Just For Fun / TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows Cellblock I

Visit the main dungeon here.

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801. Should I ever, through my diabolical scheming and and/or pet Mad Scientist, come up with fantastically profitable technology, screw it. I'll drop my vendettas and sell the technology for a profit. That should guarantee I'll live a life of comfort and ease. I'll even make regular donations to charity, and rein in my underlings to keep them from doing anything evil. No hero will go after me if I'm just another law-abiding citizen.
802. All of my infantry weapons shall be usable by all my soldiers with minimum of training and common sense. They shall also be simple and rugged enough to able to operate and be maintained in an array of environments.
803. All of my mechanized troops shall have standardized vehicles. Said vehicles shall be able to switch out a wide variety of weapons packages made for a variety of situations. This makes field repairs and manufacturing easier.
804. All of my prototypes shall have plans. Furthermore, these prototypes will at most be as strong as my standard production models and shall be unnamed saved for a random number designation.
805. All of my R&D facilities shall be heavily guarded, with regular background checks and monitoring done for all personnel. I shall also have my prototype dismantled and put into storage so that a hero doesn't end up stealing it.
806. If the heroes retreat and leave behind their ridiculously adorable pet or team companion I will not take it in as my own cherished pet. I will check said ridiculously adorable animal for any sort of homing device that the heroes may use to locate my evil lair when I take it in as a cherished pet. If I find such, I will either instantly destroy it, or throw it into a pond/lake/ocean/rain forest with poisonous and man-eating animals, and then drop off the creature at a local animal shelter.
807. If for some reason I fall from power and am executed by the hero, should a subordinate resurrect me so that I may reclaim my title of overlord then I will NOT kill the subordinate as a show of how evil I am. Instead, I will promote them to be my new right-hand man.
808. I will not even THINK about trying to take over/cancel/ruin/kill/etc. Christmas. Instead, I will choose one of those Make-A-Wish foundation kids that wants to be an overlord for a day, and grant it...With some limits of course. Not only will this be good PR, I may even make it on Santa's nice list. Plus, with all those people saving the damn holiday, it's not worth the headache.
809. I will never assume that just because a certain person is my enemy's child/trusted lieutenant/best friend, it means they will know my enemy's secrets. It doesn't work.
810. Twins who are separated at birth always end up enemies. If one of my lieutenants turns out to have a twin, that twin will be the hero. I will either arrange an "accident" for my lieutenant, get him to switch to a rival overlord, or "allow" him to stage a coup, so that when the hero takes him out, and can pretend he was the real evil all along.
811. If I find out twins were separated at birth, I will do my best to get them raised together. I will not try to kill them or their family. That rarely ever works. The twins would just survive and end up working together against me when they grow up.
812. I will never assume that I have the power of a god, that I AM a god, or that I am in any way a deity. That NEVER works.
813. I will buy the rights to every song that could be used for a Training Montage.
814. I will make Death/Doom, Funeral Doom and Drone Doom the official music of the empire.
815. If there is a prophesy involving a hero finding and killing me, I will do a lot of research on said prophesy and make absolutely sure that the evil overlord is not going to be me.
816. If I ever build a Laser Hallway of death, I will make very certain that the lasers are too closely spaced to be bypassed by doing flips. The lasers themselves will be infrared or ultraviolet, so that the hero doesn't even know he's being shot at until he gets hit.
817. If I create a laser wall, I will ensure that it is properly maintained by a board certified technician, and will not shut down simply because the last mook in the room has died.
818. I will employ multiple kindly, eccentric, and/or grizzled old men to play the role of mentor to any prospective hero. They will keep me appraised of the hero's weaknesses and movements and be sure to direct the hero's attention only to my enemies. If the hero ever decides to come after me anyway, I will know exactly where to find him and how to kill him. Any real mentors will be taken to an old age home and labeled as completely senile, not killed so they can fuel the righteous vengeance of the hero.
819. All healing objects placed on my Mooks will be placed internally, and cause Regeneration while it's activated. That way, the Heroes will not be able to take it off their (deceased) person after their defeat.
820. I will keep the Evil Overlord List away from Mooks and the Heroes, so as to keep them from knowing my plans.
821. Anyone even remotely competent, intelligent, skillful, good at fighting, or otherwise useful in any way whatsoever should already either be working for me or be dead.
