Fan Fic / Cat Tales

So I've got the trinkets. Brunhilda is still snoring away. Cujo, the killer schnauzer, is still locked in the bathroom. I close the safe, restore the power, slide the window back exactly the way it was – 8 minutes flat. Personal best for a private residence where I didn't have the floorplan going in. I drop down to the alley – and there… he… is…The Batman. Caped Crusader. Dark Knight. Guardian of Gotham. Crime Fighter extraordinaire. I am Vengeance, I am Justice, I am in desperate need of a personality transplant… Batman.

In full regalia – looking like Sir Lancelot dipped in tar but not yet feathered.

And he speaks: "I don't think those jewels belong to you."

I salute you, World's Greatest Detective.

A fascinating collection of fan fictions that center around the original and most widely known Catwoman incarnation, Selina Kyle, and her evolving relationship with Batman, both when masked and not. The series started in 2000. It all begins when Selina, fed up with the Gotham Post's continual smearing of her good name, starts up a stage show at the Hijinx Playhouse, named Cat Tales. Things really take off when Bruce Wayne hears about the show, and decides to go see it, supposedly just to see if it "really is her". Humiliated by her accusations that he is an uptight prig, he decides to prove her wrong. Things snowball from there.

Can be found here or here.

This Web Original displays the following tropes:

  • Action Girl: Catwoman, every female superhero or former superhero.
  • Actually Pretty Funny: This is, word for word, the description Bruce gives to Dick of the second part of Catwoman's show.
  • A God Am I: Ivy is convinced of this, which is why she suffers a Villainous Breakdown after the world decides to prove her wrong.
  • And Now for Someone Completely Different: Polishing Silver is narrated from Alfred's first person POV.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Scarecrow makes the mistake of subtly trying to increase Oswald's paranoia in Napoleon's Plan. When tallying up the costs of all this, Oswald sums up the reasons for Scarecrow's suddenly increased bar tab as the following:
    "Three booths shattered by a freeze ray," ... "Nine Ghost Dragons claiming whiplash injuries from sliding into each other on the resulting ice slick and demanding their bar tabs be zeroed in remuneration. We shall have to close for at least two nights to get all the foliage removed from the ventilation ducts where they fled. And I personally, taking refuge behind the bar from a fear-crazed Ubu on the one side and a fear-crazed penguin on the other, stubbed my toe."
  • Artifact Title: The title was derived from the name of Selina's stage show, which closed two or three stories in.
  • Author Appeal: "Trick Or Treat" shows that Chris Dee knows quite a bit about Sherlock Holmes.
  • Awesomeness by Analysis
  • Bad Boss: Asides from the usual candidates of Joker and Twoface (depending on the coin flip), Ulstarn managed to gain a global reputation in D.E.M.O.N. for making the Gotham City posting a dire punishment. He did this by virtue of his sheer paranoia and irrational logic, and operatives who return from Gotham are described as broken.
  • Bad-Guy Bar: The Iceberg Lounge. Also, they have instant messaging.
    • When the Iceberg gets burned to the ground, Vault quickly becomes the Rogue's new watering hole.
  • Batman Cold Open
  • Batman Gambit: Pretty much a given.
  • Battle Couple: Tim (Robin III) and Cassandra Cain (Batgirl II) after they start dating. Mind you she could probably snap his back over her knee.
  • Berserk Button: Any reference to Bruce being accepted as part of the Rogues' Gallery extended family usually sends him into a roaring case of Psychobat.
  • Beta Couple: Lois and Clark... in Clark's ideal world, Lois would be his wingman on getting the whole Bruce/Selina marriage thing happening. Unfortunately for him, Lois has got good survival instincts and knows not to tempt cat claws...
  • Black Widow: The Penguin picks one up through an ad in the Personals. The Huntress recognizes her though, and warns the rogues. Knowing that if Oswald dies, The Iceberg falls down around their heads, Two-Face and Mad Hatter take matters into their own hands.
  • Cannot Talk to Women: Azrael/Jean Paul, initially. Especially when it comes to Catwoman, mostly because she humiliates him. He improves vastly after "tutelage" from Green Arrow.
  • Cats Are Snarkers: This IS Catwoman we're talking about... Though Whiskers and Nutmeg, her two cats, also count.
  • Chickification:
    • Poison Ivy. In almost every single Post-Crisis depiction of her character, she has a poisonous kiss, is a skilled chemist, and while less common, is able to psionically control all plant life. Here, however, she's pretty much just a gardener with pheromones, a weak control of plants and a massive ego. She needs to take magical steroids in order to pull off any large-scale manipulation of plants.
    • Talia is equally de-badassed. Master of armed and unarmed combat? Nope, can't even get into a non-lethal catfight with Selina without tripping over her own two feet. Genius-level intellect? Nuh-uh, can't even plan out something more complicated than a Missing Steps Plan. Skilled in managerial tasks and has helped keep both the League of Assassins and DEMON in the black for decades? No way, she can't even balance her checkbook and provide for her own welfare without daddy's credit card, let alone anybody else. Secretly undermined Lex-Corp during Luthor's stint as president, leaked Luthor's under-the-table dealings to Superman and blew the whole company out to Wayne Enterprises when the time came to take him down? HAH! She tanked that multi-billion dollar, multinational company all by herself, no motivation necessary! Seeing as how Talia is Selina's main rival for Batman's affections, this is blatantly intentional, especially as Talia ends up falling for an OC.
  • Classy Cat-Burglar: As opposed to that tramp from the Gotham Post.
  • Clingy Jealous Girl: Talia to Batman, hard. Also, Ivy to Harvey/Two-Face, even though she'll never admit she actually wants him.
  • Crossover: With other fanfictions hosted by the same site.
  • Dating Catwoman: Duh.
    • Surprisingly deconstructed. Selina balks heavily at every instance of Batman asserting that it has to be done his way, and Bruce slips into an Ax-Crazy Knight Templar version of himself, dubbed Psychobat by just about everybody, whenever Selina's criminal past comes around and flaunts it's presence in front of him. they considered breaking up once or twice during some of the harsher episodes. they're still absurdly in love with each other, but it's not all rainbows and kittens after they hook up.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Jason Blood. Just... wow. This is his reaction when Poison Ivy tries to green him: “Just because I look at you when you speak, you shouldn’t assume that means I’m listening to you or care about what you say. That’s just something I do to be polite.” Both sides of Two-Face start a fan club for Jason when they hear about this.
    • Also: "In the interests of proceeding before the fabric of space-time erupts into a flame of un-existence, let us say that I’m satisfied with your typically female and feline assurances uncorroborated by any rational explanation whatsoever."
