Funny / Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 3

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"Anne" (3x01)

• Willow confronting the vampire in the opening.
  Willow: That's right, big boy. Come and get it.
• Oz stands up, the music swelling dramatically, and throws his stake at the retreating vampire. Cue the stake bouncing harmlessly off a gravestone several feet short of the target.
• After the vampire escapes:
  Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
  Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
  Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having—"Come and get it, big boy"?
  Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
  Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time, it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.
• Willow is confused as to why Oz would be at school bearing textbooks, considering he was a senior last season.
  Oz: Well, it's sort of a funny story. You remember when I didn't graduate?
  Willow: Well, I know you had a lot of incompletes, but that's what summer school was for.
  Oz: Yeah. You remember when I didn't go?
• Larry on the football team's chances for a winning season. "If we can focus, keep discipline...and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna rule!"
• Buffy is found in the blood bank office after hours and asked what she's doing there.
  "Breaking into your office and going through your private files."
  • The woman then says she'll call the police. Buffy casually rips the telephone off the wall beside her, all the while never looking up from the files.
  • And when she's told she's in a lot of trouble, she gives this immortal riposte.
    "I don't want trouble. I just want to be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one. Instead, all I get is trouble, which I am more than willing to share."
• Buffy trying to get into Family Home.
  Buffy: You know, I just—I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm...I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the...sex and the...envy and that...that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. Uh..." Oh, I just suck at undercover. Where's Ken? [mook tries to shut the door in her face, and she kicks it open]
• During the climactic fight, the villain takes Lily hostage at knife-point, then steps away and begins to monologue. You see Lily's brain processing for a moment before she reaches out, shoves him over a ledge, and stares at her handiwork in wide-eyed surprise.
• This:
  Buffy: [standing over a trapped demon while holding a big club] Hey, Ken, want to see my impression of Gandhi?
  WHAM!
  Lily: ...Gandhi?
  Buffy: Well, you know, if he was really pissed off.

"Dead Man’s Party" (3x02)

• Buffy's mom hangs up the ill-fated mask.
  Joyce: It cheers up the room.
  Buffy: It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer.
• Buffy's face when she hears Cordelia over Xander's walkie-talkie addressing him as "Nighthawk".
  Buffy: Nighthawk?
• Cordelia's reaction to seeing Buffy for the first time this season.
  Cordelia: [after being thrown into her by a vampire] Hey, Buffy!
  • Then Buffy wordlessly tosses her aside out of the way.
• Britishism fail.
  Buffy: I got in a few hours ago, but I wanted to go see my mom first.
  Giles: Yes, yes, of course. How did you find her?
  Buffy: Well, I pretty much remembered the address.
  Giles: I mean, uh, how are things between you?
• Giles complains about the smell of the zombie cat, and Buffy snarks, "You know, I wanted Forest Pine or April Fresh, but Mom wanted Dead Cat."
• Oz explaining the difference between a gathering, a shindig, and a hootenanny.
  Oz: What kind of deal is this? Is it a gathering, a shindig, or a hootenanny?
  Cordelia: What's the difference?
  Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings. Shindig, dip. Less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage. And hootenanny? Just chock full of "hoot" and a liiiittle bit of "nanny."
• Giles imitating Joyce while driving to Buffy's house.
  Giles: Unbelievable. [imitating Joyce] "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It RAISES THE DEAD." Americans!
  • The best part of the joke is that this is said by a man so engrossed in kvetching about Eaglelanders that he then wraps his Alleged Car around one of the aforementioned raised dead.
• Giles hot-wiring his car:
  Giles: Like riding a bloody bicycle!
• Jonathan getting caught in the middle of a verbal spat between Buffy and her mother and friends.
  Buffy: Great, anyone else want to weigh in on this? You there, by the dip.
  Jonathan: No, thanks.
• Cordelia tries to support Buffy in the argument.
  Cordelia: Time out, Xand. I mean, put yourself in Buffy's shoes for a minute. I'm Buffy—freak of nature, right? Naturally, I pick a freak for a boyfriend... Then he's Mister Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault, and—
  Buffy: Cordy. Get out of my shoes.
• In possibly the best example of Tempting Fate, Willow sarcastically states they should solve their argument with violence. As if on cue, the zombies show up.
  Willow: I was being sarcastic!

"Faith, Hope & Trick" (3x03)

