You should be glad that cage is there.
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Season 1
Broken Bow, Parts 1 & 2
- Archer grousing at Trip for accidentally bumping the inspection pod against Enterprise's hull.Archer: Great. You scratched the paint.
- This little gem during the Starfleet admirals' conference with the Vulcans regarding Klaang:Admiral Leonard: It's a Kling-ott.Tos: A Kling-on.
- Archer's response to T'Pol after she says humans are too volatile to begin exploring the galaxy:
- Followed by T'Pol simply arching an eyebrow in reply.
- When Forrest approves Archer's mission to return Klaang to his homeworld, Soval has a very un-Vulcan-like display of anger, to which Archer replies:Archer: When your logic doesn't work, you raise your voice? (points at Soval) You've been on Earth too long.
- Followed by the Vulcans simply leaving the room.
- Reed's misgivings about the teleporter:Reed: I don't think I'm quite ready to have my molecules compressed into a data stream.
- In the novelization, Mayweather comments that the designers went through several terms, including "scramble" and "spear", before they settled on "beam". It was the only term that didn't scare people.
- Reed's Brief Accent Imitation of Trip ("Keep yer shirt on, Lyoo-tenant") as he tells Mayweather he's sure Trip'll reassure him his equipment will arrive the next day.
- And when they get to Engineering and Reed insists on re-aligning the deflector, Trip tells Reed exactly what he told Mayweather moments earlier.
- At the end of Archer and T'Pol's brief but tense verbal standoff, Porthos jumps up on her leg, causing Archer and Trip to share a small smile.
- Hoshi cussing out T'Pol...in Vulcan.Hoshi: Ponfo mirann.note
- Poor Hoshi trying to translate Klaang's ramblings.Klaang: (shouts in Klingonese)Hoshi: I'm not sure, but I think he said something about eating the afterlife?Klaang: (more Klingon)Hoshi: He says his wife has grown ugly?
- Phlox points out that Klaang isn't fully cognizant, and Hoshi can't help but agree:Hoshi: I think he's right, Captain, unless "stinky boots" has anything to do with all of this?
- When Klaang keeps right on ranting:Archer: Do you know how to tell him to shut up?Hoshi: (to Klaang, in English) Shut up!
- Phlox points out that Klaang isn't fully cognizant, and Hoshi can't help but agree:
- Travis's "Hey, I found her!" when he starts scanning for T'Pol, half a second after which she shows up frantically banging on the shuttlepod door.
- Dominic Keating himself considered this line to be one of his character's best:Reed: They're called phase pistols. They have two settings: "stun" and "kill." It would be best not to confuse them.
- Archer gets to test the new weapon:Archer: (shoots a Suliban) "Stun" seems to work.
- Archer gets to test the new weapon:
- Of course, the best exchange is between Trip and Klaang:Klaang: (shouts in Klingon)Trip: Well, I don't particularly like the way you smell, either!Klaang: (rolls eyes)
- The one before that is also pretty funny:Klaang: (shouts at Suliban in Klingon)Trip: You tell 'em, big guy.
- The one before that is also pretty funny:
Fight or Flight
- This exchange between Trip, who's eager for a new adventure, and Phlox in the mess hall:Phlox: If I'm not mistaken, they [two crewmen] are preparing to mate. Do you think they might let me watch?Trip: It's good to see you're enjoying yourself.
- Trip trying to persuade Archer to let him accompany the landing party aboard the alien ship.
Strange New World
- After Porthos runs off to a tree on the newly-discovered world:Trip: (amused) Where no dog has gone before.
- When Trip snaps a photo of the landing party on the new world, Archer puts an arm around T'Pol and tells her to smile. Naturally, she doesn't.Archer: (to Trip) Be sure to get a copy of that to the Vulcan High Command.
- Followed by:T'Pol: (to the landing party) You have your assignments. We'll rendezvous here at nineteen hundred hours, unless the captain wants us to pose for more pictures.
- Followed by:
- Trip and Travis's encounter with a pesky insect.Trip: Give me your boot!Travis: What for?Trip: So I can squash it!Travis: Are we allowed to squash alien life-forms?Trip: If they're inside your sleeping bag! [...] There it is. Wait a minute. Where'd you put the phase pistols?Travis: You wanna shoot a bug?Trip: I'm just going to stun it!
- Archer throwing a water polo ball at Reed when the latter enters his quarters.Archer: Nice catch. You'd make a good two-meter man. Too bad we don't have a pool on board.Reed: (totally unenthusiastic) A shame.
- In a somewhat dark way, Archer's "WTF?" expression when a delirious Novakovich yells at him to go to hell.
Unexpected
- Basically the entire episode, but especially the opening. Archer is in the shower when the grav plating malfunctions, and he and the water begin floating upwards. When Reed asks if it's caused any inconvenience, Archer just casually says "Oh, no, no, not at all" whilst clinging to the showerhead to stop himself from hitting the ceiling. Then a few seconds later, the grav plating comes back online and he falls back to the ground with a weary "Thank you!"