822. The top tiers of my organization will be made up of people I would trust with my life. I really can't be bothered worrying about who's planning to backstab me next. If I can't find people I'd trust with my life it's not going to be a very successful organization anyway.
823. I will never double cross anyone I've teamed up with until after we accomplished the goal which forced us to team up in the first place.
824. If I manage to convert one of the heroes I will not immediately send him to fight against his old friends. Instead I'll give him a free month's stay at a tropical resort as a signing bonus and then deploy him as far away from his previous team as possible.
825. Sending the hero's evil opposite after him is actually a pretty good plan. But since perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything, I'll send my other elite troops as backup.
826. Anyone who uses the phrase 'false sense of security' will be gently slid out of the chain of command and shuffled into an inconsequential administrative job if I'm feeling charitable and shot if I'm not.
827. Some of my elite troops will spend part of their time locked up in my dungeons, turned into stone, shoved in an alternate dimension, or otherwise replicating whatever storage method I use for the people I do not for some reason choose to kill immediately. They will be recompensed for this service. That way, if the hero ever shows up and starts randomly freeing my prisoners from said storage method, there will be someone on the spot to either take him out or at least thin the escapee crowd a bit.
828. If I ever feel like releasing the heroes into a jungle and then riding after them atop an elephant, I will instead kill them and go visit my psychiatrist again.
829. No matter how much ancient mystical power they hold, collectible card games will not be the key to my evil plan. However, I will not be above marketing them to children and organizing a series of tournaments with a cool and mysterious looking but actually useless object as a prize.
830. I will keep any cool and mysterious-looking but actually useful objects for examination and, in the event of excessively negative side effects, store them in an inconspicuous safe hurtling an inconspicuous several thousand miles per hour towards the sun.
831. I will use proportionate response and avoid collateral damage where possible. But if the citizens of an area continue getting uppity, it might just be time to remind them how my Legions of Doom got their name.
832. If I have the ability to bring people back from the dead, I will milk it for all it's worth. However, I will not raise a beloved relative/mentor of the hero to fight him under my psychic control. That never ends well for me, and now It's Personal.
833. The different branches of my organizations will have reliable access to relevant information about that organization's activities.
834. If I do decide to have children after all, I will also gather babies of the same age into my castle. All the children will be given an education and combat training, as well as indoctrinated. Not only will they form the elite core of my empire, this will also give my children the chance to find a love interest long before any hero has the motor skills to get anywhere near them.
835. If I decide to use biological weapons (i.e. parasites or viruses) as a means of controlling the populace, I will not use the same as my primary method of attack against the hero. Unfortunately, heroes have a tendency to luck into those "one-in-a-million" immunities to such things. In addition, I will never employ any virus as a weapon until a working antidote or vaccine has been mass-produced for my own forces and population.
836. If, for some reason, I do not wish to kill anyone, I will immediately begin research into creating a device to hold victims in a state of permanent stasis. Alternatively, if such a thing exists within my setting, I will attempt to access and use the Phantom Zone. Both plans come with serious risks, but if the setting I'm in tends to hand out Karmic Death with reckless abandon to anyone who kills so much as a nameless peasant, perhaps they make the safer route.
837. I will not have my mad scientists conduct cruel experiments on children, especially young girls. This goes double for psychic or otherwise supernaturally-gifted children, and triple for supernaturally-gifted girls. Instead, these children will be given supportive, kindly, and extremely gracious treatment while quietly indoctrinating them to serve me.
838. I will not try to summon a 1000 year old demon and try to command it, THIS NEVER WORKS.
839. If I decide to summon a demon, regardless of age or type, I will be sure that I know the all possible methods to banish it, lest it turns out to be more difficult to command than expected.
840. When plastering my kingdom with Dead Or Alive wanted posters for the heroes, I will not list their crimes as "Rebellion Against The Throne" or "Thieving from the Royal Coffers" which will gain them unnecessary sympathy among the masses. Instead, the warrant will be put out for Child Molestation, Serial Rape/Murder of Prostitutes, and Littering.
841. I will kill the fangirls. All of them.
842. In addition to my policy of avoiding single combat whenever possible, I will particularly treat challenges to one-to-one combat from the elderly, the meek, the ridiculously lightly built, and the mentally handicapped with all due caution. I.E. I will order my Legion of Terror to gun the challenger down from a safe distance.
