Badass Boast / Web Original

"I am Chuck Fucking Norris. I've spread more blood and gore than forty score of your puny civil wars, bitch!"

  • We are introduced to the main character of the online Irish comedy series I Am Fighter like so:
    Barry: My name is Barry "The Blender" Henderson. Now, they call me "The Blender", because if you get within reach of me, I'm gonna turn you into a paste.
    • Naturally, it turns out that he's a woefully inept amateur Martial Artist.
    • Thomas "The Tanker" Smythe tells us that his nickname comes from the fact that he'd walk around thinking people were shouting "The Blender! The Blender" when in fact, they were shouting "You bender! You bender!". Which, as he helpfully informs us, is "A derogatory term for 'faggot' ".
  • The Crinoverse has a lot of these, but one comes from the end of the Chicago Avengers when Indomitable faces a fallen Chosen One, Mandragora. "My name is James Bennet. I am Indomitable. Know that I face you without malice or hatred, but I will defeat you all the same."
  • Ilivais X is FULL of these, most coming from Seyne and Mille, the latter prone to these nearly every day.
    “IRIANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HEAR MY CRIES! HEAR MY SOUL! YOUR AGONY IS OVER, YOUR SUFFERING IS OVER! I STAND RIGHT HERE BEFORE YOU, NOT HIDING IN THE STEEL FLESH YOU GAVE ME, NOT ANYTHING BUT MYSELF! AND I SWEAR, I WILL SAVE YOU JUST LIKE THIS IF I HAVE TO! I WILL NEVER DIE, NOT UNTIL YOU STAND BY MY SIDE! YOUR DAYS OF HATE AND REGRET AND SADNESS HAVE CONCLUDED! WHEN THE SUN RETURNS TO OUR SKY, OUR NEW LIFE BEGINS, OUR AGONY WILL BE ERASED, AND THE WORLD WILL BE OURS! ...So please...wait for me..."
  • In Survival of the Fittest v1, ,by Danya in Antonio Franchini's profile conclusions.
    Danya: Let's get one thing straight. The mafia, the US Government, even MADD - none of those organizations can scare me, and none can even touch me. The mafia wants to have a go at me, they can go ahead, but they'll have to find me first.
  • Lord Vyce from Atop the Fourth Wall has his catchphrase: "All that I see, I conquer!"
    • And of course, Linkara's from Silent Hill Dead Alive 5:
    Linkara: See, I'm not some pretty boy with marital problems. I don't have some confused psyche or unresolved parent issues. You're not dealing with a Silent Hill protagonist here. Time and again, someone got it into their head they could defeat me. Time and again, they beat me down, knocked me out and tried to make me give up. You come at me with insecurity, self doubt and angst? You try to make me doubt who I am? I am the man who defeated Pyramid Head. I am the man who conquered Countdown. I am the man who fought off the Vorsoth and destroyed Mechakara. I am the liberator of Kickassia. I am a Star Fleet captain. I am a Power Ranger. I'm That Guy with the Hat. I am Linkara. (Illusions fade) Who the hell are you?
  • Marriland from Serebii vs. Marriland:
    "When I was a young child, everybody ignored me because I was smarter than all of them. When they were praticising their abc's, I was writing exquisite essays of epic proportions. When they were learning how to multiply by ten, I was learning to divide by zero. My skills have always surpassed my opponents but you, Serebii, are the exception and you must be taken out at any and all costs."
  • Recoome from Dragon Ball Z Abridged has this to say in Episode 20.
    Recoome: Hit... Recoome's music! Vegeta! You think that just because you're the Prince of all Saiyans, you're the best there is at what you do, but let Recoome tell ya somethin', brother, you ain't no Wolverine, and you ain't got what it takes to step up to a FIVE-TIME CHAMPION! You see, Vegeta, you sit there and brag about how the Saiyans are the mightiest warriors in all the universe! How they're the most ruthless! Well, look where they are now... DEAD! You talk about your legends, and your warrior race, and your pride, but that doesn't mean a damn thing to this man! BECAUSE THE NAME'S, RECOOME! AND IT RHYMES, WITH DOOM! AND YOU'RE GONNA BE HURTIN', ALL! TOO! SOOOOON!
