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- What about Sam pointing out that they can probably never go public with what they discover going through the 'gate?
Jack: Guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview.
Teal'c: What is an Oprah?
- "Cold Lazarus":
- Early in her introductory episode, Hathor addresses General Hammond thusly:
Hathor: You. With the crown of marble.(beat)O'Neill: ...She might mean you, sir.
- Earlier, when Daniel recognizes Hathor:
Daniel: The Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriaty, and music.
Jack: Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll?
Daniel: Yeah, pretty much.
- Earlier, when Daniel recognizes Hathor:
- Daniel asking about Tollan communication technology:
Daniel: But the Nox are thousands of light-years away... how could a message have traveled that fast?
Omoc: (picks up stick) The distance between the ends seems far, until you do this. (bends the stick so that its opposite ends touch)
Daniel: Wait! I've heard about this. You're... you're talking about actually folding space!
Omoc: (smiles indulgently) ...no.
- Something about the delivery of that last line seems to indicate that Daniel actually got it right, and Omoc just didn't want to admit that Earth humans weren't as primitive as he wanted to think.
- From The Broca Divide we get this gem while O'Neill is locked up (and just cured from a disease that turned him into a caveman).
Col. O'Neill: [imitating Desi Arnaz] Lucy, I'm home!Teal'c: I am not Lucy.Col. O'Neill: I know that. It's a reference to an old TV—never mind, open the door.Teal'c: I will summon the doctor.Col. O'Neill: No, come on. I'm fine. I'm back to being myself. Just open up.Teal'c: I cannot be certain that you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as "Lucy."
- In The Torment of Tantalus, Ernest is so happy to see real people again that he's going around hugging everyone. Keep in mind, since he's had no one around and it's a balmy climate, he's dispensed with the need for clothing. After glomping O'Neill and Jackson, he beelines towards where Teal'c and Carter are standing. Carter hurriedly sidesteps, leaving Teal'c to get glomped by the naked old man instead.
- This gem from "The Serpent's Lair":
O'Neill: Now what?
Bra'tac: Now, we die.
O'Neill: Well, that's a bad plan.
- A classic moment from Jack during "The Gamekeeper" comes up while the Keeper is expositing about the nature of the virtual world and the "poisoned" outer world. As he's talking, Jack is shown walking up to one of the observers standing around in their black cloaks and veils and just... poking him in the shoulder, making him sway slightly. There's something ridiculously funny about the combination of curiosity and flippancy summed up in that single gesture.
- After a quite tense episode, the ending of "Bane" is quite lighthearted and funny. As thanks for looking out for him, Teal'c brings Ally, the young girl her befriended, a new squirt gun. A filled new squirt gun. Which she immediately tries on Teal'c.
Daniel: ...Guess we shouldn'ta loaded it, huh?Teal'c: [slowly puts on a pair of sunglasses] How else will she defend herself? *casually squirts Daniel with his own squirt gun*
- Especially since Teal'c describes his gift as "a new weapon, one with increased range and firepower."
- From "A Matter of Time," Jack and Col. Cromwell are listening intently to Carter's technobabble.
Sam: For some reason, the warping of our space-time is in advance of the gravity field rather than as a result of it. It's probably a lensing effect of the stargate itself, but I can't be sure.
Cromwell: (looks at Jack) Don't even pretend you understood that.
- Jack and Teal'c trading bodies in "Holiday".
O'Neill-in-Teal'c's-body: Teal'c, I'm going to go see General Hammond. Promise me you won't touch the head.
"O'Neill:" It did not go well, General Hammond."Teal'c:" Ya think?
- For that matter, most of the rest of that subplot is a CMOA for RDA and Judge: they manage to make the "Freaky Friday" Flip convincing. And it is hilarious.
- "What's that got to do with filming a plant?!"
- Most of "1969":
Interrogator: Vi sovietski spionè?
- Daniel's automatic response to being asked (in Russian) if he's a Soviet spy.
Daniel: He just asked if we were Soviet sp—... oh.
Interrogator: I'm Major Robert Thornburg... beat ...and you are?Jack: ...*cough* ...Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise.Interrogator: Your dog tags say otherwise.Jack: They're lying.Interrogator: Your American accent is very good, Mr. Kirk. Before we ship you out and hand you over to wherever it is they take spies such as yourself, I wanted a word. Your little incursion into our training facility is gonna leave an embarrassing mark on my record.Jack: Training facility?Interrogator: You don't think we'd test fire a real missile 28 floors inside a mountain, do you?Jack: Listen, you don't have the exact date-?Interrogator: What was the weapon you used?Jack: Weapon?Interrogator: Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.Jack: Oh. Well, it's hard to say...Interrogator: Some sort of state secret?Jack: No, just difficult to pronounce.Interrogator: Mister, my government doesn't take kindly to Soviet spies in its highest security facilities. And neither do I.Jack: Oh. Bob...can I call you Bob?Bob: Even though you achieved nothing.Jack: Unless that's exactly what we were trying to achieve.Bob: Kirk, you can talk to me, or you can talk to the CIA.Jack: Ooh. All right. I'll be honest with you, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.(Bob puts out his cigarette)
- There's the team returning at the end dressed for the '60s. Hammond's expression was priceless.
- The scene where Daniel and Sam went to Catherine Langford's house pretending to be German friends of her father.
- How exasperated Daniel sounds when Jack asks how they can pretend to be foreigners. "I speak 23 languages, Jack, pick one."
- Teal'c's outfit. The pink tye-dye outfit and the ridiculous fro could only have come from the rest of SG-1 deliberately getting him the craziest thing he could wear, with Teal'c totally unaware they were making fun at him.
- Jack's interrogation. Keeping in mind, this is 1969. It helps that the interrogator is being as melodramatic as possible. Plus Jack's natural talent for annoying anyone who tries to interrogate him.