843. One-to-one combat with any individual or small harmless creature called "Fluffy" is not ever worth considering; Go straight to fuel-air bomb, Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred pounds.
844. Ez naiz nahi izan nire gaitz azpijokoa lhnp. Beraz, banu duzu hizketa nire burua nion, ez dudala hizkuntza hil oso aditzaren lhnp eta aditzaren ezezko biribil ri dagokion atzerriko hizkuntza antzeko Euskara. Erabiltzen da gramatikaren aldetik ikuspegia nahasi Euskara.^note I do not want my evil plans overheard. Thus, if I MUST talk to myself, I will do so in a language that is not widely spoken and that has no closely related languages, like Basque. And it will be grammatically incorrect to confuse true Basque speakers.
845. If I ever have to ally myself with a supernatural being, I will always keep in mind that a more powerful and harder-to-destroy being who's opposed to my new patron might exist. If I find out, I'll quickly change sides. No one wants to be on the losing side of Judgment Day. However, any deity's claims to omnipotence and omniscience will be met with careful skepticism.
846. I will make certain that any deity I worship or claim allegiance to (chaotic, evil, or otherwise) is at the very least benevolent and forgiving towards its servants, lest my plans be foiled anyway.
847. When the hero challenges me to a children's card game or a Cooking Duel, I will accept. When he disarms and prepares, I will shoot him in the face.
848. I will study Joe Chaos, Lelouch vi Britannia, Kane, and Grand Admiral Thrawn. I will then combine their strategies. In addition, if my PR is so good that the entire world loves me, I will use this combined strategy to my advantage: I will get myself publically and brutally killed by an assassin who disguises themselves as the hero then gets away cleanly whilst I am using a cursed item that will ensure my resurrection in a few weeks' time. This will unite the entire planet against the hero, and I will shortly return to lead them against the man who killed their idol. Why a cursed item? They tend to work every single time, and they usually grant immortality, which some people, curiously, think is a bad thing.
849. If I ever attempt to flush out the hero by capturing someone he cares about deeply, but someone else already tried that and it either didn't work or they got their ass kicked, and I decide to kill the hostage instead, I will rethink that decision a lot. If the hero is that deadly, then I have not only committed a Moral Event Horizon (especially so if the murder was brutal), but the hero will be after me now.
850. I will not invade Russia in the winter.
851. I will never get involved in an land war in Asia. I will also never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! Unless I've already won.
852. I will not fight the hero as God intended. Sportsmanlike. In other words, we will not put down our weapons and try to kill each other like civilized people.
853. Diatribes are a big no-no, nobody needs to know your plans except the people that were at the presentation and planning, and they already know the plan, so it's just a waste at that point.
854. If I decide to Hypnotize the Captive, I will just do it on someone I am attracted to, and it will just be for a few quickies or to facilitate cooperation in Rule 8 in my original guide. Anything else attempted with this damsel is likely to end badly for me.
855. Rather than a long and convoluted multi-stage plan, I will simply make use of a series of plans each consisting of one stage.
856. If a group of minions report seeing a creature previously believed to be mythical, I will not dismiss their claims simply because the creature is from a "children's story." Instead, I will send a team equipped with cameras and scientific equipment to investigate before I can make a sufficient conclusion.
857. In order to prevent Gaia's Vengeance (or at least a group of environmentalist heroes attacking me), I will make sure my diabolical schemes are as eco-friendly as possible.
858. If captured by the hero for any length of time, I will act polite and nonthreatening like the Magnificent Bastard I am. I will not try to escape until I have a reasonably high chance of success, and I will not taunt my enemies — this will either make the guards let their guard down or unnerve the hell out of everyone. If, however, I'm taken to the rebel base, I will keep an ear open for any signs of attack. If I'm unable to get the hell out of there before such an attack, I'll dodge the Karmic Death by saving the hero's life and escaping with him. Faking a Heel–Face Turn is optional.
859. I will resist the temptation to humiliate captured enemies through deathtraps, forced signs of subjugation (like kneeling) or forcing them to fight each other. I will treat my prisoners with basic human respect. My dungeons will be well maintained, well lit and possess basic comforts — not only does this make it easier to keep an eye on prisoners and prevent escape, but they will be less eager to do so.
860. My prisoners will receive proper health care. If I capture somebody in battle, their wounds will be treated. If an important enemy is unconscious when I pick them up and in battle/a deathtrap/et cetera, I will have both their feet amputated and inform them that they were crushed when they wake up.
