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The Reason You Suck Speech: Comic Books

  • Megatron does one of these in the climax of the first arc of the Dreamwave Transformers comic, punctuated by people in the battle zone acting like total bastards. Prime gets to answer with his own Shut Up, Hannibal! speech accompanied by people putting their best sides forward, and punctuated by a group of them dropping half a dozen trucks on Megatron's head to return the favor.
  • The Kingpin gets a pretty awesome one in Ultimate Spider-Man. After teaming up with a group of other heroes to bring him down, Spidey is betrayed and captured and the Kingpin proceeds to explain to him that he knew about their plan all along and doesn't care, and goes on to tell him that he owns the rights to his image, meaning every act of heroism Spider-Man performs is indirectly funding his criminal empire. Then he lets him go, so he can make more money out of him.
    • Turned around just before the beginning of the One More Day storyline in Amazing Spider-Man. Spidey breaks INTO jail to showdown with the Kingpin after he sent a sniper to kill him and hit Aunt May instead. Kingpin is all suited up and ready to fight when Spidey shows up back in the black costume. He proceeds to humiliate Kingpin in a fist fight in front of all the other inmates, pointing out that for all his influence and power, Spider-Man could crush him like an insect because while he's physically just an impressive specimen of normal humanity, Spider-Man is SUPERhuman.
    • An earlier Ultimate Spider-Man story arc subverts this hilariously. Spidey is face-to-face with the Kingpin, having taken what he needs to finally put the man in prison for murder. Being faced quietly with the first major criminal element he's seen in his short career, Peter takes out a piece of paper with a speech written specifically for the Kingpin.... The speech is a long series of "You're so fat" jokes that send Kingpin into a fit of unstoppable rage.
      • Double subverted later that same scene, where he calls out the Kingpin for his arrogance and vindictiveness.
    • Another humerous example happens after Spidey and Wolverine have had their minds forcefully swapped as punishment for Wolverine hitting on Jean. Enraged at being dragged into their petty squabble, he lays into the X-Men:
    Spidey: You know why everyone hates you? It's not because you're Mutants. It's because you're a bunch of *&!@'s!
    Colossus: How am I a *&!@'s? I was just standing here.
  • In issue #175 of Archie Comics' Sonic the Hedgehog, Dr. Eggman lays down a brutal one, along with an epic beatdown, on Sonic.
    "I'm surprised you retain your confidence after so many failures, or did you forget what happened to Tommy Turtle and Sir Connery? You never deroboticized your friends and family. And your father is still a robot! Or how about your love-life, eh? Sally, Mina, even Fiona! So... How come you're all alone? [...] I want our last game to have some merit. [...] You thought your pithy resistance actually had some kind of toe-hold against my empire? The world fell to me so quickly, so easily, that I was left with nothing to do! I allowed you Freedom Fighters to exist so that I might entertain myself! I will concede that you all have won my war game more times then not, but so what? Is Mobius any more free now than it was years ago? [...] Hahaha! Oh, your futile actions amuse me so! You'll never win this battle, Sonic, you can't! You were finished before the Egg Fleet even began bombardment. This battle suit is specifically designed to match and outclass your speed and strength! [...] Like I said, Sonic... You're outmatched, outclassed... you're not fast enough... you're not strong enough... and you certainly aren't smart enough to defeat me. [...] I'm not playing with you, rodent. Run— Run all over the world and try to start a new Freedom Fighter group. You will find no one. So run — For the rest of your life — and never escape the humiliation of today."
    • In a rare heroic example of the trope, Sonic fires one back in issue #200.
    "Impressive resume, Doc. You missed a couple of key points, though. Like how a group of kids with no real training took back that city. And you croaked, more or less. [...] And about that empire of yours... you know about all the places you don't control, right? [...] The United Federation alone has at least a half-dozen city-states in it! And then there's all the Freedom Fighter groups fighting you all over the world every day. And you aren't too popular in the regions that you DO outright control. You can't really claim to "control" the planet when you're fighting for it your every waking hour! Sure, you beat me fair and square not long ago. I'll give you props for that. But how many badniks have I stomped? How many times have I sent you packing? I've beaten you before, Eggman. A lot. And I'll do it again."