    • Apparently, Freeza has heard (nearly) every Badass Boast known to man - he even keeps track of how often he hears them (which is something of a Badass Boast in it's own right)! This changes when Goku tells him "I'mma deck you in the schnozz!"
    • When Vegeta mistakenly believes he has become a Super Saiyan and incessantly brags about it, Freeza has this response:
      Freeza: Okay, seriously, first off... Super Saiyan. What is that, what even is that? I'll tell you what it is. It's just some stupid legend passed by your filthy monkey ancestors around a campfire like it was their own dung. Let me tell you Vegeta, I don't deal in legends... I deal in facts. And here's a fact; by the end of this, you are going to be crying... like a little bitch.
      • It has become a Running Gag to have Vegeta do a boasting speech while the other characters either roll their eyes or get too distracted to follow.
    • Soon after, when Goku actually becomes a Super Saiyan, he gives one in his own Cloudcuckoolander way:
      Freeza: You... You're different. What happened? What the hell are you?
      Goku: Can't you tell, Freezer? It's just like Vegeta said.
      Freeza: No you f***ng don't...!
      Goku: I am the hope of the Omniverse. I am the lightbulb in the darkness. I am the bacon in the fridge for all living things who cry out in hunger! I am the Alpha and the Amiga! I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am Son Goku! And I am a Super—! (Freeza shoots him in the head, Goku leans his head back, unaffected) ...Saiyan.
    • Played with when Future Trunks moves in to fight Perfect Cell.
      Krillin: You sure you won't need [the Senzu Bean]?
      Trunks: No. This battle was over before it began.
      Krillin: Bad. Ass.
      Cell: Also accurate!
  • Team Four Star's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged 2 gives Walter a better speech than perhaps what he got in the series when he proves his badassery:
    Walter: Hello. My name is Walter C. Dorneaz, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
  • In Bleach Ment, Ichigo delivers this... particularly bizarre one:
    Ichigo: "I am the orange in your Fruits Basket, the Punk in you electronic amusement gallery, the ass that has bad written all over it. Ichigo Jason Statham Kurosaki!
  • In Unregistered, it's common to see Lance engage in this behaviour.
    "Oh, you and what army?" the one with the shoemarked face replied.
    "I'm a motherfuckin' one man army."
  • In Dead West, this is done by Gervas Klarenfeld with two calm sentences. He just met his best friend's overbearing Four-Star Badass Knight Templar Big Brother, and there is a fight approaching. As the Porcelain Doctor is a medic, he cannot fight without an explicit attack first, so our narrator quickly promises to fight instead of him. Cedric, the older MacArkill starts to make threats for what might happen to our beloved Prussian if his little brother suffers even a minor scratch, but Gervas calmly interrupts him.
    "I am sorry, your Grace, but the enemy seems to be approaching fast. We will discuss your pastimes including the deceased later."
    • Cue to a smirk and Cedric stating that he rather likes this dog, and Gervas don't even have to sleep in the kennel if he survives this.
  • The Global Guardians PBEM Universe. A Tarot Sword shoots Stone in the back of the head with a point blank .357 Magnum. After the bullet ricochets into the ceiling, Stone's response is to turn around... slowly... and growl, "If you ever... ever shoot me with that pistol again, and I ever hear about it, I'm going to rip your eye out of its socket and skullfuck you!"
  • In Samurai Senshi, Orochi delivers a nice one to the Mizusan: "You know not to whom you speak. I shall tell you. I am Orochi, the Kikuchin-Ryu. I am the viper that wields the deadliest rokushakubo known to man: Himehabu. Come, Mizusan, and discover how venomous my bite can be!"
  • When asked to provide his title before entering the arena, Torq of Critical Hit: A Major Spoilers Dungeons & Dragons Podcast launches into a long list of his accomplishments, picking up in volume and intensity as he goes.
  • In the Retsupurae Cornshaq, baby, please..., the LPer mentions that "If I'm not gonna die, why waste my time?" while blazing through Super Mario Bros. 2. Slowbeef finds it hilarious and runs with it.
    slowbeef: "[laughter] YO, THIS SHIT, THIS KICKS LP HOT, SON! I AIN'T GONNA DIE, 'CAUSE IT'S A WASTE OF MY TIME! LUIGI, YO!"
  • Essentially the purpose of Epic Rap Battles of History. When they aren't knocking down the competition, the rappers are bragging about how great they are.
