Funny / Late Night with Conan O'Brien

• The "schizophrenic reactions" from the audience, whenever Conan told a joke that got a negative reaction...followed by applause.
• In the segment where he tried to beat his ring spinning record, he hyped up the crowd beforehand:
  Conan: Hey! Can we do this? YES, WE, CAN!........ That's a new low for me. [audience and Conan both laugh] Oh, I'm a bad guy.
• In the Triumph sketch where Triumph visits Quebec, he and a (real) female dog have dinner at a fancy restaurant. At one point, dinner was served and Triumph took a "bite" of meat, but since a puppet can't eat food, Triumph merely spit it out, exclaimed "Oh my GOD!" in disgust and flung the meat to the floor.
  • In the same sketch, the Running Gag of the older Quebec citizen who doesn't speak English, and as such, Triumph's zingers at his expense fly right over his head. Eventually Triumph finds an interpreter who translates all his jokes. The humor comes from the pause as the woman tells him the punchline in French, and the guy finally laughs a good five to six seconds after Triumph told the joke in English.
• The "If They Mated" where David Gest and Liza Minnelli were said to be dating. The audience groaned in disgust at the before pictures, which made Conan laugh hysterically. It took him three tries before he could show the punchline.
  Conan: People can't handle the "before" picture! That's never happened! That's never happened!
  • Speaking of "If They Mated", after hearing the jingle one time, Conan remarked, "That sucks," and stated they have to change it because he can't hear it anymore.
• The "Late Night Create Your Own Commercial Contest" run in general, but particularly these entries:
  • A guy having sex with a blow-up doll: "Watch Late Night: It'll get you laid"
  • "I NEED MY CONIE CONE!!!!" "It's almost as much fun as riding a PIG!" (Conan mistook the commercial for a death threat)
• "GO DIZZ, GO!"
• The "Walker, Texas Ranger lever" in general. But particularly these clips:
  • Clip of Walker beating up some bad guys in a nursing home. Conan comments: "That is my favorite episode of Walker: He goes into a nursing home and beats the crap out of everyone."
  • "How 'bout a nice Hawaiian punch?" (slams character's head into a punch bowl)
  • A young boy (played by Haley Joel Osment): "Walker told me I have AIDS."
    • Better is the reaction: As the audience howls in laugher, Conan just gets up and stares out the fake window in long silence.
  • A woman falls off a building, with repeated shots of Walker, James, and a female policeman reacting to it. Conan is baffled how that's supposed to be a good action sequence, since they just watch her fall for "forty minutes". This clip was replayed on a later episode during S.A.T. Analogies, leading to:
    Conan: They did NOTHING! She was falling for 45 minutes! There was time to go and buy a mattress!
  • A hoodlum kicks a pigeon in front of a senior citizen. Conan is horrified. "That's a BAD GUY!"
  • A villain taunts a hanging Walker by asking him if he wants some water. Walker kicks the thug down, gets free from the rope, grabs the guy's water bottle, and chugs the whole bottle. "Don't mind if I do."
  • A woman hijacks a plane, and says they're going to the Cayman Islands. Walker reveals himself from behind a chair, grabbing her wrist. He tells her, "You're goin' to jail first, honey. Then you can go to the Cayman Islands." Then he tells the pilot, "Tie her up and gag her."
  • A villain exits a room, and is kicked in the face by Walker. Conan observes: "Wait a minute... the leg was coming from down here! Is Walker in a hole upside down?! I don't think Chuck Norris is around for 50% of the filming of the show; I think they just have a leg on a stick."
  • After a fight scene featuring a bunch of beefy villains, Conan observes that Walker only seems to fight fat people.
  • A boy is on top of a ladder, and his father tells him to jump and he'll catch him. The boy jumps, but the father steps out of the way and lets the kid hit the ground. This clip horrified Conan, who clutched his head in mock pain and laid down on the couch. "He let that kid hit the ground! That's the most disturbing video I've ever seen. AND I'VE SEEN IT ALL."
  • Walker bursts into a bar and quickly asks, "Where's Candy Delight?" The owner asks, "Candy who?" Walker replies, "Candy... (punches the guy in the face) ...Delight." Conan commented, "Wha?? That was completely unreasonable! That guy didn't hear you!" "LookinforCandyDelight!" "Who?" "I said BAM!!!" Conan went on to say that's why the hearing-impaired don't watch Walker.
  • After a particularly good clip of a character slowly wheeling into a pool, Conan said he was going to stop there for the night. But the audience demanded more, so later in the episode, he pulled the lever again. The next clip was a sports montage of Walker competing in an event while a cheesy rock song played.^note "It's just a game, it's all for fun, who really cares who's number one? Enjoy yourself, don't blow a fuse, it's just a game, unless you lose!" After the clip ended, Conan reprimanded the audience: "What did I tell you?! We got greedy, we went back for more, and we got the worst musical montage I've ever seen."
  • A thug holding up a store forces a woman to sing "99 Bottles of Beer" with him. Except he's not really "singing" so much as shouting the lyrics while the frightened woman joins him. After the clip, Conan asks the director if he can have a looped clip of one of the criminals shooting his gun into the air for his own amusement.
  • A character says, "Y'know, there's a lot of people out there that really need the martial arts." Another character replies, "That's not the only thing they need..." and pulls out a Bible. Conan, puzzled, merely says, "....Okay."
