Your Funniest Tabletop Story

They are. I spent most of my time as DM going "NOW what the fuck do I do?"

Craziest times ever.

Today's session. Legend Of The Five Rings. Blue Oni is rolling a new character, Scorpion diplomat, of course properly masked. The GM's girlfriend plays an Otaku Battlemaiden named Asuka... and she's a real weirdo. Cue two one-liners:

Asuka (about Blue Oni's character): You wear a mask? Those zits you hide under it must be BIIIG!

Asuka (after killing an enemy): He'll be back in the next life as a TOILET BRUSH!

This (and the way GM's girlfriend looks) dangerously reminded me of a certain fictional Cloudcuckoolander. So I started calling the character ""Osaka" instead of "Asuka" (or, more precisely, "Ahsooka").
Me: So Osaka...
Asuka: ASUKA!

"what the complete, unabridged, 4k ultra HD fuck with bonus features" - Mark Von Lewis

The most fun I can remember, although it was slightly frustrating, happened when a friend of mine was D Ming. We're dropped in a foggy harbour town-kinda thing, and the DM describes one particular tavern in detail, a glaring Conspicuously Light Patch what roleplay narration is considered.

Some people of the group, namely the party rogue and (I think) barbarian, did not catch on, or didn't feel like getting the mandatory tavern quest, and asked what else was in the town. The DM replied that the only other structure in town worth mentioning was a prison. The barbarian suggests, completely out of the blue of course, that we storm said prison and set all the prisoners free. The DM, at this point, will not have any more of this faffing about and immediately retcons the prison away and states that the only sights in town is "two brothels and a cardboard box." At this point, the barbarian suggests lighting said cardboard box on fire, and the DM start looking rather annoyed. At this point, I, jaded from my own DM experience of trying to keep these people in line, quip "welcome to my world." To which, of course, the rogue responds "your world is two brothels and a cardboard box?"

Ah, the tales of CloudCuckoolandery that and similar sessions contributed with.

edited 25th Oct '09 6:54:11 AM by slowzombie

Liveblog | Deadblog

It was one of my first Dn D sessions with my friends and I was a dwarven fighter. There was a door we need to get through that was locked so I said "Well I have an axe as a weapon. I'll just chop through it." I then proceeded to roll horrendously and missed the door three times in a row at which point the wizard just blew it open. I still haven't lived that one down.

Judge others by the questions they ask not the answers they give.

Similar to Llyando's experience, as the same scout character, we came across a fast-flowing river in an underground cave with three or four rocks crossing it. The other two characters were really low on their agility and tumble scores, so it was my job to fasten a rope they could use to cross onto these rocks. I had rope and 20 pitons, so I make my first tumble roll and jump to the first rock. I proceed to mess up twice by botching my roll to hammer the pitons in, and both go flying into the water. I spent the remainder of my time taking 10 on each piton so i wouldn't lose them all. We were then set upon by a couple of dopplegangers and died.

An older gamer at U-Con was running a World War II themed Savage Worlds game, which he had marked down to free in order to attract players. My friends and I hopped on board and picked our characters out of the roster of (apparently) historical figures. My one friend (we'll call him Desert Punk from now on for clarification) and I were playing as Nazi saboteurs on an allied vessel while my other two friends, "The Rake" and "Old Skoolah" were officers in the crew. The vessel was part of an experiment in some kind of interdimensional travel that went awry, landing us in some sort of magical ocean of Cthulhu farts (for lack of a better term :)).

While The Rake and Old Skoolah's characters were fighting a desperate losing battle against an army of deep ones and zombies Desert Punk and I are busy trying to blow up the magnetic coils on the front of the ship in order to... um, well, because they looked important and sciencey and we hoped to put an end to all the madness. Just as The Rake's character is critically injured and it seemed the Allies couldn't hold out much longer, the C4 we set below deck go off, destroying the coils from below and de-animating the zombies. The deep ones respond by dragging off the corpses and calling it a victory.

The Rake's (Out-Of-Chatcer) response? "You lovable nazis!"

...Then Old Skoolah got possessed by an elder god and killed everyone.

I ran a game of D&D the next night at our friend Pie Wrapper's house where the party asked for reinforcements for their suicidal dungeon crawl and are given a henchman named [[Nodwick]]. He spent the entire crawl carrying an anvil for Pie Wrapper's dwarf and was given to a Mind Flayer in the last chamber as a token of goodwill.

