Funny / Cow and Chicken

• ANYTHING by the Red Guy, like when he rolls around, walks on his butt, or makes his own siren noises when he becomes a mall cop.
• In a bid to figure out Super Cow's identity, Red Guy opens a dry cleaners for superheroes.
  Red Guy: Now, whoever brings in a Supercow costume is the real Supercow.
  [The door bell rings]
  Red Guy: Oh, sounds like I've got my first costumer!
  [A bunch of men in costumes charge in, and then charge out holding claim tickets in their boxers.]
  Red Guy: [holding up one costume] Corn Cobb Man? There's a lot of sick people in this town.
  • Cow, having presumably foreseen this exact scenario, asks Chicken to fetch the costume for her, and when Chicken shows the correct claim ticket, Red Guy asks him what exactly he puts in the four holes on the front (where Cows udders go).
  Chicken: GIMME THAT! I'm picking it up as a favor! Jeez!
  • When Chicken pretends to be Super Cow and tries to speak Spanish, but not very well. "¿Donde esta el baño? — "Where is the bathroom?"
    Red Guy: I don't know what you just said. BUT I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU SAID IT!!
  • After following Chicken to his and Cow's house, Red Guy realizes that Super Cow has to live there, so he goes over everything he knows about the superheroine. It amounts to three things; she's a superhero, she speaks Spanish, and she's a cow. Since Cow doesn't speak spanish or act as a superhero unless in costume, the first two attempts still fail.
  • Red tries to lure out Supercow by pretending to be a superhero crushed by a huge chunk of kryptonite.
    "Help, superhero down. Need assistance."
  • After being defeated, Red Guy says that the beating Supercow gave him wasn't too bad... only for all the other superheroes who left their costumes at the cleaners (which were all trashed during the fight) to suddenly show up and beat him half to death for ruining their costumes.
• "Sumo Cow"
  • A nurse telling Cow that she has been retroactively banned from sumo wrestling.
    Nurse: You won't be wrestling today, yesterday, or three years ago!
  • Cow becomes a sumo wrestling superstar despite not actually doing any wrestling; she's just too heavy to move, so all her competitors either bounce off her or exhaust themselves trying to move her.
• In "Professor Longhorn Steer", the Professor's attempts at "homeschooling" Cow and Chicken, which mostly revolve around gambling and other dubious topics. This culminates in him teaching them how to steal hubcaps, which gets Professor Steer arrested.
• In "Lost at Sea", Flem and Earl forget that they're taking a bath together, and ask Flem's dad how they forgot where they were. He doesn't know. The Red Guy then shows up dressed as a doctor and directly addresses the audience with an explanation.
  The Red Guy: Of course Flem's dad couldn't explain what had happened, because HE'S AN IDIOT! Oh just look at those shorts.
  • And after he explains it (the amnesia was caused by the steam from the bathwater), he himself forgets who he is after inhaling the steam from his tea, and flies through the wall and into the sunset thinking that he is Amelia Earhart.
  • The ridiculous flashbacks Flem and Earl have while reminiscing about life together, such as running with the bulls in Pamplona, and eating cheese in Paris, none of which ever happened.
    [The Red Guy suddenly appears in the water with them]
    Red Guy: Oh please, like the two of you have ever been further than your living room!
    * cut to a scene with Flem and Earl zoned out in front of the TV*
  • There's something especially funny about Flem screaming about the bulls in the Pamplona fantasy, like he was honestly shocked that an event called "Running with the Bulls" included bulls.
• Red reading a fairy tale from a cookbook in "Goin' My Way":
  "And then, the Three Little Bacon Steaks were put in the oven and baked at 350, smothered in chocolate! The end."
• In "The Legend of Sailcat" (which is weird even by their standards) they have one bit where Flem's dad sings that "when someone's depressed or has had a bad day (Sailcat) can always drop in with the right thing to say". What does Sailcat say to the bawling Cow? "Don't be depressed, Cow, people like you because you're big and fat and ugly. Go with it!"
  • What is the Sailcat? He was a stray cat who was given Flying Brick superpowers by a passing meteor seconds before getting run over by a car. Since he was made immortal, the truck just made him flat as a frisbee but didn't kill him, so now he travels the winds and does good deeds.