861. I will try avoiding hiring Knights of the Templar variety as my police. They have a bad tendency to take orders literally, and I need my Public Relations Image to be high.
862. I will keep in mind that the most dangerous person in the hero's group is either the little old man or the small, skinny girl. If the hero is either of these, well, liberal use of the Kill Sat is always a good plan.
863. You know something? Screw this list and all its rules. If I follow all these rules I'll never have any fun and that's the whole point of being an Evil Overlord. Being Genre Savvy IS BORING. So the only rule I'm going to have is not to follow any of these rules. So what if the Hero kills me? At least I get to have fun, and besides, Who Wants to Live Forever??
864. I will also get a tan and dye my hair blonde, to confuse the enemy.
865. If I am a male evil overlord and I am blonde, I will dye my hair.
866. If I must put in the ability for the hero to hack my equipment, I will make certain to make it literally impossible (for example: if it is done via a pipe-dream-esque setting, I will make the one slot before the exit set off an alarm or cause the device to explode in a violent fashion).
867. If I hire any ninja, I will make certain they understand the concept of stealth. Any ninja who are known to run around in broad daylight screaming the names of their attacks at the top of their lungs will not even be considered for the job.
868. On 847th thought, screw being an Evil Overlord. If I can do all of that, I can go legit and make a ton of money much easier.
869. No matter how consumed I am by The Dark Side, I will never ignore or forget the reasons I became an Evil Overlord in the first place. Just saying that I inherited The Empire from my dad doesn't count.
870. I will cross-train all my maids in the art of combat. Imagine the hero's surprise when the seemingly harmless French Maid runs up and kicks him in the head. Or other places....
871. If at all technologically feasible, I will not command my forces from an evil lair or fortress; that will instead be a symbolic center and be used as a barracks and storehouse, if anything. Instead, I will secure a smaller but equally-secure and very-well-hidden hideout some distance away. This A. serves as a backup command when the Big Damn Heroes storm my palatial castle-tower in the middle of Mordor, B. robs the Action Hero of his much-anticipated Boss Battle (in which my victory would be unlikely), and C. acts as a safeguard for the inevitable collapse that could otherwise be my death.
872. To ensure that "Evil Cannot Comprehend Good" does not come into play, I will familiarize myself with whatever morality system the heroes subscribe to, and so confirm that the reverse is true. Even if this seems trivial, it still can be useful when predicting my enemies' actions. Remember, they have moral and social limits that you do not, so do not fatally overestimate them and assume they think like you.
873. I will remember that abusing morality systems tends to cause anti-heroes to emerge. Heroes without moral and social limits can be extremely dangerous to the villain that is used to abusing morality systems.
874. I will not make assumptions about the humanity and morality of the hero who struts about in all black and slaughters every minion he crosses paths with. While some heroes slaughter mooks without a second thought only to spare the Evil Overlord, I will not count on this.
875. All of my personal grooming will be done by me and me alone, especially if it involves a blade or something that will go in my mouth or eyes, no matter how luxurious, opulent, or flashy it would be to pay others to do it for me.
876. My five-year-old child advisor will also be autistic, just in case another Simon appears; then, I'll have someone that would have their mind working the same way.
877. I'll start pretending to be a nice fellow to everyone, and sharpening up my innocent looks. If it worked quite well for Aizen, wouldn't it work for someone that's more of a Genre Savvy than him?
878. From time to time, I will send people to creep around my evil lair, sneak up on guards, and shout "Boo!" Any guard who jumps will be demoted to light infantry. Any guard who responds by turning around and pointing their weapon at the person will be considered for promotion to my Personal Guard. And at least a raise.
879. Incidentally, I will learn how to move silently. I will then exercise this knowledge by making as much of the floor in my lair creak as much as possible, to prevent intruders from moving silently. The exception will be floors that lead to my emergency escape route.
880. I will stop wasting my time on stupid, pointless sites and actually try getting my Evil Empire off the ground.
881. When, or if, I actually manage to Take Over the World, I must immediately start working to keep everyone together. La Résistance will likely be trying to ruin my new global order, and I want as few people as possible in said rebellion. Bread and Circuses will be my best way to reduce the rebels' numbers, because La Résistance is often-times formed from an oppressive ruler. And do I really want to have to deal with that problem AFTER I took over the world and have to govern everyone?