- After expressing to Phlox her distaste for Earth cuisine, T'Pol orders a carbonated water...only for the malfunctioning dispenser to produce black goop.Phlox: Now that's adventurous.
- When Trip tells Archer he thinks he can fix the ship's systems without dropping out of warp, an explosion takes place and Archer, after helping put out the fire, gives his chief engineer a look.Trip: (presses the comm button) Tucker to bridge. Might be a good idea to drop out of warp.
- T'Pol dressing down Trip like a stern schoolteacher after finding out about his pregnancy:T'Pol: Three days. You were only there for three days and you couldn't restrain yourself.Trip: (to Archer) I'm telling you, Captain, I was a complete gentleman the entire time.T'Pol: I imagine that's a question of how you would define "gentleman."
- From the same scene:T'Pol: This engineer wanted you to see her planet? [...] Perhaps the next step would have been to meet her holographic parents. If I'm not mistaken, on some planets, that's a precursor to marriage.Trip: We took a ride in a rowboat!
- Archer trying like hell to not laugh at T'Pol's comment.
- From the same scene:
- Trip making a big deal out of a lift in Engineering.Trip: Dillard!Dillard: Sir?Trip: Look at this lift.Dillard: Sir?Trip: It's an accident waiting to happen! This safety bar's a meter off the floor! What use would it be for a small person?Dillard: A small person?Trip: A short alien, a child. This thing's a deathtrap! (lifts the two rails and steps onto the platform) Look at this handrail. Put your hands here while this is going up or down, it'll take your fingers right off!Dillard: Why would someone put their hands there, sir?Trip: (Beat) Never mind.
- The waiter walking in on Phlox informing Trip that he'll be putting his extra nipples to use soon, and Trip huffily taking his food from the waiter, who immediately leaves the room.
- The Klingons laughing at Trip after he shows them the bulge on his ribs, as well as the bridge crew's awkward expressions.
- The Klingons sampling the Xyrillians' holodeck.Vorok: (points) I Can See My House from Here!
Terra Nova
- The Novan's word for nonsense/lies is "shale", which actually means soft sedimentary rock. Also Fridge Brilliance: such rock would presumably be unreliable to walk on.
- Hostage Malcolm trying to make chitchat with his captor by asking about his gun and complimenting his homemade body armour. The guy is not impressed.
The Andorian Incident
- Archer offers to share his blanket with T'Pol:Archer: There's room in here.T'Pol: I'm fine.Archer: You're freezing.T'Pol: It's been twenty four hours since I took my nasal numbing agent. The cold is preferable to the odor.
- Archer's ruse against the Andorians, ending with him being dragged back to the room by Shran's men while begging:Archer: Please, please, I can't stand another minute with the Vulcans! Please!
Breaking the Ice
- Reed and Mayweather become the first people to land on a comet. How do they celebrate that fact? A flag? No, that's too cliche. Snowball fight? Vacuum suits suck the fun out of it. How about a snowman?
- Archer chiding them because a Vulcan ship is looking over their shoulder.Archer: Archer to Lieutenant Reed.Reed: Go ahead, sir.Archer: How are you doing, Malcolm?Reed: We're just about to set the charges.Archer: I'm sure I don't need to remind you we're being observed.Reed: No, sir.Archer: We want this to go as smoothly as possible. Make a good impression.Reed: Right.Archer: So tell me, who's the sculptor?Reed: It won't be there for long, sir.
- Reed adds big, pointy ears to the snowman. And then blows it up.
- Archer chiding them because a Vulcan ship is looking over their shoulder.
- Some of the children's questions for the crew.
- Poor Sanitation Officer Tucker (who was asked where the waste goes when you flush the toilet):Trip: A poop question, sir? Can't I talk about the warp reactor or the transporter?Archer: It's a perfectly valid question.Trip: (nods at Hoshi to resume recording) The first thing you've got to understand is we recycle pretty much everything on a starship. That includes...waste, and the first thing that happens to the waste is it gets processed through a machine called a bio-matter resequencer. Then it gets broken down into... Hold on. (Hoshi pauses recording) They're going to think I'm the sanitation engineer.Archer: (trying and failing to suppress a smirk) You're doing fine.Trip: (recording resumes) So the waste is broken down into little molecules and then they get transformed into any number of things we can use on the ship—cargo containers, insulation, boots, you name it.Archer: Very enlightening, Commander.
- Phlox going on about a species of spacefaring virus until Archer politely cuts him off.
- Poor Sanitation Officer Tucker (who was asked where the waste goes when you flush the toilet):
- Archer suggesting Trip should take a phase pistol with him when he goes to apologize for reading T'Pol's personal message transmitted from the Vulcan ship.
Civilization
- Archer kissing the female alien scientist to hide the fact that he broke his universal translator.
Cold Front
- After Reed leaves the bridge to check out a targeting sensor, Mayweather is left in command. When Hoshi goads him to try out the captain's chair, he resists at first, but caves and sits in the chair. Just as he asks if anyone would mind if he fired a torpedo, Reed returns and gives him a Disapproving Look, then:Mayweather: Sorry, sir. (returns to the helm controls)
Silent Enemy
- Hoshi's assignment to find Malcolm's favorite food takes on humor because of her exasperation at the non-answers she gets from everyone she asks.