• "Comet"
  • "PLEASE, walk this way." (Red bounces on his butt and everyone except Chicken does the same)
  • The exhibit showing the asteroid strike that killed the dinosaurs (or rather the cartoon version, since it includes cavemen); a giant boulder just crushes them all in the most Looney Tunes-way possible.
  • Red freaking out from the comet (actually Chicken pranking him with a golf ball).
    Make up your mind, comet!
  • "Oh grandma. WE'RE ALL DEAD MEAT!"
  • Chicken sells "comet-proof" equipment (in reality just random junk from the garage he's painted with glitter).
  • A news anchor announces that because of the comet's arrival, many people are doing things they've always wanted to do. After announcing that a man (the Red Guy) has married himself, the news anchor then does what he wanted to do, which is tear off his suit to reveal a weenie costume and act like a lunatic over it.
• From "Journey to the Center of Cow" where Cow accidentally swallows Chicken, they take her to "Dr. Bottoms." He proceeds to do a series of random tests before taking a "milk sample" from Cow.
  Dad: Uh, Dr. Bottoms what's that for?
  Dr. Bottoms: Well, I'm thirsty, and your daughter's a cow. DO THE MATH!
  • Upon realizing Chicken's in the clutches of the stomach enzymes.
    Dr. Bottoms: Your son is in grave danger!
    Mom: You mean he's not in Cow?
  • Dr. Bottoms then explains Chicken's going to be digested by Cow's stomach enzymes if they don't hurry.
    Dad Uh, is that a bad thing?
    Dr. Bottoms: I see you're a simpleton. THINGS DON'T LOOK GOOD, MOM AND DAD!!!
• "I Scream, Man":
  • The Red Guy in this episode takes the role of a paranoid ice cream man, who frantically tries to escape from Cow and Chicken and throws all his ice cream at them. This comes back to bite him when he is forced to stop by a policeman also wanting ice cream and doesn't have any to sell, so he gives Chicken ice cubes in a cone and Cow a beaver in a cone (SURPRISE!). Finally, he couldn't take the pressure any longer and jumps out of his van, giving off an epic breakdown that's one of the funniest in history.
    The Red Guy: [screams] I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! I don't have any ice cream! None whatso...EVER! [hangs near the side of the cop, then switches to a calm, quiet voice] I don't even like ice cream, [switches back to Large Ham mode] OR KIDS! It says "Eye Screem" on my truck, not "Ice Cream"! Get it? 'cause I SCREAM!!! Look at me. [spins around, screams again and later becomes dizzy] Ooh, ha ha. Screaming is my HOBBYYYYYY!!!!!!
    Policeman: [hits Red with a weenie] It's the padded cell for you, scream man!
  • The pig's Freak Out after Mom mentions "piggy pops".
    Pig: "PIGGY POPS"?! Okay! That is it! Timeout! I've put enough psychological torture for one pig! You guys are CANNIBALS! Do you hear me?! YOU ARE ALL OFF YOUR NUT!! [runs out screaming]
    Mom: What is up with that?
    [Mom reaches into the fridge and pulls out the piggy pops, which are revealed to be just pink popsicles shaped like pigs]
    Dad: You know, Mama, we lose more Arbor Day piggies that way.
    [The family all laugh as Cow and Chicken enjoy their pops]
  • Later, the pig is locked up in an asylum, where the Red Guy is already confined.
    Red Guy: What are you in for, did ya squeal?
  • Red makes a No Animals Were Harmed disclaimer at the end of the episode... and then he complains that HE was harmed instead (more than once).
    • And he blames creator David Feiss for his misery.
• From "The Great Pantzini," Red (as The Great Pantzini) making Mike the micro-trunked elephant cry by bringing up the time he crushed the Chinese acrobats (now referred to as, "The Chinese Pancakes.") and Red trying to convince Chicken that a weenie dog is his one-trick pony.
• "You don't think? What are you, communists?"
• All of "Who's Afraid of the Dark?", especially Dr. Laxslax, who's scared of everything.
  • And it all culminates in Mom and Dad deciding to adopt Dr. Laxslax on the spot even though he's a grown man.
• After the "Buffalo Gals" break into the duo's house and start eating their carpet.
  Dad: [jumping onto Mom in fear] Don't let 'em get me! Don't let 'em get me!
  Mom: They're not after you. [laughs]
• In "Sergeant Weenie Arms", when the titular drill sergeant orders Chicken, Flem, and Earl to cut down a cave-tree as part of their Weenie Marine training. With their faces. It works too, one night of training is all it takes for the three to become super buff badasses.