    • ...and then he rubs more salt in the wound by picking up the fallen dictator's spectacles, and kneeling beside him, saying, "I'll be content with "Nyah nyah" and "I win."
      • ...and immediately comes to regret it after seeing the aftermath. Though it was foreshadowed that this would have happened, speech or no speech, Sonic goes on to muse that things "went too far" in the next issue.
      • Following this turn of events, Snively takes his uncle's place and stuffs Eggman, now a gibbering wreck, into a cell, gleefully handing one of these any spare time he has. This turns on him when Eggman regains his composure. When Snively continues to insult from outside his cell, having now made an alligence with the Iron Queen and fallen in love with her, Eggman laughs at him and hands it back, reducing him to a sobbing wreck.
    Snively: I have everything I want now, Uncle. I have power, I have authority, and I've found love. Love you fat fool. Why would I want to go back to being your toady? Sonic's been chased out of the city, I'm with Regina and I've never been happier. Why on Mobius would I want that to change?
    Eggman: GWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! Regina? Regina Ferrum? The Iron Queen?
    Snively: Y-yes, we're in love.
    Eggman: Ha-ha-ha. You deluded little twerp. She doesn't love you. She's a manipulator. She played you for a sap, and you? You CAN'T love! The only person you care about is you. You'll save yourself before even thinking about her. She's just a stepping stone for you, only you've fooled yourself into thinking otherwise.
    Snively: N-no! Y, you're wrong! Our love is real, and you can stay here and rot!!!
    Eggman: *Evil Laugh* You'll be back Snively! You'll be back!
    • Issue #192 has Jules delivering one to Scourge that actually sends him him away in tears.
    ''What's to be afraid of? This world is filled with heroic beings that fight a single great evil. That tells me that your world is full of cowards, each doing their part to ruin their world. That's why you don't scare me —because I know, at your core, you're a coward too. [...] That's your answer to it all? Violent takeover and anarchy? [...] Are you trying to shock me? Intimidate me? That falls short when the world conquering "king" has to sneak in during the middle of the night to get a leg up on my boy. [...] I am not your father. I was on the front lines of the Great War. I won't go quietly. And while you may not care about the loss of your Jules, I'm certain my son will be very upset. Do you want that on your head too?
    • Issue 235 has Sonic handing out a scathing one to Silver, after the former is fed up with the latter's Inspector Javert tendencies. For emphasis, Sonic delivers it by first smashing Silver through a wall, and nearly spin dashing him to oblivion.
    '' Listen! There. Is. No Traitor. I believe in my friends. I believe you're a flake. Each one of them is a hundred times the hero you want to be. Now. Get. Out. Go. Home....Get out of my sight."
    • Issue 240 has Ixis Nagaus given three in a row. The first is by Mina Mongoose's mother, who decides that NICOLE should return from her exile, pointing out that former Mobian Council member Rotor's team protected New Mobotropolis than he ever did after he took up the throne and ousted Elias. The second comes from Alicia Acorn, who ends up driving him away when Ixis attempts to tempt Max Acorn so he can take over his body. The last comes from Sonic's parents who prove that they were some of the few people who question why they'd trust a man who'd spent most of his time fighting their kids.
  • A Villain to Villain example happened in Marvel when the Cobra decided to break up his partnership with Mr. Hyde, after deciding that Hyde was the reason the two kept losing to heroes. When the Cobra escapes from Riker's Island, he refuses to bring Hyde along, despite Hyde's pleas. Cobra told his soon-to-be former partner off thus:
    Cobra: Every time I've teamed with you, we've both had our heads handed to us! Well, never again! You may consider our partnership dissolved, Hyde.
