"'I am the BBQ.' - someone who is the BBQ"
"Butt-dialing someone is bad enough, but you don't know real embarrassment until you've butt-murdered someone."
"You guys much younger than I am will never really know how hard it was to butt-dial people on a rotary phone."
"Well I saw ninja turtles movie. I have no jokes in me. I've only the yawning void left behind by the shit I just sat through."
"So as it turns out I'm not actually awake and that I've been in a coma most of my life and I've dreamed you all up. Wash my dream car, guys."
"My dog made it through a night without peeing her bed! I got so excited I peed all over my bed and now my dog thinks I'm disgusting."
"AMAZING NEWS FOR INVADER ZIM FANS: Just had my first ice cream Drumstick in years and it was AMAZING!
Also, ZIM is still cancelled forever."