Quotes: Never Heard That One Before

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    Comic Books 

The Revenant: I suppose this is the point where I tell you that you won't get away with this?
Dr. Irons: And a parting cliché to you too.
PS238

    Film — Animated 

Everyone calls me that but it's Not! That! Funny!
Hercules, about his nickname of "Jerkules"

    Music 

You probably get that a lot
I'll bet that people say that a lot while you,
Are sarcastically lip-syncing along
To words they felt were spoken spontaneously
They Might Be Giants, "You Probably Get That A Lot"

    Literature 

"I'm a private detective."
"Oh?" said Kate in surprise, and then looked puzzled.
"Does that bother you?"
"It's just that I have a friend who plays the double bass."
"I see," said Dirk.
"Whenever people meet him and he's struggling around with it, they all say the same thing, and it drives him crazy. They all say, 'I bet you wished you played the piccolo.' Nobody ever works out that that's what everybody else says. I was just trying to work out if there was something that everybody would always say to a private detective so that I could avoid saying it."

Professor Slughorn: You look very like your father.
Harry: Yeah, I've been told.
Slughorn: Except for your eyes. You've got—
Harry: My mother's eyes, yeah.

So let us be clear with one another, Admiral. I have one life, not nine. I have never been killed by curiosity, my parents do not live in a cat house, my mother did not rock me as an infant in a cat's cradle, the preferred Caitian method of self-defence is not cat-boxing, I do not deposit my earnings into a kitty, if I am trying to be delicate about a subject I do not pussyfoot around - shall I go on?

    Live-action TV 

Martha: It's bigger on the inside!
Doctor: Is it? I hadn't noticed.

    Web Animation 

It's a game that depends on shared knowledge; hence, presumably, the mechanic wherein players can leave little Post-It notes for each other. But the ones that say anything as helpful as, the mechanic 'hey, you can only summon helpers in boss fights when you're unhollowed', or, 'look, here's a narrow and easy-to-miss path down which lies the rest of the fucking game' are in a vast minority to the ones that say 'try jumping' right next to bottomless pits. How witty of you, random player. And only getting wittier after FIFTY FUCKING TIMES!

    Web Original 

W.A.S.P. does NOT stand for "We Are Sexual Perverts" you stupid fucking prick.

If a joke immediately pops into your head after three seconds' worth of pondering, assume it will occur to many, many people as well, and a large fraction of them will probably make it in other pages. Result: unfunny repetition.

This is a joke both so old and so obvious that it's a puzzlement anyone would take it seriously enough to ask us 'Is this true?', but apparently there's never so obvious a joke but that someone doesn't get it.
Snopes, on the Penis van Lesbian joke

Did Billy compare movies to baseball within six seconds of strolling out onto the stage? Of course he did. Did he dress up in blackface and impersonate Sammy Davis Jr? Of course he did...There should've been a live from the Catskills graphic on the screen during his monologue. "This is my ninth time hosting the Oscars. So tonight just call me War Horse." Take his jokes—please.
Drew Magary, "The 25 Least Influential People of 2012"

I suppose there is something amusing about Mulder and Scully being sent on a team building course only to be sidetracked into an investigation that requires a great deal of teamwork, but it's the sort of joke that makes you laugh for five seconds and then sigh. By the end of the episode they have to work together to make a big pile of bodies to winch back up above ground. Go team.
Joe Ford on The X-Files, "Detour"

shit my dad says is like a shot-for-shot remake of a sitcom your grandparents don't remember hating as kids... these jokes are so old that the rough draft of this script was written in buffalo paintings.

MoeWood was supposed to get married, have a baby together, give that baby a hipster name like Leopold Kelp and become my third favorite gayelle couple after Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin (RIP). But you know, since lesbians stereotypically move fast, they probably did all of that in the few weeks they were together ("You forgot to make an Indigo Girls joke, you stupid, unoriginal piece of trash" – my lesbian friends) and once they figure out a fair custody arrangement for lil’ baby Leopold Kelp, they’ll divide up their Indigo Girls vinyl collection ("Don’t forget a Home Depot joke too, you dumb mess" – my lesbian friends again) and shred their joint Home Depot charge card.
Michael K., "That Was Fast"

I await an awkward moment, since Rei seems to not be at home. Oh, and there it is. She was in the shower and just waltzes out as Shinji is messing with a pair of busted up glasses he finds. She rushes forward with little concern over the fact her no-no parts are showing and grabs the glasses, knocks Shinji into her dresser, his bag gets caught on her dresser drawer, and as he falls forward over her nude form Rei's undergarments fly everywhere. Normally, this produces shrieks of 'Pervert' and violence ensues.... I can finally see where this series is breaking away from the chains of anime conformity.