  • He later turns out to be actually really girly. In his view, REAL men aren't afraid of playing with dolls.
• In "Child Star", Red finishes shooting his movie with Cow as the star, only to discover that he is completely out of a movie since the camera didn't have film in it. His solution? When he goes to present the film, he improvises using shadow puppets. And it works.
  Red Guy: Pretty little girl, starring in Pretty Little Girl. Uh, a pretty little girl went for a walk, [Red is revealed to be in the projector room] and met Jaime the neighbor boy whose cat was stuck in a tree. Uh, then invited all her friends to a tea party, where they, um, ooh, danced and MADE MERRY! And—and—and had cake, and, and...ohhhh... The end. [ends by showing a silhouette of his rear]
  Mr. Carp: Panced! Get down here!
  [The Red Guy goes up to him by rolling on the floor]
  Mr. Carp: Oh, you're a genius!
  Red Guy: [gasp] I am?
  Mr. Carp: Oh yes, yes. It's got action, it's got drama, it's got dance! Oh, it's going to be a hit hit hit! Oh, welcome to Hollywood, Mr. Panced!
• The cashier yelling at Chicken for having a credit card with 25 cents worth of credit on it on "Free Inside."
• On "Perpetual Energy": Dad doing shadow puppets with the perpetual energy light (a bunny, a big, fat pig, and a silhouetted woman he refers to as "Grandpa").
• From "The Karate Chick":
  • Ben Panced's (the karate teacher) line's, "In karate, butt fu is most revered. [suggestively]: And rear-viewed."
  • Ben Panced getting attacked by a shark (and liking it) while recreating the pole balance scene from The Karate Kid.
  • The homeless veterinarian's story of how he went insane: he worked as a vet for a company that made sure chickens were healthy, not knowing until it was too late that it's for O.F.C. (Ohio Fried Chicken), a company that processes chickens for food. When he saw his best patient, Lamar, get turned into a chicken loaf sandwich, he tried to revive him, but to no avail. Chicken then uses this new knowledge to trigger the homeless vet and get Dick the Bully (who's only a bully on school days; on weekends, he collects money for charity and helps the poor) to fight him by wrapping himself in bread and putting himself on a roasting spit over a fire.
• In "The Ugliest Weenie Part 2" (Or 3), Dad exclaims that Cow and Chicken are about to become thespians, to which Mom reproachfully responds "Oh honey."
• Every time Dad and Mom make comments about how one's either a man or one's a lady.
  Dad: It's times like these that make me proud to feel like a MAN!
  Mom: Me too, dear!
• "The Babysitter": The depressed comedian's stories at The Sad Club, which make Mom and Dad laugh and complain that the man is terrible:
  Depressed Comedian: [tearfully] And then my cat ran away, right before my fiancee dumped me, but I didn't get the message 'cuz they repossessed my phone. And I showed up at the church to find her... [bawling]…marrying my cat! [sobs]
  [Later…]
  Depressed Comedian: [tearfully] ...then, the gangrene set in, and then my grandma beat up my dog! [sobs]
• The "Pummel Horse" in "P.E." where instead of using the pommel horse displayed below the sign, Chicken (and later Flem and Earl) is pummeled by horses. After the first punch, he utters this line.
  Chicken: That's the last time I leave the toilet seat up, Grandma.
  • There's also the scene where Chicken, Flem, and Earl have their clothes stolen by a pair of bullies and thrown out the window while they're showering. The Red Guy finds the clothes and picks out his favorite (Chicken's chicken suit, of course) from the pile.
    The Red Guy: Ohh, a chicken suit! NOW I CAN DIE HAPPY!
• Boneless Chicken shines in "Alive!" where he plays Deadpan Snarker to a panicky Cow when they're stuck on the roof. The poor chicken ends up frying (with inexplicable bacon and eggs) with blisters bubbling on his body as he becomes delusional.
  Boneless: Is that you, Grandpa?
  [Cow sprays him with milk]
  Boneless: Grandma!
  • Cow's very long SOS on the roof also counts.
    Pilot: "My cousin and I were playing catch and I tossed him too high on the roof and then I came up. And now we both need..." Need what?
    [The plane then gets stuck on a tree]
  • Also the months of being marooned on the roof? It was only half an hour.