  • In a Mortal instruments RP forum run by Shadow Angel Demon, Osiris attempts to kill Umbra repeatedly. His actions are justified since Umbra is the only good demon to exist and the rest of his kind has an extremely bad reputation for commiting heinous deeds that even the foulest of humans wouldn't do. When Osiris is joined by Iliana, this exchange ensues.
    Illiana lunged towards the Greater Demon, ignoring Orisis' claim that he had it. She threw a couple of her Runed chakras at the Greater Demon, before looking back at Ethan to make sure he was alright, because after all, he was her first priority.
    Umbra looked down in mild surprise at the chakras embedded in his chest. He ripped the blazing weapons out and raised an eyebrow at Illiana. "Do not do that again."
    Illiana smirked dispite herself; she never listened to anyone. "Whatta you gonna do about it if I do?" she twirled the chakras between her fingers, itching to throw them at him again, but this time, with more force.
    Just then Osiris hurled his sword at Umbra, who slid into a deep backbend, making the blade miss him completely. Osiris lunged again with the other sword, and Umbra grabbed his wrist, smoothly disarming the warlock. He elbowed him in the gut, then flipped Osiris onto his back on the ground.
    He looked at Iliana. "That."
    Illiana looked unfazed. "I'm not Osiris." She laughed and ran towards Umbra, blade drawn and runes shining, giving her angel blood an intricate light that shone through her skin, one that normal Shadowhunters don't have, Shadowhunters that didn't tamper with ancient runes.
    "Honestly. Does an enemy with thousands of years of combat experience mean nothing to you?" Umbra raised a hand at the three of them, and black and purple air forcefully shot from his palm, with enough force to knock Ethan and Osiris off their feet.
    • This continues for a few more minutes until Umbra loses patience and tosses Osiris through a wall, and then the two of them stop attacking him. He goes on to explain the real threat.
  • Nigh Invulnerable Oblivion also has a pretty nice one to the equally Nigh Invulnerable Puriel in the aforementioned Shadowhunter Peril.
  • From Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal, as made famous by DeliciousCinnamon.
    Chedr: I AM VERY DISGUSTED WITH THE TRASHY MAN. IN SPITE OF THE MONSTER, AND THE COACH, ONLY TRASHY, I WILL BEAT DOWN THEM ALL. FOR THIS I MUST STRENGTHEN MYSELF. THE MONSTER IS THE SAME TOO, COLLECT ALL THE TRASHY, RIGHTEOUS FELLOW ALL ARE UNPARDONABLE. YOU DON'T AFFECT ME. THE TRASHY STROLLING IS AN EYESORE!
  • In Worm, Alexandria has an excellent one at the beginning of Cell 22.4 and spends the entire first half of the chapter proving it.
    Alexandria: Threats is the wrong word. But English is a limited language in some ways. There’s really no word to articulate what I mean. A threat with a measure of inevitability to it. A promise? Too feeble. People break promises too often. A curse? A malediction? Too… magical. An oath? The connotations are wrong. When I say I’ll do something, I make it happen.
  • Cr1TiKaL, while playing Earth Defense Force 2025 lets out the boast "You may have rendered telephones useless, but I can still call your ant queen a bitch!"
  • Though she doesn't do it in the series itself, Yang's theme song ("I Burn") in RWBY is nothing but a three-minute long badass boast.
    Reign supreme? In your dreams! You'll never make me bow!
    Kick my ass? I'm world-class! And Super Saiyan now!
    • Weiss has a rather good off-hand one.
    I'm. Not. Perfect... Not yet.
    • Professor Port... tries.
    Port: Monsters! Deeee-mons! Prowlers of the night! Yes, the Creatures of Grimm have many names. But I merely refer to them as 'prey'! Ha-haaa!
    • "Caffeine", presumably Team CFVY's theme song, is a good one too.
    A certified monster I'm an absolute trip,
    Like Otis Redding hard to handle so you better get a grip,
    A super-fast superfly bonafide wise guy,
    Call the morgue and say goodbye write your will it's time to die.
    • In "Heroes and Monsters", Adam Taurus vows to deliver onto mankind the justice it so greatly deserves, and also vows to destroy everything Blake loves. And he starts with Yang.
