"And you have to bemySLAVEFORAWHOLEDAYSTARTINGNOW!"
That's the SECOND time this has happen to me!
Voldemort to Bellatrix — "You want to try something new? Get on the table... now sit up..." *Sits back-to-back with her like with Quirrel.*
Voldemort: "Now two people are mad at me!"
"I'll be in the drawwwring room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces."
Everything concerning Pigfarts.
"But he's so charismatic!"
"Well, I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place. And so do your CLOTHES! Namely, a DRESSER!"
"... So anyway, it was reluctant enough at first but I lured it out of its cave with an upside down cake, then I lassoed it with my Fruit by the Foot and beheaded it with a quick Slicing Charm. Bloody fool!"
"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"
Three words: "Voldemort out, bitches."
Ron's gigantic Hershey's bar and his complaints about Hermione after the Ball:
Ron: Every time I look at her I get these pains in my chest and I know it's her fault—that bitch.
Snape explaining how to destroy the last horcrux:
Snape: Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch, very, carefully...
Snape: (Drops Dead)
Draco: He didn't even do anything.
Harry: That's because he's dead you dumb mother-...
Any time Draco gets a monologue. Especially the "Pigfarts" bit, in which he's talking about going to school on Mars and somehow turns it around and makes it about how dumb Harry is for thinking he could go there. Complete with ridiculously overblown sarcasm. And writhing on the floor.
"I can't go to Pigfarts, it's on Mars! You need a rocketship! Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when their parents died. Oh, look at this! Look at this! Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!"
"The Sorting Hat and The Scarf Of Sexual Preference won't be back until next year, so basically I've just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy in Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy in Slytherin, and the rest can just go wherever the hell they want."
Snape: "Harry... I've always wanted to bone your mom."
"Maybe you'll just have to fight Mushu from Mulan, or like Puff The Magic Dragon or something."
Dumbledore: "For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. Figment the Imaginary Dragon. The Reluctant Dragon. And for you Potter....THE HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL, THE MOST TERRIFYING THING YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!"
Ron: "Man, this competition's gonna suck. All these dragons are lame. Accio Double Stuff. *sees Harry's dragon* Oh my God, monster!! Is this yours?! Oh my God, that is so awesome, let me hold it! This thing is terrifying. I hope real thing is smaller. Rawr!"
This exchange about horcruxes:
Hermione: "Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion."
Harry: "Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not gonna do that."
Harry talking to Ginny after he sings her the "Ginny Song":
Harry: "So, what do you think? Do you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?
Ginny: "I think it already has."
Harry: "Good! 'Cause it's for Cho Chang!"
Ginny: *sounding sad* "Oh, yeah. She sure is beautiful."
Harry: "Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot. She is far more appealing, far more interesting, and far more attractive than anyone I know... in my immediate group of friends."
This discussion after Snape talks about Portkeys:
Snape: "A person can, however, be a horcrux."
Harry: "What's, uh, what's a horcrux?"
Snape: "I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough."
Harry: "A goat? Oh my God, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally."
And immediately after:
Harry: *hiding under the Invisibility Cloak* "Did he just say 'dragons'?"
Snape: *to Dumbledore* "Did you just say 'did he just say dragons'?"
Dumbledore: "I must have because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to have shut up, Potter."
After Harry tells Ron why he should tell Hermione he likes her:
Ron: "Where are you going? I'm still mad and sad."
Harry: "Hold on, HP's gonna take his own advice, pal."
In the graveyard:
Harry: "Cedric! You are so annoying! OK? You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy all the time. This spare dude. You're such a spare!"
Voldemort: "Kill the spare!"
Ron: "So good luck with whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after. Me? I am never going to be happy again!"
Harry: "Yeah, and furthermore, do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?"
Draco: "Oh, well, I guess if you're giving me the option, I'll kick my own ass, thanks."
All of Malfoy's denials about his real feelings towards Hermione, but this one in particular leaves me in stitches.
Draco: "You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the ugliest and 10 being pretty? I'd give her... an 8. 8.5. More like a 9. Not, not higher than a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. That's why I'm holding out for a 10... because I'm worth it."