Michael: So your thing, that thing, on your forehead; what's it symbolize? Peace?
- Teal'c + hippies = nothing but hilarity.
Teal'c: Slavery. To false gods.
Michael: Right on?
Michael: We're even thinking of crossing the border up to Canada.
Teal'c: For what reason?
Michael: You know, man. The war.
Teal'c: The war with Canada?
- At the very end of the episode, Hammond casually reminds Jack of the money they borrowed from him in the past — which comes to exactly five hundred and thirty-nine dollars and fifty cents, "with interest."
- The episode Touchstone gives us some pleasant conversation between Teal'c and Harry Maybourne:
Maybourne: Teal'c! It's good to see you well.Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.Maybourne: Well, isn't that...interesting.
- Don't forget Teal'c telling a joke in "Seth".
O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one: A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard, and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent Guard's eyes glow. The Horus Guard's beak glistens. The Setesh Guard's... nose drips. *bursts out in laughter... only to trail off when he sees everyone else is just staring blankly*
- Though the joke still works if you know what a Set animal looks like. Not overly impressive compared the the Serpent and Horus guards.
- Later on in "Seth", O'Neill, Carter, and Jackson are captured by the titular Goa'uld. When Seth asks them who they are, O'Neill claims that they're The Three Stooges.
Seth: Who are you?
O'Neill: Well I'm Larry. (pans to Carter) This is Moe. (pans to Daniel) And of course, everyone's favorite: Curly.
- Any time one of SG-1 has to impersonate a Goa'uld, such as Daniel claiming to be the System Lord "the great and powerful Oz" (the look Jacob/Selmak gives him sells it) and Jack demonstrating his extremely limited knowledge of the language.
- The Running Gag of nobody knowing what the all-purpose Goa'uld word "kree" actually means:
O'Neill: Okay, I have to know: just what the hell does "kree" mean?Daniel: Uhhh... actually it means a lot of things... listen up, pay attention, concentrate.O'Neill: Yoo-hoo?
- A significant portion of Daniel and the monk in "Maternal Instinct" involves the monk barely able to restrain his laughter.
Monk: Blow out the candle.Daniel leans down and does so.Monk: With your mind.
- From "Learning Curve", after Carter excitedly activates an experimental energy reactor... which causes a complete shutdown of the base's primary power systems.
Hammond: In the future Major, before you activate any device that includes the word "reactor". I would like to be informed first.
- From "Rules of Engagement", the infamous tuna torture. (I.e. Jack trying to get one of Apophis' would-be Slave Mooks to open up to him by feeding him a tuna fish sandwich.)
- "Row, row, row your boat..." "I don't even know the words to Row, row, row your boat!"
- "Isn't that hot?" "Extremely."
- "I wanna live! I want to experience the universe! And I wanna eat pie!"
- From "Crystal Skull":
O'Neill: Help me up.
Teal'c: Doctor Fraiser believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission.
O'Neill: Yeah, whatever. (gets out of bed and collapses in a heap on the floor)
Teal'c: (without changing expression) Doctor Fraiser is usually correct in such matters.
O'Neill: (muffled) Thank you.Teal'c: You are welcome, O'Neill.
- In the background, as Daniel is puzzling things out, Teal'c reaches down and lifts Jack with one hand, dumping him face down on the bed.
Rothman: Teleportation device. What do you think?Techie: I think you're going to be fired.
- When Doctor Rothman is trying to figure out the skull and asks his lab tech his opinion.
Daniel: Repeat what I'm saying: I'm standing right beside you.
- From later in the episode, when Daniel tries to communicate through his grandfather after the MacGuffin of the Week has put him out of phase:
Daniel's Grandfather: Standing right beside me.
Jack: He's lost a few pounds.
Daniel: (muttering) Jack, don't be an ass.
Daniel's Grandfather: Jack, don't be an ass.
Jack: (surprised) Daniel?
- When Daniel has resigned in "Forever in a Day", he walks into Hammond's office to hear Jack complaining about his replacement.
Jack: The kid's got two left feet. He's slowing us down!
Daniel: Déjà vu.
Jack: Déjà vu.
Daniel: Déjà vu.
- In Nemesis, when Teal'c is about to go plant some explosives on the outside of Thor's Replicator-infested ship, Jack nudges Teal'c to say something profound.
Jack: (through radio) Say something.Teal'c: One small step for Jaffa.Jack: Very nice.
- "Upgrades". Pretty much the whole episode, with highest laughs for the team's run for steak. "Big, red, juicy . . . meat."
- "Window of Opportunity"
Daniel: If you knew in advance that time was always going to go back to the way it was, then... you could do anything. For as long as you wanted without having to worry about consequences.
- Specifically, the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage. And the moment Daniel points out to them that they could get away with anything, they immediately get up and walk out of the room. Daniel's face when he realizes what he's just done is priceless.
O'Neill: (after a lengthy pause) ...'scuse me.
Teal'c: (puts down his piece of chalk, stands up, bows his head and follows Jack out of the room)
Hammond: Colonel O'Neil, what the HELL are you doing?!O'Neil: In the middle of my backswing?!
- Jack and Teal'c have set up a putting green at the bottom of the ramp and are hitting golf balls into the open Stargate. Jack is wearing the most cliche golf outfit imaginable of huge checked pants, white shirt with vest and a cap with a tassel on it. Teal'c, meanwhile, looks rather spiffy in tan slacks and polo shirt with a visor hat. The two are totally nonchalant as they note how they're hitting balls several hundred million miles across space.
- This leads to Hammon's off-screen scream.
- It's the way Jack pauses in mid-swing, stands in place, then acts like Hammond is the one being unprofessional that sells the moment.
