Funny: Late Night
From the Conan O'Brien era:
- The "schizophrenic reactions" from the audience, whenever Conan told a joke that got a negative reaction...followed by applause.
- "Yay boo, yay boo, it's lots of fun to do; if you like something, you holler "yay!", and if you don't, you holler "boo!""
- In the segment where he tried to beat his ring spinning record, he hyped up the crowd beforehand:
Conan: Hey! Can we do this? YES, WE, CAN!........ That's a new low for me. (audience and Conan both laugh) Oh, I'm a bad guy.
- In the Triumph sketch where Triumph visits Quebec, he and a (real) female dog have dinner at a fancy restaurant. At one point, dinner was served and Triumph took a "bite" of meat, but since a puppet can't eat food, Triumph merely spit it out, exclaimed "Oh my GOD!" in disgust and flung the meat to the floor.
- The "If They Mated" where David Gest and Liza Minnelli were said to be dating. The audience groaned in disgust at the before pictures, which made Conan laugh hysterically. It took him three tries before he could show the punchline.
Conan: People can't handle the "before" picture! That's never happened! That's never happened!
- Speaking of "If They Mated", after hearing the jingle one time, Conan remarked, "That sucks.", and stated they have to change it because he can't hear it anymore.
- The "Late Night Create Your Own Commercial Contest" run in general, but particularly these entries:
- A guy having sex with a blow-up doll: "Watch Late Night: It'll get you laid"
- "I NEED MY CONIE CONE!!!!" "It's almost as much fun as riding a PIG!" (Conan mistook the commercial for a death threat)
- "GO DIZZ, GO!"
- The "Walker, Texas Ranger lever" in general. But particularly these clips:
"Saddam": ...What the hell was that?!
- Clip of Walker beating up some bad guys in a nursing home. Conan comments: "That is my favorite episode of Walker: He goes into a nursing home and beats the crap out of everyone."
- "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian punch?" (slams character's head into a punch bowl)
- A young boy: "Walker told me I have AIDS."
- A woman falls off a building, with repeated shots of Walker, James, and a female policeman reacting to it. Conan is baffled how that's supposed to be a good action sequence, since they just watch her fall for "forty minutes".
- A hoodlum kicks a pigeon in front of a senior citizen. Conan is horrified. "That's a BAD GUY!"
- A villain taunts a hanging Walker by asking him if he wants some water. Walker kicks the thug down, gets free from the rope, grabs the guy's water bottle, and chugs the whole bottle. "Don't mind if I do."
- A woman hijacks a plane, and says they're going to the Cayman Islands. Walker reveals himself from behind a chair, grabbing her wrist. He tells her, "You're goin' to jail first, honey. Then you can go to the Cayman Islands." Then he tells the pilot, "Tie her up and gag her."
- A villain exits a room, and is kicked in the face by Walker. Conan observes: "Wait a minute... the leg was coming from down here! Is Walker in a hole upside down?! I don't think Chuck Norris is around for 50% of the filming of the show; I think they just have a leg on a stick."
- After a fight scene featuring a bunch of beefy villains, Conan observes that Walker only seems to fight fat people.
- A boy is on top of a ladder, and his father tells him to jump and he'll catch him. The boy jumps, but the father steps out of the way and lets the kid hit the ground. This clip horrified Conan, who clutched his head in mock pain and laid down on the couch. "He let that kid hit the ground! That's the most disturbing video I've ever seen. AND I'VE SEEN IT ALL."
- Walker bursts into a bar and quickly asks, "Where's Candy Delight?" The owner asks, "Candy who?" Walker replies, "Candy... (punches the guy in the face) ...Delight." Conan commented, "Wha?? That was completely unreasonable! That guy didn't hear you! "LookinforCandyDelight!" "Who?" "I said BAM!!!" Conan went on to say that's why old people don't watch Walker.
- After a particularly good clip of a character slowly wheeling into a pool, Conan said he was going to stop there for the night. But the audience demanded more, so later in the episode, he pulled the lever again. The next clip was a sports montage of Walker competing in an event while a cheesy rock song played note . After the clip ended, Conan reprimanded the audience: "What did I tell you?! We got greedy, we went back for more, and we got the worst musical montage I've ever seen."