    • This would come back to bite him. The Cobra and Mister Hyde were, up to that point, one of the longest villain partnerships in Marvel, but due to Hyde's insanity, the Cobra always had to watch his back. From this point on, the two would be mortal enemies.
  • X-51 does this to the Watcher in Earth X, telling Uatu that his inaction, his refusal to help despite constantly witnessing suffering on a global scale, that was true evil.
  • Emma Frost accidentally gets one from her high school nemesis when she inadvertently reads the girl's mind during fencing practice. Upon learning that the girl was secretly scared of Emma, Emma was able to disarm her and win the fight.
  • Watchmen:
    Dr. Manhattan: I am disappointed, Veidt. Very disappointed. Restructuring myself after the subtraction of my intrinsic field was the first trick I learned. It didn't kill Osterman... Did you think it would kill me? I've walked across the Sun. I've seen events so tiny and so fast they hardly can be said to have occurred at all, but you... You are a man. And the world's smartest man means no more to me than does its smartest termite.
  • Morpheus delivers a classic one to the Corinthian, whom he created to be a revelatory nightmare, but who has settled for being a superpowered Serial Killer. Then he melts the Corinthian down and starts over.
    • ...and then proceeds to give one to an audience composed of serial killers (they're having a convention), and takes away their dreams of importance, making them see how small and insignificant they are in the scheme of things.
  • In V for Vendetta, V sneaks into a TV station and replaces the usual broadcast (the evening news and bad sitcoms) with a recording of him giving the British public, and the human race in general, a severe dressing-down.
    • In the film version, Lewis Prothero enjoys giving these to atheists, Muslims, homosexuals and immigrants on his evening television show. Which is odd, given there are no more of any of these groups left alive to hear it.
  • Another heroic example: Spider-Man vs. Fusion, who held Spidey responsible for the death of his son. Spidey delivers his speech the first part of his speech after Fusion made him think he'd broken his neck.
    Spidey: Keep talking... maybe it'll drown out the sound of your own guilt.
    [Later, after realizing Fusion's powers of persuasion] You're just a poor man's Mysterio, and I just got you figured out.
    May Parker: He worshipped you people. You know that, don't you? He thought of you as—as the knights of the round table. He put on that costume to be like you. He wanted to earn a place at your table. And you people come into his life—He—you promised to train him? And what did you do? Nothing!! He was fine before he met you. He was doing fine.
  • The Guardian Devil storyline in Daredevil. Mysterio, after learning he's dying, launches an Evil Plan to ruin Daredevil's life and goad him into killing Mysterio. Daredevil beats him down, and then verbally tears the plan and Mysterio to pieces.
    Daredevil: (The scheme) Was nothing more than B-Movie material. An amalgam of whorish, cliched devices.
    And trying to drive me insane? Kingpin nearly did it once. But you're no Kingpin. You're not even close. You think you've spun some sort of grand swan-song epic? Think again. You've just told yet another tale of a so-called super-genius endeavoring to drive his arch-nemesis... or, in this case, his adopted arch-nemesis... insane.
    Your whole existence is counterfeit. You've never had an original thought in your life. You're a product of too many movies and too much T.V. Regurgitating only what's gone before.
    You're a Human Xerox, at best.
    • Mysterio finally responds by shooting himself in the head.
    • Ironically the way of other webhead nemesis, Kraven the Hunter. With his last words, Mysterio even says that now he's going to steal an idea from Kraven.
  • Fantastic Four Issue 549 (October 2007): Sue Richards puts the Wizard in his place in epic fashion, culminating 45 years of taking levels in badass.
    Sue Richards: You're pathetic. One of the best minds on the planet and you waste it for years, doing magic tricks then trying to best a man who'd never really harm you, despite your endless provocation. But that's the difference between my husband and me. He doesn't understand revenge. Me? I can't decide which of the many ways I can hurt you I'm going to use.
