- Voldemort taunting Draco: "And how do you suppose to get my Death Eaters into your daycare centre!? And don't suggest a giant slide, or a trampoline ... because we already tried those."
- One of the cut lines from the AVPM edit:
Hermione: Someone's coming!
Ron: It's not me, I swear!
- When Quirrel walks by, Malfoy says "Go home, terrorist!".
- Then when everyone looks at him, he quickly pretends to be looking around him trying to figure out who said it. The expressions Lauren Lopez makes are hilarious.
- Snape's lecture on portkeys:
Snape: A Portkey can be a harmless thing like a football or a dolphin.
Hufflepuff Girl: Professor, can, like, a person be a portkey?
- Also, his reaction to the look.
- Voldemort to Quirrel:
Enough with the Dark King already, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort... we're there! We've reached that point!
- The entire introduction of Cho Chang:
Ginny: Konnichiwa, Cho Chang. It is GOOD to MEET you. I am GIN-ny Weas-LEY.
Lavender: BITCH, I AIN'T CHO CHANG!
: That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER! *Dope Slap
- The fact that she says Konnichiwa, which is Japanese, to someone who (she thinks) is named Cho Chang, which is Chinese, makes it even funnier.
- To be fair, the song Cho, Lavender, and Pansy sing when they enter is in Japanese when it isn't Engrishy gibberish.
- And to be fair, "Chou" is the Japanese word for "butterfly." as in "social butterfly", which Cho certainly is, and can also mean "one billion/trillion" which can refer either to her good looks (when combined with the meaning of her surname, "beautiful"), or her popularity.
- And then the real Cho Chang comes out...
- "Draco, you little shit!"
- Goyle, full stop.
- "And you have to bemySLAVEFORAWHOLEDAYSTARTINGNOW!"
- That's the SECOND time this has happen to me!
- Please let the world remember that Lauren Lopez decided to improvise that in the moment and everyone else played along.
- Voldemort to Bellatrix — "You want to try something new? Get on the table... now sit up..." *Sits back-to-back with her like with Quirrel.*
- Voldemort: "Now two people are mad at me!"
- "I'll be in the drawwwring room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces."
- Everything concerning Pigfarts.
- Draco attempting to burst into song about it and promptly being stopped by Voldemort.
- "But he's so charismatic!"
- "Well, I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place. And so do your CLOTHES! Namely, a DRESSER!"
- "... So anyway, it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of its cave with an upside down cake, then I lassoed it with my Fruit by the Foot and beheaded it with a quick Slicing Charm. Bloody fool!"
- "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"
- Three words: "Voldemort out, bitches."
- Ron's gigantic Hershey's bar and his complaints about Hermione after the Ball:
Ron: Every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest and I know it's her fault—that bitch.
- Snape explaining how to destroy the last horcrux:
Snape: Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch, very, carefully...
Snape: (Drops Dead)
Draco: He didn't even do anything.
Harry: That's because he's dead you dumb mother-...
- Right before Harry's Heroic Sacrifice:
- Harry trying to trade dragons with Draco.
Harry: C'mon, I'll give you my gushers!
Draco: No. I've got a fruit by the foot, so I don't want your gushers.
Harry: Look, I'll even throw in my Teddy Grahams so you can make little gusher-teddy-graham sandwiches.
- Then Draco offers to trade if he'll throw in some Bugles. Harry decides it just isn't worth it.
- After Draco finds that he cannot kill Dumbledore, Snape shouting "Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!" It took This Troper a minute to process, and then proceeded to go back and re-watch it 5 times.
- Just before Snape betrays the Death Eaters:
- Snape when he gets bitten:
- Any time Draco gets a monologue. Especially the "Pigfarts" bit, in which he's talking about going to school on Mars and somehow turns it around and makes it about how dumb Harry is for thinking he could go there. Complete with ridiculously overblown sarcasm. And writhing on the floor.
"I can't go to Pigfarts, it's on Mars! You need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when their parents died. Oh, look at this! Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!"
- "The Sorting Hat and The Scarf Of Sexual Preference won't be back until next year, so basically I've just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy in Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy in Slytherin, and the rest can just go wherever the hell they want."
- Snape: "Harry... I've always wanted to bone your mom."
