Tropers: Not-So-Badass Longcoat
You've just stumbled onto the page of a troper most prone to violent Cluster F Bombings
, verbal Comedic Sociopathy
and Pesci rants
regarding very diverse range of topics, and Brütally Hönest
while doing so. A New Yorker, though only mentally (in a city with no Empire State Building, the Empire Stalin Building must do - for fuck's sake, why couldn't it have been subway instead?!), a philosopher with A Degree In Badass
(more exactly aesthetics, but thesis on "The question of mimesis
in Tabletop RPGs
" does imply some amount of badassitude), a collector of Cool Guns
(airsoft ones only, though), sarcastic punslinger
with a habit of quoting various things (songs, movies, video games...) and dropping Grissom Oneliners
when situation just asks for it. Why "Not So Badass Longcoat"? Because when you're built like a chicken, it's hard to look badass in a black leather coat. Irony and one-liners kinda help, but overall, there's no full Badass Longcoat
In one big list:
- Afraid of Needles - well, if looking away and singing Fuel or Audioslave means "afraid".
- All Love Is Unrequited - you wouldn't believe my bad luck with women.
- Arms Dealer - oh, funny story. I got into a photography group by bringing a large duffel bag full of replica guns. Now I'm half-jokingly called the group's armorer.
- Attention Deficit Creator Disorder - I can rarely write something longer than ten pages and with more than one plot line.
- Badass Longcoat - the first one was old, heavy and I loved it, although my mom pressured me into throwing it out. Second wasn't badass at all. The third one is just right. And, in true badass fashion, I wear it open. Too bad that while the coat is proper badass, I'm not.
- Blind Without 'Em - I'm SEVERELY myopic. For instance, I can't see numbers on the calendar five feet away.
- Brilliant but Lazy - yeah. Yawn.
- Brutal Honesty - put Heävy Mëtal Ümlaut on it.
- Catch Phrase - "Knock me out with a shovel.", "That's terrible. Even with mustard." and "But seriously?!"
- Cluster F-Bomb - how about calling my elementary school teacher a "fucked up bitch with a perm made with wood glue"? At age seven? On a side note, when my mom saw the teacher's aforementioned hairdo, she kinda agreed with the second part.
- Comedic Sociopathy - well, all is fine and dandy, and then I cheerily mention murder, arson or property damage as a possible solution to your problem. ANY problem.
- Consummate Liar - Played with. I don't lie often, but when I do, it turns out I'm insanely talented in giving people all kinds of bullshit. Thugs, cops, online perverts, even my former boss.
- Crowning Moment of Funny - people have differing opinions on which one, depending on what they saw. For some friends, it's one guy's question "Where are those worms going?!" and my deadpan reply "Fishing." when people suddenly walked out of the room at a friend's 18th birthday.
- Drunken Song - sooner or later one of my friends is gonna bring this up when we're drinking and we'll launch into one of the lyrical parodies I wrote in high school. Either a song about Supermutants' stupidity based on "The Nomad", the one about my friend's dislike of parties based on "Chop Suey" (although it's difficult to sing even when sober!), or the one about Blood Bowl based on Die Arzte's "Manner Sind Schweine". Or one of the other ones.
- The Ernest - ah, the "girl" who got my former boss fooled? He couldn't figure it out until the rest of people told him. After a year. When I quit. Some people didn't catch it after SIX YEARS. Or was it eight?
- Meaningful Name - "her" usual online handle is taken from a certain shapeshifter character from popular comics series.
- Tuckerization - "her" supposed real name is what my parents wanted to name their daughter.
- Gallows Humor - another important part of my character.
- Heavy Sleeper - when I crash, not many things can wake me up.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold - piss me off and my bad side will crash into you at 150 mph. It's easy. So easy that a lot of people know only my bad side, but usually not aimed at them. Other than that, I'm pretty nice.
- The Nicknamer - piss me off and you'll get a nasty one, like "The Jersey Godzilla". Have a long nickname and you'll get a shorter one, like "T-Hound".
- Noodle Incident - one New Year's Eve party. It involved a couple of sharp implements and drunk chavs. "Hey, at least you didn't have to wash the ceiling."
- Not a Morning Person - definitely.
- The Philosopher - that's what my diploma says, but I subvert it. In order to understand reality, I must explain it to myself in simple terms.
- Pungeon Master - sometimes, I'm punstoppable.
- Quip to Black - usually as a Post-Mortem One-Liner for a video game I'm playing or uttered during watching a movie. Bad Horatio Caine impressions at RPG sessions count too.
- Sarcasm Mode - near-permanently stuck in it.
- Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon - my score: 4. Living on the other end of the planet. As proven here.
- Some Call Me Tim - I prefer to be called Mike. Actually, to some people I'm Only Known by Their Nickname.
- Sophisticated as Hell - happens often, to a hilarious and confusing effect.
- Surprisingly Good English - just need to work on the accent, now people can't say it's American.
- Team Chef - a lot of my friends are surprised when they get invited for lunch.
Blue Oni: It's great! I never knew you could cook?