O'Neill: (while drawing on a plate with ketchup and mustard) I'm tellin' you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way outta this soon I'm gonna lose it.
- Jack learning how to juggle while Daniel translates the same piece of text over and over. And then teaching Teal'c how to juggle. And then they juggle in sync behind his back.
- And when Colonel O'Neill is explaining to Teal'c what the phrase "lose it" means.
Teal'c: (cocks eyebrow)
O'Neill: Lose it... It means go crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo. No longer in posession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a Happy Meal. (holds up drawing of smiley face) WACKO!
Carter: Maybe he read my report.Daniel: [incredulously] Maybe he read your report?'
- And also:
(the Unscheduled Off-World Activation alarms go off, heralding the reset of the "Groundhog Day" Loop)
O'Neill: The thing that really bothers me [about starting the loop over again] is that Daniel's in the middle of asking me a question, and I wasn't paying attention the first time.
Teal'c: You are not the only one who must endure some discomfort, O'Neill.
(loop begins again; airman opens a door and hits Teal'c)
Airman: Oh, I'm so sorry sir! I didn't see you there.
Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions. Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.
- And then one of the first things he does in the "This is a time loop so you can get away with anything" montage is interrupt the airman's apology by shutting the door on him.
- When Jack first tries to prove it by repeating what Carter was about to say. Apparently Daniel finds the idea of O'Neill reading Carter's mission reports more unbelievable than time being looped and resetting everyone's memories.
- And there is the Big Damn Kiss Jack gives Carter right before the loop starts again. What's both funny and heartwarming about it is that he hands General Hammond his resignation right before he does it. Even though time is just going to reset and no one will be the wiser, Jack still has enough respect for his commanding officer and military regulations to type up a formal resignation before planting one on a fellow officer.
- Hammond's reaction really sells the funny, and the way Carter just melts in O'Neill's arms sells the heartwarming.
- O'Neill's encounter with General Ryan in "Prodigy".
Jack: General, I'd like to talk to you about this mission upon which we are about to embark. It seems...a bit ridiculous, doesn't it?Hammond: Have you met General Ryan?General Ryan: Hello, Colonel.Jack: The General Ryan, Chief of Staff?Ryan: That's right.Jack: (out of the corner of his mouth) Shouldn't there have been a memo, or something?Hammond: You were off-world.Jack: Oh, yeah. So uh...what brings you to our little secret base, sir?Ryan: That would be the "ridiculous mission" you just mentioned.Jack: (quietly) Of course....Jack: The General Ryan?Ryan: I've read a lot about you, Colonel, from General Hammond's reports.Jack: (nervously) Yes sir?Ryan: Thus far, we like your work.Jack: Thank you, sir. I like yours. Your Air Force. The Air Force. I love the Air Force.Hammond: Anything else, Colonel?Jack: No sir. ...Well actually, I'd like to know how Daniel and Carter got out of this s- (looks at General Ryan) ...very important mission.Hammond: Dr. Jackson is off-world with SG-11. Major Carter is giving a lecture at the Air Force academy in theoretical astrophysics. If you'd care to take her place...Jack: (quickly) No.Hammond: Then you're dismissed.Jack: Thank you sir. Sirs. Both of you. (leaves)Ryan: Got your hands full with that one, eh George?
- From "The Other Side"
O'Neill: So, what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.
- In "Tangent" when Jack and Teal'c are stranded in space and running low on oxygen, Jack's delirious ramblings are quite humorous.
Carter: Colonel O'Neill!
(Jack looks around, and spots Carter)
Jack: (weakly) Carter...
Carter: Yes sir.
Jack: (weakly) ...Hi...
Carter: (bemusedly) Hi sir. What's your reserve oxygen status?
Jack: Uh...I don't...I don't...what?
Carter: (slowly) What's your reserve oxygen status?
Jack: Carter, is that you?
Jack: Jacob, is that you?
- And not long after that...
Jacob: Yes it is, Jack. Now do what we tell you.
Jack: Did you know your ship's bigger than ours?
- Another moment from "Tangent", when Jack awakens Teal'c by throwing a pen at the back of his head.
- In "Point of No Return", Hammond having to keep fast-forwarding through the tape sent by Martin.
Martin: I know all about Roswell, and the Kennedy cover-ups and the...
Hammond: (fast-forwards) He goes on like that for a while.
Martin: ... and the CIA sanctioned microwave harassment and the...
Hammond: (fast-forwards) Quite a while.
Martin: ...and the lizard people!
- Teal'c greatly enjoys the vibrating bed.
- In "Prodigy", a plan requires O'Neill to be shot with a zat gun.
Teal'c: Are you ready, O'Neill?
O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
Teal'c: *pointing his zat at O'Neill* I am going to shoot you.
O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "On three". One... (Teal'c shoots him) ... Two!!...
O'Neill: General, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.
- What makes it even better is that Hammond is clearly giving serious thought to granting that request, too!
- From "Watergate":
Svetlana Markova: (to Daniel, referring to the submarine's engines burning out) If you're implying that everything Russian-built is low-quality, the sub is Swiss.
Daniel: So, it sometimes catches fire, but it keeps perfect time?
Markova: (stops what she's doing and stares at him)
Daniel: ... Sorry. I think I've been hanging around Jack O'Neill too much.
- The Brick Joke later on. Markova says that either there's something wrong, or the gauges are reading wrong. Daniel responds, "But it's Swiss!"
- These scenes are even funnier when you realize that Svetlana Markova is played by Marina Sirtis, aka Deanna Troy from Star Trek TNG, with a hillariously bad Russian accent.
- In an early episode, during a medical emergency, Dr. Frasier suddenly begins issuing orders all over the place, despite Hammond being in the room:
O'Neill: Who put her in charge?
