Funny / Guild Wars 2

  • A subtle one and probably unintentional, but for charr characters in Heart of Thorns onward, the fact that you start giving Tribune Rytlock Brimstone, your old mentor, orders as Pact Commander. Not only that, but you start putting him in his place. It's just rather amusing that you clearly outrank the guy you used to call "sir" all of a sudden.
  • At one point during a charr Ash Legion character's personal story the player character is tasked with infiltrating a Flame Legion camp in disguise, which should have raised some difficulty for a female character since they have rather traditional views. The player character doesn't see this as a problem, after all she's an expert at espionage; except she barely even bothers to disguise her voice. Not one bit. The guard believes that "he's" actually got a cold.
    "I'm fine. I'm male and I'm fine!"
  • Rytlock Brimstone, ladies and gentlemen:
    "Ha! Nice work soldier. That was so much fun, I don't want to stop. Here, I'll hold up Trybulus' body, and you kill him again."
  • Logan Thackeray gets in some good ones too, like when a Minister attempts to evade court charges by challenging you to a duel. When you go to pick a second, Logan says: "Now as captain of the Seraph, I can't jump up and down and shout 'Pick me! Pick me!' But I can think it."
    • Also, when Logan volunteers himself to play as bait for some bandits and they 'surround him,' he interrupts his attacker's speech with this jewel in flat deadpan: "Oh no. Oh me! Oh mercy! Woe is me! Is this the end for poor Logan?"
  • Another one for the Charr (for those that picked the "Father died in battle" origin and chose to trust the scrappers), Ghost Cows.
    Braugit: Isola! Here come more cows! Help!
    Isola: Think about something nice, Braugit. Like bunnies or something. You like bunnies, right?
    Braugit: I do! Bunnies don't moo!
    • And upon completion, the legionnaire taunts Braugit with the thought of a steak and glass of milk.
  • In one point in the Sylvari starting area, two Sylvari are talking, and one brings up how she keeps seeing these strange tiny people all over. Her friend assures her that those are just Asura, but then she insists, no these things are like the other races but in miniature and is truly baffled about just where they all come from...
    • The same area features an event that requires recapturing escaped minature animals (actually shapeshifting oozes).
  • If the player decides to join the Order of Whispers they get a somewhat cryptic letter about meeting an apple salesman in Lion's Arch. The letter ends with:
    P.S. Destroy this letter! I dunno, eat it or something. Get creative.
    • The conversation with the "apple merchant" goes something like this:
    Tybalt: Apples! Apples for sale! You there! Care to buy an Apple?
    Player character: Hello! I was told that I could meet my contact here. I'm with the Ord—
    Tybalt: Ehh, heh... Apples! Delicious apples! *hushed* What part of secret society did you not understand?
    • When the Player and Tybalt are searching for Demmi Beatlestone's wareabouts...
    Tybalt: Demmi's been kidnapped by pirates! COOL!
    • A little further down the storyline, when infiltrating a pirate camp during a rescue mission, we get Tybalt's pirate-talk:
    Tybalt: Yarr and rarr, and blimey, matey! How about you let us fellow pirates through? Avast, and bosun the prow-cap, Sailor!
    Pirate: Who did you say you were again, fella?
    Tybalt: I'm Two-Tibs A'whisker and this is Bloodcovered Backstabbin' Blackjack the Blade. Yarr! Raise the Crow's foot and rope down the jib-jabber ... gabber ... thingy ...
    • Also, when they finally get the person they came for out of the pirate's jail, he says:
    Tybalt: We're here to abscond with you and the beer. The beer's already gone so now it's your turn.
    Demmi: Thank the goddess Lyssa! I was starting to think the order had forgotten me. Do you have a plan to get us out of this place alive?
    Player Character: Sort of. The idea starts with "run for it" and generally goes downhill from there. Come on!
    • One of the best parts of the mission is how drunk your character sounds. See, to be able to find Demmi, Tybalt needed a distraction. His idea? Challenge the pirates to a drinking contest on your behalf. You consequently sound very, very tipsy throughout the cutscenes. A Sylvari male character, in particular, sounds hammered.
    • The pirates don't think too much of one of their members' drinking prowess.
    Second Mate Khebril: The bold newcomer versus your favourite cheap date, One-Drink Drake!
