Funny / A Million Ways to Die in the West

• Albert tells a story about their preacher who killed a man, then killed his victim's teenage son because he might take revenge on him. That same preacher then makes a sermon about it, under the theme "seeing things through."
• "Hey, dude, you really shouldn't drink and horse."
• Albert and Foy arguing over the latter dating Louise:
  Foy: Hey, Louise dumped you, my friend. It's not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer. I can give her a lavish home. Warm blankets. Wrapped candies. Can you say the same, Albert? Can you give Louise wrapped candies?
  Albert: Fuck you, man.
  Foy: Yeah, that's what she's doing.
• Gilbert Gottfried's cameo as Abraham Lincoln (probably an impersonator), giving a commencement speech in Albert's flashback and, in true Gilbert Gottfried fashion, delivers it with No Indoor Voice.
  "Lincoln": HI-YAH SCHMUCKS! FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, I WAS BROKE! (points to audience) JUST LIKE YOU! BUT NOW I'M THE PRESIDENT! AND I'M SO FUCKING RICH, I CAN HAVE ALL THE LICORICE I WANT! (quietly) Where's my speaking fee?
  Albert: I don't think that's the real President Lincoln.
  • And in the extended version?
  "Lincoln": OH! IF ANY MEN WANT TO FUCK ME IN THE ASS, I'LL BE OUT BY THE BARN!
• Pretty much anything Albert's dad says or does.
  Albert's Dad: [A very wet fart is heard offscreen] OW! That one came out my penis!
  • Before that when Albert wakes up and walks by them sitting in the same rickety chairs again.
    Albert: I'm gonna go take a shit. If I die out there, can you two do something for me? Just once, I want you to switch seats.
    Albert's Dad: ...Fuck off.
• "Take your hat off boy, that's a dollar bill."
• The duel between Albert and Foy. Anna spiked Foy's drink with laxatives the night before, to get back at him for being such an asshole to Albert. His pride won't allow him to stay at home, so Foy stumbles to the duel looking like hell, and has to pause several times to crap himself. He ends up grabbing hats from people in the crowd to shit in.
  • Foy fills up one hat and then tries to take another guy's hat but gets slapped away.
• During the learning-to-shoot montage, Albert fires two shots at six bottles from a distance and misses. He takes a few steps closer and fires two more shots, missing again. Then he walks right up to a bottle, points his gun, and fires his last two shots. He misses. Cue him shoving all the bottles over and nearly tripping as he stomps away.
  • Also during the montage, Anna throws a plate in the air and shoots it. When she throws another in the air for Albert, not only does he expectantly miss, but the plate smashes into his head.
  • Another moment in the montage is when Albert and Anna are on a plateau and he fires the gun, and then trips and falls down the small cliff behind them.
  • Cementing Albert's status as a Butt-Monkey, Anna tosses a canteen at him while on horseback. It smacks him in the face and knocks him right off his horse.
• Anna insults Foy and he has a look on his face that he takes what she said as a compliment before realizing what she said.
• Albert's epic rant about how awful it is living in the West. The best part is when he points out how their mayor has been lying dead in an alley for three days, is currently being eaten by wolves, and no one has even bothered to bury his corpse, much less pick a new mayor.
  Albert: That is our mayor. He is dead. He's been lying there dead for three days, no one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last three days, the highest ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that! Wolves are dragging the body away, as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye Mr. Mayor! Bye! Have fun becoming wolf shit! Bye! God!
  • The miner who drops dead after farting.
  Albert: See those guys, the silver miners, see what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. They eat hot spicy foods every meal of the day. You know why? Because their palettes are so completely fucking dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines, that's all they can taste! You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation! They literally die from their own farts!
  • When one of the other saloon patrons finally gets sick of Albert's whining and tells him to shut up, Albert returns with YOU Shut up!. Cue Albert getting tossed headfirst through the saloon window.
• At the Sunday sermon, the preacher is holding a quiet moment for a worker who was crushed to death offloading a giant block of ice for the general store's cooling room, and much to Albert's disgust, they're STILL going to use the block.
• The annual county fair, which has a surprisingly high fatality rate. The previous year alone, almost 10 people died, and during the course of the one shown in the movie, three people die on screen; a couple having their photo taken, who somehow catch fire when the photographer uses the flash powder, and a salesman who gets gored by a rampaging bull.
  • Five people at the fair, actually: the camera man dies also when his flash powder device explodes. And later, the game runner on the shooting game is killed by a a certain visiting bounty hunter.
• Neither Anna nor Albert understand why the Indians are always so pissed off.
  Anna: I mean, we're basically splitting the country with them 50-50.
  Albert: They're just selfish.
• Albert commenting on Anna's bustle at the dance:
  Anna: I really love that the most alluring fashion statement a woman can make today is to simulate a fat ass.
  Albert: That is a simulation of a fat ass, right there.
  Anna: Thank you.
  Albert: If I was a black guy, this is the meanest trick you could play on me. Because I'd be like, "Oh, my God! Look. There's a fat ass, my favorite." And then I'd lift it up and I'd be like, "Oh, shit, it's a big joke."
  Anna: I know, exactly, because when you lift it up, there's nothing but a metal cage under there. (shows him)
  Albert: Wow! You are ready to relieve the stress of the day.
  Anna: Completely.
  • "I really enjoy the six accessories I somehow need to hold up my pants".
• Edward wants to have sex with Ruth; Ruth refuses, as she wants to wait until marriage before having sex. Their conversation is interrupted by:
  Customer: Ruth! Let's fuck!
  Ruth: Coming! (leaves)
  • Made even funnier by the fact that Edward genuinely has no problem with her work, and is only mildly frustrated about his own lack of sex.
  Ruth: Don't I have the best boyfriend?
  Brothel Hostess: I have no fucking idea.
• Doc Brown's cameo, who hastily covers the Delorean as Albert enters.
  Albert: What, uh... What's that? (pointing to Delorean)
  Doc: Nothing. It's a weather experiment.
  Albert: Oh. (leaves)
  Doc: Great Scott! (a few notes of the BTTF theme play)
• Albert undergoing a Mushroom Samba after he accidentally ingests enough peyote for the entire Indian tribe who saved him in the desert, which includes a repeat performance of the Moustache song from the dance, except performed by sheep wearing hats, one of whom is a sheep version of Foy, complete with moustache.
  • Albert screaming in horror at the hallucination version of Louise, who has eyes so big they'd belong on an anime character rather than a live-action one.
• During the climax, Albert manages to wing Clinch in the arm during their duel, and Clinch thinks he's about to win, only to begin to weaken and fall to the ground. Albert begins to explain his plan in detail, revealing that he knew he wasn't good enough to outshoot Clinch, so instead he doused his bullet with rattlesnake venom with the help of the Indian tribe he met in the third act... only for Ruth to point out that Clinch is already dead from the poison and likely didn't hear a word of Albert's story.
  • Trying to stall for time, Albert claims that he's Muslim, so before Clinch kills him, he has to do the "Islam Death Chant", which starts out as random noise, before trailing off into the chorus of Tarzan Boy by the band Baltimora.
• Right at the very end showing Albert now has a lot more sheep (having used the reward money from killing Clinch to buy a massive herd of them) one of them is once again on the roof of the house.
• Ryan Reynolds' cameo. He's there for all of three seconds, has no lines, just shakes his head to convey not knowing the answer being sought by Clinch and gets shot dead.

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