    • Similarly, in another clip, "Do You See What I See?" is sung as a man prays: "Heavenly father, we ask for a miracle, that you may breathe life into this baby. Amen." A couple seconds later, Walker announces: "He's breathing!" After the clip, Conan simply says, "Okay."
  • Clip is of a guy invading a class and Walker, who's sitting with the students, saves the day. Conan likes the clips but is always confused about the context: "As near as I can figure it, Walker just happened to be taking a home finance course, (audience laughs) he's just sitting there when a crazed man in a ski mask comes in. BAD classroom to pick, that's what I say."^note It's actually a training exercise.
  • Walker and James are fighting a thug, but a woman comes out of nowhere and takes care of the guy for them, then runs off before they can say anything. James asks, "Who was that?" Walker replies, "I don't know." Conan immediately remarked, "Well go after her!" And added: "Who was that? I don't know, I guess we'll never know." He also thought they'd easily be able to catch her because she was wearing high heels.
  • A character is speaking with an Irish accent, and Conan declares that his fake Irish accent is more believable than his. Conan then does his over-the-top leprechaun voice.
  • A clip of Walker staring down a wolf in the wilderness; despite the wolf's ferocity, Walker is able to calm it down by channeling the spirit of a wolf through himself. This culminated with an image of a wolf howling superimposed over the footage. After the clip finished, Conan and his "live via satellite" special guest Saddam Hussein both had their mouths hanging wide open.
    "Saddam": ...What the hell?!
  • After Trivette's car is submerged in water during a mission, Walker, Trivette, and C.D. examine the damage after the fact; C.D. is optimistic: "A little paint here, a little paint there..." Then Walker opens the car door and a bunch of water and fish empty out. Walker says he brought dinner, while he and C.D. have a laugh at Trivette's expense and some cheesy punchline music plays. After the clip, Conan is silent for a few seconds while the audience laughs, and finally Conan speaks up, apologizing for the clip he just showed.
  • Alex Cahill tells Walker, "This potato salad is wonderful." Conan remarked that they should've put "TO BE CONTINUED" after that line.
  • C.D. is roughed up by some bad guys, but keeps taunting them even as he's beaten up ("Has it got enough garlic in it?!" ; "Where'd you learn to hit? At a Girls Scout camp?"). Conan, who's obviously never seen the show, remarks, "That old chef is pretty tough!......The hell- who's he?? (laughs)"
  • Walker and Trivette beat up some goons in a bar, and after they're done, Walker tells them, "All right, get out of here." Conan remarked, ""Get out of here"?! They're dead!"
  • Walker shows a man a photo of someone they're looking for. The man doesn't know her but dismissively says, "Good lookin' piece, though." Walker grabs his throat in response. When he lets go, the man says, "That is a clear case of police brutality." Walker ignores him: "Listen, you!"
  • Walker tells a villain that he hurt somebody close to him. The villain, completely unsympathetically and sarcastically, says "Golly, that's awful. Isn't that awful?" A mook next to Walker says, "Oh yeah Vince, that's just awful." Walker immediately backhands the unsuspecting mook in the face. "Do not mouth off to Walker when you're just standing there with your hands in your pockets!"
  • A bad guy accidentally steps in a bear trap and, understandably, screams in pain. Walker knocks him out and says in hushed tones, "Shut up." Conan thought that was the cruelest thing he's ever seen.
  • The clip of Walker getting smacked in the face with a boating oar. Ironically, before getting hit, Walker said, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." Conan has to laugh on "Walker has no peripheral vision!"
  • A henchman says: "Rule #1: Never turn your back on Croton." (thugs knock Walker down and start kicking him on the floor) After a few seconds, the henchman tells them, "That's enough!" Conan is puzzled: "Why is that enough?!"
  • Walker and Trivette barely escape an explosion meant for them, and the man responsible shouts from across the field, "HEY WALKER! The judge was just the first one! 'Cause I'm saving you for the last! (laughs and runs away)"
    Conan: Just go catch him! He's, like, eight feet away! I've never seen a mad bomber do that before: "HA HA, blew that up! Try and catch me!"
  • Two women sing "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" while a guy wields his swords just inches away from their faces. Conan was utterly baffled and asked anyone who knew the context to write in. ^Note (in the episode, the two women are famous country singers who are kidnapped and are to be killed after being forced to sing their last song. The idea being, sales of their last song will skyrocket in value, and the crooks will make a tidy profit.)
  • Walker shoots two bad guys on a helicopter, who fall dead while still hanging onto the helicopter legs. Conan's reaction was hilarious, acting like a spoiled child: "THAT'S NOT A CLIP! I WANT A CLIP!" (pulls the lever again)
  • Walker uses a jetpack, prompting a laughing Conan to ask, "What is he doing?!"
  • C.D. stands up to a terrorist, and is punched in the gut. A little girl stands up for him: "LEAVE HIM ALONE!", and is slapped by the terrorist. Conan was horrified:
    Conan: No! What the hell's going on with that program?! That was a little girl! Beatin' up an old man, I can understand that, even condone it, but a little girl?! That's going too far!
  • This clip:
  Villain: I'm gonna smash your face. I'm gonna break your head. I'm gonna hit you so hard, your children are gonna be born with a headache.
  Walker: It's too bad you can't fight as well as you can talk.
