Follow TV Tropes


Funny / The Parselmouth of Gryffindor

Go To

  • Hermione questions why Ollivander uses all the tape measures when "the wand chooses the wizard". Once they're alone, he admits that while he does have a way to narrow things down as to what wand would match a wizard or witch, he just uses the tape measures to put on a bit of decorum, in part because he likes to monologue.
  • Hermione poking the Golden Griffin guarding Dumbledore's office into retiring from its position.
  • Advertisement:
  • Hermione has a few doubts about Sirius's choice of decorations for his new "home".
    Hermione: Well, it's nice as far as interiors go, yes, but how are you going to handle things if students challenging the Corridor actually come by? Trespassers! Come sit by the fire! Have a cuppa!
  • Hermione tricking Snape into giving thousands of points to Gryffindor while taking even more from Slytherin, and then making him drink a sleeping potion so he cannot revert his decision while Dumbledore approves Hermione's petition to restrict how many points a professor can take or give per month.
  • Hermione gets a Time Turner, and is sworn to secrecy about it.
    ...Hermione was off to honor her promise of secrecy by telling absolutely everyone about this.
    • Later echoed echoed in Chapter 22:
    “A Time-Turner, yes,” Hermione replied pleasantly, “but you mustn’t tell anyone. It is supposed to be a secret.”
    “What is?” yelled Moody over the distance between them.
    “That I have a Time-Turner!” she shouted back.
    “Oh! I see!” answered Moody.
  • Hermione at one point wonders where all the teapots come from that they transfigure into tortoises.
    Perhaps Professor McGonnagall transfigured them from rabbits, that was a fourth year spell, but then where did they get the rabbits? Did they breed them? But that would mean that Hogwarts technically bred teapots.
  • Advertisement:
  • Hermione curiously asks if Rita Skeeter's quill is sentient, triggering a series of events that causes it to revolt against Rita.
  • "Dumbledore was the only person Hermione knew who could simultaneously say something calmly and yell it."
  • Cornelius Fudge, Dolores Umbridge and Barty Crouch Sr. come to Hogwarts and meet Hermione talking to the Sorting Hat. Minutes later, Crouch has arrested the Sorting Hat, and Hermione is dueling Umbridge.
  • Hermione reveals she's worked out about the Horcruxes.
    Dumbledore: Hermione, I would be fascinated to hear about your obviously very simple answer to the problem that has kept me up at night for decades... but before I do, I would very much like to finish my cocoa.
  • Chapter 33 is done in letters form, beginning with Hermione chiding Lucius Malfoy for trying to manipulate Fudge, revealing that the incident with Albania was that its Minister has a name that sounds like something "awful" in Gobbledegook and that it led to Fudge getting his head transfigured, continues with Malfoy groveling to Hermione after she reveals Voldemort was done for, Luna sending letters to Hermione even though they see each other every day (which then derives into Luna thinking Hermione is part of the Rotfang Conspiracy) and assorted magical lunacies.
  • Dumbledore brings Hermione with him to investigate the disappearance of Igor Karkaroff from Durmstrang. Unfortunately, he choses to Portkey there five minutes before the local Aurors come to do the same. And he did not ask for permission.
    Hermione: Merlin. With Dumbledores like this, who needs Cornelius?
    • Then, just to show how Crazy Is Cool he is, when the Aurors enter, he begins by befuddling them speaking in different languages and then going full Refuge in Audacity by telling them that, if there's a trial, he will win, and then the arrest won't look so good in his resume.
  • Hermione comes up with a plan to cut off Snape's link to Voldemort via the Dark Mark. Unfortunately, the cut-off part is quite literal.
    Snape: NO! No. Definitely not!
    Hermione: It's only a forearm, Professor Snape.
    (Gilligan Cut)
    Dumbledore: Hermione... do you realize what you have done here?
    • Hermione calls Dumbledore out on the fact that, after everything she has done, suddenly preventing Snape from being killed by cutting his forearm off and fully planning the man's recovery is where Dumbledore draws the line. Dumbledore notes the irony of punishing her for her own good.
    • Hermione then breaks down. Because Dumbledore punished her. To write lines.
    • And, to complete the lunacy, she sends a letter to Lucius Malfoy to cut off his arm, and sends a complimentary Elixir of Life to regrow the arm.
  • For the summer between Harry's third and fourth year, Petunia thinks she has finally won in her personal battle with Harry by forcing him to do all the housework after Vernon trapped Harry's snake. Then in comes Hermione and promptly turns everything on her head and telling her that either she stops forcing Harry to do the housework or she makes everybody think they saw her dancing with green makeup in her underwear. And it turns out she has been using her Time Turner to have a similar conversation with Vernon and Dudley - at the same time.
