Funny: Vampiru

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     Cross 
  • The exchange between Celeste and her mother.
    Celeste: The plan worked perfectly!
    Moon: I'm glad to hear it. Wait, what plan?
    [...]
    Celeste: Momma, are you listening to me? The new Math teacher is a vampire!
    Moon: Oh, don't worry about it.
    Celeste: DON'T WORRY ABOUT...!?!
  • After Celeste is kidnapped, Dani finds that school has changed.
    For the first time since Dani had started school, Anahita did not yell at the students if they made the slightest mistake - even though, if some jokers were to be believed, Transylvania had relocated to America, and Sapporo to South Korea.
    • And what makes it even funnier is the way it's worded: you'd think that "some jokers" deliberately said those things.
  • The InGEN meeting and how it keeps going off topic.
    Jackson: We're going off topic again! Since it seems we can't reach an agreement by discussing it, how about we take a vote? All who think Miss Tamari should not be told the truth, raise your hand.
    Twenty-two hands shot up, Denzel's among them. Autumn gave them all death glares.
    Jackson: All who think Miss Tamari should be told, raise your hand.
    Twenty-three hands shot up, Jackson's, Lacey's, Robyn's, and Autumn's among them. Denzel gave them all death glares.
  • Any time Dani interacts with Phantom.
  • (InGEN) HQ had sent (Jackson) a Mount Everest of paperwork to fill out and return to them. Jackson had taken one look at the pile and suddenly developed a severe headache that left him incapable of completing them, so Lacey was having to do his job.
  • Boone and O'Hara's pillow fight.
  • This exchange:
    Dani: I woke up in a mansion, met a Grim Reaper-wannabe, found a friend who was kidnapped a month ago, escaped with her through an underground river, and was attacked by a werewolf. After that, you can say anything you like and I won't think you're insane.
  • Grievous: Nightmare, can I ask you something?
    Nightmare: What?
    Nightmare: It says here that - what the hell did you just say?!
  • In the final chapter, Terror pays David a visit.
    Terror: I came to apologise.
    David: Apologise? You? The day you apologise for anything will be the day that... that... The day you apologise for anything will be the day that a politician tells the truth.
  • In chapter 7, there's a description of Castle Dracula that ends with this:
    The whole place was proof that even Vlad's idea of "housekeeping" (read: do absolutely no work to the place until part of the roof falls) was better than no housekeeping at all.
  • Dani gets sarcastic while describing Nightmare's outfit.
    All in all, [Nightmare] looked like the result of a head-on, high-speed collision between a history book and a freakshow.
    Nightmare: I heard that, human brat.
    David: So did I. And it was the perfect description of you.
  • Dani gets sick of David's telepathy. In a shopping mall filled with people.
    Dani: I told you to stop reading my mind!
    David: Why don't you scream that a little louder, Miss Tamari? Because I'm sure there's some poor, deaf soul in Australia who didn't hear you!