From A Very Potter Sequel:
"WHO DISRESPECTING DA UMBRIDGE?!?" In fact, any scene with Umbridge probably has a couple of these.
"I am woman, hear me SMASH!" *stamps feet repeatedly*
"Now you're a rule-breaker, Potter. And it's time for your punishment." "Punishment?" "Oh, it's nothing TOO bad. You've just gotta—takes out a huge knife—take this knife, put it upright on a chair, and SIT ON IT, POTZI!"
Even funnier is later when this little interaction takes place:
Umbridge: Now, Potter, where was I?
Harry: You were telling me to sit on a knife...
Her checking the flowers for explosives after holding Neville at swordpoint, immediately followed by him running in terror after she tries to give him a thank-you hug.
Seamus right before Harry Freakin' Potter:
"Bloody 'Ell, it's 'Arry Po'eeerrr!!!"
All of Seamus' uses of "bloody ___!" especially the last one in Act 2:
A little extra funny (or perhaps just weird) when you consider the actress who plays Lily is pretty flat-chested.
For bonus points, when Snape interviews Arielle Goldman (the actress who plays Lily and a few other characters), he hits on her pretty shamelessly.
Gets even funnier when Snape rescues Harry later.
"Besides, you have your mom's eyes. And..." *looks at Harry's chest before walking off*
Snape so drunk he can barely speak.
Any time Lucius enters/exits a room.
Lucius period. The increasingly-ridiculous dancing (especially the trust fall) is the best.
The bit where he makes the deatheaters dance when Potter wakes up:
"Yes, it's gonna feel goofy but it's gonna look so fucking good."
Harry enters his compartment on the Hogwarts Express by simply miming opening a door handle. Ron, on the other hand, mimes a complex sequence of high-tech security measures, including a retinal scan, in a hilarious Overly Long Gag.
And when he finally gets the door open, the sting from Seinfeld once again plays!
When Hermione comes in later, she doesn't even bother with the door.
Molly Weasley in the beginning, especially "ya got an F on your shirt, dumbass!".
Firenze. The outfit, the silly voice, the fact that he's Goyle, "My chest!"...
And his hilariously pretentious dialogue! A great spoof on the "noble centaur" archetype, and pretty much any "noble and wise" fantasy creature ever written.
It's Firenze, our centaur friend!
Any time Draco draws.
DRACO: Hey, Potter. Potter. Potter. I drew a picture of you. You see what's happening to you in it. It's you getting hit in the head with a quaffle. Don't you feel foolish? Look, that's me, that one, that's me. And I'm in the background laughing and pointing at you. We're having a right good time, aren't we? Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater, it's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's probably- It's probably the best I've ever done. Actually, can I have that back?- Wait, no. I'm taking it! What do you think about that, Potter? Stolen your favorite drawing, right? Look, what do you think of this (rips drawing) *gasp* No! Goyle, paste it! Now look what you've done, Potter. You wait 'til my father hears about this! He'll say 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer, why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human?' And then, he will pull down my diaper and scold me for the mess I've left in it and spank my cheeks as red as cherries.
Lupin's victory dance after Gryffindor win the Quidditch match, in which he shamelessly marches up and down the stage, covered in blood and dressed in nothing but his underwear, smacking his own ass. This troper was laughing so hard that her sister thought she was having an asthma attack.
Even better is Neville and Rita Skeeter finding him in his underwear, just having attacked a doe. Lupin's reaction:
Oh shit, who'd I kill?
Brian Holden is freaking fearless. Half of what he does as Lupin would be completely unfunny in the hands of another actor, but Holden just goes for it, "butt trumpet", "*cough Lupin shouldn't pay for that cough*", and all.
I can't believe it hasn't been mentioned, the speech before No Way:
Ron: When you use the Protronus, you have to have a happy thought, okay? And every time we get near those Dementors, I'm just super sad. There is absolutely no way we can win.
