There issssssssssss a colony of octophants in that lake. They will mosssssssssssssssssssssst likely be ressssssssssssssssssssssssscued and dried." "But if you can’t keep them, then I'll have to send in the reserves." And the witch threw sand from her ingredient cabinet out the window.

The strangling seaweed lunged for Joe and Sally. Joe and Sally ran to the cave behind the waterfall. The strangling seaweed was still following them. It was an epic race between Joe and Sally and the strangling seaweed. The strangling seaweed was gaining on them. It was growing so fast that you could practically see whoosh marks behind the front part. Joe and Sally were just barely running faster, and that's just because they got a head start. Just as suddenly as it had lunged for them, it stopped growing. Joe and Sally turned around. They saw an octophant, quite obviously it had been strangled by the strangling seaweed. However, just before it would have died, it cut the strangling seaweed with its trunk. Joe and Sally continued walking down the cave, in search of something that could get them home. Sally fell into some sand. Slowly, she started to sink into the sand. "I didn't even imagine that this place had quicksand" Joe said under his breath. Joe attempted to pull Sally out of the quicksand. It didn't work. He told Sally "Try to float, like you were swimming." Apparently this quicksand didn't work like that. He tugged on Sally really hard. Sally just jerked in further. And Joe jerked in with her.

The quicksand started moving through the caves and caverns as if it were a car, except without the controls. It went in strange paths through the caves and caverns. In one of the caverns, there was a ramp like stone that went up. The quicksand went up it. If not harder, it was as hard to get out of this as it was to get out of the snake's loops. Joe and Sally were screaming. They were soon above ground and still moving. They moved through desert like places, jungle like places, and arctic like places. In one place, every thing in it was black and white; including Joe and Sally and the quick sand! In another, there was two of every thing, including Joe and Sally. In another, there was no ground, and the quicksand was floating. They came to yet another where everything (except Joe, Sally, and the quicksand) was extremely small and another where everything (except Joe, Sally, and the quicksand) was extremely big. All of them finally got to a castle. The quicksand (which Joe had guessed was alive by this point) threw them all into the castle. Joe said "I'm guessing this is the witch’s castle." The door slammed behind him and Sally. "How right you are!" a voice cackled.

Joe examined the castle. It looked like a dark and damp maze. He and Sally turned left and walked straight for several yards. They turned right and walked straight for several yards. Then they walked up a spiral staircase and through a doorway. The door slammed shut behind Joe and Sally. "I was waiting for you" said the same voice that told them that they were right.

"Apprentice, Apprentice, My lunch is here, would you please cook it for me!" said the witch. "Yes Weevil itch." said the apprentice, whose witch’s hat was upside down. "I am an evil witch, not a weevil itch! How many times do I have to tell you!" the witch said. "Um................ 2,753? Or is it a trick question?" said the apprentice. "That was rhetorical. Anyway, go cook this (and she pointed at Sally) While I add to my collection. (She pointed at Joe)"said the Witch. She had cast a spell on Joe and Sally so that they could not move their arms and legs and could not talk.

The apprentice was carrying Sally to the dungeon, which is a kitchen dungeon combo. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm lets see. Potion cookbook, mmhm. She said to use the wahturboyle potion, but we don't have enough ingredients, so we'll just have to substitute this disolve potion.” said the apprentice. Sally could already tell that the apprentice wasn't the most accurate oar on the boat. The apprentice’s cuckoo just struck 14. Sally came up with an idea. The witch only said the spell would stop her arms and legs. Sally used her head to ram the apprentice into her own disolve potion, and she melted. Unfortunately, because her legs couldn't move, she could not leave the room. Joe, on the other hand, was being taken by the witch to a place he did not recognize. It looked like a round room surrounded by a strange clear substance. When he looked closer, He realized that in the clear substance was 100s of kids, all of different ages, all of different countries, all from different times. Frozen. In place. He tried to move his hands, but couldn't. He scrunched up, because he could move his body. The witch said in that “I’m a villain “tone “I'm now going to project you into the bubblainia." She took out her wand. Joe lunged at the witch. He used his teeth to get her wand, and used it to prop his mouth open so he could cast a spell. He lunged at the witch again and this time took away a book from her. "Nevmin: Undoes a spell.” he read. "Nevmin!!!!!!!!!!!" he shouted. He could move freely now. He was going to destroy the witch, but first things first. "Sally! I'm all right!" He shouted, and ran down the corridors to save her. When he got there he shouted "Nevmin" with the wand in his hand. He and Sally ran down the corridors. Joe found the witch in a large ballroom of the castle. The ballroom was entirely grand, with everything encrusted in gold, and a large section of seats and tables surrounded a deep pit that Joe guessed was used for dancing. The witch still had a wand. "I always keep a spare." the witch said with an evil cackle. "I guess it's time for a showdown.”