    • Before that issue, Sue took Doctor Doom down in equally epic fashion in Grant Morrison's Fantastic Four: 1234 issue 4(January 2002);
      Sue Richards: Oh shut up and listen to someone else for once! Stop talking in that ridiculous way! What's your problem, Victor? What have we ever actually done to you to deserve this stupid waste of everyone's time? Are you listening to me? Sitting there with your stupid machines and your childish jealousy, when you should be curing cancer or taking your people to the stars! What's the point of talking to you? Would you like me to explain this in a language you understand? Try anything like this ever again and I'll put a thousand force field bubbles inside that mighty brain of yours and burst it from the inside. Toys. Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.
  • In Wanted, Wesley Gibson gives one of these to the reader.
  • In the original G.I. Joe comic, Cobra Commander hands one of these to Serpentor after straight-up kicking his ass, claiming the reason he lost was because out of all the DNA of all the great conquerors he's made up of, he's missing the DNA of the greatest one of them all, Cobra Commander's! Also counts as a Badass Boast on CC's part.
  • Superman delivers one of these to Lana Lang after she detonated a thousand kryptonite bombs around the world, an action that nearly made the planet uninhabitable not only to Superman, but to anyone with Kryptonian DNA, including Power Girl, Supergirl, Superboy, and Krypto. After the radioactive mess is cleaned up, Supes has a chat with Lana.
    Superman: "You might wonder sometimes--I know I have-- what life would have been like had we... had you and I... Had it been you instead of Lois. And you might have wondered why it wasn't you instead of Lois... Lois would never have pushed that button."
    "You've always claimed you could make this world a paradise if I weren't around to stop you. You had a year without me around. What have you done?"
  • Tom Noir gives one to John Horus, the superhero who killed U.S. president, at the end of Black Summer:
    Tom Noir: You want to change the nature of justice in America and you kill a president? What did you think that made you? Two-fisted Super-Jesus for the American Way? It made you Lee Harvey Oswald, you prick. You know what? Lots of people hated John F. Kennedy. He barely got elected. But Lee Harvey Oswald isn't remembered as an American hero. Just a prick with a gun who killed the president. That's you now, John.
  • Delivered to Blue Beetle Ted Kord by many other superheroes in the issue he died, including Superman and Martian Manhunter. It makes you wonder how pathetic a hero has to be before Superman decides to give him one of these. And how horrific it must have been when everyone discovered he was the Only Sane Man and had in fact figured out the entire OMAC conspiracy... getting a bullet to the head for his troubles.
    • At least Booster was able to give a nice, short speech to Batman that summed up not only Batman's greatest flaw but one of the fans' biggest complaints about Bat-God.
      Booster: (after Superman claims Batman will be punished) No he won't... he'd have to admit he was wrong first.
  • In Incorruptible #20, Hayes Bellamy delivers one to Max Damage while torturing him. He ends his speech with one Armor-Piercing Question:
    Bellamy: Have you really made a difference for even one person?
    • After Max's former sidekick Jailbait comes to the rescue and kills Bellamy before leaving for parts unknown, Max has an answer:
      Max: That's one, Bellamy. There'll be more.
  • In issue #4 of Mega Man, Wily tries giving one to Mega Man. It doesn't faze him.
    Wily: "Handle" me? You can't handle me! You're a helper robot, Rock! You hand tools to competent people! You're no great warrior! You're a janitor! A gofer! A lackey! I could've stolen you with the rest of the Robot Masters, but I didn't. And do you know why? You weren't worth the effort! So why don't you stop hiding so I can vaporize you and save you any further embarrassment?
    Mega Man: I'm not embarrassed, Dr. Wily. I have a creator who cares for me and does all he can to support me. I have a sister who loves me and forgave me for being stupid. You had to steal all Dr. Light's robots to get attention. Even though you reprogrammed them, you couldn't stop a "lackey" like me. So which of us should really be embarrassed, Doctor Wily?
  • In Avengers: The Initiative #3, when Komodo has Spider-Man pinned down with a device to remove his powers just ready to stick into him and Spidey cracks a joke about the situation, Komodo doesn't expect that her snide retort is going to lead to a full-scale demolition of her in response:
    Komodo: Always with the jokes, huh?