  (villain throws one punch and Walker blocks it; Walker proceeds to beat the everliving crap out of him)
  • The villain who is on fire, who is then kicked by Walker out the window, falls a few stories, and explodes. It blew Conan away.
  Conan: That's just bad luck all around.
  • Walker and Trivette are looking at a computer screen which contains Vietnamese text.
  Walker: It's in Vietnamese. I can't figure out what it's saying.
  Trivette: Is it encrypted?
  Walker: It must be. [...] Let's go talk to Peter Nimh.
  Trivette: The boy? Why?
  Walker: Well, he's knows Vietnamese and he's a computer genius.
  Conan: "He knows Vietnamese, and he's a computer genius." Seems like Peter Nimh's the guy to go to, then.
  • Before Conan even started the segment in one episode, a guy from the audience yelled "Pull the lever!" Conan laughed and commented how, taken out of context, someone yelling "Pull the lever" could be upsetting to home viewers.
    • Similarly, in another episode, after showing one clip, a woman from the audience yelled "Pull it again!" Conan asked, "What was that?" She repeated: "Pull it again!" Conan happily obliged.
  • Often times the set-up to Conan pulling the lever is just as funny as the clips themselves. Conan will pretend to "move on" to another sketch but he'll interrupt his own sentence and quickly pull the lever for another clip. And in one instance, he said, "Like I said, we got a lot to do, no time to waste." and morosely stared into the camera for a long time, prompting audience applause/cheering. Finally, he pulled the lever again.
  • Conan and Jennifer Love Hewitt are in a goofy story involving Hewitt's wearing too-right jeans. When Conan starts saying "how do we get off this potentially awkward situation, I just don't know..." he looks to the Lever with Hewitt clapping in delight. Said clip is simply Walker and Alex talking about "You have to find him/we'll find him." Hewitt just nods "I feel better knowing Walker is on the case."
    • Later in the same interview, another awkward talk has Hewitt going "the only thing to do is..." This time, a clip of some drug dealers threatening Walker and Alex with Conan noting "that guy has a gun from the 1920s."
• After retiring the Walker, Texas Ranger lever, he debuted other Chuck Norris film levers, such as the Breaker! Breaker! lever, with such great clips as:
  • J.D. (Chuck Norris) wrestling a bad guy on the floor, with the two locked in a grip for nearly thirty seconds. Conan said that fight scene lasted for forty minutes.
  • J.D. escapes a court room where the corrupt judge sentenced him. He shouts to the men in the room, "GET 'IM!" twice. J.D. pulls himself through a hole in the awning outside, and the bad guys don't see him escape that way so they all pile out of the building running in various directions. Conan chuckled at the sheer number of baddies.
  • J.D. flirts with a waitress. The fry cook warns her: "You better watch your step, Arlene!" Conan was amused at the line. Shortly after, a guy from the audience wants Conan to pull the lever again, so he yells "Do it!" Conan thought the fry cook was in the audience:
  Conan: (in Southern drawl) "Dew it! And don't you mess with Arlene!"
• The Octagon lever, especially this clip:
  Justine: Well I had hoped... to entice you into taking a personal interest in things.
  Scott (Chuck Norris): That's an insult to both of us. It makes me stupid, and you a whore.
  • After said clip, Conan called the company directory and said "That makes me stupid, and you a whore." The automated voice said: "Thank you. Ringing: Patti De Guzman."
• Due to the cold snap in early 2008, Conan wanted to warm everybody up, so he brought Vomiting Kermit in to vomit up hot chocolate. Soon after, he brought out the Masturbating Bear to dispense whip cream, though to the audience's disappointment, he merely sprayed it from a can, not "creaming" in their cups. But the Masturbating Bear soon did what he does best, causing Vomiting Kermit to throw up some more. Even after Conan told the Bear to stop, Kermit spurted a bit of vomit.
  Conan: The frog- Kermit just keeps going! There's just a little more left...
  [after a brief pause, Kermit spurts a little more vomit, causing Conan to laugh hard]
  Conan: Wow, all right! [Beat] Come on, I got twenty bucks-
  [Kermit vomits some more]
  Conan: It's gotta stop. (...) All right, we gotta get moving. We have other things to accomplish! Dr. Phil is leaving right now. [in Southern accent] "What the hell kind of show is this? I'm outta here!"
• Triumph at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, which was so funny, he returned two more times.
  Triumph: I'm here with Ziegfried, a dachshund, the only dog that's actually shaped like poop.
• In an early 2009 episode, a woman commenting on Barack Obama's first couple weeks in office:
  Woman: I still don't have health care; what's he doing? Sitting on his ass?!
• In one of the 2008 "Writer's Strike" episodes:
  • Conan decided to move his desk to the back row of the audience, and poked fun at the guys sitting in front of him. He then wanted to crowdsurf, but NBC wouldn't let him, so he did the next best thing: He got out a dummy replica of himself and let it loose in the crowd. Very quickly, the dummy took some abuse as it surfed through the crowd ("For God's sakes, you're tearing him apart! Someone help Conan, he's being killed!"), eventually being dropped to the floor.
  • In the same segment, Conan gave an update on the turtle race that would determine which NFL team won the Super Bowl that year. He noted how the first night they tried it, the turtles crossed the finish line in a virtual tie, so they had to re-do it the following night and the Patriots turtle won in a landslide. One of the audience members heckled: "Steroids!"