Joe cast every destructive spell in the spell book at her, yet she seemed to either be able to dodge everyone he cast or they had no useful effect. He finally found one spell called "Ulatramegonasupa" which made the target ultimately destroyed even if they dodged it. However, the caster had to eat 12 Earth Berries. Joe counted. He only had 11! He ate them all, but still needed 1 more! Just then the bird crashed through the window. "I was banished because I abandoned the witch’s food! I realized that with the berries you have and the one I ate, you could destroy the witch! Look for it!” the bird said. Joe noticed an interesting spell. It was called "Yooerre Wattu Ettun". It made a replica of whatever the target ate. He cast it at the bird. Joe got another berry. He was about to eat it when suddenly the Witch yelled “ Encruciatisis Major!” Joe slowly felt an awful pain go through his body. He cast it. "Ulatramegonasupa!" It seemed to echo, first normally, then in slow motion. Soon the echo was getting more towards original speed. The echo receded, but a beam of light came down on Joe. Everyone could hear some kind of mystical sound. The beam of light soon came to the witch and moved away from Joe. Humongous earthquakes and avalanches came to the witch, then floods and hurricanes, except they didn’t get to Joe and Sally, as if there were some kind of deflective shield around them. Soon there were also tornadoes and 1000 mile a second winds. Then there were the fires. They were the size of 10 forest fires. Yet somehow all of these disasters stayed in the ball room. Joe and Sally ran out of the ballroom. They looked for someway to get back to Earth. Ironically, the Ballroom was destroyed, but the rest of the castle was untouched. They came to a strange room. It had flying carpets, an oven, broomsticks, an hourglass, a wand with a button on it, and a helmet. In the very center of the room was a genie lamp. “Think we could get some wishes? We could use them to get home.” said Sally. Joe thought it was a good idea. He rubbed the lamp. Out of the lamp came a girl. “I will need to explain everything from the beginning. I was a princess, the rightful heir to all of Shroona. One day the witch captured me and cursed the lamp so that the only person who could rescue me was the person who slayed her. Apparently, that is you.” said the princess. “This castle used to be mine, and now it is mine again. I will now send you home with the magic I have been working on in the lamp. But first, I will grant you one favor each. What will it be?” asked the princess. Joe thought really hard. He was sure he would do something with his wish to help someone else. But who would he help, and how? He finally came up with the perfect idea. “Those kids. Those ones who the witch has been freezing over the years. Free them as my wish.” Joe said. But suddenly he realized something. “Wait! You can’t just send them back to Earth. The pressure of being in the future would be too great. Send them back to their own time.” Joe said. “I am sorry, but time travel does not even exist in Shroona. But, since you think the pressure would be too great, I will make a whole village in Shroona just for them. But I will send the newer kids back to Earth. And Sally, your wish?” continued the princess. Sally thought a moment. She liked her adventure. “I wish Joe and I could come back to Shroona for more adventures.” she said. “Sally, No!” screamed Joe, because he had had enough of Shroona. “Both wishes will be granted. You are now home.” And before either could say anything, they were both by the berry bush where the whole adventure had started. “Sally, if your wish comes true, I am going to very, very mad at you!!” Joe said as he started picking some more berries.

I started work on a sequel but never finished it. I actually originally planned seven sequels. GOD am I glad I didn't.

Originally Stuck began life as a ten-page story I wrote in third grade titled "Stuck At Sticker Kat's". The way Tre got KO'd was via an attempt to stop a robber, and Cow's name was "Cowdiddlyhankybanky". Oh, and Nora and Tre only ended up becoming friends, not dating, and Tre never knew her before the story was set. The sequel ended up with Cow trying to start the apocalypse. Yes, really.

As one can probably figure out, the book got a massive retool once I rediscovered it in the 6th grade and wrote it again as "Stuck at the Galleria". Now it's almost as if it's a different book altogether. I actually make a couple of Shout Outs and Take Thats at it now, e.g. The fact that the Straight Shot's discount section is named "Sticker Cat's Savings Stop", and obviously the fact that I decided to justify Cow's nickname as being exclusively Cow (Carl Ollins Weisgerber).

edited 23rd Oct '10 10:12:38 AM by Tre

I'm most ashamed of Elemental Heroes. The characters were all one-dimensional and the main character was an Author Avatar God-Mode Sue. She had control over four elements, water, air, snow, and lightning, while Mark had fire and lava, Monroe had psychokinesis, and Markita had control over light. Oh, and she had a katana in modern times. It isn't explained. Whatsoever.