  • MLP Analysis: Saberspark gives one for the entire Brony community:
    "We have been baptized by fire! In the pits of 4Chan!! If we can make it there, we can make it anywhere.
    Bronycurious: The HELL!? Don't do THAT, there's no coming back from THAT!!!
    AnthonyC: Well, then I guess we'll dance together, forever. In pony HEEELLLLLL!!!!!
  • As a parody of Internet Tough Guys, the Navy Seal Copypasta is based around this.
    "I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands."
  • Welcome to Night Vale features this quite memorable turnaround of the StrexCorp mantra which urges listeners to look around and within and go to sleep, and to believe in a smiling god:
    "We do not look around.
    We do not look inside.
    We do not sleep.
    Our god is not a smiling god,
    and we are ready for this war."
  • Just before things get properly serious in Death Battle's Goku vs Superman video, we get this awesome line:
    Goku: The game's not so fun when you're losing, is it?
    Superman: Game?! You think this is a game?! I haven't even begun to play!
    • Goku later does one, but Superman is unimpressed.
    Goku: It's over Superman. Nobody is stronger than Super Saiyan 4, my ultimate form!
    Superman: Ultimate form? Huh, about time you ran out of hairstyles.
    • Wolverine does one during his fight with Raiden, who inquires about his extreme durability.
    Raiden: Are you some kind of cyborg?
    Wolverine: Well, my bones are covered in the strongest metal around. Does that count?
  • Zhirinovsky's Russian Empire: Bob Kerrey gives one to Zhirinovsky when he declares he will not cede Kosovo to the UIS, even at the risk of nuclear war.
    Bob Kerrey: "If the UIS attempts to launch any nuclear weapons at American cities or military instillations in Western Europe, this nation is prepared to respond in kind with extreme force. President Zhirinovsky has forced the American people to choose between justice and indifference. Mr. Zhirinovsky, on behalf of the United States of America, I would like to give you the following message: 'We made our choice...we choose justice.'"
  • Noriko Null in Beyond the Impossible, about her superhero team:
    "A word of advice. Between them, the people you’re facing can summon an army of ten thousand fighters, cut through matter with a thought, shoot laser beams at the speed of light and unleash destruction faster and more devastatingly than you can imagine. We are the Vanguard. We killed a goddess once. You do not want to pick up a fight with us."
  • The Thrilling Adventure Hour:
    • In the final "Beyond Belief" segment, "It's a Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad World", Nightmares the Clown thinks he has the Doyles on the ropes, forcing upon them their two greatest fears, sobriety and being separated from one another by an eternal wall and preparing to sic bloodthirsty monsters and enchanted animals on them. The result is a Badass Boast that makes the monsters back down and causes fear-eating Nightmares to realize that he's scared of Frank and Sadie Doyle.
      Frank: You see, one of the things I love about Sadie is who she has made me. Who I am in her company. Without her and thanks to you, actually, Nightmares, I was quite the monster hunter.
      Sadie: Dashing and dangerous.
      Frank: Yes. Sadie met me on my last day as the boogeyman to boogeymen. I saw her and put in my papers. So if you think taking Sadie away from me and throwing a monsters my way will scare me, I'll let you in on this: It is a thing I cherish and appreciate that I will get to show these monsters and animals how little I care for them when Sadie's not around. Relive the good old days until Sadie and I reunite. Am I scared? No! I am excited! To see if I still got it! And guess what? I still got it! I'll take the skeleton first and use his bones to take the rest of you. That's my plan but I'll play it by ear. We all have bones as the skeleton pointed out, so we'll see whose I use!
      Sadie: Oh, Frank, be gentle.
      Frank: Only when by your side once more, my darling. And Nightmares, monsters, if you care to meet the only person I've ever met who leaves me in the dust in terms of merciless cruelty and toughness, you've already met her. You've put in danger the thing she loves above all else
      Sadie: You!
      Frank: Me!
    • Phillip Fathom, the Deep Sea Detective, has a boast parodying Batman's "I am vengeance, I am the night" speech as part of his introduction:
      "I am the subaquatic darkness! I am the abyssopelagic layer! I exert the pressure of justice on the metazoan creatures who lurk in the deep! I am the hero the ocean deserves! I am your semiamphibious knight! I am... Phillip Fathom, the Deep Sea Detective!"

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/BadassBoast/WebOriginal