Funny / Bad Movie Beatdown 2010 Episodes

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Mission Impossible II

• The beginning of the review shows Film Brain in Russia after being exiled for his unpopular reviews. He then gets a call from Doug Walker in a Bad Boss persona greeting him as, "Heeeey, Equilibrium douchebag!"
• Throughout the review, Film Brain points out numerous overly dramatic shots that seem to exist only to make Tom Cruise look as cool as possible. At one point, he describes it as Cruise "practically wiggling his cock into the camera."
  • After Ethan throws a pair of exploding sunglasses directly into the camera:
  Film Brain: Aaaagh, your ego! It's blinding!
  • Mocking John Woo's love of Disturbed Doves:
  Film Brain: Apparently, Ethan is trailed by doves. That must be a pain in the arse on missions.
• During a scene where Luther steps into cow dung, we get this gem:
  Luther: Shit!
  Ethan: Yes, it is.
  Film Brain: That's the movie in five seconds.
• After the villain snarks that Ethan would rather “engage in some aerobatic insanity before he'll risk harming a hair on a security guard's head”:
  Film Brain: Oy! Stop doing my job for me, you bastard!
• "Ambrose shoots Ethan, although the score implies that he's shooting Jesus. Lord and Savior of Scientology, Jesus Cruise!"

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

• Film Brain mercilessly mocks the opening scene of the film, in which Logan loses his entire family and murders his biological father, for failing to establish any sense of drama.
  • "NOOOOO! Not the character we saw on screen for only twenty seconds! WHYYYYY?"
  • After young Logan lets out a very monotonous Skyward Scream:
  Film Brain: Wow, this kid really can't act.
• When Logan does another Skyward Scream after he finds Kayla's seemingly lifeless body, Film Brain immediately compares it to Darth Vader's infamous Big "NO!" from Revenge of the Sith.
• Pointing out a particularly blatant example of Fanservice:
  Film Brain: There, Hugh Jackman diving down a waterfall naked! Are you happy now, women?
• Film Brain summing up the absurdity of sending Agent Zero to kill Wolverine:
  Film Brain: Hmmm, the guy with Gun Kata, or the guy who's impervious to bullets? I wonder who's gonna win.
• When Wolverine walks away from an exploding helicopter, Film Brain edits in a guitar riff to make it resemble a cheesy '90s action movie.
  Film Brain: It's like a Steven Seagal movie with mutants. That's bad.
• Pretty much any of his fanboying before backtracking over how awesome Ryan Reynolds is.
• When he realises that the entrance of Deadpool is a ripoff of Darth Maul's entrance in The Phantom Menace:
  Film Brain: Why anyone would want to plagiarise the Phantom Menace is beyond me, but quick! Get George Lucas' lawyers! He can make even more money!
• His reaction to Wolverine blocking an eyebeam-blast from Dudepeel with his claws.
  Film Brain: Allow me to demonstrate what is wrong with this using a fork. (pulls one out and points at the tines) You see what the problem might be?

Evan Almighty

• This gem:
  Film Brain: Quick! Steve Carell is going to do another Jim Carrey sequel, The Number 614! Four sixes, minus one six *gasp* that's 666! Sign of the devil!

Live Wire

• When there's a random sex scene, he first wonders if he accidentally changed the TV to a porno channel. Then he gets out binoculars.

Ratatoing

• It starts with Professor Celluloid after a successful Hostile Show Takeover. He then tries to review Die Hard. About a minute in, Celluloid gets punched from offscreen, and then it smash cuts to Film Brain starting his intro as normal while nursing his sore hand.
• Matthew gets bored during the endless repetition of the "gearing up to move out" footage:
  "And this carries on, and on, and on, and on, and on, apply directly to the forehead, and on, and on..."
• His Heroic BSoD after a long bit culminating in "The button is a switch!"
• After a particularly horrendous bit of animation:
  Film Brain: "That. Was. Crap."
• "INNUENDO!" *The caption reading: OMGWTFSEXLOL!!11!!*
• "WHAT. THE. F*CK. Did he just pull two lumps of cheese from his crotch!?"
• After another God-awful sequence of animation:
  (with a big grin on his face) "Hahehehehe, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry!"
• When Marcel doesn't get the chocolate back for his restaurant
  "They go a few days without ingredients, and their reputation is destroyed. Pfft."
• His reaction to a lady-mouse's... weird laugh.
  • When he edits her laugh so she sounds demonic.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