• The episode opens with Willow talking to Oz about how now, as a senior, she can go off campus for lunch.
  Willow: It's no longer cutting. It's legal. Heck, it's expected. Oh, it's also a big step forward, a senior moment, one that has to be savored. [Xander and Cordelia are walking up from behind] You can't just rush into this, you know? [Oz exchanges a look with Xander, and they pick her up under her arms, carrying her over the threshold] OHH! No, I can't.
  Oz: You can. See, you are.
  Willow: Oh, but no, what if they changed the rule without telling? What if they're lying in wait to arrest me and-and throw me in detention and mar my unblemished record?
  • Willow also suggests they not act too couple-y around Buffy...
    Cordelia: Oh you mean because of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
    Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell or what?
• Buffy has prepared some food, to the others' surprise.
  Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart?
  Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto.
  Xander: I don't believe she slays either.
  Oz: Oh, I hear she can but she doesn't like to.
• Willow suggests that Buffy attract Scott Hope by doing "that thing with your mouth that boys like". Buffy gives her an alarmed expression, and Willow hurriedly explain that she means a half smile she does that's cute.
  Willow: [to Oz] You're supposed to stop me when I do that.
  Oz: I like when you do that.
• Snyder is forced to rescind Buffy's expulsion.
  Buffy: So let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
  Joyce: Buffy, sit down. [to Snyder] I believe what my daughter is trying to say is... Nyah nyah, nuh-nyah nyah!
• In the library:
  Buffy: Giles say what he wanted? Do you think he's mad?
  Willow: No, I don't think so. I think he just needed to see you. Have you ever noticed, though, when he is mad but he's too English to say anything, he makes that weird cluck-cluck sound with his tongue?
  Buffy: [sees Giles stand up behind the counter] Hi, Giles.
  Willow: [turns around] Oh, hi. Been there long?
  Giles: Buffy, good timing. I could use your help. I trust you remember the demon Acathla?
  Buffy: Giles, contain yourself! Yes, I'm back in school, but you know how it embarrasses me when you gush so. Let's just skip all that and get straight to work.
  Giles: Oh, uh...well, I, uh...W-well, of course, it's wonderful to have you back. That goes without saying. But... [sees Buffy's look] You enjoy making me say it, don't you?
  • Willow peruses Giles' spell ingredients.
    Willlow: And marnox root. You know, a smidge of this mixed with a virgin's saliva... [sees Giles' face] ...does something I know nothing about.
    Giles: These forces are not something that one plays around with, Willow. What have you been conjuring?
    Willow: Nothing...much. Well, you know, I tried this spell to cure Angel, and I guess that was a bust. But since then, you know, small stuff—floating feather, fire out of ice, which, next time, I won't do on the bedspread. Are you mad at me?
    Giles: No, of course not. No. If I were, I would be making a strange clucking sound with my tongue.
• Back in the Bronze after her introduction, Faith holds court over the Scoobies. She shares some war stories, chock-full of nudity, a Bus Full of Innocents, crocodiles, and priests, but only the first of which has caught Xander's attention (to Cordelia's consternation).
  Faith: So, it's about 118 degrees, and I'm sleeping without a stitch on. And all of a sudden, I hear this screaming from outside, so I go tearing out, stark nude. And this church bus is broke down and there's these three vamps feasting on half the Baptists in South Boston, so I waste the vamps and the preacher comes up and he's hugging me like there's no tomorrow. When all of a sudden, the cops pull up and they arrested us both.
  Xander: Wow, they should film that story and show it every Christmas.
  • Later, when Faith is telling the story about wrestling alligators.
    Xander: So was this, um, ahem, also naked?
    Cordelia: Xander? Find a new theme.
• Faith on the aftereffects of slaying:
  Faith: God, I could eat a horse. Isn't it crazy how slayin' just always makes you hungry and horny?
  [everyone looks at Buffy]
  Buffy: Well...sometimes I-I crave a nonfat yogurt afterwards.
• Giles speaks in glowing terms of the Watchers' retreat in the Cotswolds.
  Giles: It's a great honor to be invited...or so I'm told.
  Faith: Oh, it's boring. Way too stuffy for a guy like you.
  Buffy: Um, maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles.
  Faith: I've seen him. If I'd known they came that young and cute, I would've requested a transfer.
  Buffy: Raise your hand if "Ew."
• Trick and another vampire, seeing Kakistos in battle with the Slayers:
  Trick: If we don't do something, the master could get killed. [Beat] Well, our prayers are with him.

"Beauty and the Beasts" (3x04)

• Oz apparently gets really growly in werewolf form if anyone says the word "rabbit".
• Buffy says that she and Scott haven't gotten horizontal.
  Faith: But you like him, and when you think about him, you get that good, down-low tickle, right?
  Buffy: Yeah, I guess, but— [realizing] How low?
  Faith: [big grin] You tell me.
• Hilarious reactions when Buffy accidentally tranquilizes Giles thanks to Debbie pushing the rifle.

"Homecoming" (3x05)

• Xander says he spared no expense on his tux.
  Willow: I thought you borrowed it from your cousin Rigby.
  Xander: Expense to my pride, Will. They're our only relations with money, and they shun us...as they should.
• During the titular event, Giles rushes up to Xander and Willow while they're moping on the dance floor, and gives us a good ten seconds of glorious awkwardness.
  Giles: We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened. [Willow and Xander look stunned] Just kidding! I thought I'd give you a little scare! [Beat] Are these finger sandwiches?
• Faith is pissed off at Scott on Buffy's behalf for dumping her and showing up with another girl on his arm.
  Faith: Scott? There you are, honey. Hey, good news. The doctor says that the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up, but we gotta keep using the ointment.
• Cordelia and Buffy are trapped in a cabin, and Buffy asks her to look for a weapon. Cordy finds a spatula.
  Buffy: That's it?
  Cordelia: Just this and a telephone.
  Buffy: ...A telephone. And you didn't think that'd be helpful?
  Cordelia: No, this is better, for... [makes smacking motion till it dawns on her] ...oh.
  • Bonus points for Cordy actually trying to use it on a demon who doesn't even notice.
  • And as she's doing this, one of the other hunters had dropped his rifle. Buffy exclaims "Cor, the gun!" Cordy grabs the gun, aims, fires...and nearly shoots Buffy.
    Buffy: Cordelia, the spatula.
• After the whole ordeal, Buffy and Cordelia lose the Homecoming Queen spot to Michelle and Holly. Their "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" faces are just priceless.

"Band Candy" (3x06)

