Funny / The Angry Video Game Nerd Season Three

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The calm before the storm.

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Virtual Boy

• His opening rant about the Virtual Boy ends with "Come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole."
• Duct-taping the Virtual Boy to his head, enhanced by a DVD outtake where he painfully removes the tape.
• "Waterworld... on Virtual Boy! It's like puking on a pile of shit!"
  "It does look like shit."
  • He then mentions how Waterworld is the only movie-licensed game on the Virtual Boy, and how it's "a match made in heaven".
    "It's a perfect analogy! An over budget, overhyped movie turned into a game on a gimmicky overpriced anal atom bomb of a console exploding with diarrhea!"

The Wizard of Oz

• Having a look at the game's enemies:
  "Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants, which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs! Is this The Wizard of Oz or Pee-Wee's Playhouse?!?! Then, there's all these buzzsaws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you!" *pulls out a clock* "OH, GOD! HERE IT IS!!! WATCH OUT FOR THE CLOCK!!!" *gets himself hit*
• The Cowardly Lion demonstrating his attacks:
  Nerd: Now, as far as the attacks go, he has like this weird bitch-slap.
  (starts swatting at the Nerd)
  Nerd: Yeah, it's the equivalent of Scarecrow's pitchfork. And he's the only character besides Dorothy that can shoot stuff.
  (shoots projectiles that hit the Nerd in the face)
• James visibly and audibly struggling not to crack up at the Lion's antics.
  Lion: Oh, I'd like to wipe my ass with this tail!
• "Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of my ass!"
• When The Nerd gets to the end of the game:
  Nerd: Now, shortly after the Witch, you go to the Emerald City.
  Lion: Emerald City asshole.
  Nerd: Yeah, it's the last stage in the game.
  Lion: Thank fucking god.
  Nerd: And to navigate this place is as confusing as all hell.
  Lion: Hell's confusing.
  [...]
  Nerd: Now, this is the last room in the game.
  Lion: 'Bout fuckin' time.
  [...]
  Nerd: Now, what the fuck? How am I supposed to get under this flame?
  Lion: Piss on it.
• "Wipe your ass on Toto!"
• "DAAAAAMN, you just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!"
• The outtakes at the end, especially this one:
  Nerd: Hey man, did you just swear?
  Lion: Ye- oh yeah, I said... f- fuck you fuck you, dickdickdickdickdick!
  (James breaks character)

Double-Vision

• On the Intellivision:
  Nerd: The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
• It's mostly the delivery on this one:
  Nerd: Let's try Mission X. More like Mission ASS.
• When losing a life in Tron: Deadly Discs: "SHIT THE FUCK?!"
• Microsurgeon:
  Nerd: The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. I can't believe I'm making that kind of reference. But anyway, you control a barely visible dot on the screen moving around the human body. There's spiders and clouds floating around, and I doubt this thing's medically accurate. You just explore all the guts, technically making it the goriest game ever made. But, it only goes so far. I guess the piss and shit zone just didn't do it.
• "Boxing. Okay. Yeah, boxing. This sucks."
• "BEEEEEEEEEEE SEVENTEEN BAAAAUUUUMERRRRR!!"
  • Even better is how he doesn't even review it past the title screen:
    Nerd: All right, fuck the game, let's try Bomb Squad.
• The homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey regarding the Colecovision's AC adapter.
• The Nerd plays Montezuma's Revenge:
  Nerd: Well, I would make some comment about diarrhea or something, but it's actually a pretty good platforming game.
• "Next is Campaign '84. Yes, a game based on a presidential campaign, probably the worst fucking concept for any game in history."
  Nerd: First, you pick what you want to accomplish — y'know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country, like "Ban all shoelaces." And that's my favorite because shoelaces are bullshit!
• Learning With Leeper:
  Nerd: In the balloon game, all you gotta do is match the letters. See, that's a "T" up there, so all I do is I just grab the "T", I match them up, and there you go. You win. It's pretty hard, right?
• Robin Hood:
  Nerd: I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shooting the fuck out of people with your arrows. Man, all this violence going on, but the sun is just smiling away.
• Looping:
  Nerd: Oh man that pilot's drunk as shit!
• About the Colecovision's expansion module: "Now the fourth expansion module connects it to a dishwasher, and then the fifth and final one ... connects it to your ass!"