    Spider-Man: Fine. You want me to be serious? I can do serious. You've already lost.
    Komodo: No way. I've only got to prick you once, and-
    Spider-Man: Not gonna happen. You know why? Because I'm Spider-Man. And you're a dollar store version of the Lizard. See, I beat down guys like Doc Ock, Sandman and Venom all the time. And you're just not in their league. Oh, I'm going to win. And after you've crawled back home with your tail between your legs, you know what happens then? Then your buddies are going to stick one of those things into you!
    Komodo: What? No...
    Spider-Man: Ah — you blinked. [He punches her so hard it sends her flying] Game to Spidey.
    • Komodo finds this speech so bad that once he's escaped she's later found by War Machine crying inconsolably and begging not to be depowered.
  • In Joss Whedon's arc of Runaways, Nico delivers one of these to both the heroes and villains of old New York, pointing out how their constant conflict and hardheadness only brings chaos and puts the innocent in the crossfire, mainly the children. They continue fighting anyways, this being the Marvel Universe and all.
  • Catman gives a nasty one to the Crime Doctor in Villains United by breaking free of his shackles and explaining how he's nothing but a vulture picking off the meat on the bones of captured prey, putting him low on the ladder and then royally screwing him up.
  • Wolverine gives the X-Men, including himself, one in AvX Consequences #1 by admitting that they totally failed in keeping Xavier's dream alive and that he died without seeing that dream come true.
    • Followed anissue later by Cyclops now incarcerated for his actions during the event giving one to Logan because it was all his fault all this happened the way it did, and he nearly destroyed the earth by attempting to kill Hope Summers.
  • In Green Lantern: Rebirth John Stewart gave one to Batman after the latter, who had up to that point in the story had been drawn completely in shadow, badmouths Hal one too many times.
    John Stewart: I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the disrespect Batman slings Hal's way. You've always had a thing against him, haven't you? And I finally see why. (illuminating Batman with his ring, revealing his true appearance - a man in a costume) Hal is the one person in the world that didn't buy what you're selling. Hal was the man without fear. And what is "the Batman" when you're not afraid of him? Just a man.
  • In My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (IDW) the mane cast gives one to Queen Chrysalis about how she knows nothing about friendship, love or fashion.
  • Daken and X-23 take turns delivering this to each other during their rampage through Colcord's base. Daken tries to call her out on her empathy for others, believing that her skills as a killer make her better than everyone around her, and that her heart only forces her to hold back. Laura flatly tells him that she doesn't fight because she has something to prove, but for something bigger than herself. She then turns this around on him, asking why he holds back by not taking the risk of allowing himself to actually care for anyone. Daken doesn't really have an answer.
  • Yet another Spider-Man one: In Secret Wars, one of Doctor Doom's experiments gives superhuman strength and resilience to a timid woman who'd been bullied as a child, and she promptly resolves to treat anyone weaker than herself (which is just about everyone now) just as badly as she'd been treated, becoming the supervillain Titania. During a major battle, she ends up going one-on-one with Spider-Man, ranting about how she used to be weak, but now "I'll crush anybody who gets in my way, especially miserable little wimps like you!" Until she discovers that she can't lay a glove on the weaker but much faster and more experienced wallcrawler...
    Titania: (Swinging and missing) When I get you I'll — (gets punched in the face) Aggh!
    Spider-Man: All you're going to get is frustrated ... and eventually thrashed!
    Titania: No! It's not fair! (gets a two-fisted punch from above) UHH!
    Spider-Man: But if we were fighting in a broom closet, that'd be fair right?
    Titania: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
    Spider-Man: (Bouncing off a wall to grab her by the leg) You ought to be happy, Cuddles! You aspired to be a bully, and man, you're a classic! (Throwing her through a wall to end the fight) You talk tough and nasty when you've got the upper hand, but when you're losing, well, that's when the whining little whimp-ette inside comes spilling out!
