His complaining about the box that pops up during the day-to-night transitions.
After ranting about Simon's Super Drowning Skills, he tries to take a shortcut in one of the villages and ends up falling into a pit of water.
"But oops! I shouldn't do that. There might be water down there."
The dreaded water comes back when he tries to grind for hearts, which are taken away if all of his lives are lost.
"Oh look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp; now let me get to the store." (Nighttime) "Oh shit! It's fucking nighttime! Now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts." (He jumps off a village platform, into a water canal) "Oh shit!Now I gotta start all over again!"
AVGN: Cowabunga...COWA-FUCKING-PIECE-OF-DOG-SHIT! This game is diarrhea coming out of my dick. This game is as appealing as a fucking ooze-infested dirty fucking sewer rat shit. I've had more fun playing with dog turds. Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls. This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter. I'd rather fucking yank all the hairs out of my scrotum. I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of buffalo's anus. It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it's a piece of shit...and I don't like it.
Near the end, he attempts to land the plane one last time. The entire sequence is silent, save for the white noise of the video game sound effects. Then as the plane gets closer and closer to the carrier, it cuts back to his excited face, but right at the last second, it crashes into the water. Then...
AVGN (in early periodJersey accent): "I guess they were trying to make this one 'realistic'. Like, if in real life, if you went out onto the streets to fight this many people at the same time, you'd get your ass handed to ya. And if you die once, that's it, you're brown bread. You're not comin' back. You can't fuck around with this game."
The dark game over screen prompts AVGN to come up with an idea for the theoretical sequel's game over screen. The results? This:
You're dead. Your friends are dead. Your family's dead. Your fucking pets are being skinned alive. Your mom's a fucking whore. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're going to hell. Deal with it. Game Over.
The way he rips on the game in Sarcasm Mode, trying desperately to spin all the game's faults into perks in order to keep Jason off his back. And when he finally snaps and gives his earnest opinion on it, only to be caught by Jason and put in a chokehold, forced to apologize.
AVGN: I was just kidding! I was just kidding! I swear... I swear to God I was just kidding! I was just kidding! It's not a shitload of fuck! It's not... a shitload of fuck."
In an underrated moment, when the Nerd is trying to open the door, we see him undo the lock on the doorknob, then the lock above it. He then starts to open it...when it turns out there's still a latch on the door.
His funniest moment has to be when he picks up his copy of Castlevania II: Simon's Quest- his first game review. If you saw it, you're well aware he really hates the shit out of that game and wouldn't dare play it again. So what does he do?
Nerd: (Holding the cartridge with a menacing Death Glare) Castlevania II: Simon's Quest... There's only one way to play this with the Power Glove... (PUNCH!)
Even the title card for this episode is hilarious, where the Nerd punches himself in the face with the glove.
AVGN:[both the lion and the squirrel get knocked out] What? What happened? Did you see that? That lion just fell flat on his ass! And, he fell at the same time as the squirrel. So, who knocked them both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see the squirrel throw an acorn. It clobbers the lion. BAM! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws another acorn, which comes right back down, and BAM! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb shit.
The weird sound effects that a sheep makes, which the Nerd mimics.
AVGN:[trying to catch sheep] Come on, you damn sheep. I'm not gonna hurt you. Sheepy, sheepy! [in higher-pitched tone] Sheepy, sheepy, sheepy! [in normal voice] Fuck this! I feel like a stupid asshole going after all these sheep for no reason.
AVGN: The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird shit. One minute, it's sleeping, then it runs up and over the tree, and— [sees a squirrel climb up the sky because of some glitches] Oh my God! Look at that! It's a flying squirrel. Or, it's like climbing the sky! [squirrel vanishes] Where'd it go? [David jumps, and the squirrel reappears before it disappears again, for good this time] Oh, there it is! Wow. They were on drugs when they made this game.
Also, in Bible Buffet:
AVGN: It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But, I also suppose it's rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari that's all about food trying to kill you. Yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer. And, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou Shalt Not Kill"? Please, somebody tell me. What the hell am I playing? I kinda like it, but I gotta turn it off before I go insane.
When the Nerd plays "Flight to Egypt" for three seconds:
He's playing some games, the worst he recalls. He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here! Oh, he's making a list, and checking it twice, He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here! He hates the games that stink; He knows which games to break. He just might even hate them all, 'Cause he's mad for fuckin' sake! You'd better watch out, don't give these games a try; You'd better not play 'em, he's telling you why. The Angry Video Game Nerd is here!
(When giving information about Ghostbuster toys) "Then we have all these weird ones that I don't even remember from the show. (holding up figure of Belle) This one I don't think-oh wait, that's not mine, get that the fuck outta here."
When he prank-calls a hardware store asking for Ghost Vacuums.
Possibly made even funnier by the realization that the hardware store employee sounds suspiciously like Kyle Justin...
The extremely long Game Over screen for the Master System version.
AVGN: The game is over. Try again from the start. Oh, really? I thought I could try again from the middle.