    One-Drink Drake: I hate you guys.
    • And the comments from each opponent as you finish drinking them under the table are pretty priceless too.
    Grana Guzzlemaw: [after getting completely smashed on grog] You must be made of sponges! Oh wise one... teach me... teach me your ways!
    • And then there's the mission where Tybalt has to disguise himself as Demmi, despite being a large male Charr. His comments throughout the mission are priceless.
    "Burn me, I'm a human girl! Whoa, I've got two hands and some lovely...apples."
    "Oh, wow. How do humans walk without tails? Right, right, here goes. [In a sing-song feminine voice] Nothing to worry about, not worried at all, look at me, I'm Demmi Beatlestone!"
    [after being grossly flirted with by the ship's captain] "You should be shot for making a girl blush so. I mean it, buddy. Shot. Well, toodle-oo, I'll see you all at Stormbluff Island! If I don't die of embarrassment first."
    "Next time, YOU can be the woman."
  • When a Norn girl is chided for throwing a grawl shaman out into the cold, your mentor for the Vigil asks, "What Spirit of the Wild told you to do that?" The response? "The Spirit of Shut Up and Mind Your Own Business, Grandpa."
  • A renown heart challenge in Metrica Province requires that you test the intelligence of singular skritt by asking them questions. God help you.
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: "I answer right, you give me treat? It good deal."
    Player Character: "I will now attempt to read your mind! There. All done."
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: "What? No! You can't read minds. It not possible!"
    Player Character: "I just did, and I saw everything. All your thoughts."
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: "No, it not possible! If you read my mind, what you see there, hmm? What you see?"
    Player Character: "Shinies."
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: (gasp) "You read miiiinds!"
    Player Character: "Hah, telepathy isn't real. You fail."
  • Each race has a different scenario through which you meet the three organizations of Tyria. For the sylvari, the goal is to find the sword Caladbolg and avenge its first owner, the sylvari firstborn Riannoc, by killing the lich that killed him. To get Caladbolg, you have to hunt down and incapacitate the human squire that stole it and left Riannoc for dead in the first place: Waine, who now uses Caladbolg to win pit fights. The Vigil wants to just go and beat him up. The Order of Whispers is a bit more creative. Choose their plan, and you go about sabotaging Waine's fight by bribing the Seraph to hit him with arrows, getting a commentator who hates him to go on duty, and drugging him. Unfortunately, he doesn't drink alone, forcing you to drink with him. Cue the Mushroom Samba with random oozes, dredge and wargs, all leading up to a grand finale in which they all turn into dancing moa birds.
    Cai: Fantastic! It worked! I thought we had no chance.
    Player Character: Hang on. Cai? What happened? Where'd the dredge go?
    Cai: Dredge... right... wow that stuff was strong. Don't worry. The good guys won. Waine fell over like a chump, and we've got Calabolg.
    Player Character: But the oozes! The oozes! And the dredge!
    Cai: Hoo boy. We'd better get out of here, before you start calling me Queen Jennah and thanking me for the tea.
  • On the topic of dancing moa birds, one of the low-level quests in Queensblade is to escort a set to a carnival, where the owner wants to buy them.
    Moa Trainer Kappa: Sorry, they're not for sale. I've worked long and hard to train these lovelies. They're like my own children.
    Kyra Barker: I'll give you 1,000 gold for them.note 
    Moa Trainer Kappa: Well, children have to leave the nest sometime. Deal!
  • These Asura battle cries:
    Player Character: I majored in pain, with a minor in suffering!
  • One of the Norn personal story options is to have blacked out at a recent moot. Surely nothing too terrible happened. Turns out, you and a member of a Charr warband took their tank on a joyride. You find this from Mangonel Gearstrip, said soldier and your drinking partner, who remembers you drinking from two kegs at the same time, while balancing a third on the head, having punched a hole in it and letting the ale just pour down your face. Your options are to express certainty it must have been some other norn, politely not disagree, or admit that it does sound like you, and offer to teach the trick.
    • Later, you have these exchanges:
      Mangonel Gearstrip: Hey, Slayer? Any luck remembering where we took it? I remember driving through snow, trying to spell "JORMAG EATS DUNG!" That was your idea.