• It would be easier to name the moments in this episode that were not laugh-out-loud funny.
• Giles finishes a rather ominous passage from a book.
  Giles: "And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end." That's all there is. Are you ready?
  Buffy: Hit me.
  Giles: "Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage?" [continues reading practice SAT question]
  • Buffy chooses B on the grounds that "We haven't had a B in forever," much to Giles' exasperation.
  • The next morning:
    Buffy: And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming, "NONE OF THE ABOVE!"
    Willow: Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams.
• When Joyce asks what she'd do with the forty chocolate bars, Buffy suggests, "You could hand them out at the gallery. 'Buy something pre-Columbian, get a free cavity."
• Buffy announces that she's got Slayer stuff and studying with Giles.
  Joyce: Again? Honey, don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?
  Buffy: And does he EVER say he's sorry?
• Buffy is training with Giles, but she wants to rush off to see Angel. Nonetheless, she allows herself to be blindfolded and handed a ball.
  Buffy: Okay, you're just doing this to take silly photos of me.
  • Giles then tells her to throw the ball at him. She turns away and lets the ball fly, causing him to smirk before the ball hits the wall and thwacks him.
    Giles: You see, it's not that... [BOP] ...ow.
• While Buffy is arguing with Joyce and Giles about them over-scheduling her, Giles says "Let's not... freak out," arousing Buffy's suspicions.
• Buffy's driving in general. Even when in no hurry, she takes turns as if she's in an action movie.
• Giles' look when Joyce asks him if he likes Seals and Croft and her hurried, "Yeah, me neither."
• Giles and Joyce listen to Cream in his apartment, and Giles happily bops his head to the tune and says, "It rocks!"
• Pretty much the whole scene of the Scoobies finding the Bronze infested with old people acting like teenagers.
• Snyder's line as Buffy and company take off in Joyce's SUV.
  Snyder: Woo, Summers, you drive like a SPAZZ!
  • This actually comes back up in the Season 8 comics, in a crossover with Fray:
    Melaka Fray: Summers, you drive like a SPAZZ!
    Buffy: Oh my God. THAT is the one phrase that has survived two hundred years? I should have been more gentle to the English language.
• Giles vs. the Policeman.
  Giles: Ooh, copper's got a gun. You'll never use it though, man.
• Buffy looks around at all the adults hanging around.
  Buffy: Something's weird.
  Oz: Something's not?!
• Buffy catching Giles and Joyce making out in front of the candy factory.
• In an attempt to distract her mom from eating more candy, Buffy points out that the car has been wrecked.
  Joyce: Oh, my god...What was I thinking when I bought the Geek Machine?!
• Buffy tries to drag Joyce away, but Giles tells her to "sod off." In response, Buffy snatches his cigarette out of his mouth, throws it onto the ground, and stomps on it.
• Ethan's response to Buffy, Giles, Joyce, and Snyder finding him in the factory: Run off like the Dirty Coward he is.
• Xander manages to zing himself.
  Xander: I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton, and I don't feel any diff— [Beat] Never mind.
• After they give chase for a while, only to turn a corner with no Ethan in sight and Giles panting for breath.
  Giles: Where... [pant] Bloody hell.
  Buffy: That's what smoking will do to you.
• Buffy finds Ethan hiding in a wooden crate.
  Buffy: Oh, look, a box full of farm-fresh chicken.
  Ethan: [Oh, Crap! smile]
• Snyder tries flirting with Joyce, who makes a fantastic "whatever" face and moves away from him.
• Giles urging Buffy to punch Ethan, only for her to tell him to be quiet. When she finally does punch Ethan, Giles does a fist-pump, complete with an enthused "Yes!"
  • And when Buffy threatens to really hurt Ethan, Giles has a completely excited grin on his face. And he bounces.
    Buffy: Which brings us to the bonus question, and believe me when I say a wrong answer WILL cost you all your points.
• Buffy asks Joyce and Giles to tie up Ethan. Joyce very awkwardly pulls a pair of cuffs out of her shorts.
  Buffy: [creeped out] Never tell me.
• At the end, when Buffy appears to be trying to come to grips with the events of the Band Candy rampage, when in fact she's talking about something else entirely:
  Buffy: [portentously] It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt...so alone.
  Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
  Buffy: Mostly the math.
  • Also at the end, when Buffy remarks she's glad she found Giles and Joyce before anything happened between them, Giles and Joyce, after Buffy heads off, turn and head off in opposite directions.

"Revelations" (3x07)

• Buffy trolling her friends, who have been speculating that she's dating someone.
  Buffy: I wouldn't use the word "dating", but I am going out with somebody. Tonight, as a matter of fact.
  Willow: Really? Who?
  Faith: Yo, what's up? Hey, time to motorvate.
  Buffy: [putting an arm around Faith] Really, we're just good friends.
• After Gwendolyn Post introduces herself, Giles is seen just staring at her while holding his cup of coffee.
• According to Mrs. Post, the Watchers Council think Giles has become too American for their taste.
  Giles: Me?
  Buffy: Him?
• After a few minutes suffering through Post's snideness:
  Giles: That was bracing.
  Buffy: Interesting lady. [hopefully] Can we kill her?
  • Hilarious in Hindsight given what happens in the climax.

"Lovers' Walk" (3x08)

• The opening scene:
  Willow: This is a nightmare. This is....My world is spinning.
  Xander: It's not that bad, Willow, really.
  Willow: 740 verbal? I'm pathetic! Illiterate! I'm Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel!
  Xander: That's right, and the fact that your 740 verbal closely resembles my combined scores in no way compromises your position as the village idiot.
• After seeing Willow's SAT scores:
  Oz: I can see why you'd be upset. [Beat, then in the exact same tone] That was my sarcastic voice.
  Xander: You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
  Oz: [in the exact same tone] I've been told that.
• Buffy scored very well on the SATs.
  Cordelia: [cheerfully] Now you can leave and never come back! [they look at her] Well, I mean that in a positive way. Get out of Sunnydale—that's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
  [Cut to the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign being smashed down by Spike's car on his way in... for the second time in the series]
• The scene starts with the same badass music from Spike's Feet-First Introduction back in season 2, only for the music to cut out abruptly when Spike tumbles out of the car to land face-first on the pavement. He spends most of the episode drunk off his ass and crying about his breakup to anyone, and we do mean anyone, who will listen.
• Spike passes out drunk in front of a crypt and wakes up when his hand catches fire from the sunlight. He rushes to a small fountain on the side of the crypt to put it out...and shouts in pain from having splashed holy water across his hand.
• Spike hangs out with Joyce. She gives him hot cocoa and commiserates with him over his recent dumping by Drusilla. He then asks her if she's got any of those little marshmallows.
  • Made funnier because it is preceded by the horrified look on Buffy's face when she hears Spike greeting Joyce over the phone.
  • It's followed by Spike taunting Angel about how he's not invited ("You're a bad, bad man."), complete with making scary gestures, including a Bela Lugosi pose, at Joyce's neck behind her back.
• Can we just say that mopey, drunk Spike in general is one of the most hilarious things on the show?
• Oz smells Willow as he and Cordelia are on their way to find Giles.
  Cordelia: Oh, my god, is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
  Oz: ...I really agree.
• Spike takes a little trip down Memory Lane.
  Spike: Oh, god....We killed a homeless man on this bench. Me and Dru. Those were good times. [chuckling] You know, he begged for mercy, and you know, that only made her bite harder. [turns to grin at Buffy and Angel, who are stone-faced]
  Buffy: I guess you had to be there.
• Angel trolling Spike in the magic shop:
  Angel: Lotta trouble for someone who doesn't care.
  Spike: Shut your gob!
  Angel: She really is just kind of fickle.
  Spike: SHUT UP! [runs over and punches Angel]
• Spike's realization about he's going about his reaction to Drusilla's rejection all wrong comes after a fight to get ingredients for a spell he's kidnapped Willow to have her perform, with Buffy and Angel there, trying to rescue her and Xander. They ruled out the factory, his old hangout in the previous season, as being too obvious. When he decides he's going to get Dru's love back the old-fashioned way (tie her up and torture her until she loves him again), he offhandedly says that Buffy's friends "are at the factory." Buffy gets the biggest "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" expression on her face and Angel looks up with the biggest "We are DUMB" expression in existence.
• Cordelia falls through a rotten staircase and ends up with a piece of rebar through her abdomen. Xander climbs down to her and there's a tear-inducing scene of him telling her to hold on as she grows weaker and eventually passes out. The scene then cuts to a funeral service... only for the camera to pan down and reveal Buffy and Willow walking past in the distance.
  Buffy: So Cordelia's really gonna be okay?
  Willow: She lost a lot of blood but none of her vitals were punctured.
• The ending, where everyone—their romantic relationships in tatters—has one of the show's typical angsty emo montages where everyone is really depressed and mopey... concluded with a sudden cut to Spike, reinvigorated and in good humor once again, driving away from Sunnydale, happily singing along with Sid Vicious's cover^note for legal reasons it's actually Gary Oldman's version from Sid & Nancy of "My Way."