The Nerd gives an analogy when he says that Ghostbusters II on NES is better than the first game:
Nerd: That's interesting, because the second movie is definitely inferior to the first one. So I guess the formula goes like this: A good movie equals a shitty fucking game. (slams it down) But, a not-so-good movie equals a game... that's not as shitty.
The Nerd's recitation of the "end of the world/dogs and cats living together" monologue from the first Ghostbusters movie, in response to actually liking the Genesis Ghostbusters video game.
Nerd: But don't worry. I'll find something about it that sucks.
His rant about Ghostbusters 3 not existing:
Nerd: Well, if they made Santa Clause III, Free Willy III, Home Alone III, Psycho III, The Neverending Story III, Problem Child III, and about 10,000 Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fucking ass, I don't see why Ghostbusters III shouldn't be made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sitting around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.
Kyle Justin as Spider-Man.
Spider-Man's reaction to the Atari 2600 Spider-Man game: "THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!"
When Spider-Man is embarrassed that the Gameboy Advance game showcased a level where he delivered pizzas in costume:
Spider-Man: But for them to put that in the game, it's insulting, and it's- Nerd: Yeah, I agree. Spider-Man: I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man. Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day. Spider-Man: I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fucking ass!
He shoots webs from his wrist, but now Spider-Man's fucking pissed.
Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd
Rather suck on a frozen turd.
Or eat some crap, from a moose.
Gonna chug down some poopie juice.
These games are such a great big fuck-up,
They make you want to throw up,
All over Spider-Man.
The part where the Nerd asks why 'The Super-Bomb' looks different from the other bombs in the game. Spidey's response? "It's fuckin' Spider-Man!"
The Nerd opens by spoofing the original Sega CD commercial, then follows it up with mock excitement:
AVGN: Wow! It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics—full motion video (as opposed to video that isn't full motion)! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is [shifts from happy to serious] total fucking gar-bitch!
"I don't know one person who had a Sega CD. And why is that? BECAUSE IT FUCKIN' SU — CAUSE-IT-FUCK — CAUSE—IT—FUCK — CAUSE——IT——FUCKIN'——SUCKS."
"Did they really need all this bullshit [the 32X and the Sega CD] leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking, 'Oh please, God, take this shit off me.' It's like getting gang-raped: Both of its slots are gettin' fucked at the same time."
His comparisons of the music of the 32X version of Doom (bad) to the music of the SNES version (good) are priceless.
The introductory line: "Silver Surfer... Silver Shit!"
During the review, AVGN stops the footage to draw thick red lines over the screen showing where the player is very much unsafe. Naturally, they take up the majority of the area. One particular diagram shows a tight row of vertical lines protruding from an array of turrets that is quickly replaced by "DEAD" in big letters filling the zone in quesiton.
The climax of the episode:
"It's like, you touch the top of the building, you die. You touch the ceiling, you die. You touch the floor, you die. Too far to the right, you die. Too far to the left, you die. You die, you die, you die. Diediediediediediediediediediediediedie DIE!"
*cue the Nerd mimicking Silver Surfer's defeated pose* "Oh God, I can't fucking stand it..."
AVGN: "And officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me, then the police car blows up, I'm like 'Well, what does this have to do with anything?', then Steve Urkel comes on and I'm like, 'What the fuck?!'"
It's particularly funny for the Actor Allusion, since Reginald VelJohnson plays Al Powell in the Die Hard series and Carl Winslow in Family Matters, explaining the subsequent Urkel pop-up.
"There's guys coming out of every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass..." which is immediately followed by an enemy sprite coming out of McClane's ass.
The funniest thing is how calmly he says:
AVGN: To describe this game's assness, all I can say is: It's very ass.
AVGN: The worst thing about this is that is makes me feel really guilty to be playing it, like, I should be doing something better with my time. Like roll a dog turd in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta- I gotta go out somewhere and do something wild! Like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!
After the ending screen shows that the Looney Tunes characters showed up to Bug's party, which said they originally played funny tricks, AVGN decides to show the huge Bugs doll a "funny trick" and beats him up.
AVGN Fester: GODDAMN! AVGN Wednesday: This game had better stop SUCKING ASS or else I'm going to have give it the Finger. The middle finger. [flips the bird]
AVGN ends the Sega Genesis review of The Addams Family with "This game is ASS!", with the letter "A" item and the two "$" collectibles forming the word "A$$". This is followed by a theme song parody by Kyle Justin (dressed up as Cousin Itt):
It's crappy and it's kooky, A stupid piece of poopy. I'd rather eat my dookie; It makes me wanna pee. Sucking some ass. (FUCK!) Sucking some balls. (FUCK!!) Sucking some balls, Sucking some balls, Sucking some ass. (FUCK!!!) It makes me wanna see a Assload of diarrhea. It's worse than gonorrhea. I'm gonna take that pee!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The chainsaw family kidnapping the Nerd and forcing him to play the game.
Chainsaw mask getting stuck behind a bike much like in the game.
The Nerd runs into two trick-or-treaters, takes their bag, and defecates into it.
