- The First Date
Matt: I think the wedding's off.
- Chad, Colleen's fiance, still thinking that they're engaged.
Chad: Not to us. *gestures to his dog* Not to Princess and I.
- When Colleen gives Matt a beer, Chad immediately starts acting tough. It startles Matt into spitting the beer back into the bottle.
- The Delivery
Doctor: Which reminds me. Until I see you do not, no matter what, for any reason, ever look down there.
- The hilarious aversion of Clean, Pretty Childbirth, with Jen pooping on the table and her horrified reaction when the nurse tells her it gets worse.
- The Doctor explaining that Jen's "tunnel is still under construction".
- Greg and Jen weeping over how happy they are, and then becoming horrified that the hospital allowed them to leave so soon. And Jen screaming at Greg to drive slower as he inches out of the parking lot.
- Jen demanding that Greg use the ice-filled latex glove on her.note For one horrible moment he is about to put it in the wrong place ("Okay, north!") but then he gets it right:Jen: ...Yeah.Greg: Yeah?Jen: [closing her eyes blissfully] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mommy likes that.
- The College Tour
- Tim telling Tyler how he accidentally lost his virginity to a couch.Tim: It only occurred to me when I looked down and saw a lint ball and a nickel stuck to the end of my penis.Tyler: I can't believe you're a doctor.note
- Tim telling Tyler how he accidentally lost his virginity to a couch.
- The Funeral
Joan: Your father would be proud of you. Oh there he is now!
- After the whole thing is set up to be an actual funeral...
Joan: Hurry before there's a dead body in this casket!
- John forgetting Jen's name. Twice.
- Joan tries to snuggle with John in the coffin, but he gets stuck in there on his own.
1x02 "Interruptus Date Breast Movin'"
- Joan insisting that Matt talk to a therapist about what he saw. Joan is that therapist. And soon she involves the entire family in the situation.
- The honesty game that the group plays, pairing up with one another and telling the truth.
- Joan asks John to be more "in the moment", so he reads off the side of the donut box.
- Tim tells Jen he's always been intimidated by her strength, and she immediately leaves. He spends the rest of the sequence trying to join other pairings.
- Tyler tells Samantha to start wearing deodorant. She tells him that she knows what he does in the bathroom.
- Second Date
Matt: have you ever had something wonderful come along at the worst possible moment?
- Matt and John talking about how great Colleen is.
John: Oh yeah, yeah! Your brother Greg. Yeah, we were supposed to stop at two but it all worked out because he's successful.
Matt: Thanks dad.
- The revelation that Matt's car has burst into flame at the end of the story.
- Breast Feeding
Jen: I hate those people.
- After failing to get her breasts to produce milk, even with help of counsellors, Jen and Greg decide to just buy formula. But on their way home, the counsellors drive up to them, snatch a container out of their hands, and declare that "they weren't hired to just give up".
Greg: Me too.
Greg: There's still two more in the bag.
Jen: Quick! They're coming back!
- Movin' Out
Samantha: We wouldn't leave grandma in the backyard.
- The kids convince their parents to take the buried boxes of old, dead pets with them to their new house. So they dump them in a kiddie pool and tie it to the top of the car. Then when they pull into the new garage, the door happens to be too low for the pool, knocking it over and spilling the boxes and the bones within them onto the driveway!
- Also, how they convince them.
Tim: Depends which grandma.
1x03 "Sleepy Email Brunch Tree"
- Sleep Deprived
Clerk: Actually, after six hours we have to call them wizard fingers. You know, like a grape becoming a raisin?
- The hot dogs at the all-night mini-mart that must be legally referred to as "meat straws".
- John and Joan's wi-fi (or "wiffy", as John calls it) password is literally "7".
- How does Tim keep a PTA member from making Heather run the petting zoo at school? He texts her back "New phone, who dis?"
Matt: Any argument they have that starts with "I hear you, but—" is code for "I love Greg more than you".
- John being convinced that all the waiters know his usual drink, and the waitress desperately trying to convince him otherwise.
- Matt's advice to Colleen with regards to his family, including comparing Heather's kids to coyotes and to never get in the middle of an argument between Joan and Jen.
Greg: I've never cut down a tree before.
- John and his sons trying to look cool while chopping down a tree. Greg ends up throwing his back out while trying to start a chainsaw.
Jen: You still haven't. The tree guy is coming Tuesday, and your chiropractor is scheduled for Wednesday.
1x04 "Prison Baby Golf Picking"
- Chad's relationship with Colleen's grandmother is even closer than Colleen's. He spends the entire lunch sucking up to Granny in an attempt to impress Colleen and one-up Matt. The lunch scene climaxes when Matt accidentally offends Granny and Chad calms her down by singing Santana's "Smooth" in the creepiest way possible.
