Funny / Guild Wars 2

  • At one point during a charr Ash Legion character's personal story the player character is tasked with infiltrating a Flame Legion camp in disguise, which should have raised some difficulty for a female character since they have rather traditional views. The player character doesn't see this as a problem, after all she's an expert at espionage; except she barely even bothers to disguise her voice. Not one bit. The guard believes that "he's" actually got a cold.
    "I'm fine. I'm male and I'm fine!"
  • Rytlock Brimstone, ladies and gentlemen:
    "Ha! Nice work soldier. That was so much fun, I don't want to stop. Here, I'll hold up Trybulus' body, and you kill him again."
  • Logan Thackeray gets in some good ones too, like when a Minister attempts to evade court charges by challenging you to a duel. When you go to pick a second, Logan says: "Now as captain of the Seraph, I can't jump up and down and shout 'Pick me! Pick me!' But I can think it."
    • Also, when Logan volunteers himself to play as bait for some bandits and they 'surround him,' he interrupts his attacker's speech with this jewel in flat deadpan: "Oh no. Oh me! Oh mercy! Woe is me! Is this the end for poor Logan?"
  • Another one for the Charr (for those that picked the "Father died in battle" origin and chose to trust the scrappers), Ghost Cows.
    Braugit: Isola! Here come more cows! Help!
    Isola: Think about something nice, Braugit. Like bunnies or something. You like bunnies, right?
    Braugit: I do! Bunnies don't moo!
    • And upon completion, the legionnaire taunts Braugit with the thought of a steak and glass of milk.
  • In one point in the Sylvari starting area, two Sylvari are talking, and one brings up how she keeps seeing these strange tiny people all over. Her friend assures her that those are just Asura, but then she insists, no these things are like the other races but in miniature and is truly baffled about just where they all come from...
    • The same area features an event that requires recapturing escaped minature animals (actually shapeshifting oozes).
  • If the player decides to join the Order of Whispers they get a somewhat cryptic letter about meeting an apple salesman in Lion's Arch. The letter ends with:
    P.S. Destroy this letter! I dunno, eat it or something. Get creative.
    • The conversation with the "apple merchant" goes something like this:
    Tybalt: Apples! Apples for sale! You there! Care to buy an Apple?
    Player character: Hello! I was told that I could meet my contact here. I'm with the Ord—
    Tybalt: Ehh, heh... Apples! Delicious apples! *hushed* What part of secret society did you not understand?
    • When the Player and Tybalt are searching for Demmi Beatlestone's wareabouts...
    Tybalt: Demmi's been kidnapped by pirates! COOL!
    • A little further down the storyline, when infiltrating a pirate camp during a rescue mission, we get Tybalt's pirate-talk:
    Tybalt: Yarr and rarr, and blimey, matey! How about you let us fellow pirates through? Avast, and bosun the prow-cap, Sailor!
    Pirate: Who did you say you were again, fella?
    Tybalt: I'm Two-Tibs A'whisker and this is Bloodcovered Backstabbin' Blackjack the Blade. Yarr! Raise the Crow's foot and rope down the jib-jabber ... gabber ... thingy ...
    • Also, when they finally get the person they came for out of the pirate's jail, he says:
    Tybalt: We're here to abscond with you and the beer. The beer's already gone so now it's your turn.
    Demmi: Thank the goddess Lyssa! I was starting to think the order had forgotten me. Do you have a plan to get us out of this place alive?
    Player Character: Sort of. The idea starts with "run for it" and generally goes downhill from there. Come on!
    • One of the best parts of the mission is how drunk your character sounds. See, to be able to find Demmi, Tybalt needed a distraction. His idea? Challenge the pirates to a drinking contest on your behalf. You consequently sound very, very tipsy throughout the cutscenes. A Sylvari male character, in particular, sounds hammered.
    • The pirates don't think too much of one of their members' drinking prowess.
    Second Mate Khebril: The bold newcomer versus your favourite cheap date, One-Drink Drake!
    One-Drink Drake: I hate you guys.
    • And the comments from each opponent as you finish drinking them under the table are pretty priceless too. "What are you, maDE of sponges?"
    • And then there's the mission where Tybalt has to disguise himself as Demmi, despite being a large male Charr. His comments throughout the mission are priceless.
    "Burn me, I'm a human girl! Whoa, I've got two hands and some lovely...apples."
    "Oh, wow. How do humans walk without tails? Right, right, here goes. [In a sing-song feminine voice] Nothing to worry about, not worried at all, look at me, I'm Demmi Beatlestone!"
    [after being grossly flirted with by the ship's captain] "You should be shot for making a girl blush so. I mean it, buddy. Shot. Well, toodle-oo, I'll see you all at Stormbluff Island! If I don't die of embarrassment first."
    "Next time, YOU can be the woman."
  • When a Norn girl is chided for throwing a grawl shaman out into the cold, your mentor for the Vigil asks, "What Spirit of the Wild told you to do that?" The response? "The Spirit of Shut Up and Mind Your Own Business, Grandpa."