AVGN: It's not chocolate, nor is it poop, it's shit!
his meltdown after realizing there are no continues:
AVGN:(pulls out and drinks from a flask) Oh man. Man, fuck that. You think I'm going to put myself through that again?! Goddammit, man! Man, fuck his game! Jesus Christ! I'd rather fucking 69 a Grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waist! Man, fuck this game, fuck it to hell, fuck it to oblivion, fuck it to DAMNATION OF MANKIND! (walks towards his apartment door which somehow closes on its own, smacks into it and turns in to a Skeleton a la the game's death animation)''
An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol
After playing Home Alone 2:
Nerd: Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal, you miserable fucking cunt, you piece of shit! Shitty games, all my life! Shitty fucking games! I hate shitty fucking games! And I hate shitty fucking Christmas, 'cause shitty fucking Christmas means more shitty fucking games! Humbug! Bah! Fuck it to humbug to hell!
This little moment from the NES game's post-game segment:
AVGN: There's Murdock, the bastard. You get out your machine gun, you shoot him and he... turns into a frog. (does a Glasses Pull and stares at the TV in disbelief) Yeaaahhh... you shoot Chinese letters, and he turns into... a frog. Just what I expected. (pulls out a hip flask and chugs down some booze)
When playing Rambo III on Master System, and remarking that the lightgun doesn't work:
Nerd: It kinda works... I guess you just have to wave it around. Like Rambo. Rambo never shoots straight. (shows Rambo film clips proving this)
To the tune of the Duck Hunt Level 1 opening, Boo the Cat is on top of the TV screen before the Nerd yells at him to jump down. As the cat does, he swats at the flying duck on the TV screen a few times, then the duck flies away as the tune ends with the Dog's laugh, before the Nerd repeatedly shoots at the laughing Dog in anger.
The Nerd looking for who made the Roll & Rocker and exclaims in a clam voice 'Son of a Bitch' when seeing LJN Toys on the back.
The scene where AVGN whips an IJ cartridge. Funny not because of the whipping itself, but because an off-camera light goes off and James Rolfe breaks character and says "Oh Shit!", meaning the gag didn't go off as planned.
The enemy with the absurdly large life bar and the Nerd's increasingly horrified expression after he holds the whip button down without looking at the screen for ages and then finds it's only gone down two points.
AVGN's outrage-fuelled rant over Superman having to buy a subway ticket.
He later goes into another rant over the stock market playing such a big role in the story of a children's Superman game. It practically reaches Overly-Long Gag status, especially with how every time he says "stock," a bunch of stock images pop up on the screen.
AVGN: Wait a minute, "Stock market panic"? "Stock prices fall"? What, are we talking about STOCKS now? "Find out why stock prices have fallen. You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh, my God. Do you remember being a kid? You remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books, video games, uh...the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fuckin' STOCK MARKET? Just—j-just—w-wh-WHY? Why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics?! You just don't do that! It's like, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! STOCKS?!?!? I just can't—I just...I—buh—*raspberry*—ugh, God, I just... What a shitload of fuck.
At one point, he imitates the in-game music during a boss fight, which just sounds as funny as you imagine it.
When he attempts to use the grappling hook in Batman Forever:
Nerd: Fuck! Shit! Get up there! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! You'd think to shoot up, you'd just press up, but *no*! It jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck, until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: to shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press Select slightly before you press jump; if you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! That's a good reason why the jump button should NOT BE UP! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKING BUTTONS?! HAVING THE FUCKING "UP" BUTTON TO JUMP IS FUCKING FUCKED UP! If THIS [up] aimed your grappling hook and THIS [B button] jumped, then it would be fine. But no! They gotta be the same button!
The rant he delivers at the end is pure gold:
Nerd: THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, NOT A BASIC MOVE THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO PLAY THE GAME! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, ridiculous fashion?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?!? Instead they have to, like, program it like all into, like, weird kinda crazy button combinations and shit!? It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump!? Select for the grappling hook!? Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus or something, I mean, geez! Like, were they trying to just ruin this game - just, flat out just fuck it up?! Well they did! BATMAN FOREVER! IT SUCKED BACK THEN, AND IT SUCKS FOREVER!
Combining both a Moment Of Awesome and a Funny Moment together in one scene, James and Kyle just start groovin' out to the techno music during the Pause screen.
Kyle tries to join in, despite the Nerd's insistence he can't:
James: (as P1 and P2 descend on the stage) Wait...how'd you do that? Kyle: ...I pressed start. James: Ohhhhh! It's arcade style!
"If this game is dick, then we were the balls!"
At the end of the review, he goes absolutely batshit like we've never seen him before. Sure he gets really angry at games often but this one cannot fail to take people aback at his pure psychopathic RAGE.
AVGN: And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I kind of liked the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective! But one guy? NO CONTINUES?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues! WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?! WHY!!!!!!????? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!! *He drinks madly, slopping it down himself, SCREAMS into a cushion and unleashes a fuck-stream like no other* Then his expression at the screwdriver bit.
One viewer's comment? "I'll bet his throat was pretty sore after that one."
Dick Tracy, Dick Tracy, Dick this and Dick that!
AVGN: My father was like, "Can't you just call him "Richard Tracy"?" And I was like, "You know, how is "Dick" short for Richard?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says "Dickard"!