The Wizard/Super Mario Bros 3

• The Nerd reenacting his first impressions of watching The Wizard on opening day has an amusing highlight or two...
  Nerd: (Fred Savage appears onscreen) Who the hell are you? Go back to The Freaking Wonder Years you piece of shit!
• The Nerd's verdict on Super Mario Bros. 3: "This game kicks your ass till diarrhea comes out your dick. The only thing better than playing this game would be to have a magic leprechaun come and bring you beer."
• More of a chuckle than a LOL moment, but when he mentions the game's inventory system and says, "Time to break out the Frog Suit", he ends up using not on a water level, where it would actually be useful, but the world 6 third fortress, which is full of conveyor belts, stretches, roto-discs, and a Thwomp.
• The bit where small Mario enters a pipe but a Koopa is waiting above standing on the pipe, killing Mario once he exits the pipe.
  Nerd: Bullshit! What a bunch of fucking bullshit!
• Being stuck behind a slow-hopping Koopa.
  Nerd: Come on, you piece of shit... come on, MOVE YOUR ASS!
• "This game's tricky-dicky."
• The Nerd's theory about how Super Mario Bros. 3 is possessed. The way that he starts off really calm and gets more and more panicky as it goes on is priceless.
  Nerd: Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
  Video Armageddon Host: Come up here, my little beauties!!
  Crowd: 6! 6! 6!
  Nerd: Yeah, "Video Armageddon!" The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, "the hills have eyes." Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of ​Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good, it's a sin.
• After he calls upon Super Mecha Death Christ to destroy the game:
  Nerd: Holy shit!
  Super Mecha Death Christ: *shoots the Nerd* WATCH YOUR FUCKIN' LANGUAGE!

NES Accessories

• The Nerd tries using the Power Pad like normal at first (that is, stepping on the buttons on the mat), but quickly gets tired. He says, "Fuck this shit" and drops to the floor, hammering the buttons with his hands.
  Nerd: It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their rooms, and that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear all this thumping and shit; they hated it! Cats and dogs would piss and shit all over it. In fact, just thinking about it, makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.
• He tries the Roll & Rocker without much success. Then he mentions that he's heard you have to weigh less than a hundred pounds to use it.
  "Let's try the cat. Get on there, ya little bastard."
  (The cat stands on the Roll & Rocker and makes it wobble a little, then climbs off and starts sniffing a cable)
  "Cat's like 'Fuck that shit!'"
• ROLLING ROCK ON THE ROLL & ROCKER!!
  • Even better, Rolling Rock's Twitter account referenced this in a tweet showing a bottle of Rolling Rock on the Roll & Rocker.
• To the tune of the Duck Hunt Level 1 opening, Boo the Cat is on top of the TV screen before the Nerd yells at him to jump down. As the cat does, he swats at the flying duck on the TV screen a few times, then the duck flies away as the tune ends with the Dog's laugh, before the Nerd repeatedly shoots at the laughing Dog in anger.
• The Nerd looking for who made the Roll & Rocker and exclaims in a calm voice 'Son of a Bitch' when seeing LJN Toys on the back.
• "I just shot down a duck by saying fuck."
• "FUCK FIRE!"
• The Nerd shouting "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" in general.
• "You gotta use your hands? That's like a baby's toy."
• "YEAH! I'm shooting ducks with a piano!"
• It's still funny even before where he starts trying to hit the notes to get the ducks... only he keeps missing. So eventually he just starts mashing as many keys as he can, resulting in some hilarious Piano "music"
• Even with so much success with the U-Force, he still can't land the plane on Top Gun.
  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!"