  • A renown heart challenge in Metrica Province requires that you test the intelligence of singular skritt by asking them questions. God help you.
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: "I answer right, you give me treat? It good deal."
    Player Character: "I will now attempt to read your mind! There. All done."
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: "What? No! You can't read minds. It not possible!"
    Player Character: "I just did, and I saw everything. All your thoughts."
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: "No, it not possible! If you read my mind, what you see there, hmm? What you see?"
    Player Character: "Shinies."
    Skritt IQ Test Subject: (gasp) "You read miiiinds!"
    Player Character: "Hah, telepathy isn't real. You fail."
  • Each race has a different scenario through which you meet the three organizations of Tyria. For the sylvari, the goal is to find the sword Caladbolg and avenge its first owner, the sylvari firstborn Riannoc, by killing the lich that killed him. To get Caladbolg, you have to hunt down and incapacitate the human squire that stole it and left Riannoc for dead in the first place: Waine, who now uses Caladbolg to win pit fights. The Vigil wants to just go and beat him up. The Order of Whispers is a bit more creative. Choose their plan, and you go about sabotaging Waine's fight by bribing the Seraph to hit him with arrows, getting a commentator who hates him to go on duty, and drugging him. Unfortunately, he doesn't drink alone, forcing you to drink with him. Cue the Mushroom Samba with random oozes, dredge and wargs, all leading up to a grand finale in which they all turn into dancing moa birds.
    Cai: Fantastic! It worked! I thought we had no chance.
    Player Character: Hang on. Cai? What happened? Where'd the dredge go?
    Cai: Dredge... right... wow that stuff was strong. Don't worry. The good guys won. Waine fell over like a chump, and we've got Calabolg.
    Player Character: But the oozes! The oozes! And the dredge!
    Cai: Hoo boy. We'd better get out of here, before you start calling me Queen Jennah and thanking me for the tea.
  • On the topic of dancing moa birds, one of the low-level quests in Queensblade is to escort a set to a carnival, where the owner wants to buy them.
    Moa Trainer Kappa: Sorry, they're not for sale. I've worked long and hard to train these lovelies. They're like my own children.
    Kyra Barker: I'll give you 1,000 gold for them.note 
    Moa Trainer Kappa: Well, children have to leave the nest sometime. Deal!
  • These Asura battle cries:
    Player Character: I majored in pain, with a minor in suffering!
  • One of the Norn personal story options is to have blacked out at a recent moot. Surely nothing too terrible happened. Turns out, you and a member of a Charr warband took their tank on a joyride. You find this from Mangonel Gearstrip, said soldier and your drinking partner, who remembers you drinking from two kegs at the same time, while balancing a third on the head, having punched a hole in it and letting the ale just pour down your face. Your options are to express certainty it must have been some other norn, politely not disagree, or admit that it does sound like you, and offer to teach the trick.
    • Later, you have these exchanges:
      Mangonel Gearstrip: Hey, Slayer? Any luck remembering where we took it? I remember driving through snow, trying to spell "JORMAG EATS DUNG!" That was your idea.
      Player Character: I'm still drawing a blank. I vaguely remember doing swan dives off the cannon into the lake.
    • And:
      Lionguard: So, Slayer... didn't I see you swinging from the cannon of a charr vehicle last time you were here? You were headed north, towards Crossroads Haven, right? I heard you shouting, "I don't take insults from a tree! Have at you, leafy!"
      Mangonel Gearstrip: I remember that! Stupid tree.
  • A random NPC conversation in Hoelbrak:
    Female NPC:That moot...!
  • Sylvari citizen chatter.
    Female 1: I was thinking that for dinner we could start with a spikefruit salad with crab. Then the entree could be spikefruit-stuffed crab, with a spikefruit crab parfait for dessert.
    Female 2: We really need to find a chef.
  • Pretty much everyone contained in the prison area of Rata Sum.
    • And apparently, this one's in jail for being too stupid. His plaque warns the Player not to stand too close or you might "catch his stupid".
      Zaiyah: (sigh) Can I go home now?
      Prison Warden Zikki: Have you figured out a solution for the quadratic matrix of a cubic paradigm when used in a flux inhibitor yet?
      Zaiyah: Uh... Yes?
      Prison Warden Zikki: Ah you can't fool me, Zaiyah. You're not good enough at sarcasm. You're staying right where you are.
    • His fellow prisoners consist of an "Ethereal Chicken" (also known as Sir Cluckington), a ferocious "bear" (actually a transformed Norn who is unable to convince the warden he's not a bear), and a mad scientist (tried to fuse multiple animals to create an "animal cube").
  • During one of the first missions as an Asura and member of the College of Synergetics, you get this line from Zojja and her personal golem, Mr. Sparkles:
    Zojja: Yeah. And in the meantime, we'll be kicking your behind so hard you'll be wearing it as a hat! Right, Mr. Sparkles?