Harry: No way? You listen to me to me now, for 11 years I was a little douche bag locked up under some stairs. But this year? I've found I'm a wizard, and I'm famous, and I can fly, and turn invisible, and I just traveled the FUCK back in time. So Fuck you Draco, how's that for a happy thought? (Cue Song)
The end of Act 1.
Snape replacing "Mama's Love Hand" with a quill.
It's unnoticed, but after Harry's first day he says, "The best class was definitely Satanic Rituals."
Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
Harry: What flavor did you get?
This exchange, which goes something like this:
Snape: So Lupin, what do you like to do in the full moonlight?
Lupin: Why that's easy, Snape. KILL! (The kids gasp) I mean, kill animals! (The kids gasp some more) I mean, dance with animals! (They sigh in relief)
Especially funny since only Lavender (who always cries) cries on the word "kill", but when he changes it to "kill animals", a bunch of the kids cry. Including Draco.
Snape: Hey Lupin, want to come look at the full moon with me? HAHA zombie! *runs off*
Harry trying to cheer Hermione up by explaining how much of a douchebag ("I'm Jesse McCartney's Douchebag!") he is in the Muggle world... and basically describing the actor playing him, Darren Criss. Also, any time they get Hermione's name wrong, and the one time he gets it right:
Hermione: That's it, you said my name right!
Harry: [Excitedly] Really? Her—man— Munster?
Hermione:... Close enough.
Any time Lavender Brown cries when she's scared straddles the line between this and Woobie-dom.
In the first scene, Lucius lampshades the confusion many likely felt when they heard about the sequel, given how the first show ended. "There is literally no way to move forward from this point!"
"Didja hear the one about Sirius Black an' Flitwick's li-ul bruvvah?"
Ron about Hermione: "OH MY GOD, NIGHT TROLL!"
After Harry finds Sirius:
Sirius: "What I actually said was I want to hug... and kiss him. *hugs and kisses Harry*"
Harry: "I believe him guys. He saw my parents in the mirror, and well, you can't fake that!"
The entire speech Umbridge gives to the girls:
Umbridge: "And, from that moment forward, I picked up everything I could find and hoisted it up over my head and I ate nothing but protein shakes, falcon eggs, and rocks. Because, Iíll tell you, girls, itís a manís world out there and to get ahead, you gotta be stronger than a man. You gotta be a WO-MAN. I AM WOMAN... HEAR ME SMASH!"
And Umbridge's laugh: "A DUR DUR DUR DUR DUR"
Lupin: "Stay out of the Shrieking Shack. I'm a werewolf in there."
Umbridge: "So, you're smarter than the person who wrote this book? You're smarter than (checks book)... Merlin?"
Umbridge laying down some new rules: "Rule number one: No Boys!... Unless they're cute! Rule number two: No alcohol... unless there's plenty to go round! And rule number three: no parties... UNLESS UMBRIDGE IS INVITED!!"
Not from the play itself but Tom Felton's reaction to the casting is pretty hilarious.
During one performance of the Sequel, Umbridge's shoe flew off after she high-kicked Hermione in the face. All of the actors noticed it and barely contained their laughter... except for Darren, who was completely clueless.
When Ron and Harry head into the Shrieking Shack, they attempt to remember what Hermione's name is when calling out to her. Hilarity ensues.
Joe... Professor Snape's interview with JoeWalker. You can tell Walker is trying so hard to not punch Snape.
Speaking of which
Snape: If you had a favorite animal, would you pick a duck or a chicken?
Joe: A duck-
Snape: *loud duck/buzzing noise*
Just. Joe's face.
After getting her flowers from "Big D", this exchange from Umbridge:
Umbridge: But your Mama's not a bad mama. In fact, she's pretty cool. Right?
Harry: For the first time in my life...I don't want one
*Audience gasps in horror*
When Umbridge gets confused when Harry and friends appear behind her after she sees their past selves leave in front of her:
Umbridge: Potter!?! But- But- But I- But you just went- But I saw you go- But- DUUUUUURRRRRR!!!
From A Very Potter Senior Year:
"Get rid of the buttons Malfoy, or I'll kick you off my street team. Then we'll see who checks out your Tumblr."