• "When she gets home, she visits her mum! Who is covered in pasty makeup. Oh wait, she's dying. ... Well that kind of sucks."
• "OH NO! HE'S MILDLY GRIPPED ME BY THE ARM!"
• When Chun Li receives a scroll:
  Chun-Li: I wonder what it says.
  Film Brain: Gee it looks like some sort of Chinese. It's not like I've lived in China my whole life and would be able to decode at least some of this for myself.
• This exchange:
  Chun-Li: I've never been so close.
  Film Brain: And yet so far?
  Chun-Li: And so far away
  Film Brain: F*ck me, this is trite.
• Another exchange:
  Gen: Only in the dark do all colors become one. (pushes Chun-Li into a spinning saw)
  Film Brain: Holy shit, his methods are a bit extreme, aren't they! She nearly became one with a circular saw.
• When Bison's Evil Plan is revealed to be property development:
  M. Bison: Of-
  Film Brain: (interrupting the clip) No, it doesn't deserve that.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

• Once the two giant monsters finally encounter each other, the characters can't tell what they're doing.
  Film Brain: From the look of it, they're either f***ing each other up or just f***ing each other.
• From the same review, Film Brain's growing anger every time the movie inexplicably went to an establishing shot without changing location.
• "...So Mr. Sulu needs to go back to the 22nd century- I mean, Tokyo. Which if you think about it is the same thing."
• After a character says "Madness", Film Brain gives the obligatory "THIS! IS! SPARTA!", then smiles and says, "Couldn't resist."

Men in Black II

• This exchange:
  Film Brain: The King of Pop isn't dead, that's just his cover.
  Sock: VERY VERY WRONG!
• His rage at the villain's repeated false deaths: "WHY WON'T YOU DIE????"

The Ugly Truth

• This exchange:
  Gerard Butler: You want to thank your pussy for me there?
  Film Brain: Boy, he's just like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.
• The dictionary bit after a scene with Katherine Heigl's vibrating panties activating in a restaurant.
• "I'm ashamed of having a penis now. I hope you're happy."

Cobra

• The Phelous-esque cartoon noises for the cars leaping up from speed bumps, over and over...
• This line, after seeing someone shoot random things in the grocery store:
  "Film Brain": Take that vegetables! Take that crisps! Take that Unusually explosive soda bottles!

Driven

• "Originally intended as a biopic of the late Ayrton Senna, it evolved into a racing movie set in Formula One. One problem: the Formula One bosses took one look at the script and told Stallone to get stuffed."
• "So the film starts in Long Beach, no it starts in Miami, no it's in Mexico, HOLY CRAP WHERE ARE WE?"
• When Stallone easily head-dodges a manhole cover "Mmmm, fake."
• After an especially stupid moment:
  "HELLO!? CONTINUITY!? GOD, THIS MOVIE IS MADE BY F*CKING RETARDS!!
• "Hum if you BELIEVE!"

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

• After an especially stupid moment:
  "HUMOR, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?"

Parting Shots

• In the restaurant scene, after discussing how the scene is basically there as an Author Tract based off of director Michael Winner's experience as a food critic, Brain gets to the head chef.
  They complain to the head chef, Renzo, played by... Jesus, Ben Kingsley.
  • Then the main character comes back to kill the chef, leading to, in Brain's words, Ben Kingsley's most undignified death scene.
  You know, when you make a movie about shooting dead your enemies, you might want to afford a gun that fires, to spare Ben Kingsley the indignity of being killed by a gunshot sound effect.
• John Cleese is as unsubtle as ever
  Harry: Have you no conscience?
  Cleese's Character: This is advertising (laughs)
  Film Brain: Give me the gun and I'll shoot him myself.

