Literature / This Quest is Bullshit!

Quest: Head to the next town over and pick up a loaf of bread.
Difficulty: Legendary
Eve: What the fuck?

The Questing Stones - six mysterious stones, that are sometimes a Circle of Standing Stones, which moves from city to city on a schedule, throughout the Kingdom of Leshk. No one knows their origins nor the depths of their power, only that they will bestow upon any of-age citizen before them a Life Quest - the quest that will define their skills and Goal in Life. Some are called to greatness in order to vanquish a great foe, others are tasked to hone a skill to the height of perfection. Some goals are straightforward, while others are complex and convoluted. The possibilities are endless.

For seventeen year-old Evelia Greene, the arrival of the Questing Stones in her town of Nowherested would be the culmination of years of daydreaming. It would be her one chance at breaking away from her boring home life as a seamstress' daughter. Whatever the Stones would throw at her, she was ready to take on - as long as it would let her travel the lands.

Her Life Quest is to obtain a loaf of bread. But the quest apparently has Legendary Difficulty, and she is but a Level 1 Messenger Girl.

While she would never be able to fathom why the Stones would give her such a quest, she knows that the Stones can't be denied; ridiculous or not, she will have her dreams of travel fulfilled and get that gods-dammed bread. After all, how hard could getting a loaf of bread really be?

The first book in This Trilogy is Broken! by J.P. Valentine.

The published series is on Amazon, but the original is on reddit.

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This Quest is Bullshit! contains examples of:

• Abhorrent Admirer: Roric is plagued by a whole group of these.
• Acquired Poison Immunity: Eve eventually gets poison resistance as a result of a passive skill.
• Action Survivor: Eve manages to survive dangerous encounters in her journey despite her non-combat oriented starting class. While she does level up later on, much of the initial parts of the story involve her being this.
• Actually, That's My Assistant: Wes mistakes a First Mate as the captain of the ship they are on. It's actually the sentient parrot on his shoulder.
• Affably Evil: Alvin is a well-mannered cultist who provides Preston with tea and friendly conversation while the latter is being imprisoned by said cult.
• All Animals Are Dogs: Reginald, a drake hatchling, plays fetch and enjoys curling up around Preston's arm.
• Augmented Reality: It is not clearly explained how, but the characters can see their stats, class and quest details on an AR screen. This screen can be viewed by others as well.

• Bait-and-Switch Comment: Roric approaches Eve in a secluded alley and starts speaking to her about his humiliating defeat to her in combat. Turns out that he merely wants to acknowledge his loss and offer to train her.
• Barbarian Hero: Roric Ironarm of the Salfdir Clan, with the class Hewer of Bones. A six-and-a-half foot tall muscular, heavily scarred, shirtless berserker who dual-wields axes in combat.

• Brick Joke: The residents of Nowherested all apparently have similarly colored hair in the varying shades of chestnut brown. Eve refuses to call the color anything but brown.

• Can't Move While Being Watched:
  Nobody quite knew how or why the half-dozen misshapen granite monoliths traveled across the kingdom of Leshk, only that they refused to move while anyone was looking. A number of cities throughout history had tried to keep the Stones in place by hiring lookouts to monitor them at all times, but such attempts always failed when local adventurers began receiving quests to murder the watchers.

• Chekhov's Skill: Eve's Stamina and Strength stats as a courier are meant to help her travel long distances quickly while carrying heavy packages. Eve uses these skills to save herself and her party from tough enemies by picking them up and making a run for it.
• The Chessmaster: The Man of the Mists and the Lady of Whispers indicate that they are both players in a larger game. What that game is remains to be seen.
• Circle of Standing Stones:
  The Questing Stones were six in total, arranged this night in an uneven circle.
• Class and Level System: The world of the novels is built on this concept.
• Comedic Hero: Every one in the protagonist's party is this.
• Comically Small Demand: The only way to get Eve to face the guild receptionist is to bribe her with scones.
• Contrived Coincidence: Played for Laughs and Lampshaded. Every attempt by Eve to get a loaf of bread will inexplicably result in failure so that the quest can go on. The bakery would burn down due to a "baking accident". Otherwise, the baker is preoccupied with being on strike due to overpriced flour. Or the bakery would run out of bread just as she steps in. All potentially within the same day.
  • This is later exploited by Eve to send the Pyrindel Castle steward on a wild goose chase.
• Cryptic Background Reference: The Man of the Mists and the Lady of Whispers both make these repeatedly throughout their appearances.
• Cryptic Conversation: The Man of the Mists loves to engage in these.
• Cryptically Unhelpful Answer: The Man of the Mists' response to almost every question asked by Eve. She eventually gets fed up and calls him out on it.
• Cult: One holes itself up in a dungeon that the protagonists are venturing into.
• Curb-Stomp Battle: Eve as a Manaheart is able to absolutely destroy her opponents thanks to her monstrous strength.
• Deadpan Snarker: Every member of the party gets a turn.
• Defrosting Ice Queen: Alex is cold and distant towards the rest of the party at first, refusing to interact with them outside of quests and jobs. She slowly warms up to them over the course of their adventures.
• Determinator: Eve keeps forging ahead despite her ridiculous quest. This trait even helps her unlock an entirely unique class and skills.
• Didn't Think This Through: Turns out summoning an entity that brings with it a dense blanket of fog into a room made of wood is going to result in water damage. Which Eve needs to pay for.
  • Eve tries to zip around the city using her enhanced speed, only to be smacked with a speeding ticket because running around at heightened speeds around normal people places them in danger.
  • Running at magically enhanced speeds without developing proper control over one's traction and momentum can be a bad idea.
• Disproportionate Reward: In one instance, Eve gains +128000 exp for learning a lesson in humility.
• Don't Go in the Woods: The Cherry Woods are infamous for making adventurers disappear.
• Double Entendre: Eve's choice of jokes after finding out Wes and Preston are a couple.
• The Dreaded: Eve becomes this in the Proving Grounds. Her defeat of Roric makes every subsequent challenger pitted against her either refuse to show up to the fight or throw it by giving themselves a lethal injury before the fight even starts.
• Driving Question: What exactly is the nature of Eve's Life Quest? Will she ever get that loaf of bread?
• Dude, Where's My Respect?: Eve becomes a powerful adventurer by the second novel, but still has trouble being taken seriously due to others seeing her class as common and unable to see her real class.
• Enemy Scan: The Appraise Skill. Can be done to anyone to determine their class and level, though the latter is only visible if the person scanning is not of a significantly lower level.
• Evil Living Flames: The Devouring Flame. One of Wes' passive skills is to be able to hear the flames whispering to him. They tell him to feed their insatiable hunger.
• Experience Points: Another staple of the genre.
• Face of a Thug: Roric.
• Farm Boy/Girl: Eve and Wes, whom are both from Nowherested.
• Fire of Comfort: Eve laments the loss of these as Wes' flame magic grows stronger and more unstable.
• Fragile Speedster: Eve is able to boost herself to insane speeds, but has poor defences against attacks.
• Gentle Giant: Wes is very tall, but is a generally nice guy.
• God Is Flawed: The Goddess Ayla is forgiving but has no sense of boundaries, according to Preston.
• Good Is Not Nice: Alex. She starts off rude and outwardly expresses disdain towards her party members.
• Heartwarming Orphan: Art, an orphaned Trellac that the group adopts into the party.
• Hell on Earth: Attempted by the cultists in the Temple of Garaxia dungeon.
• Heroes Gone Fishing: Eve occasionally gives herself time-off to spend her well-earned coins.

• I'm Standing Right Here: The group regularly trades insults with the intention of having them heard by their target.

• Jerkass: The guild receptionist loves talking down to Eve whenever possible.

• Like Brother and Sister: The dynamic between Wes and Eve is this.
• Lotus Position: Eve adopts this stance when meditating.
• Magic Fire: The Devouring Flame counts, as it is able to heal Wes. It also seems to be intelligent.
• Mama Bear: The Leviathan who had its egg stolen from it attacks the ship its egg is on mercilessly.
• The Medic: Preston is the party's healer.
• New Super Power: Every time someone gains a new skill or class upgrade, they need to spend time to learn how to control and use their newfound abilities.
• No-Sell: Manahearts are immune to all forms of mental magic.
• Non-Combat EXP: Eve can get experience points for random actions such as getting rejected by the adventurer's guild, accidentally summoning a shadowy entity, or learning a lesson in humility.
• One-Hit Kill: Eve's general strategy.
• Playing with Fire: As a fire mage, Wes does this all the time.
• Power Stereotype Flip: Wes is a wielder of fire, but is definitely not hot-blooded or rash.
• Pyromaniac: Again, Wes is a fire mage.
• Secret Relationship: Preston asks Eve to keep his relationship with Wes a secret from Alex.
• Sir Swears-a-Lot: Nearly every character is foul-mouthed. Special mention goes to Preston, who is a Priestess and technically should have better manners.
• Survivor Guilt: Alex feels guilty for surviving the incident that wiped out her party.
• Taught by Experience: How the protagonists learn to utilise their powers.
• Team Chef: Wes is designated as one as he is able to make fires easily. His actual cooking skills leave much to be desired, according to his teammates.
• Team Mom: Eve, but everyone in the party gets a chance to take on this role due to the amount of bickering that happens between the members.
• Troll: The Questing Stones seem to have a sense of humour, giving Eve a Legendary quest for bread and bestowing Preston a class that is meant to be all-female.
• True Companions: The protagonist's party is shaping up to be this.
• Virgin Sacrifice: The cult in the Temple of Garaxia capture Preston for this. They require a virgin Priestess who has never had the touch of a man to be sacrificed in a ritual to summon their patron demon.
• Wake-Up Call: Eve gets this when faced with an opponent with illusion magic.
• With Great Power Comes Great Insanity: While the Devouring Flame is powerful, Wes' mental stability seems to reduce as he gains more power.
• Working-Class Hero: Eve and Wes come from humble backgrounds. Eve is the daughter of a seamstress while Wes is the son of a blacksmith.
• You Are Not Ready: Roric refuses to spar with Eve until she learns proper posture and stances for combat.