    Conan: [amused] Yeah. "A turtle on steroids." That's exactly what happened.
• In October '96, Conan and Andy checked out Bob Dole's campaign website (dolekemp96.org). Every time Conan clicked to a new link, a voice byte saying "Dole!" played. The links on his website included a photo of Dole snowboarding, Dole rating the women of Friends, hemp for sale, Dole body piercings, an animation of his prostate over a psychedelic background, and a chat room with Dole himself. However, soon into the chat, Dole's website was destroyed by the Clinton/Gore computer virus, leaving nothing but a sad "Dole...." sound byte playing over and over.
• Conan was interviewed for the ESPY awards, and said that he spent a good hour with the interviewers, telling story after story about his love of baseball, and cracking everybody up. So he was dismayed that the final broadcast whittled his interview down to merely: "Red Sox."
• Arnold Schwarzenegger in the "Live via Satellite" segments.
  • There was one where Arnold weighed in on the immigration issue. Arnold thought the idea of building a fence along the U.S./Mexico border was laughable ("Ha. Ha. Ha."), leading to this run:
    Arnold: If we really want to keep America safe, we must build a fence around the future.
    Conan: ...Why do we need a fence around the future?
    Arnold: That's where the real enemies are! Our future is ruled by an advanced race of unstoppable mechanized immigrants.
    Conan: [annoyed] Oh for God's sake.
    Arnold: Conan, these "Chinabots" and "Mexiborgs" will come here in time machines, clone our jobs, and beam them back to the third world mothership!
    Conan: Would Chinabots and Mexiborgs-
    Arnold: YAH! And don't forget about the burden that these uninsured Mexiborgs put on our health care system.
    Conan: You're saying cyborgs need health care?
    Arnold: Mexiborgs do; they're poorly made. Remember, they're from Mexico.
    Conan: [mock offended] Oh for God's sakes, Arnold!
    Arnold: But don't worry, Conan, there's still time!
    Conan: Time for what?
    Arnold: There's still time, ehh... to send me into the future. I will disguise myself as a Mexiborg and go by the name "Raul 5000". I will hang around time machines and say things like, "Hey guys, it's pretty nice here in the future, no need to go back to the present." And then they'll say, "Don't you mean the past?" And then I'll say, "Why? Did I say the "present"? My mistake." And then they'll say, "Hey, he's from the past! Get him!" And then I'll tear off my virtual poncho, take out my twin gatling guns, [Conan looks like he's ready to crack up] blow all the Chinabots and Mexiborgs away in slow motion, take the cigar out of my mouth, turn to the camera and say.... "Now that's a blast from the past!"
  • When Arnold was first elected as governor in 2003:
    Arnold: The press said the stories with ze groping and ze Hitler, they were going to hurt me, but the people of California have spoken, and they said a resounding yes to ze groping and yes to ze Hitler! Then I got a nice call from Cruz Bustamante, and he said, "I will support you as your lieutenant governor and we're going to work together for California."
    Conan: You're gonna work together. Well I've gotta say, that was very classy of him to say that. You must've been very grateful.
    Arnold: Yah, I told him he was a fat little chipmunk, and I told him his name should be "Lose Bust-your-pants-ski", and then I had sex with his mother!
  • Donald Trump sang a lullaby on one "Live via Satellite":
    Trump: Rock-a-bye baby, on the you're fired, when the bow breaks, The Apprentice is gonna be huuuuge!
  • Bill Clinton is always good for a laugh. In one of the interviews amidst the Monica Lewinsky scandal, he talked about applying taxes to certain products to raise revenue. But he added: "Cigars, we're gonna leave alone."
  • He was briefly brought back in 2008 during Hillary Clinton's first presidential run, and was just as hilarious.
  Conan: Even if your wife wants the job, you being her husband could pose a huge obstacle.
  Bill Clinton: Divorce.
  Conan: What?
  Bill: Divorce, I mean, if we HAVE to... if we HAVE to! (phony crying) I don't want to, but I'll do what's best for the country!
  Conan: Okay, no no, that's no one's suggesting that, that's not happening.
  Bill: But if it's BEST!
  Conan: No, please stop it.
  Bill: I swear, I'll do it!
  (...)
  Conan: People think, in order to help your wife, you need to separate the funds-
  Bill: Separate! I could separate from my wife! Okay, if you say so, Conan! But it's gonna hurt so bad!
  Conan: No no, I didn't say that. See, other people are gonna examine your finances.
  Bill: "See other people"? Okay, if you think that's wise.
  Conan: No no, I didn't say that. Look, the key is that all parties-
  Bill: "A key party"? Well, all right!
  (...)
  Conan: Sir, you're twisting my words.
  Bill: "Get a hooker"? If you insist!
  • And another time:
  Conan: How did you like your time in Denver?
  Bill: Oh man, I LOVE Denver! Know why?
  Conan: No, why?
  Bill: 'Cause it's always MOUNTAIN time! (giggles) You get it? Mountin' time? Where you mount somebody, you get on top of them-
  Conan: It's okay, sir, we all got it. Yeah, "Mountin' time", yes.
  Bill: Like the time zone?
  Conan: Yes, not the time zone, it's two hours behind.
  Bill: Oh, I'm ALWAYS ready to spend two hours behind! (giggles) Get it? Sex? Sex from behind?!