- Chad's terrified of having to go to prison for tax evasion. Colleen reminds him that he's going to a white-collar minimum-security resort prison (complete with water slide), but even that's too much for him so he decides to try and make a run for it.
- As it turns out, Princess the dog is actually a boy.
- Realizing that Jen will see them coming, Joan and Heather sic Sophia on her to deliver unwanted baby advice via proxy.
- Tyler happily eats a peanut from a bowl, thinking that he's stealing it from Sophia. Tim had actually just removed it from her nose.
- Tim's custom golf balls read: "Ear, Nose, Throat, Balls".
1x05 "Ponzi Sex Paris Bounce"
- The brand name of the skin products that Chad tries to persuade Matt and Colleen to sell is actually Ponzi.
- The doctor warning Greg and Jen that Jen's vagina, although now healed after childbirth, may feel different:Doctor: Well, whereas before it may have felt like the firm handshake of a closed business deal, now it may feel more like the mandatory handshake of an eight-year-old at his parents' dinner party.
- The doctor advises them to use lube. They both put on a lot ("And really overdo it, you know. Think like hair gel at a bar mitzvah") but because it was dark in the room, they realise too late that Greg mistakenly grabbed the hand-sanitizer bottle.
- Tim, a practising doctor, reassures Greg over the phone that they'll be fine in a couple of hours.Greg: Um, and, let's, obviously, let's keep this, um, between ourselves, huh?Tim: [heartily] Of course. [hangs up] Heather, get down here! You're not gonna believe this!
- Tim, a practising doctor, reassures Greg over the phone that they'll be fine in a couple of hours.
- The doctor warning Greg and Jen that Jen's vagina, although now healed after childbirth, may feel different:
1x06 "Nanny Tent Earrings Cheeto"
- Hypocritical Humor: Jen runs a background check on their potential new nanny and discovers that she was once arrested for protesting the Vietnam war at a sit-in. ("Yeah, well, know what that means? Lazy. I mean, if she was a go-getter, she would have been at a march.") Before they can confront her with this, Tonita then reveals that she ran a background check on them and discovered that Jen was once arrested for flashing her boobs at a police officer. Jen is at first outraged, then:Jen: Wait, so you ran a background check on me. Wow. That is the same decision I would have made, if...I were the type of person who did background checks on people.
- Hypocritical Humor: Jen runs a background check on their potential new nanny and discovers that she was once arrested for protesting the Vietnam war at a sit-in. ("Yeah, well, know what that means? Lazy. I mean, if she was a go-getter, she would have been at a march.") Before they can confront her with this, Tonita then reveals that she ran a background check on them and discovered that Jen was once arrested for flashing her boobs at a police officer. Jen is at first outraged, then:
2x01 "Annulled Roommate Pill Shower"
- In an otherwise run-of-the-mill Viagra storyline, Joan does have this gem when she wants to distract the kids from John's perpetual erection:Joan: Come on, kids. Let's go play What's That Smell?: Hospital Edition.
- Matt and Greg push Clementine out of the room when she arrives with Tyler.Matt: You should go...Greg: You're not helping.
2x03 "Eyebrow Anonymous Trapped Gem"
- Joan honours GiGi's dying wish by having her ashes turned into an artificial diamond, which is then set into a necklace. She then finds that she can't wear said necklace without hearing her mother's disapproving voice in her head, so she attempts to give it to Heather, who is freaked out by the whole idea. Sophia and Samantha aren't impressed either:Samantha: It's not a blood diamond, is it?Joan: Not really, no.Heather: It's a diamond that Mom-Mom had made out of your great-grandmother.Sophia: You said she was in heaven!Samantha: No, she said she was probably in heaven.
- Then Joan tries to palm it off on the next family member to enter the room:Joan: Hi! It just occurred to me, I've never given you a family heirloom to hand down to Lark.Jen: And you're not going to start now, so keep it moving, lady.
- She finally succeeds in dumping it on Matt, who has the diamond set as an engagement ring which he then gives to Colleen, who doesn't realise where it came from:Colleen: It's gorgeous!Matt: Yeah.Colleen: How could you afford this?Matt: It's GiGi.Colleen: It was GiGi's?Matt: No, it actually came from GiGi.Colleen: Oh. That's what makes it so beautiful. That it belonged to a woman that we all loved so dearly.Matt: Okay, sure.
- She finally succeeds in dumping it on Matt, who has the diamond set as an engagement ring which he then gives to Colleen, who doesn't realise where it came from:
- Then Joan tries to palm it off on the next family member to enter the room: