Funny / James Rolfe

• The Angry Video Game Nerd
• James & Mike Mondays
• Board James
• You Know Whats Bullshit
• Cinemassacre Video
• Snix

Original work

• The totally Not Safe for Work Dorothy Goes To Hell is one great moment after the other. But the best part by far is the ending. Seriously, just watch that video, spoiling anything would be unforgivable (it does however require knowledge of Return to Oz, so you might want to watch his review of it first).

Video game reviews (non-AVGN)

• In his review of the new Ghostbusters game, the Nerd gets ready to slam it with James, he is put in his place when James says that it is NOT shitty. The look on the Nerd's face is absolutely hilarious.
• In his Super Nintendo Entertainment System VS. Sega Genesis two-part series, hearing "Little Jimmy" (James at age eleven) supporting Nintendo, and seeing and hearing James' reaction to it.
  James: OK... you got that? Reasons why Nintendo is better than Sega: Tiger handheld Simon's Quest, posters, "guide books", characters, controller stickers, "Power Gun", and Power Pad. Boom! In your face, Sega!
  • His homemade commercial for the Genesis is at least as funny (if not funnier) than the official ones were.
  • 1992 Jimmy going on and on about 'resoluation'. 2012 James just scratches his head.
    • "I think my younger self just went over my head."
  • "I'm sure that commercial alone sold many Genesises... Genesi... Mega Drives."
  • Talking about how as a kid, he took the "Genesis Does What Nintendon't" commercials personally. He was such a Nintendo fanboy that he reacted to the commercials as if they were bullying one of his friends.
  James: So there I am, pissed off, making a video about it. (Beat) I guess nothing's changed.
  • When discussing how Sega's marketing team took advantage of the one category where the Genesis was superior (the MHz speed), he told a story about having a playful argument with a friend at work:
  James: I was working at a convenience store, and every day I'd drink this milk mixed with a chocolate mix. And my friend would always drink the regular chocolate milk out of the bottle. I told him mine was better, so we compared nutrition facts. It turns out mine had less sugar, more vitamins, and was better in just about every way, but his had a little more vitamin D in it, so every day then, he would come into work, sippin' his chocolate milk, going, "Yeah, love that vitamin D!" ...Yeah, we got bored at work a lot.
• Pre-James and Mike Mondays, the two looked at the Virtual Reality Stuntmaster (a virtual reality headset that's supposed to hook up to your existing game console) and were baffled by the product's game manual.
  James: It doesn't come with instructions; it says- it has a resume (...) from the Victormaxx. "Objective: To deploy his creative skill and virtual reality know-how. To manufacture a breakthrough headset creating a global virtual reality empire in which he achieves maximum power and total self-appreciation." Who is he?!
  Mike: What does this have to do with hookin' up the fucking thing to the Super Nintendo?
  James: "Birthplace: Question mark."
  Mike: Who's birthplace?!
  James: Victormaxx, whatever.
  Mike: That's like if you open up The Legend of Zelda and inside is, like, Miyamoto's birth certificate or something. It's like, who fucking cares?
  James: "Favorite movie: On hologram, in his private theater: The Godfather. (...) Working on: Commanding, powering the terrified staff of his revolutionary virtual reality headset."
  Mike: So it's a joke?
  James: Yeah, the whole thing is a joke resume.
  Mike: You know what would be better than a joke resume? How about some fucking... like, tell us how to hook it up!
  James: "Nickname: Control Freak. Mr. Control Freak. Favorite childhood memory: He doesn't have one, since he doesn't admit to ever being a child. Prized possession: The blueprints of his virtual reality headset and the ability to have his first and last names connect in his virtual mind. Education: At birth, his brain already contained all the knowledge of twelve years of school, and at age eight, he attended Yale, which he referred to as "jail." But it became clear that my services were no longer required." (...) "Personal heroes: The four horsemen of the apocalypse.
  Mike: WHAT?!
  James: "Philosophy of life: No matter the odds against us, we must pursue our dreams from the womb to the tomb, zoom." This is the most bizarre thing I've ever read in my life.
  • In the same video, Mike causing James to get the giggles by sporting a dorky grin and doing a goofy walk with the Stuntmaster wire attached to his shirt.
• Also pre-James and Mike Mondays, James tries to get three Turtles Commodore games to run, but is only successful with one of them. Mike (who's behind the camera) wonders if one of the games, TMNT World Tour, is a game based on the "Vacation in Europe side-season" from the 1987 TV series. The look James gives him (and the comment: "...Ya think?") when he throws out that guess is priceless.
  • James observes how awkward the controls for the Commodore port of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989), saying that jump and attack are both the same button. Then he draws a comparison:
  James: Imagine playing Super C on Commodore 64. (...) Imagine trying to jump and shoot with the same button. In Contra.