Bride Wars

• "The film opens with this title sequence involving girly mementos." (rolls eyes) "Oh boy. Two minutes in and already I have too much of a penis for this movie."
• Emma: Do you think there's something better than Vera Wang? Do they keep that next to the "something better than chocolate"?
  Film Brain: Oh, those Vera Wang jokes, they're hilarious! (Beat) Who the [BLEEP] is Vera Wang?
• Welshy's cameos, including him dancing to the original Oompa-Loompa song.

Epic Movie

• When a part in the Narnia 'Cribs' parody skips itself repeatedly, he comments:
  "And it seems the audience has just paid for a low-grade YouTube Poop on the big screen!"
• Which at that point starts to repeat him saying 'Screen!' over and over until it becomes "ScrScrScrScr!", interlaced with King Harkinian from The Legend of Zelda CD-i Games saying "Dinner!"
  • O_O
• At one point, he gets sick of how childish the movie is and states "I'm too old for this shit."
• "She can't read! LAUGH!!"
• (Seeing random nudity) "I'm guessing that wasn't in the PG-13 version" and eventually wrapping that bit with "And by the way, porn can be found on the internet!"
• Pointing out that the film just seems to end up taking jokes and things from other films, and when he sees a joke 'taken' from Borat -
  Film Brain: THAT'S THE SAME JOKE! With ONE word changed! The same joke! This isn't parody or plagiarism, this is downright THEFT!
• "Look, guys, there's a difference between parody and plagiarism! THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING!"

D-War

• During the flashback scene, Film Brain makes it sound like Jack is making creepy advances on Ethan:
  Jack: Finally, I found you!
  Film Brain: (as Jack) I have you all to myself, little boy!
  • Also, his impersonation of young Ethan:
  Film Brain: (falsetto) "Umm, Sir, I hate to say this, but YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR F***ING MIND! COME BACK, DADDY, COME BACK!!!"
• As the review progresses, Film Brain becomes increasingly frustrated with having to summarise the film's complicated mythological background.
  Film Brain: How much more of this shit do I have to say? I don't understand half of it, and I'm probably butchering the Korean pronunciation! (sound of guns being cocked) Okay, okay! Hold on! Calm down!
• After a character runs from a giant snake (the Big Bad), and then runs back out after encountering The Dragon (who, in spite of the trope and the movie, is not a dragon):
  Film Brain: No, go back into the house, not around the corner. See now there's the evil dude! No, don't run towards the giant serpent, you fool! Oh, see? You're dead now. You're dead because you're stupid. You're stupid and you're dead!
• Every time Film Brain points out the film's many visual references to The Lord of the Rings:
  • Describing Bochun as looking "like a Korean Gandalf."
  • "Quick, get Viggo Mortensen and Ian McKellen on the boat! And get Orlando Bloom, too, he's good for target practice!"
  • “When they wake up in... the middle of Mordor? Seriously, Peter Jackson should sue, because it looks f***ing identical! Where the hell are we?”
• Film Brain's voice-over as the film ends with Ethan being left in the middle of nowhere:
  Film Brain: (as Ethan) Hello? Anyone there? Could anyone tell me how the fuck I get back to L.A.? Hello? I'm scared!”