      Player Character: I'm still drawing a blank. I vaguely remember doing swan dives off the cannon into the lake.
    • And:
      Lionguard: So, Slayer... didn't I see you swinging from the cannon of a charr vehicle last time you were here? You were headed north, towards Crossroads Haven, right? I heard you shouting, "I don't take insults from a tree! Have at you, leafy!"
      Mangonel Gearstrip: I remember that! Stupid tree.
  • A random NPC conversation in Hoelbrak:
    Female NPC:That moot...!
  • Sylvari citizen chatter.
    Female 1: I was thinking that for dinner we could start with a spikefruit salad with crab. Then the entree could be spikefruit-stuffed crab, with a spikefruit crab parfait for dessert.
    Female 2: We really need to find a chef.
  • Secunda the Watcher in Ashford and her terrible puns while assisting Skale Researcher Irkz.
    "So that's why the legions are interested in your work. They want a full skale war. Ha ha!"
  • Pretty much everyone contained in the prison area of Rata Sum.
    • And apparently, this one's in jail for being too stupid. His plaque warns the Player not to stand too close or you might "catch his stupid".
      Zaiyah: (sigh) Can I go home now?
      Prison Warden Zikki: Have you figured out a solution for the quadratic matrix of a cubic paradigm when used in a flux inhibitor yet?
      Zaiyah: Uh... Yes?
      Prison Warden Zikki: Ah you can't fool me, Zaiyah. You're not good enough at sarcasm. You're staying right where you are.
    • His fellow prisoners consist of an "Ethereal Chicken" (also known as Sir Cluckington), a ferocious "bear" (actually a transformed Norn who is unable to convince the warden he's not a bear), and a mad scientist (tried to fuse multiple animals to create an "animal cube").
  • During one of the first missions as an Asura and member of the College of Synergetics, you get this line from Zojja and her personal golem, Mr. Sparkles:
    Zojja: Yeah. And in the meantime, we'll be kicking your behind so hard you'll be wearing it as a hat! Right, Mr. Sparkles?
    Mr. Sparkles: Affirmative. Prepare—to—don—the—behind—hat.
  • Several of the things PC's say when they get an achievement are pretty humorous, but if you're playing a human, you get this:
    PC: I achieve things. I'm an achiever!
    • Things got even better during the Dragon Bash living story event. One achievement required players to eat 250 pieces of Zhaitaffy candy - consuming the candy had a chance to cause vomiting. So things get pretty weird when you're vomiting all over the place and your character says:
      Female charr: I cover myself in glory!
      Female asura: Another testament to my greatness.
      Male norn: I'm the master at life!
  • Overheard in Lion's Arch:
    NPC 1: My guild is being ruined by all the drama going on.
    NPC 2: Which guild is that?
    NPC 1: The Traveling Thespians.
  • One event in Diessa Plateau involves the character dressing up as a cow in order to teach battle moves to a rancher's herd.
    • Also on the Diessa Plateau, the cattlepult. It's exactly what it sounds like.
  • In Lion's Arch, there's a spot you can high dive from. If you ask the guy at the top if it's dangerous, he responds:
    Jaf Radlay: The only injured divers were those who had it coming, those who were just unlucky, and a few whose injuries can't be explained by fate or luck.
    Player character: Uh, thanks for the pep talk. I may put on the googles and dive anyway.
  • In the Living Story instance in Clockwork Chaos, there's a point where Lord Faren, seeing Queen Jennah in trouble, performs a Diving Save and grabs her hand... only for "Jennah" to turn out to be a mere illusionary clone. Faren's reaction is what sells it.
    Lord Faren: Well now. That, I did not expect.
  • The opening conversation for the "Fallen Hopes" Living Story quest is golden.
    Taimi: The structure is unstable. It would be unwise for us to go in. Scruffy's scan confirms that it won’t support all our weight. According to my calculations, the most efficient combination would be you, Marjory, and Kasmeer. The rest of us can wait out here.
    Rox: Did she just call us fat, Braham?
    Braham: Yup, she sure did.
    Taimi: Facts are facts. The three of us together weigh as much as nineteen Kasmeers.
    Kasmeer: Great, I'm a unit of measurement.
    • Which is brought back and made even funnier in the Guild Wars 2 wiki, where Kasmeer is used as a standard height measurement.