Indiana Jones Trilogy

• After getting confused by Raiders of the Lost Ark for Atari 2600:
  Nerd: Wow. how complicated can it be for an Atari game? Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games you can actually beat, where as most of them are just about trying to get a high score. And when I say can be beat, that's hypothetical, because honestly I think it'd be easier to find the real lost Ark. Just the fact that you have to feel around secret passage ways and stuff, it makes you feel like Indiana Jones. (Beat) Well, they got me there.
  • The bug-eyed, open mouth stare that lasts several seconds before the above quote is another priceless Nerd facial expression.
• While playing Temple of Doom for NES, he's confused why Indy keeps descending when he jumps:
  Nerd: The cliffs, the platforms, the conveyor belts, everything's descending as you go down, like you're on the side of a mountain, so whenever you jump, naturally you drop. But you're sorta looking at it from a bird's eye perspective... but no, wait. Are these doors actually just rectangular holes in the ground? Is Indiana Jones walking or is he just crawling? (still shot of the confusing level layout) Or... huh. (tries drawing it himself but gives up) I don't know, I don't have a fucking clue. It's like they couldn't decide if they were making a 3D or a 2D platformer, so what you get is like a hybrid.
  • In the same segment:
    Nerd: Who would want to play this? I'd rather drink buffalo shizz. That's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul, I apologize.
  • Saying that even Einstein would be baffled by how the levels loop endlessly.
• The Nerd is less than impressed with Indy's in-game sprite:
  Nerd: What's up with Indiana Jones? Looks like a Park Ranger and walks like he just dumped ass.
• The whip sends enemies to into a crazy spasm. The Nerd says it should be a dance, then demonstrates the "Whip It" on camera, with some of the funniest sounds and facial expressions he's ever made. It's impossible not to laugh.
• The enemy with the absurdly large life bar and the Nerd's increasingly horrified expression after he holds the whip button down without looking at the screen for ages and then finds it's only gone down two points.
• The scene where AVGN whips an IJ cartridge. Funny not because of the whipping itself, but because an off-camera light goes off and James Rolfe breaks character and says "Oh Shit!", meaning the gag didn't go off as planned.

Star Trek

• This excellent Visual Pun: "You want Genesis? *holds up Sega Genesis* You can have Genesis."
• The nerd pointing out that four of the symbols in the temple are identical to another four symbols.
• The fight between the Nerd and the Klingon is a riot. Doubles as a Genius Bonus as the hokey action and cheesy fight moves, highlighted by the Nerd bouncing off a wall to drop an elbow, perfectly re-create the absurd fights of the Original Series. The battle music is also authentic from that series as well.
• After deciding the game should be spared from his phaser, a Metron appears and praises the Nerd for showing mercy. Naturally, the Nerd kills the Metron.
  Nerd: Mercy this motherfucker!

Superman

• When playing Superman for Atari 2600, he expresses confusion over the game's layout:
  Nerd: The navigation is dreadful. If you fly up, you just see more buildings and that makes sense, right? On the top of the buildings are more buildings and it just keeps on going. There never seems to be any boundaries, everything just repeats.
• AVGN's outrage-fuelled rant over Superman having to buy a subway ticket.
• The Nerd saying that none of the NPCs have anything interesting to say...right as one says "Hi, Superman!" to Clark Kent.
• He later goes into another rant over the stock market playing such a big role in the story of a children's Superman game. It practically reaches Overly Long Gag status, especially with how every time he says "stock," a bunch of stock images pop up on the screen.
  AVGN: Wait a minute, "Stock market panic"? "Stock prices fall"? What, are we talking about STOCKS now? "Find out why stock prices have fallen. You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh, my God. Do you remember being a kid? You remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books, video games, uh...the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fuckin' STOCK MARKET? Just—j-just—w-wh-WHY? Why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics?! You just don't do that! It's like, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! STOCKS?!?!? I just can't—I just...I—buh—*raspberry*—ugh, God, I just... What a shitload of fuck.
• At one point, he imitates the in-game music during a boss fight, which just sounds as funny as you imagine it.
• This bit:
  Nerd: (reading a NPC text) "Haven't you seen the movie Superman?" Yeah, I did, actually, and it's nothing like this garbage!
• The Nerd being gobsmacked by the Statue of Liberty not only looking overly "cute" compared to real life but also the fact that in this games universe it can talk to Superman!