"The Wish" (3x09)

• Buffy, Deadpan Snarker.
  Xander: Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake. But I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss...And they burst in, rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean, this is really all their fault.
  Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
  Xander: Mine is much more advanced.
• Buffy, Willow, and Xander resolve to get out of the doldrums and enjoy life. They sit for several long seconds as their enthusiasm dims, until Buffy says, "That didn't work. Who wants chocolate?"
• A bit of Black Comedy when Cordelia encounters Wishverse-Xander and Wishverse-Willow and is still being amazingly slow on the uptake.
  Cordelia: No. No. No way! I wish us into Bizarro Land, and you guys are still together?! I cannot win!
  Xander: Probably not. [vamps out] But I'll give you a head start.
• Wishverse-Master's line:
  Wishverse-Master: Some claim that death is our art. I say to them...well, I don't say anything to them because I killed them.
• Wishverse-Willow sees Wishverse-Angel rescuing the humans and says, "Uh-oh, puppy got out."

"Amends" (3x10)

• Joyce wants to invite Faith to spend Christmas Eve, and Buffy says they don't really talk anymore.
  Joyce: Do you really wanna let her spend Christmas Eve all by herself in that dingy little motel room?
  Buffy: You're still number one with a guilt trip, Mom.
  Joyce: I try.
• Giving out research assignments, Giles hands Buffy the diary of Lucious Temple, an acolyte of Acathla, the doomsday demon.
  Giles: You can skip the passages on his garden, unless you're keen on growing heartier beets.
• So exactly what does Willow do after she makes up with Oz? She pulls out every trick in the book to try and seduce him. It's... overwhelming for him to say the least.
  • In a funny foreground event, she has a two-liter bottle of Sprite chilling in a bucket with ice, like a bottle of champagne.
• "Nothing like a roaring fire to keep away the blistering heat."
• A bit of Accidental Innuendo when Joyce asks Buffy whether to put the angel or the star on top of the tree.
  Joyce: So, Angel's on top again?
• Buffy first encounters the First Evil, and it is ranting to her about how terrifying and horrible it is:
  Buffy: All right, I get it. You're evil! Do we have to chat about it all day?
  [A bit later, when the First is bragging about her not having any idea what she is dealing with]
  Buffy: Let me guess. Is it...evil?

"Gingerbread" (3x11)

• Giles' frustration with using Internet chat rooms.
  Giles: [working on the computer] "Session interrupted?!" Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad?! No, I said "fad." And I'll say it again.
• Giles has been knocked unconscious. Cordy wakes him by hitting him.
  Cordelia: I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
  Giles: ...Wake up in a--?! Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
  Cordelia: Now let's be clear. The brain damage happened before I hit you.
• And a little later:
  Giles: It's about, uh, lifting a veil. Um, it should, uh, make the demons appear in their true form which, with any luck, will, uh, negate their influence. And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture.
  Cordelia: [picks up the toadstone] This? It doesn't look like a toad.
  Giles: No reason it should. It's from inside the toad.
  Cordelia: I hate you.
• Buffy and Willow threatening to turn the Burn the Witch! mob into vermin. And fish.
• In which an old folktale will never be the same again:
  Buffy: Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger. Like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
  Angel: Dike.
  [Buffy looks startled]
  Angel: It's another word for "dam."
  Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
• After Amy turns herself into a rat to escape, Buffy says, "She couldn't have done US first?!" Hilarious in Hindsight as well, considering.
• For German speakers, Giles' spell to dispel the illusion of Hansel and Gretel is also very funny:
  Giles: Ich beschwöre die Macht der Hekate, die Masken wegzureißen. Das Böse soll das Gesicht des Bösen tragen!
  Giles: Hekate ruft euch an: Verbergt euch nicht hinter falschen Gesichtern! (Translation: "I call upon the power of Hekate to rip off the masks. Evil shall bear the visage of Evil! / Hekate implores you: Do not hide behind false faces!")
  • Anthony Head's pronunciation is, of course, also completely awful, which makes it all even funnier.
• The demons' true form has been revealed. Everyone runs away. The demon charges at Buffy, still bound to the stake.
  Buffy: [manages to break the stake and impales the charging demon with it] Did I get it? Did I get it?
  [Camera switches position for a hilarious visual. One can see Buffy indeed managed to kill the demon.]
  • And just a moment later, Xander and Oz, who have been trying to enter the room through the ventilation, fall with a cry of surprise through the ceiling and land on the ground. In a spot that, before Cordelia put it out a minute ago, was on fire.
    Oz: We are here to save you.
• The ending scene: Willow tries to turn Amy back into a human, but fails. Buffy then suggests she get Amy "one of those wheel thingies." Smash to Black.

