"Ha! Nice work soldier. That was so much fun, I don't want to stop. Here, I'll hold up Trybulus' body, and you kill him again."
Logan Thackery gets in some good ones too, like when a Minister attempts to evade court charges against him by challenging you to a duel which requires you to pick a second, Logan's comment is: "Now as captain of the Seraph, I can't jump up and down and shout 'Pick me! Pick me!'. But I can think it."
Also, when Logan volunteers himself to play as bait for some bandits and they 'surround him' he interrupts his attacker's speech with this jewel in flat deadpan: "Oh no. Oh me! Oh mercy! Woe is me! Is this the end for poor Logan?"
Another one for the Charr (for those that picked the "Father died in battle" origin and chose to trust the scrappers), two words - Ghost Cows.
In one point in the Sylvari starting area, two Sylvari are talking, and one brings up how she keeps seeing these strange tiny people all over. Her friend assures her that those are just Asura, but then she insists, no these things are like the other races but in miniature and is truly baffled about just where they all come from...
The same area features an event that requires recapturing escaped minature animals (actually shapeshifting oozes).
If the player decides to join the Order of Whispers they get a somewhat cryptic letter about meeting an apple salesman in Lion's Arch. The letter ends with:
P.S. Destroy this letter! I dunno, eat it or something. Get creative.
The conversation with the "apple merchant" goes something like this:
Tybalt: Apples! Apples for sale! You there! Care to buy an Apple?
Player character: Hello! I was told that I could meet my contact here. I'm with the Ord—
Tybalt: Ehh, heh... Apples! Delicious apples! *hushed* What part of secret society did you not understand?
A little further down the storyline, when infiltrating a pirate camp during a rescue mission, we get Tybalt's pirate-talk:
Tybalt: Yarr and rarr, and blimey, matey! How about you let us fellow pirates through? Avast, and bosun the prow-cap, Sailor!
Pirate: Who did you say you were again, fella?
Tybalt: I'm Two-Tibs A'whisker and this is Bloodcovered Backstabbin' Blackjack the Blade. Yarr! Raise the Crow's foot and rope down the jib-jabber ... gabber ... thingy ...
Also, when they finally get the person they came for out of the pirate's jail, he says:
Tybalt: We're here to abscond with you and the beer. The beer's already gone so now it's your turn.
Demmi: Thank the goddess Lyssa! I was starting to think the order had forgotten me. Do you have a plan to get us out of this place alive?
Player Character: Sort of. The idea starts with "run for it" and generally goes downhill from there. Come on!
One of the best parts of the mission is how utterly hammered your character sounds. See, to be able to find Demmi, Tybalt needed a distraction. His idea? Challenge the pirates to a drinking contest on your behalf. You consequently sound very, very tipsy throughout the cutscenes.
And then there's the mission where Tybalt has to disguise himself as Demmi, despite being a large male Charr. His comments throughout the mission are priceless.
"Burn me, I'm a human girl! Whoa, I've got two hands and some lovely...apples."
"Oh, wow. How do humans walk without tails? Right, right, here goes. [In a sing-song feminine voice] Nothing to worry about, not worried at all, look at me, I'm Demmi Beatlestone!"
"Next time, YOU can be the woman."
When a Norn girl is chided for throwing a grawl shaman out into the cold, her grandfather asks, "What Spirit of the Wild told you to do that?" The response? "The Spirit of Shut Up and Mind Your Own Business, Grandpa."
A renown heart challenge in Metrica Province requires that you test the intelligence of singular skritt by asking them questions. God help you.
Skritt IQ Test Subject: "I answer right, you give me treat? It good deal."
Player Character: "I will now attempt to read your mind! There. All done."
Skritt IQ Test Subject: "What? No! You can't read minds. It not possible!"
Player Character: "I just did, and I saw everything. All your thoughts."
Skritt IQ Test Subject: "No, it not possible! If you read my mind, what you see there, hmm? What you see?"
Player Character: "Shinies."
Skritt IQ Test Subject: (gasp) "You read miiiinds!"
Player Character: "Hah, telepathy isn't real. You fail."