Dumbledore's Paper-Thin Disguise. "I'm just your everyday working class blue collar...gay guy with a beard."
Lockhart's Motive Rant for wanting to bring Harry Potter's stories to the Muggle world and Take That at the commercialization of the Harry Potter franchise.
Ron: But Mr. Lockhart, if you sell Harry's story to Muggles you'll expose wizards! That's like taking our whole world and... and...
Lockhart: F*cking it in the face?
Lockhart: That's the idea. I'm going to make these books HUGE; then real fun begins! Do you have any idea how much I'm going to make on merchandise? The Severus Snape beach towel! The Hermione Granger toothbrush! How about a "real" wand, you little Muggle bastards!? Well, guess what kiddies: they're just resin! They don't shoot spells! And boy howdy, do they break like f*cking twigs! T-shirts, bed sheets, video games, action figures. And in time, a theme park in sunny Orlando, Florida, 85 bucks a head! How about a real butterbeer! 9 bucks, please! It's just cream soda, you F*CKING. IDIOTS! I'm going to squeeze the Harry Potter franchise for every last, red cent. And once I have all that money, I'm going to shrink myself to the size of a f*cking mouse!
Another line from Lockhart in the buildup to his monologue. "You can find Harry in your neighborhood bookstore this fall, motherf*cker."
The whole scene with Lily and Cedric, but especially: "Looks like I'm your Heavenly Father now, eh, Potter?"
Voldemort tries to make his big entrance in the Chamber of Secrets, having forgotten (likely along with most of the audience) that none of the heroes have touched the diary so all they see is a floating book.
Additionally, Joe forgets to wave the diary about and swears when he is reminded of it. Typical of Starkid, they play Shave And A Haircut.
Made even funnier when you realize that the whole rule about having to touch the diary to see/hear Voldemort was something Joe Walker improvised to justify why Hermione couldn't see or hear him (In the script this isn't mentioned at all and he just hides under a desk when she comes in, but since this was a staged reading, there was no desk and thus, no real place for him to hide). And rather than treat it as a throwaway improv, Darren chose to bring it up again, turning a dramatic confrontation into comedy gold.
Voldemort's death sequence. The narrator goes into dramatic detail about light shooting out of his body and his face melting to reveal a skull on fire, etc, but all Joe can do is flail about and make crazy faces as it keeps getting insane.
Narrator: Joe Walker dies.
Lupin swears and Harry immediately covers his ears. Lupin then corrects himself.
As Madame Pomfrey takes Moaning Myrtle's body to be fed to the house elves, Chris Allen is having to be dragged/rolled off stage in the most hilarious way possible.
And his wig falls off, so he has to claw his way back on and grab it while still trying to look dead.
This was right after Dumbledore had attempted (and supposedly failed) to use the Resurrection Stone on Moaning Myrtle's body, suggesting that maybe the Resurrection Stone didn't actually fail... and that Moaning Myrtle was alive when she was fed to the house-elves.
Whenever Chris Allen is Moaning Myrtle, period.
"Bloody hell. That snake is almost as big as this snake!"
Ron: How'd the sword get up in you Sorty?
Scarfy: I might have had something to do with that.
"Professor Flitwick told me your translations of Beedle the Bard's Boring Stories had him on the edge of his seat...which is saying something since if that small man were to fall from his chair he could die."
Talking about the head boy election:
Malfoy:Of course, my vote will be going to Harry Potter, whom I believe the best man for the job.
Harry:Thank you, Malfoy, I'll be voting for myself as well.
How McGonagall describes herself: "I consider myself to be a very reasonable uptight bitch..."
"I can't believe that the Chamber of Secrets was in the girls' bathroom all along. I guess the rumors are true. Salazar Slytherin built this place so he could watch little girls pee."
"It's Felix Felicis, the most powerful good luck potion in the world. I got it from professor Slughorn before he got busted for 'collecting' young boys."
Goyle drew "an old, majestic owl". He refuses to add a speach bubble saying 'Vote for Malfoy, he's a hoot', because he doesn't think the owl would say that.