"Helpless" (3x12)

• Angel is casually (trying to, at least) asking Buffy if she has a date on her birthday.
  Buffy: Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him "Daddy."
  Angel: [looking relieved] Huh. Your father.
  [Beat]
  Angel: ...It is your father, right?
• Buffy is throwing knives at a dartboard in the library, completely missing the bullseye. Giles suggests Buffy take a break from patrolling if she's off her game. Buffy says she just needs to train harder, and throws another knife. Cue glass-breaking sound.
  Buffy: I'm gone! [turns and leaves]
  Giles: [without looking at the damage] Thank you.
• Angel gives Buffy a book of poems, and she's having a hard time summoning up the proper appreciative mood.
  Buffy: It's sweet and thoughtful and...full of neat words to learn and say like "wilt" and henceforth".
  Angel: Then why did you seem more excited last year when you got a severed arm in a box?
• Angel talks about Buffy's heart.
  Angel: And more than anything in my life, I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own.
  Buffy: [hugs him] That's beautiful. [beat] Or taken literally, incredibly gross.
  Angel: [weirded-out expression] I was just thinkin' that too.
• Kralik baits Buffy with pretty much the first "selfie" ever of Kralik and her mom. Kralik's ecstatic grin doesn't help at all.
• "I have a problem with mothers. I'm aware of that."
• At the end of the episode, Buffy, still without her powers back, tries to open a jar of peanut butter, to no avail. Xander tries to help, telling her that even she needs a big strong man to help sometimes. He is unable to open it, and asks Willow for help.

"The Zeppo" (3x13)

• Right off the bat, the "Previously On" segment for the episode is just Giles being fired near the end of "Helpless". That's it. Just "Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...", "You're fired", jump into episode proper.
• Buffy asks Willow if she's okay.
  Willow: Yeah, I'm fine. Th-the shaking is a side effect of the fear.
• It's suggested that Xander should stay back from the actual fighting.
  Xander: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
  Faith: Yeah, that was real manly, how you shrieked and all.
  Xander: I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
• Cordy has a real talent for twisting the knife verbally.
  Cordelia: Boy, of all the humiliations you've had that I've witnessed...that was the latest.
• Xander's conversation with Oz about how to be cool.
  Xander: What is the essence of cool?
  Oz: ...Not sure.
  Xander: I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
  Oz: ...Am I?
  Xander: Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
  Oz: ...Could be.
  Xander: No. You're in a band. That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complimentary mojo after takeoff. I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
  Oz: Not the way I play it.
  Xander: But on the other hand—eighth grade. I'm taking the flugelhorn and getting zero trim, so the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. But you need a thing—one thing nobody else has. What do I have?
  Oz: An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special.
• Xander being so desperate to get away from the car-obsessed girl that he acts like he and Angel are best friends to manufacture an excuse.
• After Xander didn't know Giles' preference for jelly donuts: "I always have a jelly. I'm the one who always says, 'Let's have a jelly in the mix.'"
  • Xander apparently did know, as Willow pipes up, "We're sorry! ...Buffy had three!"
• After Jack raises Bob from the dead and informs him it's been eight months. The first thing he wants to know is if Jack has been taping Walker, Texas Ranger. Every episode, Jack assures him.
• This episode essentially parodies the show's established cliches, particularly Buffy and Angel's emo-tastic arguments.
• Xander's reaction to finding kerosene in his car:
  Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake!!
• Xander grabs one of Jack's undead buddies while driving and issues an elaborate demand for the bomb's location. Before the zombie can answer, his head gets taken off by a passing mailbox a la Howard Payne in Speed, and Xander freaks out.
• Jack promising revenge on Xander as he opens a door...behind which is Werewolf!Oz.
• Xander offers to get snacks. Oz answers, "No. Oddly full today."

"Bad Girls" (3x14)

• Wilkins, Mr. Trick, and Allan discuss their favorite newspaper comics.
  Wilkins: Do you like Family Circus, Mr. Trick?
  Mr. Trick: I read Marmaduke.
  Wilkins: Agh! Uuugh! That dog's always on the furniture! It's so unsanitary.
  Mr. Trick: No one tells Marmaduke what to do. That is my kind of dog.
  Allan: I like to read Cathy!
  [Wilkins and Mr. Trick just stare]
• Wesley brags about having faced two vampires. Under controlled conditions, no less. The previous episode had the world being saved. By Faith, no less. The Dark Slayer. And he thinks his actions are an accomplishment. Giles is right; Wesley is a berk.
• Pre-badass Wesley's introduction:
  Faith: New Watcher?
  Buffy and Giles: New Watcher.
  Faith: Screw that. [walks out]
  • Immediately followed by Buffy asking, "Now why didn't I just say that?" right in front of Wesley, and Giles trying not to look too amused when he sends her to get Faith back.
  • Wesley and Giles simultaneously polishing their glasses while not looking at each other.
  • Buffy catches up with Faith and says, "Look, I know this new guy's a dork, but...well, I have nothing to follow that. He's pretty much just a dork."
• A little later:
  Wesley: You're not helping!
  Giles: I know... I feel just sick about it.
• After Balthazar's mook fails to kill Wilkins.
  Balthazar: Vincent made a noble effort. Man to man, as befits a true warrior. He had courage...he had honor...AND I HAVE JACK TO SHOW FOR IT!
• Once Giles and Wesley have been taken prisoner by Balthazar, a grotesquely obese demon in a large bathtub who is looking for a powerful amulet, the expected interrogation begins thusly:
  Wesley: [on the verge of panic] Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm.
  Giles: [deadpan] Well, thank God you're here, I was planning to panic.
  Wesley: What IS that thing?
  Giles: That would be your demon. You know, the dead one.
  Balthazar: You know what I want.
  Giles: [completely deadpan] If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach places, I'd like to request you kill me now. [gets shoved by one of Balthazar's Mooks] Ow.
  Wesley: We can deal with this rationally! We have something you want, you have something we want.
  Bathalzar: Hmm...a trade, intriguing. No wait, boring, PULL OFF HIS KNEECAPS!
  • Giles's mood and delivery does not change during the entire exchange:
    Giles: Look, tell you what, let Captain Courageous here go, I'll tell you everything you need to know, how's that for a deal?
• Wilkins's line after first becoming invincible:
  Wilkins: Gosh, I'm feeling chipper. Who's for a root beer?
  • Trick actually chuckles genuinely at this.
  • The list he checks off after that:
    PTA meeting
    Haircut
    Become Invincible

"Consequences" (3x15)

• Noting Wesley making an ass of himself over Cordelia, Faith tells him, "Uh, first word, jail, second word, bait."
• Wilkins thinks maybe Finch was planning to betray him.
  Wilkins: Oh, now, that's a horrible thought. And now he's dead, I'll never have the chance to scold him.
• Willow suggests they all talk to Faith together.
  Buffy: You mean, like that intervention thing that you guys did on me? As I recall, Xander and I nearly came to blows.
  Xander: Uh, you nearly came to blows, Buffy. I nearly came to loss of limbs.
• Xander is tap-dancing around what he and Faith did after he rescued her from a demon, so Buffy and Giles don't get why he thinks Faith would listen to him. Willow is a few steps ahead.
  Buffy: And you guys talked?
  Xander: Not extensively, no.
  Buffy: Then why would you— [the penny drops] Oh.
  Giles: ...Oh!
  [Buffy and Giles look at Willow]
  Willow: I don't need to say, "Oh." I got it before. They slept together.

