Literature: Empress Theresa

In this new internet world, cowards can attack anybody with no risk to themselves! Three atheists I've debated on forums came here trying to torpedo my book with horrific reviews. They failed. A public library has already found the book good enough to include in their catalog: Select category title and search on empress theresa *** Of course, the reason the cowards hate Theresa is she's the very opposite of what they are in many categories. Theresa is honest, courageous, brilliant, loved by everybody ( even China wants her to take herself out of danger ), happily married, powerful but harmless, thoughtful of others' welfare not just her own, a believer in God, and an inspiration to the young and old. She attacks "impossible" problems with everything she's got and she never gives up. ____ "Those who challenge Theresa Hartley's power are fools" says the Israeli Prime Minister. "She could destroy the world."____ "Don't mess around with Empress Theresa!" says her husband Steve. __ *** ————————————————————————— DESCRIPTION: Empress Theresa is what some people would consider impossible, a book about a good girl, with no sex, foul language, or violence, but still giving the reader an action-filled fascinating story. What would you do with limitless power? We know what many people in the world would do. History is full of examples. But the world lucks out. It’s Theresa who gets limitless power. Eighteen year old Theresa only wants a quiet life when she’s suddenly burdened with global responsibilities. She is challenged by a series of “impossible” problems. Especially tricky is the one that prompts her to complain, “What am I supposed to do, change the laws of physics? This is the most impossible problem yet.” Can you guess the solutions before reading what Theresa does? Write a book about a decent girl and some critics will say every character must have serious flaws. I might have made Theresa another kind of personality, a less desirable and troubled kind of girl which would satisfy certain critics, but then people would come at me with a noose complaining, “This was our only chance to see a super-powerful girl in action and you messed up. Why didn’t you give us a loveable, inspiring Theresa?” I did, but I didn’t overdo it. A girl as fine as Theresa can be found in any high school. You know one. Empress Theresa is a tribute to the common, decent human being who quietly builds the world but hasn’t gotten enough attention lately. Norman Boutin, BS, BSN, DMD

Empress Theresa is a self-published novel by one "Norman Boutin", which hit in early 2014.

The story is an odd amalgam of Science Fiction and Chick Lit: the titular Theresa, a ten-year old girl who happens to be "cute as heck" and "a whiz at school", experiences a union or "merging" with a mysterious alien entity, which she names HAL. HAL gives her various powers, including superhuman strength, and as she comes of age, she is forced to put these powers to use for the good of mankind.

What sounds like an interesting premise is dragged down by poor writing, plot holes and the main character, who is described as "the exemplar of all virtues". Proofreading, editing, and some candid advice could have made it a much better story.

For the strong of stomach, it can be obtained here.

Tropes found in Empress Theresa include:

  • A Wizard Did It: Or, more accurately, HAL did it. Dramatic tension is at absolute zero because we know that, no matter how much Theresa cries and angsts about every "crisis" in the story, HAL's powers will save the day.
  • Buxom Is Better: The story contains an unnerving number of references to the heroine's bosom.
  • Chaste Teens: Played with. Theresa and Steve are chaste before marriage, but marry at eighteen because, in her own words:
  • Christianity Is Catholic: There are a few references to a priest and a Cardinal, and the Pope - for some mysterious reason - pays for Theresa's college education.
  • Chosen One: Theresa, though her being "chosen" by the alien HAL is accidental.
  • Costume Porn: A lot of space is devoted to describing Theresa's wardrobe, including her Little Black Dress, her Stripperiffic figure-skating outfit, her wedding dress complete with "Venice Lace", and an "Irish green outfit" complete with amazing artwork from the author.
  • Dear Negative Reader: On every public forum that the book has been discussed, Boutin has taken this stance, claiming that those who dislike his work are either jealous folks playing mind games, or evil atheists persecuting him for being a man of faith.
  • Disney Death: Played with, then played straight. In the ending, the whole world believes Steve and Theresa are dead, but they reappear in a spaceship and bless the Earth before deciding to age and die naturally.
  • Does This Remind You of Anything?: The alien "merges" with Theresa by appearing as a "softball-sized white ball" and entering her abdomen. Yes, you read that right.
  • Eagleland: Type 2. Theresa speaks contemptuously of "the American dream of secure mediocrity", and the President of the United States tries to have her killed, For the Evulz.
  • Golden Moment: Whenever Steve and Theresa quarrel and then make up. Say it with me: Awwwwww!
  • Happily Married: Steve and Theresa, if your idea of a happy marriage is a passive-aggressive Masochism Tango.
  • Jerk Ass: Theresa's husband, Steve Hartley. He exists only to be rude to anyone who might offend his precious Theresa.
  • Male Gaze: How many young girls aged eighteen would describe themselves in these terms?
    Theresa: "My green outfit was modest, only five inches above the knees and with not much cleavage, but didn't hide my well-turned figure. All right, my chest and butt were well outlined."
  • Meaningful Name: Father Donoughty literally does nothing.
  • Nerds Are Sexy: Steve Hartley, Theresa's husband, is a physicist.
  • Never Trust a Title: Theresa is not actually an empress of any kind; it's just a nickname given to her by her friends.
  • Rage Against the Heavens: Theresa gets angry with God during one of her missions. He is not impressed, and tells her to stop whining and do what she ought to do.
  • Shout-Out:
  • Small Name, Big Ego: The author
  • Stripperiffic: Theresa's "little black nothing" dress, and her figure-skating outfit with a slit skirt. She uses the first to taunt Jack, and the second to seduce Steve.
    Theresa: I had a green figure skater's outfit covered with sparkling sequins and embroidery. Nobody had ever seen me in it. I tried it on. It had one of those ridiculously short skirts that didn't seem worth putting on. My legs were exposed on both sides up to the hips, there was no back and not much front. So now Steve was free to look all he wanted.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: By the author, who insists that his book isn't science fiction:
    "Science fiction talks about impossibilities such as time travel, or some future or alien world."
  • What the Hell, Hero?: Subverted. Even when Theresa literally turns the world upside down, the only people who object are marked down as hopelessly evil.
  • Your Cheating Heart: Theresa's first boyfriend, Jack Koster, who two-times her with an old friend named Ginny.