882. I will start my global empire in Australia. Great natural defenses, and a tactically powerful geographical position.
883. If at any point the hero shouts "You're insane/mad/crazy" I will NOT ignore them or laugh. I will be seeing a psychiatrist anyway, since it's hard to enjoy absolute power when you aren't right in the head.
884. My psychiatrist will NOT be someone that I kidnapped. I will require someone loyal who will engage in Doctor-Patient Confidentiality. Preferably loyalty that will be bought with my obscene wealth versus someone with a conscience.
885. The misinformation campaign regarding my one secret weakness shall involve several fake weaknesses, each confided in a different person. This way, if the hero attempts to vanquish me by dousing me with lemon-lime sports soft drink, I will know immediately who I need to issue arrest and termination orders for once I dispatch that annoying do-gooder.
886. I will remember that when it comes to blows my choice is not limited to the use of small arms, illegal purchase of second-hand nukes and expensive development of awesome, but unreliable Death Rays with subsequent even more expensive and suspicious orbit injection. For those cases when a few bullets fail to convey the message, there are various anti-tank munitions, Thermite Missile Massacre, explosive-driven magnetic generators (for more hi-tech foes) and other destructive effects to try. At worst, it will give me a chance to disengage and try something else another day, as the laws of the genre are against one's demise until all Impressive Pyrotechnics options are exhausted if one keeps trying — so it's wise to have some more up my sleeve.
887. Screw the "never bring swords to a gunfight" rules. I will, of course, bring a gun, but I will also bring several knives and a strangling cord to any fight I have.
888. I will make certain I have a Cool Ship of any variety, if only because they have a tendency to be more powerful than regular ships. And it will be my personal mode of transport, and outfitted so that only I can drive it. That way, those blasted heroes won't swipe it from me and use it against me.
889. I will always have a backup plan on the off-chance something goes wrong. It doesn't hurt to be prepared, you know.
890. Also, if I absolutely have to control a hero or one of their loved ones, I will use more than one method of control, just in case the hero or heroes manage to break one of the methods.
891. I will use different, random combinations of letters and numbers for all passwords instead of easily-remembered codewords like "swordfish", or my mother's maiden name. Such common passwords will instead trigger an automatic lockdown and sound the alarm.
892. If I find myself absolutely compelled to do the Slouch of Villainy, I will retain the services of a competent chiropractor and a good in-house masseuse.
893. I will ensure that my secret police, black knights, whatever shall be recruited as young as possible, and be orphans so that no one will notice that they're missing to ensure complete and absolute loyalty to me... However, I will make sure that it is not me who's personally responsible for their kin's demises, that's just asking for a Karmic Death.
894. Since I'm a realistic evil overlord, my main priority in any conflict will be to "not lose" rather than to actually "win"... As Sun Tzu said "Defeat lies in one's own hands whereas victory lies in the hands of the enemy" and since most of the time it's easier to kill a cockroach than to crush a hero's determination to win it will be easier in the long run
895. If the Hero is between the ages of ten and thirty, I will be especially careful. Extra caution shall be used when they reach the ages of 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, and 25.
896. If two countries are at war with one another, I will sell weaponry, soldiers, and supplies to both sides of the conflict... I will charge the country that's losing the war more for my aid because I know that they are more desperate, and I will also try and keep the war lasting as long as possible, be it through spreading rumours of surprise attack from one side or assassination of pesky pro-peace officials in one of the country's bureaucracies and framing the other side for it.
897. My dungeons will have no furnishings which a hero could fashion into ways to escape.
898. If I am given a gift of wine and the giver swigs from the bottle to prove it's not poisoned, I will not then drink it from a cup that was also provided by said giver unless they drink from the same cup first. Also, if I have a food taster, I will wait more than five minutes after they have tested a foodstuff before I consume it myself. And my food taster will test EVERYTHING; I don't want to end up diluting safe wine with untested poisoned water. I will of course make sure I build up an immunity to every known poison in the world in the first place, but it never hurts to have a backup plan.
899. If I must wear an animal skull as a helmet, I will remove the teeth first, or at least blunt them.
900. I will pull a SHODAN when it comes to dead bodies. Namely, all dead bodies will be cybernetically resurrected and augmented with not only cool abilities but brainwashed to obey me.