Funny / Cow and Chicken

  • Red making his own siren noises when he becomes a mall cop.
    • ANYTHING by Red like when he rolls around or walks on his butt.
  • In a bid to figure out Super Cow's identity, Red Guy opens a dry cleaners for superheroes.
    Red Guy: Now, whoever brings in a Supercow costume is the real Supercow. (Doorbell rings) Oh, sounds like I've got my first costumer!
    (A bunch of men in costumes charge in, and then charge out holding claim tickets in their boxers)
    Red Guy: (Holding up one costume) Corn Cob Man? There's a lot of sick people in this town. See here.
    • When Chicken pretends to be Super Cow and tries to speak Spanish, but not very well. "¿Donde esta el baño? — "Where is the bathroom?"
      Red Guy: I don't know what you just said. BUT I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU SAID IT!!
    • Red tries to lure out Supercow by pretending to be a superhero crushed a huge chunk of kryptonite.
      "Help, superhero down. Need assistance."
  • A nurse telling Cow that she has been retroactively banned from sumo wrestling.
    Nurse: You won't be wrestling today, yesterday, or three years ago!
  • In "Lost at Sea", Flem and Earl forget that they're taking a bath together, and ask Flem's dad how they forgot where they were. He doesn't know. The Red Guy then shows up dressed as a doctor and directly addresses the audience with an explanation.
    The Red Guy: Of course Flem's dad couldn't explain what had happened, because HE'S AN IDIOT! Oh just look at those shorts.
    • And after he explains it, he himself forgets who he is, and flies through the wall and into the sunset thinking that he is Amelia Earhart.
  • Red reading a fairy tale from a cookbook in "Goin' My Way":
    "And then, the Three Little Bacon Steaks were put in the oven and baked at 350, smothered in chocolate! The end."
  • In "The Legend of Sailcat" (which is weird even by their standards) they have one bit where Flem's dad sings that "when someone's depressed or has had a bad day (Sailcat) can always drop in with the right thing to say". What does Sailcat say to the bawling Cow? " Don't be depressed Cow, people like you because you're big and fat and ugly. Go with it!"
  • From "Comet!": "PLEASE, walk this way." (Red bounces on his butt and everyone except Chicken does the same)
    • Red freaking out from the comet (actually Chicken pranking him with a golf ball).
      Make up your mind, comet!
    • "Oh grandma. WE'RE ALL DEAD MEAT!"
  • From the episode where Cow accidentally swallows Chicken, they take her to "Dr. Heiney". He proceeds to do a series of random tests before taking a "milk sample" from Cow.
    Dad: Uh, doctor what is the point of this experiment?
    Dr. Heiney: Well, I'm thirsty, and your daughter's a cow. DO THE MATH!
  • Red's epic breakdown in "I Scream, Man", and then ending up in a mental clinic for it.
    Red: AAAAAHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! I don't have any ice cream! None whatso...EVER! (Hangs near the side of the cop, then switches to a calm, quiet voice) I don't even like ice cream, (switches back to Large Ham mode) OR KIDS! It says "Eye Screem" on my truck, not "Ice Cream"! Get it? 'cause I SCREAM!!! Look at me. (screams while spinning in circles) SCREAMING IS MY HOBBYYYYYY!!!!!!
    Policeman: (hits Red with a sausage) It's the padded cell for you, scream man!
  • From "The Great Pantzini," Red (as The Great Pantzini) making Mike the micro-trunked elephant cry by bringing up the time he crushed the Chinese acrobats (now referred to as, "The Chinese Pancakes.") and Red trying to convince Chicken that a weenie dog is his one-trick pony.
  • "You don't think? What are you, communists?"
  • All of "Who's Afraid of the Dark?", especially Dr. Laxslax, who's scared of everything.
    • And it all culminates in Mom and Dad deciding to adopt Dr. Laxslax on the spot even though he's a grown man.
  • After the "Buffalo Gals" break into the duo's house and start eating their carpet.
    Dad: (jumping onto Mom in fear) Don't let 'em get me! Don't let 'em get me!
    Mom: They're not after you. (laughs)
  • In "Sergeant Weenie Arms", when the titular drill sergeant orders Chicken, Flem, and Earl to cut down a cave-tree as part of their Weenie Marine training. With their faces.
    • He later turns out to be actually really girly.