Superman 64

• The beginning of the review, where the AVGN finally delivers the review everyone wants to see: "Superman...on the Commodore 64''.
  • "[...]It's actually better than the Nintendo version... but that's not saying much. That's like saying the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before."
• When the Nerd says that he will finally play the N64 version.
  Nerd: Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it, just for you. Cause I like you a lot! Now don't take that too serious!
• When the Nerd first turns on Superman 64:
  Nerd: First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. "Tittus"? What the fuck is that?
• When Supes gets trapped under a bridge due to a collision detection glitch: "Looks like Superman's stroking his super dick."
• Later, the nerd is on the ground, making Superman doing punches: "What's with the punching? Do I actually get to punch people in this shitload of fuck of a game? I guess I'll never find out, but why're these punches so awkward?! HULGH! HULGH!"
• When the Nerd accidentally gets Superman to do a handstand:
  Nerd: Now what's he doing? Exercises? This is so ridiculous. This game isn't just bad, it's really bad! I'm not even kiddin' around! It's fuckin' horseshit!
• Before the above moment, the Nerd gets stuck again, this time on a wall.
  Nerd: Oh look how much room, look how much room! HOW CAN I BE STUCK WHEN THERE'S SO MUCH ROOOOOOM?!
• The moment when the Nerd picks up a car with Superman but briefly gets the car stuck on the ground.
  Nerd: GET OFF! GET OFF!!!
• When the Nerd gets through the rings only to immediately fail at the second objective. He is forced to redo the ring level.
  Nerd: WHAT? I don't even get to try again? I'm back at the fucking rings again? I can't believe I'm playing a Superman game where all you do is fly through rings!
• In the end, the nerd flies into space and throws the N64 cartridge into the sun.

Batman

• The punishment of choice he dishes out to the games is hysterical because it's so ridiculously tame and anti-climactic.
  Nerd: Anyways, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman Punishment *Holds the game very close to his face* I'm Batmaaaaaaaaan. *Casually tosses it to the ground.*
• His attempts to use the grappling hook in Batman Forever. His anger is escalating to the level of rabies.
  Nerd: Fuck! Shit! Get up there! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! You'd think to shoot up, you'd just press up, but *no*! It jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck, until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: to shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press Select slightly before you press jump; if you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! That's a good reason why the jump button should NOT BE UP! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKING BUTTONS?! HAVING THE FUCKING "UP" BUTTON TO JUMP IS FUCKING FUCKED UP! If THIS [up] aimed your grappling hook and THIS [B button] jumped, then it would be fine. But no! They gotta be the same button!
• "Ooh, look at that: Chainsaw to the dick."
• The rant he delivers at the end of part one is pure gold:
  Nerd: THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, NOT A BASIC MOVE THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO PLAY THE GAME! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, ridiculous fashion?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?!? Instead they have to, like, program it like all into, like, weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit!? It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump!? Select for the grappling hook!? Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus or something, I mean, geez! Like, were they trying to just ruin this game - just, flat out just fuck it up?! Well they did! BATMAN FOREVER! IT SUCKED BACK THEN, AND IT SUCKS FOREVER!
• "Will the Bat-Nerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have in store? Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel."
• "HOLY BAT-SHIT!"
• Him and Luigi kicking ass in the opening of the second part. That is all.
• Mike Matei as The Joker.
  (Joker won't stop laughing annoyingly)
  AVGN: Shut up!
  Joker: *briefly angry* Fuck you, motherfucker!
  (Joker resumes laughing)
  • The Joker grinning and slowly leaning forward in anticipation of the Nerd losing a life; sure enough, he does, and shouts "FUCK!", and The Joker simultaneously starts laughing.
• "I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass!" It ends with James having slightly more trouble jamming Batman on Commodore in.
  • Made funnier as this is a Brick Joke with some of those bad games suddenly disappearing the first video after he gives them the Batman Punishment mentioned above.
• James Rolfe is probably the first person in history to say that a game is "triceratops testicles".
• James Rolfe is also probably the first person in history to say that a games controls are like "trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle".

Deadly Towers

• When he gets frustrated at a enemy that looks like a blue marble.
  "What the fuck are sprites from Marble Madness doing in this game?"
• "You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?"
  • "Ludder" apparently means whore in Danish and Norwegian.
• "Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game. (....) It makes nails on a chalkboard sound like fuckin' Mozart!"
• "The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets."
• This line, which is delivered as if even he is shocked by it, since he quiets and slows his voice as he's saying it:
  AVGN: This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!
• The part where he swears in German.
  AVGN: DAS SPIEL IST SCHEIßE! DIESES SPIEL FICKT DICH HÄRTER ALS DAS LEBEN!^Translation "This game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!"
  AVGN: Well, I gave that a try...
• At the end, he goes into a tirade of scatological metaphors that simply have to be heard to be believed, and all of which were written by James Rolfe's fans.
  Nerd: This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!
• "Fuck this game! No, better yet, don't fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's un-fuck-worthy!"