- A thug holding up a store forces a woman to sing "99 Bottles of Beer" with him. Except he's not really "singing" so much as shouting the lyrics while the frightened woman joins him.
- After the clip, Conan asks the director if he can have a looped clip of one of the criminals shooting his gun into the air for his own amusement.
- A character says, "Y'know, there's a lot of people out there that really need the martial arts." Another character replies, "That's not the only thing they need..." and pulls out a Bible. Conan, puzzled, merely says, "....Okay."
- Clip is of a guy invading a class and Walker, who's sitting with the students, saves the day. Conan likes the clips but is always confused about the context: "As near as I can figure it, Walker just happened to be taking a home finance course, (audience laughs) he's just sitting there when a crazed man in a ski mask comes in. BAD classroom to pick, that's what I say."note
- Walker and James are fighting a thug, but a woman comes out of nowhere and takes care of the guy for them, then runs off before they can say anything. James asks, "Who was that?" Walker replies, "I don't know." Conan immediately remarked, "Well go after her!" And added: "Who was that? I don't know, I guess we'll never know." He also thought they'd easily be able to catch her because she was wearing high heels.
- A character is speaking with an Irish accent, and Conan declares that his fake Irish accent is more believable than his. Conan then does his over-the-top leprechaun voice.
- A clip of Walker staring down a wolf in the wilderness; despite the wolf's ferocity, Walker is able to calm it down by channeling the spirit of a wolf through himself. This culminated with an image of a wolf howling superimposed over the footage. After the clip finished, Conan and his "live via satellite" special guest Saddam Hussein both had their mouths hanging wide open.
- After Trivette's car is submerged in water during a mission, Walker, Trivette, and C.D. examine the damage after the fact; C.D. is optimistic: "A little paint here, a little paint there..." Then Walker opens the car door and a bunch of water and fish empty out. Walker says he brought dinner, while he and C.D. have a laugh at Trivette's expense and some cheesy punchline music plays. After the clip, Conan is silent for a few seconds while the audience laughs, and finally Conan speaks up, apologizing for the clip he just showed.
- Alex Cahill tells Walker, "This potato salad is wonderful." Conan remarked that they should've put "TO BE CONTINUED" after that line.
- C.D. is roughed up by some bad guys, but keeps taunting them even as he's beaten up. Conan, who's obviously never seen the show, remarks, "That old chef is tough!......Wha- who's he?? (laughs)"
- Walker and Trivette beat up some goons in a bar, and after they're done, Walker tells them, "All right, get out of here." Conan remarked, ""Get out of here"?! They're dead!"
- Before Conan even started the segment in one episode, a guy from the audience yelled "Pull the lever!" Conan laughed and commented how, taken out of context, someone yelling "Pull the lever" could be upsetting to home viewers.
- Similarly, in another episode, after showing one clip, a woman from the audience yelled "Pull it again!" Conan asked, "What was that?" She repeated: "Pull it again!" Conan happily obliged.
- Often times the set-up to Conan pulling the lever is just as funny as the clips themselves. Conan will pretend to "move on" to another sketch but he'll interrupt his own sentence and quickly pull the lever for another clip. And in one instance, he said, "Like I said, we got a lot to do, no time to waste." and morosely stared into the camera for a long time, prompting audience applause/cheering. Finally, he pulled the lever again.
- Due to the cold snap in early 2008, Conan wanted to warm everybody up, so he brought Vomiting Kermit in to vomit up hot chocolate. Soon after, he brought out the Masturbating Bear to dispense whip cream, though to the audience's disappointment, he merely sprayed it from a can, not "creaming" in their cups. But the Masturbating Bear soon did what he does best, causing Vomiting Kermit to throw up some more. Even after Conan told the Bear to stop, Kermit spurted a bit of vomit.
Conan: The frog- Kermit just keeps going! There's just a little more left...