  • In the climax of the first arc of Thunderbolts, Moonstone finally stops her lying and manipulating by giving Baron Zemo a Punctuated Pounding complete with every reason why his scheme to Take Over the World is stupid, short-sighted, and egotistical - passing up a perfectly good opportunity to live in comfort as adored superheroes capable of pulling off years of subtler schemes.
  • Jack Chick tracts have these from time to time. Of course, given these are Chick Tracts, whether you'll actually care is... debatable.
    • In "Four Angels?", Henry gives his brother Charlie one. He visits Charlie after dinner, saying that he can't eat with a fornicator. Charlie and his brothers protest that Charlie is a man of God.
    Henry: You snake! You've trampled the blood of Jesus underfoot by your wicked life. Woe unto you, Charlie. You've become a friend of the world and an enemy of God.
    Bobby: Henry, are you saying Charlie is on his way to Hell?
    • In "The Letter," Mildred gets a lengthy one from her friend Frances, for not telling her about the gospel
    We walked by day and night, and yet you showed me not the light.
    You let me live, love and die, and all the while you knew I'd never live on high.
    Yes, I called you friend in life, and I trusted you in joy and strife...
    and yet, in coming to this end, I see you really weren't my friend.
    • A jail guard gives one to Bad Bob and his cousin after Bad Bob fiercely rebuffs an attempt to witness to him, albeit by a young man the guard doesn't fully agree with.
    "If two guys ever deserved hell, it's you two. You didn't have to destroy that kid the way you did. He might be a little off base, but he's sincere. I'm a Christian... and let me tell you, that kid's got more guts than the two of together. Anyone can be rebellious and crude like you guys. But it takes real guts to stand up for God like that kid did. He cared about you and wanted to help you. But you are too blind to see it. Whether you know it or not, we all deserve to burn in hell. But God in His mercy sent His only begotten son to shed His precious blood and die on the cross to pay the penalty for our sins. But you two have spit in God's face and rejected His gift of eternal life, so both of you are on your way to the lake of fire."
  • In Superior Spider-Man, Otto Octavius (who's switched bodies with spider-man) gives one of these to the ghostly version of Peter Parker dwelling in his subconscious. He says Peter doesn't deserve to be Spider-Man, because he's inefficient, childish, and pathetic; his moral code has led him to go easy on criminals like The Vulture and Massacre, who only go on to do increasingly terrible things. He also points out that Peter nearly stopped him from saving a girl's life because he was afraid of being found out by the technology Sp Ock was presumably going to acquire aftewards.
    • Of course, as it later turns out, even Otto admits that he was wrong.
  • In Cerebus the title character gets this from his own creator. Cerebus has had much of his life explained to him, and given several possible futures for the remaining 100 issues of the 300-issue series. None of them work out, and when Dave Sim narrates how Cerebus' inner nature remains, his ignorance, his insensitivity, his self-absorption, his— Cerebus interrupts with a "shut up." "Shut up? Ah, no. No, my obnoxious little grey creation" and proceeds to use the comic book medium to beat the hell out of Cerebus, telling him "You shut up and you fucking listen for once in your fucking life!!!"
    • Several issues, Cerebus hears much the same thing from Bear, one of his closest friends and idols. Funny thing, Cerebus dies in #300, still not having learned very much.
  • When Chris Claremont undid the hideous damage done to Carol Danvers in Avengers #200, he has her deliver a furious What the Hell, Hero? to the Avengers for allowing her to be taken away and brainwashed after she'd been raped and impregnated with her rapist.
    Carol: I turned to you for help, and I got jokes. The Wasp thought it was great and the Beast offered to play teddy bear. Your concerns were for the baby, not for how it came to be — nor of the cost to me of that conception. You took everything Marcus said at face value. You didn't question, you didn't doubt. You simply let me go with a wave and a bouncy bon voyage. That was your mistake for which I paid the price. My mistake was trusting you.

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