Each race has a different scenario through which you meet the three organizations of Tyria. For the sylvari, the goal is to find the sword Caladbolg and avenge its first owner, the sylvari firstborn Riannoc, by killing the lich that killed him. To get Caladbolg, you have to hunt down and incapacitate the human squire that stole it and left Riannoc for dead in the first place: Waine, who now uses Caladbolg to win pit fights. The Vigil wants to just go and beat him up. The Order of Whispers is a bit more creative. Choose their plan, and you go about sabotaging Waine's fight by bribing the Seraph to hit him with arrows, getting a commentator who hates him to on duty, and drugging him. Unfortunately, he doesn't drink alone, forcing you to drink with him. Cue the Mushroom Samba with random oozes, dredge and wargs, all leading up to a grand finale in which they all turn into dancing moa birds.
Cai: Fantastic! It worked! I thought we had no chance.
Player Character: Hang on. Cai? What happened? Where'd the dredge go?
Cai: Dredge... right... wow that stuff was strong. Don't worry. The good guys won. Waine fell over like a chump, and we've got Calabolg.
Player Character: But the oozes! The oozes! And the dredge!
Cai: Hoo boy. We'd better get out of here, before you start calling me Queen Jennah and thanking me for the tea.
Player Character: I majored in pain, with a minor in suffering!
One of the Norn personal story options is to have blacked out at a recent moot. Surely nothing too terrible happened. Turns out, you and a member of a Charr warband took their tank on a joyride. You find this from Mangonel Gearstrip, said soldier and your drinking partner, who remembers you drinking from two kegs at the same time, while balancing a third on the head, having punched a hole in it and letting the ale just pour down your face. Your options are to express certainty it must have been some other norn, politely not disagree, or admit that it does sound like you, and offer to teach the trick.
Later, you have these exchanges:
Mangonel Gearstrip: Hey, Slayer? Any luck remembering where we took it? I remember driving through snow, trying to spell "JORMAG EATS DUNG!" That was your idea.
Player Character: I'm still drawing a blank. I vaguely remember doing swan dives off the cannon into the lake.
Lionguard: So, Slayer... didn't I see you swinging from the cannon of a charr vehicle last time you were here? You were headed north, towards Crossroads Haven, right? I heard you shouting, "I don't take insults from a tree! Have at you, leafy!"
Female 1: I was thinking that for dinner we could start with a spikefruit salad with crab. Then the entree could be spikefruit-stuffed crab, with a spikefruit crab parfait for dessert.
Female 2: We really need to find a chef.
Pretty much everyone contained in the prison area of Rata Sum.
And apparently, this one's in jail for being too stupid. His plaque warns the Player not to stand too close or you might "catch his stupid".
Zaiyah: (sigh) Can I go home now?
Prison Warden Zikki: Have you figured out a solution for the quadratic matrix of a cubic paradigm when used in a flux inhibitor yet?
Zaiyah: No./Uh... Yes?
Prison Warden Zikki: Well, when you can solve that simple math problem, I'll let you out./Ah you can't fool me, Zaiyah. You're not good enough at sarcasm. You're staying right where you are.
During one of the first missions as an Asura and member of the College of Synergetics, you get this line from Zojja and her personal golem, Mr. Sparkles:
Zojja: Yeah. And in the meantime, we'll be kicking your behind so hard you'll be wearing it as a hat! Right, Mr. Sparkles?
Mr. Sparkles:Affirmative. Prepare—to—don—the—behind—hat.
Several of the things PC's say when they get an achievement are pretty humorous, but if you're playing a human, you get this:
PC: I achieve things. I'm an achiever!
Things got even better during the Dragon Bash living story event. One achievement required players to eat 250 pieces of Zhaitaffy candy - consuming the candy had a chance to cause vomiting. So things get pretty weird when you're vomiting all over the place and your character says:
Female charr: I cover myself in glory!
Female asura: Another testament to my greatness.
Male norn: I'm the master at life!
Overheard in Lion's Arch:
NPC 1: My guild is being ruined by all the drama going on.
NPC 2: Which guild is that?
NPC 1: The Traveling Thespians.
One event in Diessa Plateau involves the character dressing up as a cow in order to teach battle moves to a rancher's herd.
Also on the Diessa Plateau, the cattlepult. It's exactly what it sounds like.
In Lion's Arch, there's a spot you can high dive from. If you ask the guy at the top if it's dangerous, he responds:
Jaf Radlay: The only injured divers were those who had it coming, those who were just unlucky, and a few whose injuries can't be explained by fate or luck. Player character: Uh, thanks for the pep talk. I may put on the googles and dive anyway.
In the Living Story instance in Clockwork Chaos, there's a point where Lord Faren, seeing Queen Jennah in trouble, performs a Diving Save and grabs her hand... only for "Jennah" to turn out to be a mere illusionary clone. Faren's reaction is what sells it.