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Clayface getting Poison Ivy a Christmas gift of Potpourri (dead and dried-out flowers meant to smell good) resulted in him blackballed from the Iceberg for years so they didn't have to deal with Ivy freaking out and destroying the bar.
  • Dropped a Bridge on Him: Stephanie Brown is murdered offscreen by a serial killer between two chapters of "Polishing Silver."
  • First-Person Smartass: Selina slips into this.
  • Flanderization: Pretty much any woman Batman has ever been hinted at romantically besides Selina has had their negative personality characteristics played Up to 11 so that they are nothing but annoying self-absorbed harpies or immature, irresponsible idiots; there is little doubt that this is entirely intentional. Character development eventually brings (some, but not all of) them out of this.
  • Functional Magic: Rule Magic; specifically, anything you do gets paid back threefold. Doesn't work out so well for Zatanna when she tried to mind-wipe Batman.
  • Funny Answering Machine: Joker's answering machine message is the same as in Batman: The Animated Series... meaning it's less funny and more disturbing. And Ivy hates it.
    Joker: (laughs) Boy, did you get a wrong number. Leave your message at the sound of the shriek.
    Man's voice: No! Please! Don't! (shrieks)
  • Gay Paree: Selina trained here.
  • Got Me Doing It: At one point, much to his consternation, Batman catches himself following Catwoman's lead in referring to Two-Face and the Riddler as Harvey and Eddie.
  • Green-Eyed Monster: All over the damn place. You can probably count the characters that get any amount of screen time and are never jealous of somebody's romantic entanglements on one hand.
  • Happily Married: Clark and Lois, of course. Bruce and Selina are also this as a practical matter, lack of rings or ceremony notwithstanding. Dick and Barbara as well, after the wedding.
  • Hard Work Hardly Works: Averted. Anybody who uses magic to do what regular hard work would also do gets a blast of Laser-Guided Karma to the face. Batman is quite aware of this, which is one of the reasons that he really hates magic.
  • Heel Realization: After Talia Al Ghul's messy breakup with Greg Brady, she actually realizes how neurotic and obsessed she's gotten about Batman, and actually begins a slow process of shaping up her life so she can get Greg back.
  • Heroic B.S.O.D.: Bruce has a couple.The first is when he (as Bruce Wayne) is visited by Two Face, Riddler, and the Mad Hatter when he starts dating Selina, and is told that he's "part of the family now."
  • Humiliation Conga: Arranged for F. Miller.
  • Hyper-Competent Sidekick: Sly, the bartender at the Iceberg. He's dedicated to keeping the bar up and running, and it's clear that he could take over the Gotham underworld if he put his mind to it (considering that in trying to keep the Iceberg afloat, he's executed an inadvertent coup d'etat over Penguin - twice).
  • I Need a Freaking Drink: The events of Dick and Barbara's wedding finally get Selina doing this. By the time thnigs settle down and Bruce finds her, she's quite tipsy (which basically means she talks a lot more than she usually does).
  • I Need to Go Iron My Dog: At one point, Selina recalls some of the various excuses her fellow Rogues have to leave town during January, which tend to qualify.
    Ivy: "Gotham is so cold in January, I think I'll just pop down to South America and see how many species of orchids grow in the rainforest."
    Killer Croc: "Croc visit swamp now. Good time, no tourists."
    Mad Hatter: "Calloo callay, Hat Expo in Bombay."
    Joker: "I left something on the stove at the HA-HAcienda in Mexico, HAHAHAHAHAAA."
  • Ironic Echo: "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Said first by Selina to Bruce in "Normal", and by Bruce to Selina later in "Catfight".
  • Just Friends: Eddie/The Riddler and Selina/Catwoman. Asking the former if it's really more than friends leads to bouts of She Is Not My Girlfriend, as described below.
  • Legacy Character: Clayface disguises himself as the Monarch of Menace, an old Silver Age villain, to get around the unofficial ban from the Iceberg that Poison Ivy's freak out about a bad Christmas present caused. He later decided he didn't even care and returned as himself.
  • Lethal Chef: Bruce was banned from the kitchen for several years because of being one. It's not until Selina starts explaining cooking to him in scientific terms that he finally gets it, though he eventually gets banned from the kitchen again due to his obsession with examining some of Alfred's dishes at every stage of the cooking process, which Alfred is not amused by.
  • Love Redeems: Catwoman stops stealing a short while after hooking up with Batman, though it's slightly subverted by how she keeps up pretenses in front of other Rouges.
  • Magic A Is Magic A: Zatanna learns the hard way that the universe really doesn't like it when you use White Magic to do undeniably evil things...
  • Magic Versus Science: Given that this is a Superhero series, both have their merits and are given their due, but Batman's dislike of magic is proven valid more than once via Laser-Guided Karma: whatever you do with magic gets returned to you three-fold, generally in the most inconvenient time possible.
  • Monster Clown: J-O-K-E-R.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: Miriam, the owner of the local magic goods shop, has one of these when she realizes that Poison Ivy, the woman she just sold power-enhancing magic rituals to, is the same person that caused the forest trees to attack the Highland Games.
  • Never Recycle Your Schemes: Lampshaded by the Rogues: 'Writer's Block' hits them all from time to time in creating new themed crimes.
  • The Neidermeyer: Ulstarn, Ra's Al Ghul's regional leader in Gotham, is a huge ass-kissing paranoid Jerkass. Even Ra's can't stand him, which is why he sent him halfway across the world.