- Malcolm's sister can only remember a time when he fasted for a week, and only ate protein concentrate for two days afterwards.
- Malcolm's friend from Starfleet training remembers a seafood restaurant, but can't recall what the special was or if Malcolm had it...and then remembers that he only went there because he had a crush on the waitress.
Dear Doctor
- During Movie Night, Phlox spots Trip crying his eyes out, and Trip tells him, "Somethin' in my eye."
Sleeping Dogs
- Deciphering a Klingon control console, Hoshi reads off, "photon torpedoes," which Starfleet clearly doesn't have yet. Malcolm instantly appears at her shoulder, wanting to hear more.
Shadows of P'Jem
- The whole scene where Archer and T'Pol are snarking at each other whilst they try to get free of the ropes tying them together. Especially when they fall over and Archer face-plants in T'Pol's boobs.
- After getting cut off by Sopek, Trip grumbles that he's getting real sick of being cut off.
Shuttlepod One
- Reed dictating a letter to his loved ones while Trip is trying to get some sleep.Reed: Captain Archer claims you told him you weren't even aware that I was serving on Enterprise. I find that difficult to believe, considering I wrote you twice in the weeks prior to our departure. Now, it is possible that you never received those letters. You were, I believe, in the process of moving back to Malaysia at the time. But you must have spoken to Aunt Sherry during that period, and I know she received my letters. I would hate to go to my death thinking that either of you felt I was trying to avoid—Trip: Malcolm! You've been at it for hours now. Don't you think it's time to give it a rest?Reed: As I'm sure you must have heard, that was my esteemed colleague Commander Charles Tucker. Mister Tucker doesn't share my belief that it is essential to say what must be said, to leave a record, tie up loose ends. Mister Tucker is laboring under the false hope that we are going to be miraculously rescued before we both suffocate.Trip: (huffily gets up and storms over to the console) Mister and Mrs. Reed, I realize that you've just begun a period of mourning and that I'll never get an answer to this question, but I got to ask it anyway: Was Malcolm always this cynical?!Reed: In a few days, when the reality of this situation actually begins to sink in, you might very well decide you want to record some logs of your own. You have my word, I will not interrupt you.
- Reed's dream about flirting with T'Pol after waking up in Sickbay. What makes it especially funny is that during the flirting in the dream, he jokes about renaming himself to Stinky, then upon seeing T'Pol smile, teases her by calling her "Stinky". Then, Trip asks who Stinky is, because Reed had been sleep-talking.
- Reed and Trip getting pretty smashed later on.Reed: Does that sound modulated enough for you?Trip: Modulated?Reed: The radio. Or is it just the galaxy giggling at us again? (takes another drink)Trip: It can giggle all it wants, but the galaxy's not getting any of our bourbon.
- Their conversation then turns toward their attractive Vulcan science officer:Reed: Hey, what do you think of T'Pol, hmm? Do you think she's pretty?Trip: T'Pol? Are you serious?Reed: Well, she's a woman, you know? I think she's pretty.Trip: You've had too much to drink.Reed: Don't tell me you've never looked at her, you know, in that way.Trip: Nah, she's a Vulcan.Reed: Well, I think she's pretty.Trip: Oh, God.Reed: You ever noticed her bum?Trip: What?Reed: Her bum. She's got an awfully nice bum.Trip: To Sub-Commander T'Pol!Reed: Awfully nice!
- Their conversation then turns toward their attractive Vulcan science officer:
- Reed's giddy happiness after learning Enterprise is okay, as well as Trip's Oh, Crap! expression when they realize they're too far away from Enterprise.
- Also, during that moment, they say, "It's not impossible! It's Hoshi!", which kind of makes it sound as though Impossible is a person.
- "You know, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure you use up a lot more oxygen WHEN YOU SHOUT LIKE THAT!"
Fusion
- Trip and Kov provide some levity in an otherwise grim episode.
- Kov has some misconceptions about humans from Vulcan anthropologists, for example that humans eat six meals a day and sleep half the time.
Trip: No, no! They're not trying to kill the quarterback, they're just trying to stop him from throwing the ball!- Trip tries to ask Kov about Vulcan mating rituals in a discreet manner, and Kov straight-up asks if he means sex loud enough to garner looks from nearby crewmembers, much to Trip's embarrassment.
- While it's horrifying during the mind meld, it's kind of funny during the dream T'Pol has: the music, which initially sounds like Sexophone music but then devolves into what sounds like a drunk person playing the saxophone.
Acquisition
- Grish and Muk attempt to interrogate Porthos. Porthos, being a dog, naturally doesn't understand what they want and just happily wags his tail and barks.Grish: Where—is—the vault? Do—you—understand—ME?Porthos: Woof!
- And after they fail to communicate with him, Grish and Muk debate whether Porthos is Archer's next meal or really the one in charge since he has by far the biggest ears out of anyone in the crew.