Movie reviews

• The fourth Monster Madness has had plenty, thanks in part to most of the movies being terrible.
  • Reenacting James Earl Jones providing voice work for Darth Vader while wearing the witch doctor costume for Exorcist II: The Heretic.
  • The entire Infra-man review. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Wait a minute, dynamite exploded? Don't be silly.
  • MORE FOOOOOG!
  • "YOU PISSIN' IN MAH WOODS, BOY!? GIMME DAT DICK! BIGFOOT RIP DICK OFF!"
    • "Then, she gets pregnant and gives birth to the baby Bigfoot which looks like a glob of shit!"
  • James criticizes the movie The Cyclops for a moment where the monster picks up a woman and the effect is basically a still image of his hand around her being dragged across the screen...including the background. Right after this, James picks up a bottle of beer and the exact same thing happens.
  • When pointing out that the film's villain is a troll, there's his comment that Ernest Scared Stupid might be "the real Troll 3".
• From his review of The Shining during his movie segment:
  James: Oh no! Not Tuesday!
• During his Fifth Monster Madness (Sequel-A-Thon) in the A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) review, he notes that Wes Craven seems to have a thing for booby traps. He then muses that Wes Craven should've directed the Home Alone movies. Cut to a clip of Home Alone where a makeshift flamethrower burns the head of a photoshopped Freddy Krueger with high pitched screaming.
  • Also, his convoluted theory about Ygor from Son of Frankenstein.
• Him and Mike watching Turkish Star Wars and laughing at how stupid it is.
• The part in his Godzilla: Final Wars review where he shows "what goes on in New York City (according to Toho)", which is a black guy speaking in Jive Turkey threatening a cop. The Nerd's deadpan "Yeah. Guess that's about right." seals it.
• James's review of Monkey Shines, especially this moment:
  James: As a nice touch, there's a Casablanca poster in the background, just to remind you that we're talkin' classic cinema. Here's lookin' at you, shithead.
• Bat-a-Thon:
  • When reviewing all the Batman live action movies, he used a different rating criteria for each film. For Batman Returns, he gave it "three Happy Meals wrapped in chains dripping blood with dead cats and penguins impaled on with knives, and a killer bat on top." For Batman Forever, he gave it "two and a half Bat-asses".
  • Also, when reviewing Batman Forever:
  James: One of the biggest complaints that a lot of people had were the nipples on the bat suit. I don't know why it was such a big deal, but now I look at it... yeah I what purpose do they have? If they shot bullets or something, that would at least have some kind of functionality, or maybe the suit fits so tight, his nipples are actually inside that nipple part... whatever, I'm talking about this way too much.
• We Wish You a Turtle Christmas:
  James: The lip-syncing is out of control. (..) After a Turtle is finished speaking, the mouths keep moving. Those teeth keep chompin' away. It's a free-for-all.
  Leo: You've got the wrong turtle, man. I got presents for the kids. Donny was supposed to get a gift for Splinter. (mouth keeps moving a couple seconds after he speaks; the same footage is repeated twice more for emphasis)
  • When Splinter appears and talks: "That voice. ANYBODY could do a better Splinter. ANYBODY."
  • This bit:
  James: Splinter's really polite. The Turtles bring 'em all this garbage, and they let all these kids in. He should say, "Get all these damn kids out, and throw this shit in the trash."
• During Monster Madness 2014, he looks at Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, showcasing the performances of Academy Award winning Matthew McConaughey (completely hamming it up) and Renée Zellweger (being Too Dumb to Live). Then he shows them winning their awards while playing clips from TCM4.
• One of the movies James reviewed for "Monster Madness 2015" was The Screaming Skull. He thought the movie should've been called The Screaming Bitch instead, referencing the female lead.
• In his TMNT Live Action Leftovers video, when discussing the Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation, he notes the out-of-control scene transitions.
  James: The digital effects have gone completely overboard. Every scene has some kind of weird effect. Anytime there's a transition, we get a spinning shell or something. (a flame effect engulfs the screen over Leonardo's face, transitioning to the next scene) What happened? Did Leonardo burst into flame? Oh no, just another transition.
  • When discussing the cheap costumes in "Operation Blue Line", he changes his opinion on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III:
  James: You thought Turtles III was bad? Turtles III is heaven.
• When reviewing Leprechaun, calling Jennifer Aniston "Jennifer Anus-Stain".
• TerrorVision:
  James: The character who's hosting this whole marathon is a chick named Medusa. She looks like she's trying to out-boob Elvira, rather successfully. (close-up of her huge breasts) Damn!