(after a brief pause, Kermit spurts a little more vomit, causing Conan to laugh hard)
Conan: Wow, all right! (Beat) Come on, I got twenty bucks-
(Kermit vomits some more)
Conan: It's gotta stop. (...) All right, we gotta get moving. We have other things to accomplish! Dr. Phil is leaving right now. (in Southern accent) "What the hell kind of show is this? I'm outta here!"
- Triumph at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, which was so funny, he returned two more times.
Triumph: Here we have a dachschund, the only dog that's actually shaped like poop.
- In an early 2009 episode, a woman commenting on Barack Obama's first couple weeks in office:
Woman: I still don't have health care; what's he doing? Sitting on his ass?!
- In one of the 2008 "Writer's Strike" episodes, Conan decided to move his desk to the back row of the audience, and poked fun at the guys sitting in front of him. He then wanted to crowdsurf, but NBC wouldn't let him, so he did the next best thing: He got out a dummy replica of himself and let it loose in the crowd. Very quickly, the dummy took some abuse as it surfed through the crowd ("For God's sakes, you're tearing him apart! Someone help Conan, he's being killed!"), eventually being dropped to the floor.
- In October '96, Conan and Andy checked out Bob Dole's campaign website (dolekemp96.org). Every time Conan clicked to a new link, a voice byte saying "Dole!" played. The links on his website included a photo of Dole snowboarding, Dole rating the women of Friends, hemp for sale, Dole body piercings, an animation of his prostate over a psychedelic background, and a chat room with Dole himself. However, soon into the chat, Dole's website was destroyed by the Clinton/Gore computer virus, leaving nothing but a sad "Dole...." sound byte playing over and over.
- Conan was interviewed for the ESPY awards, and said that he spent a good hour with the interviewers, telling story after story about his love of baseball, and cracking everybody up. So he was dismayed that the final broadcast whittled his interview down to merely: "Red Sox."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger in the "Live via Satellite" segments.
Arnold: If we really want to keep America safe, we must build a fence around the future.
- There was one where Arnold weighed in on the immigration issue. Arnold thought the idea of building a fence along the U.S./Mexico border was laughable ("Ha. Ha. Ha."), leading to this run:
Conan: ...Why do we need a fence around the future?
Arnold: That's where the real enemies are! Our future is ruled by an advanced race of unstoppable mechanized immigrants.
Conan: (annoyed) Oh for God's sake.
Arnold: Conan, these "Chinabots" and "Mexiborgs" will come here in time machines, clone our jobs, and beam them back to the third world mothership!
Conan: Would Chinabots and Mexiborgs-
Arnold: YAH! And don't forget about the burden that these uninsured Mexiborgs put on our health care system.
Conan: You're saying cyborgs need health care?
Arnold: Mexiborgs do; they're poorly made. Remember, they're from Mexico.
Conan: (mock offended) Oh for God's sakes, Arnold!
Arnold: But don't worry, Conan, there's still time!
Conan: Time for what?
Arnold: There's still time, ehh... to send me into the future. I will disguise myself as a Mexiborg and go by the name "Raul 5000". I will hang around time machines and say things like, "Hey guys, it's pretty nice here in the future, no need to go back to the present." And then they'll say, "Don't you mean the past?" And then I'll say, "Why? Did I say the "present"? My mistake." And then they'll say, "Hey, he's from the past! Get him!" And then I'll tear off my virtual poncho, take out my twin gatling guns, (Conan looks like he's ready to crack up) blow all the Chinabots and Mexiborgs away in slow motion, take the cigar out of my mouth, turn to the camera and say.... "Now that's a blast from the past!"
- At the end of a sketch where Conan was disappointed that Bill Clinton didn't stop by the studio, despite being at a book signing only a few buildings away, Conan told the cameraman to zoom in really tight on his face. When his face filled the screen, Conan simply said, "...Booby."
- When David Letterman was a guest:
Conan: When I first got this job, I-
Letterman: How did you get this job?? (Conan and audience laugh) Was it an essay-writing contest??
Conan: It was a "What Would I Do With a Talk Show".
- When Don Rickles was a guest in 2006, Conan asked him what he thinks about all the hopping around he does at the beginning of the show: