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Just For Fun: TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows Cellblock B

  1. If I have a choice between getting a new toy just because the overlord down the street got one, and upgrading my organization's equipment, I will get the equipment upgrade. Having a private battleship/space station/Kill Sat/etc./etc. is all well and good, but when the hero comes knocking, would you rather be shooting JHP ammo from a six-shooter or explosive bullets from a Tacticool?
    1. While I'm at it, I will allow my henchmen/legion of doom troops to submit suggestions for possible upgrades. Being on the field, they'll know what we need, and there's no sense letting the heroes exploit the same weakness over and over again.
    2. Keep in mind that revolvers actually suck and Katanas take several years of non-stop training to use effectively. Just because something works flawlessly on TV, doesn't mean it won't fall flat on it's ass in Real Life. That, and Minions have a horriffic track record when it comes to hiting something smaller than the side of my fortress. They don't do so well with swords, either.
      1. Who cares about real life? GENRE SAVVY!
      2. Again, for this one analyze the universe to see what practical limitations work and which don't.
  2. If the Idiot Ball is a physical object, I will take steps to weaponize it. I will also take steps to contain the weapons-grade stupidity seeping out of the weapon. It just won't do to have minions forget that the skinny end is the one that hurts (or you keep the ring and throw the ball).
  3. If my Evil Plans involve immersing myself in The Lifestream, I will first dip a toe in to see what happens. I will also wait an hour after eating to enter.
  4. Female minions will be given more protective equipment than metal lingere. Why that's necessary is detailed here.
  5. Failure will be punished by demotion and a round of brainwashing, rather than summary execution. Dead minions can't fight. Besides, brainwashing is fun!
  6. When assembling teams, I will go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they do not work together.
  7. I will make it clear that anyone caught browsing a dirty magazine, playing a videogame, talking on his mobile phone, or napping while on duty will be fired. Out of a cannon. Negligence is what allows heroes to slip in.
    1. The smartass that uses some other means of entertainment under the rationale that "He didn't say we couldn't X!" will be set on fire. THEN fired out of a cannon.
    2. However, this will all be allowed while on break. Again, happy Mooks are hardworking Mooks.
  8. All Artifacts of power and relics will be destroyed along with all ruins that contain lost magic; those things are always a thorn in the side of every major Evil Overlord.
    1. Alternatively, I will hire a team of wizards and archaeologosists to find these ruins and study these Artifacts or lost spells to either create countermeasures against them or, if possible, use them myself. If neither is possible, I can at least destroy them all at once.
  9. I will have guards trained to recognize moving bushes.
  10. I will not use radiation or any radioactive materials in my lair; it is expensive enough to make specialized suits to resist radiation from Material X, not to mention that if there is a meltdown to a reactor it will cause terrible PR even if it is in an isolated area like a forest or the mountains, I don't want the EPA on my ass about killing off poor bunnies and forest animals from the explosion or the ensuing fallout. I may be an Evil Overlord, but even I have enough common sense.
  11. Only I will have the control to the magnetized chambers of my lair, I can't let anyone of my organization have such a device in their hands on the off chance they join my enemy; and possibly that they will muck around with it to make some damned faux hockey rink out of something I spent a lot of money on.
    1. Also: All of my minions will have implanted microchips used to repel the magnetization, which will destruct after their death to prevent usage.
  12. Minions will have their weapons integrated into their armor, such as helmet-mounted pistols and Arm Cannons. Armor will also be equipped with a toxin injector, the venom of which will be tailored not to hurt that minion (or their identical twin). Therefore, if a hero attempts to pull the old "clothing swap trick", he will get poisoned, and he will not be able to divest my minions of their guns.
    1. Alternatively, minions will wear suits with individually unique built-in computer system that is required to open locks, operate their weapons, etc. Each minion will have a unique microchip put either under their skin or under a flesh-colored patch, the absence of which will lock down the suit, trigger an alarm, and issuing a paralyzing electric shock if used on a lock, weapon, etc.
    2. If possible, I will also look into instead making a performance booster/healing serum for the suits that is toxic/caustic/acid/venom/poison/against the hero's personal code to use. If it one of the deadly options I will have all mooks either implanted/bio-engineered for resistance or treated to develop an immunity. This way resources in the suit are still helpful, but also serve as a method from keeping it from being worn.
    3. As an alternative, I will (if the technology exists) have my mooks' personality stored on a memory chip in their uniforms that will upload them into the body of whoever wears said uniform. Not only is it likely to kill the hero, but it also saves me having to train another soldier and may even give me another elite mook (of course, should they start acting like the hero, they will be executed and we will revert to the aforementioned systems).
  13. I will make sure factory by-products and mine tailings are properly disposed of. Living in the middle of Mordor, while great for atmosphere (figuratively, of course), just screams "He's fuckin' evil!!!"
  14. I will make it clear to Eagle Land and the pale-skinned folk that I recognize neither their apparent "right" to police the world nor their supposed "Natural Superiority", and if they want me to cough up the MacGuffin or disassemble my superweapons, they've got another thing coming. (It'll be riding an ICBM and will be able to take out a city). Moreover, if they want to come over and take it/her/them, they're gonna have a fight on their hands.
    1. However, I will only do this if I can actually back up my threats. Saddam Hussein learned the hard way that challenging such a foe who has you thoroughly outclassed in every respect is suicide. I will not attempt to bluff the bigger fish. Instead, I will do everything possible to make sure I am too small for them to care about. Propaganda is for the consumption of my subjects, not the rest of the world.
    2. Corollary: I will never believe my own propaganda. It's one thing for my army to think they can beat Eagle Land, but I must never imagine that I can if I can't.
  15. If I ever go a-conquering—you know, just me and the guys, as a mid-Sunday hunting trip—I will make sure to put someone competent, but not too ambitious on the throne in my absence. I will make it clear that I'm coming home, and the kingdom is on loan, not a gift. And if he fucks it up, I'll fuck him up.
    1. Also, if I find an abandoned baby, I will make sure to adopt him/her before it ends up getting Raised by Wolves. Those guys are always trouble.
  16. If I am dying and want to continue my plot by Brain Uploading, the supercomputer better have access to the internet or another area so I will not be bored in my confinement to a machine and I can create a copy or escape elsewhere.
  17. If there are any hostages important to the hero I will execute them immediately instead of stowing them somewhere they could be found, If confronted by the hero. I will lie and say that they are alive somewhere dangerous, luring the sod into a deathtrap or ambush. On the off chance that rage empowers or motivates the hero and he escapes to confront me, I will be well prepared with an escape route which will be destroyed upon my escape.
  18. If I have to create a computer virus, I will also create a program to circumvent the use of it on my own machinery, and if the enemy reverse engineers it by modifying the coding, the very same program will be based on the same source code to neutralize all assaults from that computer virus in general.
  19. I will not send any large animals against the hero, no matter how impressive they may be, unless I am certain that they are 100% loyal to me. Large mammals (elephants or lions) look awesome, but as soon as they are exposed to the hero's kindness, they will turn on me. Reptiles or predatory fish (snakes, sharkes, piranha) are reliably evil, but they are also indiscriminate - I do not wish to be finished by falling into my own crocodile pit. And an animal I control against its will shall invariably turn on me as soo as my influence is removed.
  20. Chimeras are a no go, even though it may seem interesting to mix and match creatures and play with life in general, they are still beasts and highly unpredictable.
    1. Collaries if they must be used
      1. They should be kept in confinement cages in a hallway and then set upon the hero at once when he enters, said cages must be durable enough so that they do not injure my henchmen. Said henchmen will not be allowed to feed or interact with them; there will be tubes for food and water above each cage. Henchmen who tease and anger them will be reprimanded as a warning and executed by me if they repeat their mistake. I will have alternate hallways and exits for henchmen if the Chimeras are loose.
      2. I will not make one strong enough that it will break free and run amok in the base, destroying everything and attacking my men, nor will I let it free myself. It will be kept under lock and key with a keycode and a piano and will only be released as a last resort. Before creating it though there must be a way how to kill it on the off chance it turns on me or joins the hero.
      3. The research lab that they are born in will only be a temporary stay for several weeks before being transported, I don't want them growing up and destroying a good research facility that I probably spent millions on.
      4. I will not make them part machine, even though it may seem easier to clean up after them, and are more durable than most, it is lengthy and expensive, and their machinery could be fried if the hero uses some type of electrical weaponry which would cause them to go amok or just short them out in general.
      5. However, if that "I created you so you can't touch me" thing is going on, I will use them.
  21. If it becomes necessary to escape from my base that is being invaded by superheroes/secret agents/robot badasses, I will have my troops yell out sentences like 'Prepare the escape pods', 'Power up the teleport' or 'Unlock that elevator to the centre of the Earth'. While they do this, I will silently walk out through the fire exit.
  22. I will take some of my cues from one Vladimir Putin. The man clearly has some clue what he's doing.
  23. I will study the hero's abilities and use training/magic/science/Phlebotinum to create a hybrid of the Kung-Fu Proof Mook and Superpowered Mooks concepts. That way, I will have minions that are not only immune (or at the very least resistant) to the hero's attacks, but ones that will use the hero's own tricks against them as well.
  24. If the hero is adept at le parkour, stealth, or is good at improvising things, I will force them to fight in an open, barren field.
  25. I shall use robots in my pursuit of heroes who use fear, social engineering, or psychological tactics.
  26. To handle those frustrating stealth-based heroes, I shall construct the interior of my fortress out of a kind of durable yet extremely creaky wood (covered in fireproof paint, of course).
    1. Alternatively, I will use highly sensitive panels that light up when touched
  27. I will remember that long range artillery and high altitude bombers are a good part of any evil army and stock up. That way, I have the option to kill the hero in a massive area bombardment rather than send in hordes of mooks that will probably get slaughtered or helicopters and tanks which can be hijacked.
  28. I will regularly go on hunting trips and kill animals and monsters that are manageable within my current level of personal combat prowess. Not only will I get to broaden my horizons by doing something other than being an evil overlord, but the resulting influx of XP will help to avert Villain Forgot to Level Grind.
  29. I will make sure to find the fine line between Awesome, but Impractical and awesome, but practical, and never cross it. A Base on Wheels or an Airborne Aircraft Carrier may sound cool, but what about dirt roads and air pockets? Or interceptors? Or nuclear land mines? (come to think about it, even a man-portable nuke can take out a superheavy) I will only use massive and insanely complex vehicles and/or weapons if I know I can make them work.
  30. I will not use a door-lock system that de-activates when the hero kills everyone in the room. Instead, when s/he kills the last person, the room will collapse and/or become a vacuum.
  31. I will make all my minions pass psych eval and IQ tests. Idiot minions generally forget orders, and respond to such orders as "Kill her" or "Strap him down" with "But datz mean, boss..." Insane minions will only be allowed if they're of the amusingly mad type, and kept the fick away from anyone or anything important.
  32. I will not give my favorite /firstborn kid a cool theme name like "Mordryd" and my other kids throwaway names like Jimmy. Given the amount of bickering evil children are prone to, Mordryd's probably gonna get a pen in the eye and the minions are gonna have to learn how to serve a guy named "Lord Jimmy" with a straight face.
  33. I will keep careful records of all the towns I pillage, and will do so only when necessary. Nothing pisses the hero off like finding out that the complete massacre of his hometown was an average weekend out for me.
  34. Before choosing to become an evil overlord I will sit down and take a nice long think about at my career choice, evaluate the pitfalls, ensure I have the necessary funds and that there are no pesky 'rightful heirs to the throne out there' (as a rule they pretty much always win the end - regardless of their seeming level of stupidity). Then, if I still feel the need to continue in this path, I will seriously ask myself if this is really what I want or if I'm simply making one last futile attempt to gain my mother/father/ex-girlfriend/(insert person here)'s love (if so I should accept in advance that all my efforts will be futile as becoming a jerk only wins one love and affection if one is ridiculously attractive ). If after looking at this from all angles, I still feel the need to attempt to take over the world, I will sit down read over EVERY story in the history of time involving the fate of an evil overlord and in the end decide my survival chances will greatly increase if I join team hero, hide my true nature become a useful, well-liked friend of the chosen one, help him defeat all other evil overlords, when he rises to power subtly hint at (in a way which makes him think it's his own idea) him making me his second in command (if he has legitimate heirs be nice enough to them that they won't want to kill me or if they do people will consider them ungrateful brats and not support them in their efforts), have my-fake best friend appoint me his most trusted guard, wait for someone else to try to kill him, merely pretend to be asleep and allow this person to pass, cry like a baby at the funeral, blame everything on myself, have his grieving and presumably attractive widow comfort me - DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE FALL IN LOVE WITH AND OR MARRY THE BEAUTIFUL WIDOW THIS WILL END BADLY, PARTICULARLY IF ASKED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ME AND HER HERO-JR. CHILDREN). When all this is accomplished, simply sit back and take wrongful place on the throne (also, at least attempt to be nice to be people and keep them happy as otherwise they might rise against me)
  35. I will make sure to keep my priorities in order:
    1. Priority number 1: My own life, comfort, and safety (except in a plan that ends with my death, which I should keep in mind, is the FINAL step of the plan, and should only occur at such a time.)
    2. Priority number 2: My Evil Plans. No, killing the hero is NOT as important as furthering my own goals, except when they are directly threatening Priority Number 1.
    3. Priority number 3: My reign of terror, also maintaining my Legions of Doom.
      1. For that matter, switch 2 and 3. I can always come up with another Evil Plan if my current one fails, but if I lose what power I have already, it'll take a lot of planning just to get back to square one. My Evil Plans should be for the purpose of maintaining and expanding my life and reign of terror, not the other way around.
    4. Priority number 4: The hero. (Remember to be pragmatic here. No need to play fair, or anything. Take advantage of his/her inherent naivete and weaknesses.) Never confuse this with Priority Number 1. Because trying to take the hero with you is a good way to get killed.
    5. To summarize all these lists into something easy to remember: I will not be a damned fool. I will not be overly prideful. I will not side with or attempt to control anything bigger, better, or more powerful than I am. I will take reasonable and reliable precautions whenever available. I will NOT be a damned fool. I will do everything in my power to stop the hero or heroes, and I will make sure I don't give them any advantages. I will make sure my Legions of Doom are loyal, intelligent, and skilled (And Equal Opportunity employment.) I will be attentive and careful at all times. I will not have any moral or ethical code that might inhibit me from taking every advantage I can get my hands on. I will stay up to date on any important development. Most importantly, I will keep in mind the fact that I am not Immortal, Invincible, or in any way unstoppable, because I am, in fact, unfortunately mortal.
    6. In short, under no circumstances will I be a damned fool.
  36. I call them "mooks", but really, they will all be highly-trained badasses.
    1. If such is the case, I will also remember to not have them Zerg Rush the enemy and fall victim to the Conservation of Ninjutsu, because even my highly-trained badasses can fall beneath a Dangerously Genre Savvy Hero with something up his sleeve.
  37. Access to any area of the base that could be remotely important will require a full palm scan, retinal scan, key card, voice recognition, and a password of at least 9 random digits. The scanners will be programmed to tell if someone is dead, in case the hero tries to carry somebody's dead body to the scanner.
  38. In the event that I am ever bottled, I will ensure that I am either unconscious or have some outside means of entertainment, (or better yet, can leave the universe altogether until the release). Also, if someone has released me demanding power, I will not kill him/her immediately, instead I will use his knowledge of the different time period, and give him a high position when I regain my authority.
  39. I will make sure that any mercenaries or bounty hunters I hire do not have any odd quirks to get in the way of their objectives. Nothing is more disappointing than learning that they didn't do their job because there was a wounded animal nearby and he "had to nurse the poor thing back to health".
  40. Upon further consideration, I WILL offer a bounty to any henchman who captures the Hero. The bounty will be offered to all who assist in this capture. I will, however, pay in goods other than cold hard cash, to prevent inflation.
    1. On second thought, I will tell my henchmen that once the hero is dead before me, they will all get a bonus this year. This will prevent the potential of squabbling and fighting each other for the rewards while ensuring they don't try and skimp me on the killing him part
  41. If I offer to pay someone, I will keep the vow, and NOT kill them once they are no longer useful. It worked for Warlord Zsinj.
  42. If my R&D team invents a bomb that can't be defused, I will get them to develop an ICBM that can't be retargeted.
  43. My fortress will not have bad muzak (like there's such a thing as good muzak). I will also make sure to get suggestions for the background music, and not have it all pop or Three Chords and the Truth, but rather a mix of all genres we can all live with. People are less effective when thinking "I hate this friggin' song". Minions also fight harder to Metal than Teenybopper, so when the alarm goes off, the background music instantly switches to a sufficiently awesome Heavy Mithril album, for example, Gods of War. Or anything from a Command & Conquer soundtrack.
  44. I will keep all new weapons top secret until I develop armor that protects against it.
  45. If I know where the Sword of Plot Advancement and Forged by the Gods Armor of Invincibility are, and am unable to use them due to those Darkness-awful Morality Locks (or destroy them outright), I will booby trap them so nobody can use them against me. The last thing I need is some Mary Sue (especially a Canon Sue) wielding my Achilles' Heel coming at me just before I complete the final Human Sacrifice needed to turn me into a God of Evil.
    1. If, by any chances, they are stored underground/in deep caves/some elaborate structures (which seems to be a lot), I'll just collapse the whole place and bury all those artifacts, dump a whole lot of concrete over the area, and set some people to watch over the area in case of heroes coming in to investigate the area.
      1. Also, if it is possible and won't end up in a large disaster, such as the monsters in area dig up the cement, even if nobody blames me for it or it won't lower my public PR, I will use my resources to build a prosperous city on top of the cement-filled area, after I make sure there are no crevices that have accidentally formed. On top of the most likely area that the item will be, I will build a very good hospital that takes care of all diseases and conditions, magical or biological, and have it that the basement will be needed for the proper running of the hospital. This way, the hero cannot/will not/doesn't think of digging down in that area to get the item. This hospital, paid for by me and using my technology/magic, will not only be good for my PR, but if someone does get it into their head to dig down in the basement, I will have guards in the hospital. If it's the hero then they will have to waste time trying to explain to everybody why in hell they were doing something that could possibly take down a very effective hospital that is, in fact, run by the very person they are getting the weapon to take that person down.
  46. If I am accountable to a superior, and I have failed him, I will not blame my failure on my minions or colleages, nor will I ask for a paycheck or a raise. This often leads to you being executed, as a common trait of Starscreams is that they care more about themselves than their employer. I will instead take full responsibility for my failure.
  47. Destroy humanity. They're just not worth the effort of enslaving, really.
    1. But make sure to absolutely destroy them, or else they'll bite you back, HARD.
      1. It pretty much answers itself.
    2. However, I will only do this if I have a better slave species in mind. Slaves have to come from somewhere.
  48. If one lone scientist warns me that my latest plan will unleash horrifying forces upon me, I will put him on my top advisory committee instead of trying to discredit him.
  49. Rather than trying to fulfill prophecies, I will stay the heck away from them. The last thing I need is for a group of fanatics pointing out that I'm acting like a Nikolai Carpathia expy.
  50. Given a choice between killing a specific high-ranking enemy with a 30 megaton ICBM, and a gun, I'd choose the gun. It does put me in danger, but it's the only way to bypass his Plot Armor.
  51. All protagonists who attempt to kill me will be given a computer with Internet access as a reward. And this will be the Home Page. That ought to give me enough time to reach my Escape Vehicle and start the self-destruct sequence. I will also check if they made any useful additions to the related TV Tropes pages, as heroes usually have an unstated hidden superpower at making jokes about future events (especially if I am in a prequel or time travel situation). I will also check if they DELETED stuff, and NOT make my new base detected solely because it accessed TVTROPES.ORG...
  52. I will found, christen, donate to, and attend charity events of an animal hospital and adoption center regularly. This will not only boost my PR, but the heroes will waste time trying to find out what sort of sinister reason there is that would justify my involvement. If the heroes try to bring it down, not only will they find that there wasn't anything suspicious happening there, but also makes them look much less heroic in the eyes of the public for destroying the place that takes care of all those helpless animals.
  53. Unless I am SURE that this universe has a Lost Aesop, I will refrain from pointing out any contradictions, grey areas, or other weaknesses in the hero's moral code. Odds are that the author put more thought into rebutting my complaints than the complaints themselves.
  54. If I'm aware that my death will triggers whatever nonsensical force to collapse my Supervillain Lair, I will make sure this also applies with all The Empire public structures such as aqueduct and mine shaft (just like my lair, I built most of them anyway). And I will remind the heroes that killing me mean years of drought and mineral shortage to millions people.
    1. That, or triggers a Doomsday Device which will detonate immediately after my Video Will/Nice Job Breaking It, Hero gloat ends, and my death means The End of the World as We Know It.
  55. Rather than booby traps that kill outright, I will have booby traps that do character assassination as well. For example; a bookshelf full of porn swing open when the hero steps through the laser sensor. All magazines will be coated in poison, so once he flips through his favorite naughty publication, he drops dead. I merely need to display his corpse with a deathgrip on a Hentai for the ire of the masses over his death to fade into "I can't believe we idolized that perv".
    1. I will have a large amount of said poison waft into the air when the shelf opens, just in case wonderboy happens to be one of these bloody chaste heroes. I will also have a vacuum chamber just after the poison porn, just in case he packs a gasmask. I can simply plant a naughty book on him afterward.
    2. I will make sure never to read the stuff myself where others can see me. If I need "adult" entertainment, it will be stored in a secure place, with an anti-eavesdropping EMP curtain and vault doors coded to my fingerprints, eyescan, voiceprint, DNA, and psychic information, and with at least one combination lock and two key-type locks.
  56. If the hero has a particularly gentle, nice, and sweet companion, I will not torture or otherwise provoke him/her. I will, however, attempt to keep some genuinely nice, gentle people around who are loyal to me personally.
  57. The first thing that my Legions of Terror learn as part of their training will be that standing perfectly still out in the open during a firefight is not going to help their life expectancy.
  58. If body armor cannot protect my minions, I won't issue it. What's the point?
    1. If this is true, I will also help them to look stylish, if there's no point in armor, making them look cool can make them killable but not disposable.
  59. If I manage to capture one of the heroes, I figure out what kind of weakness allow me to capture this one at first. Then perform other methods like psychic interrogation, DNA scanning and computer simulations to further discovery on their weaknesses and abilities. This data will then be present at the next advisors meeting for analysis and exploiting it.
    1. If the reason I can capture this one make no sense, it's possibly a trap. I will continue the experiment process but with great caution.
    2. The range of experiment will be decide depend on the captive. For instance, Child Mage or The Hero's little sister are unlikely to provide much useful information by physical examination and better use for bargain. I will only consider full surgical dissection if the captive is The Hero or The Ace.
      1. Or an in-depth surgical examination if I need the subject alive after the study is complete.
  60. I will have minions search out every weapon merchant in the land and either employ him or buy out all his stocks. With any luck the heroes will have no access to equipment above the starters.
    1. This also applies to Anti Villains who are playing my security for fools. If this fellow can out-smart/out-plan my Inner Circle and I, we can probably put him to good use. Especially if he's stealing out of my trophy case.
  61. I will refrain from using the standard supervillain insults. "Imbecile" and "You Fool!", A) Lower minion self-esteem, and B) while they get the point across, are cliche'.
    1. I will never directly insult the Minion's culture or race. The individual is weak, the whole is insurmountable.
  62. If I am the Villain in a Porn with Plot, I will not be one of those idiots who screws 24 /7. The body has enough blood to fuel the brains or the nether regions, not both.
    1. I will also never expect someone to sleep with me, or so much as rest their head in my lap, to prove their loyalty.
    2. If I have a creepy fetish, such as black leather and chains, schoolgirl uniforms, or animal costumes (or even worse, all three at once), I will get my personal psychologist to invert my kink into a "don't go there" to take advantage of Good People Have Good Sex. Exceptions for Conveniently Common Kink or actually being a humanoid animal.
      1. However, if this is a Safe, Sane and Consensual Author Tract where the villain is expected to have boring sex, I'll nail whoever I want however I want (if my partner/s agrees to it and is at least 18, of course).
    3. No using genetic engineering for said creepy fetishes. If I've got to go through such waste for sex toys, I should step down.
  63. If I have other means to gain control of the kingdom then force a princess to marry me, I'll go with this plan instead. Also, I'll make sure to remember that "princess" is not synonym to "first beauty in the country" or to "perfect wife for evil lord."
  64. A backstabbing wife can be dangerous to have around, but she can provide necessary training. If I never relax in her company, I less likely relax when hero comes to assassinate me.
    1. If the hero does manage to kill me, I will use the hidden weapon, I have on my person, not on the hero (he will probably dodge it any anyway,) but at the said backstabbing wife. My Final Speech will be: "Did you a favor." Then die.
  65. Should I discover an alien planet with sentient life hostile to my goals, I will genetically engineer a plague that works on them (and ONLY on them) and kills after 24 hours as well as a temporary cure. This plague shall be carefully engineered and tested to ensure that it cannot, under any circumstances, infect humans. Still, I will ensure that my minions (and myself) wear special bio-hazard suits outside of a few sterilized area into which aliens cannot go. After the population is infected and enough have died for them to be worried, I'll offer the 24 hours worth of antidote every day in return for a lifetime of free slave labor. Any who refuse will, obviously, be left to die.
    1. If the universe I happen to be in also has necromantic magic, I will also make burying or incinerating the corpses of the dead slaves punishable by death. That way, I have a group of meat-puppets to use in gas-filled parts of the mines.
      1. Before I do this, however, I will do detailed research on the burial customs and death rituals of my new slave race, and avoid violating them horribly. I will also be careful to avoid abusing them or making it obvious that they are my slaves. While quashing their rebellion would, obviously, be only a matter of witholding the medication for 48 hours, there's no point in giving the heroes the opporunity to cause havoc in my empire.
  66. I will pretend to care for my minions to keep morale up, but in actuality I will be sure that I do not, in any way, care about them. That way, I won't go crazy should they turn against me. I'm looking at you, Azula.
  67. If there is an indigenous tribe near my secret military installation, I will ally with them by making them dependent on whatever technology or substance I have to offer them in exchange for helping me fight the resistance and training soldiers how to fight using their primitive weapons so that Rock Beats Laser will work in my favor. If their ecosystem has a shared consciousness, I'll deliberately feed it false memories implicating the resistance in destroying the environment of my home country or planet.
    1. If said shared consciousness extends to the ''entire damn planet'', includes the resistance's minds, and/or is otherwise impossible/impractical/dangerous to trick, I will reverse my environmentally-unsound practices and declare the place a national park. It's good for PR, and a shared consciousness could be a valuable ally.
  68. If I'm not already batshit, I will at least pretend to be so I can plead insanity at my trial (If I get one, hopefully the hero will take pity on a "poor madman" and follow Due Process).
  69. I will have a suggestion box outside my office. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll read anything the mooks stuff in there, but it will raise morale.
    1. Alternatively, I will read the suggestions. Who knows? They might actually have a point.
  70. Mooks will have their libido supressed to nil while on duty, regardless of gender. This will allow me to use the money the other overlords are using for the base whorehouse for weapons R&D, and solve the problems arising from accidentaly having Limpwrist squad or the Amazon Brigade guarding the hero, and make every one of my minions Ignore The Fan Service.
  71. If the Green Rocks my Mad Scientist team is using in their research causes horrendous mutation and/or death, but also can be used to do magic, I will make sure to have the devices powered by it be bulletproof and make uniforms insulated against its radiation before having what amounts to little more than a bottle of the stuff and a handful of wires strapped to someone's arm.
  72. I will watch Burn Notice religiously and take notes on everything that Michael Westen does, including what details to research that are left out of the show. That information is invaluable for either setting up plans and/or counters of my own, or anticipating what the hero might do and take the appropriate actions.
  73. The architect who planned my top-secret dungeon, its traps, and its escape routes is doomed from the moment he signed on. As are any external service personnel I absolutely must hire to provide upgrades, such as the poor sod who put in the central A/C.
    1. Or just keep them captive under the threat of death should the heroes find the blueprints. If so, remember to give them a happy and secure living for them and their family and friends so they are not Driven to Suicide (of the cop kind).
  74. I will train regularly with my (most loyal) troops (using blunted weapons) and will not expect them to always lose to me. Instead, I will concentrate on genuinely improving my own abilities, until I am able to use The Dragon as my sparring partner on a regular basis. Not only will this improve our working relationship, but it will mean that in the event that he dies or Heel Face Turns, I am capable of holding my own against him and/or his killer. On a similar note, I will suggest to The Dragon that he teach an apprentice, or at the very least, train The Brute and any Psychos For Hire we may contract. This will help to increase group cohesion, and will also ensure that in the event that any one of the above Heel-Face Turn, I will have at least one individual on staff capable of killing, or at least seriously injuring them.
  75. I will make myself look as human as possible, looking demonic/Angelic, or like any sort of Beast Man will, while it makes me look intimidating, will, ultimately, make it easier for the heroes to kill me when/if the time comes.
  76. I will make sure that The Dragon is not my only capable servant. The Brute will be a Genius Bruiser and a remorselessly loyal sociopath; if arrangeable he will also be good friends (or at least friendly rivals) with The Dragon, so that I can send them both after the heroes at once. If he is the leader of the Mooks he will also either forgo some of his cruelty in order to be a A Father to His Men, or (if totally evil) will at least be a competent strategist and leader, who the men can trust, and follow bravely; while the lowest ranking member of my inner circle, he will be kept up to date on plans so that he does not inadvertently sabotage them (and after all, he's likely to be my most loyal follower to boot, so why risk offending him?). My Evil Genius will be allowed to comment on any aspects of the plan that he thinks needs work (why have an Evil Genius otherwise?) and will also be given any cybernetic upgrades, Powered Armour, Super Serum, biological modifications, or Mecha-Mooks that he feels are necessary to give him combat abilities similar to those of The Brute and The Dragon. The Dark Chick will be a Chick. Specifically, she will be my Victorious Childhood Friend who has been playing Risk with me and helping me plan to conquer the world since we were five years old. She will be able to hold her own with the boys, and will have eyes only for me. As we are absolutly made for one another, I will of course listen to her advice (and adding a female viewpoint might not be a bad idea). At least one of the above will be a suitably Cold Sniper who can take The Hero down, without having to close in physically. If I am a Magnificent Bastard, other members of the Five-Bad Band will have Manipulative Bastard, The Chessmaster and The Trickster characteristics spread out among them. Not only will it prevent me from having to do all the work, but it will mean that there are multiple people who can point out problems with my plans. None of them will be a Smug Snake, or if they are they will be of Lord Cutler Beckett level effectiveness, meaning that they are still useful to me, and will have plans only slightly less brilliant than my own. They will all be Dangerously Genre Savvy, and know that betraying me will only ensure their own defeat in the long run.
  77. I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of the above precautions or if I don't have the good managers required to supervise my minions and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can.
  78. I will not, under any, ANY ciricumstances, squander a superpowerful female soldier, loyal to me due to love and capable of one-shotting tanks by looking at them funny, by having her destroy herself in an effort to kill the entirety of my enemy's military. Especially if the enemy has one more or less just like her. I shall find a way to keep her in the field. Superpowerful women - loyal ones particularly - are extremely hard to come by. I'll make sure to... reward her as I (and, quite importantly, she) sees fit. This takes care of both my powerful superweapon and lovelife departments.
  79. Any idea which crosses my mind which seems to only be there because I think it would be cool, regardless of practicality or good sense will be ignored. Yes, developing bands of minions to act to popular character types would be pretty neat, but I wouldn't want to be distracted from my overall plans by the little things.
    1. That's what lieutenants exist for. If the Overlord finds out there's no underlings competent enough to pull such side-projects and loyal enough to put them in charge of that much, this should be considered an emergency in and of itself.
  80. If a minion or civilian suggests something that is halfway decent, I will give him the credit for a good idea, rather than just stealing it. That way, if it fails, I can finger-point.
  81. I will offer top-notch dental and medical benifits, as well as a GI's Grant. Loads of people sign up for that sort of thing.
    1. As a corollary to all the benefits I will offer, I will make sure that everyone knows about these benefits. That way when I tell The Hero that We Can Rule Together, he can't say something clever like "Yeah right, I know the way you treat your minions."
  82. I will invest in man portable miniguns, and make them standard issue. That way, I've got More Dakka and Multi-Directional Barrage without sacrificing Revolvers Are Just Better. Close-combat weapons will be chainswords. I will also see about cramming these onto armored vehicles.
  83. If, for whatever reason, I need to talk with the hero while holding him at gunpoint, I will not use 500 Mooks pointing pistols at him. This not only consumes space, but makes it more likely that the bullets will hit other mooks or myself, as per Conservation of Ninjutsu. I will not use a single highly trained marksman, as the hero will most likely be able to dodge bullets. Instead, I will use three highly trained marksmen. One to shoot at him from the front where he expects it, one to shoot him after he dodges the first bullet, and one with a machine gun to completely obliterate the corpse.
  84. If I know of a possible hero beginning his quest, I will make sure to fill his group of True Companions with my minions. The Non-Human Sidekick will be the Sleep Mode Size of one of my hulking guard-beasts. The Obi-Wan will follow my Religion of Evil, and will surreptitiously leave details out, like the fact that the Seven Prismic Jewels, when put in the altar, will give me ultimate power instead of summoning my weakness. Not only will the scantily-clad Action Girl be a Horny Devil in my employ, the White Mage will be one, too. Betty and Veronica as Morton's Fork, plus a subversion of Sensible Heroes, Skimpy Villains. I'll even have the travelling shopkeeper giving the hero weapons that will self-destruct on my command. None of these will be implemented until the hero had defeated my weakest form, and I pretend to die instead of going One-Winged Angel. They will also all have anti-Heel-Face Turn measures taken. In the event that the hero is able to fight off the entire rest of his Five-Man Band, plus all his quirky allies, they will all be "revealed to be evil copies," and the hero will "free the real ones." These will all be clones with the exact same powers and programming as the originals, but that will be a little sneakier this time.
  85. All weaponry that can overheat and explode in my face will have a temperature-operated failsafe, that will render the weapon completely inoperable if removed or tampered with, except for repairs/upgrades (and no, jamming a coin in the fuse slot will not work). Said weapon will also have a simple yet effective cooling system. Any weapons that are powerful enough to one-shot my fortress will be permanently pointed outwards from it. If the ammo for this fortress-killing gun could be wired to explode, and still destroy my fortress, I'll put it in a bunker far enough away that the explosion will only destroy said bunker.
  86. My doomsday devices will not have a lengthy charge-up time, and will have a countdown timer just for show. They will be ready to use as soon as the hero waltzes into my control room. In addition, the conspicious 'off' button will activate the device immediately.
  87. If I take up playing an instrument, I will stay away from the Ominous Pipe Organ.
  88. I will familiarize myself with the technique known as Obfuscating Stupidity, and I will use it frequently. If the hero is Genre Savvy, he or she will be afraid and think twice before attacking. If not, I get an easy kill.
  89. I will bring Mooks into my army by funding their education at my nation's top school, thereby ensuring they are intelligent and capable of quick thinking. I will put them through Training from Hell, and I will use it to forge them into one large group of True Companions. I will also select the best soldiers for membership in an elite group based on the US Marine Corps, and they will be the first responders to any emergency.
    1. This elite force will not be the first enemy the heroes face in a large-scale battle. On the contrary, I will arrange my armies with the least capable soldiers in the front and have the most Badass soldiers as my personal bodyguards. By the time the heroes reach them, they will have exhausted their energy on my immense army.
      1. On the other hand, if there is any kind of experience-based level-up mechanic at play that would allow the hero to become more skilled by defeating progressively stronger opponents, I will make sure he cannot leave his village without encountering my strongest forces. There's no point in giving him free training.
    2. If the "Stop Having Fun" Guys bitch about you "cheating" if you beat them while using a tactic, it becomes SOP.
  90. I will always value a small force of capable people (read: able to cause more than a few minutes' setback to the hero) over a vast army consisiting largely of weaker mooks. While I admit that low maintenance cost is certainly a draw, I am not getting my money's worth if the hero dispatches my minions without easily or I am forced to shoot them myself as they come to me to report their failure. Even if I wanted to use their high numbers for terrorizing the populace, it creates bad precedent if my minions are seen as incompetent jerks rather than representatives of my own fearful self. I need the hero and others to think twice before attacking anyone wearing my uniform, rather than gaining self-confidence through small victories against my forces.