Hammond: The United States Air Force.
Teal'c': In the event of a medical emergency, Dr. Frasier has authority.
- Teal'c again, when talking to Tanith, a known Goa'uld spy among the Tok'ra:
Tanith: Why have I been left out of such important discussions?
Teal'c: (matter-of-factly) The Tok'ra did not wish Apophis to be informed.
- From '2010', after Jack shows up out of the blue on the tour, indicating that he's going to help with the teams crazy plan, he decides to mock the... overenthusiastic tour guide.
O'Neill: And we're walking.
- In "Threshold", when dealing with a Brainwashed and Crazy Teal'c, Daniel gets interrupted by Teal'c having a flashback.
Teal'c: Do not test my patience, woman!
* After a flashback with Teal'c and his wife, we return to the present*
Daniel: ...Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
- The subversion of It Has Been an Honor in "Fail Safe", when Jack's cutting the wires on the damaged nuke.
Jack: I'd like to take this opportunity to say... that this is a very poorly designed bomb, and I think we should say something to somebody about it when we get back.
Webber: You have to admit it performed beautifully... right up to the point where you and Teal'c were sent into... deep space.
- Whilst fixing the Teltak, the murderous look everyone gives the engineering team, after they find out they were responsible for constructing the X-301 that nearly killed Jack and Teal'c in "Tangent".
Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.
- When Sam is briefing them about the asteroid Jack leans over to Daniel and says:
Jack O'Neill: Ok... this was not in the movie...
- Later, when they find out that blowing up the asteroid would destroy Earth:
Jack O'Neil: Carter! I can see my house!
- They save the day by opening up a hyperspace window insanely close to Earth to fly the asteroid through:
- Daniel Jackson in the episode "The Sentinel".
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Daniel: (holds up a knife) Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
- No doubt a Call-Back to the above-mentioned "Window of Opportunity".
Daniel Jackson: (raising his hand) Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Okay... Bad example.
- At DragonCon '06, a question is popped: "If you could play any other role on Stargate who would you be?"
(as part of a training scenario for new recruits, Daniel is occupying Hammond's office)
- Made even better by Torri Higginson having a Spit-Take in the background as he says it.
- And apparently his character agrees, because when he cameos in season 8 he takes the chair with him when he leaves.
- Daniel also agrees;
Daniel: (sitting in Hammond's chair) Oh, I have to tell you, I like this scenario way better than the last one. Have you tried this chair? This is like... really comfortable. (pounds the chair's arm to prove it)
- On a similar Hammond note, the fact that Bra'tac remembered Jack O'Neill's joking gesture about his superior, General Hammond. Every single time Master Bra'tac greets Hammond, he calls him "Hammond of Texas" and holds a hand over the side of his head, pointing out Hammond's Bald of Awesome. Hammond definitely notices, but he respectfully never says a word.
- In "2001", when they start to worry that the Aschen might be the race warned about in a vague note from the Bad Future in "2010", Jack suggests when the time comes for him to send his own note, he's going to be a lot more detailed. Carter comments that he was probably intentionally vague because he was trying to prevent any accidental causality paradoxes. Cue Jack's look of irritation when he realizes who most likely suggested that!
- "Desperate Measures."
- When Carter is kidnapped by the men in black, the reaction of the old hobo watching is perfect.
- "Wormhole X-Treme".
- Particularly the special at the end: "What do you mean it's not a real show?!"
- "I'm getting paid in real money, right?"
- Particularly the special at the end: "What do you mean it's not a real show?!"
- "Go suck a lemon" (said to a character who not long before mentioned having a lethal allergy to citrus).
- And what prompted this retort? The insufferable know-it-all Jerk Ass saying to Major Carter that "I've always had a thing for dumb blondes."
- "The Russians are coming."
- Or how about the time when Daniel was talking about how a robot girl's "attention wanders, it's like she has the mind of a child," while Jack is making faces through a magnifying glass in the background.
- In "Revelations", Heimdall rolling his eyes at Jack's comment that their being clones "explains a few things" and his honest irritation after explaining that the Asgard lost the ability to reproduce sexually millennia ago, Jack's first question is to wonder what it's like going 1000 years without getting any.
Heimdall: For the past thousand years, the Asgard have been incapable of reproduction through cellular meiosis.
Carter: Sexual reproduction, sir.
Jack: Ah... a thousand years?
Heimdall: It is not something we usually discuss with other intelligent species.
Jack: This I understand.
- Talking about Anubis' latest plan to be evil:
Rodney McKay: Now that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you"! Then the 'gate shuts down. "Oops, sorry, never mind."
Rodney McKay: Yeah, hey, Anubis, this is your agent. You're playing it way over the top, could you get serious, please?
- Then, later on,
- When General Hammond tells Jack that they are going to put a Russian officer on SG-1:
Jack: Over my rotting corpse.
Jack: I'm sorry, sir, did I just say that out loud?
Hammond: I told him you'd give it careful consideration.
Jack: And that I will, Sir. But I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna say... bite me.
- The scene where Jonas Quinn accidentally convinces Teal'c that he wants to take over the world. "No. No conspiracy. I promise." Almost immediately followed by him reaching into his jacket, very ominously, and pulling out... a banana. It's Jonas.
- The Hypocritical Humor example on the main page mentions the Chinese ambassador in "Disclosure" saying that China "Does not believe in keeping secrets from its people". The look Russian Air Force Colonel Chekov gives him is priceless, especially when you consider that Chekov grew up in the Soviet era.
- In Full Circle, Jack's reaction to Daniel showing up in the elevator and dumping exposition on him is hilarious.