"Doppelgangland" (3x16)

• We may as well reiterate the same disclaimer from "Band Candy".
• "For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe, and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High! Mortal. Child. And I'm flunking math."
• To explain his poor academic performance, Percy claims to be "challenged".
  Snyder: You're lazy, self-involved, and spoiled. That's quite the challenge.
• The scene where Wilkins gives Faith her own apartment. Just before it ends, you can clearly see Eliza Dushku trip.
  Wilkins: No Slayer of mine is going to live in a fleabag motel. There are immoral liaisons going on there.
  Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing. This place is the kick!
• Willow isn't flattered, to say the least, by Buffy dubbing her "Old Reliable".
  Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
  Willow: That's Old Faithful.
  Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot—
  Willow: That's Old Yeller.
  Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
• Earlier, when everyone thinks that Willow has become a vampire:
  Giles: She was truly the finest all of us.
  Xander: [choked up] Way better than me.
  Giles: [matter-of-factly] Much, much better.
• Willow comes in and sees their faces, prompting her to ask, "Jeez, who died?"
  • Xander shoves a cross in her face, thinking she's a vampire. When it doesn't do anything, he shakes it like a faulty Etch-a-Sketch and tries again.
  • Willow's reaction to the Group Hug upon Buffy, Xander, and Giles seeing her alive and well leads to this tremendous line:
    Willow: It's really great that you guys missed me. Say, you didn't all happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
  • In response to Buffy asking Giles what's going on (it's all in Nicholas Brendon's delivery):
    Giles: Well, uh, something, something, um, very strange is happening.
    Xander: [Beat] Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
• Anya tries to order a beer.
  Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
  Barkeep: [deadpan] ID.
  Anya: [stares at him in disbelief]
  Barkeep: ID.
  Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
  Barkeep: ID.
  Anya: [sigh] Gimme a Coke.
• Devon reckons Dingoes needs a roadie.
  Devon: Other bands have roadies.
  Oz: Other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
  Devon: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.
• Wishverse-Willow tells Sandy, "You don't have to be afraid...just to please me."
• "In my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies."
• This:
  Buffy: It was exactly you, Will. Every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
  Willow: [rolling her eyes] Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
  [Giles frowns]
  Xander: [eyes glazed] Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
  Buffy: [eyes glazed] Oh, yeah.
  • Angel's big entrance.
    Angel: [visibly distraught] Buffy... something's happened that... Willow's dead!
    [Everybody just nods at him matter-of-factly]
    Angel: [sees Willow standing over in the corner] Oh, hey, Willow. [Double Take] Wait a second!
    [Giles makes a gesture]
    Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
• Wishverse-Willow's reaction to her normal reality twin's fluffy clothes:
  Wishverse-Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
• Willow regarding her Wishverse twin: "I'm so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay."
  • Followed immediately by:
    Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
    Angel: Well, actually... [Buffy shoots a look at him; Beat] That's a good point.
  • According to Word of God, they weren't planning on making anyone gay at that point. That's right; it's a joke that's so funny it turned someone gay.
• Willow is disguised as Wishverse-Willow:
  Buffy: [regarding the corset] You okay in that thing?
  Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe. [looks down at her cleavage] Gosh, look at those.
• Wishverse-Willow wakes up in Willow's clothes.
  Wishverse-Willow: Oh, this is like a nightmare.
• Cordelia finds Wishverse-Willow in the library cage and, because she's out of the loop, thinks it's Willow. Instead of letting her out, however, she discusses the ethics of boyfriend stealing, with Wishverse-Willow hanging on the bars with an expression that just screams "Bored now."
  Cordelia: What is it? Is there something on my neck?
  Wishverse-Willow: Not yet.
• After Wesley drives Wishverse-Willow off with a cross and some holy water, Cordelia touches him on the shoulder, and he gives the most hilarious squeal.
• Just generally the scene where Willow has to pretend to be Wishverse-Willow. She tries to run her fingers creepily through someone's hair, as her counterpart did, and they get stuck.
• "I'm a bloodsucking fiend! Look at my outfit!"
• When Anya and Alphonse twig to Willow being human, she signals for help.
  Willow: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this? [screams at the top of her lungs]
  Anya and Alphonse: [beat] Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Humans do that, yeah. I think, yeah.
• Wishverse-Willow's send-off. First, Willow's heartwarming hug to her vampire counterpart leads to some "friendly" groping ("Hands, hands!"), and Wishverse-Willow's smile.
• Wishverse-Willow gets to enjoy being back in her own reality... for all of three seconds before getting staked.
  Wishverse-Willow: Oh, f-- [turns to dust]
• The whole adventure leaves Willow less than eager to be bad.
  Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
  Willow: Strangely, I feel like staying at home...and doing my homework...and flossing...and dying a virgin.
  Buffy: You know, you can OD on virtue.
  Willow: Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons.
  • Then, after her encounter with the new, improved Percy:
    Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
    Willow: Nine sound good?
• Smug, lazy Jerk Jock Percy expects Willow to not so much tutor him as do all his work for him. That night, he has an unfortunate run-in with Wishverse-Willow. The next morning? He's a very different guy.
  Percy: Hey. Oh, hi.
  Willow: Oh, hi. Listen, I didn't get a chance—
  Percy: Okay, so I did the outline for the paper for Roosevelt. [hands her a Duo-Tang] It turns out there were two President Roosevelts. I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. [hands her another Duo-Tang] I know they're kind of... kind of short, but I can flesh them out a bit. Oh, and here's the bibliography. [hands her ANOTHER Duo-Tang] Oh, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on it. [turns to leave, comes back, leaves Willow an apple, and quickly scurries away]

"Enemies" (3x17)