- After the action's over, T'Pol has the key to free Archer from some handcuffs, and he graciously asks her to unlock him. However, first she asks him to clarify all of those "nice" things he told the Ferengi about her while she was (supposedly) unconscious. You can see Archer think, "Oh, now you have a sense of humor."
- When the Ferengi are looking over the unconscious humans, one of them looks at someone's ear and grunts in disapproval.
Vox Sola
- Travis is trying to get people interested in movie night. Malcolm is unconvinced as it's in French with subtitles. Travis tells him the film has explosions. Cue interested noise.
- As movie night begins, Malcolm reminds Travis that he was promised explosions.
Fallen Hero
- The episode opens with both Tucker and Archer choking on their dinner from shock. It soon transpires that T'Pol was concerned they were suffering from "lack of sexual activity", and asked the two of them with typical Vulcan bluntness
- Trip entering the bridge wearing a Hawaiian shirt in preparation for shore leave on Risa.T'Pol: If you're wearing that to impress the women on Risa, you may as well stay on board.
Trip: Rule number one—you gotta be seen to get noticed. And I plan on gettin' noticed.
Archer: (chuckling) Don't say she didn't warn you.
Trip: Figured out your itinerary yet?
Archer: I think I'm gonna pass.
Trip: Cap'n, you need this as much as I do.
Archer: Nobody needs this as much as you do. - When Enterprise is ordered to escort Ambassador V'Lar as soon as possible and Archer asks Forrest what the emergency is:Forrest: Well, this may come as a shock to you, Jon, but the Vulcans aren't talking.Archer: Imagine that.
Desert Crossing
- The looks on Trip's and Archer's faces when Zobral serves them blood soup, with "the essence of the male".
- When Archer explains that Trip, due to his heatstroke, can't fall asleep or he'll go into a coma, he actually thinks a coma sounds good he's so sleepy. Then, they decide to play a game about naming places beginning with letters and argue over whether "Xanadu" counts.
Two Days and Two Nights
- Trip's hilariously horrified reaction when the hot women Reed and he followed downstairs turn out to be bat-like shapeshifters.
- Phlox's half-asleep ramblings when he gets woken from hibernation early to treat Travis Mayweather.Phlox: I don't care what it tastes like!
- When they explain that Travis is injured, Phlox says, "Well, get the doctor!" and has to be told that he's the doctor. He also wants to use Regulan bloodworms to treat Travis, suddenly decides that fresh ones are better, contacts the bridge and tells them to set course to Regulus at maximum warp.
- Hoshi compares a Risian fruit to a kiwi, only to find out that "kiwi" means "kiss" in Risian.
Shockwave, Part 1
- Trip expressing his annoyance with Phlox's endless optimism after Enterprise's mission is cancelled.
- Regardless of how you feel about Hoshi losing her shirt, what she says afterwards is funny.Hoshi: "Whatever it is you want to say, I don't want to hear it. Just get me a shirt."
Season 2
Shockwave, Part 2
- T'Pol, even after getting drugged and tortured by the Suliban, wonders what Archer is doing on the ceiling rather than on a monitor.
- Moments before, "The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is... Not fair."
- For a lot of fans, the gazelle speech
(where Archer says that humans, unlike gazelles who can walk right away, take a long time to develop) goes here for Narm reasons.
Carbon Creek
- T'Pol's great-grandma's coworker apparently got compared to a Stooge because of his hairdo.
- T'Pol's great-grandma putting her dress on backwards.
A Night in Sickbay
- The scene in Archer's dream at the cemetery. Basically, he dreams that Porthos dies and Phlox is the priest reciting a eulogy about how he was eager to "lend a paw". Hoshi, T'Pol, and Malcolm Reed are also there, looking sad.
- The bat-chasing in Sickbay. Phlox's pet bat flies out of her cage and he and Archer chase after her with nets, while all the while Phlox is still speculating that Archer has a crush on T'Pol, much to Archer's annoyance. They try scaring the bat with a puppet of a hawk, but it doesn't work, and eventually it flies into Hoshi's arms.
- When Archer finds out that Porthos was made sick as a punishment for peeing on a tree, Archer threatens to "water" the trees himself if Porthos dies. T'Pol then chastises Porthos for not being sapient enough to talk or "use a toilet".
The Seventh
- A Vulcan ship is making contact with Enterprise while Archer is away with T'Pol and Mayweather trying to track down a Vulcan fugitive. It turns out that it's just there to deliver a message:Vulcan Captain: (utterly confused) Cal beat Stan-ford seven to three.
Singularity
- When Travis goes to see Phlox about his headache, Phlox suggests a few possibilities, from simple tension to the time in "Dead Stop" when his brain got jacked into the repair station's computer. "On the other hand, Terrelian plague starts out with a simple headache, and then all manner of nasty things begin to happen..." The look on Travis's face...
- Trip comparing Reed's tactical alert klaxon to "a bag full o' cats".
Vanishing Point
- Trip wonders if the hieroglyphic about several short stickmen admiring a tall stickman means "tall guys are popular". He then calls the hieroglyphic "Mr. Tall and Popular".