Battletoads

• The Nerd begins the review as normal while Kyle, rather than disappearing behind the couch, has a seat next to him. As soon as the Nerd notices him, he stops abruptly and asks "Who the fuck are you?"
• Kyle's excellent delivery of the nonsensical line "There are no other couches to go behind!"
• Kyle tries to join in, despite the Nerd's insistence he can't:
  Nerd: (as P1 and P2 descend on the stage) Wait...how'd you do that?
  Kyle: ...I pressed start.
  Nerd: Ohhhhh! It's arcade style!
• Upon seeing the names of the toads, Rash, Pimple, and Zitz:
  Nerd: Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, and Gonorrhea?
• Combining both a Moment of Awesome and a Funny Moment together in one scene, James and Kyle just start groovin' out to the techno music during the Pause screen.
• When Kyle is hit during the first boss battle:
  Nerd: Dumbass.
• When Kyle gets game over:
  Nerd: What? You gotta be fucking kidding me. You died, but we both have to restart the level!
  Kyle: (deadpan) Sorry.
• Kyle being mostly nonchalant over the game's flawed programming. He doesn't actually lose his temper until at the end.
• The review ends with:
  Kyle: (singing) He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...
  Nerd: You bet your AAAAAASSSSSS'!!!
• In one of the outtakes after the video, Kyle successfully makes James laugh twice. Once, after he said "There are no other couches to GO behind!", and the other when he declares that he's going back behind the couch.
  James: Good, go bunker yourself- Fuck!
• In a series of outtakes where James shouts “and we shouldn’t have to stand for it!”, his voice cracks every time he says “stand”.

Dick Tracy

• Dick Tracy, Dick Tracy, Dick this and Dick that!
  Nerd: My father was like, "Can't you just call him "Richard Tracy"?" And I was like, "You know, how is "Dick" short for Richard?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says "Dickard"!
• Subverting the audience's expectation that he might dress up as him, only for the Nerd to tell us that he already did that on Halloween as a kid.
• A Call-Back to his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles review: "Stupid banana raincoat-wearin' Dick."
• When he figures out that you are supposed to beat the entire level without dying once.
  AVGN: You gotta be fucking kidding me! That's ridiculous! Like, WHAT!?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues and then the last one to arrest "Numbers." ALL WITHOUT DYING ONCE!!! THAT'S WHORESHIT!!! And I didn't say "horse shit" I said "whore shit" like a whore taking a shit! You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fucking Friday, you did all your homework and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it. This was your whole weekend, that one game, you didn't have anything else to do! So you had no choice but to keep playing that first part of the game over and over and over again! And it's like, "YOU KNOW WHAT" it's like I wanna see the rest of the game! YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKING WIN LIKE THAT! So, THAT'S why you don't give up. *Drinks beer.*
• AVGN just losing his shit about the snipers is pretty golden.
  AVGN: You know, with some practice I can get by the fighting parts without getting hit once. BUT THE PROBLEM...IS THE FUCKING SNIPERS!!! I CAN'T STOP GETTING HIT!
• "This is the reason Game Genie was invented! I've been playing this game for twenty fucking years and I still can't get past the first stage! So why am I still trying? I dunno, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. "A sucker for dick"? That didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name! They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they slapped the name Dick Tracy on it just like slapping their own greedy dicks. Well if this game is dick, then we were the balls!"
• At the end of the review, he goes absolutely batshit like we've never seen him before. Sure he gets really angry at games often but this one cannot fail to take people aback at his pure psychopathic RAGE.
  AVGN: And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I kind of liked the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective! But one guy? NO CONTINUES?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues! WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!! *He drinks madly, slopping it down himself, SCREAMS into a cushion and unleashes a fuck-stream like no other* Then his expression at the screwdriver bit.
  • One viewer's comment? "I'll bet his throat was pretty sore after that one."
  • When he yells "WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES", he ends up screaming so close to the camera that the lighting and mic fails to pick him up. It's a hilarious case of Throw It In!, and also makes his rage more outright genuine.

