Fanfic: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen
Because when it comes to badfic, there's not much that can outshine the mancarrot.
Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation Of Edward Cullen — note the spelling mistakes in the title — is a Twilight fanfic written by one 'BeckyMac666', who is widely believed to be Tara in disguise. It's the story of Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, commonly called "Tiana" or "Tiaa", who moves to Forks, Washington, to live with her new foster parents. Tiana is antisocial and psychologically damaged due to a traumatic childhood, which doesn't help when added to her beauty and her first day of school, when she meets Edward "Ewdard" Cullen, who believes she is a vampire. It just goes downhill from there.The story can be found here.And a dramatic reading of the first chapter can be found here.Compare and contrast Twila The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre, a spiritual predecessor of sorts.Now has a drinking game.
Tropes used in this fanfiction:
Abusive Parents: Okay, so Dave and Marie aren't actually abusive, but if they didn't figure out that something was wrong with Tiana after every time she runs off and cries, they should never be allowed to take care of a child again.
Dave finds Tiana in her closet crying and "smokin drugs" (he thinks the cigarette of pot is a chapstick). When she says that she wants to die, we get this gem:
"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!" he said laughing a lot.
When Tiana hurls an ashtray at his head using her telekinesis, he doesn't even comment. And neither him nor Marie seem to have a problem with their foster daughter (who is sixteen, by the way) dressing like a dominatrix and staying out all night.
Author Avatar: As one reviewer said, "Did you honestly think no one would notice that her middle name is your first name spelt differently?", and Tiana's three friends are clearly the author's friends.
Body Horror: Edward's penis has been described as a 'mancarrot' and a 'throbbing lavender man-fruit thing'. He still fares better than Jacob; Jacob's is charmingly described as looking like a "horrible wet mushroom." Also, the tendency of the author to describe people as "mussely."
"there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness." (Ah, but were they the black feathers of a black raven in the black darkness?)
" I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there. I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed."
Dirty Old Man: Dave and Tiana have a brief exchange in Chapter 8 where he mentions her cleavage as casually as any dad would remark about the weather. And then there's Uncle Larry, of course. And Tiana, for absolutely no reason, neglects to tell anyone that he raped her.
Dissimile: Again, "Jasper Cullen was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry." Also, Jacob's drool was "sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like".
IKEA Erotica: Every sex scene. And the spanking...dear God, the spanking!
Immune to Drugs: Tiaa claims it's okay for her to drive after drinking and doing drugs because she's a vampire, so her reflexes are better than a human's. The drugs don't really seem to have any effect on her anyway, though.
In Name Only: Well, it's a mite closer to Twilight than My Immortal was to Harry Potter (mostly because the protagonist's "goffickness" is given somewhat less focus and there's not as much Costume Porn), but that's hardly saying anything.
Most Common Superpower: Tiaa is so skinny she is occasionally mistaken for an anorexic, and yet has huge, heaving E-cup breasts "beasts."
Neologism: "I dunno maybe" I plimpled mutely." Wait. Plimpled?
Nice Hat: Tiana wears "a gothic top hat with feathers on it" in Chapter Seven.
No Ending: Barring the unlikely possibility of a very belated update, the story seems to have abruptly ended on the scene of Edward bursting in just as Jacob is beginning to rub his "horrible wet mushroom" on a kidnapped Tiaa's knee.
Pandaing To The Audience: Horribly subverted by Snoofles, who seems like an adorable fluffy pet at first, but soon engages in a highly disturbing drunken threesome with Gay!Jasper and a random human. Although Tiana deemed the whole thing "cute", it really wasn't.
Purple Prose: It's all the more horrible when combined with the terrible spelling... "I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awsome with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it. but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more. Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad. how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? I was pissed! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe."
Rape as Drama: "I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night"
Rouge Angles of Satin: The author is apparently dyslexic, in addition to the horrible spell check mistakes she makes...
Jasper Cullen informs Tiaa that he is secretly gay and in intense turmoil about it. All it takes is for her to inform him that being gay is "proper normal" for him to suddenly come to terms with it. A paragraph later, he's shagging a panda.
Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: Edward, who throws around 'thy', 'thee', 'thou' and 'art' randomly without having a clue as to what they mean. A poignant example is: "thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""