     10:30, The Day Before Yesterday 
  • David's very first line is a Crowning Moment of Funny.
    David: No. Absolutely not. What do you think I am - some kind of intergalactic Mary Poppins?
  • Jackson giving everyone a final briefing before Dani leaves.
    Jackson: The plane leaves at nine-fifteen and we have to pick David up too, so fair warning: anyone who attempts to sleep in will get a saucepan of water emptied over them.
  • Sirius and Christian's breakfast is full of funny moments.
    Christian: I'm going to clear out the attic today.
    Sirius: You've given yourself quite a job. If you look long enough through that attic, you'll probably find an account of the Battle of Hastings written by a contemporary.
    [...]
    Christian held his hands up in a gesture that implied he was unarmed and defenseless, and it would be unsporting of his brother to throw anything at him, whether it was a plate or a cup of hot coffee.
    [...]
    Christian shrugged, accepting defeat, and went back to pouring himself a cup of tea.
    Sirius: I believe I'll take a short trip to New York in a few days' time.
    Christian found out the hard way that gasping and swallowing at the same time was not a good idea.
  • While getting off the plane, Dani mixes her suitcase up with the suitcase of a random person who's been annoying David for the whole flight.
    Obnoxious person: Oi, you ***ing bitch! That's my ***ing suitcase! Do you ***ing hear me?
    He could probably be heard on Vampiru, and he certainly drew the unfavourable attention of every passenger on the plane. David wondered if he would be allowed to shapeshift into some large, dangerous animal. Perhaps a giant cobra.
  • Christian: Well, before you go, could you tell Marvin McGinty to -
    Sirius: Go to hell?
    [...]
    Sirius: Would you mind doing something for me?
    Christian: Such as...?
    Sirius: Such as packing my suitcase.
    Sirius made his escape in the midst of his brother's angry swearing.
    • Any time Christian and Sirius are in the same scene, expect hilarity to ensue.
  • "How old are you - forty-one or four?"
  • Christian: SIRIUS ARTHUR SANGUE, GET YOUR LAZY -
    Sirius: If you finish that sentence, I will wash your mouth out with soap.
  • After being turned into a child and losing his memories, David/Lucius introduces himself to Dani. She decides to go along with it.
    Lucius: I am Lucius Sinistrah Jr., son of Lucius and Lacanna Sinistrah, grandson of Morcaius and Raith Sinistrah.
    [Beat]
    Dani: I am Danielle Tamari, daughter of Niall and Janice Tamari, granddaughter of Daniel and Saorise Tamari. [...] But everyone calls me Dani.
  • Arthur Brennan is not having a good day.
    The door to [Arthur's] office was hurled open and hit the wall with a resounding crash, and he looked up with a presentiment that his day was about to get even worse.
    Too his surprise, the people who entered were not InGEN officers come to warn him Earth was about to be consumed by a supernova or police officers to tell him the Statue of Liberty had been stolen and was last seen flying over Buckingham Palace.
  • In Vlad's first appearance, he's watching the 1968 film of Dracula. That's right; Dracula is watching Dracula. He didn't like it, either, if his later comments on the Dracula films are anything to go by.
  • "It was all very well to set out to kill someone, but if you didn't know who that someone was, you were in a bit of a pickle."
  • Dani's comments on vampires are pretty funny.
    [S]eriously, [Vlad] looked younger than her father but had known her great-great-great grandparents - was he trying to beat Methuselah's record or something?
  • When Hazel first meets Lucius, Hilarity Ensues, but special mention goes to this line.
    [Lucius] sounded affronted, as if expecting him to wonder why his twin looked at least twenty years older than him was highly unreasonable.
  • Officer Murray sees Leslie in the morgue, then calls Brennan.
    Murray: Sir? This is Officer John Murray speaking. I'd like to apply for a psychiatric evaluation. When? Right now.
  • Leslie and Claude in general are pretty funny.
    Leslie: It's dead.
    • And so is Claude's summation of Leslie.
    Leslie might be a genderless, literally shadowy alien that caused fear and unease everywhere they went [...] but they also had a knack for finding out things you wanted to keep hidden with more skill than the average gossip columnist and asked more awkward questions than the average teenager.
  • "All we need is some music and we'll be playing Pass the Parcel - Gothic Horror meets Science Fiction Style."
  • While Sirius is on the plane, Christian starts annoying him by requesting a minute-by-minute update. Sirius gives him one.
    Sirius: Man behind me is snoring. Would it be considered a crime to sellotape his mouth shut?
    Sirius: The scenery needs improvement. You should ask Jack Frost to paint the clouds as well as the leaves this autumn.
  • The Running Gag of people meeting Leslie and not believing their eyes.
    Dandelion: Tell me, someone, did your adventures today involve a multi-armed shadow?
    Dani: How'd you know?
    Dandelion: It's sitting on the windowsill. And it's waving at me.

    Hazel: What. The. Hell?

    Lucius: What. Is. That?
  • When the doctor finds Lucius hiding under the bed, he comes up with a... creative explanation.
    Lucius: The boogeyman invited me to tea.
  • The entire scene where Vlad goes to see Victor (yes, that one) is full of funny moments.
    • He starts by describing how Victor's house hasn't changed since 1819.
    Vlad wasn't entirely sure how Victor kept his house the same for so long. He wished he'd tell him the secret, though; maybe then he wouldn't have to renovate or just plain rebuild the castle every other century.
    • This is promptly followed by Adam hugging Vlad. Yes, really!
    Vlad would deny till the day he died (if that ever came) that he screamed. Or, if he admitted it, he'd deny how loudly he screamed.
    Vlad: Put me down!
    Wrong thing to say. Adam Frankenstein might not be the shambling, inarticulate zombie-like creature that humans liked to think of him as, but some things went right over his head. Some things, like not going overboard in doing what someone told him. And that was how Vlad went from dangling helplessly in mid-air to lying on the floor.
    • And then, when Victor shows up:
    Victor: Why didn't you appear a few decades ago? You'd have saved us the expense of the funeral your cousin insisted on, even though no one believed you were really dead.
  • "Psychopaths are going up in the world these days."
  • Leslie's exploration of Grievous's base swings between hilarious and Nightmare Fuel.

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