(elevator stops, Jack picks up the phone, which isn't working)Daniel: (offscreen) Jack.(Jack pauses and looks at the receiver for the phone)Daniel: Jack.(Jack turns around, sees Daniel)Daniel: Hi, Jack.(Jack looks at Daniel skeptically)Daniel: Jack, Abydos is in trouble. Anubis is on his way. He's after the Eye of Ra. I have that replica Catherine gave me, it looks like this. Now, I'm pretty sure the real one is located in some secret in Ra's pyramid on Abydos, but I'm not sure where, exactly. According to legend, there were six Eyes, including those held by Apophis, Osiris, and Tiamat, among others. Each is powerful on its own, and if you use them in combination it increases that power tenfold. Recently, Anubis has managed to track down five of the six Eyes, and only needs Ra's to complete the set. He's looked everywhere Ra used to hang out except Abydos. Now he's on his way there.Jack: I was sure that was an Aspirin I took this morning.Daniel: Jack, it's really me. It's me! You have to help! You have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. I mean, keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever. It doesn't matter, we don't have much time.Jack: Hey Daniel, how you doing? Long time. How are things in the higher planes?Daniel: (turns around for a second, then turns back) Hey Jack, long time no see! How you doing?Jack: Fine, just fine.Daniel: The knees, back?Jack: Oh, you know, kinda weather contingent, actuallyDaniel: Right right right right. So what's new?Jack: Um, actually, a funny thing happened to me. Today, um...I'm riding an elevator, and an old friend of mine, someone who never calls, never writes, just shows up and tells me all about this very important and apparently urgent mission that needs my attention.Daniel: You gonna help, or...?Jack: No wait, let me tell it, it's good. You see, this buddy of mine, this pal, this chum, has... ascended... to a whole new level of existence. Do you see the irony? He's asking for my help, and he's this great and powerful being.Daniel: Jack, we've already been through this, I can't actually do anything.
- From the Season 6 episode "Unnatural Selection":
Carter: So what didn't they go for?
O'Neill: The name I suggested.
Carter: For the ship?
Carter: Yeah. Sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.
O'Neill: Why not?
- "Unnatural Selection":
- O'Neill tries to get a bite of Teal'c's ice cream only to have Teal'c defensively pull away the ice cream, glare, and maintain eye contact while getting a new carton for O'Neill. Later in the same scene Teal'c decides he wants O'Neill's ice cream so he wordlessly exchanges their cartons.
- "The Other Guys", full stop.
Felger: I brought Coombs with me!
- Especially O'Neill's reaction to Felger & Coombs' "rescue".
O'Neill:: (staring in disbelief) Look everybody, he brought Coombs with him!
Felger: Don't panic! Just think... what would Colonel O'Neill do in this situation?
- Felger and Coombs arguing with each other:
Coombs: You want me to shoot you?
Her'ak: This is nothing compared to what Anubis is capable of!
- Future First Prime to Anubis Her'ak and O'Neill give us this immortal exchange.
O'Neill: (lying on the floor, in pain) You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!
- When Felger and Coombs arrive aboard a Goa'uld ring platform, Felger immediately raises his gun, ducks his head, covers his eyes with his other arm, then slowly turns in a circle while blindly emptying his gun at absolutely nothing.
- As everyone escapes through the Stargate, O'Neill is the last through. He gives a wry smile and a shrug, emoting "Better Luck Next Time" to Herak... and then a staff weapon blast hits a little too close for comfort, sending O'Neill scrambling through the gate himself.
- O'Neill and a nomad elder having a pithy-saying competition:
Villager: They say they are friends.
Elder: "No-one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust him."
O'Neill: "Don't judge a book by its cover."
Elder: "Enemies promises were made to be broken."
O'Neill: And yet, "honesty is the best policy."
Elder: "He that has too many friends has none!"
O'Neill: Ah, but... "birds of a feather."
Elder: I'm unfamiliar with that story. What lesson does it teach?
O'Neill: It has to do with flocking. And... togetherness... and... to be honest, I'm not sure of the particulars myself.
O'Neill: Haven't any of you guys heard the Story of the Dog and the Dancing Monkeys?
- Later in the episode, when O'Neill is fed up with a group of squabbling political leaders, he recalls his talks with the nomad elder:
Politicians: *looks of pure bewilderment*
- Jack's comments on The Plan in "Fallen":
Jack: Everyone who thinks this is absolutely an insane plan, raise your hands. Come, on, get 'em up.(Everyone in the room raises their hands, including Sam, who came up with it.)Hammond: Keep those hands raised, people, because the next question is, who's going to make this happen?(a little later)Jack: I just wanna state, for the record, that this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
Sam: Wackier than strapping a stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Jack: Oh yeah.
Sam: Wackier than blowing up a sun???
Jack: (walking out of the room) Yep!
Sam: (considers for a moment) He's probably right.
- "Fragile Balance":
Loki: I was stripped of my stature after I was caught performing unsanctioned experiments on humans.
O'Neill: What, you've got sanctioned ones?
- To Daniel's surprise, General Hammond believes Daniel's claim that he has intelligence information from a dream
Hammond: The things I've heard sitting in this chair...
- The teaser of "Avenger 2.0" is possibly the Crowning Moment of Funny for season seven. Jay Felger attempts to demonstrate a beam weapon he developed. It starts to charge up, everybody gets expectant looks, then huge showers of sparks fly from it. Power goes out all over the base. Felger basically looks at General Hammond and says that's not supposed to happen. This troper spent the entirety of the credits sequence howling with laughter.
- A bit of black but definitely still funny scene from Lifeboat.
(counting bodies in stasis on a crashed spaceship).Jack 4...5...6..(Sees a dried out corpse in one whose life support apparently failed)Jack (stares for a second) ...6,5...
- Daniel imitating a ship to make the Unas understand how the Goa'uld can attack. Made doubly hilarious if you remember him doing the same thing on Abydos in the original movie... with a chicken. (That was a CMOF in its own right).
- The fact that Chakka, Daniel's Unas friend, gives him an incredulous "What the hell are you doing?" look as he does this never fails to elicit laughter.
- At the start of "Chimera", Sam's humming the show's theme.
Jack: Hey Daniel. Daniel! You sleeping yet?Daniel: (awake and looking at the surveillance camera) Yes Jack, I am fast asleep.
- Later in the episode, SG-1 has a stakeout of Daniel's house to keep tabs on Osiris while Daniel's asleep.
- From "Space Race", anything to do with Jarlath, his childlike petulance makes him almost adorable.
Jarlath's Computer: (in a ridiculously cheery female voice) This is an automated distress signal. The following pilot:Jarlath: (in a totally "not" cheerful, deadpan tone) Jarlath.Jarlath's Computer: Is in need of assistance, current status is:Jarlath: Dying, rotting scrap of jetsam!
Jarlath: I am not coming up their!
- When Carter and Warrick dock with his ship and open the hatch, they find him sitting at the bottom of the ladder, pouting.
- Colonel Jack O'Neill is all about helping people. What makes it even better is the way it sounds like Anderson improvised that line, between stepping on Daniel's dialogue and Sam's uncharacteristic reaction.
- Teal'c gets interviewed. ("Heroes")
- At the end of "Evolution": Daniel's been shot in the leg and is leaning on a crutch. They're discussing the sarcophagus-like artifact that just made one baddie nuts and reanimated the other's dead corpse, but is apparently deactivated now. Knowing what Daniel knows about sarcophagus addiction, it's understandable how he reacts:
Lee: At least, we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore, so...
Daniel: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore, it shouldn't... be on anymore.
Lee: Do you want to hold it?
Daniel: (too fast) No.
(Daniel hops two steps to the side just to get a little farther away)
- "Heroes, part 1"
Col. Dixon: I don't see any indication of anything here.
- The scene where SG-13 walks through the Stargate onto yet another foresty planet.
Dr. Balinsky: Take the usual bet on that, sir?
Col. Dixon: Sure. Wells?
Airman Wells: An abandoned naquadah mine.
Col. Dixon: Boring. Good odds. Bosworth?
Bosworth: I'm gonna put my money on trees, sir.
Col. Dixon: Bosworth's disqualified for being a smartass. I'll go with two-headed aliens.
Airman Wells: Hostile or friendly, sir?
Col. Dixon: One head good, one head bad. Balinsky?
Dr. Balinsky: Ruins of an ancient city.
Col. Dixon: Yeah, you wish.
Balinsky: Dr. Jackson's going to die when he sees this!
- It didn't hurt having Col. Dixon played by Adam Baldwin.
- Followed by the immortal line:
Col. Dixon: What, again?
- Daniel trying to convince Jack that he's subconsciously leading them to the lost city.
Daniel: "Sphere" — planet! "Label" — name!
Jack: Following — still — you — not!
- When Daniel explains his reasoning Carter remains skeptical because while Jack may well be filling in crossword clues with Ancient Stargate addresses, he also answered "celestial body" with "Uma Thurman" and "the atomic weight of boron" with "fat". Ah, Jack.
- One episode has the group in O'Neill's house drinking beer. While Daniel balances an orange on his beer bottle, Jack explains how The Simpsons are a perfect analogy to the SGC (Burns as Goa'uld). When Teal'c responds skeptically...
Jack: You're so shallow.
Daniel: Oh, please, Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's... SO deep. (to Teal'c) Go ahead, tell 'em how deep you are. (to Jack) You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: (pause) My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Daniel: Ooooh, ya see?!
O'Neill: Okay, no more beer for you.
- O'Neill after hearing about an attack planned by Anubis.
O'Neill: Three days from now? That's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us.
- Daniel briefing Weir prior to negotiating a treaty with the System Lords:
- O'Neill getting an "administrative assistant" early into his job as Commander of the SGC.
- In the same episode, O'Neill repeatedly taunts Ba'al and refers to the (former) System Lord Camulus as "Camel-ass"
- In "Avatar", some of Teal'c deaths in the simulation are rife with Black Comedy. The best has to be when Teal'c finds a dying O'Neill in the gate room. As he's listening to O'Neill's dying words, a drone casually walks in behind him, backhands an Air Force SF so hard the man does a back flip, then shoots Teal'c in the back. Teal'c just pauses for a second then, without changing expression, keels over.
- Teal'c explains Jaffa divorce customs in "Affinity":
Teal'c: If a dispute between a Jaffa and his wife cannot be settled, it necessitates a pledge break. It must be offered by one and accepted by the other.
Daniel: And if even that is refused?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.
- In "Sacrifices", the Ha'ktyl evacuate to the SGC because their planet's security may be compromised. Meaning that Jack and Sam have to dodge a freaking horse in the corridor.
- Poor Bra'tac's exasperation during the first (botched) wedding ceremony. It's easy to get the impression he'd rather be battling Anubis's super soldiers. "I see now why these things must be rehearsed..." He then proceeds to take a sip from the ceremonial wine.
- "Prometheus Unbound"
Daniel: Well, you kept the wrong guy, because I really don't know anything about the ship.
- The Reveal that Vala Is a Girl. Must be seen to be believed. A masculine Goa'uld super-soldier hitting on Daniel. It turns out to be Vala, but for that minute when Daniel didn't know that, we couldn't stop laughing.
Kull Warrior: But you are very attractive.
Daniel: (coughs) ...What?... Hey, you know, big guy, I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours.
Vala: Whatever happens, I just want you to know that...
- The fight between Daniel and Vala is hilarious as well. Vala smacking Daniel with a fire extinguisher!