Subverting the audience's expectation that he might dress up as him, only for the Nerd to tell us that he already did that on Halloween as a kid.
While reading the credits for the SNES game, the Nerd sees the name Fred Fuchs...
Nerd: Wait, who's this? Fred Fudges..Fred Fuchs?? Fred Fuchs?! Fred Fuchs! Oh my god, Fred Fuchs! Oh my God, it's Fred Fuchs! Ohhhohoho, Fred Fuchs!
"Eat pillow." "Yuck!" "Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect THAT!"
"Oh, okay, I'll give you two words: Fuck you." "Don't know how to 'FUCK' something." *Cue stunned silence and facepalm*
Hectan: "You've killed me!" Zelda: "Good." AVGN: [Beat, then starts laughing hysterically] Hehehehe! Good! Hehehehe! You've killed me! Good! Hehehehe! [flips off both middle fingers, and clucks like the Cluster F-Bomb Chicken]
During the tutorial in Link: The Faces of Evil:
Link: Move the controller down, and I crouch. When I'm crouching, you can make me do the duck walk! Cool, huh? (The Nerd, not amused, rubs his chin and gives the game the Death Glare)
His closing comments:
AVGN: "These games are as worthwhile as melting dog shit in a frying pan! [piles up all three Zelda CD-i games] Yeah, you put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game fuckin' sucks, [tosses one CD with a crash] it fuckin' sucks, [tosses another CD with a crash] it fuckin' sucks, [tosses a third CD with a crash] oh, yeah, and the Mario game, that one sucks too! [tosses the CD with a fourth crash] CD-i SUCKS!"
The Nerd always growling and cussing through the whole Sunday Funday video game, especially when the skateboarder is forced to jump off a ledge after the Nerd realizes he forgot the balloon and can't go back for it; and when he keeps dying on the whole springs ordeal in the sewers.
Him questioning why it's so difficult for the main character in Sunday Funday to get to Sunday school.
AVGN: "Who are these raging atheists who don't want you to go to church?"
Also, when the Nerd realizes that "The Ride" is actually a sing-along to the (digitized) 4Him song rather than the "playable" game.
He describes Attack Of The Mutant Penguins as the weirdest game he's ever played.
"I mean it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how'd they come up with this shit?! I got it, I can come up with a game like this, how about...you're a shark, and you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down, and you put the trains in an apple, and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then...the turkeys go up waterfalls, and to get them down you have to collect monkey butts, so you drop the monkey butts on power lines, and then..." [He trails off and mimes his head exploding from the sheer insanity of it all]
The brilliant Brick Joke on the shape of the Jaguar with the Jaguar CD attached. The Nerd states that it looks like a toilet. Then, at the end, he announces "I've gotta take a shit"...and then he nonchalantly opens up the Jaguar CD and takes a dump in it. Best bit? His cat looks at him for a moment all what? Then it bolts.
The Nerd can't review the Jaguar CD because the system doesn't even work. Cue the report from Richard (who created the Nerd's Nintoaster) when he tried (and failed) to fix it.
Aah, yes, the Atari Jaguar CD... What a steaming pile of fucking shit that was... I wanna make sure there's nothing wrong with the console itself first just to rule it out. So I plug in a game, push the power button, the Jaguar logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, and after a particularly hilarious fucking startup sequence, I'm playing Tempest 2000. Woooaaah. So now I know there's nothing wrong with the console itself. Time to move on to the CD unit. So I plug it in, hook up the additional 47 cables that came with it, push the power button, the logo comes careening towards me in the foreground, snarrls, and... The red screen of death, indicating a connection problem. So, the first thing I did was deep clean every single contact point on both the console and the CD unit. I turned it on; red screen. Then I went back and made physical adjustments to every contact point in both the console and CD unit so they'd make a more solid connection. Turned it on; red screen. Finally, I just said "fuck it" and directly wired the two sons-of-a-bitches together, completely bypassing any and all cartridge ports and ruling out the remote chance of there ever being any kind of connection issue between the two systems. I turned it on and, guess what? Red screen! So at this point I pretty much just gave up and shipped everything back to him, along with a Pong machine, which pretty much said "I'm sorry man. This thing is just too shitty to work on." I think, between the flaming-fuck-you-middle-finger-red screens, and getting snarrled at at the same time, this machine has become self-aware and does not want to be repaired. That is my diagnosis, Richard out.
Before that, the AVGN trying to fit the unit in a regular envelope with the most basic postage details ever.
AVGN: I remember one time in school, I had an X-Men coloring book, and the teacher looked over and said, "Hmm. X-Men huh? There's women in there too, aren't there? That's kinda sexist." And I said, "Well, what's wrong with being sexy?" Nah, I didn't really say that.
"Alright I'm back, all refreshed ready to play some more Terminator with all new extra lives. All 6 of them...6? Only 6!? OK, I got to be honest, it's only one digit; I didn't expect more than 9, but why a random number like 6!? That means that some fucked-up masochist actually programmed it that way and made the decision 'Hmmm, well let's see. Anything more than 6, that's too much.' Fucking asshole!"