  • Never Heard That One Before: Greg "Giggles" Brady, a former Joker henchman being hired to bartend at the Iceberg Lounge, admits his real name to his new boss. Penguin finally says it sounds familiar, and is not surprised when Brady replies that "I've heard all the jokes, sir."
  • Noodle Incident:
    • Whatever happened at Superman's bachelor party.
    • In "Riddle Me-Tropolis": How did Riddler get Superman welded into that giant robot at the museum?
  • Not So Different: Batman does not take it well when Superman points out that both he and The Riddler, by Batman's own description, are motivated by injustice: Batman by the fact that crime exists in his city, and Riddler by the fact that the idiots and bullies of the world are the ones who always succeed over genuinely smart people.
  • Omniscient Database: Well, it is the Batcomputer...
  • Parody Sue: Nocturna seems to be Chris Dee's take on this trope. Making her debut by robbing Batman and getting away with it? Check. 'Enthralling' the male half of the Iceberg with heady monologues about the night? Check. Obsession with seducing Batman with a wave of her arm and a monologue, ignoring the fact that the other villainesses, sans Catwoman, have tried and failed dozens of times? Natch. What makes her this instead of a bad Mary Sue is that she has absolutely no respect from the rogues, and is captured, literally, by being duped by the other villainesses into thinking Azrael was the better seduction target, with absolutely no effort expended by the Bat-crew. Her own husband even thinks she's a nutcase and wishes she'd never talked him into the Thief Of The Night/Nocturna gig, instead wanting to tour Gotham like a normal person.
    • Just to add another layer to the whole thing; the villainesses watching Nocturna try to seduce Azrael from a nearby video rental store. In the middle of Nocturna's attempt, Harley finds a bunch of erotic tapes titled, word for word, phrases that Nocturna has been using since her arrival at the Iceburg to make herself sound mysteriously sophisticated.
    • Since Nocturna/Natalia Knight is a canon character, it can also be read as another giant Take That!.
  • Put on a Bus: More than a few characters have been more or less written out over the course of the series: Clayface, Talia, Greg Brady, Etc. Characters subjected to this have been known to reappear again, though, so it's hard to tell if something will stick.
  • Refuge in Audacity: Catwoman doesn't like her press. What does she do? Open up an off-Broadway show where she riffs on her negative publicity.
  • Retcon: Everything about Catwoman ever written by Frank Miller and his spiritual descendants has been eviscerated, through the above concept: it's all published in a skanky newspaper (or a trashy biography) and not 'real'.
  • Silk Hiding Steel: This trope is used by generations of Wayne women to... influence their husbands. This is considered the mark of a true Lady of the Wayne Manor.
  • Servile Snarker: Alfred, as always.
  • She Is Not My Girlfriend: Eddie is horrified when people suggest that he's in love with Selina; not because of the woman herself (he does get rather flustered when that conversation comes up), but because they are Just Friends (and he's terrified Batman will hear about it and break his legs for casting eyes at his woman).
  • Shipper on Deck: Incredibly, Joker is this to Bruce and Selina- but not Batman and Catwoman. Harley attempts to take advantage of this when she and Joker break up by breaking up Selina and Bruce and getting her together with... Batman.
  • Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: Alfred and the neighbor's French chef, Anatole.
  • Spinoff: Fans of the universe have created more than a few side-stories to the main universe. they're all listed here.
  • Slap-Slap-Kiss: Harvey Dent and Poison Ivy.
  • Take That!: "Pussywhipped" makes it abundantly clear that Chris Dee does not like Frank Miller's take on Batman.
    • Canon developments the author doesn't like tend to be portrayed as more tabloid lies. These range from the existence of Nyssa Raatko to Killer Croc's cannibalism to Renee Montoya being a lesbian.
    • A bit of clarification for the final one above: the issue is not with Renee Montoya being a lesbian in the comics so much as the assumption that a female cop HAS to be gay, like a woman couldn't be both a cop and straight.
      • Not to mention that Montoya being a lesbian also came with running her life into the ground and a tendency to drown her sorrows in booze and casual sex, something which is Unfortunate Implications all on its own (the idea that homosexuals are inherently screwed-up people who can't ever be happy).
  • Team Mom: Slowly but surely, Catwoman is becoming this to the Bat Family, after being with Bruce for the last three years in-universe. This is most apparent by how she's mentoring Cassie in relationships with boys and sneaking into buildings.
  • Terrified of Germs: Oswald spends Riddle-Me-Tropolis like this. Scarecrow also inflicts it on a handful of people for one of his schemes (a series of armored car robberies) in Don't Fear the Joker.
  • Tsundere: Harvey Dent and Poison Ivy's relationship has this by the truckload.
  • Urban Legend Love Life: Invoked by Bruce: he can't be the Fop without some sex exploits of him, but he can't let the 'Bimbos' he dates see all the scars he's gotten from fighting crime. Solution? get them drunk, lay them out in the manor, and let them fill in the blanks.
  • Villain Protagonist: A large portion of the stories are primarily written from Catwoman's point of view, not that she acts particularly villainous.
    • Except when committing robberies just to show that she can, providing a location for the worst criminal element to congregate and lay their plans, or convincing Batman to funnel more crime into the poorest part of town while rationalizing that it's not like she has anything against orphans or anything.
  • Villainous Harlequin: Guess who, puddin'?
  • "Well Done, Son!" Guy: Dick, until he gets over it.