  91. If I am some form of vampire, I will calculate the amount of nourishing substance I need per day, divided by the amount one person can safely give. Multiply that number times the number of days it takes to fully recover from the draining. This tells me the minimum number of willing donors I should cultivate. (Un)life is much easier when I'm not leaving corpses all over the place.
    1. If my bites suck, I will take steps to fix this, or at least explore topical anesthesia.
      1. If my bites turn people into new vampires, I will do everything within my measures to fix this. It thins out my foodstock and creates more potential vampiric evil overlords to concurrence me. Corollary if my type of vampire induces a hivemind structure.
    2. My donors will be treated very well, and compensated for their service. They will most certainly not be treated like cattle. The more I put into making them loyal, the more power I have. They will not only not help any misguided heroes slay me and end the good thing we've got going, they might recruit friends.
    3. Summation: Inferior species or not, my particular food source has thoughts and feelings. I'd do well to remember that.
    4. I will consider the benefits and the disadvantages of sparkling. It draws a lot of fangirls to me that can be used to form my army (see above) while convincing almost everybody else that I am not a real vampire and thus not a threat. On the other hand, it ravages my credibility.
  92. I will never wait with renewing whatever it is that sustains my life, but will do it as early and as often as possible. If my unlife requires that I sacrifice a virgin every full moon then there will be a harem of virgins kept well fed and treated but always prepared in different locations. Holding off the search until the last minute will just make me do something really stupid, like go after the hero's girlfriend merely out of desperation.
  93. If my pet Mad Scientist manages to cook up a group of Frankensteins Monsters or non-human-based Super Soldiers that happens to have full sentience, with all the emotions and capacity for grudge-holding that entails, I will make sure to post a non-discrimination clause in the next set of Edicts. It would be disastrous if they turned on The Empire (or worse yet, sided with The Hero) because I let them be treated as sub-human.
  94. Any secret agents or otherwise heavily trained soldiers from a distant land will be considered threats to my power.
  95. If I have to poison someone with a drink, I should have a drink that is a different color than the drink of the person I'm trying to poison. Or alternatively, use a poison I am already immune to, or barring that, have an anti-toxin ready ahead of schedule. The latter two cases have the added advantage that I can poison both drinks so the hero can't switch them.
    1. If more than two people are there, this rule applies to my minions too.
  96. Of course, if I have been reading this, I have taken precautions necessary to avoid having to use a One-Winged Angel form anyways - this is a last resort. But if I happen to have a One-Winged Angel form I am aware of, I will make sure, if possible, to actually test it for combat performance BEFORE taking on The Hero. If the form ends up hindering me instead, it shall NOT be used. Similarly, I shall make sure to check if my One-Winged Angel form is compatible to fight the hero. So, if I can transform into a shadow demon immune to nigh all harm, but who cowers at the mere mention of a holy spell, and my enemy happens to be a holy paladin, this form shall NOT be used.
  97. Before I turn myself to the Dark Side I will at least confirm that it does in fact have the overhelming power that it promises. If it turns out that with greater power comes a price that will leave me at a huge disadvantage, or that it it can not actually defeat Light at its purest, or that possessing it carries with it a crippling vulnerability towards all things Good, then I will choose instead some other means to make my Reign of Evil a reality.
  98. Facing The Hero is of course preferable to avoid, but if am driven to do so, and if I/My Humongous Mecha/whatever I use to fight The Hero happens to be almost invulnerable, but possesses a weakness only revealed when a particular attack is used, it goes without saying this attack shall NOT be used (unless he somehow manages to attack through the armor anyways), even if I have to punch the sucker to death. This sounds pretty obvious, but you wouldn't believe how many Nigh Invulnerable Evil Overlords lose their lives because they decided to put their precious time before their safety and blast the hero down with their special attack, leaving themselves wide open.
    1. In addition, no Humongous Mecha will be built to look like myself or the hero. Modelling it after myself is just making me a larger target, and modelling it after the hero is only giving him more incentive to blow it up with me inside it.
    2. It also goes without saying that I shall not stand inside a room full of deadly traps that can kill me. Even if I think they will kill the hero. I just WON'T. They WILL be turned against me instead, heroes know how to do that. There's cautious, and then there's bloody ridiculous. Mooks in my room (ones able to aim, obviously) is OK, in fact it's GOOD. Standing on a bridge over lava with a button/axe to fling the whole thing down into the lava right behind me is NOT.
      1. If for any reason I actually do want to create such a room, I will start a rumor that it is my real hideout and have a copy/hologram/illusion of me standing on the bridge, so that when the hero goes ahead and steps on it, the whole thing collapses with him and falls into the lava, while I watch this through a security camera/crystal ball from a safe distance. And by safe, I mean a few dozen kilometers.
  99. I will always remember the motto: "Overkill is good, overconfidence is not." If I kill a hero, I will not relax until I detonate his body to pieces, incinerate the pieces, fling the ashes into outer space (or better, into another dimension), and exorcise the site.
  100. Spikes of Villainy will be used, especially if the hero is a Personal Space Invader
  101. My prison guards will be under a general order to never leave their post unless ordered by me personally; they will also be ordered to keep this order a secret and to feign obedience if told to leave their post until out of earshot, at which point they will call for backup.
  102. Loud alarms in my base are reserved only for when an approaching army is sighted. If an infiltrator or The Hero is sighted, a silent alarm will be raised and guards will simply visibly patrol - but not appear to notice, let alone chase after - the infilitrator, instead using the visible patrols to force the infiltrator into the dungeon, where they will be met with a full complement of my Elite Guard.
  103. If I build a secret room into a house, it will be underground, not behind a secret wall where anyone with a blue print or a decent sense of dimensions and spatial relations can spot it.
    1. I will also make sure the hero's Plucky Comic Relief cannot find the secret room by stumbling around and tripping into it.
  104. My security cameras will be placed in such a way that the hero cannot be out of sight by standing directly under the camera mounting.
  105. Just in case a hero has someone to take the bullet for them, I will always have an extra bullet more than I need to execute heroes. Furthermore, I will capitalize on the time it takes the hero to hear the rescuers last words to line up my next shot and kill him.
  106. Everyone will be accountable for their movements, and everyone must be accounted for at all times. Besides my closest advisors, everyone's whereabouts must be kept tracked. Therefore, I will use a hidden finger scanner on all doors and before all traps, to allow for easy access for me and my close advisors, so safe escape is possible. I will also implement a non-hidden two key card system for anyone else. Any guards that have to pass through a trapped area must clock in before their shifts before being allowed clearance to go anywhere. They will be given a key card with a certain number of allowances. Each allowance, when swiped through the scanner, disables one trap or opens one door one time. Each guard will be given exactly how many allowances they need for any particular shift. Guards will travel in groups, each guard in a group will get a portion of the total amount their group needs, so if at any point a guard is killed and their key stolen, they will not get far. Allowances are specific to one area and must stay within that area. The second card will be the safety card. Each guard will be required to frequently and regularly swipe their safety card at a specified time and at specified intervals, the schedule of which is to be kept a personal secret, different for each guard. Should these intervals not be punched, or punched at the wrong time, an alarm will immediately be triggered. If a guard does not punch in or out for the day, an alarm will be triggered. If a person is out of allowances and tries to use more, an alarm will be triggered. If allowances are used in the wrong area, an alarm will be triggered. With all of these steps in place, it is literally impossible to kill a guard and eventually not trigger an alarm.
  107. Local bands will be screened for magical instruments they just happened to find at a garage sale or the local pawnshop. Any band that has one, I will hire immediately to do my theme music, thus adding Power of Rock to my arsenal.
  108. If the history of my world follows a series of cycles, especially those of a metaphysical nature, I'll establish a special team of experts to find a way to break the cycle without losing my empire. If they insist that the end of my rule is inevitable, I'll search for a way to A) fake my death, B) establish a cult promising my messianic return, and C) preserve my body until the world is once again ready for me to take over.
  109. I will order all copies of this document, and all subsequent derivatives, to be destroyed with the exception of a master copy which will remain in my safe deposit box for reference.
  110. You know those things that Firefighters wear that sounds an alarm when they don't move for more than a minute, or fall flat? The mooks should have those too.
    1. Also, these devices should have their frequency and tone updated regularly to stop Tech-Savvy Heroes from exploiting it
  111. As an alternative to fark.com's Rule 19, I will offer a bounty for the hero's capture. However, it will be made clear that if the capture was a collective effort, then each participant will be well rewarded. It'll be a little pricier, but who cares. With the hero out of the way, I'll have all the money I want. It's an investment.
  112. If the setting allows, I will turn myself into a powerful, free-willed undead who can ressurect after being killed again, such as a Lich. This way, I'll just keep coming back. My Soul Jar, will of course, be under heavy guard in an unbreachable room, with doors that only be opened from inside. If possible, I will construct multiple Phylacteries.
    1. Disguise is also very effective at keeping one's Phylactery safe. Making them out of simple bricks and throwing them into the construction materials will ensue that they are never found.
  113. If the object in which I have stored most of my power/my life can only be destroyed in one particular area, that area will be heavily guarded 24/7. I don't care how unlikely it is that the heroes would make it there, if there's even a 1 in 1000,000 chance, then it's not worth taking. If the place happens to have only one entrance, it will be guarded by a door that is magically sealed to open only to me and some especially trusted (and probably mind-controlled) minions.
    1. I will make sure never to leave that area unguarded, even if there's some self-proclaimed king of Gondor knocking at my door to taunt me with an army that clearly is no match to mine. As much as I want to throw the bulk of my army at them in response, chances are it's a trap.
  114. If possible, I will hire the Slender Man and CandleJa... herm Mr Candle. Did somebody call my name? I'll be happy to work for you since I have become a Discredited Meme.
  115. My soldiers will immediately destroy any towers and church steeples they encounter, as these are great sniper-blinds.
  116. I will not torture or kill the Hero's True Companions in front of him. This limits the chance that his hidden powers, Deadly Upgrade, or Superpowered Evil Side will activate and kill me. I will take special care not to provoke the hero after I have the fight won. If the hero absolutely must be taken alive, I will do everything in my power to break his resolve, and take no chances at restoring it.
  117. I will have a large group of highly-trained snipers guarding all sides of my fortress from any conceivable angle. One third of them will have laser sights. The rest will have scopes.
  118. All powered armor, mechs, and battleships (both of the seafaring and spacegoing variety) will have point-defenses, even if such measures are largely worthless. Better safe than sorry. Besides, it's the thought that counts, and it will make them think twice about jumping onto the cockpit and firing their gun/insanely overpowered bow at point-blank if an independently-targeted minigun can saw them in half before they even land.
    1. This also applies to my fortress.
  119. Repeat after me: I will not Shoot the Messenger. I will not shoot the messenger. I will not shoot the messenger. No matter how bad the news they have brought me is. While this is an excellent way to enforce my evil credentials, it creates several practical problems. For example, if I kill everyone who brings me bad news such as "the Hero has stolen the MacGuffin", then they will waste valuable response time arguing over who has to tell me. And as I need to hear things like that promptly so I can launch missions to get the Mac Guffin back with speed, or react to any bad news given with similar alacrity, I will be pleasantly apathetic to any messenger, no matter what news they bring. That way, no one will care whether they get messenger duty or not. However, it will be made clear that every messenger must move as fast as they can on pain of severe punishment (or permanent desk duty, whichever they think is worse).
  120. Likewise, the price of failure is not death. That just makes people cover up their failures or even switch sides. The price of failure is a compliment for a good try, a reprimand for a bad try or transfer to a more suitable position. Failure to immediately report your own failure is punishable by death.