- "Maybe you'll just have to fight Mushu from Mulan, or like Puff The Magic Dragon or something."
- Dumbledore: "For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. Figment the Imaginary Dragon. The Reluctant Dragon. And for you Potter....THE HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL, THE MOST TERRIFYING THING YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!"
- Ron: "Man, this competition's gonna suck. All these dragons are lame. Accio Double Stuff. *sees Harry's dragon* Oh my God, monster!! Is this yours?! Oh my God, that is so awesome, let me hold it! This thing is terrifying. I hope real thing is smaller. Rawr!"
- This exchange about horcruxes:
Hermione: "Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion."
Harry: "Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not gonna do that."
- Harry talking to Ginny after he sings her the "Ginny Song":
Harry: "So, what do you think? Do you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?
Ginny: "I think it already has."
Harry: "Good! 'Cause it's for Cho Chang!"
Ginny: *sounding sad* "Oh, yeah. She sure is beautiful."
Harry: "Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot. She is far more appealing, far more interesting, and far more attractive than anyone I know... in my immediate group of friends."
- This discussion after Snape talks about Portkeys:
Snape: "A person can, however, be a horcrux."
Harry: "What's, uh, what's a horcrux?"
Snape: "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough."
- Harry: "A goat? Oh my God, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally."
Harry: *hiding under the Invisibility Cloak* "Did he just say 'dragons'?"
Snape: *to Dumbledore* "Did you just say 'did he just say dragons'?"
Dumbledore: "I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to have shut up, Potter."
- After Harry tells Ron why he should tell Hermione he likes her:
Ron: "Where are you going? I'm still mad and sad."
Harry: "Hold on, HP's gonna take his own advice, pal."
- In the graveyard:
Harry: "Cedric! You are so annoying! OK? You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy all the time. This spare dude. You're such a spare!"
Voldemort: "Kill the spare!"
- Ron: "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"
- This exchange:
Harry: "Yeah, and furthermore, do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?"
Draco: "Oh, well, I guess if you're giving me the option, I'll kick my own ass, thanks."
- All of Malfoy's denials about his real feelings towards Hermione, but this one in particular leaves me in stitches.
Draco: "You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being the ugliest and 10 being pretty? I'd give her... an 8. 8.5. More like a 9. Not, not higher than a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10... because I'm worth it."
- "WHO DISRESPECTING DA UMBRIDGE?!?" In fact, any scene with Umbridge probably has a couple of these.
- "I am woman, hear me SMASH!" *stamps feet repeatedly*
- "Now you're a rule-breaker, Potter. And it's time for your punishment." "Punishment?" "Oh, it's nothing TOO bad. You've just gotta—takes out a huge knife—take this knife, put it upright on a chair, and SIT ON IT, POTZI!"
- Even funnier is later when this little interaction takes place:
Umbridge: Now, Potter, where was I?
Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife...
- Her checking the flowers for explosives after holding Neville at swordpoint, immediately followed by him running in terror after she tries to give him a thank-you hug.
- Seamus right before Harry Freakin' Potter:
"Bloody 'Ell, it's 'Arry Po'eeerrr!!!"
- All of Seamus' uses of "bloody ___!" especially the last one in Act 2:
, it's Sirius Black!!!"
- Sorty's proposal to Scarfy.
- Both Sirius and Lupin after jumping around like complete nutters making farting noises:
Who looks stupid now? You do!
- The entire scene with Mama Umbridge.
- "Just once... just one time... I wanted to take your mum's... boobies... and put them on my face, and go BLBLBLBLBLBLBL!"
- Any time Lucius enters/exits a room.
- Lucius period. The increasingly-ridiculous dancing (especially the trust fall) is the best.
- The bit where he makes the deatheaters dance when Potter wakes up:
"Yes, it's gonna feel goofy but it's gonna look so fucking good."
- Harry's legitimately impressed reaction to that dance is golden too.
- Harry enters his compartment on the Hogwarts Express by simply miming opening a door handle. Ron, on the other hand, mimes a complex sequence of high-tech security measures, including a retinal scan, in a hilarious Overly Long Gag.
- And when he finally gets the door open, the sting from Seinfeld once again plays!