Top 10s

• Cinemassacre's Top 1 Shark Movies.
  • Also, a moment from its accompanying video: Cinemassacre's Top 40 Shitty Shark Movies. While talking about Sharknado, James starts ranting about how they are making shark movies faster than he can make the video.
    • This line:
      James: Y'know, sharks are gettin' kinda tired of always being called "son of a bitches". Or "sons of bitches", yeah, that'd be multiple sons of multiple bitches.
    • Struggling to get the DVD case for Hammerhead open, eventually resorting to a saw.
      James: Gotta get the fuckin' shark movie open! [trying to saw the case open] Open, you son of a bitch! [trying to pull it apart] Gotta get the shark movie! I GOTTA GET THE SHARK MOVIE!
  • "Top 40 Shitty Shark Movies" is now on Youtube... and updated to Top 50.
    • James interrupts the original video's section on Red Water to go on an angry rant.
      2013 James: Ocean sharks... lake sharks... this time, it's a river shark. Sooner or later, it's gonna be a shark in a fuckin' bathtub!
      2017 James: Update: Oh, a shark in a bathtub? Yeah, that's happened. Ghost Shark. Came out less than a month, less than a MONTH, after I made this video. Shark in a bathtub, all I had to do was say the magic fuckin' words! Shark in an alien robot vagina! Is that gonna happen now?!
    • And then does it again in the Sharknado section!
      2013 James: ...And now I hear Sharknado 2 is in the works...
      2017 James: Update: Wow, "I heard Sharknado 2 was in the works". Yeah. Well, guess what now? Sharknado 5 is comin' out in a couple weeks! A series about sharks in fuckin' tornadoes! Isn't that kind of a niche thing? Or is it really so popular that there's gotta be five movies and counting?! There's more Sharknado movies than fucking Jaws movies! I don't even have any free spots on the list! So, let's just say, right here? All the Sharknado movies. How 'bout that?
    • One of the new movies added to the list is Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf. James is just completely stunned by the concept of Whalewolf, and can only repeat its name to emphasize its ridiculousness.
• His Top 10 list of...worst Top 10's. That's right, a top list of top lists.
  • Especially "top 10 times when someone's hat falls off and you can see inside the hat". His excitement over one of the instances is just priceless, as is an example where it almost happens but he's denied it and gets upset.
• Top 10 Movie Moments That Have Nothing To Do With The Scene From Frankenstein Where The Monster Throws The Girl Into The Pond, just for the sheer absurdity of the premise. Plus the bizarre film clips he chose.
  • Of special note was the clip from MVP: Most Vertical Primate:
  Ollie: How do pancakes sound?
  (Jack holds an open-mouth smile for two seconds)
• Top 20 Turtle Flubs:
  James: #7: Michaelangelo's mouth is moving, but there's no voice. I wonder if they cut his lines, because it was inappropriate. Like, maybe he said something really perverted to that kid.
• At the end of Top 10 Jackie Chan Fights, he said that these movies "kick your ass until shit comes out your ears."
• From Ten Horror Remakes, the number one spot goes to BANG!!! Hammer!
• At the end of Top 5 King Kong Rip-Offs:
  James: Anyway, if it wasn't for the convoluted legal history of Kong, I bet there would be even more rip-offs. Wouldn't it be great if the character was in the public domain? Because then we could have King Kong in Space, King Kong Bangs Your Mom, and so on.
• In The Top 10 Worst Movie Cliches, the number one is "Stupid Villains" (specifically, the villain delaying killing the hero):
  James: (showing a clip from GoldenEye of 006 pointing a gun at Bond) What is he waiting for? He's got 'em right there, just kill him! Ugh, what a dumbass. (...) It's one thing to draw out the suspense, it's another thing to just be REALLY stupid!
• Top 10 Riddler Riddles: "Why is a bear like a fallen tree?"
  Batman: Easy: A bear lumbers, and a falling tree becomes lumber!
  James: I guess it takes one lunatic to know another.
  • "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"
  Robin: Make applesauce!
  Batman: Apples into applesauce, a unification into one smooth mixture: An egg!
  James: Damn, they figure these out fast! They don't even take a minute to think!
• Top 10 Shitty Shatner Movies:
  • #9 is The Horror at 37,000 Feet. James addresses a funny moment:
  Man: (slurring his words) How do you know all this sh...tuff, anyway?
  James: All this "sh-tuff"??
  Man: How do you know all this sh...tuff, anyway?
  James: Guess he almost forgot this was a TV movie.
• Top 20 Window Jumps: James's simple but hilarious reaction to #5 (Fright Night):
  James: Hoooooly shit!
• Top 10 Baddest Bad Guys: When discussing Bennett in Commando:
  James: Electricity makes him more powerful, and he has the magic power to make you grow old.
  Bennett: You're getting old, John. You're getting old.
  John: Bull...SHIT!