- Daniel and Vala arguing with each other while she's in Prometheus's brig.
- In that same episode is this exchange:
Daniel: (stuns her)
- Daniel attempts improvisation again, trying to pass himself off as a bounty hunter.
- "Reckoning, Pt.1
O'Neill: I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.Ba'al: Impudence!O'Neill: No, tuna.
- The entire O'Neill/Ba'al exchange. It's the little things that make it so great, from the normally calm and composed Ba'al getting visibly angrier and angrier throughout to Jacob's weary disbelief, like he half-expected it but still can't believe he's hearing it.
- O'Neill continuing to deliberately piss off Ba'al throughout the episode:
- Pretty much any time Jack O'Neill and Harry Maybourne have to work together, Hilarity Ensues. There's this bit from "It's Good To Be King":
Maybourne: Congratulations. You made General.
O'Neill: You made King.
Maybourne: (false modesty) Yeah... well, it's not a contest...
Maybourne: I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.
- A bit before that, when Maybourne renames the Ojen Fruit as the Guango (like a Guava and a Mango) on Daniel's suggestion, almost everyone immediately applauds.
- Then later, on the same theme.
Maybourne: I can't leave my home, my friends, my wives...Carter: Wives?*Maybourne smirks and glances at the pretty young women behind him*
- And at the end.
O'Neill: Wives. *Maybourne continues smirking, O'Neill shakes his head and walks through the gate*
- A moment after that.
- During the huge battle with the Replicators in Season 8, the SGC is evacuating, but Syler and some other guys get trapped behind a blast door. So O'Neill and several other soldiers go to rescue them:
*soldier puts a explosive charge on the door*O'Neill: Use two of those things.Soldier: What!?O'Neill: It's a blast door. *shouts* Syler, get behind something!*Epic Explosion*Syler: ...Wow.O'Neill: I expect to be put in your will for this!Syler: Already are, sir!O'Neill: Okay, that's... weird. Let's go!
- Ba'al is usually pretty good for a laugh, such as when cooperating with Carter and Jacob/Selmak to defeat the Replicators. They are trying to figure out how to arrange a control panel to do so:
Ba'al: *points* That one.
Jacob: And how would you know?
Ba'al: *shrugs* I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.note
*Jacob presses the switch, which does indeed get them closer to their goal*
Jacob: *glaring* Lucky guess.
Ba'al: Now this one.
- Then later:
*Jacob presses it, it takes them further from their goal*
Jacob: All-knowing, huh?
- That one frozen Replicator from "Reckoning" that falls down when Daniel stops them all.
- Also funny from that scene: most everyone just stops and stares in confusion when the Replicators suddenly halt in their tracks. But not Jack, who just says "Huh. Weird." and continues shooting.
- Daniel's complete nonchalance in "Mobius".
Daniel: Where am I?
Alternate Jack: Ancient Egypt.
Daniel: I mean the other me.
Alternate Teal'c: I killed you.
Alternate Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld.
Daniel: Oh. Good reason.
Daniel: I swore I mentioned it on the tape!
- Alternate Sam and Alternate Daniel in general. Sam is unexpectedly dorky in the new timeline, while Daniel returns to being the same nerd he was in the film and beginning of the series.
- Everyone giving Daniel hell for not mentioning that the Puddle Jumper came with a cloaking device.
Jack: Ah, close enough.
- During the ending, Jack's confusion how they acquired the ZPM without actually doing anything, (this time around), followed by his reaction to learning that his pond shouldn't have fish in it.
- The montage of Colonel Mitchell interviewing overeager candidates for SG-1 in "Avalon" is pretty funny. Mitchell just wants to get the old team back together and has zero patience for the (admittedly very accomplished) batch of applicants.
- The one officer doing push-ups, during his interview.
- Vala finding the treasure in "Avalon". In fact, many of Vala's scenes in that episode. "I like your outfit." "Isn't this where I beat you up?" "I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex!"
Vala: (to the two guards who accompanied her through the gate) We all had fun searching each other, didn't we boys. (both guards look at their feet embarrassed)
- Even the SGC guards are not spared her sharp wit.
- In "Avalon Part 1", Vala's reintroduction and her casual trolling of the base personnel;
Vala: I could have come by ship but I know nothing about your fair planet...(Notices Daniel and Cameron's physical resemblance)Vala: ...Aside from the fact it has an interesting, if rather very limited gene pool.(Daniel and Cameron then look up at her confused, then to each other, then back to her)
- From Episode 6: "Beachead", Nerus, a Goa'uld inventor, is amazed when he tries grapes:
Nerus: Mmm! No seeds! How is that possible?!Nerus: That's impossible, but delicious!
- There's a scene in "Ripple Effect" where Asgard scientist Kvasir expounds upon the merits of courage in SG-1's upcoming mission... followed by an abrupt "Good luck" and beaming off the bridge. Daniel comments, "I miss Thor."
- The team's reaction to Vala's spontaneous pregnancy while lost in Ori space.
Vala: Have you ever heard of anything like that?
Mitchell: There is...one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really? How did that turn out?
[Teal'c starts to answer, is interrupted by Mitchell]
Mitchell: Well, actually, I was thinking about King Arthur.
- When one of the team has to pose as a drug dealer, Mitchell immediately discounts the others as credible actors for this role, including Carter:
Mitchell: Oh, please, Mary Poppins is not even in the running!
- This exchange is now available as a YTMND here.
- The episode where the Ori are preparing to use a Stargate to open a blackhole and power a Supergate. The team brings through the "gate-buster" super nuke, to find a Prior standing there, praying aloud.
Mitchell: I am legally required to inform you that this is a naquadriah-enhanced nuclear explosive device. Once we retreat through the gate, it will detonate, completely vaporizing anything within a thousand kilometers.