• Buffy and Angel go to see a movie entitled Le Banquet D'Amelia, thinking it would be about food. Angel points out that technically, there was food.
  Buffy: Right. Th-The-The scene with the...food. So, feel like getting some hot chocolate...or some cold shower?
  • Buffy laments that they can't do the things in the movie. "You'd lose your soul, and besides, I don't even own a kimono."
• Xander's line here:
  Cordelia: What are you doing Friday night?
  Wesley: Uh, uh...As always, my sacred duty as a Watcher prevents me from...Why?
  Cordelia: I have a paper to write for English, and... you're English, so I thought... [at everyone's looks] What? Is it so wrong to be getting an insider's perspective? [to Wesley] I study best in a good restaurant, around eightish? Think it over? [leaves]
  Xander: And on the day the words "flimsy excuse" were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.
• This golden line from Wilkins:
  Wilkins: There is more than one way to skin a cat, and I happen to know that this is factually true.
• Giles dryly reports finding a "Six-course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod-all as a palate cleanser."
• Willow is trying to convince Buffy there's nothing going on between Angel and Faith, but both realize that Faith is drop-dead gorgeous and Really Gets Around.
  Willow: I mean, please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see, is he breathing?
  Buffy: Actually, no.
• After Angel and Faith leave for their "date" to torture Buffy, Wilkins says to himself, "She's not a little girl anymore," sniffling.
• Giles thanks the powerful sorcerer who faked removing Angel's soul for his help, with the sorcerer remarking that his debt to Giles has now been repaid. After he leaves, Willow asks what the debt was he owed Giles.
  Giles: I introduced him to his wife.
• Just how Affably Evil is Wilkins? Well, Faith is moping that she didn't kill Buffy, so he tries to cheer her up.
  Wilkins: I have two words that will make all the pain go away: "Miniature. Golf."
  [Faith stares at him for a moment, all "Are you serious?" then cracks up]

"Earshot" (3x18)

• When Buffy fears just what aspect of the demon she might get, she notices Willow's eyes bug out at one possibility.
  Willow: Was it a boy demon?
• Earlier in the episode, Xander and Oz are watching the pep rally and sharing snarks.
  Xander: They really are very good.
  Oz: Well, their spelling's improved.
• According to Buffy, Snyder has "Walk Like an Egyptian" stuck in his head.
• When Buffy reveals she can hear other people's thoughts, hilarity ensues:
  Oz: [thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Hmm.
  [...]
  No one else exists either. Buffy is all of us. We think, therefore she is.
  • Cordelia's thought-to-speech:
    Cordelia: [thinking] I don't see what this has to do with me. [out loud] I don't see what this has to do with me.
    • A minute later:
      Cordelia: [thinking] Whatever. I wonder when I can go. [out loud] Whatever. Can I go now?
  • Xander:
    Xander: What am I going to do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two... Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me!
    • Later, Buffy knows where Xander's thoughts are going and shoots him a filthy look, then rolls her eyes when they predictably go to girls, then reacts with anger when he thinks of her naked.
      Buffy: God, Xander, is that all you think about?
      Xander: Actually... [bolts] ...bye.
    • And after Xander is busted:
      Wesley: Xander has just illustrated something. Chances are, you're all going to find yourself thinking whatever you least want Buffy to hear. It's a matter, of course, of mental discipline...
    • Only to immediately think...
      Wesley: Look at Cordelia. No! Don't look at Cordelia! She's a student! Oh, I am bad. A bad, bad man.
    • He then spots Buffy smirking at him. Look at her finger here. Given her thoughts of him, she's very much saying she, ah...doesn't think much of him.
• After Buffy collapses in the cafeteria and wakes up outside, with the Scoobies hovering over her.
  Cordelia: I told them not to move you. They probably severed your spinal cord.
• An example of why you should never read the mind of your own mother:
  Buffy: You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles? On the hood of a police car? TWICE?!
• Cordelia's idea of finding out whether Mr. Beach is planning on killing everyone is to just ask him.
• The Scoobies finally corner Freddy, only to find he's dodging them not because he's the would-be killer, but because he thinks Oz is mad about a review he wrote, which they actually hadn't seen.
  Oz: "Dingoes Ate My Baby played their instruments as if they had plump Polish sausages taped to their fingers."
  Freddy: Sorry, man.
  Oz: [Beat] No, it's fair.
• When Buffy confronts the lunch lady who's trying to commit mass murder.
  Lunch Lady: Vermin! You're all vermin. You come in here and you eat, and you eat. Filth!
  Buffy: [Beat] I don't see this being settled with logic.
  • At the end of the episode:
    Giles: I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
    Buffy: Sure! We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother.
    [Giles walks headfirst into a tree]
  • Anthony Head ad-libbed the "walking into a tree" part.
  • It's revealed in "Who Are You" (4x16) that Joyce's exact words were "He's like a stevedore in bed". Buffy doesn't know what a stevedore is. ^note A dockworker, basically.

"Choices" (3x19)

• Wilkins gives Faith a dagger.
  Wilkins: You be careful not to put somebody's eye out with that thing. Till I tell you to.
• After some slaying:
  Buffy: Do you get the feeling that we're kind of in a rut?
  Angel: A rut?
  Buffy: You never take me anyplace new.
  Angel: ...What about that fire demon nest in the cave by the beach? ...Thought that was a nice change of pace.
  Buffy: So this is our future? I mean, this is how we're gonna spend our nights when I'm fifty and you're...the same age you are now?
• Willow got into Oxford.
  Buffy: [big grin] That's where they make Gileses!
• Buffy recruits Willow for a dangerous mission.
  Willow: Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
  Xander: But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
• Wesley wants to synchronize watches. Buffy and Willow hold up their bare wrists.