As for the one-bit personalities, Jordan was the Hot-Blooded Idiot Hero, Mark was The Stoic with a Dark and Troubled Past, Monroe was The Leisure Suit Larry who was Brilliant, but Lazy, Markita was the Distaff Counterpart and Tsundere love interest, and the villain was Shadow Jordan. Shadow Jordan! How unoriginal can you get? Making the main villain a pallet swap of the main character!

I plan on taking the idea, but changing it so that these problems are sorted out. For example, the main character would be a farm girl, Mark would be an android, Monroe would be older, and Markita would cease to exist.

edited 23rd Oct '10 11:51:56 AM by AwesomeZombie22

The first story I can ever remember writing was a ridiculously derivative fantasy with egregious use of Our Elves Are Better and general bad writing (in during Paolini references). My next attempt was a magic-free low fantasy with some of the most unrepeatably stupid naming conventions the world has ever seen.

I think the transition from 'crushingly lame' to 'not that bad' came a couple of years ago when I started planning an action thriller trilogy inspired by uber-violent Seinen and action movies. I later scrapped it because I had better ideas, but I think it could still be polished into a good story if I really wanted to do it.

My fanfic is, in fact, not an Old Shame - my first remotely bearable piece of writing was fanfic. Great practice as well, for sure.

edited 23rd Oct '10 2:24:19 PM by AsTheAnointed

At about 11, I wrote something based on me and my friends and our fort. It was basically a Captain Underpants and Kids Next Door ripoff.

Pretty much everything I've ever written is now Old Shame, and even worse, most of it is still online, complete with one of the ugliest web page layouts ever. There's this. And this. And this.

The funniest shame (which is thankfully not online) came out of a fourth grade writing exercise. The actual work is rotting in a landfill in Central California somewhere, but it involved a Gary Stu Indiana Jones Expy trying to sneak into "Snail Rock" (based on one of those Dollar Store cutouts we had in the classroom) and recover some vague artifact. I ended up spending over two months worth of "creative writing" time crafting that little epic, but can only remember the last two chapters. The first was when the hero found the artifact, only to be attacked by a demon, and gets his arm torn off and eye gouged before killing it. The second was the conclusion, where the doomed hero...found Santa Claus held hostage in Snail Rock's center, was healed, and went off for more adventure.

(And yes, I was sent to counseling after that. I was a very disturbed child.)

Most of my early works have been lost for better or worse, but I do remember one that I wrote when I was about 7 or 8 that featured a Self-Insert Protagonist fight in a gladiatorial tournament against a demon from hell. (who was inspired by Pinhead from Hellraiser) It ended in a bloody decapatation of the demon and his banishment back to hell. And yes, I wrote this for school and gave it to my teacher. She, suffice to say, was very shocked and called my parents for a conference.

Another I wrote when I was 11, and still have a copy of to this day, was a much more ambitious project: An Epic Fantasy Novel... It featured a pretty much generic fantasy plot, an entire race of mountain dwelling people all named Bob, and a disco party. Yes, a disco party in a fantasy novel. However, when I was 14, I began to rework the story and have been elaborating and improving it gradually, and it has evolved signifigantly over the years. (There is no more disco, for starters.) I could not call this one an "old shame" but a shame that has grown up and risen from it's shamefullness.

edited 25th Oct '10 6:59:14 PM by Ficus

Super pig! He was a pig with invisible wings! He had a sidekick called Little Pig who also had invisible wings. And a jaguar named Fireball, who I think also had invisible wings but never flew for some reason. And a harpy eagle. And, for some reason, a mockingbird.

They flew around in a spaceship shaped like a dolphin and had adventures for no particular reason.

Here is the first few paragraphs of a story which I thankfully enough abandoned. Its a part of the abandoned New Dawn series, which should tell you something. Here is Farewell Terrorcon, the book I will never, ever complete or look at again after this. Obviously Evil villains, a villain who is a member of a race another book said is extinct, and is a monster at that, when all other members of his species shown are Ridiculously Human Robot's. Oh, and it has a supposedly emotionless robot going on...and on...about how much it likes killing things.

I tried writing an erotica spinoff from my story that I was writing years ago. Hormone-Addled Teenager + Unsound Effect + inspirations from doujinshi= A very good result!