(the Prior continues praying)
Mitchell: ...sir, you are aware that you are within a thousand kilometers of this device?
- The teaser for "Crusade", where Vala is inexplicably revealed to be very much alive, heavily pregnant and casually strolling through the base, before entering a crowded men's locker room to find Mitchell, whilst enjoying the scenery. Only then do we get the The Reveal that she's currently inhabiting the body of Daniel.
- Made infinitely funnier because Michael Shanks plays Vala!Daniel as if it were "Sassy Gay Daniel".
- In "Camelot", the Running Gag of Daniel attempting in vain to explain to medieval villagers that there is no such thing as magic, only to get beamed up in front of them. After this happens for the second time;
Daniel: Boy, my timing is off today!
- Cam taking Sheppard's advice and keeping Mc Kay in line by waving a lemon in his face.
- Vala gets officially put on the team in "Morpheus" - and to save face about falling for Woolsey's (fake) offer to be a spy in SG-1, immediately starts Trolling him about having made unwanted sexual advances. Poor Woolsey is left spluttering about how he'd never do such a thing while SG-1 themselves try not to crack up.
- Their reactions in the background are pretty good too - Teal'c is seen smiling warmly throughout, while Carter's smile looks to be teeth gritted so hard they're about to shatter. Daniel for his part looks like he's hit his own personal hell for a lot of it.
- Cam's poorly judged metaphor about Daniel's excitement at the chance to get at a whole bunch of ancient reference material on Merlin and Landry's response at the start of "Uninvited."
Cam: Happy as a fat kid in a candy store.Landry: I was a big boy, I don't appreciate comments like that.
Cam: Sir, you are a powerful Air Force General. You could order a chopper up here to collect us.Landry: We don't use helicopters for that sort of thing, Colonel. [Beat] Besides, I already checked, there wasn't one.
- Later that episode, after the storm has washed out the road.
- And after that, Landry imitating a duck's mating call as part of a none too subtle attempt to coerce Cam into going bird-watching with him, while the latter looks like he's dying on the inside.
- Daniel in "Bad Guys" — they're supposed to be holding people hostage, and Daniel's pretending to be the leader.
Daniel: Take as much time as you need, run things through proper channels. We're in no rush.
Negotiator (shocked) I'm sure the hostages would disagree with you.
Daniel: Why? We're not gonna hurt them. (sees Teal'c staring at him) ...Unless you get cute! In which case there's gonna be, uh, killing and... whatnot. (Teal'c rolls his eyes)
Teal'c: Please remain calm, while we try to rectify this most unfortunate circumstance.
- Followed by Daniel losing his cool when two female hostages start fighting over one sleeping with the other's guy. 'Tis hilarious. Daniel's attitude in that episode in general is just hilarious.
Daniel: What the hell are you doing?! STOP IT!
Girl 1: She started it.
Girl 2: I think you started it when you kissed Heren.
Daniel: Shut up! Shut up! You're hostages! This is like a- a life-or-death situation here! Start acting like it.
Girl 2: Oh please! You're not rebels. We're not deaf, you know! Everyone in this room knows it!
Daniel: That doesn't matter! You're hostages! We're your... we're your captors! We're heavily armed! There's rules! There's a whole school of etiquette to this!
(Girl 2 stares at him)
Daniel: Don't eyeball me.
- Teal'c zats a politician contemplating escape, then has this to say to the others:
Vala: There's a 70% chance that we'll be able to make a connection, and a 50% chance that the bomb will go off.Mitchell: That's 120%.Vala: Yes, well there's some overlap where we make a connection and the bomb goes off.Mitchell: (Over radio) Jackson, you get all that?Daniel: Yeah, a 100% chance we should have brought someone who knows what they're doing.
- When Vala tells Mitchell what could happen when they dial the gate using a naquadah bomb as a power source.
- Followed by Daniel losing his cool when two female hostages start fighting over one sleeping with the other's guy. 'Tis hilarious. Daniel's attitude in that episode in general is just hilarious.
- More Teal'c:
Ba'al: It's my clones. They want to kill me!
Teal'c: (deadpan) That would make all of us.
- In "The Quest, Pt 2", when SG-1 (plus a few others) are being chased by a dragon, which Daniel believes can be defeated by "knowing its secret name."
Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, just start guessing?
Vala: Darryl... the Dragon...
Mitchell: How 'bout "Smokey"?
Teal'c: Perhaps... "Puff".
Daniel: (annoyed) Would you just give me a minute?
- Then Mitchell hatches a plan to kill the dragon by trying to throw a block of C-4 under it, claiming "that's where it's weakest," as if he's an expert on dragons.
- Follow that up with Teal'c making the toss, and the dragon catching and swallowing the C-4 instead. When it explodes inside the dragon, apparently causing nothing more than an urpy tummy, Teal'c is left standing dumbstruck in front of it, eyes slightly wide and visibly gulping. (And if you've watched him for the nine and a half years prior, you know why that reaction is hysterical.)
- Teal'c accidentally attending "Vagina Monologues". The sheer unexpectedness of scene, and the look on Teal'c's face, was just hilarious.
- The episode "200". EVERY.DAMN.SCENE!
- Vala pretending to be Mitchell's date while visiting his parents. She accidentally implies they live together, then decides to go all in:
Vala: Well, I mean at first it was just sex, sex, sex, in all rooms of the house at all times of the day! But uh, well, once we got a chance to get to know each other, we formed a deeper connection.Mitchell returns while his parents are still speechless; his father gives him a "you dog" look.
- Many of the conversations between O'Neill and the various Goa'uld count as this.
Ba'al: You dare mock me?!
O'Neill: Ba'al, you know me. Of course I dare mock you.