NSBL: Seven years and you didn't? Impossible.
- Unsound Effect - I refer to ignoring people on Twitter as "plonking". However, as a subversion, I refer to it as "the sound a grenade launcher makes" (as in the first two Quake games, grenade launchers made a metallic "plonk" sound when fired).
And #PLONK goes the grenade launcher!
- Why Did It Have To Be The Fucking Spiders?! - and cockroaches?!
open/close all folders
- Black Sabbath
- E.S. Posthumus
- Iron Maiden
- System of a Down
- Cats. I just can't pass a cat without at least saying "Here, kitty kitty" at it. Some even allow themselves to be petted.
- Cooking. I hate boring food, so most often I'm going through inspirations and looking for recipes to cook some good food.
This list will be expanded if/when circumstances allow.
"We have an urgent Public Service Announcement: if you're looking for Jesus - check behind the couch."
"It's like trying to chop a tree with your dick."
Scotty: "Aww, you're in a real cunt now."
Me: "I was in one once and managed to get out. It's so simple a BABY could do it!"
"Get the fuck out and take a headlong dive off a dick."
"This is so fucked up we'll need napalm or large amounts of high explosive ammo to clean it up!"
"I won't be surprised if I find a dinosaur in the elevator."
"All right, calm down, I have everything under control!... or at least pretend very well."
"...about as useful as a sponge hammer."
"...random shit that looks like the offspring of a juicer and a hippo..."
: "How much fear is instilled by melee fighters?"
Me: "It depends on how loud they scream."
"As the tattoo artists say, lack of ideas gives you wings."
"My tried and tested method, '20% brilliance, 80% brute force and a bukkit', works again."
Guys, [Lara Croft
]'s not a locomotive. She doesn't need a pair of humongous bumpers to shield her from anything that gets in her way. If she was, she'd wear a cow-catcher as well.
"I grew so cynical over the last few years that I choose the ideas I support based on their entertainment value."
(referring to beating the crap out of someone who really earned it)
"We can always blame it on very angry (insert a relevant inanimate object), right?"
"getglue sounds like me hammered to high fuck and three quarters back when the party winds down and I just found some schmuck I can play a prank on. One look at the schmuck, one look at the ceiling, and then "GET GLUE!" And then, people scatter, deathly afraid of whatever I can do with a drunk schmuck, a tube of superglue and a ceiling.
THEY. ARE. NO. FUN."
It's called TropeFest 9001, because Trope level here IS OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND!
This section contains things that are either too general or not avesome enough to publish them in Troper Tales
- since this troper is a writer and a roleplayer, his more notable characters are described here.
- Helmets Are Hardly Heroic - too awesome to wear a pisspotNSBL , both when airsofting and (for his characters) when playing RPGs.
Whoever and whatever crawled out from the Sunday tabletopping sessions.
- Mike - Michael Archer Sterling, New York-born Brujah Detective, looks twentyish, over 120 years old. Childe of the New York Sheriff, Missis D. The quintessential (if not painfully cliche) Action Hero in a Badass Longcoat, first played straight, then evolved into Stoic Film Noir Anti-Hero that Took A Level In Snarker. What remained were wisecracks and leather coat (although in the Play-By-Forum universe it gets destroyed and replaced every time a bigger fight erupts - lampshaded with remarks in the vein of "Oh fuck, great, another three hundred bucks down the drain!"). Lately, mainly by inspiration from LOST, Mike became The Nicknamer, preying mostly on the characters with Names to Run Away From Really Fast. Not like they're not asking for it.
Mike (upon meeting
Fox Nevada and some time after chasing
: I swear, if there's any Max Montana
around too, I'm gonna shoot his fucking head off.
- Sara - Sara Kinmont (Sara, without "h"), New York-born Malkavian Teen, over 80 years old. A redhead with Girlish Pigtails, Sara started as a manic-depressive Plucky Comic Relief girl, evolving into something way darker. Now, she has Split Personality - a third of childish Genius Ditz, a third of The Eeyore and a third of Femme Fatale. Pigtails remain, at least if she wakes up as the ditz (her personalities, apart from intense external triggers, switch every night when she wakes up from slumber).
Sara (discussing how to awaken an alternate personality of a different Malkavian): Something tells me that power drill wasn't such a crazy idea after all.
- Megan - Megan Knight, Californian Brujah Ladette Street Racer, looks twentyish, thirty or so years old. Mike's Childe, a scrawny, near-flat-chested blonde grunge rock fan with kick-ass dexterity and driving skills (twelve dice with critical success re-rolls for anything that contains the risk of totaling a car at high speeds - in the very beginning!). Her background story is one huge Take That aimed at Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines: it starts with Mike and Sara arriving in LA and getting the correct impression that LaCroix is an asshole of unbelievable proportions. Looking for a way to annoy him even more, Mike decides to sire a second Childe - Megan. Then, it all goes downhill, with the Crowning Moment of Awesome being the Giovanni Mansion blowing up due to Jack's little "gift" (don't try to fool a Malkavian with three dots in Auspex). The conclusion: after LaCroix got really pissed off at the trio and declared a Blood Hunt on them, Mike calls Strauss (the Tremere Elder) with a short message: "Hey Max, tell the folks to find a new Prince. This one is going down." Then, LaCroix finds out the hard way that abuse of power (declaring a Blood Hunt without a good reason) dramatically shortens a couple of things. Lifespan being one of them.