- When Hermione comes in later, she doesn't even bother with the door.
- Molly Weasley in the beginning, especially "ya got an F on your shirt, dumbass!".
- Firenze. The outfit, the silly voice, the fact that he's Goyle, "My chest!"...
- Any time Draco draws.
DRACO: Hey, Potter. Potter. Potter. I drew a picture of you. You see what's happening to you in it. It's you getting hit in the head with a quaffle. Don't you feel foolish? Look, that's me, that one, that's me. And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's probably- It's probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back?- Wait, no. I'm taking it! What do you think about that, Potter? Stolen your favorite drawing, right? Look, what do you think of this (rips drawing) *gasp* No! Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done, Potter. You wait 'til my father hears about this! He'll say 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human?' And then, he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the mess I've left in it and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.
- Draco's introduction in the sequel
- Hermione can't draw, Hermione can't draw, Hermione cannot draw! She only reads books and she cannot draw even if she's reading a how to draw book!
- "SIRIUS BLACK! SIRIUS BLA- oh, checkmate. SIRIUS BLACK!"
- Basically anything to do with Red Vines, specifically the Stepbrothers-type scene involving them in Act 1 part 2.
Ron: Favorite way to say "red wines" in a German accent?
Ron and Harry: "Red Vines!" OH MY GOD!
Firenze: Finally, I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs!
- "Platform 9 & 3/4? There's no such thing. You're the 700th kid to ask me that, and I still refuse to believe it exists!"
- After Dumbledore (with Scarfy) disapparates:
Umbridge: Where'd he go?!
Snape: He disapparated!
Umbridge: What?! That's bullshit Snape, you can't disapparate inside Hogwarts! Right?
Dumbledore: [offstage] Right!
Umbridge: Right! DAMMIT! [high kicks Hermione in face]
- When the Trio and Draco have captured Lucius, and he's explaining that he isn't Draco's father:
Lucius: Narcissa choreographed an affair with someone behind my back. Someone I trusted. Someone I may have even loved.
Ron: Regulus Black, Sirius's brother?
- Just about any scene with Snape and Lupin. After Umbridge fires Lupin is a particularly good example.
Lupin: "Guess you're happy about this."
Snape: "Look at my face, Remus; do I look happy?" *grins and begins singing and dancing* Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired! Lupin got fired!"
We can't expel each other! [Hopefully] Can we?
- "Did you get my text? Well, you didn't text me back."
- Goyle's Introduction: "WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?"
- Lupin teaching the kids how to produce a Patronus:
Lupin: The only thing you need to make a Patronus... is a wonderful thought...
- "I'll imagine I'm at the Valentine's Day Feel-her-up dance and all the boys can't keep their hands off me!"
- Lupin's victory dance after Gryffindor win the Quidditch match, in which he shamelessly marches up and down the stage, covered in blood and dressed in nothing but his underwear, smacking his own ass. This troper was laughing so hard that her sister thought she was having an asthma attack.
- Even better is Neville and Rita Skeeter finding him in his underwear, just having attacked a doe. Lupin's reaction:
Oh shit, who'd I kill?
- Brian Holden is freaking fearless. Half of what he does as Lupin would be completely unfunny in the hands of another actor, but Holden just goes for it, "butt trumpet", "*cough Lupin shouldn't pay for that cough*", and all.
- Snape's reaction to Umbridge changing the portrait in Dumbledore's office:
Snape: Why did you call me out of bed at this hour—(sees the poster) Where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?!
Umbridge: I don't care for Zac Efron. Taylor Lautner's my man.
Snape: (points at her in abject horror) What do you want, you horrid bitch?!
- Later on, when the poster of Zac Efron is rightly restored, we get the tiny cameo of Voldemort popping in.
- Ron's Poop-Nose maneuver on Draco. Also doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- Ron's speech of encouragement to Hermione... using Spider-Man.
- EVIL PLANS! WE ARE MAKING EVIL PLANS!
- I can't believe it hasn't been mentioned, the speech before No Way:
Ron: When you use the Protronus, you have to have a happy thought, okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad. There is absolutely no way we can win.