Now excuse me while I reach my Brain Bleach just remembering that, eurgh.

edited 25th Oct '10 11:40:37 PM by Foton

O dear, I had an enabler as a kid in the form of my best friend from down the street. We came up with this thing called All-World Proof which was basically a collective of characters culled from Star Wars, pro wrestling, TV commercials, cartoons, prime time television shows (Three’s Company! Happy Days! Lost In Space!) and children’s books (Ramona Quimby!) mashed together with a few “original” characters (frequently with completely original names like “Girl From Georgia”). And to make sure it’s totally shameful, we didn’t write the stories, we’d act them out on a tape recorder!

Our usual plot: he and I were running a restaurant and various characters would pop in and do funny stuff. That’s it, basically. Sometimes there would be some predictable over-arching plot (i.e.: Lily Tomlin’s Edith Ann character tosses a smoke bomb which causes everyone’s personalities to randomly switch. Hilarity Ensues.).

Bizarrely, Robot Chicken is on right now (mercifully with the sound off), and it kind of reminds me of All-World Proof. The fact that we frequently acted it out with the aid of Star Wars action figures probably lends itself to me making that connection.

edited 26th Oct '10 12:26:23 AM by Bananaquit

I have a bunch of stories I wrote about cats when I was in second grade.

Not the normal stories about cats, either. One went something like:

"Cats on dragonball Z

Once there was two cats woking dawn a rode and they saw a Sayun Hee fot and the cats won."

I wrote this at school, and was very proud of it.

My favourite part of this, apart from the spelling errors, is the implication that a Saiyan was walking along, saw some cats, tried to blast them and somehow managed to lose. Note that the cats are never stated to have DONE anything.

It's a pity I can only find my third grade journal - the second grade journal also had a Digimon fanfic with multiple parts and a story about cats fighting soul suckers from Might and Magic 6 (I think that was the one).

edited 26th Oct '10 3:45:40 AM by Spires

I wrote a Sci-Fi story and dedicated it to those yet to be born who will make the future reality.

The story was about a Crapsack World future where Earth is a wasteland battled over by aliens.....

At the time, the irony never occurred to me.

Also in the same story, there was an alien race known as the "2008-tians" because that was the year the first known evidence of their existance was detected, and for some reason, no one ever thought of a better name.

edited 26th Oct '10 9:33:01 AM by FrodoGoofballCoTV

In grade 8, I wrote a poem a day for a little over a year. 87% are angsty whinefests by a person who has nothing to whine about, 12% are about sleep or the lack thereof, and of the hundreds of poems I produced maybe five are decent.

I'm reading through some and my GOD I was whiny. And wordy. And everything rhymes, and the rhymes are terrible. I was going to post maybe one, but I honestly can't— they aren't funny, they are cringeworthy. Oh, one has a warning on it for "strong language," because I said fuck asdfghjkl;lkjhgfdsasdfghjkl;

edited 26th Oct '10 11:22:47 AM by Ronka87

When I was five I wrote some bad Enid Blyton style story where Mollie and Peter from The Wishing Chair Collection ended up at the Xiaolin Temple from Xiaolin Showdown and befriended Omi and...

I'm serious. I actually WROTE this. X_x

This is a story I wrote when I was 10 or 11. It was influenced by Kids Next Door and Captain Underpants. It contains Narm and failure at intentional humor. Read at your own risk.

Fort Kids!

Case #1:

The majic pens

These are the charicters.

Dillon(Age 10)-Dillon is the leader of the Fort Kids,and is A+ while in battle. A+ can make silly comics,and still be serius.

.

Joey(Age 10)-Joey is A- and lives in [OTHER COUNTY FROM WHERE I LIVED].He knows how to invint cool stuff like Bazzokas and robo Dinosours. Joe is a good kid,too.

Andy(Age 8 ) -Andy is B+. he is realy tuff and fearless.

Nelson(Age 10)-Nelson is B- and is a kid who is gooD at video games And is a little nieve.

Jake(Age 8) -Jake is J+ ,and a very mistevies kid. He is pretty sneaky and loves gross jokes.

Brody-Brody is Z+,and is a "Lyer" as Joe called him. He is also good with weapens.

Heith-Hieth is Z- and like Dillon,Joey and Jake,is a commeidean.

Elise(Age 9)- Elise is Dillon''s little sister. Shes clever,smart and way funny. Now wonder shes C+!

Report

"It''s me,A+,but you can call me Dillon.

Anyways,this story begains in my fort.