Dracula

• While playing The Count on the VIC-20, being surprised that one of his text commands gave a unique response: "Eat pillow." "Yuck!" "Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect THAT!"
  • "What shall I do now?" "Go east again." "Use one or two words only." "Oh, okay, I'll give you two words: Fuck you." "Don't know how to 'FUCK' something." *Cue stunned silence and facepalm*
• When playing Drac's Night Out, he notes how one of the power-ups is sneakers, and holds up some Reebok Pumps:
  Nerd: That's what I call a power-up, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps. You ain't shit without it. Pump it up, and air it out.
• (when finishing The Count's Countdown) "Why am I playing this?"
• (when playing Dracula: Crazy Vampire) "What's Dracula's deal? He's got a big head, and his face, he's like, 'Duuhhhhhhh!!!!'"
  • And his noticing how that game's title screen music sounds like The Phantom of the Opera...which sounds like Pink Floyd.
• "'The police harass you, birds and animals are unfriendly, and you're allergic to the sun? Well, my man, I'd say you have some grave problems!' Who would call Dracula 'My man'?"
• While playing Bram Stoker's Dracula for SNES, his character is stabbed by a bunch of ceiling/floor spikes. The Nerd responds: "Aw F! I mean, "fuck"!"
  • While reading the credits for the SNES Bram Stoker's Dracula game, the Nerd sees the name Fred Fuchs...
    Nerd: Wait, who's this? Fred Fudges..Fred Fuchs?? Fred Fuchs?! Fred Fuchs! Oh my god, Fred Fuchs! Oh my God, it's Fred Fuchs! Ohhhohoho, Fred Fuchs!
• While playing the Sega CD Dracula:
  (Jonathan Harker dies in the game, cut to FMV of him screaming, complete with poor audio quality.)
  Nerd: "Grrrrrr!!!" What the hell. Is that clip even from the movie?! I dunno, maybe it's from Bill and Ted.
  (Clip of Harker screaming again)
• The Nerd taking a bite out of the flying bat.
• "I'm so sick of it all... morning sun, vanquish me!" (pulls open the shades and groans)

Frankenstein

• Upon turning on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein for the SNES, The Nerd notes that the Frankenstein's monster sprite looks like Uncle Fester.
  • After getting frustrated, the Franken-Nerd bellows "GAME NO GOOD!" then makes the "jerk-off" motion with his hand and flips the Nerd off.
• When he places sunglasses on the Franken-Nerd monster, and the monster starts slowly bopping his head in tune to the game music.
• "It's my duty, heh, Doody, to play it for myself and explain why this game sucks!
• Discussing the lack of suspense in Frankenstein: The Monster Returns:
  Nerd: Doesn't it seem cheap that right after he tells us about a certain monster, they appear? It doesn't build up any mystery. Remember the first Zelda game, you knew that you had to fight Ganon, the instruction manual talked about him, characters in the game talked about him. But, at the time, nobody knew what Ganon looked like. It created all this suspense. But imagine if they never talked about him, 'til right before you walked into the room. It's like, "Oh, there's this monster you gotta fight- oh, there's the monster, fight him!"
• Nerd: Then you fight Dark Warrior. Oooooh, scary name. How about Death Guy? Or Mr. Kill?
• When discussing the final stage in Frankenstein: The Monster Returns:
  Nerd: This place is all fucked up! There's all these weird faces in the background, where are you supposed to be? Inside Satan's asshole? (a giant turd pushes across the screen while the Nerd makes a flatulence noise with his mouth)
  • And when he fights the level boss:
    Nerd: Then you fight Dracula. Yeah, Dracula's in this game. His arm looks all cockeyed, looks like a dick, like his hand is a dickhead. Heh, dickhead.
• Unable to get past the vine section with its poor collision detection, the Nerd resorts to using Game Genie. Unfortunately, the Codes are inexplicably useless and even make the game harder.
  • Almost Unlimited Energy
  • Invincibility After Losing First Life: May cause the game to freeze
  • Start With No Continues
  • Can Not Collect Extra Energy
  • One Hit Is Fatal

Understandably confused and upset, the Nerd has a code suggestion of his own:

• Start the game dead: PHUCKEWE
  • The Nerd is bothered by the Game Genie's codes and decides to opt for Invincibility, which he only wanted to get past the bullshit section that was the vines, only to find out, the code doesn't work:
  Nerd: So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell ya, when Game Genie doesn't help, you KNOW you're fucked. (Throws Game Genie away)
• At the climax the Nerd is immeasurably pissed off with the game's nonsense (and the Game Genie failing him). A bolt of lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd, reviving him and he starts attacking the Nerd again, while he's fighting Super Frankenstein final boss. But Nerd is now so thoroughly ticked off with the final level he doesn't even care as his creation tries to strangle him, both struggling on the floor, until lightning strikes the NES, blowing them both up.
  Nerd: Come on! C'mon! C'mon, you fuckin' Fuckenstein!