  • In "Child Star", Red finishes shooting his movie with Cow as the star, only to discover that he is completely out of a movie since the camera didn't have film in it. His solution? When he goes to present the film, he improvises using shadow puppets. And it works.
    Red Guy: Pretty little girl, starring in Pretty Little Girl. Uh, a pretty little girl went for a walk, (Red is revealed to be in the projector room) and met Jaime the neighbor boy whose cat was stuck in a tree. Uh, then invited all her friends to a tea party, where they, um, ooh, danced and MADE MERRY! And—and—and had cake, and, and...ohhhh... The end. (ends by showing a silhouette of his rear)
    Mr. Carp: Panced! Get down here! (The Red Guy goes up to him by rolling on the floor) Oh, you're a genius!
    Red Guy: (gasp) I am?
    Mr. Carp: Oh yes, yes. It's got action, it's got drama, it's got dance! Oh, it's going to be a hit hit hit! Oh, welcome to Hollywood, Mr. Panced!
  • The cashier yelling at Chicken for having a credit card with 25 cents worth of credit on it on "Free Inside."
  • On "Perpetual Energy": Dad doing shadow puppets with the perpetual energy light (a bunny, a big, fat pig, and a silhouetted woman he refers to as "Grandpa").
  • From "The Karate Chick":
    • Ben Panced's (the karate teacher) line's, "In karate, butt fu is most revered. (suggestively): And rear-viewed."
    • Ben Panced getting attacked by a shark (and liking it) while recreating the pole balance scene from The Karate Kid.
    • The homeless veterinarian's story of how he went insane: he worked as a vet for a company that made sure chickens were healthy, not knowing until it was too late that it's for O.F.C. (Ohio Fried Chicken), a company that processes chickens for food. When he saw his best patient, Lamar, get turned into a chicken loaf sandwich, he tried to revive him, but to no avail. Chicken then uses this new knowledge to trigger the homeless vet and get Dick the Bully (who's only a bully on school days; on weekends, he collects money for charity and helps the poor) to fight him by wrapping himself in bread and putting himself on a roasting spit over a fire.
  • In "The Ugliest Wienie Part 2" (Or 3), Dad exclaims that Cow and Chicken are about to become thespians, to which Mom reproachfully responds "Oh honey."
  • Every time Dad and Mom make comments about how one's either a man or one's a lady.
    Dad: It's times like these that make me proud to feel like a MAN!
    Mom: Me too, dear!
  • "The Babysitter": The depressed comedian's stories at The Sad Club, which make Mom and Dad laugh and complain that the man is terrible:
    Depressed Comedian (tearfully): And then my cat ran away, right before my fiancee dumped me, but I didn't get message 'cuz they repossessed my phone. And I showed up at the church to find her...(bawling): marrying my cat! (sobs)
    Depressed Comedian (tearfully): ...then, the gangrene set in, and then my grandma beat up my dog! (sobs)
  • Chicken tormenting his family by taking a stand in the bathroom in "Chicken in the Bathroom", leading to many an Unusual Euphemism and Mom and Dad contorting their legs into knots. To name but few:
    Dad: Gotta....shake....hands...with the president!
    Mom: Gotta run for congress here...yi-yi-yi-yi-yi...
  • The "Pummel Horse" in "P.E." where instead of using the pommel horse displayed below the sign, Chicken (and later Flem and Earl) is pummeled by horses. After the first punch, he utters this line.
    The Red Guy: Ohh, a chicken suit! NOW I CAN DIE HAPPY!
  • Boneless Chicken shines in "Alive!" where he plays Deadpan Snarker to a panicky Cow when they're stuck on the roof. The poor chicken ends up frying (with inexplicable bacon and eggs) with blisters bubbling on his body as he becomes delusional.
    Boneless: Is that you, Grandpa? (Cow sprays him with milk) Grandma!
    Pilot: "My cousin and I were playing catch and I tossed him too high on the roof and then I came up. And now we both need..." Need what? (the plane then gets stuck on a tree)
    • Also the months of being marooned on the roof? It was only half an hour.
  • "The Day I Was Born" has the scene where Cow is being delivered. We can hear the Red Guy screaming about pushing and seeing the head while Dad and Chicken wait for news...and then we get this gem.
    Dad: Push! Push!
    Mom: *walks over to Dad and Chicken* What's going on, Dad?
    Dad: You're having a baby.
  • "Class this is pi, as in 'Shut your pie holes!' RECESS!!!!"
    • "Time for recess, pie hole."