I was with Nelson(A.K.A. B-)

Heres da'' story.

Chapter 1

How it began

"I was making a comic.

Nelson was trying to stop me."

"Lets watch T.V." said Nelson "No way," I said "I''m wating for the others to arive.

"Just then,Joey(A.K.A A-),

Jack(A.K.A J+,

And Andy(A.K.A B+)showed up."

"You''re here!" I cried "Anyways,I called you becuse of these pens."

"Some dumb pens!?!" Said Andy "We came all this way for some dumb pens!?!"

"No!"I said "They can do more than write!"

"Yea," said Jack "They can just sit there!"

"Evryone laghed."

"Listen!" I said "They can make stuff!"

Chapter Two

The secret of the Pens

So I drew a picture with one the pens.

Suddently,it''s waist-up got out of the picture.

"I call him Super-Cool-Guy!" I said

"Hey!" Said Super-Cool-Guy "Can somebody get me out of here?"

We all left.

"Hey!" said Super Cool Guy "You get me out NOW!"

Later,we sent a note to the Secter One Zs.

We put our Fort Kid code on the note:

"I hope they get it!" Nelson said

"Of corse they will," Said Jack "The''re the coolest Fort Kids ever!"

Chapter Three

The coolest Fort Kids ever

In [PLACE I DIDN'T LIVE],two boys got kicked out of a Fast-Food place.

"Man," Said the one on the Left "if you would stop being a commidean we could become rock stars!"

"My humur is bad," Said the one on the right "Whats up with that!?"

"Shut you mouth,Hieth!" said the one on the left.

"Oh,lighten up,Brody!" Said Hieth(A.K.A. Z-)

"Why should I?" Said Brody(A.K.A. Z+)

Later,they walked to the''re fort.

"Somethings in the mail!" Said Brody

"Read it!" said Heith

They both read out loud:

"Dear Brody and Hieth,

Please come to the main fort to invesstigate these pens we found.

Over and Out,

Joey."

So they went to [WHERE I LIVED]

Chapter Four

C.K.E. Comics Inc.

"While Benny and Hieth were on there way,

I worked on a comic.

"Man!," I said "My pen broke!"

So when I made the cover,I accedently grabbed a majic Pen.

Oh yea,C.K.E stands for "Coolest Kids Ever!"

Anyways,I made a comic about ants who can beat The spagette sauce out out of you.

Chapter Five

[NOTE: This is supposed to be a comic about a bunch of stupid ants fighting a living piece of wood. I can't find it. :( )

Chapter Six

Uh-Oh!

After I was done,I went with Jack to get some pizza.

"I''m done with my latest comic." I said

"Did you use the majic pens?" Asked Jack

"No." I said

But,in my fort,something terrible was happining.

"I have esxaped!" Shouted the Wood Hunk "Now I will rule the world!"

"No you wo''nt!" Shouted Devel-ant.

The Wood just squashed them.

"Man!" Said one ant.

"Bummer!" said another.

"See Ya,losers!" Said the wood.

"You will pay!" Shouted Devil Ant

"You will pa-"

Another ant covered his mouth.

Chapter Seven

The Chapter After Chapter Six

On Brody and Heith''s jorney,they found Super-Cool-Guy.

"Get me out!" Said SCG.

"Ok," Said Brody "But only if you help us find A+."

"Ok." Said Super Cool Guy.

So they went to [WHERE I LIVED].

At my house,I was in the attick with my stick.

Then,I saw a small,broken peice of wood.

Suddently,it jumped up and attacked me.

So I pressed a butten on my stick,witch turned it into a Bazooka.

"I have this!" Said the wood as he heled up a magic pen.

I felt a guilt-thingey inside me,as I knew were he came from.

Quickly,he drew one of my monster-creatons.

It was the Glob Monster.

Its goo was green,and gross.

I tried to shoot it,but it just grew its goo back.

"Nice big,ugly,scary monster" I said nervusly.

It just Rored at me.

Lets just say it wa''snt a good night for me.

Chapter 8

The Chapter after The Chapter After Chapter Six,before chapter Nine

"I ca''nt believe you made a wood monster!" Shouted Andy.

"I did''nt see it!" I said.

"Yea,he did''nt see it!" Said Joey

While we were arguing,Brody,Hieth and Super Cool Guy were on there way to [WHERE I LIVED].

"You know," Said Hieth as they walked "We could of got our parents to drive us."

"Yea," Said Brody "I did''nt think of that."

"Just get me out." Said Super-Cool-Guy.