"What's this say? "Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong?" Are you telling me you're supposed to return King Kong to the Empire State Building?! This blows my mind on so many levels! First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were trying to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong off the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?!! Fourth... the bag. OK, King Kong is, like, 50 feet tall or something, but in this game they made him out to be, like, 1500 feet. How big is he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKING BAG!!! And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a Mario game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kind of paradox here or what?"
The. Entire. Video. His reaction to the upside-down fucking chicken mask is probably the absolute pinnacle of his entire videography.
"Oh, so is he a plumber? Well, the game's called Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber and I don't see him wearing a tie." *screen shows John wearing a tie while holding a plunger* "What the fuck? You can't even trust the damn title!"
His rant at the end of the video.
Nerd: "Yeah, you know what? Give me somethin' different. Give me a different fuckin' game! This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says 'Plays like a game...but feels like a movie!' Well, that's horseshit! It does not play like a game, and it certainly does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and threw all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing 'I'm Too Sexy.'"
Complete with the crazy filtering found in the game's beginning, as well as pictures of random bears including a panda.
Narrator: Well, sport? You think you can handle this choice without getting the lowest score in the history of this game?
AVGN: What, there's somebody else who played this shit?
His rant on the title screen:
AVGN: You can't be serious. It looks like a kindergarten student did this in Microsoft Paint. And listen to the stock music. *music plays* This has to be the worst title screen I've ever seen.
This troper always laughs at this scene:
AVGN: We haven't even gone through the credits, and this game is already a pile of monkey fuck. *car noise plays, then a face-packed aged woman appears* Okay... what's this? *phone rings while screen fades away* What's going on?
John's Mother: It's your mother, now get your ass outta bed! I know you're there, John! John? I said get up, get up, John!
John's Mother: Stop smartmouthing with me, young man! Why is it I haven't seen you with any woman? Why is that, John? Don't you like women anymore? *shocked* John, are you gay?
AVGN: *ridiculed* What?!
The Nerd dubs in the boss's voice when Jane strips for him:
Nerd: (as the boss) Wow, I had no idea she'd actually do it!
Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle
Some of the ways Bugs gets payback for the Nerd's abuse two years before.
James' outtakes for the review, in which he, and everybody around him, simply cannot stop laughing at the lines that he himself wrote. Doubles as a Moment Of Awesome when he finally says the line in one take at the end.
"Alright. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus's butt while its muck spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit: rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it!"
Bonus points for one of James's friends trying to say that line in his British accent.
"Let's play charades. Who am I?" *mimics Harry's walk and bizarre death animation*
Annoyed by the death-trap at the start of the game, the Nerd begins listing ways to make it even worse.
His unstoppable rage and heartfelt "FUCK!!" after he sees how much better the modern Godzilla games are than the ones he grew up with. Cue the Nerd knocking down SNES games Godzilla-style as the scream goes on in the background, swearing up a storm, and inventing a new swear that'sbleeped out.
For those of you interested, here's a video of the aformentioned "new swear word" invention... UNCENSORED.
Nerd: Why couldn't I have those games when I was a kid!? Goddammit, I was born too fucking early! Instead I had to grow up with these miserable pieces of shit-fucking anal jugs! These games suck Baragon's sweaty ball sack! I'd rather get an electric shock from sucking Mechagodzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are SHIT drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid A-hole! And then being swallowed and barfed up by Angarus while I lay on spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass WHILE DESOTOROYAH DUMPS HIS DIABOLICAL DIARRHEA ALL OVER MY FACE! Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck... cunt... fuck... Goddammit! I just said "fuck" from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left, so you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, THESE FUCKING GAMES ARE... SCUNT! Oh yeah! It's that bad!
Nerd: How 'bout the floor? Let's make the floor a death trap too! Okay, that's fine, if you wanna play shit like that, but how in the holy goddamn mother shit fucking Christ of cunt fuck am I supposed to attack the enemy when the fucking floor's falling down! Did the game developers expect you to be some kinda miracle multitasker?!
From the outtakes at the end of the Part 2 video:
Nerd: This game is like playing shit tennis with an orangutan while having a hyena's head up your ass! (Beat) ...Or your head up its ass! And... (cracks up)
After summarizing the extremely weird gameplay mechanics and story elements:
Nerd: The only thing you might be wondering now is, "What on earth does this have to do with the story of Little Red Riding Hood?" Well, I'll tell you: absolutely fucking nothing.
The Nerd's greeting at the beginning:
Nerd: Merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, happy... everybody, happy holidays! And if you have a problem with "Happy holidays," then happy shut-the-fuck-up.
When he comments on the name problems:
"The name entry screen is a disaster. You can't move the cursor up or down. It only goes left and right. Isn't that fun?! Not to mention, they only let you spell four-letter words, which I could think of plenty, but how many names would have less than four letters? If you tried to add a fifth letter, it goes back and replaces the first letter, then you gotta figure out how to start over. When it reaches the last letter, why couldn't it just stop?! The simplest thing to do is to type in all A's, then go left once to get to the end button. Because, why put in a name anyway? It's not like the game is gonna save it. But if it did, I guarantee most of the high scores will belong to 'AAAA.' The point is, how hard is it to program something as simple as a name entry screen? If they can't even get that right, then WOAH! Wait 'til you see the game!"