The night after that, our last night of gaming for the week, involved a world where the forces of darkness had overrun everything and plunged the world into total darkness, run by The Rake. Pie Wrapper and I were a human monk named Hiram Cranis and a dwarf barbarian named Bim Bisekmeng, respectively. Hiram was your typical, level-headed monk and an all-around super dependable guy. Bim was... Chaotic Neutral. They were both on their way to warn the last major city of an advancing army of evil.

Over the course of the adventure, Bim revealed a bizarre belief regarding elves and a plot to steal people's names to make more elves, attempted (and succeeded)) to pawn a stolen toaster for booze, got his stuff stolen by a hooker, and somehow picked up an invisible chorus that would sing the theme to Yor The Hunter From The Future whenever he went into rage. (and speaking of rage, he used it to open a locked door on one occasion.)

edited 20th Nov '09 8:00:56 AM by darnpenguin

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

"The party dealt all the damage I took. I got hit in the face with a brick, and then set on fire." - Diana
"I told her to move out of the way!" - Dan

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.

Systems with negative traits are nice. Systems with spectacular failures/successes can lead to funny moments when the Random Number God has a good day. A party where 4 out of five have greed as a negative trait, are confronted with a large treasure chest, all four fail their dice rolls and three of them in a spectacular way ... Hilarity Ensues.

Oh, and another thing from a session before that. 4 people - the mage decides he's Too Awesome to Use and conserves mana - have to fight 7 orcs. Finnagles Law kicks in and the one who only has to deal with a singular orc is the only one still fighting at the end with the orc nearly dead. She is seriously pissed off at this point and warns the other players not to interfere - of course one feels encouraged to be a Jerkass and steal her finishing blow. He runs toward the orc, jumps, performs a The Matrix-esque combat maneuver with heavy roll penality, succeeds ... all the while the orc tries to evade a blow from the other player, rolls a critical failure and kills himself with his own blade.

edited 23rd Nov '09 11:49:28 PM by Ana

Eon: Orc buttsexes a dwarf.

Live forever or die trying.

I hope to god that the above quote has been taken out of context in a way I have yet to conceive.

We were doing a game of Vampire The Requiem at my friend Pie Wrapper's house, when his Necroknight, Tom, got staked by some vigilante psycho (later revealed to be a werewolf vigilante psycho). My malkavian, Todd, who developed an inability to make calm and rational decisions without Tom's input, promptly freaks the fuck out. I take the opportunity to mess with Pie Wrapper.

• Todd: (sobbing) Chelfonso! My dear Chelfonso! You gotta tell me what to do! What should I do!
• Pie Wrapper: Pull the damn stake out of me!
• Todd: I have an idea. If I just diablerize Tom, I'll have Chelfonso's voice in my head, and then he can tell me what to do! It's brilliant!
• ST: That ''would technically work...
• Pie Wrapper: Don't even think about it!

Also, from my dungeion crawl D&D game

• Pie Wrapper: I jump across the trench and try to flank the orc. (roll)
• Me: He notices you. He says, "Go wait over in the corner until I'm done with your elf friend, and don't even think of eating my beef jerky."

Later, after the fight...

• Orc: Alright, I'll take you to see my boss. Just follow me.
• There's some really good beef jerky over here.
• Orc: YOU SON OF A BITCH! (has to be restrained)

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

That's nothing, there was also this bit where someone tried to shove a knife up the dwarf's arse. Eeeerecting a dispenser!

Live forever or die trying.

• "You searching for traps?"
• "Um, no?"
• "I think you should search for traps."
• "Okay." Rolls a 17, "So what do-"
• "TRAP DOOR SPIDER!"
• "EEK!"

edited 24th Nov '09 10:29:38 PM by God_of_Awesome

God of Awesome, you have just earned your name. That was truly awesome.

• GM: The zombie gets back up, and turns its attention to you.
• Me: I throw one of my butterknives.
• GM: Okay. You throw a butterknife. It sticks ineffectually in the zombie's flesh.
• Me: Sugah!

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

I had a character almost kill the entire party by being awesome.

So, it was Deadlands. He's got an Edge, Insane Bravado, which makes him immune to anything, and they mean anything, not specifically aimed at him, so long as he is brave and leading from the front (i.e. in the thick of combat). The guy loves this Edge and is great with it.

So one time they are fighting a horrible monster that looks like somebody merged melted, rusted beds with the bodies of dead children, and it's kicking everybody's ass.