Just then,a big,,ugly monster poped out of no were.

"RORE!" It Rored.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Screamed all 3 of them

The monster picked Brody and Heith up,and ran across town with them.

Chapter 9

Call them by the''er code names now.

"Get you''re weapens!" Shouted A-

So B- got his remote,

B+ got his sword,

A- got his Utelity Belt,

J+got his Ray-Guns,

And I got my Bazooka.

But The Wood had something more powerful:

The Pens.

He drew a giant robot.

Quickly,Nelson pressed the button on his remote.

Sudently,it turned into a Giant Robot Dinosour.

The two Robots Fout.

"Cool!," I said "Robot vilonce!"

They fout until The Dinosour destroyed the robot.

"I can draw another one." Said the Wood

"Man!" Said J+

"Bummer!" Said Joey.

Chapter Ten

Elise is the greatest,bestest,coolsest,smartest-Elise! This is MY story

When Wood drew another monster, we all ran.

Then,my sister,Elise(A.KA.C+),showed up.

"Oh,Elise!" I cried "My best,smartest sister eve-

"Elise!" I''m saying right now.

Anyways,this is what really happened:

When Wood drew another monster, we all ran.

Then,my sister,Elise,showed up.

"Is that a Giantrobotdrawnbyanevilpieceofwoodbentondestroindtheworld?" Said C+

"Yes." I said.

"Ok." Said Elise.

"Wait a minute!," I said "You can help us!"

"Ok." Said Elise

"Go get a bottle of White-Out." I Said

"Ok." Said Elise as she ran to our house.

Chapter 11

The secret plan

That night,in the fort...

"I have to go back to [COUNTY WHERE HE LIVED]." Said A-

"All we need is a plan." said Jack

Then,B- had an idea.

"Huddle up!" He Said

"I think Ive seen bout evrything when B- has an idea!" Sang Joey

So we huddled up.

Mean While,in [PLACE BETWEEN THE DESTINATIONS IN WHICH WE LIVED], Z+ and Z- needed to get away from the monster.

"What we need to do is tickle him!" Said Hieth.

"That wo''nt work!" Said Brody

Chaper 12

The Plan gos in actoin

"Ok," Said A-

"Evry One Ready?"

"Yes!" We shouted

I have the White Out." Said C+

So we went to fight him.

Mean While,

Z+ ans Z- were still going to [WHERE I LIVED].

"I ca''nt believe your plan worked!" Said Z+

"I cant belive the monster didnt smile while he was laghing!" Said Z-

The White-Out did''nt work,

So we drew some stuff with our pens.

"Lets make a robot!" I Said

"Ok," Said A- "We''ll call him "The Kicker 8000!

So we all made diffrent parts of the robot.

"It''ll obey Our evry command!" Said J+.

"And it''ll have a microphone so we can give it commands!" Said B-

When we were done,I drew a Side-Kick for him.

"Lets write 1000 on him." Said B-

"Ok" I Said

Then,1000 small robots came out.

"Go beat the Spagette-Sauce out of that robot!" I said

"And grab that pen." Said B- to one of the robots.

Chapter 13

The flippy thing

A flippy thingy is a cool Acton-Cene with a dumb name!

So Flip Away!

[RIP-OFF OF CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS FLIP-O-RAMA'S. THE ROBOTS DEFEATED THE WOOD'S ROBOTS AND THE WOOD. NEVER DREW THEM :( )

This is how it works:

Turn the next page around really fast and it will look like The picture is moving.

Remember,only turn the next page.

(Add your own sound affects!)

Chapter 14

Hooray for Kicker!

"We won!" we all cried

"You think you won," Said Wood "but I have this! Hey,weres my pen?!?"

"Looking for this?" Said B- as he held up the pen

"Oh,no! Cried Wood.

"Kicker," I said "Take the Wood and the Small Robots to the moon."

"And do''nt come back!" Said A-

Chapter 15

The shortest Chapter Ever

They Won!

Chapter 16

Back to normal

"Well," I Said "Evrythings back to normal"

"I have to go home." Said Joey

"Ok." I said

later,evry one was home.

"We''re here!" Said Brody

"I think the missons over," Said Hieth "Lets go home

"Go—Home?" Said Brody as he fanted.

"Uh,Brody?" Said Hieth

"Well,thats the story.

And remember, never draw evil villains with majic pens."

No Wood(or ants) was harmed in the making of this book

Coming

Soon:

Fort Kids!

Case #2

The Powers Unleashed

what did you guys think of my old shame?