Miscellaneous videos

• Him and Mike review the menu screen (No, really) of The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!: Mario's Greatest Movie Moments DVD just to show how bizarre it is. They poke fun at Inspector Gadget's tour of the menu screen and proceed to mimic him throughout the review.
  • It gets even funnier when they start impersonating Inspector Gadget with an animated Gadget image super-imposed over their faces.
  James: (As Inspector Gadget) You fucked up.
  • You think that's funny? Watch Gadget explain Cinemassacre for us.
  Gadget: A new page will load, so don't be supWISED!
  • Not to mention the ending of that video:
  Dr. Claw: (beating up the Gadget logo) BAAAH!!! I finally got you, Gadget, you motherfucker!!!
• The entirety of Michelangelo's Pizza Taste Test, where James, Mike, and their friends try out Mikey's various pizza recipes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987).
  James: (after trying the pizza with peanut butter and avocado with extra pickles) That was pretty good, actually.
  Female: You want another one?
  James: (quickly) No.
  • When tasting a pizza with chocolate fudge, sardines, chili peppers and whipped cream, James asks Mike, "All right Motherfucker Mike, you ready for this motherfuckin' pizza?!"
  • Also, one of James's friends raises a pinky finger while eating her share, saying it looks sophisticated. James then points out that there are bones in the sardine, and said friend lets out a rather loud "What the fuck?!".
  • James makes a break for the garbage can when he tastes the onion, butterscotch, and anchovies pizza.
  • And there's the ending:
  James: Michelangelo, you're disgusting! You are no longer my favorite turtle. Fuck you for inventing these horrible pizzas.
  Everyone: (While Flipping the Bird, turtle style) FUCK YOU, MICHELANGELO!
• The Mailbag Episodes, where he reads and responds to some of the emails (and YouTube messages) that he receives from his fans: some of the best and some of the worst. This includes nice emails, funny emails, hatemail and the such. One of the funniest has got to be in Episode 3, where he receives a positive email from a fan whose grasp of the English language is greatly put in question (and likely a joke email), and the further James gets reading it, the less control he has over his laughter. It contains such gems as referring to Mike Matei as "Mike Matinee" and a line about "see futures in balls". James tries to contain his laughter, but the email ends with a line that sends James into uncontrollable laughter: Live like a windrammer as you fuck.
  • Earlier in that same episode he reads an email giving him a suggestion. His read and overall reaction is priceless.
  "Mr. Rolfe, Quit masturbating incessantly to freaking horror movies. talk about something else for satan’s sake. Just a suggestion. Yours truly, your mother’s cum-dumpster vag garbage man."
  • There's one from episode 7 while he was out in Los Angeles that might top the above one. Here it is in all its glory:
  James: "Fuck the Police." OK, that's the name of this e-mail. "Hey Harold..." OK, he's calling me Harold... "This is the last fucking time I buy you peppermint patties. You beg and beg me for them rolling around the floor of the CSV..." ...does he mean CVS? "...like a fucking money with a fork up his ass, and then when I give in and buy them for you, you go home and put 9 rubber dicks in the sink again." Rubber ducks. Rubber, it's rubber ducks. I said dicks, that was me. "I don't think the plumber is going to like this one. I don't even care anymore. This time, you're gonna have to tell them what went wrong! Last time, you made him hit the deck pretty hard. I don't wanna see any more caramel strips in your Thomas the Train VHS tapes either. Enough is enough. Learn to read and stop calling up Taco Bell asking for your wallet back. They don't have it. Devin. P.S. Arnold told me you tried to shove a bottle of drain cleaner up your ass again. For the last time, if you do it on purpose, the company won't pay you compensation."