The guy with Insane Bravado has a grenade launcher. They are all far too close to use it without killing everyone.

So what does he do?

" WATCH THIS."

And he runs up and melees it with a grenade from the grenade launcher. It was actually a called shot, too, right in its damn face.

...

...

Everybody in the party takes enough damage to almost kill them- a sneeze would have wiped them out. Monster dies.

Guy who did it?

Attack wasn't aimed at him. And he was definitely in the thick of combat.

He didn't have a scratch on him.

The party almost killed him.

edited 25th Nov '09 10:36:06 PM by Mr. Cales

Does it count that I managed to reunite the party in such a way that the serious min-max combat bunny had his hand up a female troll's shirt just as the others all arrived?

Charisma 1 has penalties...

I once played a District Manager/Robin Hood-esque Shadowrunner who had contacts for EVERYONE. I only played him for one mission, where we had two groups of players (about 5 players each) infiltrating an underground weapons base under the order of cultist.

One of the groups were combat-specked crazed monsters (A massive troll, a vampiric dwarf with a laser, etc.,) while our group had a fragile, but charismatic sniper, a (considering he's an orc) skinny demo-man, a stoic Russian (sturdiest of the group) and my character, who had some combat skills, but much preferred to talk.

We, however, are able to bluff and con our way to deep into the main lab, and manage to get the stated main objective (a chemical compound, which we found out through research at the spot, was Tylenol.) Before the other group can even get penetrate the complex. Furthermore, my guy called in a cult researcher, and found out that there was a ritual sacrifice liable to happen that night, so we decidedly decline on the secondary offer to arm the supposed nuke. However, we hear the alert triggered from the other group's exploits, and decide that we'd rather not have to deal with a subatomic hellspawn, so my character calls up his contact from the company (knows everyone) and tells him that he thinks the nuke might be triggered and the fellow should call Lonestar in about half an hour (figuring our escape would only take as long.)

At which point, the group is told: "There's no nuke there."

Realizing that this is likely a trap, and most of the party members were involved with enough shenanigans to make SOMEBODY want them dead, we book it, doubling our pace, have to deal with a round of combat, which we triumphed phenomenally in. (We were lucky enough to find cover.) And headed off into the city... Just in time to run into the police barricade. But I had a contact with Lonestar, so no problem.

By the time we finished, we heard that the other group was now stuck in a conference hall full of guns and mean mages, while we were at home sipping cocoa, the session ended and our group had a nice little chuckle at their luck.

Vandal my user page if ya don't mind.

-*shakes head*

My Monday game took a rather interesting twist; apparently our GM had planned a fairly major reveal for us as we were exploring a ruined Dwarven Fortress.

So, first, a little background. Our Swordsage had been drained by Shadows and died the week before, and the player had decided he wanted to roll a new character, rather than having him brought back. This resulted in a certain amount of grieving from the party (we have a disproportionately high number of Roleplayers, courtesy of deciding to form the game amongst people from an RP board we were all on)- my character, a rather naive Psion who had just assumed he'd be zapped back once we got around to taking a run into town, took it fairly hard, and the party cleric (who had considered the character one of her only friends, and certainly the first in a long while) was devastated. Thus the new character (a thief who snuck into the camp, just for added lulz) had kind of rough going of it

Anyways, we've cleared out the various orcs, shadows, and... things that looked like worms with octopi stuck to their heads whose name I've forgotten... and gotten down to a low level, where we've found a colony of duergar (cue collective Oh, Crap!, heh...). Thankfully, we managed to negotiate safe passage- the party had a wealthy patron, so we had some cash to go around- and were being guided to the closest point in the duergar holdings to where our quest item was (or at least where they thought it was), which was a deep pit on the far side of their foundry.

The duergar were hostile, but largely indifferent- they were busy forging a hugeass sword, apparently. However, there was a crazy duergar wizard wandering amongst them, mumbling gibberish to himself, and when we arrived at the pit, he declared us all monsters (save one party member, for reasons we have yet to figure out) and bullrushed our warlock into the pit. He proceeded to try to do the same with the party Hellknight (didn't work quite as well ) and nearly got tossed in himself for his troubles.

