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Just For Fun: TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows Cellblock A

  • If I am able to do so safely at any opportunity, I will take the action of killing or disabling (or demotivating) The Hero or The Protagonist or The Watson or their allies by my own hands and take the precaution of looking after them and finding them or their allies, and knowing for myself that they aren't using a body double or imitator or robot/android of some sort, rather than arranging some contrived plan, such as preparing or having someone bring us poisoned drinks.
    • While doing so, I should have already taken such measures as witnessing that a hero/protagonist is disarmed or either unwilling to try or incapable of resisting for myself and that there are no negative repercussions that could possibly arise (such as their deaths prompting an insurrection) so as to ensure that there's no way in hell the heroes can claim any victory in opposing me.
  • I will never, under any circumstances, reveal information to any of my enemies that could be used against me or for the benefit of my enemies in a villainous exposition if I have no reason for (nothing to gain from) doing so, such as Tom Riddle explaining the fact of him being Voldemort and resurrecting himself from a notebook just for the sake of boasting right before his plans were about to come to fruition.
  • I will never do anything I don't need to that could result in the loss of the audience's sympathy.
  • On a regular basis, my guards and staff will interact socially, that way when someone shows up and claims to be the new guy, my guards can answer "I didn't see you at the 8 o'clock meeting" and shoot the intruder.
  • Before starting any conquest, plot to claim the world, or the like, I will evaluate the world I am in, considering the setting, genre, and overall environment, both in-universe and out. I will then begin writing my own list of rules dictating what I should or shouldn't do. This list will be divided into sections on every conceivable topic, to be added to as I find, learn, or make up more rules. Then I will go through this list and find anything that applies to me that I don't already have and add it. As soon as I get any advisers, I will assign them to the task of making their own personal lists and adding onto mine (with all additions to be approved by me, of course) Above all, I will remember that the rules in these lists- both the in-universe ones and the online ones- will not apply in every situation, open to modification (after lengthy consideration), and, above all, are guidelines.
  • As I understand that children can be happening even for a well prepared overlord. Should I somehow end up having a child. I'd use as many of my powers as possible to make my child happy and well educated. Trying to deny my child's existence would only cause my downfall eventually. Therefore I'd rather have a spoiled brat which I can count on in case I'd fall, than having my unloved child joining forces with the The Hero out of revenge.
    • As soon as my child is old enough, I'd teach them how to be a good overlord.
      • I'd also make it clear that whatever happens, Daddy/Mummy will support their choice of romantic partner. If they are happy with one of my enemies, I am more than willing to bury the hatchet and welcome a new in-law. This way I would avoid any chance that the Hero/Heroine could ever subvert my child/children. If they keep trying to kill me even after my heir tells them that I would bless the marriage, they are the ones who would look like evil bastards. Same happens when they try to execute me or throw me in jail for my crimes.
  • I will never, ever, at any point, underestimate The Hero. Even if he/she is soaking in a pool of their own blood surrounded by my troops, I will make sure he is executed and his/her remains destroyed, thus leaving no trace for he/she to return and ruin my plans. Should I succeed in doing so, I WILL be expecting the hero's past self to come thru time travel, or any of their relatives/friends to show up. I will also deeply worry that the hero left some hidden device somewhere to still defeat me.
  • I will always try to be known as the hero. That way I can disguise myself as a Well-Intentioned Extremist trying to fight the Designated Hero.
  • In the storage area of my Fortress of Evil all barrels or boxes containing flammable or explosive substances will be painted in a rusty-brown colour and have no warning labels on them. Containers painted in red will instead be made of bulletproof materials, contain non hazardous substances, and have "Flammable" or Explosive" labels on them. This will fool the hero to take cover behind the explosive barrels or boxes since they seem old and unlikely to contain something dangerous.
    • All of my mooks will be instructed to take cover behind the red non-lethal barrels and to avoid the rusty-brown ones if they are under attack by the hero.
    • He will also eagerly waste ammunition on the red barrels, as my minions take cover behind them, in an attempt to blow them up.
  • Whenever a vehicle leaves (or enter) my evil fortress, I'll make sure to check every single item inside properly. Furthermore, I'd stab all items, that can handle being penetrated by my pitchfork. I'd especially inspect those meant for transportation such as garbage trucks.
  • If, by any chance, I'd have to interrogate the hero, and a slap in the face isn't enough, I wouldn't even bother, it's just not worth it. I'd rather hire an expert.
  • If I am facing down a Heroic Priest or Monk I will never, ever, pause just before killing him and tempt fate with such words as "Let your God smite me if you cannot," or "Where is your God now, hero?" In the best case scenario this will only serve to infuriate religious peasants and start an uprising. In the case of Acceptable Religious Targets I may make an exception.
    • Likewise, that's just Tempting Fate. If there's any point where said deity will intervene, it's right after I said it.
  • If the Hero mowing down my Legions of Terror wouldn't last five minutes against my own unholy might, I will invest those five minutes.
  • I will not use slave labor for any task better suited to machinery.
    • Also, I will not make the machines smart enought to rebel.
    • However, in an urban or industrial setting, I should be cautious so as not to over-mechanize my society, particularly if this would render a large population of citizens unemployed. Keeping plebs downtrodden and impoverished is fine, but if there are no jobs or no ways to make ends meet then heroes are always more likely to emerge or find sympathy. People in these slums or towns are far less likely to revolt if they're too busy working all day.
      • If my automation technology is advanced enough to cause significant problems with unemployment, I will offer unemployed people work as Mooks in my legions. If they refuse, I will remind myself that I'm evil and have no use for bums on welfare, and arrange for them to find "employment" elsewhere.
  • If I have a monster too tough for the Hero's weaponry to hurt, I will never put it in a room with weapons, devices or explosives which CAN hurt it. If possible, the room shall be as bare as possible with no possible implements that could be extracted from the ground or wall. After all, MacGyvering is becoming an increasingly-common hero talent.
  • An unfamiliar weapon is difficult to fight against. Therefore, my own weapon will be rare and ill-known—or better yet, my own invention in the first place. They will be however dipped in transparent/invisible poison with no odor that me and my minions are immune to. Should he get it or kill me anyhow, a hidden dead man's switch device can be useful if I am known for coming back from the dead reliably but the hero is not. Especially if he has faux self-destruct sequences to deactivate (one per hero ally, plus one locations) to worry about first, who all start at 1 second left to make sure he has a bit of overconfidence at that moment. ...then my killsat will fire.
  • I will not use a ritual to grant great power to a few select Doom Troops when I can use the same ritual to grant great power to ALL my Doom Troops.
    • The moment I'm sure it's safe I'll also grant this power to myself. Twice if possible.
  • I will have traps on any surface the Heroes can reach and step on—including the walls and ceiling, depending on their powers.
  • I will constantly have several useful, but superfluous plans in motion, with much less security than my actual plans. If they succeed I shall turn a profit, if not then the hero has just wasted valuable time stopping them.
    • I shall also remember to give these plans just enough security that the hero never says "This is too easy."
  • Whenever I take over another nation or country, I won't force them to give up their beliefs and follow mine; Instead, I'll simply introduce my customs and they will catch on soon enough, like Rome did. It worked well enough for them, after all.
  • I will keep all my underlings well paid and give them good working conditions to avoid disgruntled workers being led by the hero into a rebellion. This will include a dental plan.
  • I shall immediately inquire into the all possibilities concerning Breaking the Fourth Wall, and delivering a Hannibal Lecture to the author. Creator Breakdown is almost always more detrimental to the heroes than me.
    • Amendment: I shall make as many well timed (not in the heat of battle) Hannibal Lectures in the hopes that I get at least a few to my writers. And possibly that I can convert some of my enemies. Or at least make sure my own troops know why we are fighting.
  • I shall always attack the heroes with one or two of my best men. That, or screw Mook Chivalry and mob him.
  • I will remember that any enemy soldiers that are not the hero or in the hero's company are incapable of reliably capturing me, killing me, or otherwise doing anything that could jeopardize my health or my ability to be an Evil Overlord. Therefore, I will face an entire army of tanks, snipers, choppers, and planes instead of facing The Hero if I am given the alternatives.
  • I will read Machiavelli's The Prince, before taking over anything, country, world, or otherwise. I will remember that Machiavelli never took over the world, nor built an empire that would last forever. Therefore, I will need to make some improvements to his ideas. I will also consider the possibility that Machiavelli's The Prince is satire.
  • I will know that the best defence is the status quo, so I will use it against the hero and do everything in my power to maintain it.
  • If I have, indeed, taken over the world and wish to secure my presence, I will supplement my Machiavelli with some Foucault.
  • I will not name my feline companion animal something frilly, feminine, starting with 'Mr.' or even something remotely good and TOTALLY NOT EVIL, like Sir Fluffernutter. No. Instead, I will name it something dangerous, menacing, and most definitely evil, like Hawkfrost. Better yet, I'll have a trained bear. Or perhaps I will use swans instead. The Hero and most other people seem to believe swans are graceful and innocent, so they'll be quite shocked when the swans reveal their true nature and attack them anyway. Furthermore, If I should lose my companion animal, I will immediately plan and implement revenge, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES sob, shout "'NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" or otherwise enter a state of dramatic denial that could distract me from current developments. Being evil means I can have no strong emotional attachment to anyone, animals included.
    • The ideal Animal Companion, if it is at all possible to obtain one, would be a Unicorn. Everyone knows Unicorns are beautiful graceful creatures, but nobody ever seems to realise the potential an animal faster and stronger than a man, with a tenuous grip on reality and a massive spike on the front, has to kill enemies. Also its a pretty much surefire way to provoke awe in my subjects, as no one is going to forget seeing their Overlord ride past on a Unicorn.
  • On my secret computer, there will be a link to tvtropes that says "My Evil Plans". That way, if the heroes find it, it will distract them while I load my pistol. There is a possibility he (or she) will stumble across the Evil Overlord List (heroes are always very lucky) so instead we'll hyperlink it to 4chan. Alternatively, I would make the index page of the folder accessible, but all the links branch out over Shock Sites, the Encyclopedia Dramatica, and gurochan. A handy memory wiper will be provided after they finished trying all the links, for the hero to bleach their brain of the horrors within, as well as all those other troublesome memories about trying to stop me. Did I mention that the wiper will not work on myself or my most trusted?
    • Nah. Even my most trusted can still be turned. Just me.
  • I will NOT be a Blood Knight. It makes no sense to drag out fights against the hero just so I can enjoy the fight. That's what gets foolish overlords killed.
    • I will not hire a Blood Knight. Soon as he finds out that I might be a greater fight than the hero, he will inevitably pull a Heel-Face Turn just so he can fight the better warrior.
    • If The Hero is a Blood Knight or allied with one I will not attempt to combat them through sheer power.
    • If I wanted to enjoy a fight, I will use a VR simulator with sufficient safety precautions taken. If there's one thing I learned from "The Tortoise and the Hare", it's that you can either compete or you can fuck around. Not both.
  • If I am holding the hero's girlfriend hostage in exchange for a powerful artifact and the hero ACTUALLY follows through with things, I won't be stupid and kill her and him both just because I feel like it. Instead, I will hand back the hero's girlfriend and escort them out with a large number of soldiers all armed with machine guns who can actually hit the heroes if they try to resist. They will also be trained never to fire if an ally is standing on the other side of the hero. Additional: Make it clear that any ally who stands by the heroes when they go through the machine-gun corridor gets what's coming to them.
  • My evil minions will be trained to never say the phrase "It's Probably Nothing" with any serious meaning. In fact, I will make it (and any similar sayings) into code-words for "The hero is here; sound the alarm and bring in reinforcements." Likewise, the "Coast Clear" signal will be replaced with "Aha! I found you!"
  • My Legion of Terror will use weapons that can go through their own body armor to make sure the hero can't use them as human shields. This will also make killing him easier if the hero puts on the uniform of one of my minions in an attempt to blend in. I will make it possible to alter this so that The Hero cannot "switch frequencies" and make my minions defenseless.
    • Screw that, heroes always steal weapons from defeated Mooks. Instead, I will install a remotely-activated stun weapon on each suit's skin, so if the hero tries to pick up one of my minions, he will be electrocuted. Said weapon will also be available on the inside of the suits, in case the hero puts one on. If at all possible, I will ensure that these stun weapons are vital to the suit's function, and that the hero cannot activate them himself without getting himself electrocuted.
  • I will hire a live band to play my theme song during my moment of glory. A CD, cassette tape, the player and/or the speakers may malfunction while I am gloating, and that just ruins the mood. However, said band will be required to be well-known enough that any mook could tell if the heroes have knocked one of them out to take their uniform. Support of local talent is fine, but it's better to immediately know if Bono or The Edge don't look like they're supposed to.
    • I will also ensure that every member of the band is a corporate sell-out with no history of activism. Such people are dangerous, and there's nothing more humiliating when I have The Hero in my clutches and the world at my mercy than to be clotheslined by an idealistic guitar player.
    • I will check the background of their stage crew and manager, too. Such people are known to be greedy and amoral, but you can never be too careful.
    • I will also assure that my henchmen are not die-hard fans of that band. You give a minion a piece of the merchandise and they will fawn all over it.
    • If the above would be too expensive to manage, I will say "Screw it" and toss instruments at some mooks with musical talent. Better yet, toss them instruments with some function in case the hero suddenly shows up.
      • Even better, I will train my own squad of henchmen (or a couple dozen) to use sound-based magic, weapons, and techniques. Not only do I solve the band problem, but I now have a specialized squad with unconventional weapons and magic. On top of that, if the hero happens to use these music-based attacks, or has someone in his entourage that does, I have troops that know how to fight them. Come to think of it, I've always wanted to play the guitar...
  • I will watch/read movies, television shows, anime and books with bigtime badasses. I will take note of their mistakes and try to avoid them.
    • Which is what this list is all about.
      • If I do actually choose to learn things this way rather than just by picking up the latest Overlord Monthly, then I will do it in order to carefully note every difference between reality and fiction and incorporate them into my evil plan. Assuming that the hero has read these books too, I can then easily trick him into thinking that he is onto my every move. Of course, what he'll be doing will play directly into my hands instead.
  • If the hero utters any cliche catchphrase, I will shoot him immediately. Chances are, he will end up succeeding in his goal just like everyone else who had uttered the same catchphrase. Even if he wasn't about to succeed, the cliche alone justifies his death.
  • Note to self: schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist. Upon reading back over my list, some parts of it directly contradict each other, and in fact read as though two or more distinct personalities were having an argument.
    • Never mind. We're—,I mean I'm fine.
    • Mostly.
    • I will still, however, see a psychiatrist, or at the very least a memory expert. I seem to be making the same points twice on these lists.
    • If I DO have split personalities, I shall go back and check all items in which I reassure myself of trusting only me, and make a point of doubting myself until I am sure of the my other personalities' agendas, however I must not reveal this to others, or seem unsure at any moment, lest my enemies take advantage of this.
    • After review, it seems like a good idea to keep that appointment. I should not have any character quirks that can easily be taken advantage of.
  • If I'm ever head of a conspiracy, and there is an Agent Mulder type catching on, I will not assign an Agent Scully to keep him in check. This rarely ends well, because the Agent Mulder can actually hold onto proof and the Agent Scully will make them sound less insane to others.
  • If I feel the need to assign an Agent Scully, I will keep them under the same no-abduction (alien or otherwise) policy as the Agent Mulder. Otherwise, they'll manage to get captured by my men in black or aliens or something, so the Agent Mulder doesn't sound insane to them because of it.
  • I will not drink. It impairs judgment. Or do drugs. It's only useful to pretend to be high. Anything else gives the hero an opportunity to shoot me.
  • If there is a poison in development that is supposed to be untraceable, it will go under extensive field testing. It will not be issued to every single person in my organization until then.
  • If someone uses the above poison beforehand, they will be censured immediately, unless they can give me proof that the guy is dead (corpse, autopsy, etc.)
  • I will not make my organization a serve-or-die type. If that happens, people get resentful and help The Hero. If they wish to leave, they may, if they don't say a word about it. However, it will be made clear that should they violate the non-disclosure agreement, their lives are forfeit.
    • Exception: people who would be incredibly useful to the hero.
    • Likewise I will not send them on impossible missions. Nor will I become incensed and kill them if they fail, if such a mission is ever necessary.
    • Additionally, if minions fail or decide to leave (and submit their resignation rather than just running), they will be debriefed first. Even if they are to be shot later, I might as well get some final use out of them.
    • All who wish to quit but remain alive are required to use Brain Bleach as part of their debriefing since I can't even trust debriefers.
  • I will not have any friends that I actually value. That way, I won't go batshit insane if my so-called "friends" turn on me and do stuff like get rid of all my henchmen in my paranoia. Alternatively, I will have them and I will not treat them like shit. I will treat them the same way the hero treats his True Companions. This will have the added advantage of making them into Morality Pets (false ones if necessary), so that there is a possibility I will become an Ensemble Dark Horse and gain Contractual Immortality. Also, if I have to kill their ex-boyfriends, I will first ensure said friends consider themselves scorned. That way, they'll help me.
  • My mooks will be taught to get along with each other to the point that they can use The Power of Friendship against a more heroic group of True Companions.
  • No matter how much it helps the atmosphere, my harem will not have a bunch of cushions everywhere, candlelight for its only light source and curtains for doors. It will be set up like a hotel, with real doors that lock, and security outside. Curtains, candles, and cushions are for inside.
    • The room labeled "Harem" will be filled with Amazons loyal to me. When the hero tries to free them in exchange for information about my weaknesses, they will misinform him and offer to lead him to my bed chamber. They will then lead him straight to the dungeon, lock the door, and attack him. The actual harem will be somewhere else.
    • All the girls in the harem will be kept in separate rooms so that they cannot conspire against me. The rooms will be well furnished and have basic cable, so that they will be content.
    • I may consider putting all the girls in the harem in one large room with a lot of soft surfaces and no TV. Bored harem girls could well be a good thing. I will keep the room under surveillance, of course. If they to conspire against me, I'll know. If they get bored... hey, bonus.
    • I will inform myself properly about sexuality before I make up plans that rely on women turning homo- or bisexual out of boredom.
    • Or, maybe I'll treat the girls in my harem with proper respect. So that they have no reason to conspire against me. Also, for my own safety and sanity, I will remember what days they typically have their periods on, so that I can be on the other side of the planet while they are bitchy and hormonal. In addition, it may pay off well to shower them with gifts every once in a while. Equally, of course, as I don't want to seem like I'm playing favorites. I must also remember that no female can possibly resist chocolate.
    • I will never make any comments that include the term PMS near a woman, or imply that there is a time when it is best to stay away from her, or that her current mood (any mood) might be due to this. I will not patronize her in any way, even if it is my suspicion. Such things make them angry. They will remember that conversation. They will not let me live it down. If I slip, she should be discreetly removed from the harem before she has time to report this information.
    • I will always use protection, and all the harem members will be on the pill. The last thing I need is bastard offspring trying to kill me and take my place. Or syphilis. That's no fun, either.
    • Better yet - I just won't have a harem at all. Anything that requires this much effort to keep safe just isn't worth it.
      • If I need women that badly, I will just buy Pay-Per-View, or if such technology does not exist, a "Gold Pass" to the local Brothel (Preferably one on the payroll, or at least one who keeps track of who's working for them). They won't want one of their prime customers dead, and I will enter and leave while disguised.
    • If I need to have a harem, for whatever reason, I will hire a mix of those aforementioned hot amazons (doubling as bodyguards) and regular prostitutes. They still would be required to occasionally have (protected) sex with me, but they will be allowed to come and go as they please, sleep otherwise with whoever they like (in secret), get lavished with gifts, and most importantly, their families will be well taken care of. Helping their sickly little sisters become healthy will be the real loyalty winners. The baubles will just be bonuses.
      • If, in the extremely unlikely event that I do conceive a bastard with any one of the women of either my bodyguard or my harem, I shall name him my heir. I shall educate the child on matters of state and politics. The mother shall teach the child of war and weaponry. (The fighting skill of my bodyguards will, of course, be lesser than that of my own. Can't have him offing me,now can we?) I will also show genuine affection and love for each of my children, as I do not wish them to turn on me.
      • If this event happens multiple times, I shall place each scion at the reaches of my Empire, to allow him or her to achieve status, and he (or perhaps more likely "she") who makes the mightiest name shall inherit my throne. (Hey, just because I am an Overlord does NOT mean I should be complacent about my legacy! After all, if the Hero DOES succeed in vanquishing me, I shall expect vengeance, no?)
  • If I ever decide to have dinner with the hero, I will not attempt to poison him. There are far too many things that could go wrong. Instead, I will hide several syringes full of poison in his chair. A blade will also pop out of his end of the table and impale him. Then, a sixteen-ton weight will drop on his head. If he decides to use his last action to shoot me (if he somehow managed to sneak a gun through 5 different searches), he will still fail because I will not actually be there; it will be a hologram, robotic double, or other kind of fake.
  • I will make sure to have two dining halls, and only rig one like this. Having something like this happen to my trusted lieutenant just because I'm paranoid and he forgot which seat it was isn't just a setback, it's bloody embarrassing.
  • My jail/prison/dungeon/gulag will be as far away from my primary base as physically possible. The base will have cells for temporary confinement, but all prisoners will be transferred to the main dungeon as quickly as possible. Their equipment will be sent to a different facility, preferably at least 20 miles or more from the prison.
  • All of my maids will be hot Ninja Maids. They will be treated well and given plenty of downtime, but will act as if they were enslaved. That way, when the hero inevitably tries to free them from my 'oppression', they will kill him before he knows what happened. Additionally, if they desire companionship beyond me, I shall encourage them to form a happy relationship with Bishounen Battle Butlers who are in a similar position. This way, I can also counter any potential female heroes and Action Girls.
    • As an added bonus, if Evil Overlording proves not to be my style, this will allow me to seamlessly reinvent myself as a harem anime protagonist.
  • My default battlefield policy will always be "take no prisoners". This especially applies to the heroes. The only cases where I will even consider capturing the hero will be:
    • 1. I need him to activate the MacGuffin.
    • 2. He is the only person who knows some information that is essential to my plan.
  • I will keep in mind that if my plan is dependent on knowledge that only the hero has, I have screwed up somewhere along the line. I will NOT however, mention that this is the policy, nor will it be implied. I will find someone disposable to say this, as mentioning the words "Take no prisoners" is assured death.
  • Alternately I will follow closely to the Geneva Conventions. Enemies will be more likely to surrender if they know they will be well treated. My own troops can take comfort in that should they surrender they will not be falling in to the hands of those whose compatriots they have tortured or executed. Additionally, circumstances allowing, enemy armies may be given the choice to join me, or destroy their arms and return home.
  • If, for some reason, I do need to take The Hero alive, I will ensure that he does not pose a threat to me by amputating all his limbs and keeping him in a box.
    • Unless I, for some reason, need the hero to keep his limbs. Then I will fill the box with sharp objects and turn off the lights. Guards who can see in infrared or ultraviolet will be used to guard him, and will be equipped with the appropriate flashlights. These guards will also have buttons allowing them to turn on the lights if necessary. The lights will emit only in the visible spectrum and will be very bright. I never said those guards had to see in the visible spectrum.
  • I will foster happiness in my Empire. My interest is in power, not being a dick. Failing all else this will allow me to counter a heroic Combined Energy Attack with one of my own.
  • I will foster communal wealth. Flat screens in the public park. All channels will include lessons on how to kill the Hero, his army, and any traitors. I will keep in mind that this could allow The Hero to prepare for such things.
    • I will have the park patrolled for the protection of my people. I don't want lawlessness due to my negligence at failing to protect a child or woman. The police officers will be supported with full backup, lighting and they will be patrolling circuits of five minutes long, and once every minute.
  • I will not rape anyone, ever. Doing so is a one-way ticket to a Karmic Death, and those are never pleasant. Besides, if I want to be a competent overlord, I have to be able to control my desires.
  • If I have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other, I will remain faithful. The wrath of a Woman Scorned is probably the most powerful force in the universe (or at least right up there), and I'd rather not face it. I'm not having my plans shot to hell because I couldn't keep my pants on.
  • If things between the wife and me go sour, I'll do my best to end things amicably and leave her with a decent alimony, to make her less tempted to help the hero. Or just quietly kill her.
  • I will use any means available to get the hero to cheat on his Love Interest, thus making the Woman Scorned his problem.
  • My plans will not involve animals when it is not really necessary. I will not drop the hero into a snake pit when a pit of poison-coated spikes will be just as effective, and a lot cheaper.
  • I will not bother wasting resources to create weird hybrid animals. A flying bear army might be really cool, but it would cost millions of dollars to create just bear, and it would probably have a multitude of genetic defects. An entire army would drain my budget. The awesome hybrids can wait until I've conquered the world and have unlimited resources. If I do make these creatures, they will fight condemned criminals in the arena. The public needs its entertainment.
  • If I am in a fantastic setting, troops riding on winged bears would practically be a Game Breaker, because the result could be achieved through magic instead of science and would be much cheaper and more reliable. The flying bears are the air force, the land force would be gorilla-wolves, and the navy would be tentacle sharks.
  • If I do use animals in my schemes, I will have all their backgrounds checked. Nothing is worse than finding out that The Hero once saved the monsters from a rockslide and now they owe their lives to him.
  • Citizens will not be heavily guarded, nor will they be incredibly poor. People will be allowed to have wealth, as wealth leads to donations. Taxes will be spent wisely on important social programmes. People will learn about the horror outside the walls. Public places will be within walking distance to eliminate the need for polluting cars, and all public places must have a master chef who will be there by his own free will. They will also have high def, plasma screen TVs that do not just broadcast me.
    • However, I will also try to obtain some bad land as well as all that nice land and stuff, use the good land for vital resources and put cities on the bad lands that should always be razed by a different villain so nobody will give me a massive civilian uprising to deal with because of razing the land the cities are on.
  • If I have the power to hypnotize or otherwise alter someone's mind, either by looking at the person or by talking in a strange voice, I will keep my weapon ready just in case.
    • If am successful, I will not then order the victim to kill themselves unless I have a good reason. Why waste resources for temporary thrills?
    • Nor will I place too much trust in so recently-brainwashed a follower. There's such a thing as Psychic Static, and a good chance they're hiding that, like Topol did in Flash Gordon.
  • I will not disregard any potential threat simply because it's Just a Kid. Instead, I will keep tabs on any kids who might turn out to be a Kid Hero, especially skinny spiky-haired preteen boys and those who wear rollerblades and speak in antiquated '80s slang.
  • Any who pose a threat to me (given a particularly liberal definition of 'threat') will be quietly unpersoned, and their disappearance attributed to those kidnappers over at La Résistance. I don't have to worry about their death motivating a relative to bring me down, either, because that only applies to killing exaggeratedly-innocent girls who have heroic-looking older brothers.
  • If I am ever face-to-face with the protagonist, I will tie him/her down first to make sure he/she can't do any damage before I monologue. Better yet, I'll just resist the urge to monologue. Even better, I will Just Shoot Him. Better still, I will monologue to his corpse, no—ashes, no— Soul Jar. Relieves the stress of holding in the monologue, no risk that he'll tell anyone, and the added insult that whatever I'm doing most likely already worked. Alternately, I will spend a minute a day writing a monologue up, then have an assistant splice audio clips of me talking together into the monologue, put it on my iPod as an MP3, and I will play it on the main speakers along with dramatic music while I am off actually doing something important.
  • There is a time and a place for my maniacal laugh, and that is right after my adorable little granddaughter does something cute (such as pulling the lever on the trap door under an incompetent minion) because she thinks my special laugh is cute and she will start laughing herself and very few Heroes will attack a doting grandfather while his 6 year-old granddaughter laughs with him. I will not, however, engage in maniacal laughter at an inappropriate time, such as when I am ordering my troops into battle or when my Grand Master Plan has nearly come to fruition, because any hero worthy of the name will choose that moment to attack.
  • I will use robot guards programmed to kill any human on sight. Anyone loyal to me will have a special transmitter implanted in their brain, indicating to these robot guards that they are not targets. These transmitters will also deactivate on the death of their owner, and make their owners completely loyal to me, so the hero cannot exploit such an implant, allowing them access to my Evil Fortress.
  • My guards will be specially bred to remove their sexual inclinations, thus closing the loophole provided by entry 96 that seems to be under the impression that gay guards don't exist.
    • Or I will offer a raise for guards if they volunteer to become eunuchs (or for women whatever the female version is). Not only will it remove the want to chase tail but it also helps built muscle to kick tail instead. I will remember steers are stronger and bigger than bulls because "they focus on grass instead of ass".
    • Alternately, I will ensure that my guards are provided with the opportunity to regularly visit brothels, or return home on leave to their significant others. After all, a sexually satisfied guard is less likely to fall for the hero(ine)'s charms.
  • I could just use robots, of course. But make sure that the robots are actually robots, and don't dream. And I'll make sure they can't be reprogrammed without retinal clearance from my top roboticist, my head of security, and myself.
  • I will have the retinal scanner disguised as a finger-print scanner. If anyone puts, say, the severed hand of my head of security up against it, it will spectacularly explode.
  • I will also have it set up so that, in case my top roboticist turns good or my head of security suddenly dies and I don't have time to change the locks, I can reprogram them on my own. Naturally, I will have some basic programs (servant, soldier, whatever) on disc and already ready to use, and learn to do the more complicated ones myself.
  • My scientists will put in the extra time to proof any mind control devices against the Power of Love, friendship, and rock. Better yet, I'll skip Rock, but keep all rock music inside my castle and nowhere else. That way, if the hero uses my mind-control device against me, I can use The Power of Rock to my advantage
  • All targets will have any and all parts of the brain important to feeling emotions removed.
  • Never, under any circumstances, will I take on a name like "Vincent the Invincible", or anything involving godhood. Even if it's deserved. Especially if it's deserved. Do I really want to find out how invincible I am the hard way?
  • If I am the Overlord of a video game, I will have my Legions of Evil track down any and all saving / healing points and either remove them or rig them to violently self-destruct or otherwise attack the hero if he (or she) tries to use them. Except for one, which will be moved to my personal quarters and restricted to my own use. Save Scumming may be cheating, but then again, I am an Evil Overlord.
    • In fact, if my research indicates that I am a boss in a video game, I will carefully study the list of Classic Video Game Screw Yous and will endeavor to include as many of them in my base as possible. If the Hero never gets to fight me because the player controlling him or her gave up in frustration, then I win by default.
  • I will also have my Army of Terror clearing weaker foes from the fields once a week. The Hero will abandon his quest if the only ways for grinding are those little cute critters that lower their karmic point (and don't provide much XP), my mooks (whose weekly level-grind has made them stronger, and have better equipment) and the Wake-Up Call Boss.
  • I will store the Plot Coupons in a single place. The door that needs the coupons to open will be between the hero's starting location and myself. Ha.
    • Alternatively, I will send my minions to guard the location of these Plot Coupons, who will be told to guard them at any cost because behind the door they unlock (or a replica thereof) is my vast treasury/my one weakness/the source of my power. This door will be located as far from my main base as feasible. When the hero attempts to open the door, it will instead activate the lockdown procedures and warm up the nuke. If I have the spare resources, a Kill Sat will also be activated.
  • If I develop a superweapon to use against the heroes, its first public use will be against the heroes. Any tests will be made in out-of-the-way locations against people that will never be missed (and that's only if totally-unpopulated targets aren't an option), so the heroes will have no warning and no chance to develop a counter-measure.
  • I will never depend on a superweapon that has its complete design specs easily available in any library or on the Internet. Ideally, any superweapon I use will have been designed by my own scientists anyway, and if I've been reading this far I wouldn't have put them on the Internet anyway. Or ever connected any computer that the designs have ever been on to the Internet.
  • I will remember that Information is Conserved and not go too overboard with covering up my tracks. A little overboard will suit me just fine. Also, just because Information can't stop existing once created, doesn't mean it has to be retrievable. If I really need to make sure something will never see the light of day, I will hurl it into a black hole. And then find a way to reflect all the Hawking radiation back at it. Just in case.
  • I will hire a competent professional psychologist. Those desiring to become one of my lieutenants must first pay him a visit, and once promoted must continue to do so at least once a year. Anyone diagnosed with obsessions or quirks that might interfere with his or her duties will not be promoted (see Rule 64). Anyone diagnosed with megalomania or the like will be shot before they try to overthrow me.
  • I will take anger management courses. That way, when the hero taunts me and runs, I will not become enraged and blindly chase him right into a trap. It will also prevent me from beating up random henchmen or subjects in a hissy fit, which is never good for PR.
  • I will design my computer password system so that the third attempt to log on with random guesses will route the user to an apparently legitimate database full of misinformation. It will also trip the silent alarm, so that I can opt to send the guards while the intruders are busy downloading data, or just choose to laugh quietly at them as their entire organization prepares to counter my non-existent schemes in Antarctica.
    • I will ensure that every password used in one of my computer systems is a random mixture of numbers and letters, rotated once per week. Yes, it may be difficult for my mooks to remember the changing passwords, but at least it means the hero won't gain access to my entire data network because The Password Is Always Swordfish.
    • Should the heroes know the password, it will not suffice since the one entering the password must leave delays between entering certain parts of the password; and they will also have to hit the keys/buttons in the corner for a few of them.
    • Should a passworded device be shot at or explosed, the door will stubbornly not open for 25 hours and the doorknob will give fatal electroshocks. My minion's suit's gloves will not protect against such in case they are stolen, but will look like they do.
    • Even Better: My password system will use three factor authentication, requiring password, username, and a small token inserted into the computer. Mooks will only have guest access to the network. Anyone Lieutenant rank or higher will have their tokens stored in my office. Logging in without the token will result in fantastic explosions.
    • My mooks will also have complete access to the Internet. Including porn. Happy Mooks are Hardworking Mooks.
  • I will put my most sensitive information in an obscure format only readable by my own software, Hidden in Plain Sight as a derelict terminal not connected to the Network and without any external ports or removable disc drives whatsoever, placed somewhere where no-one will bother to look for it, such as a museum.
    • I will, along with this, make sure that the said terminal is readily accessible to myself and whoever must be in on it by the Need to Know Basis' requirements, and in a way that will not attract attention. Me and/or my trusted lieutenants paying visits to nondescript terminals will have great significance to the hero, as it signals that the nondescript terminal in question has some significance to me.
    • To avoid the unfortunate situation where my storage devices are fried by magnets, I will invest heavily in SSD technology. Not only will my programs run faster, they will work in many situations that would outright kill a hard disc drive.
    • If I have a computer accessible implant, the data in it will be in a language no one else speaks because I created it. Specific parts of it will overlap with english enough for the heroes to be lead into a death trap where some kind of false legendary scrolls will lead the heroes to cast a one way doorway into another dimension should the hero proves invulnerability by surviving the first trap.
  • I will not listen to the princess/heroine/love interest when she says she'll marry me if only I spare the hero's life. The fact that she was not willing to entertain the idea when his life was not on the line suggests her priorities are elsewhere.
  • I will have him executed out of her sight, dress up a similar looking minion dress up in his clothes, "release" the minion in front of her, and marry her.
  • Although it's normally standard policy to remind myself that there are lots of other women in the world, I must consider the possibility that she may be a princess and I could need her politically. Under these circumstances, I will instead marry whichever heir is the weakest of will, regardless of her personal appearances. Nobody ever said I had to be faithful.
  • I will strike a happy compromise. She might be Beautiful All Along, and/or end up aiding the heroes, if I am unfaithful. Even if she does not, she may conveniently take me out after my utter defeat, which should not happen if I have read this list. Or it might be in my moment of triumph.
  • If for whatever reason I do agree to let the hero go, I will let her go as well. I will also make sure that either the offer is made in private or that I can get her to sound like she's betraying him. That should make a useful wedge for driving them apart.
  • If I have the ability to turn people into stone, it will only be used if absolutely necessary in the heat of combat. It will never be used as a punishment for dissenters. That would just let any old hero who comes along with the ability to free them amass a large army of people who are pissed off at me for the final battle.
  • If I absolutely have to use it in combat, I will break all the stone up after the battle is over. If, in a moment of temporary insanity, I use it outside of combat anyway, I will also break up all the stone.
  • Better yet I'll put some parts together using regular materials to fill in gaps while leaving empty spaces inside, etc. That way if someone does "free" them the outcome will be Nightmare Fuel for him, his team and everyone who supported him. I should also remember to keep this secret so everyone will consider the hero to be responsible.
  • If young, I will purchase leather pants. The resulting admirers will make a useful backup army.
  • If I feel really committed, I will engage in deliberately homoerotic acts (much easier if I happen to be bisexual). The resulting admirers' numbers will be be bolstered greatly.
  • Under NO circumstances will I or any of my minions wear heels. While sexy, they will always break at the worst possible time, and they impair movement to a significant degree.
  • If I ever need to protect something vitally important behind an array of magical defenses, I will try and incorporate at least one which uses a password or other means of identity verification. Whilst ancient riddles and tests of skill will keep the riff-raff out, they also grant entry to anyone capable of working them out- and heroes tend to be annoyingly good at this.
  • I will not make a sentient robot, even though it may seem like a good idea at the time. It will be a killing machine that follows my orders and not one that goes on some philosophical spiel about being a machine that is self-aware in which it realizes that it can destroy me or join the hero.
    • Similarly, the same could be said about any sentient computer.
  • I will never assume the hero is dead without making a reasonable effort to find the corpse and ensure he really is dead. Even if he is dead, there will probably be more. Every hero needs to succeed where others have failed, after all, and the one I just killed may only be a precursor for the real hero.
  • Should I ever find the corpse of a hero, I will only check for life signs after subjecting it to a destructive test to ensure that they are truly dead, involving immolation, freeze-drying, and exposure to corrosives, among other things. I will also take tissue samples and cranial x-rays to make sure it's really the hero.
    • After the destructive test, the body will not be buried. Once thoroughly tested, anything left over will be blown up, cremated, or both. During these proceedings, I will be present and attentive at all times, and the body will never be concealed from view (be it body bag, casket, anything).
  • I will not, under any circumstances, trust some upstart new villain that I've never met; especially when they suggest a plan to take down the heroes that I've never thought of or that requires finding some new weapon that they guarantee will help defeat the heroes. This plan will inevitably elevate the new guy at my expense.
  • I will avoid any plan that involves releasing the Sealed Evil in a Can. This would most likely result in the above situation, or worse.
  • I will take careful notes on the world in which I live and intend to conquer. If I live in a crapsack, half-empty world where pillaging and various other atrocities are committed every other day and people get away with it, Anyone Can Die (and does and stays dead) and the world essentially hates mankind, I can allow some leeway on the "Evil" parts. However, I must do careful evaluation if God is proven to exist and he hates the world. No matter how powerful I am, a God-like entity is far beyond my powers and I'm best becoming allies with the local Anti-Hero to remove said entity. I can rule as a Overlord afterwards, as removing said entity is likely not to reverse the condition of the world and it will stay crapsack, thus allowing me some leeway for my more evil tendencies while still keeping me from crossing the Moral Event Horizon. At least, I must be the least evil leader in the lands. No one is going to complain if I still retain some evil tendencies because I'm still better than the others. Additionally, a story like this will almost always have a Bittersweet Ending for the hero, perhaps him making a Heroic Sacrifice to rid everyone of the cause of the world's suffering. This will prevent a Retired Bad Ass from coming out of retirement to kick my ass if I accidentally cross a line I shouldn't have on carelessness (Anti-Hero-types are very difficult to negotiate with).
    • If no one dies or, alternatively, comes back more times than a cat, Karmic Death is commonplace and the world is full of sunshine and Teletubbies, I should go somewhere else as an "Evil Overlord" is against all odds. Conquering Hell is not an option as the afterlife is usually governed by beings far too powerful for me to beat to ensure a Karmic Hell.
    • If possible, though, I will become a Knight of Cerebus, reveal the world to be a Crapsaccharine World, or find some other way of bringing about a Genre Shift to something that likes Evil Overlords more.
    • Additionally, I shall pay attention if I live a world that seems to subvert/avert or outright deconstruct as many tropes as it can (especially ones that favor the good guys). If the Conservation of Ninjutsu is among these, I shall make no hesitation in exploiting this. If Too Dumb to Live is lampshaded often, this will prove extremely handy as the comic relief would probably end up killing themselves and ridding themselves for me, though I should be careful that I myself don't fall in this.
  • This goes without saying, but all Omnicidal Maniac tendencies are right out. The goal is to conquer the world, not destroy it. As such, I will not ally myself nor employ people/entities with long-standing and great hate for all living things and mankind, as they will eventually becoming significant obstacles in ruling if they don't outright betray me. I will rid myself all these people if at all possible and, if necessary, I will ally myself with the resident hero and aid him in ridding of the menace. If I'm called out on my evil tendencies, I will try to convince him that my goal is simply to conquer while the other guy's is outright mass murder (This will most likely work as a conqueror is definitely lower on the scale of evil than an Omnicidal Maniac, provided I haven't crossed too many lines) I will also not try to remove the hero once the job is done, as their aid may be needed again in ridding other threats like this and it's bad for my image when employing people. If I'm truly lucky, the hero would need to use a Heroic Sacrifice to make sure the maniac is Killed Off for Real. If that's the case, I will publicly mourn his death as an ally for my cause, which will serve as good PR.
  • I will use heroes by informing and directing them to my enemies that are more (overtly) evil than I am. Heroes tend to ignore lesser evils when a much larger one looms over them.
  • On top of never gloating, I shall never so much as talk in battle. It's a distraction and any moment I could spend thinking of something to say, I could instead be using to predict my opponent's next move and a respective counter. Cold silence is intimidating as well. Additionally, it prevents me from triggering a Shut Up, Hannibal!/"World of Cardboard" Speech that will inevitably result in an Eleventh Hour Superpower. A Hannibal Lecture never works against the hero.
    • Exceptions will be made if there is a brief lull in the fighting and I have something relevant to say. For the record: nihilism, ranting, or name-calling are not relevant; the people the hero killed to get to this point, the high quality of life in my subjects, and the contradictions in his life philosophy are.
    • Calling Your Attacks is an exception if it doesn't interfere with the attack timing and makes them stronger, allows them to do be manipulated, and/or is generally just fun or relieving to say (Compassionate face breaking fist). However, if the bonus isn't worth it then I will remain silent during battle. If one must call out attacks to do them, then it goes without saying that I will learn how to get over this or do it. I wouldn't want somebody to have an edge over me just because they are more vocal.
  • If I am ever short on cash but have a handy new invention, and I have the choice between using this invention to steal money in a heist that will bring me into direct confrontation with the hero and just selling it on eBay for tons of cash and collecting anonymously, I will choose the latter. I will also give it a very short warranty and design it so that it will break down just after said warranty expires. (I am still Evil after all...)
    • But that would allow others to use the invention against me, so no.
      • Not necessarily a problem. If the invention is a superweapon, that would be bad. If it's something like velcro, however...
  • I will not only allow but encourage my Legions of Evil to paint unique designs on their armor. Not only is it a slight morale booster, but it also makes it easier to identify individual mooks, no— soldiers and thus makes it that much harder for the Hero to impersonate them.
    • In addition, I will place a number of security checkpoints along all the entrances and in front of every important or falsely important room in my fortress. Every soldier will be asked personal questions which only they could answer.
    • In addition to the above, I will try to incorporate the suicide collar into my minions' uniform design. These collars will be designed such that, if the wearer dies or loses consciousness, it will automatically do the following:
      • Broadcast an emergency silent alarm to every other minion in the nearby area. The alert will include the fallen minion's name, badge number, current location, and patrol assignment. The alarm will be silent, to keep from tipping the hero off...which could potentially cost me more troops than if everybody stayed at their posts and simply shot the next person they see with their comrade's uniform/I.D. badge.
      • Mark its current wearer in bright, neon colors on the HUDs of every other guard in the vicinity. That should eliminate the need to check his badge or ask stupid questions like "Aren't you supposed to be guarding Section Four?"
      • Broadcast the same alert to my command center using a secure channel. The command center will then monitor the situation via remote surveillance. This will all be relayed to my personal communicator, to keep me updated on the situation. The alert will only clear when I am satisfied that the threat has been neutralized.
    • In order to avoid Conservation of Ninjutsu and make my troops more sympathetic to the audience, I will also encourage them to address one another by name, pursue individual hobbies on their own time, and show off their personalities when the hero is nearby.
    • In fact, I will seriously consider just doing away with the armor and the uniforms altogether. Heroes never seem to be hindered by the lack of helmets and incomplete armory, or have any difficulty differentiating between friend or foe in battle. Mooks will instead be encouraged to dress casually under the supervision of a hired fashion expert to weed out anyone about to make himself into an Acceptable target. It's a proven fact that the right outfit with the right accessories can increase a person's fighting power well above the norm.
  • If I absolutely MUST use a slow acting death trap style device to kill the hero, I will NEVER put a nameless redshirt in first, allowing the hero to figure it out. Nor will I put the hero's love interest in the death trap first, as this inevitably leads to a last minute rescue. Instead, I will put the hero in the death trap first, torture the redshirt for any information about the rebellion, and keep the girl on hand as a useful bargaining chip (although she should be kept entirely unaware of her hero's death until such a time as I no longer have use for her.) Of course, it's much preferable that if the hero is ever in a position to be killed easily, I merely kill him with a quicker, easier method such as shooting him.
    • On a related note, I will remember that the deathtrap will be just as funny if I throw in a corpse instead of a living hero.
  • If I'm having audio-only contact with one of my minions, and the connection is suddenly broken, I will treat the situation like a full-scale emergency. It doesn't matter if contact is reestablished right afterwards and a voice assures me that everything is all right and that it was just a minor glitch; I will nevertheless assume that there's now an enemy at the other end of the line.
    • I will require all minions to have a set of Trust Passwords, unique to each individual, and kept in a binder within my reach at all times. If a connection breaks, I will ask for the password the moment it's reestablished. On a related note, no minion is to write their password down and I will ask a random minion for the password instead of just whoever's holding the phone.
      • Better yet, I will require each minion to have two passwords, one for "Everything's Alright", and one for "The hero has just tied me up, and is trying to get me to give you the password to gain your trust".
  • I will not keep a gigantic, man-eating beast that is likely to eat just anyone who happens to dump into its moat or dungeon. If it can't be trained into never trying to eat me, it's not worth the risk.
  • When a noble hero convinces another, less noble hero not to kill me, it is not the right time for me to push my luck. In a situation like that, I will not mock them for being so naive and promise that eventually I'll kill them both. Instead, I will act humble and remorseful for as long as they've got me dead to rights.
  • I will not suddenly start acting evil again once they've no longer got me, either. I will at least wait until they're out of both sight and earshot.
  • If I hear a suspicious sound coming from somewhere in my fortress or just outside my camp, I will send out three henchmen to investigate: one in the direction from which the sound was coming, two in the opposite direction.
  • If I do not get updated on the situation within a reasonable timeframe, I will have the area under heavy guard, with powerful weapons prepared in case of sudden hero encounters.
  • I will build hospitals, improve medical funding, and equip many of my soldiers with first-aid kits, or employ healers. The hospitals and the medics will treat soldiers first, and civilians second. This means I'll lose less soliders, civilians will have more incentive to join my forces, and my soldiers and civilians will be far more loyal. It isn't evil in nature, but it allows me to further my evil cause(s) more easily.
  • I will learn and employ healing magic as often as possible, so as to better cultivate a better image in the eyes of my people. In addition to the above benefits, I will be able to act as the good cop in more violent interrogation and be able to sustain myself in a fight with The Hero.
  • I will strive to avoid healing techniques that drain life from one person to heal another. It will only be considered if I have condemned criminals for execution; let their wasted lives be spent to save others.
  • I will encourage my soldiers to bring their children to work. The children will learn from common mistakes that are made, and be more likely to work as soldiers. Also, the hero will be less likely to attack my soldiers, in fear that they might hit a child, or leave a child without a father or mother. Also, children could make good back-up soldiers, due to their surprising resistance to bullets and cuts.
  • I will make the first Friday of every month "Funny Hat Day". Not only will it raise morale of my Legions of Evil but the hero will think twice about posing as one of them when they have to wear a hat made out of fake fruit.
    • I will also grant rewards for the funniest hats. Forcing my minions to humiliate themselves is not good for morale.
  • If I receive word that a hero or heroes have appeared, I will immediately begin observing them in all things. Should any form of Will They or Won't They?, Belligerent Sexual Tension, or UST symptoms be present, I will immediately being plans to vilify the Hero to his (or her) love interest. These tactics will be subtle so that they don't find out and become a couple with the Power of Love.
  • I will consider the pros of being a black, gay, Jewish woman. Such as being able to paint The Hero and his companions as sexist, racist, homophobic anti-Semites.
  • I will not hire a busty bombshell as my second in command. It may seem nice, but my minions would be pissed that I chose someone based solely on appearance rather than merit.
    • However, if I have the option of hiring a busty bombshell who is competent as my second in command, I will do so. This will encourage loyalty among troops and distract the hero. She will not, however, dress like a Russian Torture Technician, as this allows my enemies visual verification that she is evil. Instead, I will encourage her to dye her hair blonde, if it isn't already, and act stupid. The heroes will never suspect that she's really on my side if they encounter her, allowing her to trick them into capture, or just knock them out with a surprise attack.
  • The borders of my realm will be well guarded with checkpoints and preferably a fifty plus foot high wall with motion sensors. Said sensors will be linked to a number of machine guns. Animals will learn to avoid it. Any outage in the motion sensor grid will be treated as an emergency.
  • Incentives will be offered should someone find a legitimate flaw in the system, be it from a minion or civilian.
    • Such rewards will have a sliding scale. Example: Opening day flaws are $100 each. Flaws found one month, from completion of my evil plans, are $1,000 each. This will ensure, that, as time passes my mooks are paying closer attention to security. It'll also reveal, ahead of time, any last minute changes in the situation at my evil doom base.
      • On second thoughts, such a system may encourage people to wait to point out these flaws. Better to have just a standard fee.
  • Should the hero somehow enter my realm, and is detected. I will NOT allow him and his party to carry on while I plot his demise. He shall instead be greeted by an airstrike. As soon as he's a good distance from a population center, of course. The LAST thing I need is a second hero showing up because I leveled his hometown.
    • Additionally, all nearby villagers will be notified within fifteen minutes of the strike unless the hero is too close to them, and all planes and ordinance will be clearly labeled as belonging to Training Flight [some designation]. That way, if/when the hero survives, he will have no one to blame but himself and the villagers will only tell him that he left shortly before the warning was given. Actual training flights will be executed the same way, to prevent arousing suspicion among the locals.
  • I will find alternate means of dealing with any enemy who would become more powerful if killed.
  • I will make certain that my squad of superpowered Evil Minions aren't particularly weak to each others' powers. While this can be useful in containing rebellion, there are far too many power-assimilating heroes out there. Alternately, I will pair each minion with the counterpart that strengthens/heals them.
    • Alternatively, I will pair each Minion with the one whose weapons/powers are his weakness. When engaged with these Minions, the aforementioned hero will likely try to kill the weaker one first, so he can steal his weapon and finish off the other Minion with it. If he tries this, the surviving Minion will be instructed to bombard his fallen comrade's corpse with the highest-grade area weapons at his disposal. If this doesn't kill the hero outright, it will destroy the weapon he was intending to steal, forcing the hero to fight a stronger opponent without the advantage.
      • ...On second thought, if the first bombardment doesn't kill the hero, the surviving Minion is ordered to call for backup and fire another volley. Any of the remaining Minions that fail to respond will have their bomb collars activated.
  • If the super-empowering Applied Phlebotinum I possess has a possibility of horrible side effects, I will neither force a minion to take it, nor try it myself. I will instead wait for version 2.0.
  • Horny Devils, especially tentacle monsters, are some of most useful minions. Their Genre Shift abilities are incredibly powerful. Every Action Girl, including Magical Girl and Super Heroine, will suddenly become Faux Action Girl thus increasing your chance of world domination. If you fail to recruit such a minion, please consider to have it as your One-Winged Angel form.
    • To break her spine?
      • Precisely. Note the above about rape and Karmic Death. Also, if I do recruit Horny Devils, they can also serve as patsies under that same premise, after the heroine(s) in question is/are dead.
      • However, as with monsters that can NOT be taught not to target me, I will take into account that tentacle monsters might not care if its the heroes or ME that they are violating....with that in mind, perhaps the risk just isn't worth it.
      • Unless I'm into that sort of thing.
  • I will ensure that executions are done in such a way as to allow open-casket services, and give everyone I execute a proper burial, as outlined by their regional customs, or if applicable, following their Last Will and Testament TO THE LETTER. Executions will be done as humanely as possible to reduce the risk of them coming back as ghosts or other Undead, thus enabling them to help the hero and screw with my furniture. And/or eat the minions. The Last Will and Testament bit obviously doesn't apply to the hero. Him I will decapitate, stuff with white rose petals, marinade in blessed water, and bury upside-down at the nearest crossroad.
  • If my Humongous Mecha or other superweapons have a small but glaringly evident weak spot but is otherwise quite effective, I will at least put a pane of bulletproof glass over it, or if I can't armor or shield it in some way—I'm looking at YOU, Death Star—make sure to keep it constantly moving as erraticly as possible, rather than just scrapping it and turning it into collector coins. If I can't do one or both of these things, melt it down into conventional armor and guns, as another legion will cost only half as much and probably do just as much damage. As an added morale booster, stamp "Mk (random number) Mecha Failure Commemorative Piece 1/ 10,000" on the guns and armor. This also applies if instead of a mecha it's myself who has the weak spot. There's no reason it should be possible to stake a vampire in the heart casually.
    • Alternatively, I will design compact but very effective powered armor that can be worn under ordinary clothes. I will keep the very best iteration of this armor for myself, and provide my trusted elites and valued officers with nearly-as-good suits. Imagine the hero's shock when his weapon clangs off my business suit, enough to let me sink a shiv in his forehead.
    • OR I could put the weak spot in a place that's impossible to hit, and have the glowy bit fire a Wave Motion Gun along the trajectory of whatever hit it last.
  • As an alternative to Rule 167, I will hire both the programmer and the kid and make sure that they work as a team. Not only will their combined ideas increase my computer systems' security, but the hero will have to man the keyboard himself.
    • I will also attempt to make them part of my personal 'evil' group of True Companions. This will minimise the chances of one of them having a Heel-Face Turn and joining the hero allowing all my security secrets to get out. If possible, I will make sure they bicker a lot while still working together well; that way, they function as my own personal competent comic relief, increasing my groups likability and thus the chances of our survival.
  • I will hire a Cloudcuckoolander as one of my advisors, but the first idea that he has to defeat any of my enemies will be treated as a last resort. If unsuccessful, he will dealt with in a manner that will ensure that he can never help the hero (even by accident) in any way.
    • If I cannot find anyone loopy enough that qualifies as a Cloudcuckoolander, I will hire The Imp (variation that's just snarky; like Midna from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) or a Deadpan Snarker, to tell me when my plans are stupid. I will not kill them for saying anything about my convoluted plans that's negative or realistic, because that is their job.
  • As an alternative to Rule 2, I will keep the vents large, because of two reasons:
    • Crawling through a ventilation shaft makes a lot of noise. So when the hero tries to escape, I can just have my men shoot at the sound.
    • In a realistic setting, the air ducts will simply break under his weight, providing ample amusement as he tries to spy on my plans.
  • As another alternative to Rule 2, I will keep the insides of my air vents at lethal temperature extremes. This function will only be disabled when they must be repaired note .
  • A third alternative to Rule 2, I will, if at all possible, avoid having ventilation ducts in my evil fortress. I will instead make sure that all areas are well ventilated by other means. The only air ducts will be in the prison, and those will be dead ends after two turns and about 20 feet. They will also be trapped to seal anyone inside them, and then fill with a non-lethal paralytic toxin. My guards will immediately inform me by radio of their attempt, and I will enjoy a brief yet hearty chuckle. While they are moved to another cell, they will be kept under heavy guard, and they will be shackled, bound, gagged, and any other means I have of keeping them immobile will be applied.
  • I will not wear my badass sunglasses at night, unless I'm working on something brightly lit for my Evil Plans, I have demonic glowing cat eyes that allow me to see in such darkness, confronting someone who can mesmerize me by eye contact, and/or I'm in Alaska or Antarctica around the time of year when the sun is out all the time. They will impair my vision otherwise, though they do look awesome.
    • I will suspend this rule if it is ever necessary to keep track of the visions in my eyes. If someone is deceiving me, it will definitely cut my security.
  • My motives will always appear to be sympathetic. The reason is simple. If The Hero thinks that I'm just misguided, they'll try to talk me out of whatever I'm doing, instead of constantly trying to kill me.
  • My scientists will also study the Fisher King effect that happens whenever people rule an area, and have it work out so that my empire looks like pure good.
  • I will assume the hero is genre savvy even if he has been shown to be an idiot hero as that could just be a ruse to make me feel to secure in my victory.
  • If the hero is a Idiot Hero, then they will have an intelligent but cold ally that the hero will rarely listen to. I will kill this person before the hero can teach them about instinct and friendship, since after they learn about that, they will become a realistic threat to my plans.
  • I will always assume the hero is a threat, even if they are stupid/silly/naive/dead.
    • And I will expect the same for my underlings. I will organize special seminars for those soldiers who are still incapable of grasping this simple fact. (Followed by a motivational course for those who believe that I accept this as an excuse for not fighting him, should I order it).
  • I will get an implant or surgery to suppress conscience. I will also make such implants/surgery mandatory for everyone in my army, thus making me immune to Villainous BSOD and safe from Heel-Face Turn.
    • On a related note, I will have the neurosurgeon executed so that he can't use the implant to control me. This will be a standing order, and my mooks will be authorized to both ignore my commands and restrain me while killing the good doctor if I say anything even close to "don't kill him".
      • If I cannot suppress my conscience when I see fit, then why would I try to be an evil overlord? I clearly need to get my priorities straight here. I will always, however, keep a facade of having a conscience up. That way, when the hero tries to get me to suffer a Villainous BSOD I can fake it, and take advantage of it when he lets down his guard if he tries to kill me. If he tries to be friends, I will accept, infiltrate his close circle of friends, and kill all of them in their sleep. I will make sure I do this without any chance of detection, and after I have tricked the suspicious one.
      • Note: I will also make absolutely, completely, 100% sure to have an abort plan. If I ever, ever, begin realizing I'm actually starting to like this, I will abort immediately. If the Hero asks it was all a lie, I will claim it was not.
      • Note 2: If I can still be an Evil Overlord while the hero's friends are accepting me, why kill them? I'll just use my influence over them to keep them pointed at someone else's plans and save "kill them all in their sleep" for when they start getting suspicious.
  • Before my rise to glory, I will kill all of my past mentors/teachers and replace them in their schools with substitutes and explain that said mentor/teacher went abroad to study. I will kill any friends of these mentors, any family members, but most importantly, any of his students who go out looking for him.
    • With that in mind, my next Class Reunion will be bombed as soon as I am sure all of my fellow classmates, especially rivals, are there enjoying their slice of cafeteria cake.
  • I will leave various communicators laying in the ground where ever I go that ring any theme tunes associated with me when they sense the vibrations of people's footsteps. If answered, it will explode.
    • If my voice sounds higher/lower/scratchy/British/otherwise different over the phone, my Legion of Terror will not continue giving out information of where we are supposed to be located. They will instead come to where I am presumably located and make sure it is actually me.
  • If behind an unbreakable force field with my enemy trying to get in, I will also pay attention to all other degrees of vision. Chances are my unbreakable force field is, on the contrary, breakable, and it just so happens something ready to break it is nearby.
  • Should time travel become available, I shall send three teams back:
    • The smallest, Team A, will be sent to my parents when I am an infant, armed with a fictional prophecy claiming I am the "one" of some kind. Details will be ambiguous. Parents will be killed, and a small, unique trinket will be left with me.
      • Of course, I will find out what the rules of my universe regarding fake prophecies are. I don't want the hero using something that I thought was a fake weakness, only to find out that this universe runs on Clap Your Hands If You Believe.
    • Team B will be larger, and be sent to the pasts of any potential heroes, where they will subtly but covertly influence these heroes' lives so that they will (i) become moderately comfortable and happy in adult life or (ii) become a flawed Overlord themselves, whichever is more practical.
    • Team C will be a massive propaganda team, acting as an army for potential overlords during my adolescence or early adulthood, while also spreading rumours of Team A's false prophecy to the world at large. This should provide for excellent PR, better chances of getting laid and an easier route to power and influence, with less chance of overall failure.
      • I will send my Teams D-through-X to the pasts of all potential heroes, to their respective births, where they will implant the prospective heroes' brains with a small RC explosive before returning to the present for more assignments. In the present, should a hero attempt to thwart my plans, I will detonate the charges long-stored in their heads, avoiding any paradox of going back in time to kill my enemy.
      • When using time travel, I WILL make absolutely sure that what I am doing will not cause unforeseen consequences or a Time Paradox. If I cannot be absolutely sure of that, no matter how tempting it may be, I will NOT use time traveling at all.
  • When it comes to people who fall under Heel-Face Revolving Door, as long as they get results I'm looking for, they will be safe. When they go to another side, I will deal with them if needed. (They did give me good results, after all, and they will switch sides again, assuming I don't send them to assassinate their boyfriend/girlfriend/family or something.) When they switch back (as they probably will), the same cycle will continue.
  • My secret password will not be 1-2-3-4-5. It's too obvious and The Hero will probably try that option, if only to get it out of the way.
    • As a corollary, nobody in my organization will make their password their lover's name. It is too easily broken. Should I hear that such a thing happened, I will suspend them immediately without pay. If The Hero cracked security because of the password in question, because of it's simplicity, the moron that chose the password will be anywhere from long-term suspension to death based on how badly The Hero screwed up my plans.
      • As another corollary, nor will I.
      • As a preemptive measure, I will ask everyone to put a number of personal passwords in the system. They will not be using these for log-ins (those passwords will be picked by me personally). Instead, any log-in attempt with these will automatically activate a machine gun behind the panel.
    • I will use easy to crack passwords for decoy systems and plans.
      • I will also rig my password systems to automatically lock down and trigger an alarm after a few dozen tries. This will prevent the hero from deducing the password through brute force. Particularly stupid password attempts, like "swordfish," will trigger the alarm immediately.
    • If I really want a secure system, I will design an entirely new OS that will allow the use of nonstandard characters for password. No one will guess that.
      • I will also remember the basic rule of ten characters consisting of at least one number, one lowercase letter, one uppercase, and one special character will slow down even the best hackers. Government agencies start swearing at twenty.
    • Also any machine that requires a password to shutdown will have an internal power source. Few things are more embarrassing than the hero stopping my Doomsday Machine than the Cloudcuckoolander simply unplugging it from the wall by tripping over it.
  • I will consider using improvised weaponry.
  • If the hero wishes to try and disengage the main generator he will have to enter a chamber that is flooded with Anti-Redshirt radiation, the radiation will only be vented with my expressed permission.
  • I will never, under any circumstances, put a giant monster too tough to be damaged by the hero's normal weapons in the same room as a piece of artillery that can penetrate its defenses.
  • When my henchman says, "No one could've survived that fall.", I will say, "Why don't you find out," and push him over after the hero.
    • Alternately, I will send a team down in this world's equivalent to helicopters. Killing henchmen may be fun, but if they're dead, they can't report back. Plus, it's bad for PR. This team will ensure that, indeed, nobody has survived the fall. To fulfill this objective, the team will be required to first locate anyone who has fallen off, then shoot them. Repeatedly.
      • No, I don't want to waste personnel. If they find anyone, said someone is to be transported under armed guard to secure containment pending identity verification. Even if they're dressed as the hero. Anyone resisting, though, is to be shot repeatedly in the head and vaporized if possible.
    • Whether or not I choose to make an example of them, anyone who thinks that people do not survive impossibly long falls is clearly not Genre Savvy enough to be in a leadership position in my Evil Army, a fact that I will make sure is remembered during their next performance review. The same policy applies to comments such as: "He's Just a Kid"; "We outnumber him 10 to 1, he can not escape" and "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?". (However, I will be fair in commending any soldier who approaches a situation with due caution or sticks to regulations during a crisis. Natural born talent such as recognizing that regular rules probably do not apply for the giant sword-wielding maniac who just slaughtered half of your platoon with ease, taking precautions without me ordering it, and being able to identify the sound of a thrown pebble, will earn a promotion on the spot.)
  • I will maintain a healthy sense of humor about all aspects of my life. Then, if the hero attempts to goad me into making a rash mistake by mentioning something that might be a sore topic for me, I will simply laugh, say "You got me there!" and shoot him. Between the eyes. Twice.
  • If, for some reason, I feel like putting an item in a dungeon (in which case I must realize that The Hero will likely swipe it), I will NOT make it the one item needed to slay the boss of that same dungeon. It makes me look like an idiot to put the boss' Achilles' Heel in the same dungeon.
    • If I don't need access to this item later on, I will store the key to the chest, along with the item, inside the chest. If I will need the item, the key will remain on my person, and will not be left elsewhere in the dungeon. Alternately, I'll just keep the item on my person in the first place.
      • If I don't need access to the item, I'll either leave it sitting in my own vault or break it. Even a health potion sitting in the dungeon will help anyone going through it. Hell, I'll put it in my vault if I do need it.
  • I will hire my lieutenants based on their knowledge of Sun Tzu's "The Art of War".
    • The Thirty-Six Stratagems are also needed.
      • But they should have plenty of field experience. Ruperts that learned all they know from books tend to think everything goes exactly as planned.
  • If I'm fighting a hero whose family, friends, or loved ones I murdered, I will not taunt them by telling them "so-and-so begged me to spare his/her life". That's more than just flirting with death, that's raping him.
  • None of my officers will be professional tennis-players.
    • If in a game of tennis with my foe with the ball being an orb of energy, I will just shoot him immediately after he hits the ball and dodge the attack.
      • I will make sure to hire a tennis instructor to better me on the game just in case the hero tries to catch me in a game.
    • I will never, ever, EVER substitute a live grenade for the ball. That's not just courting disaster, it's slipping a roofie in her cocktail.
    • I will never use an attack that can be reflected without proper knowledge of the reflecting-item being no where in the vicinity.
    • Better yet, none of my officers will be unskilled tennis players. Any who use reflectable attacks will carry something for reflecting it on their persons and pull it out as soon as they've fired the attack.
      • Either that or generate a shield to directly nullify their own attacks towards them, it also prevents friendly fire which is a plus; in other words, a one way barrier, attacks go out, but not in.
    • If I discover that one of my attacks can be reflected back towards me, I will refrain from using said attack.
    • Or I will use it for putting on a show and executing prisoners, thereby deeply surprising the hero when I use something completely different in our battle.
  • My Legion of Doom will never go out into battle with money or valuables in their possession, especially if they have a knack for dropping all of this when they die.
    • My Legions of Doom will be instructed to keep their valuables in the base unless they're bartering for something and will be able to purchase things on credit if such exists. And their personally-fitted armor will have their equipment integrated into it (antidotes and such in a sealed or locked pouch accessible only by the wearer), so that it can't be used by the hero unless he wants to put up with serious cramping and chafing problems.
  • If my Legions of Doom manage to put one of the heroes in a state where he attacks his allies rather than them, they will be instructed not to attack said hero until all his friends are dead or he is no longer in said state. The same thing goes for if they manage to render one of them unconscious.
    • If the technology for it exists, my Legions of Doom will also be instructed to carry the antidotes to any poisons they use in a securely locked container. I don't want the heroes curing the poisoning by just beating my minions.
  • I will make sure only to communicate and rule through a suit of Animated Armor or other robot double, while I am somewhere else-preferably a bunker in the ass-end of Siberia or some other hellishly inhospitable place that would take a massive amount of preparation to get to. I will also have multiple copies of this equipment, so when the heroes shut one down, the next powers up. I will also make sure that the armor is shielded from EMP so as to eliminate the primary weakness of a robot body (or Dispel, if the armor is magical animate).
    • A holographic head is a nice touch, with a faked teleport should the Animated Armor fails. This will lead heroes not to seek my true location since they "know" where I am. This will prevent them from expecting the massive explosion should they get into melee range, or the use of "overkill and no protection possible" type life-wiping magic/radiations.
    • If I do choose to do the Tin Tyrant thing, I will always oil my joints right after each "meal", about three times a day.
    • I will also find a way to make it look either completely human or completely monstrous. Nothing makes holding court difficult like "should be human, but isn't".
  • Rather than automatically ordering the death of someone I believe is about to reveal my dark secret, I will first consider the relative PR ratings of myself and the source, as well as the level of deniability I have. If the revelation will only be believed by crazy conspiracy theorists, it would probably actually work to my advantage. However, if the person planning to do this is the hero, I will have them killed immediately, as they will inevitably get their hands on the evidence at some point.
  • For similar reasons, if practical I will actively try to make myself one of the stock villains of crazy conspiracy theorists. Somebody planning to control the world will find that the perfect hiding place is within the freemasons or Catholic church.
  • Remember, boys and girls, there's no shame in the Groin Attack. You are a bad guy, after all, nobody expects you to play fair.
  • If the hero steals "my thing" and starts to go One-Winged Angel, or starts rambling on, I will ignore the "Transformation/Talking Is a Free Action" thing and shoot him while he's quite probably incredibly vulnerable.
  • I will never kidnap, torture, imprison, or otherwise harm the loved ones of a hero I underestimate and leave the hero free. They will invariably turn out to be surprisingly dangerous, fanatically loyal and possessed of a remarkable ability to find allies, and I will be setting myself up to receive a Roaring Rampage of Revenge. No matter how much I underestimate the hero I will kill him first, then kill all his relations right afterwards, just in case he is the wrong hero.
    • We cannot stress this enough, apparently.
  • My Legions of Doom will not in any way, shape, or form, use torches, knives, and pitchforks if there are guns and chainsaws around that are in perfect working condition and have ammunition/gasoline in them, particularly if The Hero is using guns without mercy. It's just dumb and suicidal otherwise.
  • I will place political prisoners in the same cell blocks as the nonpolitical ones. That way if the hero decides to start releasing people indiscriminately, I can go on TV and publicly demand to know why he thought it was a good idea to put serial killers and multiple rapists back on the streets.
    • I will also hire several assassins, equip them with poison daggers, and have them masquerade as prisoners. When the hero shows up to throw open the doors of the prison, their job will be to discretely stab him/her on the way out.
  • I will ensure that people will not automatically be killed for dissenting opinions. That's an easy way to get the people resentful of my rule. They will be encouraged to say what they wish, thus it gives the illusion of honest debate, while I'm still in power.
    • Plus, it just drives the rebellion underground. If they start stating their goals publicly, I can refute them publicly.
  • I will not allow minions to strap explosives onto themselves for when things go south. This just leads to trouble when I'm trying to execute them, and makes them more vulnerable.
  • After defeating the nearby, less Genre Savvy but Eviler than Thou Overlord, if I find that there is a Cutie in process of breaking, I will adopt her and have her train under same program with my other Ninja Maids. This way, I will have a Morality Pet that can be useful, and since she has already seen a worse overlord, the risk of her pulling a Heel-Face Turn is slim.
  • When I decide to go "super-evil" and destroy an entire town with burning fire, I shall do it at the dead of night. If circumstances permit me only to destroy the town in the middle of the day, I will order my troops to check any nearby hills for possible children of the people I'm killing, and shoot them on sight. The last thing I need is another kid having a reason to try and kill me. And if my goons miss the kid, and they run into the town and happen to find me burning it up, AND I find out that the kid has some sort of sacred power, I shall kill him immediately. I shall not let him escape, I shall not say that he has a magic power, and above all, I SHALL NOT GIVE THE STUPID RED HEDGEHOG A PAIR OF SPEED BOOTS!, give him items or try to make him my minion. Something tells me that it will bite me later on if I do.
  • If I decide to make a giant mech to smite my enemies, I shall make a hidden button that activates a Weak Point. I shall not press this button untill my enemies try to override my mech, at which point I will press the button, eject out of the cockpit, wait untill the heroes get into the mech... and then blast the Weak Point with a rocket launcher/laser/BFG (Whichever is the best avalible.)
  • If the hero has a One-Winged Angel form and attempts to use it on me, during the stage in which he goes "HRAAAAARGH" with a deep red glow i will immediately smash him to the floor with a swift haymaker punch.
    • I will wait until either I'm on the ropes or the hero's starting his contractually required "World of Cardboard" Speech before activating my own One-Winged Angel stunt. Then I can just blast the hero at full power while he's transforming.
  • The ultimate strategy is to eliminate the opponent's will to fight. This makes the ultimate weapon Seduction. This, in turn, makes creating Super Soldiers no more difficult than recruiting a Hooker with a Heart of Gold.
    • I will, however, make sure to have actual supersoldiers on hand in case I get a Chaste Hero or he's good enough in bed to turn the hooker. Just to keep all my bases covered.
  • If the hero gives you a box that he claims contains an object you really want, make sure the box isn't empty before you let him go.
    • But do not open the box yourself. Bombs, poisons, deadly animals, or other nasty surprises could be in there. Make sure to record the entire thing, that way you gain good publicity either way.
      • Insist that he open it, while your honor guard keeps guns/wands/whatever leveled at him. If it's the genuine article, he can just hand it over; if it's trapped, he trips it himself; if it's empty, you can broadcast the tape and call him honorless swine; if he tries to use or destroy it himself, he gets blasted before he does anything foolish; and in any case it fits the imperial pageantry much better than just "hand over the box and run".
      • The fifth possibility, that it is an dangerous animal of some kind, but one trained by and loyal to the hero, which will attack you no matter who opens the box, can be countered by having your best trained marksman point their gun above the box. If anything comes out of it, he is under orders to shoot immediately.
  • When I conquer a country, I will not culturally oppress the people. They will be allowed to continue any and all cultural holidays. Banning their culture will accomplish nothing but making them pissed at me.
  • If I make a bargain with anyone, I will do my best to actually hold up my end; lest it come back to bite me in the ass later. They only time I will backstab anyone is if I can kill everyone involved who could conceivably get back at me.
    • If the heroes fail to uphold their end of the bargain, I will make it widely known. Nothing ruins a hero's reputation like failing to honor a contract that even the Evil Overlord upheld.
  • All minions (or at least as many as is practical) will be required to know basic first aid.
  • I will keep the following items on my person at all times:
    • Lightweight, bulletproof body armor; easily concealed under my clothes.
    • A small handgun, and at least one magazine of extra ammo.
    • A combat knife.
    • A can of mace.
    • A bandolier of grenades, including two teargas canisters, two thermite/magensium charges, and two general purpose frags.
    • A gas mask and a small oxygen tank with at least an hour's worth of air in it, or a hell of a lot of filter cartriges.
    • A Swiss Army knife.
    • A roll of Duct Tape.
    • Any medical supplies I may need, including painkillers, general-purpose anidote, disinfectant, water-purification tablets, splints, bandages, and Brain Bleach.
    • Anything I can't sleep without, including pills, a scrap of my old security blanket, or a teddy bear.
    • An emergency transmitter linked to my elite squad of guards, complete with a panic button.
  • If my guards are equipped with poison, it shall be a mixture of no less than 18 different samples that cannot cancel each other out. Also, said poison will only be applied to bullets, not put in a bottle or syringe that is carried.
    • All guards' blood will either be altered to withstand every poison, or be replaced with artificial blood that destroys all toxins within the body.
      • If artificial blood is removed in any way other than one only I and my science team knows, it will self-destruct in a nonviolent way to prevent the destruction of my fortress to be from papercuts, such as immediate solidification when exposed to air.
      • I will first see what my universe's view of transhumanism and such are. If even slight deviations from the human pattern are a sign of Irredeemable Evil, I will stay clear of modding my guards because that is a good way to have insane monsters trying to kill me. If robots and mutants are people too, I will do this carefully and make sure the changes are temporary. If the heroes are allowed to use the power I'm giving the guards, I'll go right ahead. If the author's a transhumanist, odds are I'm opposed to this kind of stuff on principle anyway.
  • All weapons will be equipped with fingerprint scanners that will explode if touched too heavily, along with a voice recognition program that also tests for breath, heat, and moisture before starting. If weapon requirements aren't met, it will release an electric shock and explode.
    • On second thought, scrap explode if touched too heavily part. My mooks are people, people will get excited in heat of battle and they tend to grip thing too hard when excited.
      • What do you mean "my mooks won't get excited"? If I deploy Mecha-Mook, Starfish Alien or have ability to remove annoying thing call emotion from human, surely there will be protection method far better than fingerprint scan.
    • While one can always dream, refitting every mook's equipment with such devices probably costs more than what the whole soldier is worth to me. Therefore, I will apply this solution for my personal elite units, AND for a number of random soldiers - about 1 in 20 sounds enough. I will ensure that equipment with recognition hardware is indistinguishable from regular gear. People will learn to be wary about stealing my men's stuff either way. (If this solution is still too expensive, I will simply make mooks with fixed weapons that cannot be separated from them, such as nerve-linked Arm Cannon. This will also help to prevent those annoying Dressing as the Enemy situations.)
  • If a certain personality keep suggesting an idea while holding the Idiot Ball, I we will consider removing it from the legion mind or at least let it handle non-overlord functions only.
  • Even the most "moral" societies have groups they idiotically discriminate against. As such, I shall study my the enemy culture's social hierarchy for peoples disenfranchised and discriminated due to race, creed, religion, gender or sexual orientation (see the corollary regarding Equal Opportunity Employment). I will offer sanctuary to these repressed groups within my empire and collect the super-scientists and magical powerhouses who were discriminated against in their home country. I scoop up a fresh collection of untapped human resources while painting the "good guys" as narrow minded bigots.
    • I will first, though, make sure that the author doesn't agree with the society on this point. I don't want to have an army full of gays in a conservative Author Tract, and I sure as hell don't want any all-black divisions in anything by H.P. Lovecraft.
  • If I decide to create a massive army of clones, I will not make them clones of Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, or any other sort of superpowered male badass. My clone army will instead consist of attractive women. They will receive all the training and exercise they need in order to become an effective army in addition to skills to help them develop possible lucrative careers outside of the military after I've taken over. This should make it much harder for the Heroes or the rebels to gun down my soldiers and once the war is over the clone army should be able to successfully raise families and help rebuild and repopulate the Empire. I will not have them genetically engineered for accelerated growth or any number of weird things that could potentially cause resentment to the generations of children born from my clone army. I want their children to enjoy happy childhoods and possibly consider joining the military when they themselves grow up.
  • If I hear a Leitmotif I will implement a device to silence it. I do not care how much of a badass they claim they are or by their "Fanbase" Only because it is distracting and will give the heroes morale.
  • If I am a Sissy Villain, I will not forgo body armor simply becaus it clashes with my ensemble. I will instead enquire after salmon-colored kevlar or hot pink spider-silk.
    • Or, I will make my costume so fabulous that any self-respecting hero has an epileptic fit just by looking, and heroines are incapacitated by jealousy.
  • I will not give away my backstory or plans for world domination to the heroes. They can either figure them out on their own or die trying. I have a country/megacorp to run, I have no time to play Exposition Fairy.
  • If any of my tech is Powered by a Forsaken Child, I will not kidnap street-urchins and other such orphans. Instead, I will clone the first successful test subject and genetically-engineer their pain receptors out of them. I will also seek out cruelty-free energy sources. Nothing incites the heroes to lay the Smack Down Upon an organization faster than torturing ankle-biters so their superweapons can run on Agony or Mental Anguish.
    • Or if it is confirmably powered on Agony, I will employ Masochists and Sadists to run it. After all, there are fetish clubs for this sort of thing, and they can always use the extra employment, as well as it being 'evidence' that I am in fact a non-discriminatory overlord.
      • Fetish clubbies may not be interested in that level of agony. Probably the safest bet is, if I must use such a technology or magic, to have it re-engineered so that I can power it, and put my Determinator cap on. There are very few Heroes who will fault me for inflicting terrible pain on myself, and those that do might not be threatening to my plans at all.
  • If my plan for world domination involves an ancient artifact of incredible magical power, I shall take the time to adequately study all texts and legends regarding it; If granting the hero a weapon capable of defeating me is the only way to obtain said MacGuffin, I will pass it up for another artifact of similar power. In addition, any artifact I may choose must remain in one piece rather than splitting off into three pieces, lest the two remaining pieces go to the Hero and his love interest.
  • Before sending demonic shapeshifters to infiltrate the enemy, I will make sure that no animals or children are able to see through their disguises. They will also be trained to refrain from any kind of nonhuman behavior.
    • If I am a demonic shapeshifter, I will hire a trained, human professional to infiltrate the heroes' ranks rather than attempt it myself. I can be an Overlord or I can be a spy. I've already decided to be an Overlord, so there's no point in trying to be both.
      • Also I will use my powers to make the heroes think I have replaced a member of their team already. In addition to delaying the hero and his friends, it will also force them to reveal their genuine-checking routines. I can then record those routines and use them to train myself and my spies to circumvent them.
      • And as per my status as Overlord versus spy, I will have my forces prepped for war with the very armies of Hell before sending in the spy. Especially if that spy is impersonating one of the heroes. Especially especially if I've had that hero killed or captured.
    • I will have whatever exposes my true form used in the construction of my troops' helmets, weapons, and/or armor. There's always a chance that the hero or someone in his party may also be a demonic shapeshifter with the same weakness. This will not affect my power in the slightest, as I won't have any plans on using my shapeshifting powers inside my own fortress, anyway.
    • No Shapeshifter Showdowns inside my fortress. If I transform into something the hero can't kill, he'll follow my lead and transform into something that I can't kill. I'll also keep in mind that humans have discovered ways to kill just about every other living creature on the planet, so I'm already in the ultimate counter-form by default.
  • If I am a reasonably attractive female overlord, I shall dye my hair red before any encounter with the hero, if it is not already red. Heroes Want Redheads, after all, and by dying my hair red, I'm almost guaranteed that he will be distracted long enough for me to kill him or her. If I am a reasonably attractive male overlord, I will merely open my jumpsuit during such an encounter for the same effect.
    • Unless the hero is Australian. Redheads are called Rangas there for a Reason.
    • gasp So I'm Takakazu Abe?
      • Saying "Yaranaika?" is an option for male.
  • I will not deploy useless holographic doubles. If my holograms can't inflict damage, then why bother?
    • If I really need to use it, I'll use them as distraction when my elite snipers, en masse and all hide with adaptive camo and kill the heroes.
    • Harmless holograms can still be used as lures or blinds. The hologram itself may not be dangerous, but everything around or behind it certainly can be.
    • In case I am at the mercy of the hero, a holographic me monologuing a false masterplan and having taken hostage some children should show up; this is my clue to pretend I'm some kind of brainwashed clone decoy to delay heroes but is actually on the side of the heroes now. Having a clone lab with "mes" growing in it on the way in is a nice use for misdirection should the actual grown clone prove to be unpractical. Again, a little holography helps the budget.
  • I will not use adaptive camoflauge that stops working just before my mooks attack someone. Also, Mooks will be trained to keep their camo on at all times, unless specifically ordered to make themselves visible. I will also be able to detect cloaked minions, so they can't scuttle away when I need someone to talk to/berate for incompetence. My Lieutenants and I will also have cloaking units, so the Heroes can't just walk up and kill us.
    • On the other hand, that sort of camo ensures that the heroes never get the drop on the minions. Hm...
      • Have the Mooks wear Infrared goggles/equipment.
    • Alternately, I will look at how Thrawn used such techniques, and take advantage of it.
  • If I am female, then I should not overuse the privilege of claiming the hero is misogynistic, and under no means will I objectify myself.
  • Minions will be able to attack relentlessly, and not sit around waiting their turn to fight. Also, screw that "groups of three" bullshit. We're the bad guys. We don't have to wait our turns, and We Have Reserves, so GET IN THERE, DAMMIT!!!
    • If the universe I happen to live in shunts fights into an alternate timestream that does exactly this, I will make equipment that allows multiple attacks (or more attacks than usual) per "turn", as well as allowing the first hit in combat, standard issue. Said equipment will melt down when the user's lifesigns terminate. I will also make it illegal for civilians to obtain or sell this item. The Arbitrary Army Size Barrier will be studied exhaustively until I find a way to get around it. This includes the Lazy Backup Effect.
  • If the hero falls over, Minions will shank the SOB. He'd get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice?
  • Mecha-Mooks will have their battery packs securely fastened at all times, and lined with spikes/electrified. That way, if someone tries to swipe the power core, they just hurt theselves. Said battery packs will also be installed in multiple locations in groups of four, and will have a solar panel beneath them in case someone actually manages to get rid of one.
    • Once the heroes have worked that out, the external battery pack will have the spikes removed, and be repurposed to be easily removable so it can be used to power defibrilators, fire and rescue equipment, ice cream makers and automatic lollipop dispensers. Power to operate the Mecha-Mook will be supplied by beaming it from a secure location.
    • And a solar panel on the head
    • And an internal, heavily armoured battery pack.
    • And a small internal combustion engine in either leg.
    • Redundancy is your friend!
  • Mooks will not be linked to a central computer. Instead, they will operate on a Hive Mind with me at the center. Rather than shutting down if I bite it, they will go into Revenge Mode.
  • I will play creepy music when my most horriffically disfigured minions attack the hero, as well as flood the coridor with halluciogens. That way, I only need to play the song to reduce him to a gibbering wreck.
    • I will not use stock or well-known horror themes. Who Are You? (that tune in Final Fantasy VII where you find J.E.N.O.V.A.'s stasis pod) and Bach, Toccatta, and Fugue in "D" minor (the original Ominous Pipe Organ), while classics, have lost their edge.
    • If possible, I will find out the hero's most cherished nursery rhyme or upbeat song, distort it horribly, and use that for a Player Punch.
    • If possible, I will pay a composer to write a brand-new and suitably creepy horror theme. This adds the annoyance of not being able to place that tune.
  • I will never employ an Evil Tower of Ominousness. Ostentatious lairs are what get stupid overlords killed.
    • If I do use a tower, I will start a rumor that my office is on the top floor. Said office will have a booby-trapped floor that plunges the hero all 83 stories down into the Biochemical waste disposal in the sub-subbasement. I will be in an Elaborate Underground Base on the other end of town.
  • Combat uniforms will have no eye-catching colors, regardless of how good red-on-black or florescent green on black looks. Camouflage was invented for a reason. Eye-catching colours will be reserved for dress uniforms, and half the soldiers in each battalion will wear dress uniforms at all times while the rest deploy around them in aforementioned camouflage.
  • Underwater bases. None of them.
    • Only if they are deep sea, and I mean bottom of the deepest trench deep and I have mutants that can breathe in the ocean at my disposal that can also withstand the pressure.
      • Starting with myself. If I am certain that I can survive without air and under high pressure, fine. I will remember this fact the next time I am choosing the place for my showdown with the hero. But on principle, I do not build my headquarters in a place that can potentionally become my deathtrap. (No matter how cool a middle of a volcano or a flying base sounds.)
    • Not a real base anyway. Nothing's better for discrediting a hero than saying they destroyed a defenseless underwater colony, killing thousands of citizens. No-one has proof to the contrary (as it's deep underwater) and it makes the hero sound more like a Complete Monster.
  • I will run a thorough background check on anyone applying to join my secret police or team of evil henchmen. This will help filter out enemy spies and alert me in advance if there is anything I should know about any of my staff. If, in spite of this, we still have a security breach, I will conduct an internal investigation as soon as possible to find out just how it happened.
  • Zombies are more trouble than they're worth. Perfectly healthy Minions can be given a pot of green makeup and acting lessons.
    • That being said, so are bio-weapons of any sort. Except for the kind you get by letting blood/excrement stagnate on a bayonet. Because it's easily controlled.
  • I will not use minions who desert, defect, or out-and-out panic when their leader dies. If my mooks can't be loyal in the first place, putting them under control of a slave driver is just going to make trouble.
  • Body Horror (Specifically, Lovecraftian Superpowers), while great for psychological warfare, really fucks up my minion's personal lives. Minions will be able to reverse and manifest their mutations at will. Yes, this does mean all my minions will be able to pull a One-Winged Angel.
    • Minions will be specially trained to utilize their mutations effectively in and out of combat. Clipped Wing Angels just don't cut it.
    • I will also avoid mutating the Hero's friend, lover, or relative. They'll break my mind control and attempt to kill me with the mutation that I've inflicted upon them. Even if they don't, it tends to cause Unstoppable Rage.
  • As an alternative to Rule 67, should we have a security system that shorts out so often that my guards begin to become jaded to it, I will enquire after something more robust.
  • I will carefully weigh the benefits of wearing a cape to not wearing one. While the impressive effect of a grand billowing cape cannot be underestimated and saves minutes of oration when cowing the easily swayed masses, wearing a cape is asking for it to become a deadly liability.
    • If I do choose to wear a cape, there will be no less than three clasps or buttons worked into it that will allow me to instantly get rid of the cape. Style is important, but survival is paramount.
    • Also, any cape I wear will be made out of a cheap and flimsy fabric that tears easily. Thus, if it gets caught on anything then it will tear without inconveniencing me. Any flight, invisibility, or other powers I have will be built into less cumbersome articles of clothing if possible.
    • I will also research how the rules of Limited Wardrobe apply to my setting, on the principle that there's no point in wearing a cape when I don't have to.
  • If an underling ever asks why I don't simply shoot the hero there and then, and I don't have reasonable answer, he/she/it may be right and shall be rewarded. But only after I simply shoot the hero, should it be possible to do that very soon.
  • If I learned that hero was raised in a certain orphanage that he still considers home, I will not send my legion to run it down. Instead, I will "offer" to fund the place and reorganize it - using my Ear Worm theme song as orphanage's anthem is the very first step.
  • I will upgrade the Quirky Miniboss Squad to Ragtag Bunch of Misfits, including but not limited to a Villain Protagonist, a Lancer, a Smart Guy, a Big Guy and a Dark White Magician Girl. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
  • However strictly I feel I must stay to the rules above, I will always remember that I am, first and foremost, The EVIL Overlord. As such, any and all privileges that staff, minions, henchmen and townsfolk have can and will be revoked if it's needed.
  • If my evil plan requires sucking life energy from people, harvesting organs, making soylent green, or extracting bodily fluids from corpses, then I will make sure to do the grisly work in a clean environment out of sight of the general population. While it may be useful to occasionally publicly execute my enemies or to have corpses laying around to instill an environment of dread and fear... I should at least be able to keep things neat and tidy when necessary.
  • My guards will, at all times, carry a list with names and descriptions of people who are allowed entrance. They will also be informed that allowing in anyone who's not on the list, for any reason, will result in execution. Anyone who refuses to believe that their names aren't on the list, and insists that "there must be some kind of mistake", will be sent to the interrogation chamber.
    • Said interrogation chamber will be used to hold suspects while the guards check if it's really a documentary mistake (like a misspelled name or if the post's documents have failed to update about my assassin's recent loss of his eye). If it isn't, the suspects will be thrown into the basement dungeons for more serious interrogation.
      • In addition to this (and also regarding any deliveries period), I will make it clear that we ALWAYS have time to verify authenticity. Anyone who says anything like "there's no time to check back with headquarters, this has to be delivered to the master right away!!!" or "ok, I don't mind if we're late, so long as you're the one to explain it to the master" will be immediately shot. 9 out of 10 Evil Empires (and arguably systems of anything period) are defeated, not because a hero defeated security measures, but because somehow, someway, the hero convinced everyone to not even engage them in the first place.
  • If I ever find myself in a situation where me and my enemy are standing at opposite ends of a room with guns aimed at eachother, I will skip over the dialogue and just shoot him in the head before he causes any more trouble.
  • If I ever find myself in a position where I am able to kill someone the good guy is close to, I will just shoot them in the leg and walk away. No one wants to be the guy who just killed the hero's best friend.


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