  • This gem from episode 8:
  "Just thought you should know that your videos have caused me to lose my penis, stretch out my asshole, and drink my own nut liquids."
  • From episode 9, which James liked because according to him, it sounded a little like a Dr. Seuss rhyme. The title of this e-mail was "I was had your pee-pee."
  "Hello, I needed your pees... like frozen pees... in a bag... you can getting thems at the stores they having lots of many pees so sending them to me... please sir I need the pees. There is being too much hair on jackie chans ass."
  • Episode 2 has a moment where James reads a YouTube message from a man who expresses his love for, of all things, mylar balloons. What sells it is that James is trying his best not to judge the guy as he goes into too much detail as to what he does and wants to do with mylar balloons before moving on to another message. The look of shock is priceless.
  • Episode 9 has this email, which starts with the subject ">=o son of a bitch I luvz u", and reduces James to helpless laughter, particularly after the writer's name:
  "I swear to god the next time you pass a wal-mart I will pounce at you and rub your nipples till you fall in love with me. Then we can make videos together, this will titillate me in ways in which I've never been touched before. You sir are my boyfriend, I don't care who knows it! Yours truly, Mr. Nipples :D"
• TMNT Tournament Fighters Challenge. James and Mike play a bit of the game with high stakes. The winner gets to watch the first TMNT movie, the loser has to watch the awful Turtle Tunes. The ending is what makes it, Mike gets so tired of the video, that he stops it and starts playing Super Metroid. James catches him and tells him if he doesn't finish it, he'll have to watch Turtle Tunes three times, plus We Wish You a Turtles Christmas, the third movie, and the Coming Out of Their Shells tour.
• "Movies That Rhyme", mainly for the Self-Deprecation joke at the end.
  James: Are you ready? Movies that rhyme with Jaws: Rebel Without a Cause, Applause, The Santa Clause. Movies that rhyme with Kindergarten Cop: Bus Stop, Barbershop, Operation: Dumbo Drop, American Pop, Beverly Hills Cop, Cash Crop, Over the Top. Movies that rhyme with Jurassic Park: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lois & Clark, South Park, A Shot in the Dark, Narc', Joan of Arc, Bark. Movies that rhyme with Judge Dredd: Eraserhead, King Vidoar's Our Daily Bread, Night of the Living Dead, Playboy: Playmates in Bed, Drop Dead Fred, Fist Full Of Lead, Rose Red, Beavis and Butt-Head, He Said, She Said, Father Ted, Extreme Guitar Shred, Dead Ahead, Club Dread''. (Beat) Wow, I just made the most pointless video ever made...
• Wii Salute, where James gives personalities to the various game consoles of his youth. Among the highlights:
  • After Genesis picks on NES for not being 16-bit, NES calls on his big brother, the SNES, who tells Genesis to fuck his facehole through his ass.
  • While SNES and Genesis are bickering, Jaguar pops out and says "You thought you heard the last from Atari, you puny fools? I'm the Atari Jaguar, and I'm 64-bit!" SNES says, "You ain't 64-bit; get the fuck out of here."
  • After Genesis adds the 32X onto its console:
  SNES: What are you going to next, add something else on top?
  Genesis: Um... yeah! [adds another 32X on top of the 32X]