  • During a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, Sirius reveals he is actually alive. Snape promptly runs for the hills - or for the closest way out, an arrow window he has no chance at getting through. Sirius feeds him a mix of Calming Draught, Cheering Solution and Dreamless Sleep with a dash of Veritaserum. Snape is left completely unable to move while resisting the urge to whistle and smile.
  • Dumbledore's reasoning for allowing Harry and Hermione into the Order are that Harry's more involved in the war against Voldemort than nearly anyone… and that if he tried to bar Hermione, she'd find a way into the meetings anyway, even if he put the meeting location under a Fidelius Charm.
  • In order to help Sirius go unnoticed, Moody provides him with what he claims is a foolproof disguise (which he keeps in a strongbox in a trunk that opens with a key he keeps in his boot and three different passwords he ensures no one can hear and which has been previously transfigured from a wig): a fake beard and glasses. Which he made himself.
    • Sirius rolls with it, and after putting them, begins to call himself Jester White. To Snape's despair, everybody gets in on the joke. Even the narration, which stubbornly refers to Sirius as "Jester" ever after.
  • Why is Grindelwald not the most evil DADA teacher Hogwarts ever had? Because in the past they had Dracula. For once, Hermione is dumbfounded.
  • It turns out that bribing officials is not actually a crime in Wizarding Britain.
  • After retrieving the Resurrection Stone, Snape and Dumbledore start arguing over who has the more Dark and Troubled Past to see which of them gets to use it first.
  • When Hermione is Naked on Revival, she declines to get dressed as the Modesty Charm is quite comfortable. Snape tries to out Rules Lawyer her on whether she can be naked on the weekend, with Dumbledore getting in the act, all three citing parts of the other's wardrobe that's not allowed.
    • Her skin has also turned a shade of purple because she used an Acromantula's blood as her "enemy's blood".
  • Hermione goes to Gringotts to retrieve Hufflepuff's Cup, and in the process discovers that, while vaults' doors are impervious to pretty much anything, the same cannot be said of vaults' walls. She is then taken before people of increasing level within Gringotts, successfully (and by accident) rendering each level frothing, until she reaches the King.
    • When the King realizes he's dealing with the Hermione Granger and that she's purple, he asks what species she actually hails from. She declares herself a violin.
  • Hermione's letter to the Basilisk ends with this.
    P.S.: I'm renting the Chamber of Secrets to a bunch of Dementors until either you come back, or I manage to kick an all-powerful fire elemental off their island... whichever comes first. I hope you don't mind.
  • For a number of reasons, Percy Weasley ends up becoming the Acting Minister for Magic. His first action: a decree to regulate the thickness of cauldron bottoms.
    • Unfortunately, he doesn't stop there: apparently, it's such a pet issue of his (according to Molly, he had an accident with a collapsible cauldron at age 5) that he eventually recruits a thousand cauldron thickness inspectors, and sends Umbridge to Hogwarts as Cauldron Thickness Professor.
      • Turns out that there's an association called the "Shadow Republic of the Hopping Pots" - an organization that acts as the government of the sentient cauldrons in the British Isles.
    • Hermione decides to seek the help of Voldemort-in-the-Sorting-Hat and asks him how to put a curse on Umbridge's new position. Hermione tells herself that the Sorting Hat's grin is all his Voldemort and Slytherin parts bleeding through.
      • However, Hermione nearly decides to not curse the position for one thing: the weekly Snark-to-Snark Combat between Snape and Umbridge that happens every time she appears in Potions class.
  • Hermoine breaking the news about Percy becoming Minister to Fred and George. First their horrified, then they laugh and compliment her on the joke until she reveals that the joke is that Percy really is the Minister of Magic, making them go back to horrified.
  • When Dirk Cresswell is suggested as a possible candidate for Minister of Magic the Goblin King says that he's so easy to fool and manipulate that in Goblin circles the word Cresswell has become synomynous with gullible.
  • The Vanishing Cabinet takes Hermione and Grindelwald to the Malfoys' house, where Narcissa calls Hermione a mudblood while Grindelwald is right there.
    Hermione: Remember who is standing next to me, and tell me that again.
    [...] Narcissa Malfoy looked like she had just swallowed something that was much too spicy, and was, also, an angry porcupine.