  Conan: Yeah, that's great, sir, stop explaining them!
  • Al Gore, on his more excited persona during the 2000 presidential run:
  Gore: About eleven months ago, I turned my struggling campaign around by talking louder and louder and louder, and acting just weirder and weirder and weirder! And I see tomorrow as an opportunity to be louder and stiffer and weirder than ever before! AM I GONNA BE LOUDER AND WEIRDER FOLKS?! (audience applauds) Conan, you don't understand: I will be truly disturbing.
  • John McCain after losing the 2008 election was truly bitter.
  McCain: Whoopty-frickin' doo. Obama's out pickin' his cabinet, and I'm up here at 1 o'clock in the morning talking to a seven foot skeleton. My friends.
  Conan: You sound a little bitter.
  McCain: Bitter? Why would I be bitter? Just because America cornholed me at the polls, my friends?
  Conan: All right, senator, just take it easy.
  McCain: "Thanks, Mr. War Hero, Mr. P.O.W., but we like the pretty boy with the pretty John F. Kennedy suit and the regular-sized prostate! Thanks, Senator McCain, but we like Obama, because ooh, he can lift a basketball and Obama can bite into an apple, and he's on the internet and he's on MyFace." My friends.
  Conan: It's actually, it's called MySpace.
  McCain: ...Go straight to Hell.
  • Michael Jackson, post-2005 trial, just wanted to get back to his "regular" life, which involved mating condors and labradors (which he dubbed "londors"), and noting that one of the londors "looks an awful lot like La Toooooooyyyyyyyyaaaaaaa!"
    • In another: "Boy, oh boy. BOY, oh BOY, oh BOY, oh BOY..."
• At the end of a sketch where Conan was disappointed that Bill Clinton didn't stop by the studio, despite being at a book signing only a few buildings away, Conan told the cameraman to zoom in really tight on his face. When his face filled the screen, Conan simply said, "...Booby."
• When David Letterman was a guest:
  Conan: When I first got this job, I-
  Letterman: How did you get this job?? [Conan and audience laugh] Was it a theme-writing contest??
  Conan: It was a "What Would I Do With a Talk Show".(Beat) I was third.
• When Don Rickles was a guest in 2008, Conan asked him what he thinks about all the hopping around he does at the beginning of the show:
  Rickles: I think you're makin' a fool of yourself.
• One of the most famous Triumph remotes involved the canine going to the NYC premiere of Attack of the Clones, and insulting pretty much everyone there. One fan who was featured in the background recounts his experiences in this sketch.
  • A man in a Jedi costume espouses the Jedi code. Triumph adds that the Jedi code must include eating a lot of peanut M&Ms.
  • Triumph manages to find an actual woman amongst the male geeks and says she has her pick of the litter: She can pick from all kinds of guys who have no idea how to please her. When she admits: "Pretty much", Triumph asks the crowd who will rise to the challenge. A guy steps forward and says, "I will."
  • Triumph to a heavily pregnant woman on her soon-to-be-born son: "That's the last time he'll see female genitalia."
  • Triumph made numerous jokes about Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, who crashed the get-together.
    Triumph: Uh, it's called "reality".
  • One guy, who isn't even dressed up in Star Wars garb, does a Darth Vader impression. Triumph critiques it: He wasn't breathing heavily like Vader, and suggests he run ten feet.
  • A man is in a Darth Vader costume. Triumph looks at his voice box and says, "Which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?"
  • Another guy is in a Storm Trooper outfit. Triumph coaxes the guy to take his helmet off, revealing a bearded guy with glasses. The man says, "Hi, I'm Colonel Sanders!" Triumph immediately asks him to put the helmet back on, and adds, "That was a close one."
  • Spock also crashed the get-together and gave the finger to everyone.
  • Triumph plays a trivia game with the crowd:
    Triumph: What substance was Han Solo frozen in?
    Crowd: Carbonite!
    Triumph: No, I'm sorry. The correct answer is, "Who gives a shit?"
• At the beginning of Triumph's Christmas special, Triumph introduced his kids, his wife... and some random guy hiding behind the couch (possibly Robert Smigel or an animal wrangler or stage hand who wasn't supposed to appear on camera).
• On the 10th Anniversary Special, Mr. T was a guest and gave Conan a gold chain with "7" on it. Conan accepted the gift but said he's been on for ten years:
  Mr. T: I know that, foo', but you only been funny for seven! [walks off the stage]
• Thanks to Archive.org, Conan's hornymanatee.com can still be viewed. Nowadays, if you try putting that address in the web browser, it just redirects to nbc.com.
• There was a news story in 2007 about Keith Richards snorting some of his father's ashes when doing cocaine. Naturally, Conan had to interview him in "Live via Satellite". Keith clarified that the story was only a half-truth; there wasn't any cocaine in there at all.
  Keith Richards: It was pure, uncut dad.
• The parody of primetime crime dramas:
  Narrator: Last night, on Conan O'Brien.
  Woman: You're a bastard.
  Conan: [smugly] Yes, I know.
• One of the funniest moments with a guest was when Courtney Thorne-Smith was on in 1997. Norm Macdonald was the guest before her and kept interjecting at random times throughout the interview, as he's wont to do. When it came time for Courtney to promote her new movie, which she was in with Carrot Top, Norm interrupted and said that if Carrot Top's in the movie, it should be called Box Office Poison. Courtney said the name of the movie was Chairman of the Board. Conan told Norm, "Do something with that, ya freak." After a pause, Norm accepted the challenge: "I bet the "board" is spelled "B-O-R-E-D." Conan, almost expecting that answer, shuffled around in his chair and laughed hard while Courtney looked embarrassed.