- When Hoshi says that she's afraid she's been incorrectly put together, Trip says, "All the king's horses and all the king's men."
Precious Cargo
- The episode begins with a cool shot of Enterprise flying at warp through space...set to a harmonica playing. Thanks for the music, Trip.
- Trip and Kaitamma's interactions, culminating with them hooking up.
- One argument they have is over whether Trip or Kaitamma holds more authority in the swamp they crashed in. Trip maintains that he does, and he's "King of the Swamp".
- Archer and T'Pol play Good Cop/Bad Cop with one of the Space Pirates, Archer solemnly explaining "Judicial Administrator" T'Pol's harsh methods.
- Archer bowing to Judicial Administrator T'Pol, followed by the space pirate hastily following suit.
Stigma
- Trip's B-plot, in which Mrs. Phlox #2, Feezal, starts flirting with him as soon as she comes aboard, even in front of Phlox. When Trip finally decides to come clean to Phlox about what's going on, Phlox surprises him by encouraging the affair, meaning that Trip's worrying was All for Nothing.
- Feezal is not subtle about this, either. All Trip wants to do is work with some Denobulan gadgetry, and she is just all over him, like it's a cheesy porno.Feezal: Insert the thick end into this opening. It'll automatically program the frequency. You can pull it out now. [smiles at him]
- Feezal is not subtle about this, either. All Trip wants to do is work with some Denobulan gadgetry, and she is just all over him, like it's a cheesy porno.
Cease Fire
- Soval snarking on Archer after they hear weapons fire while making their way from the downed shuttlepod:Soval: Not quite the warm welcome you expected, Captain?
- This exchange:Archer: I'll go. My ears aren't as likely to attract gunfire. [heads off]Soval: What is their fixation with our ears?T'Pol: I believe they are envious.
- After Archer refers to a compromise as "a solution neither side is happy with":Shran: In that case, these talks have been extremely successful.
Canamar
- An otherwise dark-as-midnight episode has some humor value with Trip being chained up next to an incessant Motor Mouth.
The Crossing
- One alien possesses Malcolm Reed, and in the turbolift with a woman, he notes that men and women have anatomical differences... then looks down at his pants. Doubly funny because she's unaware that he's possessed, so she's wondering why the chief of security is suddenly being so weird about their sexes.
- The possessed Malcolm Reed then walks into T'Pol's quarters and initially asks her to disrobe so they can "mate", then when she tells him she's not interested, he points out that they're opposite sexes from each other and if he puts her into the non-corporeal realm, she'll know what it's like to be male.
- The first sign that Trip is possessed is he's never tried bread before.
Horizon
- The b-plot with Trip trying to get T'pol to watch Frankenstein movies with the rest of the crew is a lot of fun. But when Archer gets in on it, we get this gem:Archer: Tell you what, let's make a night of it. Dinner in the Captain's Mess eighteen hundred, movie at nineteen thirty. You'll be my date!T'Pol (deer-in-headlights face): ...I beg your pardon?
- Sure enough, T'pol winds up enjoying Frankenstein, and offers an analysis that makes one long for more Vulcan movie reviews.T'Pol: From my perspective, this was the story of an individual persecuted by humans.Trip: That's one way of looking at it.T'Pol: In many ways, the film seemed quite prophetic. The reaction of the villagers, for example. It was similar to the reception Vulcans received after landing on Earth.Archer: I don't recall anyone greeting a Vulcan ambassador with torches and pitchforks.T'Pol: Nevertheless, many humans reacted with fear and anger.Archer: They didn't know what to expect.T'Pol: I'm going to recommend that Ambassador Soval watch the film.Trip: ...you're kidding.T'Pol: I believe it would help Vulcans who've recently arrived on Earth. [Trip gives Archer a "You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me!" face]Archer: Maybe inviting her to movie night wasn't such a great idea.T'Pol: On the contrary. I'm looking forward to Bride of Frankenstein.
- Sure enough, T'pol winds up enjoying Frankenstein, and offers an analysis that makes one long for more Vulcan movie reviews.
The Breach
- The look on Hoshi's face when Phlox feeds a tribble to one of his creatures.
- Before heading down to Xantoras to rescue the trapped geologists, Trip's expression after he inquires about waste disposal units and Travis tells him they take out everything they bring in.
Cogenitor
- Phlox about to show Trip his Porn Stash when the engineer inquires about the Vissians' third gender. Trip can't get out of there fast enough.Phlox: Well, hmm hmm, I have pictures!
Regeneration
- Archer and Reed discover that crippling Borg drones is as easy as ripping out those exposed cables connected to their skulls until they stop moving.
First Flight
- Archer and Robinson get into a Bar Brawl, and what is Trip's first thought? "Save the beer!" Priorities in order.
Season 3
The Xindi
- Reed and Archer are on a planet with a slightly toxic atmosphere:Archer: Try not to breathe.Reed: I'll try, sir.
Anomaly
- When Enterprise hits the anomaly field, a distortion goes through Archer's desk and throws his coffee cup into the air, with both the cup and its contents slowly falling through the air. When he gets back from investigating the derelict ship, the cup is still suspended in the air. He then grabs it and sets it back on his desk.
- Trip is still hesitant to undergo neuropressure with T'Pol, so Phlox offers him an alternative: Leeches! Trip immediately agrees to see T'Pol.
North Star
- Trip's initial difficulty riding a horse after telling T'Pol he's seen every John Ford western.
- During the climactic fight between the landing party and the cowboys, T'Pol is caught and used as a Vulcan Shield by one of the cowboys against Reed. What does Reed do? Stun T'Pol so she goes down, THEN stun the distracted cowboy. It's both awesome AND hilarious.
- Reed's shrug before stunning the cowboy makes it better.
Carpenter Street
- When Loomis gets arrested at the end, he's trying to get the police to believe his ranting about Lizard Folk with Ray Guns while he's still groggy from being phaser-stunned, making him sound like an insane hobo. Considering that he'd been kidnapping people for money — which came from the Xindi-Reptilians who were using the blood from the kidnapped victims to create a bio-weapon to kill everyone on Earth — it comes with a nice side of Laser-Guided Karma.
Proving Ground
- Shran's ruse against the Xindi.Shran: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Shran of the Andorian Mining Consortium.Degra: You've entered restricted space. Leave immediately.Shran: Restricted? I had no idea. We don't want to cause any trouble. We're looking for a rare element—archerite. We picked up some promising readings coming from your system.Degra: I don't care what you're looking for. Turn your ship around and leave.Shran: Of course, of course, but you don't mind if we finish our scans? Archerite is extremely valuable to us. Even a few kilos will pay our expenses for the next ten cycles.Thalen: They're scanning our ships.Shran: We're not trying to violate your privacy. Our sensors are omni-directional. There's nothing to be concerned about.Degra: Deactivate your scans and leave, or we'll destroy you.Shran: There's no need for threats. We'll leave, but if this system does contain archerite, you just missed out your opportunity to collect a generous percentage.
- Shran's statement that "The Andorian Mining Consortium runs from no one!"
- Followed by Archer and T'Pol sharing a look.
- Shran's statement that "The Andorian Mining Consortium runs from no one!"
Harbinger
- During Reed and Hayes' big fight, a nameless crewman stumbles upon them. Reed orders him "As you were"...just before Hayes's fist shoots out to send him flying. And the crewman just winces and walks away.
- The look on Trip's face when T'Pol explains that having sex with him was just an "experiment," and the line "I don't appreciate being compared to lab rat!"
- Reed and Hayes getting chewed out by Archer after their fight.Archer: (to Reed) Doctor Phlox says you have a detached retina, (to Hayes) a bruised left kidney. (walking around the two men) We're in a dangerous region of space. We're trying to stop an alien race from destroying Earth. We face attacks from all sides, enemies everywhere we go. The last thing I need is to hear that two of my senior officers have been admitted to Sickbay because they suddenly regressed to the level of five-year-olds!Reed: Captain—Archer: Don't try to tell me who started it! I don't know what the problem is between you two, and to tell you the truth, I don't care, but I want it settled right now!(Beat)Archer: (gets right in their faces) SETTLE IT! That's an order!(Reed and Hayes briefly glance at each other)Reed: There's no problem, Captain.Hayes: It's settled, sir.
- Archer, in a calmer tone, then asks how combat drills are going, to which Hayes quickly replies "Good, sir" and Reed "Very good, sir."
- After Archer is summoned to Sickbay, he leaves Reed and Hayes standing right where they are, and Reed tentatively asks Hayes "Think we're dismissed?"
Doctor's Orders
- The moment where Phlox trots into sickbay...in the nude.
- And the whole sequence is basically one "concealment" after another as he goes about his merry business.
- The look on T'Pol's face when Phlox is watching The Court Jester.
Azati Prime
- Trip and Travis get a couple funny lines while learning how to fly a Xindi-Insectoid shuttle. Especially when Trav accidentally backs it into the wall of the launch bay.Travis: I think I found reverse.Trip: Great, but unless we plan to fly in ass-first, we'd better figure out how to make it go forward.
- And then, when they do get it flying, Trip manages to sideswipe Enterprise.Trip: Sorry!Archer: No problem. I'll send you the bill.
- Just about all of the initial interrogation scene, where Archer is really sticking it to the Xindi-Reptilians.Archer: Still, the reptiles might've come out on top if it hadn't been for a slight disadvantage.Dolim: And what was that?Archer: They had brains the size of a walnut. That's very small. Apparently, it's a constant in the universe.Dolim: (visibly resists the urge to strangle Archer)
The Forgotten
- Phlox tries to convince an overworked and exhausted Trip to get some sleep, and ends up negotiating with him over this.Trip: I can give you two hours.Phlox: I believe the number was six.Trip: If I'm gone longer than three, there may not be a ship here when I get back!Phlox: Four. Not a minute less.Trip: (Beat) Deal. And remind me never to buy a car from you.
Season 4
Storm Front, Part 2
- Reed getting momentarily distracted by Nazi Stukas.Reed: German dive-bombers. Stukas. Nothing too much to worry about. However, they were fitted with sirens to frighten the enemy during an attack. They fire seven point nine millimeter rounds...T'Pol: Mister Reed.
Cold Station 12 (Part 2 of 3)
- This fine bit:Dr. Lucas: You son of a bitch.Soong: (Beat) Actually, Mother was a chemist.
The Augments (Part 3 of 3)
- Archer letting out a relieved breath after successfully tricking a Klingon ship into believing that Enterprise is escorting the Klingon Chancellor.
- Why does this ruse work? Archer accidentally leaned into some existing rumours about the Chancellor's "negotations" with Orion females. Reed is visibly trying not to laugh as this comes across.
- Soong tries to persuade the attacking Klingons to leave Archer and company alone by extolling their virtues in Klingon. It doesn't work.Soong: (to Archer) I tried.
The Forge (Part 1 of 3)
- After hearing a sehlat in the desert at night:Archer: You had [a sehlat] as a pet?noteT'Pol: You have Porthos.Archer: Porthos doesn't try to eat me when I'm late with his dinner!T'Pol: Vulcan children are never late with their sehlat's dinner.Archer: I can believe that.
Kir'Shara (Part 3 of 3)
- During the space battle between the Vulcan and Andorian fleets, Shran takes a moment to hail Enterprise and deliver this message:Shran: Tell Archer that's two he owes me!
Observer Effect
- Trip's story to Hoshi while they're in decon:Trip: When I was a kid, not so good at building. But I was a terror when it came to taking things apart. My folks used to put all our kitchen appliances on the highest shelves. One Thanksgiving, I have no idea what I was thinking, but I removed every screw from this big dining room table we had. It was so old, the wood sort of stuck together, so it stayed standing until my dad put the turkey down. I spent the next month in my room.Hoshi: How old were you?Trip: Oh, twenty-four, twenty-five.
Babel One (Part 1 of 3)
- Archer's expression after Hoshi cautions him to keep Porthos out of the Tellarites' sight because Tellarites consider canines a delicacy. He then looks at Porthos, who hides his face.
- After Trip remarks how nice it is to be able to speak one's mind for a change, Archer firmly asks him if he feels he can't be straight with the rest of the crew. Trip thinks Archer is practicing his Tellarite, but Archer's expression suggests otherwise, so he makes a quick exit out of the mess hall. Once Trip is gone, Archer smiles in amusement, meaning he was trolling Trip the whole time.
- Immediately followed by this exchange:Archer: When in Rome.T'Pol: I beg your pardon?Archer: Forget it.
- Immediately followed by this exchange:
United (Part 2 of 3)
- Gral's reply after Archer suggests he and Shran should act more like humans in order to deal with the Romulan marauder:Gral: And you said you wouldn't be insulting.
- Archer getting all those fighting tips, especially the one from the Tellarite:Gral: Better to insert between the eyes and twwwist!
- After Trip and Reed escape from the Romulan marauder and are beamed back aboard Enterprise, Trip trolls Reed.Trip: Thanks for what you did back there.Reed: Yeah, you would've done the same for me.Trip: No, you took a big chance. Which makes what I have to do all the more difficult. (Beat) I'm putting you on report.Reed: You're what?Trip: You disobeyed a direct order.Reed: (shocked) I saved your life! If you put a reprimand in my file, it could be years before I'm even eligible for— (sees Trip starting to grin and laugh) Are you pulling my leg?Trip: (laughing openly now) Malcolm, you're just such an easy target.
Affliction (Part 1 of 2)
- A fine example of Black Comedy: As Phlox argues with Antaak over killing a Klingon prisoner to conduct medical research, K'Vagh draws his disruptor, shoots the Klingon dead, and flatly tells Phlox "Proceed" before exiting the room.
- Antaak urging his pet targ Boshar to back off of Phlox.Antaak: Boshar! Feeding time is over. (waving a hand) Go back!
Divergence (Part 2 of 2)
- Trip suggesting that Archer should keep the Klingon ridges because they make him look intimidating, and Archer's expression right after.
- After Antaak is cured of the virus, he's depressed about his lack of ridges, thinking his targ won't even be able to recognize him without them. He then adds that the High Command won't probably let him keep his job and needs to think of a replacement and gets the idea to try cranial reconstructive surgery, which Phlox thinks will be very popular.
Bound
- The reactions of the bridge crew after T'Pol mentions previous reports of Berengaria VII describing sightings of dragons.
- Trip's reaction to learning about his probable mating bond with T'Pol, which makes him immune to the Orion women's pheromones:Trip: I don't know whether to be relieved, or reeeeally worried...
- Trip says indignantly that "We didn't mate!" He's actually taking offense to T'Pol's choice of words, but T'Pol just gives a skeptical "Uh-huh..."
- The truly epic failure of the Orion women's charms on Trip after he arrives on the bridge and stuns the male crewmembers:Navaar: Commander Tucker. I'm impressed. I'm beginning to see who's the true master of this vessel.Trip: (holding the Orions at gunpoint) Oh, save it. Captain Archer runs this ship. You're sweet-talking the wrong guy. Let's go.
- At the end, Trip tries to confirm if T'Pol was trying to be funny:Trip: Was that...a joke?T'Pol: Believe me, if I ever decide to make a joke, you'll know it.
In a Mirror, Darkly — Part 1
- In a Black Comedy way, the opening is funny, especially with all the uplifting music from First Contact playing right before things take a turn decidedly for the worse:Solkar: Live long, and prosper. [gives the Vulcan salute][Cochrane tries to imitate the salute and fails. The background music segues discordantly into a darker theme as Cochrane reaches into his coat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the ambassador]Grizzled Old Man: Board their ship! Take everything you can![Yelling savagely, the crowd charges up the ramp into the Vulcan ship, guns blazing. We fade out to the modified opening credits...]
- Mirror-Archer being startled by the Tholian pulling a Jump Scare in the decon chamber.
- This:Mirror-Archer: [to Tholian prisoner] Tell me what I want to know.[Tholian speaks]Mirror-Hoshi: [translating for Mirror-Archer] Something about your "maternal ancestor."
- This:
In a Mirror, Darkly — Part 2
- Mirror-Hoshi finding Mirror-Archer wearing a green wraparound tunic.
- While Mirror-T'Pol is trying to persuade Mirror-Phlox to help her and Mirror-Soval kill Mirror-Archer, Mirror-Soval eagerly tells Mirror-Phlox "Don't forget the women!"
- During the Avenger's attack on the Defiant, Mirror-Archer, at one point, is seen in the captain's chair with his head down in his clenched fists.
Demons (Part 1 of 2)
- Archer ordering Trip to "Clap louder!" after Trip gripes about Minister Samuels not acknowledging Enterprise's contributions to the prospective Coalition of Planets. He even says "That's an order!"
- Paxton introducing himself to Trip and T'Pol:Paxton: It's not worth it, Romeo. Juliet's in good hands. The two star-crossed lovers. I can't help but wonder whether your little drama will end happier than that famous double suicide in a medieval tomb.Trip: Who the hell are you?Paxton: John Frederick Paxton. I run this facility.Trip: Not for long.
- Followed by this:Trip: You're behind this.Paxton: "Behind this?" No. I lead this, and proudly too.
- Followed by this:
- Paxton denies Trip's request to see his and T'Pol's daughter with a brief but grand speech:Paxton: No. And "no" is a word that Starfleet better get used to hearing from now on. Because up until today, it's always been "yes," hasn't it? "Yes, yes, go right ahead. Roam the stars." "Yes, inform potentially hostile species of the whereabouts of Earth." "Yes, entrust the entire future of our world to non-human creatures who don't even feel like we do." "Yes, promote the total degradation of mankind by encouraging alien-human relations!" Well, "yes" is a word that ends here and now!
Terra Prime (Part 2 of 2)
- After Josiah insults baby Elizabeth and Trip stands up, clearly about to go full-on Papa Wolf, Josiah tells him to "Go ahead." Trip pauses for a moment, then calmly tells him "Okay" and decks the bastard. Also qualifies as a Moment of Awesome.
- Reed getting motion sickness as the shuttlepod makes its way to Mars hidden by a comet.
- As the shuttlepod makes its descent with the comet:Travis: Bypassing auto flight control. Switching to manual!Reed: At this speed?!
- And after they make it to Mars:
- As the shuttlepod makes its descent with the comet:
- Phlox one-upping Reed on how many planets they've each visited.Reed: Thirty-two. [...] This is the thirty-second planet I've set foot on.Phlox: Two hundred and forty-eight.
These Are the Voyages...
- The episode starts with the bridge officers talking about Archer's speech, musing about how he'll go out of his way to avoid taking credit for his (absolutely essential) role in forming The Federation. A moment later, Archer wanders in, PADD in hand, grumbling that no matter how he words his speech, it sounds like he's trying to take credit for everything. You can almost hear Malcolm thinking "Called it!"
- Riker freezing the holodeck program and giving T'Pol a peck on the cheek after listening to her advice.
- Riker and Troi touring the holodeck re-creation of the NX-01.Riker: [to Troi, about Archer's quarters] Our brig is bigger than this.
- Riker almost hits his head on a girder.
- On the NX-01's bridge, Troi sits in the captain's chair and comments it's "comfy," followed by Riker noting there's no chair for the first officer.
- Troi checking out Archer:Troi: He's cute.Riker: Don't get any ideas.
- Shran's daughter calling Archer "pink-skin" as she thanks him for saving her.
- Data's off-screen cameo:Troi: Can I give you a rain-check?[Door chimes]
Meta
- Unless you're watching Enterprise first, before any other Star Trek of any kind, anytime T'Pol says "The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is impossible" is likely to elicit anything from a fit of giggles to gales of laughter to snickering about how what would eventually become something of a franchise staple is so casually dismissed here.