At the end, the Nerd disposes of the cartridge by doing everything the warning label says not to: shoves it in his oven and freezer, runs water over it, pours alcohol into the component side, smashes it with a hammer, takes it apart, and finally burns it in his fireplace.
"BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURN!"
The Nerd is dumbfounded when he finds out one of the events is called "Hot Dog Aerials". Then he wonders where the title came from and has an Imagine Spot of a Hot Dog flying and then a dog on fire flying over, the Nerd then just shrugs in confusion.
"You get 4 different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this* (A mode in which rather than paddles, the players have walls with holes in them), Reverse Pong? Okay... Oh, now what's this?* (suddenly his game glitches, turning into a mode in which the player on the right has a much longer paddle than the left player)Asshole Pong? That's not fair!"
The Nerd's comment on using the video connector and the box for the Wonder Wizard:
At the end of the video, the Nerd says that using the Power Glove would only make the game much more challenging than it already is... only to inadvertently make subtle movements on his Power Glove hand to defeat the final boss and show the ending, and all while he's saying how good but impossibly hard the game is and how he'll never beat it as long as he lives. He then turns off the TV and walks away...only to run back and switch it on as he realizes he's beaten the game. Can also be considered a Moment Of Awesome.
Some of the descriptions from the first Zelda game, starting with the Like Like.
The Nerd's reaction to the first game's Link burning the second game's Link.
The two scenes where Link turns into a fairy at a high spot (followed by a return appearance from the Glitch Gremlin).
The part where he has a hard time killing a skull.
"I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow!" Cue him trying to beat his shadow on a wall, dislodging a poster and hurting one of his hands.
AVGN: (Link) learns the Down-Thrust, the Up-Thrust, and here, he learns the Cunt-Thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band.
The Nerd's reaction to the Game Over screen:
Ganon: Ha ha ha ha!
AVGN: Huh huh, huh huh, fuck you.
Back to the Future Re-Revisited
After completing Top Gun's final mission, the game forces him to land on the carrier one last time. This time, he says he knows what to do, but given the unforgiving controls during landings, he overshoots the carrier... and his jet keeps going out of the TV screen, up past his wall, and breaks through his glass window to fly outside. The prolonged landing sound effect really sells it.
"Hey, if someone sees that plane, can you let me know?"
The Nerd wanting the M.C. Kids review to have a dance segment with the McDonald's mascots along with Skeletor and Dracula ŕ la the CGI dance segment in the re-release of Return of the Jedi.
"Watch out for the bird shit- wha-wha-wha-WHAT?!! *shows birds pooping* It's definitely shit in a Nintendo game!"
"...Now there's birds shitting into the piss fountain!"
"Oh sorry honey, I had quite a day, just THE WHOLE FUCKING TOWN WAS TRYING TO KILL ME! What makes him think that the Church is gonna be any better? Is the priest gonna throw candles at him? Is Jesus gonna come off the fucking cross and start hitting him with it!?".
He ends the review with an epiphany about the game, logically pointing out its flaws as having actual purpose to it....only to conclude that the game "fucking sucks".
The Nerd's explanation regarding the "Who shot first?" debate: neither did, and Luke Skywalker crashed his landspeeder right into Greedo right after Han Solo said "Over my dead body!"
The Nerd's face when he sees Darth Vader turn into a scorpion in the only Japanese Star Wars game on the Famicom is probably the funniest thing ever.
AVGN: Did Darth Vader say to Luke "I am your father and I am also a fucking scorpion"?
His reaction to the relatively pointless tidbit in the opening moments of Empire Strikes Back NES, where Obi-Wan Kenobi points out "The Lightsaber is the weapon of the Jedi".
"Yeah, thanks for telling me that. While you're at it, why don't you tell me something like 'Cows go MOO?!'"
How about the end? As he's listing off a bunch of Star Wars games (He soon just lists a bunch of made-up names that get more and more bizarre as he goes on), what is most likely one of the funniest Big Lipped Alligator Moments ever. A buffalo walks by his window, backs up, and takes a diarrhea shit that blasts through his window. The Nerd's reaction to it is priceless.
Nerd:OH MY GOD! OH MY GOOOOD! A FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING SHIT THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW! Oh my fucking God! There's fucking shit and glass all over the place! Where the fuck did that fucking come from!?! Oh my God! I gotta clean all this shit up! What the fuck, man?!
His thinking-out-loud speculation of the Death Star being a giant disco ball preceded by a giant dance floor in the middle of space and threatening to bring back disco is pretty darn funny.
R.O.B. the Robot
The Nerd playing Gyromite, with R.O.B. being the human player and the Nerd being the robot.
When R.O.B. says that he requires a gyro to play, The Nerd makes him an actual gyro sandwich.
Him ranting about how in the SNES Jurassic Park game, the designers put a foreground bush in front of an arrow. "THEY COVERED THE ARROW WITH A BUSH! What a total fuck-up."
His closing rant on the 3D0 version of Jurassic Park:
"Jurassic Park on 3D0 is a complete mockery, man! Does it suck? You bet jur ass it sucks! In the words of Ian Malcolm, that is one big pile of shit."
When he's digging through his box and pulls out E.T. for the Atari 2600. He throws it on the ground with a horrified expression on his face, and shudders.
When reviewing the Jaws NES game, he parodies a line from the film:
Nerd: We're gonna need a bigger ass, to shit out this fucking turd!
The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd Episode
When playing the Barbie game for the NES, AVGN sees so much balls in the game that he thinks the real meaning of this game was that Barbie was obsessed with Ken's balls.
At the end, the Nerd throws the cartridge over his shoulder, and it lands in the garbage. When he hears it, he looks back and then at the camera in surprise, as if James himself didn't actually intend for it to land there.
After it seems as if the Nerd destroys both copies of the real Nintendo World Championships because he realized it's just a truncated collection of NES games, the credits show the real copies, revealing that fake games were used as "stand-ins."
right when he smashes the "gold" cartridge, a battery pops out, revealing it was actually a Legend of Zelda Cartridge.
In Adam and Eve, he finds that the game is not the same as the Biblical story of Adam and Eve, but is instead about people floating in balloons fighting worms and eating the supposed "forbidden fruits" called apples! "What were they thinking?!"
When he revisits Flight to Egypt, he picks up one trivia question scroll that has a fill-in-the-blank for Luke 10:18 (KJV), and says that anyone who's seen the film Street Fighter should know the answer for that passage!
One game is like "Hangman", only with sheep; you try to guess the word, and each time you get a letter wrong, one of the sheep in a corral jumps over the fence and escapes. The Nerd can't guess the word and all the sheep get out, so he loses. Then he sees what the word is.
"Whoever programmed this game should eat a bowl of fuck! I think this game was programmed by the Assholians from the Planet Ass!"
"The best part in the game is when you go into a movie theater and watch the movie that the game is based on. It's just a credit crawl for all the game designers to laugh in your face. I miss Fred Fuchs."
"Wanna know the basics? Check this out. A and B both attack. That's fine, but to jump, you press Up. That's pretty shitty already, but that's not all. What do you think happens when you press Down? Take a guess. You think duck? Heh heh heh, NO. It JUMPS! You press DOWN to JUMP! Whoever came up with that idea is a real cocksucker...that sucks cock."
"This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me."
"In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?"
"Back to football video games. Madden Madden Madden. Madden 91. Madden 92. Madden 93. Madden 94. Madden 95. Madden 96. Madden 97. Madden 98. Madden 99. Madden 2000. Madden 2001. Madden 2002. Madden 2003. Who the FUCK is John Madden any way?! He doesn't even look like an athlete!"
His description of the basic Atari Football game:
"Not this Madden shit. Just plain ass normal everyday no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dimeback, nickelback, simple, ordinary, unembellished, unmistakeable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb! One compound word: it's motherfuckin', goddamned, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' FOOTBALL!! UNH!!" (slams the cartridge in)
And after all that dramatic build-up, he proclaims, "And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life."
His total spaz-out at scoring a touchdown, wearing a beer helmet.
The whole episode is hilarious. It's a departure from form, but the Kyle/James dynamic works very well and makes for some hilarious moments, and it will hopefully be explored further in the future. Regarding the song, the absolute funniest line has to be:
"Pink motherfucking tanks... they're making love to all the scrotum guns... it's a different part in the game, you haven't noticed it yet, but it's a level that's hidden... just trust me."
Kyle Justin's skeleton (complete with hat and guitar) appearing behind the couch as the Nerd snaps.
When Kyle shoots himself with the Zapper, the AVGN tries to use the "A-B-B-A" code to revive him, causing Kyle to spawn inside the couch.
The "A-B-B-A" code use in this episode was the ultimate brick joke: there were numerous shots of Kyle Justin as a skeleton that could be seen in previous episodes (the guitar being a dead giveaway) and when the nerd needs someone to play the game with him, he brings Kyle and the theme back to the show with the "A-B-B-A".
When the Nerd complains about having to have to press the Select button to attack stronger, Kaufman says it's to emulate the mark of the devil.
At the end, Lloyd starts to emulate Nerd in his own way with his own insults, resulting with him in anger so much, in classic Troma fashion, that he takes a diarrhea dump on the NES cartridge, with the smell making the Nerd vomit as much as Lloyd's shitting.
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
When the Nerd gets fed up with trying to figure out blindly where to go, he decides to look for his Nintendo Power by jumping and slamming into his game cabinets.note (In the game, certain items are hidden in trees and other objects on the map, and the only way to find them is by jumping into them.)
He later shows off a few examples of the items needed to rescue the historical figures and bring them back to their own time. Cleopatra requires a credit card, and the one presented by the Nerd is made out to one "Fred Fuchs."
His Imagine Spot of the time rebels mentioned in the game. Two of the Time Rebels were voiced by Rolfe and Kevin Finn.
His reaction when he discovers the Guide Dang It solution to the time circuit:
Nerd: " You've GOT to be kidding me! It's all the way out THERE?! Who would know to do that?! "
His epic rant at the end, he's so horrified by how awful the game is that he comes back twice for more rants.