• Whenever Conan does an exaggerated impression of John F. Kennedy.
  Conan: We're gonna go to the moon at the end of the decade and do the other thing as well! [in normal voice] ...This show is just stupid.
• Before one "Celebrity Survey", the machine that was supposed to play the theme song and display the graphics temporarily broke, which caused Conan to deadpan, "Well folks, this puts me in a very awkward position." After a minute, the machine was fixed but Conan refused to restart the sketch: "We do the sketch when I'm ready, right, folks?" He then reclined in his chair while saying nothing as the audience laughed, only to eventually wheel back to the desk and continue the sketch.
• Similarly, during one "Photo Gallery", the machine broke so Conan wasted time by doing a mock striptease.
• A Running Gag in the Jarod Miller animal segments is how Jarod has a hard time working in animal facts (both due to the craziness that inevitably results from the animal hijinks and Conan repeatedly interrupting him). One time he was actually able to relay some animal facts, and Conan lampshaded after he finished: "I'm gonna edit out all that information, just to spite you."
• The episode where sex expert Sue Johanson brought a bunch of sex toys and flustered Conan and previous guests Tom Selleck and The Big Show.
• In one of the Canada episodes, Conan introduced a segment called "Spot the American". He was interrupted by a chorus singing the name of the segment, and he remarked in a both amused and annoyed tone, "Does everything have to have a song? That sucked..."
• Bread expert Steven Kaplan was a guest on one episode, and between his observation that making bread is similar to a sexual experience and his various hand motions when holding a piece of long bread, Conan had a lot to work with. Conan surmised that Steven must get strange looks from the waiters when he goes to a restaurant and they bring the bread out:
  Conan: You're poking and prodding and mounting and thrusting! And rollin' around! [moments later, after Steven curses] What the hell's going on tonight?! Keith Olbermann is showing dirty cards, you're raping bread!
• At the start of the 2/5/04 episode, an audience member shouted "Yeah, Cone-dog!" When the applause died down, Conan asked, "Who said "Yeah, Cone-dog!"?"
  Conan: "And then after Jay, catch Cone-dog! Cone-dog comin' atcha!"
• In a 2008 episode, Conan announced that a toy company which made John McCain and Barack Obama dolls had sent their surplus of dolls to the NBC studio after the election... for unexplained reasons. Rather than let the giant pile of doll boxes sit in the lobby, Conan decided to give the dolls away to the studio audience... as bunches of thirty in big plastic bags. He noted the next night that one of his staff members saw people later on that day still carrying the doll bags around NYC, including to Broadway shows. Conan was elated until he found out that some audience members were auctioning off these bags on eBay.
  • Also funny: Conan said he would give the dolls away at the end of the show and ran with it immediately:
  Conan: Ohhh, you're gonna have to wait to get your thirty- (audience awwwws) That's right, you can't start playing with them right away! That was unbelievable; people in the crowd very disappointed they can't have them RIGHT NOW. "I need my thirty dolls that don't quite look like John McCain NOW!" (as McCain) "Well, I'm back in Arizona, rrrrr! I'm real angry! Yeah!" All right, hang onto your hats.
• Conan brought a duck that he named "Quackers" into the studio. He didn't have a sketch planned for the duck; he just thought America could use some cheering up. However, very shortly after Quackers was introduced, Quackers took a dump on the floor and sampled it, grossing out Conan and the audience.
  Conan: I'm not sure if I can actually go forward... we have other business... there's a shit-eating duck over here... I'm sorry! I don't swear often, but that's what he did! I think Quackers has to go, I'm sorry, I can't- [audience expresses disapproval] okay, the crowd has voted, let's leave Quackers. [Conan notices a guy entered the studio] ...Who are you? [audience laughs] Are you with Quackers, or is this just a late audience member walked in? What kind of show are we running here tonight? Ducks are eating their poop, people are wandering in? What the hell's going on?! Let's get this thing together! [knocks over mic, and his last couple words reverberate more than he expected]
• Roger Ebert as a guest in 2005 offered some funny moments:
  • Roger brought up the sex scene in Alexander, and asked Conan what specifically he noticed in said scene. An embarrassed Conan was eventually goaded to say that Rosario Dawson's breasts were huge, to which Roger agreed.
    Conan: I saw the movie in 3-D, I broke my neck! [laughs and knocks the mic over]
  • Conan mentioned that Roger used to review "porn"; Roger had to emphasize that it wasn't porn "per se", because back then movies with a bunch of nudity/sex were shown in regular movie theaters and were regarded as more artsy. Conan ran with this and claimed Roger was hiding from a dark past. Roger then said one of his biggest pet peeves with adult movies is how long it takes for the sex to happen and that there's a bunch of filler first. Conan again ran with it: "You want 'em to get it on, and get it on fast."
  • Roger said that the most erotic porn movie was Emmanuelle, and mentioned the "airplane scene". Conan asked what the airplane scene was, and Roger replied, "I don't think I better tell you." Conan said, "I'm guessing it involves sex."