  121. I shall avoid the idiocy of that Australian strategist who defected to the Muge Empire and not treat the women who decide to join me out of love as disposable. I also will not be a Bastard Boyfriend to the one I keep and drive her away from me to the point she does a Heel-Face Turn, and if I happen to screw up and leave one alive so she can later hold me at gunpoint, I will not laugh insanely and claim A God Am I. Instead, when she asks me if I really did feel something for her, I will, depending on her gullibility, tell her I did have feelings, I had a change of heart, then get her to join me as another henchwoman, or, assuming she isn't that forgiving, still claim I had feelings for her, but use the time while I frame my response to shoot her before she can reconsider shooting me.
    1. What do you mean "no evil laughing"? Why else does an evil overlord commit atrocities if not For the Lulz? If I must laugh, I will be sure the doors are locked and I am in absolute private.
    2. Excuse me, I shall clarify. I shall do no evil laughing in a situation where some pissed off heroine whose leaning on the fence on whether I need to be shot gets the resolve to do the deed while I'm laughing in her face. An Evil Laugh is perfectly fine as long as I have (A) suckered her into believing me and I'm later by myself or (B) after I shot her and I'm positive that she's dead. Then, I'll laugh all I want.
  122. Rule 4 will be not only my personal guideline, but also an official policy for my troops and guardians. There will also be a policy to always employ Double Tap.
    1. Or, since even that might not be enough, I might as well empty an entire clip into my enemy, just to be safe.
  123. Rather than use the evil fortress approach, I will base my activities out of a reasonably-sized office suite that hosts a variety of offices for more legitimate businesses. The heroes will be unable to attack my fortress that way without being guilty of slaughtering every other innocent person that works there.
  124. I will not employ large, slavering, black three-headed dogs who can be won over with honey to guard my Ultimate Weapon. Rather, I will employ small, fluffy squirrels, who just so happen to eat meat and travel in carnivorous packs, and will massacre the hero before he realizes his folly.
  125. I will never, ever tell any of my minions or henchmen "I don't pay you to think." Yes, it's true that people who think too much might be a threat to my authority, but if I wanted a mindless robot, I'd make or hire a mindless robot.
  126. If my incredible power was gained at the discretion of another being, say a genie, and I have some number of wishes left, when the hero tells me that something (the genie/the nix/whatever I am currently forcing to do my bidding) is more powerful than I am, instead of flying into a jealous rage and wishing to become a more powerful version of that being without any regards for the consequences I will thank the hero for his concern, proceed with killing him, and then carefully weigh the pros and cons of becoming said being.
  127. If I encounter a life-form able to naturally weaponize the greatest weakness of both myself and my minions, I will ascertain if they intend to kill me or simply drive me off. If the former, I will have one captured and have my pet Mad Scientists tailor a plague to them. If the latter, so much the better, as I now have a way to build up an immunity, just pick on them every few days. However, if they act to impede me to a significant degree, and my sibling keeps dumping his/her incredibly loud and bitchy problem child on me, I will assume he/she's using me to permanently dispose of the kid and use it in a virgin-child sacrifice to call forth an entity (or entities) able to dispose of the first group of life-forms. If my sibling keeps his/her brat home, I will use my most incompetent minion.
  128. If there is a hero that has repeatedly foiled my plans in the past, and I have the resources for it, I will consider building a fake stronghold, whether this be an underground lair, floating fortress or orbital space station. I will make it seem as if this fake stronghold is actually the base of my operations, and put a few token guards outside for appearances sake. When the hero attacks the "stronghold" in expectation of a climactic showdown with me, they will instead find the place utterly deserted - save for the ton of explosives set to go off the moment they step inside. This base will also be equipped with blast doors that'll lock down once the guards are clear.
  129. If I hear of a prophecy that says a certain person shall defeat me, I will NOT command my army to go out and kill every person that matches that description. I might end up missing one who'll get mad at my needless slaughtering and come to defeat me.
    1. If said person is a child or doesn't hate me yet, I will take him/her in to train as my fanatically loyal Dragon. This way they won't have a reason to try to kill me, I will get to use their incredible prophesied powers for my own benefit and a chance to quickly get rid of them if things get out of hand.
  130. Should I discover how and thus decide to split my soul, I will NOT keep the parts in unique and glorious items. Instead, I will use grains of sand in the Sahara and the Atlantic Ocean, and a small chunk of ice in the Arctic. And a screw on one of NASA's deep space probes.
    1. Or, if possible, the Earth itself. This would make me functionally immortal, and anyone attempting to kill me would have to destroy the Earth, thereby killing everyone on it, to do it- making me the lesser of two evils.
    2. Alternatively, should I insist on using a unique/glorious/special/etc Soul Jar/s, I will not- repeat NOT- put these in places specific to my past and moments of power, such as a dreary cave where I scared two children from the same orphanage as I into permanent muteness, the old family home, and my old school. Instead, I will hide them in plain sight, such as a trophy room, for nobody would expect me to hide them where they could be easily obtainable.
  131. Should I ever meet the hero, I will instantly pretend to be my own "good" twin, then offer to lead them to my "evil twin's" lair. My mooks will "kidnap" me when we approach, and thus lead the hero and his party into a trap.
  132. I will not have long hair, because it is so very difficult to maintain properly, and because it gets in the way in the same mannerisms as capes. Should I persist in the long hair, I must secure it properly, so that it may not snag or be grabbed by the hero.
  133. I will ensure that birthdays are celebrated adequately, and that there is at least one fun thing every week (eg, Funny Hat Fridays, Sunday Charades, etc). This will improve morale and keep everyone happy and amused. There will always be prizes for anything that could be humiliating. Also, if the hero walks in on a group of people playing charades where someone is impersonating a goose, he will think twice about it being his nemesis's fortress.
  134. I will not create my hideout to look as such, tempting as a large black fortress on a hill with its own weather would be. It will look very normal outside and mostly in, except it will be quite large (on the inside only, naturally). This way, the hero won't be able to pick out my hideout immediately. This is why people make Elaborate Underground Bases.
  135. If a person carrying an oddly-coloured sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the wielder. If the sword is black, I will move to another dimension and never return.
    1. If that person is albino and a Defector from Decadence, I'll kill myself and save him the trouble. And count myself lucky to have got away so lucky.
  136. I will be aware that many of the suggestions on this list are a way of digging my own grave, such as the giant robot that is totally invulnerable (the hero will find some way to turn it on me at some point, taking control of it and leaving me with no way to fight back), and by the same means if there is a weak point the hero will find it. Therefore, I will never invest too much in one thing, and instead diversify, to keep him guessing.
  137. Furthermore, I shall note that as nice as it would be to have a perfect plan with no possible way of going wrong, I will keep in mind that nothing kills my credibility like a case of Orcus on His Throne, and will be sure to be enough a man of action to still get things done, even if everything isn't perfect, and there are still flaws for the heroes to exploit. I'll just keep the plans possible weakpoints in mind, and try to minimize them.
  138. If ever at the mercy of the Hero, I will play up any and all unpleasant childhood experiences I had, whether that involves sexual abuse or that my parents got me a different breed of pony than I had asked for. That way, the Hero will be forced to believe that my evilness is only because of my upbringing and not really my fault at all, giving me the opportunity to escape.
    1. I will not, however, taunt the Hero as I escape by explaining to him just how little my childhood had to do with my evil choices; I may need to exploit this again in the future.
  139. Above and beyond the warning about ventilation ducts, I will not include any structure, area, or design in any of my installations that serves no obvious architectural or aesthetic purpose besides allowing the heroes an alternate path — no catwalks that go nowhere but provide footholds, no entirely pointless machinery to climb, no convenient handholds that serve no obvious purpose besides being convenient handholds.
    1. I WILL however employ such installations as long as they lead into unavoidable death traps.
    2. I will also avoid adding any area to my installations that cannot be accessed by my guards if needed.
  140. A valid alternative to the prior rule on prison keys is to place the Hero in a dungeon filled with loyal mooks disguised as horribly tortured and scarred prisoners. If we are operating on a tight budget, I will simply find very ugly townspeople (Preferably deaf too, Heroes always have a way of getting people to convert over...) who think the hero is a Complete Monster and give them a Savings Bond to be cashed in when I take over the world if they stay in a jail cell for a few hours. I will also be leaving the heroes' key and their keys within view of the hero. Odds are the Goody-Goody is going to try to free all of those poor souls, only to get shanked in the back the second he turns around. This WILL NOT work if we are dealing with a Blood Knight, Anti-Hero, or a Jerkass
  141. If I realize I exist in a video game (particularly a JRPG). I will not:
    1. exploit a stable time loop (Sooner or later, some jackass is gonna try wind up ending the thing).
    2. make a deal with the powers of hell. (It's HELL.)
    3. mess up the balance between good and evil TOO badly (There's always a bigger fish, and usually they are very hungry).
    4. use lucid dreaming to mind control a half human hybrid, Try to destroy the world with the powers of nothingness.
    5. be an insane clown.
    6. Do the Horizontal Monster-Mash with an alien space virus and try to blow up the planet (There are so many less Squicky ways...)
    7. Realize I'm going to die eventually and collapse time so I exist in an ageless state of nothingness. (BOOOORING!)
    8. try to fuse two planets together to rule over both (First one, then the other. Any other way and you're just spreading your resources too thin).
    9. Try to Merge with a world-killing space-whale.
    10. become a god dumb enough to end up in chains.
    11. try to wreck half the planet just to piss off the gods (Preferably, one should get on their good side if they are JerkassGods).
    12. or throw a suicidal temper tantrum that daddy left me and my 1 million siblings alone to run a shitty little utopia in the sky.
    13. ALL of this has been done in the past, and none of them ended well for the Evil Overlords running the show thanks to a combination of Save Scumming, Designated Heroes, The Power of Friendship/Love, et cetera. At best, they should be referenced as lessons on what NOT to do. If Necromancy exists in my Universe, it might be prudent to have a word with these individuals, they may have failed, but they still might have some useful pointers as more experienced Overlords...Except the Clown... (The information will be taken with a grain of salt, after all, they are DEAD).
  142. Even if all my advisors agree that no-one could survive the blow I have just dealt to the hero, I will still chop his head off for good measure.
  143. If I'm ever seriously injured, I will fake being knocked stupid.
  144. There will be large area in my fortress that's used as a habitat for the aforementioned Horny Devils. Chance is, while I would like to have all mook with libido supressed, overcoming the strongest instinct may be impossible. And since neither rape nor harem are allowed in my empire, this area will be where my underlings take a visit when they're in heat. To maximize its usage, it will be impossible to get in inner area of my fortress without passing through this area. Whoever wants to get pass it without get dragged sideways must get my permission first, then there will be robots or golems (depending on setting) sent to escort them. The golems/robots will be built with a rare and precious metal that no rebel would dare thinking about building one from, yet are totally useless otherwise. The dwellers of the Pleasure area will be instructed to not bother with whoever is escorted by the golems/robots, but everyone else coming to this area are free game. I will even put large warning on the entrance, so if those heroes/heroines end up become playthings of the succubi, it won't count as rape.
    1. And if possible, I will import said monsters from the world of The Monster Girl Encyclopedia.
    2. Such entities will be transported in containers clearly marked "200 lbs. RAPE (rush delivery, live animal)", so no-one... screws with them.
  145. If I am told a prophecy that only one of my most trusted lieutenants can ever kill me, I will not order an assassination attempt on their family, thus antagonizing them into wanting to kill me and probably making him into a Hero by default, or order a hit on him that will enrage his family into taking up arms against me. I will instead give them an unlimited credit card that I pay the bill for, under the condition that it will be taken away from them if they move to/stay in my capital city.
    1. This also applies to a prophecy of a certain forest making its way to my fortress. I'll have it clear-cut and turned into lumber, then shipped to a building site in... basically, anywhere but my Empire.
      1. On second thought, I will have a giant barbecue for my subjects. Sending it elsewhere will just have it return in the form of battering rams. The ashes will be disposed of in the ocean, exactly halfway around the world away from me.
  146. All of my robot clones will be built to act like the real thing. Any robot that says something like "Good morning, Steven Ulysses Perhero. I am most definitely your sister, and not a clone designed by The Empire to spy on you." will be sold for scrap.
  147. I will weigh the benefits and drawbacks of owning an outfit made from human skin. On the one hand, it ramps the Intimidation factor Up to Eleven. On the other, any self-respecting human rights organization will not be pleased.
  148. I, too, will learn and master the art of "Quick Save" and "Quick Load." If the hero can manage this in the universe where I rule, surely I can figure it out as well.
  149. In the lobby of my fortress of evil, I will have all my gas-mask wearing, ultra-evil elite mooks stand next to bright red barrels labeled "Danger: Explosive!" The barrels will be filled with a poisonous gas which will not explode when shot, punctured, or thrown at high speed, but will fill the room with the instantly lethal gas, killing those which are not wearing gas masks.
  150. If I use mutated biological supersoldiers, I will not make the prototype my trusted lieutenant, due to being just that; a prototype; they have a tendancy to go insane. After field tests prove successful, I will kill him and raise a more stable, advanced version from infancy like my own child so that they won't grow up resenting me or become apathetic enough to betray their own family. I will tell them bluntly about their origins so they don't Go Mad from the Revelation later in life, but let them know it doesn't matter, and that I love them all the same (this will be a lie, however, forming attachments to someone you intend to send to war against the hero is asking for heartbreak, and engineered supersoldiers can be easily replaced when you have the formula).
    1. Should I mass produce an army of them, I will actively make them weaker, less intelligent and more instinctual than the trusted one so he or she still feels as though they're the best, and the generic ones won't see him/her and become jealous and loathesome of us. As far as the generics go, I will Always adhere to rule 48, just in case.
    2. Should I recieve word my trusted supersoldier has died in the field, I will request them to find their body and make sure they are, in fact, dead before I make a new trusted supersoldier, if they aren't dead and see me with their replacement, it will reveal my lies to both of them, giving me not one, but two new enemies.
  151. Having an ominous music that screams finality, nice as it is, tends to give the heroes the resolve to continue all the way through my citadel and confront me. Instead, when they invade, I will begin playing elevator music, which is much more likely to exhaust and depress the heroes (Resolving music is fine any other time, if you blast elevator music 24/7 your guards will permanently suffer the psychiatric effects of prolonged listening to it, the heroes are the targets, not the legion of evil).
  152. I will hire Asians, African Americans, Women, and Latinos into my Legion of Terror but no white males. When the hero comes to stop me I will inform every single civil rights group and female equality group I can find that there is a sexist white supremacist attacking my employees.
    1. Sorry to poke a hole in your plan, but what if he points out to said organizations that you are being descriminatory yourself?
    2. Scratch this, I will simply be an equal opportunity employer. As long as I have enough of the aforementioned categories in my army I can still play the civil rights card, but the hero will not be able to yell discrimination.
  153. When hiring new employees, I will tell them that their stealth ops uniform is neon pink. Anyone who tells me how impractical that is will be promoted immediately.
  154. I will take a fairly neutral stance on Transhumanism. It will not be mandatory, nor will non-modified citizens be discriminated against. It will also not be illegal to undergo Cyborgization or Bio-Augmentation. That way, I can tell if I'm in a No Transhumanism Allowed Author Tract; and adapt accordingly.
  155. If I catch a case of the Idiot Ball and accept the hero's love interests' offer to become my consort, I shall never stop being suspicious of her, no matter how much time passes. Should she ever ask me the location of my Soul Jar, source of power, or one weakness, I will lie. She should not be able to find out that I have pointed her to a fake easily, lest I lose her loyalty if she is loyal. However, if she attempts to destroy or steal the fake Soul Jar or source of power, it will instantly detonate, taking her down with it.
  156. If one of my Lieutenants turn out to be a Starscream, I will kill him, cut off his head, impale his head on a stake, and nail a sign on said stake that reads: "I do not tolerate double-crossing-back-stabbers", for such people tend to be more trouble then they're worth.
  157. I will Never Ever try to take over the world by using a children's card game.
  158. If I ever start a Monster Protection Racket, the Super Soldiers assigned to it will be mentally conditioned to react to certain words so they never cross me. These phrases will be taught to their handlers, who will be trained to only use them in the most direst of circumstances, in absolute private if at all possible. They will also be extensively studied if they are prone to horrible mutations from over-using their superpowers.
  159. The public will be made fully aware of any genetic engineering attempts, and assured that all subjects are clones of volunteers who are able to successfully be experimented upon, and are not tortured in any way. If this is a lie, any civilian that attempts to enter a testing facility will be escorted out under the lie that the facility workers need absolutely unchanging work environments, or, if unable to be removed, executed. If not a lie, tours through facilities will be permitted following thorough background checks. Said tours are to be reserved no less than one week in advance, so as to improve security of facility, and plan out route to avoid crucial locations within the facility that could be applied to an attack plan.
  160. I will never write an autobiography based entirely in truth.
  161. If I use Gas Mask Mooks, I'll spring for air-supply type masks, rather than filter-cartrige. I mean, as long as we're giving our minions the best equipment we can...
  162. If my minions detect a creature parasitising energy from the entire planet, I will not give into my urge to use it to run my superweapon. I will tell them to build something to kill it, rather than super-parasitizing (a parasite that feeds on another parasite) said entity. Nothing good can come of letting such a creature live, nor will leeching off it end well. We'll see about using it as a battery when it's dead.
  163. If I don't by default, I will treat understanding love, kindness and altruism as mission-critical. If I just can't get it, I will know to quit while I'm ahead.
  164. I will resist building any Humongous Mecha, even if the Applied Phlebotinum required to make them work under the laws of physics is cheap. Chances are it can be used on my smaller, relatively Boring, but Practical weapons such as tanks, missiles, jet aircraft and helicopter gunships just as well, rendering them once again vastly superior.
  165. If my primary enemies are a bunch of female minors with powers based on love, purity and such I will keep in mind that they are specialized in dealing with demons, warlocks, general wickedness and any assorted horrors beyond normal human comprehension but may be completely vulnerable to a bullet (or a missile) in the face. There is no need to meet them on their own terms, though making it appear that way by sending a demonic decoy with my hit squad is certainly an option. I'll also keep in mind that if my enemies are of this descriptions, I am in fact vulnerable to their powers for some reason, and any way of removing this vulnerability will be seriously considered, no matter my Evil Overlord status.
    1. As an added note, if said female minors turn out to be absurdly powerful and said love-based powers include giant energy beams capable of vaporizing multiple city blocks at once, I will ensure that all of my operations from now on are covert, especially if they take the Nanoha method of befriending people. Chances are, if they make friends by beating the hell out of people, what they'd do to a bad guy is NOT pretty to think about.
      1. To add on to the "vaporizing multiple city blocks at once" thing, it might be interesting to run a campaign sensibilizing the general population to the ravages caused by such heroes, playing up the hypocrisy of declaring oneself a warrior of love/friendship/whatever while destroying everything in one's way. It could get the population on my side, which is always good to have.
      2. That said, if I am to vaporize multiple city blocks at once, I'll make sure to do it with faction-neutral (or even better, captured enemy) equipment to make it easier to pass off as being the enemy, instead of burning down city blocks with weapons that are clearly of my faction's manufacture and then trying to pass it off as the opposing faction's.
  166. I will create a centralized licensing and registration system for all blacksmiths/gunsmiths/whoever makes weapons or stuff that can be used as weapons. I will make it illegal for ordinary smithies to sell swords, polearms, pikes, maces, crossbows, guns, and other such weapons. All arms sales will be registered and tracked. They must be done through weapons makers I personally approve of and have licensed and registered. They must pass loyalty and psychiatric tests.
    1. While I will let just about anyone buy a gun, they must pass psychiatric and Hero Trope Tests. All failing will be executed. Also, under no circumstances can any weapons shop sell arms that are as good as or better than what I give my minions. The weapons sold must be either incapable of dependably and effectively killing my minions. Any armor sold must be inferior to what I give my minions.
      1. I will have the only double action firearm in the realm.
  167. All firearms I issue my minions must have several safety mechanisms, I do not want to have people getting hurt by accident, nor do I want for a treasonous person to be able to just lift his gun and kill me without having to take time to ready his gun.
    1. The safeties are as follows (Note: I will not issue my standard Mooks revolvers as they lack most safety mechanisms):
      1. #1: An external safety which prevents the slide from moving and must be manually actuated. This also may prove useful in the case of someone trying to assassinate me by stealing a gun from one of my minions.
      2. #2: An external safety on the grip which forces the user to hold the gun properly. This will improve marksmanship and stop guns from accidentally going off in holsters.
      3. #3: An internal safety which wholly covers the firing pin and blocks the hammer from falling.
      4. #4: An internal safety which blocks the firing pin unless the trigger has enough pressure on it. This will stop the gun from going off in case if it gets dropped.
    2. All guns issued to my minions will be different from anything on the civilian market. No semiauto mimics, models, toys, or weapons operated and shaped the same way.
      1. All users manuals will be made in a language only me and my minions know. Cleaning kits will be issued separately from the guns and minions will be instructed to keep them separate from each other so that even if a gun is stolen, its usefulness will be limited.
      2. There will be regular inspections to make sure that minions are taking proper care of their weapons. Anyone failing to do so will have their pay docked.
      3. All guns used by my minions will be chambered for rounds which only they can use. This will prevent The Hero from stealing the weapons and being able to use them without having to face my army.
      4. If any guns or ammo are reported missing- even if it's a single pistol bullet or a small training carbine, this will be dealt with like a serious emergency.
      5. I will issue bayonets to all troops so that in case if they run out of ammo, they can still fight. Also, executing people with bayonets saves ammo and money.
      6. No railguns or laser guns, as these have less safety features than chemical-cartridge firearms.
  168. No matter how cool they look, mooks will not be issued flamethrowers, as they suck ass from both tactical and strategic standpoints.
    1. I will invest in either a grenade launcher or shotgun (like the M203 or Masterkey) that can perform the rough job of a flamethrower. It's safer, and can do more - after all, flamethrowers only burn. A Shotgun can be used to breach doors, and a 40mm can also fire smoke and high explosives, as well as gas. Flexibility helps.
  169. I will make sure that my Mooks are only issued practical guns. All guns which are tacticool will be sold only to civilians or to foreign lands which I am trying to undermine. Tacticool is where form outweights function to such a degree that the weight of the accessories mounted on the gun is greater than the weight of the weapon when it is loaded.
    1. In general, tacticool implies that something is very superfluous and is unneeded. Therefore, when I and my people are reviewing potential new weapons and models for my army, every single part will have to be labeled and given a purpose. If the part is impractical or extravagant, then it comes off, no questions asked.
      1. Alternatively, I can issue a few Awesome, but Impractical guns to lure the hero to get one and wield it, and subsequently prove no match for the more practical weapons of my minions. However guns that simply explode when fired are and will always be a more effective method.
  170. Above all, I must come across as a Necessary Evil, or I must be a Villain with Good Publicity. Maybe I sacrifice one in ten baby girls born every year, but I do that so that demonic invaders do not flood the realm a-la 40K. If I make it clear to everyone that my regime is the only thing between them and unimaginable horrors, then they will come to the conclusion that living with a Fascist dictator who oppresses them is much better than living in Hell on Earth under the reign of The Devil or any other such enemy of all that I am preferable.
  171. I will consider the pros and cons of sending a loved one into the field where dying is a possibility.
    1. The cons: Villainous BSOD, either from depression or by going into a blind rage at an innoportune time, a single burst of anger can make every precaution on this list moot.
    2. The pros: The Power of Hate isn't something to be messed with, especially when I'm already strong. Shifting from a Complete Monster to a Tragic Monster will make the fans lose sight of who the real bad guy is. As well, when the heroes find said former complete monster mourning over their loved one's corpse, they'll stop for a moment to consider the true horror of what they've done...that's when I open the trap door to the spike pit.
  172. In inclusion to not screaming about immortality, I would do well to remember that in the grand scheme, there isn't such a thing as immortality, you can be invincible, you can be ageless, you can be both, but there will always be a way to shatter the magic and kill you, I will always keep this in mind no matter how assured my victory is.
    1. Before pursuing immortality, I will make sure it's by a means I can turn off when I've had enough. Ruling my empire for a thousand years would be awesome. Outliving the solar system and being stranded in a universe that will eventually succumb to heat death/proton decay/big crunch/big rip would decidedly not.
  173. If I beat the heroes to any sort of McGuffin that doesn't involve my own plans, I'll destroy the thing on the spot, not throw it into my dungeon in an easily accessed spot, the only exception will be if destroying the artifact will remove my powers.
  174. I should note the heroes rarely if ever disrupt my plans as soon as they're getting off the ground. If I delay my plans I can take my sweet time fortifying my fortess, training my legions of evil, and kicking as many kittens as I want.
    1. Which reminds me of the opposite extreme, if the heroes are wandering aimlessly or playing games at a carnival, I shouldn't wait for them to come to me before executing the final stage of my plan, I should just do it while they act like they have all the time in the world.
  175. If The Power of Love is an actual, meta-physical phenomenon in my universe, I will have my mooks paired off and sent out as Battle Couples.
  176. Before I start conquering the world, I shall watch The Simpsons episode "You Only Move Twice". Hank Scorpio may seem like a stereotypical Bond villain, but he knows how to treat his minions employees and so should I.
  177. My guns will look almost exactly like NATO-standard weapons - and not the Steyr AUG, but the M16, M4, FAMAS, anything by FN Herstal, or any other typically "good" weapon. Because those are the weapons of professionals - and while I'll probably have a fair amount of conscripts, but they'll be well trained and taken care of.
    1. These weapons will have the safeties described above, and will also use different ammunition than their identical counterparts, and will only externally resemble them - for instance, it looks like an M14 Carbine with a STANAG magazine, but the inside is a totally different recoil/gas combination operation and it does not fire 5.56x45mm NATO, but some specialized round only my troops use and has penetration more akin to the 5.45x39mm used by the Soviets, if not 5.45mm itself. Sure, it's common, but producing my own ammo comes with a downside: I can't use everyone else's bullets.
  178. The corridor leading to my Artifact of Doom will be full of highly visible, sweeping laser beams that, using a complex pattern of dance moves, can be avoided. Breaking any of these beams will not trigger any alarm though. Their only purpose will be to distract intruders from the grid of invisible laser beams, placed one centimeter from one another, as well as the sound, heat and motion detectors.
    1. Also there will be several fakes dotted in my different bases with the same lethalities around them and any and all transfers of the fakes and real ones should be regarded as if we have the hero chasing us with a gigantic army of the biggest weakness we have, and given maximum security at all times. This will make sure I have multiple strengths and will not be destroyed permanently if the protagonist steals a power focus of mine, I can just kill the hero and get it back in no time.
  179. I will improve on every other villains ideas and potential villains ideas, including but not limited to this list.
  180. I will occasionally try to not be evil to be evil, but to follow the purposes taught at H.I.V.E., any and all proper Genre Savvy-educational facilities, and actually check this Evil Overlord List once in a while. That means villainy, meaning being well capable of actively using all means to get what I want, moral, amoral, or just plain off the scale, and 'evil' is the same thing as getting a little violent, rude, theftious, or otherwise malicious in general to get what you want. The other type of villainy is being evil just to be mean and evil.
  181. Should I attain victory, I will remember Victory Is Boring, and remember to stop myself from creating my own new nemesis just to keep me entertained; sports and video games work just as well to keep me occupied when there's nothing else to conquer.
  182. I will not deny or undermine the effectiveness of cake-based cooking songs as a form of torture.
  183. If I am in a world where there are multiple powers other than myself and my stated goal is not to explicitly to Take Over the World, I will always try to ensure that there is someone else out there who is a worse alternative than myself. In addition to the propaganda value for my minions and subjects, this will open up the opportunity to arrange a truce with the Hero as we take on a common threat. I can then manipulate the situation to my personal gain and relish every delicious moment of the Hero's angsty self-doubt over being forced into making such a morally questionable decision.
    1. If I ever find myself in an Enemy Mine situation, I will not go back on any promises I have made to the Hero, either by actively backstabbing him or by endangering him through deliberate neglect. Being courteous and trustworthy in this one instance may be the only thing that saves me if I ever find myself at his mercy.
      1. I will not accept any one-sided agreements, and I will adhere to the Exact Words of our agreement and no more if doing otherwise does not directly benefit me. If the Hero gets himself killed through his own stupidity then that's one less problem I have to deal with in the future, and if he somehow succeeds then I can rightly claim that helping him in that particular instance was not in our contract.
    2. No matter how tempting it may be, I will not enter into any sort of pact with said worse alternative. Such pacts inevitably end in betrayal, and I will most likely be targeted by the heroes merely by association.
  184. If I rise to power by being a Dragon Ascendant, I will not lash out if my former leader returns, odds are whatever helped him cheat death could turn me into a puddle of molten flesh in an instant. Instead, I'll return to serving him until I find what his weakness is and then direct the heroes to it so I can get him weakened enough to take him out and re-assert my new position (See example above about teaming up to get into the directing part further).
  185. I will not use a horde of tiny killing machines to pacify a planet. Especially if the item that makes them ignore my troops has to be calibrated every so often.
  186. If I use any sort of obscenely long and complicated deathtrap, I will make sure that, should escape ever be possible, I will have had it personally implemented. That way, when the hero thinks he's been smart and escaped through the Absurdly Spacious Sewer, or wherever it may lead, I will be waiting. With a gun.
    1. If I've had to flee, my trusted lieutenant will be waiting. With a bigger gun.
  187. Mind Control: None of it, EVER, even the most complex mind control can be broken easily with a bit of effort, Love/Friends or what have you, and merely the act of doing it will send you down a very, very quick spiral to a Karmic Death.
  188. If I absolutely must have brainwashed henchmen, I will not give them the keys to my inner chambers.
  189. Before I send my assassins to kill someone I will give them bags full of hair trimmings my mooks have collected from the local barber shop or other random genetic material to contaminate the crime scene with. This shows I care about the well-being of my employees so they are less likely to betray me. Besides good assassins are hard to come by.
    1. Of course, if the assassin is a good one then chances are that they will already have taken measures to ensure that they are not found, so giving them the bag of genetic material would be an insult to their professionalism, which may result in my loss of the services of the assassin, so giving it to them would be counterproductive.
      1. Also, this ensures that the bad assassins don't stay in the business, and that there is one fewer thing for me to worry about.
  190. I will keep up good PR. If I find out a child has been orphaned, I shall take him in and politely ask if any family in the land can take him in. Until such time happens, I shall teach this child and spend time with him. This puts me off as a ruler who cares for his subjects. Any people convicted of a crime, except for ones such as rape or murder, shall be given a one time pardon, putting up a merciful mask. I will also make sure everyone can have a job, house, food, etc., and all poverty stricken areas are given immediate detection. That way, when said Hero or Rebel faction walks into the town to try and recruit, people will report him to the guards stationed nearby. After all, if your people are happy having you as a leader, why would they want to rebel against you?
  191. If I find out that said prophecized person has been born in a village/town/city, I will immediately give that city my full attention. I shall repair all buildings, sewers, and public buildings. I shall set it up so said Hero's father is governor of that area, and constantly send that family, along with other Governor's families so not to make them jealous, gifts or supplies. I shall take special intrest in said Hero, raising him to become one of my trusted lieutenants, that way if he does eventually turn on me, I can distract him long enough of how I helped his entire family, and while he contemplates all I've done for him, promptly shoot him.
  192. I will not believe any quote on the Tvtropes Additional Vows, as they are all lies.
  193. I will remember the power of hope is not the exclusive virtue of the good guys (see Warhammer40000).
  194. If The Hero attempts to construct or use mecha, I will first see where my universe stands on the sliding scales of seriousness versus silliness as well as the sliding scale of scientific hardness or softness. I will then respond accordingly.
    1. In a silly universe, I will take advantage of the world's natural silliness. I will counter the the heroe's mecha by doing something silly like make it fall over a banana peel or bind all its legs with duct tape.
    2. In a scientifically soft universe, I will go after enemy mecha with my own mecha using new, flashier designed painted red. Swords will be standard issue.
    3. In a scientifically hard universe, I will do my best to avoid direct confrontations with enemy mecha. Rather, I will target the necessary but often undefended things that are needed for mecha, like production facilities, training centers, munitions plants, supply lines for the pilots, the ground crew, possible staging bases, and everything to do with fuel. Sure, a good pilot can flatten my mooks and Tank Goodness, but let's see him face my army when he's out of ammo, fuel, and spare parts.
      1. Never let The Hero have one on one mecha fights. He always wins. If I have mecha, then it is to be organized into coordinated, tactically trained teams of professionals who operate under the command of an ace and a real time battlefield intelligence center. They will also be given air and infantry support.
    4. I will never use mecha or tanks inside a city. There are too many places where they can get trapped or ambushed. For this sort of thing, infantry with close air support is much better.
    5. My mecha designs will vary based on the nature of the world.
      1. In worlds with greater allowance for fantasy, I will create designs that are appropriate. Super robots will be made accordingly. I will also not deliberately make a Super Prototype mech or two and make the rest all comparatively worthless. Remember, super prototypes are always stolen by the enemy, or otherwise studied, copied, and then used against me.
      2. In more realistic worlds, I will hold onto the same lessons. My designs will trend more towards Mini-Mecha than Humongous Mecha. They will also be meant for higher mobility and as such, wheels may be used.
  195. If possible and practical my one-winged angel will look like something that, instead of on the side of good or justice, harmless and rather relaxed but still retains all the power of the One-Winged Angel. If I turn into the general red-skinned devil, that is generally a red alert that I am evil, and if I turn into an angel then while I might deal a good deal of confusion on your enemy, I am still identifying myself as one who wishes to and has the power to harm or hinder to the hero. If I turn into, say, an anthropomorphic garden frog and then act laid back when confronting the hero in my new form, they will probably be confused at that moment allows me to unleash an attack that can severely cripple them. Not only that, but overall it's harder to take seriously when you are facing something that looks more goofy than what you would normally expect to see as a final form.
    1. It might also be useful to pretend that I don't have any memory of my former self in my One-Winged Angel. If I can pull it off convincingly enough, they might just believe that I might be good to have around them as one of their own allies and I could learn information or get close items that swiping would do my cause more good in the end.
      1. Also, depending on circumstances, the heroes might not tell anybody about my true background for one reason or another, meaning that if I can play it off my memory loss well enough, only the party of heroes will actually know of my background, and that would be a very good position to be in if I can find a way to get into contact with my empire without the heroes finding out.
  196. I will impress on my mooks that stuffing an item down the crotch of your pants/underwear is a perfectly legitimate strategy for keeping it from the hero if the item is fit for it. I will make sure that a distinction is made, so that they know that paper is well hidden by this tactic, but the eyeball of a cyclops most likely won't work unless all the male mooks in the area naturally have a bunch of ungodly large crotch areas. If the world I am in isn't built on a fetish source then the crotch of pants/underwear is mostly likely not going to be searched, much less guessed as the hiding place of the important item/paper/notes that was supposed to be there.
    1. Also, depending on the setting, it is possible that even if the hero and his party know where it is/where to look for it, they won't dare do it.
  197. Self-preservation will always come before the plan, if I fail and everything starts to come down around me, I will not let pride get the better of me and go down with the ship or commit suicide, I'll drop what I'm doing and escape immediately.
  198. I will never underestimate the advantages of good intel and high power sniper rifles. It may not be chivalrous or fair to shoot the hero in the back from miles away but I am more likely to succeed this way. If it does not work I will carry on trying at random intervals.
  199. As an addendum to the vampire list farther up, if I'm any sort of creature that procreates by a Viral Transformation, I won't go changing people like mad just because I want the population up. They'll either; A). try to kill me if they embrace their nature so they can take my place. Or B). Loathe me for turning them against their will. In either case, if infecting for the sake of procreating is the only option instead of...other ways, I'll show extreme discretion, only change the willing, and/or wait until I'm significantly powerful enough to stave off any attempts on my life.
    1. I will also not sire any half-breeds if procreation by reproduction is an option, I'll make my lover understand that having a half-breed son will end in my death and try to convince her to turn willingly.
      1. If I do fall for my human lover's wiles and sire a half-breed, I'll raise him in a loving family and impress on him that eating people isn't something I like to do, but must do because of my nature. Even if I don't believe the words coming out of my mouth, it's important that my child does, because this will make it almost impossible for them to raise a blade to me.
  200. I'll keep in mind which side of the gun usefulness spectrums the universe is on and train my minions accordingly.
  201. My empire will embrace diversity and equality. No one will be discriminated against, because that leads to resentment, and we all know where that leads. Evil is equal opportunity. I will not hesitate to point out that the Hero's team is all or almost all young adult, human, white, male, English-speaking, Christian, pretty, athletic-looking, heterosexual, non-bolding, extroverted, able-bodied, non-retarded, hearing, sighted, non-twins, binary gender and without criminal record -whatever fits. His team is small and he cannot have token people for all types I could argue he discriminates against. With a bit of media control I can convince the public that stuff like "single-birth bias", "cis-gender privilege" and "non-tall discrimination" in the hero's team is the real problem, not the fact that my team is doing outright evil. I will practice saying such things with a straight face -because that is hard.
  202. Refugees from anywhere will be subjected to strenuous background checks and psychological exams, but if they pass, I will make it clear to society that they are to be aided and helped, as they are now fellow citizens of the Empire.
    1. My council of advisors will include people from other nations and people with access to the records of other nations, to better evaluate refugees and make sure no one's smuggling in rebels or assassins.
  203. I will never, ever create technology that can bypass all security and lay bare the secrets of everyone, and drive the users insane so they can be controlled more easily. That shit not only gets you nowhere, it usually ends with rebellions and your creations being used against you.
  204. I will endeavour to ensure that the quality of living for everyone in my empire is as high as possible. The standard of education will be very high, healthcare will be a priority, environmental protection will be encouraged, psychiatric care for everyone will be free, and the legal system will be carefully modified so that the innocent can be detected and the guilty punished.
    1. All cases must have a five-year-old child on the jury. Careful attention is to be paid to everything that child says.
  205. I will encourage parental loyalty, but if there's nothing to be loyal to, the child or children will be placed in foster-care.
    1. I will make sure that all families are treating their children well.
      1. The education system will enforce the idea that families are still families even if they aren't related by blood, so any adopted children do not Wangst about not being in a 'real' family.
  206. I will endeavour to use reason to combat enemy tactics. For example, if a book must be banned because it is enemy propaganda, I will explain why to the public and point out passages that directly oppose the empire's values, or explain the possible consequences of people reading the novel.
  207. I will give all possible aid to allied nations who need it, so that the hero will have trouble finding allies there who oppose me.
  208. If I must kill someone and I know that the public will inevitably hear about it, I will explain why I did it and why it was unavoidable, placing emphasis on any treason, rebellion or other detrimental aspects of the victim's life.
  209. In order to maintain public approval, I will endeavour to present myself at all times as someone who is willing to do their best and to tackle the unavoidable or the undesirable to protect or improve my nation, but not as a fanatic who will go to dangerous extremes or justify everything with 'it's for your own good'.
    1. In addition, I will not insist that everyone in my nation approve of me, as long as they respect me.
  210. I will not kill people just because they don't like me.
    1. Dissenters will be allowed to explain why they are dissenting. If they have a point, I will rectify the problem.
  211. Protestors or political opponents will not be automatically killed. First, I will listen to them and learn about their major point. If they're right, I'll fix it. If they're just stirring up trouble, they will be shot.
    1. An alternative proposal: If someone feels some minor aspect of my rule (critical areas or areas of trust are excepted) is lacking, then I will consider whether or not to place this individual into the task of correcting said aspect. The self-motivated are best appeased by letting them have at it, and it lets me keep an eye on them.
  212. I'll contemplate tossing out a few of these other personalities, their pursuit of genre savviness seems to be edging me more and more towards being a genuinely good leader instead of an evil overlord.
    1. To quote Ben Croshaw:
    "A truly evil ruler would build up a facade' of goodness to lull the people into a false sense of security, then BAM! off-world slavery."
    1. As well, even if I don't intend to go as far as off-world slavery, I'm going to make a clear distinction about the job to everybody. I am an evil overlord, not a Jerkass by trade. If I must or want to kick a few puppies, so be it. But if I can prevent making everybody so unhappy that a HERO CAN COME ALONG AND GET EVERYBODY TO RALLY AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF MY BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THEM, then I'm all the better for it. Nothing wrong with a doomsday plot here, or a mass murdering there, but because my long-term goal is to become an overlord rather than a villain, having people who actually like me would help in the long run.
  213. I will not live in my fortress, instead, I will hide in my grandmother's basement and have my fortress presided over by a robotic replica of someone I hate. This robot will do all the dirty work and, with luck, get killed by the heroes while I am safe to watch them hack it up.
  214. I will not make any prison inescapable,in case I am trapped in it.
    1. What if the hero escapes using this method?
    2. I will avoid getting trapped then.
    3. not going to work.
      1. You can design an inescapeable prison with one exception of the one "darkest cell" at "lowest level" which as an Evil Overlord you would probably end in. You can design it so that it's doors are extreamly difficult to open yet there is a hidden way outside - thus if someone is escaping from anywhere else he won't be able to use that way.
        1. There can be some wisdom to having a cell for my personal use. For this one cell only, there will be a secret one-way passage to some distance outside my lair if necessary (this makes it handy for me when I must seek another lair but inconvenient for heroes), but the point of the cell is that it will have all the bars and bolts on the inside. A certain Discworld potentate of mixed repute finds this technique to be rather handy when running the risk of being overthrown every so often.
  215. If I am forced to have computers with password rather than the much more logical fingerprint/vocal interfaces, the passwords on all of them will be varying combinations of four regular words, as per XKCD. The passwords for these computers will be unique to all of my employees, and those who cannot remember their password will be restrained and examined by the best forensic investigators I can get (who will be provided with detailed descriptions of everyone who works with The Hero), before I will even consider reissuing a password. (If one of The Hero's partners can shape-shift, passwords will not be reissued).
  216. I'll be on the look out for the Decoy Protagonist, if someone threatening my regime goes down quickly enough that I say "That was too easy." I'm probably right. I'll immediately investigate the family ties related to the person I just killed and go over the rest of the list to pick out the one who will most likely grow to be the revenge-seeking hero and act accordingly.
  217. I'll also be on the lookout for the Supporting Protagonist, if my spies reveal the leader of the Five-Man Band coming for me doesn't have any real, discernable reason for wanting my death besides the generic evil overlord deeds, I'll direct my resources away from him to the others and try to find out who the real hero/chosen one among them is.
  218. Continuing from this one: "I will not offer a bounty for the hero's capture. Henchmen have a pesky tendency to fight each other over these rewards."
    1. If I must offer a bounty, I will spread it evenly among the henchman should one find him, as well as giving them a greater reward than a civilian. This has the added benefit of being a great campaign for henchmanship, increasing my evil army. Of course, these henchman will still be checked to ensure competence and allegiance.
  219. I will always assume that my evil plans can fail at any given point, whether it be anywhere from before it begins to moments before it's completion, and plan accordingly. Also, I will keep Murphy's law in mind.
    1. Also, I will remember that contrary to popular belief, a sufficiently Genre Savvy or merely competent hero CAN stop stage one.
  220. I will allow free speech, religion, and buisness decisions in my empire. People may come and go as they please, and the people shall be treated the same. Taxation will also be done fairly, with each person who works having to give 10-30% percent of their paycheck to the empire. Public works and attractions shall be maintained every hour on the hour, and anyone may rise up to a position of power. Also, abusment of power shall be harshly judged, and anyone who was hurt shall be taken care of. All of this shall be done so as to quell down any thoughts of rebellion, and even keep people in. After all, better to live in an empire that takes care of you justly and fairly and treats you with respect, than live somewhere that doesn't.
  221. I will do my research and ensure that my opponent does not believe in an entity that grants him multiple lives. If so, I will find a way to get rid of his additional lives before facing him. After all, finding out only during a battle usually leads to ''unpleasant'' surprises and death.
  222. If I steal something of value from the hero, I won't upgrade it for my own personal use, eventually the hero will wind up taking it back, and not only will he have an upgraded item made with my resources, but if it's a technological item, he'll also have a feel for the specific designs of my army, giving him a crippling advantage and knowledge of any weak points.
  223. If I have the hero's group in a small prison. I will remember to order my guards that if a member of the group, particularly one who's of the "trying-to-be-funny" sort, trys to grab their attention with an sort of on-the-spot routine, he/she will be shot in the leg or ignored altogether (the same goes for a female seductress or anyone complaining of stomach cramps or snake bites). They should also remember not to allow any simple-minded creatures get close to anything that could probably release the heros.
  224. I will not kill infants, especially that one prophesized to defeat me. Instead I will make that infant my immediate Heir Apparrent and have him guarded with my best solders. All too many evil overlords have fallen into the trap of trying to kill a child that would otherwise never have been a threat to him and made him into one. Instead I will fulfill the letter of the prophesy by making a contest where children can usually defeat adults: tickle war, memory, hungry hippos, arcade game whatever -just keep doing it until the kid finally wins. Then, I make a big show of how I indeed got defeated and the prophesy is now fulfilled. Then I gag the goddamn prophet before he comes up with another prophecy and sentence him to death for witchcraft and blatantly endangering a child and execute him immediately and carefully. For extra fun, I could come up with a bogus last prophecy he made to distract my enemies and boost your own troops' morale. Such as saying that the last words of the prophet was that I cannot be defeated by anyone except a hero who has a birthmark shaped like the entire text of the eight first paragraphs of the Bible.
    1. Nor will I ever force randomly selected teenagers to fight to the death as a national spectacle, That never ends well.
    2. Nor will viewing any national spectacle be compulsory.
  225. In the event that the hero somehow gets his way into my lair, I will disguise myself as a butler, have my butler pretend to be me, and once he kills the butler, and has his moment of triumph, i will kill him with a simple shot to the back of the head.
  226. I will remember that my Elite Mooks who have never lost a battle, can still be defeated. Too many Evil Overlords have relied too heavily on them and are soon left with no elite warriors after the Hero eventually kills them.
  227. If I ever battle an enemy country's soldiers, and they only send some 1000 or less to face my 10000, I will not laugh at their pathetic efforts to beat me, and tell my soldiers that the enemy will easily be overcome. It will be made clear that these soldiers are probably some of the best warriors this country has to offer. I shall also take a look at the terrain of where we are going to battle, and take as many precautions as possible. I shall also not ride out in a carriage or other vehicle to watch the battle, that would only get me killed. And finally, I shall make sure my Legions of Doom have a full understanding of the Battle of Thermopylae, and know that even though numbers will eventually overwhelm, skill will be able to overtake most of these numbers easily. I will also keep in mind this might be a trap and there might be more enemies than are immediately visible.
  228. I will understand that sexual slavery is reprehensible, demeaning and may well cause me to cross the Moral Event Horizon. Thus, I will not attempt to force my intentions on the hero's love interest, and under no circumstances will I permit him/her to hold onto any object that could be used as an improvised weapon whilst she is in my presence.
  229. If I have a monster or spell that can turn my enemies into stone, I will not put all of my statues on display in my lair where the heroes can bring them back to normal. I will either destroy the statues so my victims are Deader than Dead, or sell them to art connoisseurs so I can make a profit out of my enemies' demise.
    1. If I sell them though, I'll cut the heads off, just in case the museum owner gets curious about if they're real under there or not.
    2. Failing that, I will hide the statue somewhere no one would ever think to look for it, or even learn it exists. The last thing I need is my Eviler than Thou predecessor being released by some asstarded coincidence like kids arguing next to it.
    3. I will never admit to subjecting people to this fate if the victim remains conscious. And I Must Scream is rather high on the list of Moral Event Horizon violations.
    4. If I do not have this ability, faking it can be fun and a terrifying scare tactic. I privately kill and cremate defeated enemies and publicly bury the ashes with full honors and then have a skilled sculptor make statues of them to further honor them -I like being generous to dead enemies, they are the best kind. Then I specifically deny that the statues are petrified people and state that they certainly do not contain the tormented souls of my defeated enemies. I am honoring my enemies, certainly not tormenting their souls. The wailing sometimes heard at night in the statue gallery is just the wind and the drops of water in the statues' faces is just moist -certainly not tears. A guided tour of my lovely gallery of statues is compulsory for anyone who could possibly betray me. I like to introduce my trusted coworkers to the wonderful world of art -wonderful in itself but also so good for morale and teambuilding.

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