CD-i Games

• The Cold Open to the Hotel Mario review, where he presents a Donkey Kong doll:
  Nerd: This is one of the original stuffed Donkey Kongs from the early 1980s. Why does he have to have his hands like this? (one hand is shaped like an "O" while the other hand has a pointed finger, which can be stuck into the "O" hand) Like, what's he trying to tell us? And look at his face, he knows it's funny. It's like: "Hey! Hey, you, you! Fuck you!"
• The CD-i's front controller port is either broken or intended for the second player; instead, the Nerd has to use the secondary port, which is placed on the back. As such, every time he wants to swap controllers, he has to pull the whole console out of the entertainment center. The Nerd mutters angrily while doing so, including saying, "Fuckin' inhumanity of man."
• Mentioning that Hotel Mario was a donation from a fan.
  Nerd: Thanks, Casey. You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.
• Being creeped out by the characters in Zelda: Wand of Gamelon:
  Nerd: And why is everybody so twisted and scary?
  Woman: Isn't it lovely? (getting closer to the camera while looking demented) Bring some fairy dust, and I'll make it a magic cloak!
  Nerd: (holds up hands and pulls back) Whoa, whoa.
• The Running Gag of accidentally talking to non-playable characters when he didn't mean to.
  "Oh my..." "Oh my..."
  "Lamp oil, rope..." "Lamp oil, rope..."
  "Through the eye of Glutko... Through the eye of Glutko..."
• His breakdown after viewing a screwed up cutscene from Wand of Gamelon:
  Hectan: You've killed me!
  Zelda: Good.
  Nerd: [Beat, then starts laughing hysterically] Hehehehe! Good! Hehehehe! You've killed me! Good! Hehehehe! [flips off both middle fingers, and releases a Cluster F-Bomb while clucking like a chicken]
• When seeing Ganon:
  Ganon: You dare bring light into my lair? You must die!
  Nerd: He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass.
• The end of part 2:
  Nerd: Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a "mixed bag." But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!
• The Cold Open to part 3:
  Omfak: Whatever I see... (shoots down a bird and blows flames on it) I shall devour. (head turns into a giant pair of lips, and he eats the cooked bird) Mmmm!
  (The Nerd can't believe what he's seeing)
• During the tutorial in Link: The Faces of Evil:
  Link: Move the controller down, and I crouch. When I'm crouching, you can make me do the duck walk! Cool, huh? (The Nerd, not amused, rubs his chin and gives the game the Death Glare)
• "Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass."
  Link: Wow!
• While playing Link: The Faces of Evil: "It's time to start dropping some F-Bombs!"
• After beating Link: The Faces of Evil:
  Link: I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
  Nerd: Nothing short of poetry.
• While playing Zelda's Adventure, he is annoyed by the load times when Zelda merely travels from one screen to another:
  Nerd: That's when you grab your beer. (when Zelda goes to another screen, the Nerd takes a drink and sets the beer down right as he's able to play again)
• His closing comments:
  AVGN: How could they fuck up Zelda this bad? It's not a Zelda game, I wouldn't call it that. Oh, but it is, it has Zelda in it, it has Link, yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad says, "I fucked your mom." It's like- like, I can't argue with that! You know, playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan! [piles up all three Zelda CD-i games] Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! [tosses one CD with a crash] FUCKING SUCKS! [tosses another CD with a crash] FUCKING SUCKS! [tosses a third CD with a crash] Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! [tosses the CD with a fourth crash] CD-i SUCKS!
  [cue The Legend of Zelda theme in farting noises]