  • The shot of skeletons on the roof of a neighboring house after Boneless Chicken insists to his cousin Cow that no one's died from getting stuck on the roof.
• "The Day I Was Born" has the scene where Cow is being delivered. We can hear the Red Guy screaming about pushing and seeing the head while Dad and Chicken wait for news...and then we get this gem.
  Dad: Push! Push!
  [Mom walks over to join Dad and Chicken]
  Mom: What's going on, Dad?
  Dad: You're having a baby.
• "Class this is pi, as in 'Shut your pie holes!' RECESS!!!!"
  • "Time for recess, pie hole."
    • "GET OFF MY CASE!!!!"
• In "Dirty Laundry," Cow and Chicken get the Red Guy (as "Geraldo Rearviewa") thrown in prison after he humiliated several of their friends and had some of them chased by an angry mob. Who does Geraldo meet the second he's in jail? The Warden version of the Red Guy. No one's more surprised than Rearviewa.
  • The inexplicable angry mob that's always waiting on the sidelines as soon as any news are released.
• In "Cow's Pie," Cow's persistent attempts to convince Chicken to try her pie after Chicken refuses are just priceless:
  • Dad orders Chicken to try Cow's pie. It's Cow in disguise.
  • Chicken expecting Cow to be hiding in the bathtub, she's isn't. After Chicken turns the shower on, Cow emerges from the shower nozzle, udder first. After refusing yet again, Cow retreats back through the nozzle.
  • Chicken asks Mom what's for breakfast. It's also Cow in disguise.
  • At school, Cow ends up in Chicken's locker via Offscreen Teleportation.
  • Cow begging through the classroom window. Chicken ends up yelling in class, resulting in him sitting on a stool with a Dunce Cap.
  • During recess, Chicken attempts to catch a football. He ends up catching Cow's pie instead.
  • Chicken gives in after Cow removes all the food from the kitchen.
  • Cow's pie was made using random inedible objects from around the house. After all that, Chicken ends up liking the pie.
• "The Cow with Four Eyes"
  • Chicken's statements when he flubs his way through reading the eye chart provided by Dr. Seymour Butz.
    Chicken: "Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Freely". That's a weird chart, doc! You let little kids read that?
  • Pretty much all the nonsense Chicken spouts out when convinced that his new glasses have made him smarter, especially claiming that the first man on the moon was actually Poopy the Clown and that the Spleen are a hostile alien race planning to conquer Earth.
• The ending of "School Bully", where Chicken pops both Butch and the new bully with a needle, revealing them to be tiny men wearing inflatable suits. The same fate then befalls Flem, Cow, and the teacher. Chicken then shrugs and pops himself, reducing him to be another tiny person. Earl remarks that this must make him the new bully, after which two girls laugh at his claim.
• "Squirt the Daisies"
  • All of the abuse Chicken goes through in the Red Guy's virtual reality games, like when the game of Duck Duck Goose ends with a dragon-like goose crushing him with its butt.
  • The Red Guy throwing a tantrum when he runs out of quarters and gets a Game Over before he can finish tormenting Cow and Chicken.
  • Then there's his comeuppance when he tries to show off his superior skills towards Chicken on Squirt the Daisies. Chicken replies with a deadpan "I'm watching..." and then pulls the power lead out the wall, causing the machine to shut down and the Red Guy to freak out and subsequently vanish in a white flash reminiscent of a CRT monitor being turned off. Doubles as a moment of awesome for Chicken, as all he had to do was stop playing and turn the machine off to stop receiving all that abuse from The Red Guy.
• "The Full Mounty" ends with the revelation that the Office Mounty (another of the Red Guy's aliases) is actually an Uruguayan who's pretending to be a Canadian Mountie because his dad wanted him to be a meter maid.
• Chicken tormenting his family by taking a stand in the bathroom in "Chicken in the Bathroom", leading to many an Unusual Euphemism and Mom and Dad contorting their legs into knots. To name but few:
  Cow: I'VE GOTTA GO PEEL THE ONIONS!!!
  Dad: Gotta....shake....hands...with the president!
  Mom: Gotta run for congress here...yi-yi-yi-yi-yi...
• A short segment has Red (from behind the curtains) recalling an incident from when he was "ni-yun", when his father took him house hunting. No, he didn't mean they were looking for a new home. They were literally hunting houses.
  Red: We ate SHINGLES for a month! I could never look at a porch the same way AGAIN! [breaks down in tears]