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Funny / Markiplier Uno

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Wade: Why the fuck would I buy a bag of turnips?
Mark: FOR TURNIP SOUP!

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Any time Mark plays Uno with his friends, the number of ways everyone can get screwed over (either by the game or the other players) tends to make for a rather hilarious time.

    open/close all folders 
    UNCUT and UNCENSORED!! 
  • The sequence at the start where everyone spends their turn playing sevens and repeatedly stealing each other's hands.
  • 12 minutes in, Mark is given the opportunity to prevent Bob from winning with a color card. He ends up picking red, the exact color Bob needed to win.
  • Throughout the entire episode, Mark keeps challenging the others whenever he gets a +4, even when they were drawing for it. Naturally, he loses almost every single time. The final time, he does it on purpose after Bob plays yet another +4 on him.
    Jack: Why did you do that!?
    Mark: 'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA WIN ANYMORE!
  • Wade spends the entire episode trying not to swear. However, he finally breaks after Bob questions his decision to swap hands with Mark.
    Wade: Oh, what were my choices, suck some cock to get better cards? [Mark starts laughing hysterically, Jack says "Wow" in shock]
  • Upon losing a hand with 2 cards left to Jack, Wade proceeds to give away what Jack's hand is. Half a second later, the hand is rotated over to Mark.
    Jack: He's got a red — a red 4 and blue 5! [Bob and Wade start laughing]
    Mark: You don't know that!
  • Near the end, Wade says to keep the color yellow so that he can screw Bob. Mark makes it red while he's saying this.
  • Once the last game finally ends with Mark's victory, Mark tries to leave only for the others to proclaim that he's trapped and that if he leaves, he's a loser. He promptly quits the match.
    Wade: Hey, wait, come back.
    Mark: No! [Jack and Bob start laughing]
    Mark: [while giggling] You guys have fun screaming at each other.

    I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!! 
  • At the beginning, Mark asks how he is supposed to pay attention to fellow teammate Wade's cards, which he can see. Wade responds by telling him he needs to look at them.
  • Wade ends up disconnecting mid-match. He then pretends that he is still playing as the bot only for his calls to be hilariously off since he can't see the game anymore.
    Wade: HERE, take this!
    Mark: [starts giggling] You just got skipped!
  • "ENTER LOBBY!"
  • "Team Ohio" vs "Team More Subs".
  • Wade gets screwed right off the bat by having to draw 7 cards, due to a blue 8 being the first card of the game.
  • Mark being forced to draw 13 cards, going from 3 to 16. His reaction sells it as he gets more hysterical with each card he gets. Bob and Wade immediately win right after, rendering his efforts All for Nothing.
    Mark: Jack, what card does he ha—? Well, alright...
    Jack: I don't know...
    Mark: Well it ju... alright, it doesn't matter now!
    [The others start laughing harder with every card he draws]
    Mark: Just—! I'll take every card!
    Jack: [astounded] What the fuck?
    Mark: [simultaneously with Jack, cracking up] Give them to me! YE-HES! MOOOOOORE!!!
    Jack: WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?
    Mark: AHHHH... OK, here we go. [finally puts down a card]
    Jack: [laughing] Fuck's sake!
    Mark: I hope he doesn't win after that...
    Wade: [immediately puts down his last card] WHOO!
    Mark: [simultaneously with Wade] ...ahhhh, FUCKING goddamn it!
    Wade: #TeamLessSubs, ya egotistical bastards!

    WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING!? 
  • Mark trying to wrap his head around the special cards in Just Dance UNO as well as trying to remember how to play.
  • Mark being forced to draw 2 cards, despite the fact that he called UNO before playing his card. Wade wins the match 5 seconds later thanks to this.
    Wade: Hey game over. I win!
    Mark: ...What!? Wha— Wait— What the fu— You ROBBED ME! [Bob and Wade start laughing] That's bullshit!
  • When the computer plays a yellow reverse, Wade proclaims that he loves the computer before playing a +2 on Mark. Cue the computer jumping in with its own yellow +2, saving Mark and screwing Wade over.
  • Early on, everyone is left at 2 cards (with the exception of Wade having 1) and Bob is forced to draw. Cue him immediately getting a +4 and not only screwing Mark, but Wade too by changing the color to red, costing him the win.
  • During the third round, Mark plays a 0 and gets a single blue 5. He then predicts that he won't win and that they are going to immediately take his victory away from him. Wade ends up playing a red 5, literally handing Mark the win.
  • Wade's "WOAH" in the middle of the fourth round when Bob plays a Wild +4. Bob proceeds to ask if Ali-A is playing some UNO.
  • Wade's Sanity Slippage near the end as he is repeatedly screwed over by Mark, Bob and the bot.
  • Bob asks if they can just keep it at one color. Cue Mark's Big "NO!".

    REVERSE YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE!! 
  • Wade's Sanity Slippage continues from the last episode and reaches new heights.
  • Mark's camera going out at the start. He spends a full minute trying to fix it while also trying to play the game.
  • Mark has 2 +4 cards, one of which he uses on Bob. However, Mark inadvertently screws himself by jumping in with his other one on reflex, allowing Bob to challenge him and forcing Mark to draw 4 instead.
  • 11 minutes in, Mark plays a wild in a desperate attempt to stop Wade from winning. Wade ends up initially getting 1 on the first wave... before the second wave gives him (and only him) 5 more cards.
  • The Sensory Abuse returns when Wade accidentally joins another lobby. The sound Wade makes when he realizes this can only be described as a horse wheezing. While cut in Mark's video, Bob's kept the exchange between himself and Wade, where apparently, Wade's audio broke while he was in the other lobby, before he panicked and left. Bob was quick to make a comment on it.
    Bob: They weren't talking to you, and you just dropped in, and you were like AH I'M IN A LOBBY.
    [Wade proceeds to start laughing like mad immediately after]
    Bob: So to complete strangers you were just like an unbelievable dick?
  • Mark forgetting to put the game up on the screen again, just like with Hand Simulator.
  • Mark points out that Wade thinks everyone is out to get him right before Bob draws a +2 on Wade. Bob and Mark then continue to insist that they aren't out to get him only for the bot to immediately win 2 seconds later.
  • Mark tries to play a yellow reverse on Bob on the grounds that he doesn't have yellow. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that the card he had before was a green reverse, thus handing Bob the win.
  • Wade being cheated out of what may have been one of the best card combinations in the game. Both Mark and Bob get a good look at the hand (2 Wilds and a Wild +4) before Wade plays the El Stomacho card to reset everyone's hands.
  • This gem:
    Bob: Do you have any nice things to say about Mark, Wade?
    Wade: I've seen shorter people. [Bob and Mark start laughing for a full minute]
  • Mark and Bob trying to perform some "Heart of the Cards", with Barbara joining in to give Wade a +6. Mark and Bob's reactions are priceless.
    Bob: Hey, Mark.
    Mark: Yes?
    Bob: [plays a +2 in Mark's direction] I'm going to believe in the heart of the cards.
    Mark: [plays another +2 for Barbara] Oh, you know you want to, and you know why you want to? 'Cause you want this to happen!
    Bob: Ohhh, God yes!
    [Barbara proceeds to play her own +2, giving Wade a +6]
    Mark: OHHHH YES!
    Bob: OH YES, OH GOD, YES!
    Mark: OHHH, G— HEART OF THE CARDS!
    Wade: I hate you.
    Bob: I-I'm so heart right now for cards!
    Mark: Ohhh, my heart and my cards!

    THE LEGENDARY + 9999 CARD 
  • Mark ends up being the Butt-Monkey of the episode, with much hilarity ensuing from him being down on his luck.
  • Round three can best be described as Bob and Wade repeatedly using +2s on Mark and the bot, Wade swapping hands with Mark over and over and everyone else jumping in before Mark's turn. In the end, he only gets to play a total of 3 cards before Bob wins the round.
  • Mark being forced to draw a whopping 19 cards in the span of two turns as the game gives him every other color and number except the ones he needs.
    Mark: [the second time] I GOOOOTTA DRAAAW AGAIN! Noooo... Nooohohoo... NOOHOHOHO... no... heart of my card!
    • This is followed by Bob announcing that he has a gift for Mark and playing a 0, rotating the hand over to Wade. Cue Wade's Big "NO!".

    MAKE IT STOP!! 
  • Mark's attempt at trying to line up his face with JP and Wade's profile pictures. When Bob and Wade ask what he's doing, Mark responds by saying he is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
  • Mark challenges Wade to not curse through the episode. He eventually lets Wade curse again because him not cursing makes less sense then him cursing.
  • The last game drawing out for the rest of the episode. Mark jokes about how long it takes.
    Mark: We had a peace offering at the beginning of this. You remember two years ago when we started this game? We had a peace offering. [laughs]
  • This little exchange:
    Wade: 5-get about it!
    Bob: 9 I won't!

    WADE LITERALLY EXPLODES IN RAGE 
  • Mark spends the first few minutes trying to change his profile picture in the game. He loses his internet connection, has to reload the game twice and doesn't even receive Wade's invites to rejoin the lobby. All of this amounts to his profile picture remaining the default image when he finally rejoins.
  • During the intro, Mark realizes he can record up to 12 of his own sound bites. The ensuing hilarity gets to the point where the others can't figure out whether Mark is really talking or if it's his recording.
    "YOU RIGHT."
  • Bob's subdued breakdown halfway into the second match, which lasts until the end of the game. Mark and Wade can only laugh as Bob continues rambling on.
  • Mark never remembering when his hand is swapped out is called out several times. He'll ask about things in other people's hands that he really should know since he had the hand only moments ago. One moment is after a 0 is played.
    Mark: Bob, we're in, like, the second round. How do you have so many cards?
    Bob: It's your fucking hand!
    • The best example is him changing the color to yellow during round 3 in an attempt to stop Bob from winning. Bob has to ask if he did it on purpose before taking the win.
      Mark: I need to remember what cards I ha— I have—
      Wade: You sure do, don't ya?
      Mark: I have to remember.
  • Wade's titular explosive rage gradually builds up throughout the episode:
    • The first straw is after the first match where Wade finds to his horror that the bot they've connected with is none other than Barbara.
    • The second straw is Barbara jumping in on Bob's green +2 with one of her own, winning the second match. Wade quickly devolves in Angrish.note 
    • The third straw is during round four when Bob changes the color to red. While Mark plays a red reverse after drawing for it, Wade says that "Red's a great color, let's just leave it alone", only for Barbara to play a red 0, rotating Wade's Wild +4 over to Bob, who proceeds to win the round. Cue Wade's Big "NO!".
      Wade: I SET THAT UP SO GODDAMN PERFECTLY! FUUUUUUUUUuuuAAAAAAAAAH!
    • During the start of the following round, Mark goes to town with the soundbites he has made in the episode so far (and even creates a new one) while Wade vents some of his rage.
    • The fourth straw is when Wade changes the color to red to stop Mark, who has a single yellow 3, from winning. Cue Barbara playing a red 3, handing Mark the win. Made even funnier by how Bob outright predicts beforehand that Barbara would hand him the win after he is unable to help Mark win. Wade is left screaming Barbara's name in fury after the game ends, which continues into the final round.
    • The final straw is the very end of the episode where he draws cards in a desperate attempt to stop Barbara from winning. Cue his Big "NO!" when he is forced to play a reverse against his will, followed by his explosive rage when Barbara wins because of it.

