- Pretty much anything Jessica says.
- Eddie and Jessica's trip to the supermarket, "where the white people food lives".
- As remarked by the lonely black kid in the cafeteria:"A white dude and an asian dude bonding over a black dude... This cafeteria's ridiculous."
Home Sweet Home-School
- Eddie and his neighbor receiving their report cards. Both got fairly different grades (one all As, the other all Cs) but both give a Big "YES!".
- Eddie being a Large Ham and elaborately showing off his report card with a music introduction and a pimp walk.
- Grandma holding the boombox and cuing up the music for Eddie just sells it.
- Jessica's hunting down of the dine-and-dashers. From the fact she tells Eddie she'll deal with him later, to the fact she hits them with her car (along with a nonchalant "Hey"), then beans the fleeing kid with an onion (which she tells Emery to grab because she's going to use it for dinner). The kid's I'm Cold... So Cold... moment is just shot down by Jessica saying that that's just his body shutting down.
- CLC, a satirical Kumon.
- Jessica sings "I Will Always Love You" for Honey, but when Honey tries to join in, she is promptly cut off with a sharp, "THIS IS NOT A DUET!"
- The subtitles in Jessica's conversation with her sister Connie.
- The Sexual Harassment Video becoming a big hit at Eddie's school. The kids imitate the scenarios in the video without knowing what it really means.
- The "watering can and flower" sex talk as recommended by the school.
- The looks on Jessica and Louis's faces when Dusty reveals that he understands and speaks Mandarin... right after they were trashtalking him.
- Jessica teaching Eddie about date rape by attacking him with his brother's giant stuffed bunny."Do you like that?! Girls don't! NO MEANS NO!!"
- She caps off the talk by yelling "NIGHTLY NEWS!"
- Eddie finding out that for all the hard work he did in getting the game, he learns from his friends that the game sucks and that another friend actually got a better game out of 9 to 5.
- Not to mention that one friend being moved to tears by the film and game's female empowerment message.
- Jessica, Emery, and Evan going around the neighbourhood and squatting in open houses to take advantage of the air conditioning.
- The Huangs celebrating Jessica's new real estate career with a living room dance party set to a chant of "MOM IS A PIMP!"
Showdown at the Golden Saddle
- While surveying the vandalized Golden Saddles sign with Louis, Jessica snarks about whether their response was too witty.
- And almost immediately after, the two of them are running from the cops (so they think). She loses a shoe and when she tries to go back for it, Louis hoists her over his shoulder and runs for it.
- Evan's freak out about the possibility of losing his "Always There Bear."
- Later he makes a "Mostly There Bear" for himself, then immediately declares that he hates it.
- Louis is too much of Nice Guy that he relies on Jessica to fire people.
- He tries to practice with some roleplay with Emery and Evan. Evan, he deems, is too cute to fire, and then there's this exchange.Louis: Emery, though I do value your work—
Emery: My butt fell off!
Emery: My butt fell off. You can't fire me. This is the only job I can do without a butt. I got no butt.
Louis: Then I can't fire you.
- Mitch also couldn't bear to fire Wyatt the new host as well until Louis says he'll split the salary between the two hosts.
- He tries to practice with some roleplay with Emery and Evan. Evan, he deems, is too cute to fire, and then there's this exchange.
- Eddy tries to convince Jessica to let him see the Beastie Boys with a breakfast in bed meal that consists of an unopened box of pop tarts and a plate. His previous meals include an opened box of cereal, a bunch of bananas, and a full carton of eggs and a sealed pack of Taiwanese sausages. At least he's getting better.
License to Sell
- The Running Gag of Honey finding members of the Huang family when they're trying to hide? Humorous, but not a crowning moment. Jessica hiding out in a 7-11 and explaining that she's there because its junkfood laden aisles are the only place safe from Honey? Hilarious.
- Eddie lets Nicole test her beauty treatments on him so that he can spend time with her, which includes getting his ear pierced and henna tattoos on his hands. When Jessica catches him she scolds him for getting an earring, but declares that his hands are beautiful.
- Jessica's completely non-existent gay-dar.
- Seeing a couple kissing and believing they're brothers
- Seeing a group of leather-clad men singing show tunes as a violent gang
- Completely missing the point of Philadelphia
- Her favorite hangout when stressed is a lesbian bar.