Nerd: "This game is diarrhea coming out of an old woman's bleeding vagina! It's fucking TERRIBLE! What were (LJN) thinking?! Well, I know...they weren't thinking!"
Tiger Electronic Games
"It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed His middle name to Fucking!"
Some of the cards in Angry Video Game Nerd Monopoly.
Apparently, Board James got out of jail by using the "Get out of jail free" card.
When the Nerd mentions that Board James was in jail for killing his friends, James suddenly goes into an outburst before flipping the Nerd and leaving. The fact that the Nerd of all people is so calm during this really sells it.
The Nerd comments on the other playable characters in AVGN Adventures. His reaction to Guitar Guy is an annoyed "Is that guy dead again?", and his reaction to Mike is "Who is the fuck is Mike? I don't know anyone like that!"
The Nerd gets frustrated with AVGN Adventures. He has a flashback montage of him destroying the cartridges of games that have pissed him off in the past, and looks ready to destroy this one, but realizes that it's a downloadable PC game, so there's no cartridge to destroy. All he can do is just delete the file and say "Take that, game!"
After the Nerd experiences many frustrating deaths in AVGN Adventures:
Nerd: Okay, whoever came up with this is- In-Game Nerd: Whoever came up this level is an asshole!! Nerd: Exactly. It read my mind. They're an asshole. Which means the asshole who made this game acknowledged that they're an asshole, and that I'd call them an asshole! (Beat) You asshole.
The Nerd imitating Waldo's walk cycle at the end of the first part.
The ending of the second part. The Nerd plays Spider-Man & Venom: Maximum Carnage, and judges it to be a decent game. Not great, but not bad either. He's happy to find a Spider-Man game that isn't total shit and checks the game box to find out who made it. When he sees the LJN logo, he Goes Mad from the Revelation.
When playing Bubsy 3D, lamenting Bubsy's voice:
Bubsy: Look! An arrow! Aren't these game designers wonderful?!
Nerd: Yeah, I bet they thought they were clever.
His closing comments on Bubsy 3D:
Nerd: Overall, this game just feels unfinished, and what I really mean is that it's like it was barely started at all! I thought this was a prototype of some sort, not an actual finished game that got released in stores. It's a pile of junk!
"Most of the games I own are junk! I'm hoarding junk! I surrounded myself with fucking garbage!"
The Nerd describing the host of Skate or Die as Rodney Dangerfield with a mohawk.
The disclaimer at the end of the "commercial": Big Rigs may be hazardous to your health. Not intended for children or adults.
The Nerd completely loses it when he sees the infamous "You're Winner!" screen.
AVGN: Well, there's one last thing to find out. How fast can you go in reverse. Let's push the limits. *Truck launches upwards to land in the ground* The truck's fucking the ground. *white points overlayed on the screen* That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! *the background is now showing white points extending, as if entering hyperspace* Light speed. *background changes once again* Ludicrous speed! *plaid background* We've gone to plaid! *background changes yet again, AVGN screams and the background switches back to hyperspace-like* Can't take anymore! We gotta stop! *releases down button, only to be thrown backwards with great force*
The Nerd, while playing the infamous driving minigame, goes to take a sip of his beer...only to stop himself and realize that he shouldn't, since he's "driving".
Just after this, he hangs an air freshener in the corner of the screen. It stays there for the majority of the review.
The Nerd's reaction to the Start button activating the bus's horn rather than pausing the game.
Nerd: They even mention it in the manual! "It's not an oversight, does your life have a pause button?"
The Nerd's reaction to seeing that the Castlevania II Redaction added a hint about the red gem and the tornado he complained about in the pilot. He can't believe what he's seeing.
The Adventures of Bayou Billy/The Punishernote 2nd crossover episode with Pat the NES Punk
Pat tries to defend LJN by mentioning a good game they made (contrary to the Nerd's belief) called T&C Surf Designs, which featured a character named Kool Kat, which was essentially a cat wearing a tuxedo. The Nerd finally flips and yells "FUCK LJN AND FUCK TUXEDO CAT!", but then adds "Alright, Tuxedo Cat was pretty cool."
When Pat mentions the ET game, the Nerd seems visibly discomforted and asks that Pat doesn't "speak its name". He then retorts, "Don't make, like, a big production out of it." They then look at the camera and the Nerd begins to nod...
Pat's awkward dance to the in-game music. Even when the Nerd asks that he stops, he eventually finds himself jamming along.
When Pat asks why the Nerd isn't wearing gear like a hat or a vest to resemble Bayou Billy, the Nerd responds...
Nerd: I tried!...I ordered it on eBay, it didn't come yet!
Pat then bursts into laughter...then he realizes the Nerd wasn't kidding.
After the Nerd comments on a set of heavily-built enemies throwing rocks around, Pat drops a cheesy pun.
Pat: Boy, they sure rocked your world!
The Nerd then asks if Pat wants a knuckle sandwich, and then Pat nonchalantly asks, "Is it as good as pork roll?" You can practically see the Nerd trying not to laugh.