Some of J. M. Barrie's stage directions include some hilarious commentary and speculation on the actions, the characters, the scenery and even anticipated audience reactions. Some of them make it into the narrative of the novel, some of them don't — but they're extra funny because there's no way they could have come forth on-stage; they're purely there for the entertainment of the actors and other people working on the play. Some highlights:
The opening paragraph of Act I: "The night nursery of the Darling family, which is the scene of our opening Act, is at the top of a rather depressed street in Bloomsbury. We have a right to place it where we will, and the reason Bloomsbury is chosen is that Mr. Roget once lived there. So did we in days when his Thesaurus was our only companion in London; and we whom he has helped to wend our way through life have always wanted to pay him a little compliment. The Darlings therefore lived in Bloomsbury."
After Mr. Darling has locked Nana out for the night, the stage directions read: "Let us hope that he then retires to his study, looks up the word 'temper' in his Thesaurus, and under the influence of those benign pages becomes a better man."
From the description of Captain Hook: "He is never more sinister than when he is most polite, and the elegance of his diction, the distinction of his demeanour, show him one of a different class from his crew, a solitary among uncultured companions. This courtliness impresses even his victims on the high seas, who note that he always says 'Sorry' when prodding them along the flank."
And from the description of Tiger Lily: "She is the belle of the Piccaninny tribe, whose braves would all have her to wife, but she wards them off with a hatchet."
After Peter temporarily banishes Tinker Bell: "TINK goes off sulking, no doubt with the intention of giving all her friends an entirely false impression of WENDY'S appearance."
During Peter's battle with Hook, he calls him a "dark and sinister man," and the stage-directions note: "Some say that he had to ask TOOTLES whether the word was 'sinister' or 'canister.'"
Michael gets a "kids say the darnest things" moment early in the play:
Michael: At what time was I born, mother? Mrs. Darling: At two o'clock in the night-time, dearest. Michael: Oh, mother, I hope I didn't wake you.
Slightly bragging that he alone of the Lost Boys knows his original name including his last name — he knows it because the pinafore he was wearing when he was lost had the words "Slightly Soiled" written on the tag.
Slightly pretending to be a doctor in order to "cure" the unconscious Wendy. He clearly has no idea what a doctor is supposed to act like other than a vague feeling that they say "tut, tut" a lot — and so he inserts "tut, tut" in all his lines whether it's appropriate or not.
During the "playing house" part, when everyone pretends to be a family, Tootles decides he wants to be someone else for a while, but nobody will let him take their role in the group:
Tootles: I don't suppose that I could be the father? Wendy: No, Tootles. Tootles: As I can't be the father. I don't suppose, Michael, you would let me be the baby? Michael: No, I won't! Tootles: As I can't be the baby, do you think I could be a twin? Twins: No, indeed! It's awfully difficult to be a twin. Tootles: As I can't be anything important... would any of you like to see me do a trick? Everyone: No!
The entire mini-subplot with Hook baking a cake for the Lost Boys and filling it with poison, especially the part where Hook gleefully explains the plan to Smee:
" We will leave the cake on the shore of the mermaids' lagoon. These boys are always swimming about there, playing with the mermaids. They will find the cake and they will gobble it up, because, having no mother, they don't know how dangerous 'tis to eat rich damp cake." He burst into laughter, not hollow laughter now, but honest laughter. "Aha, they will die."
Needless to say, the plan fails, and the cake doesn't play any real part in the plot, but the narrative briefly notes what eventually happened to it:
In time it lost its succulence, and became as hard as a stone, and was used as a missile, and Hook fell over it in the dark.
One of the last conversations between Peter, Wendy and Tinker Bell, when she tries to convince him to stay with her and not return to Neverland:
Wendy: It will be rather lonely in the evening, sitting by the fire. Peter: I shall have Tink. Wendy: Tink can't go a twentieth part of the way round. Tinker Bell:Sneaky tell-tale!
"I've never shaved him this close before!" (Smee thought Hook lost his head.)
"Cap'n... no splash."
"So you want a splash, Mr Starkey? I'LL GIVE YA A SPLASH!!"
Wendy: Father! What have you done to your shirt? Mr. Darling: What have I...? OOOHH!!!
"Girls talk too much."
Followed by Wendy's "Yes, girls talk too...huh? Oh..."
He didn't mean stop, he told Wendy to continue. "Well? Get on with it, girl."
The mermaids. "We were only trying to drown her."
Peter Pan: "There, you see, Wendy?"
Smee shaves the feathers off a seagull's butt. Then he puts some aftershave on his hand and gave the seagull a nice firm pat on the butt.
Drunk Smee. "*sobs* Ain't it a BLOOMIN' *hic* SHAME?!!"
Tinkerbell's disgust at the size of her hips...and then a few moments later those same hips get her stuck in a keyhole.
When Peter asks Tink if she knew her treachery could have killed Wendy, Tink pauses, then just shamelessly smiles and nods her head.
The crocodile chase in Skull Rock. Enough said.
Even better is when he goes skimming off over the ocean at the movie's end, so it goes, "SMEEEE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE..."
When Pan finds out that Tiger Lily has been kidnapped by Hook, the Crocodile is pursuing Hook as usual, he then stops and looks at Peter and Wendy, smiling at them before continuing his pursuit, as though his thought process is, "Food Food Food Oh hi Peter, Food Food Food."
More of the Crocodile. Just his expressions when he's watching the final battle with Hook, waiting for Hook to fall overboard. At one point, he's just moving his arm around in the water, watching the battle with a very bored expression, as if to say "Yay, exciting, yipee, when is it gonna be time to eat?"
