We'll start with an In Name Only Harry Potter fic by "not-prgnant-thank-GOD", and it's known as "a sad story
. I'm not especially creative with my usernames, tending to name them after various characters (my TV Tropes handle is named after a boss in World of Warcraft), but I can at least think of one better than that one.
The title is as generic as they come. The summary includes I Suck at Summaries verbatim, and it says that it's "mainly about Harry being abused by Uncle Vernon." To be honest, the only reason I'm reading this is because I heard about how bad it was on TV Tropes. The summary is so bland and lazy that people are unlikely to want to read it, which brings me to some of my pet peeves with the I Suck at Summaries excuse. If you can't write a good brief summary, then is there any proof that you can write a good story? And if you can't explain your fic to us, do you truly know what you're writing about?
The author claims to have written this story out of boredom, and puts one of his/her other fics up for adoption. The story begins In Medias Res, with Harry "lying in a pool of blood, his own blood," wondering if anyone thought he could have died this way.
Uncle Vernon comes in, and calls Harry by his last name. In rapid succession:
- Uncle Vernon beats Harry and demands that he speak when spoken to.
- Harry is about to say "Yes, si-" but Uncle Vernon kicks him for speaking out of turn.
- Uncle Vernon asks Harry if he understands. Harry, clearly having learned from the last beating, says nothing, and gets kicked again for not speaking, until he says "Yes sir."
Uncle Vernon's contradictory instructions are so absurd they're almost Black Comedy. With that done, Uncle Vernon says the family's going to dinner, but he'll keep Harry where he won't get into any trouble. He drags Harry to the shed and locks him inside, using at least twenty padlocks. One has to wonder how many locks would fit on the door.
The fic flashes back to earlier that summer. It's pointed out that Harry hasn't eaten in days, with the Dursleys preventing Harry from getting any food or mail by killing Hedwig.
A few days ago, after school let out for the summer, Uncle Vernon demanded that Harry come over and to "bring that bloody bird." As soon as Harry complied, Uncle Vernon pulled out a shotgun with a silencer and shot the bird dead.
Now for the inaugural installment of What Is Wrong With This
What Is Wrong With This 1: Vernon's Shotgun
- The silencer. I'm not a gun expert, but one video I've seen of a shotgun with a silencer shows the silencer as being almost as large as the shotgun itself, and it mainly being to reduce the need for hearing protection, rather than eliminate the sound altogether. The improbability of silencing a shotgun aside, this leads me to my next point.
- Uncle Vernon aiming the gun at a bird at arms length away from him. He seems more likely to blow off his own arm that way, to say nothing of how it would be difficult to point the gun at the bird.
- Uncle Vernon holds a metal bird cage with an owl inside in one hand, and is able to properly lift and fire the shotgun with the other. He would have to be incredibly strong to manage this.
- Lastly, all the neighbors would be alerted by someone firing a shotgun inside a relatively quiet neighborhood, and likely call the police. It's not just essentially physically impossible for Vernon to shoot Hedwig, but it's also entirely impractical
- The silencer. I'm not a gun expert, but one video
Harry screams Hedwig's name and runs over, only to get stopped by Uncle Vernon and beaten for the first time. Harry could avoid Dudley, but is helpless against the fully grown Vernon, and beaten into unconsciousness "in the hour"; it's unclear whether it took less than an hour of beating for Harry to fall unconscious, or if he was unconscious for an hour; this is one of those times when the grammar is so bad it's hard to tell what the writer is trying to say.
Fortunately, this is the last flashback and this fic is short, or else it would get somewhat hard to follow the timeline.
Harry comes to and then goes scavenging for newspapers. He finds "a black figure" lying in a pool of blood and offers to help her, but she refuses his help while recognizing his scar, and sardonically asks why someone like him would be concerned with her when he has bigger problems, like Voldemort. Harry, realizing that she's a witch, and not wanting to be reminded of his Arch-Enemy, insists on helping. The girl passes out from the pain, and Harry takes her back to the shed, where he, in spite of how terrible she looks, decides that she's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. I honestly have to wonder how Harry could possibly reach this conclusion.
Over the course of three weeks, Harry learns that the girl's name is Maria, hears that she's being beaten by her father, and, presumably because of what they have in common, they fall in love. Unfortunately, Uncle Vernon returns her to her parents and starts beating Harry with more intensity.
At some point in the near future, around the time of the first scene, Maria is getting beaten by her father, including getting kicked in the kidney with a steel-capped shoe. Maria, however, remains conscious and oblivious to the fact that the latter should kill her, by sensing that Harry's in trouble. She runs over, as it starts to rain, but soon gets stopped by Vernon and her father.
Inexplicably, the scene cuts to the Weasleys. Ron (who, in a somewhat pleasant twist, does not get demonized or bashed) is pleased to see Harry, and another Weasley announces their intention to save him from the Dursleys.
Apparently, it's raining so hard that the neighbors can't see a meter beyond their houses, an improbable lack of visibility.
The Weasleys (Fred, George, Charlie, Ron and Mr. Weasley) hear someone screaming, and, getting closer, somehow do manage to see Maria getting beaten up by two men (presumably Vernon and Maria's father). Mr. Weasley stuns both of Maria's assailants, as well as Dudley and Petunia, but Vernon says "It is too late, my dear."
Maria goes running to Harry in the shed, but the Weasleys pull her away. Their actions don't make any sense, unless they want to spare her the sight of seeing Harry dead. She comes out with Harry's lifeless body, as he's soaked in both of their blood, and begs him not to leave her. The Weasleys are utterly stunned at this.
Harry momentarily regains consciousness, and Maria rejoices for a moment, but he says that he will die soon. She pleads with him not to go, saying with no buildup or foreshadowing whatsoever, that she's pregnant and he's going to be a father. He simply says, "I'm sorry. I'll always love you..." before passing on in Maria's arms.
At this point, "The chaos erupted and the world crashed around the two." What does this mean? We'll never know, since the fic ends here abruptly, albeit quite depressingly.
All in all, this is a fairly standard fic that deliberately tugs at the viewers' heartstrings, written by an author without any talent or dedication. Still, it has a lot of absurd moments, and is quite laughable as a result.
The Bechdel Test: Fails Condition 2. There's multiple female characters, but to my knowledge, they never interact.
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