"The Prom" (3x20)

• Anya declares that she has nothing but contempt for men.
  Xander: Then why are you talking to me?
  Anya: ...I don't have a date for the prom.
  Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not. It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch.
  Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
  Xander: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.
  Anya: You know, this happens to be all your fault...You were unfaithful to Cordelia, so I took on the guise of a twelfth grader to tempt her with the wish. When I lost my powers, I got stuck in this persona, and now I have all these "feelings." I don't understand it. I don't like it. All I know is I really wanna go to this dance, and I want someone to go with me.
  Xander: Be still, my heart. Oh, wait, it is. How come I got the short straw?
  Anya: Y-you're not quite as obnoxious as most of the alpha males around here. Plus, I know you don't have a date.
  Xander: I haven't settled on anyone yet.
  Anya: Fine. Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
  Xander: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.
• One of the first things Joyce sees when she visits Angel's house is the shackles attached to the wall. She says nothing, but it's obvious what she's thinking.
• Buffy and Angel are getting into an argument while searching for a vampire, and when it finally jumps out at them, Buffy just says, "Not now," and dusts it with barely a pause.
• When Cordelia says she's working to buy a dress, Xander says, "But don't you already have all the dresses?"
• Buffy has a little freakout when her friends are scared to go to the prom because some loser threatens it with hellhounds.
  Oz: And once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in "special occasion."
  Xander: [angrily slams down a pile of books] Why do I even buy tickets to these things, I ask you?!?!
  Willow: [worried] I wonder if I can take my dress back.
  Buffy: [leaps up] Don't you dare!
  Willow: But Tucker's gonna—
  Buffy: No. [inspirational music starts to swell] You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm gonna give you a nice, fun, normal evening... [triumphantly] if I have to kill every single person on the face of the Earth to do it.
  Xander: ......Yay?
  • Later, after finding Tucker, we get this exchange:
    Willow: We can't just leave you, Buff—
    Giles: Buffy, they're right. You need—
    Buffy: To see taillights. Hit the door. I've got everything under control.
    Oz: Buffy, it makes sense to—
    Buffy: [deadly] Have. A nice. Time.
    Willow: Okay, then.
    Xander: See ya.
• Buffy tries to get the hellhounds to chase her, only for them to stop and resume course for the prom when they hear a new song come on.
  Buffy: On, come on. That song sucks.
• At the prom, Jonathan mentions that a lot of strange things have happened at Sunnydale High. Calls from the audience:
  Unidentified Student #1: Zombies!
  Unidentified Student #2: Hyena people!
  Unidentified Student #3: Snyder!
• An annoyed Giles tells a hesitant Wesley to go ahead and dance with Cordelia.
  Giles: For God's sake, man, she's eighteen! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone! Just have at it, would you? And stop fluttering about.

"Graduation Day" (3x21 and 22)

• Willow gets swept up in the preemptive nostalgia of yearbook writing, as noted by Buffy when she comes upon Willow fresh off of writing in Harmony's yearbook.
  Willow: Aw, I'm gonna miss her!
  Buffy: Don't you hate her?
  Willow: (not dropping her smile or upbeat tone) Yes, with a fiery vengeance! She picked on me for ten years, the vacuous tramp!
• Xander comes in class late, and the following speech from the teacher ensues:
  Teacher: Thank you for joining us, Mr. Harris. I realize you've all finished your finals and you're ready to move on, but you haven't graduated yet. This is still a class and everyone will participate. Mr. Harris, would you care to begin?
  Xander: Uh... An 'E.'
  [angle of the shot changes to show the blackboard for the first time]
  Teacher: There is no 'E.' [draws a head on a game of Hangman], chuckling] They always go for the 'E'...
• Anya's trying to have another date with Xander, and suggests watching sports of some kind, but he's not too enthusiastic.
  Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
  Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie. They eat of the beef and enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
• A nice scene with Wilkins is an utterly brilliant mix of '60s sitcom humor and standard Buffy villain shock value. There truly will never be a villain like him in television again.
  Wilkins: [reading from an ancient tome, in front of the Scoobies] "The Beast shall walk upon the earth, and darkness shall follow. The several races of man will be as one in their terror and destruction." Aww, that's kind of sweet! All those different races, coming together.
• Joyce comes home to find Buffy packing.
  Joyce: You're running away again? ...And you're taking my clothes.
• While Buffy's going through Professor Worth's things, Angel's usual Stealth Hi/Bye is foiled when he noisily slips on the way in.
  Buffy: Stealthy.
  Angel: Not my best entrance. I think they were mopping in the halls.
• Anya tries to convince Xander to flee with her, insulting him in the process, and he refuses.
  Anya: Fine. I hope you die. [he walks away] Aren't we gonna kiss?
• Willow and Oz are looking after Angel after he's been poisoned. At one point, Angel grabs Willow's hand and thinking that she's Buffy, starts confessing his love for her. After Willow corrects him, she goes into the other room to talk to Oz.
  Oz: Any change?
  Willow: He's delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
  Oz: You too, huh?
• Xander and Giles find a book with a picture of what Wilkins will Ascend into: "We're gonna need a bigger boat."
  • Also, the fact that the image is essentially a centerfold.
• The Scoobies trying to come up with a way to defeat Wilkins.
  Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
  Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
  Cordelia: I stand corrected.
  Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
  Cordelia: Thank you.
  • And then, later on:
    Angel: Well, he's not crazy about germs.
    Cordelia: Of course! That's it! We'll attack him with germs.
    Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him.
    Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus and...and...or, it doesn't even have to be real. We can get a box that says "Ebola" on it and...um...chase him! [silence] With the box.
    Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the Hummus Offensive.
    Oz: They'll never see it coming.
• Wilkins giving his vamps their marching orders.
  Wilkins: No snacking. I see blood on your lips, it's a visit to the woodshed for you boys.
  • At the end:
    Wilkins: And boys...let's watch the swearing.
• Wesley and Cordelia's attempt at a Big Damn Kiss immediately goes into hilariously awkward territory, and they quickly end it by deciding they're Better as Friends.
• Snyder's opening remarks. "Congratulations to the Class of 1999. You all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet. Spit out that gum. Please welcome our distinguished guest speaker, Richard Wilkins the third. I saw that gesture. You see me after graduation."
• Buffy and Willow's reaction when they realize that Wilkins is going to continue with his commencement address right up until he transforms.
  Buffy: Oh my God, he's really gonna do the entire speech.
  Willow: Man, just ascend already.
  Buffy: Evil.
• During the Big Badass Battle Sequence, Wesley goes down with one hit, and he's left on the ground asking for help.
  • Later, as he's being wheeled away on a gurney:
    Wesley: Could I have something for the pain? It's actually quite a bit of pain. Just knock me unconscious!
  • Shortly afterwards Giles excuses himself by telling Buffy he's going to go and see if Wesley is "still whimpering".
• Wilkins' last words. Since he's still in monster snake demon form, it comes out as a deep, distorted voice.
  Wilkins/Olvikan: Well, gosh!
• After the credits, the Grarg is wearing a graduation cap.