Harry: No way? You listen to me to me now, for 11 years I was a little douche bag locked up under some stairs. But this year? I've found I'm a wizard, and I'm famous, and I can fly, and turn invisible, and I just traveled the FUCK back in time. So Fuck you Draco, how's that for a happy thought? (Cue Song)
- The end of Act 1.
- Snape replacing "Mama's Love Hand" with a quill.
- It's unnoticed, but after Harry's first day he says, "The best class was definitely Satanic Rituals."
- Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
Harry: What flavor did you get?
- This exchange, which goes something like this:
Snape: So Lupin, what do you like to do in the full moonlight?
Lupin: Why that's easy, Snape. KILL! (The kids gasp) I mean, kill animals! (The kids gasp some more) I mean, dance with animals! (They sigh in relief)
- Especially funny since only Lavender (who always cries) cries on the word "kill", but when he changes it to "kill animals", a bunch of the kids cry. Including Draco.
Snape: Hey Lupin, want to come look at the full moon with me? HAHA zombie! *runs off*
- Harry trying to cheer Hermione up by explaining how much of a douchebag ("I'm Jesse McCartney's Douchebag!") he is in the Muggle world... and basically describing the actor playing him, Darren Criss. Also, any time they get Hermione's name wrong, and the one time he gets it right:
Hermione: That's it, you said my name right!
Harry: [Excitedly] Really? Her—man— Munster?
Hermione:... Close enough.
- Any time Lavender Brown cries when she's scared straddles the line between this and Woobie-dom.
- "I'm in a rage! This is the maddest I've ever been!"
- Draco's monologue about going to the potty will have you in tears laughing even if you don't like bathroom humor.
- When being taught the patronus, this dialog
Remus: What's your happy thought, Ron? Maybe a certain frumpy haired witch?
Ron: (who had been massaging Hermione's back, jumps back in horror and puts his arm around Harry) No, I was thinking about Harry.
Harry: Oh cool, what a coincidence, I was thinking about myself too.
- In the first scene, Lucius lampshades the confusion many likely felt when they heard about the sequel, given how the first show ended. "There is literally no way to move forward from this point!"
- "Didja hear the one about Sirius Black an' Flitwick's li-ul bruvvah?"
- Ron about Hermione: "OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL!"
- After Harry finds Sirius:
Sirius: "What I actually said was I want to hug... and kiss him. *hugs and kisses Harry*"
Harry: "I believe him guys. He saw my parents in the mirror, and well, you can't fake that!"
- The entire speech Umbridge gives to the girls:
Umbridge: "And, from that moment forward, I picked up everything I could find and hoisted it up over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Because, Iíll tell you, girls, itís a manís world out there and to get ahead, you gotta be stronger than a man. You gotta be a WO-MAN. I AM WOMAN... HEAR ME SMASH!"
- And Umbridge's laugh: "A DUR DUR DUR DUR DUR"
- Lupin: "Stay out of the Shrieking Shack. I'm a werewolf in there."
- Umbridge: "So, you're smarter than the person who wrote this book? You're smarter than (checks book)... Merlin?"
- Umbridge laying down some new rules: "Rule number one: No Boys!... Unless they're cute! Rule number two: No alcohol... unless there's plenty to go round! And rule number three: no parties... UNLESS UMBRIDGE IS INVITED!!"
- Not from the play itself but Tom Felton's reaction to the casting is pretty hilarious.
Fan: She rolls around on the floor a lot.
Felton: Rolls around on the floor a lot...?
- From towards the middle of the play, in Act 1 Part 13:
Dumbledore: Severus! What's the goofiest thing you've ever done? Because I bet I just topped it!
Snape: I doubt it. My actions led directly to the death of the only thing I've ever loved...
- During one performance of the Sequel, Umbridge's shoe flew off after she high-kicked Hermione in the face. All of the actors noticed it and barely contained their laughter... except for Darren, who was completely clueless.
- When Ron and Harry head into the Shrieking Shack, they attempt to remember what Hermione's name is when calling out to her. Hilarity ensues.
- Joe... Professor Snape's interview with Joe Walker. You can tell Walker is trying so hard to not punch Snape.
Snape: If you had a favorite animal, would you pick a duck or a chicken?
Joe: A duck-
Snape: *loud duck/buzzing noise*
Just. Joe's face.