Megan (showing her new car - a retired '94 Ford Crown Vic police car. Lifted nearly word for word from Blues Brothers)
: It's got a cop motor, 4.6 litre. It's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. Reinforced gearbox and transmission, goes 25 miles per hour faster than the civilian model. What do you say? Is it the new Brujahmobile or what?
- Callisto - real name unknown (she gave five different ones to five different people during one play session), Caribbean Brujah Pirate Girl and an Expy of Marvel Comics' Morlock leader of the same name. Looks thirtyish, over 300 years old. Wears an Eyepatch of Power, mostly to signify she's so Badass that she pulled a Polly Oliver and the crew figured it out only after she was seriously wounded in a sea battle, losing an eye and gaining an Informed Flaw (due to the GM constantly forgetting about the dice modifier, she could shoot and drive like a perfectly healthy person). After the captain tried to leave her in the nearest port, she handed his ass to him as a suggestion that she wishes to stay aboard. Then, she become first a pirate captain (without the need of crossdressing) and then a vampire. Then, she happened to get forced onto a Suspended Animation Express to the '80s (pretty literally - impaled on a chunk of wood during a sea battle, tossed overboard and stuck in some dark corner of the sea bottom). After getting synchronized with reality, she continued to kick ass in modern times, finally getting stuck with a dilemma when the campaign was badly cliffhanged. She was later retconned as a kind of vampiric aunt to Mike (she and Mike's Sire are Childer of the same vampire).
Callisto (yelling at the Prince after a particularly badly thought-out assassination): And all of this because Mr Fuckwit (points at the Toreador standing behind her) and Mr Shithead (points at the Assamite behind her) decided to go in and shoot one fucking painter!
- Matt - Matthew J. Browning, hunter from New Orleans. Not to be confused with similarly named Winchester brothers. Currently working as a hotel detective in Amsterdam.
- Shane - Shane "Attacks-from-Shadows" Craven, Iron Masters Irraka Mr. Fixit and ex-paratrooper from Chicago (served with the 82nd Airborne in Afghanistan). Omega of the pack, Fish out of Water and Only Sane Man. He can disappear and make things go borked. Also tends to jump off buildings without a parachute and snark.
Shane: Sorry guys, I don't speak DOG!
- Jim - Jim Carson, GAR Gangrel Gunslinger, for Added Alliterative Appeal. Brown duster included. Currently wreaking havoc in Victorian London.
Jim: This place is like a barn. Bullshit stacked all the way up to the roof.
- Lex - Alexandria Jane Vincent, Californian Nosferatu Wrench Wench and carjacker. A confused Tsundere who doesn't exactly grasp the whole vampiric schtick yet. Looks like a Cappadocian: Eerie Pale-Skinned Brunette with Most Common Superpower (an Informed Attribute really, considering her clan weakness - although getting two successes on two dice in a social roll is quite a feat) and red eyes, but she clearly shows off her "tsun" side as well, being a Tattooed Crook and having the temper of a badly pissed off Brujah, displayed when the Kindred around her do something she doesn't approve of. Based on an earlier Nosferatu street racer character, Midnight, and her Masquerade Expy, Megan (see above).
Lex: Shotgun? Check. Armor? Check. Grenades? Check. ROAD TRIP!
- Nick - Nick Gautreau, Mekhet Hustler from New Orleans who, after a disastrous fuck-up had to run away to San Francisco, where an Elegant Gothic Lolita Hot Librarian turned him into a vampire. After he had the shit beaten out of him in an alley.
Nick: Well, screw you guys, I'm going home.
- Mike West - New York-born detective, the protagonist and narrator of hardboiled-Cthulhu pastiche mash-up stories. Cynical brat (his age is given as 21 in the first story, "The Case of Uncle Herbert") who follows the clues to absolutely logical and absolutely wrong conclusions.
- Trivia: the first story references at least three Lovecraft stories directly ("Cool Air", "Pickman's Model" and, of course, "Reanimator") and one more ("Facts Concerning The Late Arthur Jermyn") mentioned as a Lovecraft story published in "Weird Tales" (April 1924, when "The Case..." takes place). Also, there's an obscure shout-out to Resident Evil - Big Bad Clapham-Lee uses mutated Tetanus-bacteria (or T-Bacteria, for short, although this name is never used in the story) to create his zombies and hijacks a ship named "Veronica".
- Bjorn - Bjorn Westlander Agent Retriever working for the Royal College of Magic in Kingdom of Haern. Multiclassing fighter/rogue/sorcerer (actually, a failed mage who took a second chance with a near-suicidal job of a disposable ruin raider) who can fight a bit, crack locks a bit and hurl bolts of magic around if the need arises.
- Michal - Dhampyr student from Bad Blood.
Other Tropers' Contributions