- Oscar's retort when the bartender asks if he's there on break from running the world."Honey, I'm a gay Asian. The only thing I'm running are half marathons."
- Chicken pox is depicted as a chicken-shaped cell attacking red blood cells (turning them chicken-shaped as well) as the Chicken Dance song plays in the background.
- Grandma thinks Eddie's football shaped phone is an egg waiting to be hatched.
- Evan's attempts to infect Emory with chicken pox.
- Jessica accepting the most challenging house on the market in spite of it having a rat problem ("Pet friendly!") a hole in the roof ("Skylight!") and being the scene of a murder ("Statistically, no more will occur inside it.") Before dropping it like a hot potato after finding out it's house and street number. When the janitor explains why she's refusing to her boss, Jessica agrees with him and demands he be promoted to Garbage Boss.
- Grandma mocking Lewis's freakout about taking off his jade.
Dribbling Tiger, Bounce Pass Dragon
- Eddie's Imagine Spot about his dad's experience in Taiwanese basketball.
- Louis and Jessica reflect on their upbringing versus the kids', and Jessica talks about how she wanted her own Sparkle Time Beauty HorseLouis: I mean, would it have been so bad if your parents had given you a strong work ethic and a glitter horse?
Jessica: I worked so hard. I did all my schoolwork, all my chores. I deserved a little horse with brittle hair to comb and braid and a human face to kiss at night. I would have named her Sugar Applebaum and built her a stable out of tissue boxes. And Janet Yi had three horses and she went to Harvard and became an assistant D.A., and ultimately she died in a plane crash, but when she died, she was flying first class, like a boss.
Louis: (Beat). Janet Yi's not dead.
Jessica: WELL, SOMEONE IS!
- The ending, where they watch ABC's earlier attempt at an Asian-American sitcom, All-American Girl.
- "Why are you dressed like Chun Li from Street Fighter?"
- Grandma pretending to be Topanga from Boy Meets World. "Yes... Yes... Yes... Yes..."
- Evan and Emery, who've been desperately trying to gain Jessica's approval of their accomplishments, can only look on with befuddlement as Jessica proudly puts Eddie's "F" on their refrigerator.
- Regarding vacation days:Mitch: Hey, boss, do we get vacation days?Louis: Your job is a vacation. From poverty.
- Jessica getting massaged:Jessica: Is that John Tesh?Masseuse: No, it's an underwater recording of humpback whales singing.Jessica: Why would whales be singing?Masseuse: To communicate their joy. What do you do for joy, Jessica?Jessica: I micromanage my family.
- The incredibly high pitch of Louis' voice when he sees the hotel bill.
- Jessica getting out of paying hidden fees from the hotel:Jessica: So, I was just going through our bill, and we will not be paying any of your hidden fees.Concierge: Ma'am, you can't choose what part you pay.Jessica: Yes, I can. Tell them what happened, baby.Evan: I was running by the pool 'cause there's no lifeguard on duty.Jessica: And no posted signage.Evan: And no posted signage. And I fell. And my tooth was knocked out of my head. [Shows dislodged tooth]Concierge: [Gasps] Oh, my God.Jessica: Your bill didn't include my child-disfigurement fee. And that's how I get you. [Beat] Oh, we also have AAA, so it's another 10% off.
Emery: Was that true? Did you really fall by the pool and lose your tooth?Evan: No. Mom ripped it out with her hands.note
- While at the line for the roller coaster that Eddie was waiting hours to get to, he sees a kid being carried off by paramedics.Kid: [Vomits] I died, and they brought me back!
Boy II Man
- Eddie refuses Jessica's demands to take up the piccolo and stop tutoring Nicole.Jessica: The closest I ever came to defying my mother was when I wanted to pick out my own shoes!Cut to flashback of Jessica with her mother in front of a coffin.Grandma Chu: This little girl wanted to choose her shoes too.
- Jessica's rant about the cabbage baby calendar:I don't think that's cute! I think it's freaky! It's like a curse! It's like this poor baby angered some witch who cursed her to be trapped in a cabbage body! And now she needs an emperor's kiss to release her from the curse, but the emperors are gone, replaced by democracy. So this poor cabbage baby is left alone in the fields to be pecked at by crows. And then a photographer comes along, and he takes a photograph of her, and he sells it for lots of money, but he leaves her alone to a life of misery! For who could ever love a cabbage-faced baby?
