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Quotes: Never Heard That One Before
You probably get that a lot
I'll bet that people say that a lot while you,
Are sarcastically lip-syncing along
To words they felt were spoken spontaneously
They Might Be Giants, "You Probably Get That A Lot"

"I'm a private detective."
"Oh?" said Kate in surprise, and then looked puzzled.
"Does that bother you?"
"It's just that I have a friend who plays the double bass."
"I see," said Dirk.
"Whenever people meet him and he's struggling around with it, they all say the same thing, and it drives him crazy. They all say, 'I bet you wished you played the piccolo.' Nobody ever works out that that's what everybody else says. I was just trying to work out if there was something that everybody would always say to a private detective so that I could avoid saying it."
"No. What happens is that everybody looks very shifty for a moment, and you got that very well."

Kevyn: Gav! How are you? Err... Wow. I hope the convention doesn't vote on anything. You can cast a plurality all by yourself.
Gav: Hey, cool! Clone humor!
Gav: It's going to be a long weekend.
Gav: More Guinness to the front! Somebody sounds stressed out, and I think it's a me!

"If a joke immediately pops into your head after three seconds' worth of pondering, assume it will occur to many, many people as well, and a large fraction of them will probably make it in other pages. Result: unfunny repetition. "

Harvey Birdman: My client, a private investigator.
Mentok: Colloquially known as...?
Harvey Birdman: Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?
Inch-High, Private Eye: He wants you to say 'dick'.
Mentok: Which would make you an...?
Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs] Inch. High. Dick.

"So let us be clear with one another, Admiral. I have one life, not nine. I have never been killed by curiosity, my parents do not live in a cat house, my mother did not rock me as an infant in a cat's cradle, the preferred Caitian method of self-defence is not cat-boxing, I do not deposit my earnings into a kitty, if I am trying to be delicate about a subject I do not pussyfoot around - shall I go on?"

Security Guard: Is that a dildo in your pocket?
Lucy: No! I'm just happy to see you!
Security Guard: I've heard that one. Every shoplifter uses that joke!
Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil learns what not to say when caught stealing sex toys

Martha: It's bigger on the inside!
Doctor: Is it? I hadn't noticed.

The Revenant: I suppose this is the point where I tell you that you won't get away with this?
Dr. Irons: And a parting cliché to you too.
PS238

Patrick Stewart: Impertinent, presumptuous. And so..."original".
Twitter conversation [1] [2]

Professor Slughorn: You look very like your father.
Harry: Yeah, I've been told.
Slughorn: Except for your eyes. You've got -
Harry: My mother's eyes, yeah.

Interviewer: What today's audience doesn't understand, and maybe you can put this in context, is anytime anybody said anything about "short", you were the butt of jokes
Rooney: WELL I'M TIRED OF THAT!!
Interviewer: (terrified) Oh.
Micky Rooney, Twilight Zone commentary

"Shit my dad says is like a shot-for-shot remake of a sitcom your grandparents don't remember hating as kids... these jokes are so old that the rough draft of this script was written in buffalo paintings."

"It turns out that all of the funny Canadian jokes have already been told, and in retrospect, they weren't that funny to begin with, e.g, we all say 'aboot,' we're all unfailingly polite, and we all live in igloos, hur hur hur. Also, we unnecessarily add 'U's to perfectly good words like colour, neighbour and couck-sucker."

"Batiuk and Ayers turned their comedic laser to what has to be one of the last untapped sources of comedy available to the American humorist: Jury Duty! Seriously, has anyone ever made jokes about this? It's such a hassle! There are so many fresh, new and funny situations that you could build a comic around Jury Duty, especially if you're using a character who seems so unlikely as Crankshaft! I don't think he takes his civic responsibilities very seriously at all! Ha ha!"
Chris Sims, Funkywatching

"It's a game that depends on shared knowledge; hence, presumably, the mechanic wherein players can leave little Post-It notes for each other. But the ones that say anything as helpful as, the mechanic "hey, you can only summon helpers in boss fights when you're unhollowed", or, "look, here's a narrow and easy-to-miss path down which lies the rest of the fucking game" are in a vast minority to the ones that say "try jumping" right next to bottomless pits. How witty of you, random player. And only getting wittier after fifty fucking times!"

"Oh, so the Beatles did drugs? I never heard that joke before. THAT’S F*CKING HILARIOUS! Oh, and apparently Bob Dylan uses some confusing metaphors in his music. GENIUS! ORIGINAL! And by the way, you don’t mock Bob Dylan. He has done more in one album than most musicians do in a lifetime. Oh, and you have someone doing an over the top character of Elvis. Bravo Mr. Kasdan! I never expected that. Let me give you guys a few more original jokes for you: Keith Richards has done quite a few drugs, Milli Vanilli lip synched, Metallica gets rather peeved at music piracy, Vanilla Ice looks quite foolish rapping."

Hey Light do you know what your name spells backwards? Oh I don't know what is it? It's Imagay! It's Imagay! Lol Lol! Lol!


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