Funny / Blood Rites

  • Opening line for the book: "The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault."
  • The entropy curse. In the middle of a melee, Harry channels the curse— a very nasty spell that alters probability to cause fatal accidents— away from its intended target and toward a vampire that's currently attacking his side. A moment later, the vamp is crushed. By a twenty-pound frozen turkey falling from the sky. The drumstick tips wrapped in red tinfoil. And then the timer dings.
    Everyone stopped to blink at that for a second. I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, that ain't something you see twice.
    "For my next trick," I panted into the startled silence, "anvils."
  • Although it happened off screen, one of the first thing the curse does is cause someone to get hit by a car. While she was water skiing. Another one opened the trunk of a car to get some golf clubs, and twenty thousand bees flew out to sting her.
  • Harry explaining to Thomas that his life isn't all "feuding demigods and nations at war"
    Thomas: It's also about mold demons and flaming monkey poo?
    Harry: What can I say? I put the 'ick' in 'magic.'
  • "Ah, yes, the Bolshevik Muppet solution." Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome and Brick Joke when Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine.
  • Harry looking over Kincaid's vampire-slaying arsenal.
    "My dick is bigger than your dick," I said.
  • Harry, upon entering The Deeps.
    I'd been in a few caves that were the headquarters for dark magic and those who trafficked in it. None of them had been warm. None of them had been pleasant. And none of them had been professionally decorated.
    Until now.
  • During the end battle, Harry is handcuffed to the wall. Murphy is searching for the keys and snarking at him.
    Harry: Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you.
  • When Bob is talking about Arturo's "critically-acclaimed" erotic movies.
    "Four stars, four boners. What's the difference?"
    I wasn't even going to touch that one.
  • Harry's completely irrelevant question right before they go up against the Black Court.
    Kincaid: Any questions?
    Harry: Why are hot dogs sold in packages of ten but hot dog buns are sold in packages of eight?
    (Kincaid, Murphy, and Ebenezar glare at him)
  • The first meeting of Harry and Lara. After accepting a job for Thomas, he ended so pissed over the con that he decided to have a "talk" with him. Lara decided to intervene, using a pair of miniature guns and her glamour but it failed against Harry and after a second try:
    Lara: Empty night. You are Harry Dresden.
    Harry: Don't feel bad. I cleverly concealed my identity as Harry the Production Assistant.
  • Harry's response to a rude "actor" at the studio:
    Bobby: Who the hell are you?
    Harry: I the hell am Harry.
    • This gem a few minutes after that introduction:
    Harry: He thought I was a stunt penis?
    • Also from the same conversation:
    Bobby: Are you always a smart-ass?
    Harry: No. Sometimes I'm asleep.
    • Later, after Bobby apologizes and Harry finds out what he's really like:
    Now that he wasn't threatening violence, I could see that this kid was a jewel. He could potentially provide some lucky wiseass with straight lines for the rest of his natural life, and you can't put a price on that.
  • When Harry, Murphy, and Kincaid are sitting down at breakfast to discuss the hit on Mavra's safehouse, Murphy reaches for her chair, and Kincaid stands up politely, like a proper gentleman. After she glares at him for the unwanted chivalry, he sits down, and she reaches for the chair again. Then Harry gets up. She glares at him, and says that "It's not chivalry if you're doing it to be a wiseass." A small scene, but hilarious.
  • Murphy mocks Harry's chivalry earlier in the book as well. While talking to her over the phone about Arturo Genosa, Harry is reluctant to say any words related to a certain female body part, rationalizing "A gentleman just doesn't say some words in front of a lady." Murphy is only too happy to disabuse him of this notion.
    Harry: He doesn't believe in using surgically altered... uh... You know.
    Murphy: (brightly) Boobs? Jugs? Hooters? Ya-yas?
    Harry: I guess.
    Murphy: Melons? Torpedoes? Tits? Gazongas? Knockers? Ta-tas?
    Harry: Hell's bells, Murph!
    Murphy: (laughs) You're cute when you're embarrassed.
  • Murphy's reaction to Harry calling Ebenezar 'Sir.'
    • To elaborate, this is the same Harry Dresden who snarks off to everything he sees as a matter of course, who once justified being a wise-ass to a Physical God by the fact that he'd snarked at every other supernatural power he's encountered. You can almost hear Murphy thinking, "Who the hell is this guy that can make Harry behave?" and from then and on she treats Ebenezar as if he's on the same level as the Pope.
  • Blampires.
  • Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing James Marsters do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how funny Trixie's lines are to begin with.
  • A Brick Joke about Murphy and her motorcycle made this troper unexpectedly burst out laughing in the middle of english class.
    Harry: It's not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. They're basically huge vibrators. With wheels.
    • Later, After Harry and Murphy survive jousting with a truck on her bike, Murphy is laughing hysterically.
    Harry: What? Why are you laughing?
    Murphy: I think you were right about the vibrator thing.
  • Harry makes another Looney Tunes reference as they're suiting up to fight the Black Court Vampires.
    "Spear and magic helmet," I said in my best Elmer Fudd voice. "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting vampires."
  • Poor Murphy on this one, but the fact that she had to fight the Black Court vampires in her underwear is double parts Awesome and hilarious.
    Harry: The image of you gunfighting in your panties is going to boost my morale for years.
  • Harry discovers that despite being found in extremely suspicious circumstances he doesn't need to worry about the police...because the person trying to frame him is so stupid and self-absorbed that she can't remember Harry's name, and tells the police that he was using the alias "Barry" or "Larry".
  • "We were dealing with a succubus. Or more than one, which for grammatical reasons I hoped was not the case."
  • Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries, cuing one of the funniest closing lines in book history.