- David's very first line is a Crowning Moment of Funny.
- Jackson giving everyone a final briefing before Dani leaves.
Jackson: The plane leaves at nine-fifteen and we have to pick David up too, so fair warning: anyone who attempts to sleep in will get a saucepan of water emptied over them.
- Sirius and Christian's breakfast is full of funny moments.
Christian: I'm going to clear out the attic today.
Sirius: You've given yourself quite a job. If you look long enough through that attic, you'll probably find an account of the Battle of Hastings written by a contemporary.
Christian held his hands up in a gesture that implied he was unarmed and defenseless, and it would be unsporting of his brother to throw anything at him, whether it was a plate or a cup of hot coffee.
Christian shrugged, accepting defeat, and went back to pouring himself a cup of tea.
Sirius: I believe I'll take a short trip to New York in a few days' time.
Christian found out the hard way that gasping and swallowing at the same time was not a good idea.
- While getting off the plane, Dani mixes her suitcase up with the suitcase of a random person who's been annoying David for the whole flight.
Obnoxious person: Oi, you ***ing bitch! That's my ***ing suitcase! Do you ***ing hear me?
He could probably be heard on Vampiru, and he certainly drew the unfavourable attention of every passenger on the plane. David wondered if he would be allowed to shapeshift into some large, dangerous animal. Perhaps a giant cobra.
Christian: Well, before you go, could you tell Marvin McGinty to -
Sirius: Go to hell?
Sirius: Would you mind doing something for me?
Christian: Such as...?
Sirius: Such as packing my suitcase.
Sirius made his escape in the midst of his brother's angry swearing.
- Any time Christian and Sirius are in the same scene, expect hilarity to ensue.
- "How old are you - forty-one or four?"
SIRIUS ARTHUR SANGUE, GET YOUR LAZY -
Sirius: If you finish that sentence, I will wash your mouth out with soap.
- After being turned into a child and losing his memories, David/Lucius introduces himself to Dani. She decides to go along with it.
Lucius: I am Lucius Sinistrah Jr., son of Lucius and Lacanna Sinistrah, grandson of Morcaius and Raith Sinistrah.
Dani: I am Danielle Tamari, daughter of Niall and Janice Tamari, granddaughter of Daniel and Saorise Tamari. [...] But everyone calls me Dani.
- Arthur Brennan is not having a good day.
The door to [Arthur's] office was hurled open and hit the wall with a resounding crash, and he looked up with a presentiment that his day was about to get even worse.
Too his surprise, the people who entered were not InGEN officers come to warn him Earth was about to be consumed by a supernova or police officers to tell him the Statue of Liberty had been stolen and was last seen flying over Buckingham Palace.
- In Vlad's first appearance, he's watching the 1968 film of Dracula. That's right; Dracula is watching Dracula. He didn't like it, either, if his later comments on the Dracula films are anything to go by.
- "It was all very well to set out to kill someone, but if you didn't know who that someone was, you were in a bit of a pickle."
- Dani's comments on vampires are pretty funny.
[S]eriously, [Vlad] looked younger than her father but had known her great-great-great grandparents - was he trying to beat Methuselah's record or something?
- When Hazel first meets Lucius, Hilarity Ensues, but special mention goes to this line.
- Officer Murray sees Leslie in the morgue, then calls Brennan.
- Leslie and Claude in general are pretty funny.
Leslie: It's dead.
- And so is Claude's summation of Leslie.
Leslie might be a genderless, literally shadowy alien that caused fear and unease everywhere they went [...] but they also had a knack for finding out things you wanted to keep hidden with more skill than the average gossip columnist and asked more awkward questions than the average teenager.