  • Back in the first Guild Wars, if you danced in front of Abaddon, he would dance back and kill everyone in your group with the message "You got served!" Apparently his skills were so impressive that even when he's dead, just dancing infront of a statue of him knocks you down.
  • One particular skill event in Mount Maelstrom involves fighting a skritt who mistakenly believes that the player has come to steal his treasure (which he refers to as booty). When the player wins, the skritt complains on how the player kicked his booty (the other kind). How does the player respond?
    Player: That's what happens when you shove your booty in my face.
  • There's a little Norn girl in Snowden Drifts who produces this gem.
    Lemlem: Okay, what do you call a Charr with bad breath, a bad attitude and a stench like they haven't bathed in weeks?
    Player: I give up. What?
    Lemlem: A charr.
  • In Harathi Hinterlands you can find two NPCs, Bandito and Seraphette.
    Romancing Bandito: Oh, pretty Seraphette, sweet as a rose. When I'm with you, all my troubles with local and federal law enforcement seem to fade away.
    Romancing Seraphette: Bandito, my sweet, sweet Bandito. You're the light of my life. If only I weren't duty bound to kill and/or capture you on sight.
  • In Heart of Thorns, there's the random Norn whose buddy brought him out to become savage and commune with Mordrem creatures.
    Player: A vinetooth? Majestic? Those things are horrific killers.
    Norn: No! They're beautiful! My partner and I came out here to commune with them.
    Norn: They've accepted me; I've even petted one!
    Player: Sounds like a great way to get yourself killed.
    Norn: Nonsense. Roy said they'd never hurt me...outside of the times they've already hurt me.
    Norn: Took a pretty big chunk out of my leg...
    Player: Where's your partner?
    Norn: Oh, they killed him quick.
  • The entire "Outpost: Noble Crash Site" mission chain in Verdant Brink varies from "amusing" to "hilarious", which is what you'd expect when an airship full of Divinity's Reach nobility follow Lord Faren into the jungle and get caught up in the disaster that strikes the Pact fleet. Particularly funny are the parts where Faren shows up, stripped to a loincloth and claiming to have "communed with the jungle", and at the end when Minister Merula's servant Gertrude loads the minister's luggage onto the rescue chopper and hops aboard herself, taking up the last of the room and forcing the chopper to leave the nobles behind.
    Minister Merula: Wait! Come back here! You cannot leave us in this filthy jungle!
    Baroness Jasmina: I'm pretty sure they can—because they just did.
    Lord Faren: Never fear! I, the mighty Swordmaster Faren, will protect you all. Especially you, my dear Jasmina.
    Baroness Jasmina: Oh shut up, Faren.
  • The married Asura researchers who alternate getting zapped every time you screw up the gate puzzle in Living Story Season 3 have have some goodies.
    Researcher 2: *ZAP* Jumping Jolts, what was that?
    Researcher 1: <rolling on the floor laughing> Maybe it's your conscience!
  • Taimi's communication device leads to this gem:
    Pact Lieutenant: Did...your backpack just call you "Poobah", Commander?
    Player: Long story.
  • This amusing little exchange from the mission "Taimi's Game":
    Taimi: First, remember my chak organ?
    Commander: That horribly disgusting body part of an even more horribly disgusting giant bug you keep in a despicable blighting pod fluid?
    Commander: Yes, I remember, despite desperately trying to forget.
    Taimi: I named it Spencer!
    Rytlock Brimstone: And it's somehow more disturbing.
    Taimi: Don't listen to them, Spence!
  • Head of the Snake mixes quite a bit of funny in with the high drama...
    • Canach still doesn't like working for Countess Anise very much...
    Canach: Good to see you, Commander. Hopefully we can finally finish this and I can be out from under that horrible woman's thumb. *beat* Oh, hi, Anise. I didn't see you standing there completely within my line of sight...
    Countess Anise: To think I almost missed you.
    • If you do some exploring in Caudecus' Manor it's possible to find a room with a female White Mantle Mesmer who was apparently in the progress of some...activities with a naked illusion of Lord Faren when the player character barged in to interrupt her.
    Illusion of Faren: I'm rich you know. <White Mantle Mesmer cheers>
    • At the end of the chapter, Canach and the player character search Caudecus' bedroom...