- The men in the family singing "End of the Road"
- Louis's imagine spot of what it would be like to have a daughter. It ends with an old and frail Louis walking her down the aisle and the camera panning to reveal Jessica, still youthful, angrily saying that their imaginary daughter shouldn't use her marriage as an excuse to get fat.
- The funny background event when Louis says he no longer wants a baby girl - Emery and Evan were coming up carrying a puppy wearing a bow and without even a pause, immediately turn around and walk out of the room
Shaquille O'Neal Motors
- Jessica's quest to get a discount on a car Louis bought by going through several managers before reaching the big man himself. One instance has them talking loudly in Mandarin about simple things like the weather, making it sound like they're having a loud argument.
- Shaq saying that he personally oversees all his endorsements after the disaster that was...Shaq Fu.
- The sight gag of Jessica and Shaq facing off, since there's a two foot height difference between the two. And Shaq's the one who's intimidated!
- Jessica and Louis screaming random phrases at each other in Mandarin in order to come across as though they are arguing
- Louis' surprise birthday party for Jessica goes horribly wrong. Jessica is so scared by the surprise that she punches Mitch in the face.
Miracle on Dead Street
- Jessica preparing to beat the crap out of four teenage pranksters and Honey's desperate attempts to stop her.
- Evan is in charge of the homeowner's association and runs a very tight ship. He won't tolerate dissent from women four times his age.
- In a great callback to "Home Sweet School," Jessica throws an egg at one of the teenagers as they're running away.
The Big 1-2
- The home video of Eddie's 11th birthday:
- Grandma creeping into frame at every opportunity with a huge smile on her face.
- The piñata is one that Jessica's been repairing and re-using each year since Eddie was 2. It explodes on its own.
- When Louis and Jessica find out that Eddie was throwing his own birthday party without their participation, the one thing that finally sets Louis off is that Mitch had been invited.
- Louis and Jessica's reason for not letting Eddie go to a sleep-over:Jessica: You will thank me when you don't get pedophiled.
- When Jessica (and Louis) go over to Honey's house to spy on Eddie's sleep-over, Honey stays completely hospitable by giving them a place to sit and a bowl of chips...in spite of receiving news that her brother-in-law just died.
- Jessica and Louis are later shown in their own home with the same serving bowl.
- Emery and Evan try to get their parents' attention with various subtle attempts at naughtiness, such as bringing home a test with an A-note , and refusing to replace the toilet paper roll.
We Done Son
The Real Santa
- "... Who wants to see Panny dance?!"
- A couple customers ask Mitch to split their check. He takes it literally.
- Evan meets "the real Santa"
Michael Chang Fever
- Eddie discovers that Evan is being bullied for Pogs only to discover that Evan's bully is a girl. He also discovers that Evan's not being bullied but has a Pog-related gambling addiction.
- Emery's success perm.
Keep 'Em Separated
- Jessica's long list of the circumstances in which women can be around Louis:All I am saying is if you're going to hang out with a woman, it has to be when the sun is up. And she can't be taller than me. Or younger than me. Or weigh less than me. Or look like she weighs less than me. Also, you can't share food. Okay, I guess if you're stranded and you have to share food, then clear soups or broths only. And you will display your wedding band close to your face at all times. Photos of your children must be present if they themselves cannot be. If she happens to touch you, even if by accident, you will excuse yourself and call me immediately. If she has smoky eye makeup, that is bad. If she has a lazy eye, that's good. You must always travel in separate vehicles. Going back, lazy eye is out. It encourages eye contact. And she must never have ever been or even wanted to be a gymnast. Oh, and this goes without saying, but no Denzel movies.
Week in Review
- Eddie trash talking his math teacher.Eddie: You're on the faculty team? Hey, Trent, we can cancel practice!Mr. G: You would want to cancel practice. I know you don't like to work. You certainly don't like to show it.Eddie: Well, I heard you don't like to show up, like for your son's birth. Heard you missed that.
- The video of how Gene met his fiance. All shoddily modeled after the movie Ghost.