Funny: James Rolfe


    open/close all folders 

    Original work 

    Video game reviews (non-AVGN) 
  • In his review of the new Ghostbusters game, the Nerd gets ready to slam it with James, he is put in his place when James says that it is NOT shitty. The look on the Nerd's face is absolutely hilarious.
  • In his SNES VS. Sega Genesis two-part series, hearing "Little Jimmy" (James at age eleven) supporting Nintendo, and seeing and hearing James' reaction to it.
    James: OK... you got that? Reasons why Nintendo is better than Sega: Tiger handheld Simon's Quest, posters, "guide books", characters, controller stickers, "Power Gun", and Power Pad. Boom! In your face, Sega!
    • His homemade commercial for the Genesis is at least as funny (if not funnier) than the official ones were.
    • 1992 Jimmy going on and on about 'resoluation'. 2012 James just scratches his head.
      • "I think my younger self just went over my head."
    • "I'm sure that commercial alone sold many Genesises... Genesi... Mega Drives."
  • Pre-James and Mike Mondays, the two looked at the Virtual Reality Stuntmaster (a virtual reality headset that's supposed to hook up to your existing game console) and were baffled by the product's game manual.
    James: It doesn't come with instructions; it says- it has a resume (...) from the Victormaxx. "Objective: To deploy his creative skill and virtual reality know-how. To manufacture a breakthrough headset creating a global virtual reality empire in which he achieves maximum power and total self-appreciation." Who is he?!
    Mike: What does this have to do with hookin' up the fucking thing to the Super Nintendo?
    James: "Birthplace: Question mark."
    Mike: Who's birthplace?!
    James: Victormaxx, whatever.
    Mike: That's like if you open up The Legend of Zelda and inside is, like, Miyamoto's birth certificate or something. It's like, who fucking cares?
    James: "Favorite movie: On hologram, in his private theater: The Godfather. (...) Working on: Commanding, powering the terrified staff of his revolutionary virtual reality headset."
    Mike: So it's a joke?
    James: Yeah, the whole thing is a joke resume.
    Mike: You know what would be better than a joke resume? How about some fucking... like, tell us how to hook it up!
    James: "Nickname: Control Freak. Mr. Control Freak. Favorite childhood memory: He doesn't have one, since he doesn't admit to ever being a child. Prized possession: The blueprints of his virtual reality headset and the ability to have his first and last names connect in his virtual mind. Education: At birth, his brain already contained all the knowledge of twelve years of school, and at age eight, he attended Yale, which he referred to as "jail." But it became clear that my services were no longer required." (...) "Personal heroes: The four horsemen of the apocalypse.
    Mike: WHAT?!
    James: "Philosophy of life: No matter the odds against us, we must pursue our dreams from the womb to the tomb, zoom." This is the most bizarre thing I've ever read in my life.
  • Also pre-James and Mike Mondays, James tries to get three Turtles Commodore games to run, but is only successful with one of them. Mike (who's behind the camera) wonders if one of the games, TMNT World Tour, is a game based on the "Vacation in Europe side-season" from the 1987 TV series. The look James gives him (and the comment: "...Ya think?") when he throws out that guess is priceless.
    • James observes how awkward the controls for the Commodore port of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, saying that jump and attack are both the same button. Then he draws a comparison:
    James: Imagine playing Super C. With one button.

    Movie reviews 
  • The fourth Monster Madness has had plenty, thanks in part to most of the movies being terrible.
  • From his review of The Shining during his movie segment:
    James: Oh no! Not Tuesday!
  • During his Fifth Monster Madness (Sequel-A-Thon) in the Nightmare on Elm Street review, he notes that Wes Craven seems to have a thing for booby traps. He then muses that Wes Craven should've directed the Home Alone movies. Cut to a clip of Home Alone 2 where a makeshift flamethrower burns the head of a photoshopped Freddy Krueger with high pitched screaming.
  • Him and Mike watching Turkish Star Wars and laughing at how stupid it is.
  • The part in his Godzilla Final Wars review where he shows "what goes on in New York City (according to Toho)", which is a black guy speaking in Jive Turkey threatening a cop. The Nerd's deadpan "Yeah. Guess that's about right." seals it.
  • James's review of Monkey Shines, especially this moment:
    James: As a nice touch, there's a Casablanca poster in the background, just to remind you that we're talkin' classic cinema. Here's lookin' at you, shithead.
  • Bat-a-Thon:
    • When reviewing all the Batman live action movies, he used a different rating criteria for each film. For Batman Returns, he gave it "three Happy Meals wrapped in chains dripping blood with dead cats and penguins impaled on with knives, and a killer pad on top." For Batman Forever, he gave it "two and a half Bat-asses".
    • Also, when reviewing Batman Forever:
    James: One of the biggest complaints that a lot of people had were the nipples on the bat suit. I don't know why it was such a big deal, but now I look at it... yeah I what purpose do they have? If they shot bullets or something, that would at least have some kind of functionality, or maybe the suit fits so tight, his nipples are actually inside that nipple part... whatever, I'm talking about this way too much.

    Top 10s 

    James and Mike Mondays 
  • Him and Mike playing the Odyssey.
  • James and Mike Play Taboo the Sixth Sense: "I see shitty games!"
  • James and Mike Play Pilotwings 64. And dick around with it immensely.
    • At one point, they try to enter a cave to find out what could be inside (In case you're curious, it's actually a star). James flies away from the island in order to get enough room to turn around, but at the same time, he talks about Abott and Castello. He ends up getting sidetracked to the point that the island isn't even visible for a while by the time he turns around.
    • During the cannonball stage, they don't even bother to try and hit the targets. They actually try to shoot the guy as far away as possible, preferably into walls.
  • James and Mike Play Sonic the Hedgehog (2006). Biggest moment, the game switches character control over to Tails, temporarily breaking James' concentration (he was playing as Sonic a moment ago) and causing him to accidentally drop Tails into the watery abyss and lose his last life. Cue James and Mike encountering the exact same problem pokecapn and his pals encountered way back in 2008: It doesn't autosave thus they're forced to play the game from the very beginning all over again.
    • Their reaction to the shopkeeper whose talking animation keeps playing even after his text box only said one thing. James imitating said animation makes it even funnier.
    • Making Tails somehow fly through the ground and into the skybox.
  • Oh boy, James & Mike Mondays: Super Off Road...
    • James' controller doesn't work too well due to tech problems with their extension cables, so they have to dust off James' childhood NES to try again.
    • When the first race begins, the car sprites' small size and relatively small color palette make James mistake his car for the grey car, when it's actually the blue car stuck all the way back at the start of the race.
    • Mike eventually gives up because Pat the NES Punk keeps winning, so he decides to troll Pat and James for the rest of the video. This isn't helped by the fact that the later courses have very confusing layouts, which causes more mayhem as James tries to follow Mike, unaware that the latter is actually fucking around.
    • The fun continues into the very next video, where they play RC Pro AM 2. Pat brings up Super Off-Road and Mike, half-facetious and half-serious, tells him to shut the fuck up about that game. And they also have a hypothetical discussion of Ivan Stewart eating out Mike's ass, causing all three of them to burst into hysterics.
  • In one "James and Mike Monday", Bootsy casually beating Back to the Future Part III for Genesis. The shocked look on James and Mike's faces after he beats level 1 (which The Angry Video Game Nerd got stuck on) is priceless.
  • James and Mike play Sonic the Hedgehog Genesis games, which sounds like they'll just be playing the first four Sonic games. Turns out, they're ROM hack cartridges, one of which is Sonic Megamix, another is a hacked Streets of Rage 3 game with Sonic in it and another involves Sonic EXE. James and Mike's reaction to the Sonic EXE hack, the I AM GOD Jump Scare popup and the bloody Green Hill zone sells it.
    (James and Mike start up Sonic 1)
    James: Love the music in this game.
    Mike: It's so classic...
    (The title screen changes to Sonic.exe with the Green Hill Zone backdrop changed into hell)
    James: What the fuck...
    (beat)
    (They start playing the game)
    Mike: Did you see that? There was, like, blood coming out his eyes...
    James: No, no, I didn't see that. No.
  • James and Mike play Batman on NES. Near the end, Mike finds himself in deep shit, faced with very tough enemies to defeat, no weapons to attack them with, and one HP left. James advises him to run for it, which he does, screaming all the way, and he makes it. However, in his excitement, he throws the controller to James, not realizing there's a boss. James only manages to pause right as the boss is about to hit Batman, with no way to avoid it. Fortunately, they had one last guy, and James manages to beat the boss anyway.
  • The Atari Jaguar CD didn't work for The Angry Video Game Nerd, but a couple years later James got a unit in working condition, so he and Mike gave it a try. The best was when they played the Highlander: The Last of the MacLeods game, and were unable to get away from two enemies who kept beating the main character with sticks (James: "I can't get out of this!").
    Mike: Time ta get beat, bwah! Time ta get beat motherfucker!
  • The "James and Mike" play on Jaws Unleashed, which mostly consists of James, Mike, and Pat the NES Punk shouting "YEAH!!!!" and "OHHHH!!!" (and variants thereof) while Jaws eats people and wrecks boats.
    James: Jaws is comin' for you, motherfucker!
    (later, when Pat and Mike pleading James not to have Jaws eat some harmless seals on land...)
    James: Jaws has gotta eat!
  • During Monster Madness 2014, he looks at Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, showcasing the performances of Academy Award winning Matthew McConaughey (completely hamming it up) and Renee Zellweger (being Too Dumb to Live). Then he shows them winning their awards while playing clips from TCM4.
  • James' bizarre stream of consciousness rambling about why the Grim Reaper carries a scythe from James & Mike Play Super Ghouls and Ghosts.
  • In the "James and Mike" of Excitebike 64, the group observed how the muddy ground was the color of shit. Of course, this led James into discussing the topic, such as a time in grade school when he took a field trip to a museum where they had a display of droppings from various animals. James was the only one to get 100% of the answers correct, which caused the guy running the quiz to tell him, "You really know your shit."
  • In the "James and Mike" of Bomberman for NES, James and Mike bring up how they did a version of this video with Pat the NES Punk instead of JonTron, and mention how Pat kept lying to novice James about how to play the game.
    James: Are skulls good?
    Pat: Yeah.
  • James and Mike play the unreleased Super Mario's Wacky Worlds on CDi, and since there is no goal post, the duo have to reset the game every time they "finish" a level. After getting tired of having to get up repeatedly, James gets out a long stick that the two use to reset the game from the couch. At one point, Mike deadpans, "You'd have more fun sticking that up your ass than playing this."
  • In their playthrough of Mega Man 2, James trying to make words out of the inventory screen's weapon abbreviations: "PHAWBQE" and "FMC 123".
  • In Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure, the two are confused why they can't get on rides when there are too many people. Later, James and Mike are underwhelmed by the Waterworld exhibit, which is just the finale of the stage show that lasts about five seconds and the only thing you can control is where you sit in the audience. Mike admits: "Well, at least we got to look at that instead of having to stand in a line." James starts laughing at how ridiculous Mike's statement is: "Who would ever think you'd say that when you're playing a game, like- "We might have to stand in a line!""
    • After beating the Jaws ride, Mike is underwhelmed by how it ends: Jaws just swims away.
    Mike: I thought something better was gonna happen than that.
    James: You thought the kid was gonna go, "Smile, you son of a bitch!"?
  • James and Mike have fun playing the Double Dragon Neo Geo movie-based fighting game...even as it resets on them halfway through (Neo Geo CD technology most likely.)
  • From James and Mike (and Bootsy and Kyle Justin) play Krazy Kreatures, the whole discussion about whale penises and dildo chess.
  • James and Mike playing Doki Doki Panic on a glitchy Famicom Disk System that occasionally breaks down, and putting up with the eye-raping waterfall background.
  • While playing the Friday the 13th NES game James and Mike realize there's no in-game way to keep track of which cabins have lit fireplaces, so they have to resort to pausing the game and sticking pieces of tape to the television screen.
  • It was uploaded on a Wednesday, but the "James & Mike Bonus" video of Explosive Fighter Patton on the FDS is hilarious. James & Mike are just trying to figure out why the "Flip the disk" message says "INSERT TO FUCKING BOX".
  • In their playthrough of The Legend of Zelda on the original Famicom, James killed Pols Voices by shouting "FUCK" into the second controller's microphone.
  • James, Mike and special guest star Ryan Schott of Cinemassacre.com play Indiana Jones And The Infernal Machine, and only a few minutes into the video, are bitten by a snake. The three are confused why their health meter keeps dropping, even after they start a new life, and finally Ryan wonders if this is because of the snake bite. So the trio reset the game and try again, this time making doubly sure not to get bit again. And they do good for a while... before being bit again by a different snake.
    • In the same video, a graphical glitch caused Indy to sink through the ground when losing a life.