    Canach: Oh, Minister Beetlestone, you did not disappoint. Why on Tyria do you think he has a painting of Captain Thackeray in here?
    Player: That's... Maybe because... if he thought... You know what? We should probably never tell Logan about this.
    Canach: Agreed. That man's been through enough. And this would probably scar him worse than being stuffed in a blighting pod.
  • After Balthazar takes his leave, and you're left tending to Marjory:
    Medic: Back away, please. I don't care if you're the Commander, or... I don't know what's higher than a commander.
    Taimi: (from the other side of the room, very enthusiastically) Poobah!
    Medic: ...Sure, that.
  • In Living World Season 3 during the third part of Flashpoint, the player is tasked to help free the Durid Spirits in exchange for their fire-resistant shields so the player can [find Balthazar in the firey depths of a volcano. Taimi calls the Commander at one point to note that their temperatures are fluctuating. The Commander's reasoning and exchange between the two is hilarious
    Taimi: Commander, I'm getting an odd reading from the communicator. Your temperature seems to be fluctuating. Wildly.
    <Player>: Oh, yes, that makes sense. I was given a heat barrier from one of the Spirits of the Wild down here.
    Taimi: Sure. Yeah. Perfect sense. But seriously what's happening?
    <Player>: I told you. These voices spoke to me.
    Taimi: Uh-huh.
    <Player>: Then the ghost tree things told me I should free them.
    Taimi: Uh-huh.
    <Player>: And in return, they grant me protection from the high temperatures.
    Taimi: Sure, sure... So... You're clearly suffering from heat stroke. But don't panic; I'll send help your way!
    <Player>: Taimi, I'm fine. Or will be. As soon as I liberate more of my magical ghost friends.
    Taimi: Oh, boy.
  • Rytlock gets chastised by Kormir herself for his role in releasing Balthazar from his prison. His response?
    Rytlock: Yeah, uh... Sorry about that.
  • In the city of Amnoon, in the temple of the six gods, the statue of Balthazar has its head..covered by a basket. With silly markings.
  • In Path of Fire, you can stumble across Joko's forbidden vault containing a number of Palawa Joko's betrothed. Aside from the Harpy and the Ogre, nothing seems outlandish, until you get close to a certain room in there, at which point one of the brides tell you that you should leave the betrothed residing in that room alone because she's shy and don't talk much. At this point, the average inquisitive player might enter that room, thinking that she's a beautiful Shrinking Violet. And what do you find when you enter the room? A Choya. True enough, she stays completely quiet in your conversations with her. The Player Character's reaction to this revelation is what really sells this moment.
    <Player>: Oh no.
  • Whenever the Black Lion Trading Company (the in-game shop/trading center) makes an update to the gemstore, the news section of the website adds an entry with the changes as though they are written by Evon Gnashblade. The September 6, 2017 update has an... interesting tone if one pays attention to the words and the lyrics of All Star. Evon Smashblade indeed.
  • In the Daybreak episode, the player is imprisoned by the Awakened and has to escape from their cell. Their escape method is profession specific, meaning that there are nine ways to escape. For example, Necromancers summons a Flesh Wurm and teleports to its position, Thieves uses a nearby skeleton's bones as a lockpick for the door, and Elementalist conjures a flaming axe to hack their way out. Now how do Revenants escape it? By invoking Legendary Prisoner Palawa Joko, praising him so that they may escape a prison meant to keep them in.
    • The mesmer example deserves special mention for the dialog windows describing the player's incredulity that these are completely ordinary iron cell bars, with no way of preventing them from simply teleporting out.
    • The Warrior's escape deserves a chuckle as well. Warriors simply go to the prison bars and remark that they hate prison. They then work up a frenzy and get really angry as a result. Then with sheer power and brute force, they kick the door open. The dialogue window as the player begins to get worked up is pretty hilarious:
      You hate prison.
  • There are diving goggles in the Fahranur story instance. If the player character uses them, which always results in them being stripped to their skivvies for the dive, you get this exchange:
    Canach: (to Rytlock) "Why can't you ever be that spontaneous?"
    Rytlock: (growl)
    • For bonus points, it turns out the goggles don't actually count towards any achievement, unlike the ones in the open world. They're just... there.
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