While all this was happening, though... our cleric, who was apparently slightly unhinged from grief, declared she wasn't going to wait around for anyone to throw her into the pit... and jumped in on her own. The rest of the party is left kind of staring after her. To make things better... the party mage jumped in after her, for absolutely no reason, aside from possibly him being an idiot >.O

Meanwhile, the other duergar have managed to grab their crazy wizard, and showed us the way down (a chain ladder on the far side of the pit) and warned us of the Black Dragon living in the lake caverns, which is what they thought had our quest object. Our party basically gave a collective shrug and headed down- we knew the second and third ones to get dumped down were okay, the mage had sent up his raven familiar (much beloved for its habit of facepalming at the mage's stupidity... and also for its habit of playing mental chess or whatever with the mage, which my psion frequently kibitzed on )- we eventually found our way back to the rest of the party... just as they encountered a dragon.

The dragon was between the two fragments of the party, and we basically went into a tense staredown while the party tried to organize strategy in frantic whispers... at least until my psion went 'screw it, taking too long' and walked up and demanded to know if the dragon had the schema we were looking for.

Cue the entire party going "WTF are you DOING?!??!"

... and then just "... what." when the dragon merely looks confused and asks why we would think he had it.

After reassuring the dragon that we had no real intention of simply butchering it where it stood, the thing powered down a little, enough for us to see it clearly... and the fact that it was wearing the crest of our missing party member. Turns out our 'warlock' had actually been a shapeshifted (and heavily cowled) red dragon the whole time.

It was an... interesting... session >.O

"The first place you come across is called The Leaky Goat." - Dungeon Master
"I am naught drinkin' 'ere." - Virgil  ^tropes

"You? You've been drinking in all sorts of places—" - Melthän  ^tropes

^{Neutral Good Butt-Monkey Igor with Obfuscating Stupidity}

"Naught in any place named af'er a leaky animal, I'm naught." - Virgil
"As a librarian, I know you should never judge a book by its cover." - Ghast  ^tropes

^{Affably Neutral Evil Absent-Minded Omnidisciplinary Mad Scientist}

"It's no' a BOOK, is a BAR, and I'm naught drinkin' 'ere!" - Virgil
"I was speaking in metaphor, you dimwit!" - Ghast
"I'm'ot a fan of anyfin what leaks from a goat, I'll be 'onest with you." - Virgil

edited 29th Dec '09 11:48:40 AM by Zephid

I wrote about a fish turning into the moon.

In one scenario of maid rpg, the BigBad stolen all the animals from the zoo and release it all into the empty mansion where our three P Cs are trapped in. Problem is, all three P Cs are 5, 8, 12 years old loli.

Yes, they end up fighting the tiger that's enjoying the outdoor bath, wolf that's stealing food, sleeping lion, really angry bull, and seduced a sheep that no one want to hurt it. Since the game version of HP is stress, lots of stress explosion occurred.

edited 29th Dec '09 3:33:25 PM by shinyjam

Best idea ever by one of my team mates, the strategy used a loop hole in 4e. You get a Cleric with a bag of holding and a level one enemy. Thanks to 4e's bags of holding not having finite amounts of air, you can pull that enemy out whenever. Now, the domain of love, you can strike an enemy but not cause damage and instead heal an ally.

So our Avatar of Love basically beat a chaotic evil cat with a stick and healed everything and everyone else. Lead to many, many fun moments, all the more so when he got other stuff to beat with a stick for the greater good.

The emotions of others can seem like such well guarded mysteries, people 8egin to 8elieve that's how their own emotions should 8e treated.

Wait, a chaotic evil cat? I get the feeling there's a much funnier story in there. XD

Productivity is for people without internet connections. -Count Dorku

True, catching said chaotic evil cat was... interesting. I'll just say it killed three villagers (and our wizard) before we put it down.

And lit a forest on fire. Freaking over powered level one cat.

The emotions of others can seem like such well guarded mysteries, people 8egin to 8elieve that's how their own emotions should 8e treated.

They've been overpowered since 1e. Claw/Claw/Bite/Rake is nothing to sneeze at.

schweeeee, n: the sound that healing makes.

"Okay, the Foley artist needs to be fired" - Karalora

Anyone who assigns themselves loads of character tropes is someone to be worried about.

I have been informed that my likening of a curio shop to "Essentially a medieval Spencer's" was Full of Lulz

also: Dire half fiendish werecommoners

edited 2nd Jan '10 10:50:31 PM by Lanceleoghauni

"Coffee! Coffeecoffeecoffee! Coffee! Not as strong as Meth-amphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth!"