Carrie Fisher: Proving that you can kick ass even with two Danishes as big as your face strapped to your head. Yeah, it’s an old line, but what else can I do? Height jokes and cracks about her being coked off her ass? No! I do have some standards, for God’s sake. Besides, those will come later.

Oh, so the Beatles did drugs? I never heard that joke before. THAT’S F*CKING HILARIOUS! Oh, and apparently Bob Dylan uses some confusing metaphors in his music. GENIUS! ORIGINAL! And by the way, you don’t mock Bob Dylan. He has done more in one album than most musicians do in a lifetime... Let me give you guys a few more original jokes for you: Keith Richards has done quite a few drugs, Milli Vanilli lip synched, Metallica gets rather peeved at music piracy, Vanilla Ice looks quite foolish rapping.

Say what you will about Kevin Smith, his new movie Tusk really blows the lid off this whole Canada thing. Aboot. Eh. Syrup. Poutine. French people.
Vince Mancini

Having written a blog post more or less daily for ten years, I have come to have a certain degree of sympathy for the longrunning comics I mock, and to understand that not every day’s effort can be a winner: some days, you just sort of run with the joke you have and hope for a better tomorrow. And yet I don’t think that justifies pulling out a joke that was already ancient when it appeared in the first Bill and Ted movie 25 years ago, Dennis the Menace. I really don’t. Do better.

Jury Duty! Seriously, has anyone ever made jokes about this? It's such a hassle! There are so many fresh, new and funny situations that you could build a comic around Jury Duty, especially if you're using a character who seems so unlikely as Crankshaft! I don't think he takes his civic responsibilities very seriously at all! Ha ha!
Chris Sims, Funkywatching

    Web Video 

Hey Light do you know what your name spells backwards? Oh I don't know what is it? It's Imagay! It's Imagay! Lol Lol! Lol!

The Joker: You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name. Harley Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn...
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: ...Like the clown character, Harlequin. I know. I've heard it before.

Speaking as someone who knows a little something about making fun of them: Vapid white girls? It's shooting fish in a barrel. Frank Zappa beat you to it. The goddamn Wayans Bros. beat you to it. And even in the world of viral internet videos I can think think of one that was funnier, and it came out eight years ago. I mean, that's not only better music, it's also way more on-point: "White girls: you probably shouldn't throw up gang signs."
Todd in the Shadows on "#Selfie", "The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014"

    Western Animation 

Security Guard: Is that a dildo in your pocket?
Lucy: No! I'm just happy to see you!
Security Guard: I've heard that one. Every shoplifter uses that joke!
Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil learns what not to say when caught stealing sex toys

Harvey Birdman: My client, a private investigator.
Mentok: Colloquially known as...?
Harvey Birdman: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say 'dick'.
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs]'' Inch. High. Dick.

    Real Life 

Interviewer: What today's audience doesn't understand, and maybe you can put this in context, is anytime anybody said anything about "short", you were the butt of jokes
Rooney: Well I'M TIRED OF THAT!!
Interviewer: (terrified) Oh.
Mickey Rooney, Twilight Zone commentary

Basically, Homer just had a lot of fun hanging out with gay men, and drinking in bars, and dancing at discos, and all that, and there was nothing – there was no commentary there. Every restaurant had a silly gay name. They gym had a silly gay name. They were all double entendres, obviously...Then I started thinking, maybe they just wanted my stamp of approval on it because it was just a bunch of clichés.
Harvey Fierstein on declining to reprise his role on The Simpsons

Uhh, I see some virgins in the audience! [deafening silence] Virgins? [nothing] There are so many virgins in here. Richard Branson. [beat] —is doing this event.
Jamie Kennedy, E3 2007

Cable company: Our support teams are fully engaged to make sure @SirPatStew is well tended to. We're Trekkers and will make it so.
Stewart: Impertinent, presumptuous. And so..."original".
Twitter conversation

Teacher Mrs. Simpson is an older lady with a voice like a chipper English nanny, and is instilled with the comic device of deafness, where everything is heard incorrectly or not at all — “Did your back go out again?” “No, my back went out again!” Why it's like Groucho in his prime, isn't it?
Stuart Millard on Saved by the Bell ("The Substitute"), So Excited, So Scared)