• Sweeps Ahoy on the 11/3/05 episode featured a ratings stunt: "Barbara Walters Interviews Barbara Walters".
  Barbara 1: Tell me, as clearly as you can, why you murdered your parents.
  Barbara 2: I think that this was something I had the opportunity to do.
  Barbara 1: You killed your parents!
  Barbara 2: Um...
  Barbara 1: Do you feel remorse?
  Barbara 2: Oh yes, oh yes.
  • In the same segment, "Bobblehead Army", featuring a Jesus with a slightly looser head than the rest.
  Conan: Man, Jesus needs a chiropractor! And why is Jesus, of all those people to hang out with, he's with Cap'n Crunch?
• Dan Castellaneta and Harry Shearer improv a couple scenes from The Simpsons.
• Anytime Conan briefly impersonates Jay Leno, usually saying "Hiya folks" in a high pitched voice and wagging his head.
• In one episode, Conan took an audience member on a fast tour of the NBC building. At one point they crashed the NBC Nightly News studio, where Brian Williams was taping.
  Conan: (to Brian's camera) Conan O'Brien, 12:35, there's nothin' better! Comedy: Better than news! (bolts)
• James Wormworth filled in for Max Weinberg during a few shows in 2004 due to a shoulder injury on Max's part. Conan compared the specific drum roll that Max did to what James has been doing; after James flubbed it, the audience booed him, causing Conan to burst out laughing:
  Conan: A fine musician, a great guy, and I've turned the whole crowd against him for no reason. What the hell's wrong with you people? "BOO! Bad drummer, dude!" (sing-songy) I like to play with people.
• Some unscripted silliness during a 2004 episode: Conan went to do his John Kerry impression (merely consisting of a big frown) but enlisted the help of an audience member to pull his face down to complete the impression. Conan noticed that on the way back to his seat, the audience member was wiping his hands because of all the make-up Conan had on, and commented on it: "They really gotta coat me with the paint before I go out, 'cause it's not (flapping his cheeks) prrrrrrettyyyyyy!" (knocks mic over)
• Triumph on Hollywood Squares. Especially good is the Running Gag of Al Roker smacking Triumph and shouting "Bad dog!" after a bawdy punch-line.
• The same photo of Kevin Federline is used in every "Celebrity Survey" and "Patterns". Eventually lampshaded by Conan:
  Conan: That's my favorite picture of Kevin Federline, because it's like EVERY OTHER picture you ever see of Kevin Federline: Hat on sideways, no life in the eyes, mouth open. And a fly going in.
• "Conan on the Aisle":
  • Star Wars Episode III: Yoda's head lice problem.
  • Seabiscuit:
  "I can't... SEE out there!" (right eye pops out)
  • The Perfect Storm's doomed ship gets Chroma Keyed into such incongruous settings as an NBA game and Teletubbies.
• Jim Carrey as Conan O'Brien, especially the moment when an assistant gives him a cup of coffee:
  Jim: Did you just make eye contact with me, you piece of crap? (throws the hot coffee in his face) You're fired! And get me another one before you leave!
  • And facing himself in the mirror, he gets a disturbed look:
  Jim: I can't hear the laughter anymore... (collapses and sobs)
• The remote where Conan played hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs, especially the moment towards the end when he chewed out the players for supposedly not playing hard enough and got in a fight with one of them.
• Conan once did a spoof of Dateline's "To Catch a thief" segment, with dialogue that is taken almost verbatim from what's said in some of these segments. It's the context—Conan walked into the house by accident and his claims of innocence are true—that make it funny.
• The remote from 2003 where Conan visited Bliss Spa. At one point, he got a facial mask made, and french kissed the mask when it was removed.
• One of the interviews with LL Cool J. Conan asked how he stays in shape; LL shows him: Laying on the floor and bringing his knees to his chest and saying "Bang" on every rep. Conan tried it himself but LL told him his form is wrong; Conan said, "Don't yell at me!" and ran around the set while LL repeatedly ordered, "WRAP AROUND! WRAP AROUND!" Conan got back down on the floor and did the reps rapidly as LL shouted at him.
• This "The More You Know" parody ad:
  Max: They say prostitution is a victimless crime. Then where's my wallet? Huh? (walking towards the camera) You got my wallet, bitch?!
  (The More You Know rainbow logo)
• One "Pierre Bernard's Recliner of Rage" had Pierre discussing his love of anime, and laments that Assy McGee is taking some shows' place on Adult Swim:
  Pierre: As I've mentioned before, I'm a huge fan of Japanese anime, which I think is far better produced and more provocative than American animation. Well, a few weeks ago, at an event dedicated to Japanese anime, I was lucky enough to encounter seven young women known collectively as the "Babes of Anime". These beautiful ladies do voice-over work for several anime series including Trinity Blood about the Catholic church battling vampires and Bubblegum Crisis, which features sexy futuristic policewomen taking on monsters that ordinary law enforcement can't handle. I'm particularly attracted to officers Sylia Stingray and Nene Romanova who often appear unannounced in my dreams, so you can imagine how excited I was to meet the gorgeous women who provide the voices for these characters, and, if that weren't thrilling enough, I then found out that there's a channel called the Anime Network that runs anime 24 hours a day. That meant I could hear these ladies' voices continuously every day while staring at my large collectible "Babes of Anime" poster, which is so hot it could melt paint off the wall. Unfortunately, I was then shocked to learn that no East Coast cable provider provides the Anime Network. The Cartoon Network is available here, but they've been cutting back drastically on the number of anime programs in favor of live-action alternatives, and the best they can offer animation-wise is the talking butt detective show, Assy McGee. Bottom line, America? East coast cable companies should carry the Anime Network 24 hours a day so I can always hear the angelic voices of Sylia Stingray and Nene.