  • After SNES delivers an epic Take That! to Genesis^note "32-bit my ass! What's wrong with you?! You say CDs are the next big thing, but then you go back to cartridges?! You say you're more powerful than me, but then, why do you need all these extra add-ons?! (...) You've already needed like three fucking power adapters to run that colossal mess you've created! Look at you! You're a fucking disaster!", Genesis says that Sega's working on the Neptune.
  SNES: Oh. Well aren't you coming out with the Sega Saturn?
  Genesis: Yeah, we're hurrying it along.
  SNES: So what about the Neptune?
  Genesis: Oh, that? It's cancelled.
  SNES: Too many systems, huh?
  Genesis: Uh... fuck you.
• Presenting Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: The Game: The Movie. Sadly, it's just a joke trailer and no actual movie will be made. About one minute and twenty seconds in, the references to the video game kick in, complete with music.
  Pub Owner: I won't rest until every man, woman, child and insect is after 'im!
• His noob's review of Power Rangers, where he recounts his limited history of the franchise before finding out its history with Super Sentai and Kamen Rider and the entire Tokusatsu genre in general. Deciding that there is simply too much content for him to watch it all, he says he will only watch the first season of Power Rangers and leave it at that. So he gets it up on Netflix and...
  James: It's 60 episodes? 60 FUCKING EPISODES, YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH?! FOR ONE SEASON?!
  • His epic rant on how interconnected everything is starts as follows.
  James: There's two different shows, both coexisting, and both still going on to this very day. Does that mean I have to watch Super Sentai also?
  [cut to the opening to Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger]
  James: Um... Absolutely!
• In his recap of E3 2008, he mentions Mega Man & Bass and pronounces "bass" like the fish.
• In the "You Can Just Walk Over It" 10 year anniversary video, James noted how April O'Neil looks creepy in the game. Followed by, well, this.
• The video where James compared different video formats had a moment when he noted how large the Laserdisc sleeves were, and said that the VHS cover is almost the same size as only part of the Laserdisc sleeve. He used Dracula as an example, laying the VHS over the Laserdisc sleeve:
  James: Yeah. It's like he's got a tiny head.
• When discussing Video Power, he imitates the theme song:
  James: My show is kickin', with maximum hype! Video Power, yeah, that's right! Word! Yeah, that's right, word... (bursts out laughing)
  • His look of shocked disbelief after he shows a clip of Johnny Arcade asking two contestants if his feet smell.
  James: Did that just happen?! Seriously, tell me if that REALLY happened. (clip is shown again)
• When discussing Hank in Breaking Bad:
  James: Fuck Hank. I want him to burn in Hell.
• Towards the end of the review of Solo, James thinks the next Star Wars movie should be about baby Anakin, and titled "Baby Vader: A Star Wars Story", aka "Episode 0".
• In Chronologically Confused About TMNT DVDs, his rant about how many episodes were presented out of order, and said the DVD crew spent more time making the fifth season "look like a FUCKING pizza box!"
• "That Movie in Troll 2" had the funny part where James reacts to the Columbia logo abruptly appearing in an Italian film. He shows the same clip three times.
  James: Wow, that's... mmm. (gives okay symbol) class. (laughs hysterically)
• James's youngest daughter likes to design levels in Super Mario Maker. Given half are clearly incomplete and half are Platform Hell, him playing them is basically a family-friendly version of the AVGN, complete with "What was she thinking?!". (the comments also note sadistic game design runs in the family, given young James made Deadly Danger Dungeon, a board game where half the squares are instant death)

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