Also titled "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The 7 Secrets Of Awakening The Highly Effective Four-hour Giant, Today", released in 2015. A Stylistic Suck book written by Mac, Charlie (translated by others), Dennis, Dee and Frank, who are convinced their advice will net them loads of money, but get way too distracted and bored with actually writing anything.
- Abusive Parents: Frank calls the twins ungrateful for him helping their bar, at best clumsily explains that he doesn't want to fuck either of them just exploit them, steals from them, blames Dennis for having a "male escort business", and complains that Dee isn't hot enough. The book also gives him bordering on Parental Incest with his mom, and a father who was physically and emotionally abusive.
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: The whole Gang gets quickly bored to tears with the whole writing thing.
- Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: Dee looked after Dennis when they were kids, even when he was mean along the rest of the family, and Dennis assumes he's in heaven because Dee looks happy, and crawls back into the dark when she's not (because she's poisoned him and he has the audacity to enjoy it).
- Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Dennis's hype playlist is the usual 80s pop he loves, but also includes "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.
- Celebrity Paradox: Mac mentions Twins, as that "weird short guy who played Arnold's brother".
- The Dog Bites Back: Dee poisons the guys in response to them making up an editor who she assumes is in love with her.
- Gold Digger: Dee's main requirement for a man is that he's rich.
- Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: Mac is still at the stage of the show where he's in total denial, and has a chapter on how he's so straight.
- Hypocritical Humor: Dee calls the DENNIS system gross and sociopathic, but only because it doesn't involve money (that she uses to pay her rent). Her SINNED System - not that SINNED system, but pretty close - follows:S—“Size Him Up” (His Wallet, Not His Dick). You can do this a number of ways. One of my favorites is pretending to nuzzle his cheek while he’s using the ATM, then “accidentally” hitting the “Check Balance” button. If you have a few days, do a little Internet search on him to get some personal info and order a free credit check. Or hire hackers to break into his bank account. If you get that far, you can just have them transfer out some cash, and you don’t even need to go on the date. Alternately, if you find he’s a broke loser you don’t have to go on the date either. Does your system have early outs, Dennis? Thought not.I—“Isolate.” You do not want other gold-digging bitches dipping their pans in your river. Once you’ve established he’s solvent and you go on that first date, tie up all of his free time. If you catch him looking at anyone else, fake a sprained ankle. Sometimes you’ll need to go so far as to actually sprain your ankle. Basically the idea here is to tie him up completely for a couple weeks without having sex with him. You’re going to need to be a little creative here, but a combination of injuries and “lady problems” usually does the trick for me.N—“Now Bang Him.” This is pretty straightforward. At the two-week mark you can finally give in and bang him. This needs to be a spectacular one. Best bang of this guy’s life. Really go hog wild and give him a show. Blast Bad Company and get gritty, because this bozo’s going to be paying for it for a while.N—“Neutralize Sexual Advances.” You’ve given him a taste of the candy; now it’s time to leave him begging for more. That means it’s back to the mystery ailments and yeast infections, but this time, you need to recuperate at his place. They’re painting/fumigating/delousing yours, remember? Play up the pitiful angle and wait for him to trust you enough to leave you alone in his apartment while he’s at work. Sucker.E—“Empty All Accounts.” While you’re “sleeping off the flu” at his place, you’ll actually be scouring his apartment for online passwords and ATM codes. If you run into any snags, go ahead and use roofie hypnosis on him.D—“Dee Wins!” Because I get all the sucker’s money, and I get out. And I’m happy and well-adjusted and all you turkeys like Dennis can suck it because I know the key to true and lasting happiness with a man. The key is his checking account. Have fun with your vapid and unfulfilling banging strategy, Dennis. Give me a call when you can afford your own apartment.
- Incest Subtext: Dennis does his usual Suspiciously Specific Denial of how repulsive his sister is, gets off on being mean to her, but only wants a heaven where she's happy, while Dee is fixated on her brother's boner and sex life, has fantasies about smothering him to death with a dick, but doesn't actually want him dead.
- Pet the Dog: The Gang do actually remember their dead friends, and dedicate the book to Jamie and Dooley.
- Political Correctness Is Evil: Mac goes on about the PC Police censoring what he has to say, and then goes to accuse the reader of being prejudiced against prejudice.
- Rape as Backstory: Frank was far too close with his mother and has no clue what's wrong with the night man, Charlie was creeped on by his scoutmaster, Dee had Sexual Extortion from her teacher, and Dennis takes a time where Frank is jacking off to say he still loves him despite what happened when he was a kid.
- Serial Rapist: Both Dennis and Dee brag about owning roofies and sexually extorting people.
- Small Name, Big Ego: Mac and Dennis and Dee especially all think they're Gods with wisdom to impart.
- Stylistic Suck: It's a terrible book on purpose, and the company who had to publish it in-universe is threatening to sue the Gang.
- Surprise Incest: When Dennis has been poisoned by Dee (he deserved it) and hallucinates that he's in heaven, he tells Frank with a dopey grin that he loves him despite what he did to Dennis as a kid. But he does it while Frank is actually jerking off under a sheet over a "hot broad", and Frank thinks Dennis is just being a freak as usual.