    Miscellaneous videos 
  • MUNKY CHEEZ!!!
  • Him and Mike review the menu screen (No, really) of the The Super Mario Bros. Super Show: Mario's Greatest Movie Moments DVD just to show how bizarre it is. They poke fun at Inspector Gadget's tour of the menu screen and proceed to mimic him throughout the review.
    • It gets even funnier when they start impersonating Inspector Gadget with an animated Gadget image super-imposed over their faces.
      James: (As Inspector Gadget) You fucked up.
    • You think that's funny? Watch Gadget explain Cinemassacre for us.
    Gadget: A new page will load, so don't be supWISED!
    • Not to mention the ending of that video:
    Dr. Claw: (beating up the Gadget logo) BAAAH!!! I finally got you, Gadget, you motherfucker!!!
  • The entirety of Michelangelo's Pizza Taste Test where James and his friends try out Mikey's various pizza recipes.
    James: That was pretty good actually.
    Female: You want another one?
    James: *quickly* No.
    • When tasting a pizza with sardines, James tells Mike, "All right Motherfucker Mike, you ready for this motherfuckin' pizza?!"
    • Also, one of James's friends raises a pinky finger while eating her share, saying it looks sophisticated. James then points out that there are bones in the sardine, and said friend lets out a rather loud "What the fuck?!".
    • James makes a break for the garbage can when he tastes onion, butterscotch, and anchovies pizza.
    • And there's the ending:
      James: Michelangelo, you're disgusting! You are no longer my favorite turtle. Fuck you for inventing these horrible pizzas.
      Everyone: (While Flipping the Bird, turtle style) FUCK YOU, MICHELANGELO!
  • The Mailbag Episodes, where he reads and responds to some of the emails (and YouTube messages) that he receives from his fans: some of the best and some of the worst. This includes nice emails, funny emails, hatemail and the such. One of the funniest has got to be in Episode 3, where he receives a positive email from a fan whose grasp of the English language is greatly put in question (and likely a joke email), and the further James gets reading it, the less control he has over his laughter. The email ends with a line that sends James into uncontrollable laughter: Live like a windrammer as you fuck.
    • There's one from episode 7 while he was out in Los Angeles that might top the above one. Here it is in all its glory:
      James: "Fuck the Police." OK, that's the name of this e-mail. "Hey Harold..." OK, he's calling me Harold... "This is the last fucking time I buy you peppermint patties. You beg and beg me for them rolling around the floor of the CSV..." ...does he mean CVS? "...like a fucking money with a fork up his ass, and then when I give in and buy them for you, you go home and put 9 rubber dicks in the sink again." Rubber ducks. Rubber, it's rubber ducks. I said dicks, that was me. "I don't think the plumber is going to like this one. I don't even care anymore. This time, you're gonna have to tell them what went wrong! Last time, you made him hit the deck pretty hard. I don't wanna see any more caramel strips in your Thomas the Train VHS tapes either. Enough is enough. Learn to read and stop calling up Taco Bell asking for your wallet back. They don't have it. Devin. P.S. Arnold told me you tried to shove a bottle of drain cleaner up your ass again. For the last time, if you do it on purpose, the company won't pay you compensation."
    • This gem from episode 8
      James: "Just thought you should know that your videos have caused me to lose my penis, stretch out my asshole, and drink my own nut liquids."
    • From episode 9, which James liked because according to him, it sounded a little like a Dr. Seuss rhyme. The title of this e-mail was "I was had your pee-pee."
      "Hello, I needed your pees... like frozen pees... in a bag... you can getting thems at the stores they having lots of many pees so sending them to me... please sir I need the pees. There is being too much hair on jackie chans ass."

