History Funny / AMillionWaysToDieInTheWest

-->'''Albert:''' See those guys, the silver miners, see what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. You know why? Because their palette is so dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines, that's all they can taste! You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation! They literally die from their own farts!

* [[Film/BackToTheFuture Doc Brown]]'s cameo, who hastily covers the Delorean as Albert enters.

-->'''Foy''': Hey, Louise dumped you, my friend. It’s not my fault she wanted someone with more to offer. I can give her a lavish home. Warm blankets. Wrapped candies. Can you say the same, Albert? Can you give Louise ''wrapped candies''?
-->'''Albert''': Fuck you, man.
-->'''Foy''': Yeah, that's what she's ''doing''.

--> '''"Lincoln":''' HI-YAH SCHMUCKS! FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, I WAS BROKE! ''(points to audience)'' JUST LIKE YOU! BUT NOW I'M THE PRESIDENT! AND I'M SO '''FUCKING''' RICH, I CAN HAVE ALL THE LICORICE I WANT! ''(quietly)'' Where's my speaking fee?
--> '''Albert''': I don't think that's the real President Lincoln.

--> '''"Lincoln":''' OH! IF ANY MEN WANT TO FUCK ME IN THE ASS, I'LL BE OUT BY THE BARN!

--> '''Albert's Dad:''' [''A very wet fart is heard offscreen''] OW! That one came out my penis!

--> '''Albert''': ''That'' is our mayor. He is dead. He's been lying there dead for three days, no one has done a thing. Not moved him, not looked into his death, not even replaced him with a temporary appointee. For the last ''three days'', the highest ranking official in our town has been a dead guy. Oh! Look at that! Look at that! Wolves are dragging the body away, as if to illustrate my point! Bye! Bye Mr. Mayor! Bye! Have fun becoming wolf shit! Bye! God!

--> '''Albert''': See those guys, the silver miners, see what they're eating? Ribs doused in hot sauce. You know why? Because their palette is so dulled from inhaling poison gas 12 hours a day down in the mines, that's all they can taste! You know what that kind of diet does to your guts? Constipation, cramps, dyspepsia, liver disease, kidney disease, hemorrhoids, bowel inflammation! They literally die from their own farts!

--> '''Anna''': I mean, we're basically splitting the country with them 50-50.
-->'''Albert''': They're just selfish.

--> '''Anna''': I really love that the most alluring fashion statement a woman can make today is to simulate a fat ass.\\
'''Albert''': That is a simulation of a fat ass, right there.\\
'''Anna''': Thank you.\\
'''Albert''': If I was a black guy, this is the meanest trick you could play on me. Because I'd be like, "Oh, my God! Look. There's a fat ass, my favorite." And then I'd lift it up and I'd be like, "Oh, shit, it's a big joke."\\
'''Anna''': I know, exactly, because when you lift it up, there's nothing but a metal cage under there. ''(shows him)''\\
'''Albert''': Wow! You are ready to relieve the stress of the day.\\
'''Anna''': Completely.

--> '''Customer''': Ruth! Let's fuck!\\
'''Ruth''': Coming! ''(leaves)''

-->'''Ruth''': Don't I have the best boyfriend?
--> '''Brothel Hostess''': I have no fucking idea.

--> '''Albert''': What, uh... What's that? ''(pointing to Delorean)''\\
'''Doc''': Nothing. It's a weather experiment.\\
'''Albert''': Oh. ''(leaves)''\\
'''Doc''': Great Scott! ''(a few notes of the BTTF theme play)''

* [[Creator/RyanReynolds Ryan Reynolds']] cameo. He's there for all of three seconds, has no lines, just shakes his head to convey not knowing the answer being sought by Clinch and gets shot dead.

* Right at the very end showing Albert now has a lot more sheep (having used the reward money from killing Clinch to buy a massive herd of them) one of them is [[CallBack once again]] on the roof of the house.

** [[ValuesDissonance Neither Anna nor Albert understand why the Indians are always so pissed off]].

--> '''Albert''': I mean, we're splitting the country 50-50, right?

--> '''Albert's Dad:''' [''A very wet fart is heard offscreen'']OW! That one came out my penis!

* Albert's epic rant about how awful it is living in the West. The best part is when he points out how their mayor has been lying dead in an alley for three days, is currently being eaten by wolves, and no one has even bothered to bury his corpse, much less pick a new mayor.

--> '''Albert's Dad:''' That one came out my penis!

* Albert tells a story about their preacher who killed a man, then killed his teenage son because he might take revenge on him. That same preacher then makes a sermon about it, under the theme "seeing things through."

* Creator/GilbertGottfried's cameo as UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln (probably an impersonator), giving a commencement speech in Albert's flashback and, in true Gilbert Gottfried fashion, delivers it with NoIndoorVoice

* "Take your hat off boy that's a dollar bill."
* Foy after filling up one hat tries to take another guy's hat but gets slapped away.

* Albert underoing a MushroomSamba after he accidentally ingests enough peyote for ''the entire Indian tribe'' who saved him in the desert, which includes a repeat performance of the Moustache song from the dance, except performed by sheep wearing hats, one of whom is a sheep version of Foy, complete with moustache.

* The duel between Albert and Foy. Anna had spiked Foy's drink with laxatives the night before, to get back at him for being such an asshole to Albert, so Foy stumbles to the duel looking like hell, and has to pause several times to crap himself. He ends up grabbing hats from people in the crowd to shit in.

** Trying to stall for time, Albert claims that he's muslim, so before Clinch kills him, he has to do the "Islam Death Chant", which starts out as random noise, before trailing off into the chorus of ''TarzanBoy'' by the band Baltimora.

** "Don't I have the best boyfriend?"