Literature / Empress Theresa

Empress Theresa is a self-published novel by one "Norman Boutin", which hit in early 2014. The story is an odd amalgam of Science Fiction and Chick Lit: the titular Theresa, a ten-year old girl who happens to be "cute as heck" and "a whiz at school", experiences a union or "merging" with a mysterious alien entity, which she names HAL. HAL gives her various powers, including superhuman strength, and as she comes of age, she is forced to put these powers to use for the good of mankind.

It can be obtained here.

Tropes found in Empress Theresa include:

  • Buxom Is Better: The story contains an unnerving number of references to the heroine's bosom.
  • Chaste Teens: Played with. Theresa and Steve are chaste before marriage, but marry at eighteen because, in her own words:
  • Christianity Is Catholic: There are a few references to a priest and a Cardinal, and the Pope - for some mysterious reason - pays for Theresa's college education.
  • Chosen One: Theresa, though her being "chosen" by the alien HAL is accidental.
  • Costume Porn: A lot of space is devoted to describing Theresa's wardrobe, including her Little Black Dress, her Stripperiffic figure-skating outfit, her wedding dress complete with "Venice Lace", and an "Irish green outfit" complete with amazing artwork from the author.
  • Disney Death: Played with, then played straight. In the ending, the whole world believes Steve and Theresa are dead, but they reappear in a spaceship and bless the Earth before deciding to age and die naturally.
  • Does This Remind You of Anything?: The alien "merges" with Theresa by appearing as a "softball-sized white ball" and entering her abdomen. Yes, you read that right.
  • Eagleland: Type 2. Theresa speaks contemptuously of "the American dream of secure mediocrity", and the President of the United States tries to have her killed, For the Evulz.
  • Golden Moment: Whenever Steve and Theresa quarrel and then make up. Say it with me: Awwwwww!
  • Happily Married: Steve and Theresa, if your idea of a happy marriage is a passive-aggressive Masochism Tango.
  • Jerk Ass: Theresa's husband, Steve Hartley. He exists only to be rude to anyone who might offend his precious Theresa.
  • Male Gaze: How many young girls aged eighteen would describe themselves in these terms?
    Theresa: "My green outfit was modest, only five inches above the knees and with not much cleavage, but didn't hide my well-turned figure. All right, my chest and butt were well outlined."
    • And keep in mind one of the selling points is that the book contains no sex and yet it constantly sexualizes her.
  • Meaningful Name: Father Donoughty literally does nothing.
  • Nerds Are Sexy: Steve Hartley, Theresa's husband, is a physicist.
  • Never Trust a Title: Theresa is not actually an empress of any kind; it's just a nickname given to her by her friends.
  • Rage Against the Heavens: Theresa gets angry with God during one of her missions. He is not impressed, and tells her to stop whining and do what she ought to do.
  • Shout-Out:
  • Stripperiffic: Theresa's "little black nothing" dress, and her figure-skating outfit with a slit skirt. She uses the first to taunt Jack, and the second to seduce Steve.
    Theresa: I had a green figure skater's outfit covered with sparkling sequins and embroidery. Nobody had ever seen me in it. I tried it on. It had one of those ridiculously short skirts that didn't seem worth putting on. My legs were exposed on both sides up to the hips, there was no back and not much front. So now Steve was free to look all he wanted.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: By the author, who insists that his book isn't science fiction:
    "Science fiction talks about impossibilities such as time travel, or some future or alien world."
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Subverted. Even when Theresa literally turns the world upside down, the only people who object are marked down as hopelessly evil.
  • Your Cheating Heart: Theresa's first boyfriend, Jack Koster, who two-times her with an old friend named Ginny.