  • TMNT Tournament Fighters Challenge. James and Mike play a bit of the game with high stakes. The winner gets to watch the first TMNT movie, the loser has to watch the awful "Turtle Tunes". The ending is what makes it, Mike gets so tired of the video, that he stops it and starts playing Super Metroid. James finds out and tells him if he doesn't finish it, he'll have to watch Turtle Tunes three times, plus We Wish You a Turtles Christmas, the third movie, and the Coming Out Of Their Shells Tour.
  • "Movies That Rhyme", mainly for the Self-Deprecation joke at the end.
    James: Are you ready? Movies that rhyme with Jaws: Rebel Without a Cause, Applause, The Santa Clause. Movies that rhyme with Kindergarten Cop: Bus Stop, Barbershop, Operation: Dumbo Drop, American Pop, Beverly Hills Cop, Cash Crop, Over the Top. Movies that rhyme with Jurassic Park: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lois and Clark, South Park, A Shot in the Dark, Narc, Joan of Arc, Bark. Movies that rhyme with Judge Dredd: Eraserhead, King Vidoar's Our Daily Bread, Night of the Living Dead (1968), Playboy: Playmates in Bed, Drop Dead Fred, Fist Full Of Lead, Rose Red, Beavis and Butt-Head, He Said, She Said, Father Ted, Extreme Guitar Shred, Dead Ahead, Club Dread. (Beat) Wow, I just made the most pointless video ever made...
  • "Live like a windrammer as you fuck"
  • Wii Salute, where James gives personalities to the various game consoles of his youth. Among the highlights:
    • After Genesis picks on NES for not being 16-bit, NES calls on his big brother, the SNES, who tells Genesis to fuck his facehole through his ass.
    • While SNES and Genesis are bickering, Jaguar pops out and says "You thought you heard the last from Atari, you puny fools? I'm the Atari Jaguar, and I'm 64-bit!" SNES says, "You ain't 64-bit; get the fuck out of here."
    • After SNES delivers an epic Take That to Genesisnote , Genesis says that Sega's working on the Neptune.
    SNES: Oh. Well aren't you coming out with the Sega Saturn?
    Genesis: Yeah, we're hurrying it along.
    SNES: So what about the Neptune?
    Genesis: Oh, that? It's cancelled.
    SNES: Too many systems, huh?
    Genesis: Uh... fuck you.

This page has not been indexed. Please choose a satisfying and delicious index page to put it on.