Bible Games II

• The Santa Claus is Coming to Town intro is used again. When Kyle sings "He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice" the Nerd, who was looking for a game in his collection, looks at the camera and throws his hands up in confusion at the non-sequitur. The look on his face really sells it.
• The Nerd sums up the quality of the games:
  Nerd: If I was God, I'd be pissed.
• "Kill all babies. Kill all babies? I'm playing an NES game that says 'Kill all babies'?"
• Mike's cover art is a happy scene with flowers and insects, Jesus smiling with a hammer and a screaming Nerd nailed to the cross. That's so wrong it's funny.
• The Nerd always growling and cussing through the whole Sunday Funday video game, especially when the skateboarder is forced to jump off a ledge after the Nerd realizes he forgot the balloon and can't go back for it; and when he keeps dying on the whole springs ordeal in the sewers.
  • Him questioning why it's so difficult for the main character in Sunday Funday to get to Sunday school.
    AVGN: "Who are these raging atheists who don't want you to go to church?"
  • Also, when the Nerd realizes that "The Ride" is actually a sing-along to the (digitized) 4Him song rather than the "playable" game.
    AVGN: "What? It's karaoke? Oh, please."
• This:
  Nerd: It's time to wrap things up. I got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel! Time to flick the shit switch! Turn up the diarrhea dial! It's Bible games on CD-i! Yeah!! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!
• The monotone voice on an Anubis statue: "I'm. An. Idol. Worshiped. By. Many. There's. Someone. Downstairs. Who. Worships. Me." The Nerd comments: "The voices are the fuckest bologna shit you'd ever hear. (...) What is it, a robot?!"
• When playing the Moses the Exodus mini-game "Connect the Dots", he notes how no matter if you connect the dots or not, you get an irritating voice.
  Voice: Yippee! Yippee! Yippee! Whoops... Yippee! Yippee! Yippee! Whoops...
  Nerd: Is that really necessary? Like, what are they, fucking crazy?!
• Upon finding out that one of the Bible games has a minigame called "Riddler's Race", the Nerd briefly wonders if The Riddler himself was in the Bible.
• This episode debuted on Game Trailers on December 23, 2008. When discussing the unlicensed, odd looking Color Dreams cartridges in his collection, he offhandedly mentions that he might review Raid 2020 in the year 2020. As 2020 grew closer, he was inundated with requests to fulfill that "maybe" which he does to his dismay, lamenting having to review such a bad game due to a throwaway comment he made over a decade ago.
• "So, have a happy holidays, and all that good shit."
• While discussing Menace Beach, a standard platformer that was converted into the bible themed Sunday Funday, the Nerd brings up that inbetween levels, a graphic of the protagonist’s girlfriend appears, gradually losing more and more clothes as the game progresses.
  Nerd: But the funny thing is that it’s a strangely effective way to get you to play the game because just for curiosity sake, it makes you wonder: How much of her clothes are going to come off? It’s like “Hey, we got this horrible shitty game but there’s a girl taking her clothes off so you gotta keep playing”. How did this turn into a Bible game?!

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

• "I think Dave Chappelle said it best: "He made... Thriller. (opens album cover) Thriller."
• When the Nerd states that the goal of the game is for Michael to rescue kids, there's an awkward pause before he begins speaking: "...Now I know what we're all thinking. But really, that's all it is: You're just rescuing the kids."
• His reaction to learning that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.
  Nerd: WHY?! Why would they put that in the game?! How could they put that in the game?!
• At the end of the video, him hulking out and turning into Death Kitty, after which he simply walks away in a badass way, all in an amusingly cheesy recreation of the infamous finale of the "Black or White" music video (complete with haphazardly-inserted "CDi Rulez" graffiti).

Milon's Secret Castle

• The tone of this episode is set before the theme song. The Nerd exits the castle and is killed by a lightning bolt. The Nerd can only offer a defeated "Fuck".
• After the theme song, the tone is made even clearer by the first words of the review:
  Nerd: I fuckin' hate this game!
• "If you don't know who Milon is, well, he's the guy from....Milon's Secret Castle".
• When the Nerd gets stuck, he reaches for the Power... Nintendo Power:
  Nerd: It's like: "You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta buy our magazine, you dumb little shits!"
• When he sees that the Nintendo Power tip/cheat for the game is just...how to play it.
  "The basic rules for this game require Nintendo Power! That is some fuck!"
• "Now, I'm really losing my patience. This princess can go fuck herself."
• "Milon's Secret Castle? More like Milon's Shitty Asshole!"
• The Nerd never calls attention to it, but it's amusing how the game box has a tag mentioning how over 3/4 million^note (750,000) copies were sold in Japan.

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