• In one recurring sketch, Jon Glaser played "Wrist Hulk", whose wrist transforms into the Hulk's wrist whenever he gets pushed too far. It's so stupid but so funny, and Conan's expressions when it happens are part of the fun.
• The Triumph sketch where he visited the MTV VMAs. Especially Conan's description of Eminem swatting down Triumph as he approached him on stage:
  Conan: Then, he sees Eminem, and so the puppet starts moving towards Eminem. Eminem freaks out, 'cause I guess he can handle anything but a puppet coming at him. That's something he's not prepared for. He'll throw down with anybody out there, but when a puppet's comin' his way, he freaks out. So he shoved the puppet out of the way, and then his posse, his bodyguards, surrounded the puppet and shoved it, and it got really ugly. (...) And MTV panicked and cut away really fast and was like, "Uhhh, Christina Aguillera!", and they cut away and just cued Christina Aguillera to come out in some ho outfit. And... (audience cheers) I'm serious! I don't know if you saw what she was wearing. They literally said: "Cue Christina in the ho outfit."
  • Also funny was the press conference aftermath, where Triumph had a neck collar and sunglasses on. He criticized Eminem: "My mom was a bitch too, but you don't see me writing songs about it." Then when a reporter asked Triumph, "If Eminem was a dog, would you have him neutered?", Triumph replied, "...You're an idiot."
• The theme song to "A Couple of Mutts":
  Conan: [singing] You, need to be cleaner.
  Triumph: [singing] And you, can eat my big wiener.
  Conan/Triumph: [singing] It can drive you nuts, with a couple of muuuuuuuuts! With a couple of muuuuuuuts! With a couple of mutts!
• This sketch, Stump Max Weinberg, is moderately funny but then it gets to a moment when Bruce Springsteen "called" into the show... except there is no audio after he says hi. After trying a couple times, hoping the audio feed would come back, Conan gives up: "...Yeah, we're fucked." (hangs up)
• The remote where Conan visits the local deli and wants a better sandwich named after him. Especially funny is the head waiter who keeps putting Conan in his place.
  Norman: You're not the king of late night. Maybe late late late night, but not late. There's two guys way ahead of you.
• Jeff Goldblum appearances are prone to these:
  • October 8, 1998: At the top of the interview, Conan notes that Goldblum smelled him in his previous appearance, leading into a discussion of what smells Goldblum likes. Soon he's passionately stammering about how the mere smell of certain foods can satisfy him, causing Conan to interject "You ARE that guy in The Fly!"
  • November 19, 2002: Goldblum's answer to how his last name is pronounced.
  • 2005: Conan explains to the audience that guests are not paid for their appearances -- and backstage, Goldblum goes on a rampage.
  • In the 2005-08-05 interview, Jeff came out to the song "Moanin'", and even hummed along to it, prompting the band to keep playing briefly. Conan remarked: "Apparently there's no need to interview you, you can do that for the entire segment."
  • April 27, 2006: A wild Jeff Goldblum is lured onstage with a salt lick as Conan narrates.
• The time Conan was on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, thanks to Manipulative Editing.
  Regis: You've got one lifeline left.
  Conan: No way. Lifelines are for losers.
• As shown on the 1/7/08 episode: A My Pretty Conan T-shirt.
• Any time Al Roker is on, particularly the 10/14/04 episode, right at the top of the interview:
  Al: Hey, Boston Red Sox! WHO'S YOUR DADDY! SPANK ME! HAHA! ^Note (a reference to a recent game where the Yankees beat the Red Sox, Conan's favorite team)
  Conan: ...Well, we're outta time.
• A one-time sketch from 2008 where Conan installed a VIP seat behind his desk. Will Arnett got the seat, and proceeded to make a ton of noise while Conan tried telling an anecdote. Highlights include getting the band to play "We Will Rock You" while Conan's trying to talk, using a urinal to the right of Conan's desk (and having a really wide stance at it for some reason), and eventually getting ejected by security.
• One of the funniest running gags whenever Will Ferrell was on: Abruptly shredding his clothes to reveal a shiny green shirt and underwear (and thrown a feathered top hat from off-camera) and grinding his ass in Conan's face while the band plays sultry funk music. Just one example.
• During the monologue on 3/6/03, Conan did the string dance but James forgot to play the drum beat during it, leading Conan to criticize him for missing his mark.
  Conan: You keep your eye on me. You watch me like a hawk. There ya go. (James leans forward and stares intently at Conan) All right, hey cut it out, I don't like that! That was eerie. It's nice when a fella notices me.
• In the 7/9/07 monologue, Conan announced Nicole Richie was pregnant. This was met with some boos, which Conan immediately ran with:
  Conan: ...Don't boo someone being pregnant. That's terrible! "Don't reproduce!" What kind of people are you?! "Don't make more of you!" But you're right. No. (later, after an SAT Analogy that featured a joke about Nicole Richie) ...They booed her unborn child. Good Lord! My GOD! (laughs) I'll get ALL your names before you go.