Hudson Hawk

• Him envisioning what the writing process for a particularly choppy scene:
  Writer: Eddie and Tommy jump off the building and... Shit. How do I end this scene? Ah! They land in the next scene! Yes! I am a genius.
• "This couple from hell are the Mayflowers, Darwin and Menova, played by Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard, whose grotesque performances may have set acting back a couple of decades."
• And because random equals funny to filmmakers Fred explodes.
• This:
  Mario Brother: Subtlety's not one of our strong points.
  Film Brain: No kidding.
• Film Brain demonstrates mugging: By flailing about with a Slasher Smile on his face and shouting "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I DID ALL MY REVIEWS LIKE THIS? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"
• "You see Darwin has his sights set on world domination. That is if there's any world left after Richard E.Grant's monstrous scenery chomping."
• The CSI: Miami reference when Eddie and KitKat (David Caruso) take off their glasses.
• "These scenes may have worked if Bruce Willis and Andie MacDowell had any chemistry. Or Jokes. Or anything remotely interesting happening."
• And This:
  Butterfinger: Do you want me to rape em?
  Film Brain: Wow, that was spectacularly unfunny. Go home and think about what you did.
• "With all the rewrites I'm sure the fact that this makes no sense was completely unintentional."
• Playing "Never Gonna Give You Up" as two people he refers two as "The Rick Astleys" get shot in the head.
• "Why are we saying words twice twice? It's not funny funny!"
• This exchange:
  Darwin: I'll torture you so slowly you'll think it's a career.
  Film Brain: I suspect the people who worked on this movie sympathize.
• "Oh I'm sorry did I say paralyzation darts? I meant idiotic gurning darts."
• "I'm not even angry. I just pity them"
• "You really suck at this comedy thing, don't you, Andie MacDowell?"
• "Darwin responds by humping the air and making a speech hammier than a delicatessen."
• The entire opening with him and Spoony taking shots at each other.
• "Yikes! Even the Tri Star horse has turned on Bruce!"
• This exchange:
  Darwin:"What can I say? I'm the villain."
  Film Brain:"No shit."

Mega Piranha

• When the US and Venezuelan ambassadors spot... something made of CG in the river.
  Film Brain: (in a Scottish accent) Och, there's Nessie! Bit far upstream for her, isn't it?
  Character: What could do that to an alligator?!
  Film Brain: Oh. That's... meant to be an alligator. Bah.
• From the same scene, when the boat starts shaking:
  Character: What the hell is that?
  Film Brain: It's a couple of stagehands rocking the boat-I mean, it's a bunch of hungry piranhas!
• The poor direction of the film starts to make itself pretty clear:
  Monroe: It has to be them! They must be doubling in size every few days! (cue a very awkward pause)
  Film Brain: Um, is someone missing their cue? Speak?
  Brian: No.
  Film Brain: Ah, there we go.
  Brian: If this is correct, they must be doubling in size every thirty-six hours. (another awkward pause)
  Film Brain: (monotone) Because people always pause between lines of. Conversation.
• When Jason meets Colonel Diaz for the first time, the camera is constantly shifting around.
  Film Brain: (with his camera moving exactly the same way) Guys, can we have a camera guy that isn't drunk please? Uh, hello?
• Given a hysterical follow-up just moments later:
  Pilot: The Orinoco, a land of violence and death and death, Mr. Fitch.
  Film Brain: Why did he say 'and death' twice? Forget the camera guy, is there anyone in this film that isn't drunk off their ass?!
• This gem:
  Film Brain: I'm a stereotype! I blow everything up!
• When Paul explains the situation to his boss.
  Jason: "It wasn't an explosion," *scoffing* "and it wasn't terrorists." *dead serious* "It was giant piranha."
  Film Brain: "Sir, those theories were ludicrous. Of course they were killed by giant mutated killer fish!" *Beat* "Stop laughing!"
• Brain laughing at the giant piranha crashing into a random building.
• The video game sequence involving Jason kicking the piranhas for one ups. Oddly enough, there's no comparison to Guile from Street Fighter.
• Film Brain making fun of the film using black-and-white still images and subtitles to quickly introduce the main characters.
  MATHEW BUCK
  Whiny British Douchebag.

10, 000 B.C.

• Playing The Flintstones theme song during the end credits of the review was a stroke of genius.
• His numerous hilarious fits of rage over the plentiful history fail and geography fail. Especially the fact that they trekked all the way from Russia to the pyramids and it's supposed to be set thousands of years before there were ANY pyramids in Egypt.
  • He reacts to the pyramids by first beating himself repeatedly with an Indiana Jones boxset and then a wall.
• Using the death tune from Super Mario Bros. (twice!) for the deaths of two characters was hysterical. Listen to it here.
• "What next, nuclear weapons? Well, that might actually make the film entertaining."
• "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our wigs!"

The Riddle

• When the bum (secretly an immortal Charles Dickens appears, his first line is overdubbed with "Change! Ya got change?!

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