    Mr. Sparkles: Affirmative. Prepare—to—don—the—behind—hat.
  • Several of the things PC's say when they get an achievement are pretty humorous, but if you're playing a human, you get this:
    PC: I achieve things. I'm an achiever!
    • Things got even better during the Dragon Bash living story event. One achievement required players to eat 250 pieces of Zhaitaffy candy - consuming the candy had a chance to cause vomiting. So things get pretty weird when you're vomiting all over the place and your character says:
      Female charr: I cover myself in glory!
      Female asura: Another testament to my greatness.
      Male norn: I'm the master at life!
  • Overheard in Lion's Arch:
    NPC 1: My guild is being ruined by all the drama going on.
    NPC 2: Which guild is that?
    NPC 1: The Traveling Thespians.
  • One event in Diessa Plateau involves the character dressing up as a cow in order to teach battle moves to a rancher's herd.
    • Also on the Diessa Plateau, the cattlepult. It's exactly what it sounds like.
  • In Lion's Arch, there's a spot you can high dive from. If you ask the guy at the top if it's dangerous, he responds:
    Jaf Radlay: The only injured divers were those who had it coming, those who were just unlucky, and a few whose injuries can't be explained by fate or luck.
    Player character: Uh, thanks for the pep talk. I may put on the googles and dive anyway.
  • In the Living Story instance in Clockwork Chaos, there's a point where Lord Faren, seeing Queen Jennah in trouble, performs a Diving Save and grabs her hand... only for "Jennah" to turn out to be a mere illusionary clone. Faren's reaction is what sells it.
    Lord Faren: Well now. That, I did not expect.
  • The opening conversation for the "Fallen Hopes" Living Story quest is golden.
    Taimi: The structure is unstable. It would be unwise for us to go in. Scruffy's scan confirms that it won’t support all our weight. According to my calculations, the most efficient combination would be you, Marjory, and Kasmeer. The rest of us can wait out here.
    Rox: Did she just call us fat, Braham?
    Braham: Yup, she sure did.
    Taimi: Facts are facts. The three of us together weigh as much as nineteen Kasmeers.
    Kasmeer: Great, I'm a unit of measurement.
    • Which is brought back and made even funnier in the Guild Wars 2 wiki, where Kasmeer is used as a standard height measurement.
  • Back in the first Guild Wars, if you danced in front of Abaddon, he would dance back and kill everyone in your group with the message "You got served!" Apparently his skills were so impressive that even when he's dead, just dancing infront of a statue of him knocks you down.
  • One particular skill event in Mount Maelstrom involves fighting a skritt who mistakenly believes that the player has come to steal his treasure (which he refers to as booty). When the player wins, the skritt complains on how the player kicked his booty (the other kind). How does the player respond?
    Player: That's what happens when you shove your booty in my face.
  • There's a little Norn girl in Snowden Drifts who produces this gem.
    Lemlem: Okay, what do you call a Charr with bad breath, a bad attitude and a stench like they haven't bathed in weeks?
    Player: I give up. What?
    Lemlem: A charr.
  • In Harathi Hinterlands you can find two NP Cs, Bandito and Seraphette.
    Romancing Bandito: Oh, pretty Seraphette, sweet as a rose. When I'm with you, all my troubles with local and federal law enforcement seem to fade away.
    Romancing Seraphette: Bandito, my sweet, sweet Bandito. You're the light of my life. If only I weren't duty bound to kill and/or capture you on sight.
  • In Heart of Thorns, there's the random Norn whose buddy brought him out to become savage and commune with Mordrem creatures.
    Player: "And your partner... what happened to him?"
    Norn: "Oh, they killed him quick."
  • The married Asura researchers who alternate getting zapped every time you screw up the gate puzzle in Living Story Season 3 have have some goodies.
    Researcher 2: *ZAP* "Jumping Jolts, what was that?"
    Researcher 1: *rolling on the floor laughing* "Maybe it's your conscience!"
  • Head of the Snake mixes quite a bit of funny in with the high drama...
    • Canach still doesn't like working for Countess Anise very much...
    Canach: Good to see you, Commander. Hopefully we can finally finish this and I can be out from under that horrible woman's thumb. *beat* Oh, hi, Anise. I didn't see you standing there completely within my line of sight...
    Countess Anise: To think I almost missed you.
    • If you do some exploring in Caudecus' Manor it's possible to find a room with a female White Mantle Mesmer who was apparently in the progress of some...activities with a naked illusion of Lord Faren when the player character barged in to interrupt her.
    Illusion of Faren: I'm rich you know. <White Mantle Mesmer cheers>
    • At the end of the chapter, Canach and the player character search Caudecus' bedroom...
    Canach: Oh, Minister Beetlestone, you did not disappoint. Why on Tyria do you think he has a painting of Captain Thackeray in here?
    Player: That's... Maybe because... if he thought... You know what? We should probably never tell Logan about this.
    Canach: Agreed. That man's been through enough. And this would probably scar him worse than being stuffed in a blighting pod.