"The poor captain has a splitting headache. We mustn't annoy him." *KLANG*
The scene where Hook orders Smee to capture Tink, where Smee lands in his dinghy, rows the boat on the deck and falls overboard.
Just the animation and how fast it is really sells it. The way Smee fumbles with the oars and zooms right off the deck, crashing through the framework all in a matter of seconds kills me.
Our first look at Mr. Darling. His searching his dresser, starting with the top drawer before looking in the bottom.
Mr. Darling: Mary, if I don't find my cufflinks, we're not going to the party. And if we don't go to the party, then I can never show my face in the office. And if I can't show my face in the office- (bumps head on top drawer)
Narrator: Mr. Darling was a very practical man...
Peter Pan tricks Smee by impersonating Captain Hook's voice:
Peter Pan: For the last time, Mr Smee. Take the princess back to her people. UUNDERSTAAANDDD??? (the entire cave shook by his loud echo) Smee:(voice shaking) Uh, aye, aye, sir.
The Crocodile's first appearance. Hook is, of course, terrified, but Smee just treats the approaching reptile like a housepet that's come for tablescraps;
"Look what you've done now, giving the poor captain a scare like that! Shoo, now! There'll be no hand-outs today! Go on, now, shoo!"
The Crocodile's return at Skull Rock.
Peter Pan: Oh Mr. Crocodile, do you like codfish? (Crocodile nods) You DO?
Wendy: Oh Peter, no!
Mr. Darling's reaction to Mrs. Darling voicing her concern about Wendy mentioning that she had seen Peter Pan's shadow. The sheer sarcasm that's just dripping from his words is hilarious.
The song may be politically incorrect today, but "What Made the Redman Red?" has a funny moment near the song's end when the chief is shown in close up with a stoic expression, arms folded - then the camera zooms out to show his legs dancing up a storm, Riverdance-style.
Return To Neverland
The Lost Boys get some really funny moments in this movie.
Cubby's indignant "Let's play the 'No more hitting Cubby on the head' game!" when the Lost Boys are arguing about which game to play. He immediately gets bonked on the head again.
Slightly, Nibs and the Twins' reaction when Peter comments that Jane is acting like a grown-up: Slightly pretends to stick a finger down his throat, the Twins back off, huddle together and stick out a wooden sword to defend themselves, and Nibs is making a cross out of his index fingers to ward off the evil word!
When Peter tosses Jane off a huge rock to try and make her fly, the Lost Boys run frantically around on the ground below, trying to catch her, all shouting "I got her! I got her!" They spectacularly fail to catch her, and she crashes into the ground, making a Jane-shaped hole. Upon which Cubby says, guiltily: "I thought you said you got her..."
While the scene where Slightly plays "doctor" to Tinkerbell is not played for laughs, there is a funny detail in that the thermometer he uses is simply marked "GOOD — OK — VERY BAD," and Slightly's diagnose after checking the thermometer is that it "looks kinda bad."
Causing Cubby to freak out: "Kinda bad?! KINDA?! Oh, it's hopeless! Poor little Tinkerbell!"
Tootles ignoring every possible physical law and lifting up all the water in a small puddle — in which a fish is lounging as if in a hot-tub — to see if Jane is hiding under the water. Made even better by the stunned look on the face of the fish.
When Peter tells the captured boys "Be brave, lads! Don't let them see you cry!", they immediately slink behind the mast they're tied to so the pirates won't see them... and then begin bawling loudly.
Captain Hook showing Jane a picture of his "mother" — who looks like Hook in drag, complete with pencil-mustache and two hooks.
"I promised I wouldn't harm a single hair on his head. And —" *ploink!* "— THIS is the one I won't harm!"
"Here, you keep it. The rest of him is mine!"
Jane sailing off, to the triumphant theme of "Rule Britannia"... only for the song to lose in strength as the raft sinks, finishing off with a strong note when Jane herself falls in.
Peter just falling out of the sky following Jane claiming he was "full of hot air".
When Peter and Wendy have an argument, one of the Lost Boys says "Uh-oh, Mother and Father are fighting again".
Just before his death, Hook tries to save himself from falling to the crocodile by thinking happy thoughts. His happy thoughts are things like "Killing, ripping, maiming, children's blood, puppies' blood" and a whole string of awful things. It culminates with him screaming "WHITE DEATH! BLACK DEATH! ANY DEATH! A NICE SPOT OF TEA!"
A lot of Peter's physical tumbles when he first meets Wendy. Jumping in shock so high his head hits the ceiling when Wendy pops up, grabbing his shadow's hand when Wendy holds up the sewing needle, falling off the bed in surprise when she suddenly flings the covers off, his quickly striking a more dignified pose afterwards...
When the pirates capture Tiger Lily, John and Michael, they leave them Bound and Gagged to drown at the Black Castle. Including Michael's teddy bear.
In at least one version, notably the 1960 TV version, when the Lost Boys and Indians notice Wendy flying over Never Land and mistake her for a bird, Tiger Lily believes that the "bird" must be Omen. When one fellow Indian inquires "Good or bad Omen?", Tiger Lily shrugs it off and goes: "Famous Indian Proverb: when in doubt... RUN!!!!!" And she and the other Indians head for the hills.
In the Cathy Rigby version, when the Lost Boys show up to ask Mr. and Mrs. Darling to adopt them, Smee shows up, wearing pink pyjamas and a striped nightcap and pretending to be a Lost Boy up for adoption as well. He gets a few odd looks by the Darlings, but after a few moments they just shrug it off.