    LOSING OUR MINDS!! 
  • The episode starts with a montage of Wade raging throughout the last episode. Right after it ends, Bob says "I don't think Wade's doing very well." Mark then plays the recording of himself saying "Yes, I agree."
  • Wade is consistently at a Tranquil Fury level of rage throughout the episode, which gets even worse as Barbara still continues to screw him over.
  • Wade's weird euphemisms for Mark and Bob "enabling" Barbara, which include a scythe to decapitate him with, a nuke controller, and dirt, a hole and a shovel to bury him. The strangest is when he says that "you're loving Barbara's asshole as she shits all over my face". Mark's response to that one?
    Mark: Barbara's got a disgusting butthole.
  • After Wade gets consistently taunted by someone in his chat named Barbara, they (or another person) later join Bob's chat, having this to say.
    Bob: [reading the comment] It's all fucking Barbara's fault. You right.
  • This exchange after Mark tries to challenge Bob and fails:
    Bob: Good play, Mark. You know what? That was a bold move.
    Mark: Thank you. I tried real hard. Got real far.
    Wade: Did you get so hard? Er—
    [they all start laughing]
    Mark: Yeah, Wade.
    Wade: [singing] I tried so hard and got so haaard.
  • Bob playing the dragon card to reset their hands. Wade starts to get mad at his hand, only to stop abruptly when Mark plays a 0. Bob then proceeds to ask if Wade is alright.
  • The start of the second round, which immediately starts with Barbara playing a +2 on Wade. Bob tries to fix it by switching hands with Wade, only for Wade to lose his shit and hit his Rage Breaking Point when he is forced to draw.
    Wade: WHAT IS THIS HAND, BOB??!!
  • Bob encouraged viewers to donate Twitch Bits to Wade in honor of Barbara, two of them are worth mentioning. One was for "Barbietitties" instead of "Barbara Bits". Wade doesn't know what that means. The other was read by Wade saying to use the five dollars worth of Bits to take Barbara out for a wonderful night.
    Wade: Yeah, fucking five dollars, get her a goddamn footlong... well, that sounds weird.
  • At the end of the episode, Wade begs for nobody to fuck with him when he gets UNO. Cue Barbara playing a red reverse, followed by Bob jumping in with his reverse. Wade goes from being afraid to relieved when he finally gets to win.

    THE CARD OF A THOUSAND TRUTHS 
  • Mark repeatedly panicking when he has the opportunity to jump in.
  • During the first round, Wade switches his hand with Bob while begging him not to immediately switch back. Bob seems to comply, only to play his 7 and switch back. While they're all laughing, Bob asks if Wade actually believed him, to which Wade replies he did.
  • Wade trying to read his donations, only to realize he isn't muted.
    Mark: Are things okay over there Wade? Do you need help?
    Wade: Pot Pie — JimmyPotPie, thank you — Oh, I'm not muted. Shut up!
    [Mark and Bob start cracking up]
    Mark: [still laughing] Wade, who hurt you? What's wrong?
    Wade: [chuckling] Shut up!
  • Wade trying to switch with Swaggy, only to immediately realize that he had another 7 of the same color, allowing Swaggy to switch back.
  • Mark begging people to donate to Wade, saying he doesn't even have enough money to buy a bag of turnips. This starts a Running Gag where people start donating to Wade so he can get turnips, even creating turnip-based accounts just to donate.
  • In the middle of the second round, when Mark and Wade hands (4 and 18 cards respectively) are traded, Mark loses it when Wade actually starts complaining about his 4 cards.
  • This exchange when Wade draws a lot of cards.
    Wade: No, no, NO, NOO, GOD, WHY?!
    Bob: [plays soundbite] "YEYEAH!" [Mark and Bob start laughing]
    Wade: WHAT THE FUCK, I HAD TWO CARDS!
  • Near the end of the final round:
    Wade: Swaggy is on MY team — [Swaggy plays a skip on him] Ah, fuck you, Swaggy! [Bob and Mark start laughing]

    YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH... 
  • The Running Gag of the episode has someone saying "You're gonna laugh" before playing a card that screws the other person over.
  • At the beginning of the episode, Mark once again forgets to put up the game, leaving out the entire first round. Mark then proceeds to tell his editor Lixian to take the other's game footage and put his facecam over it. Lixian points out that the footage will be confusing, but goes through with it anyway, using Wade's game footage.
  • Just like before, the second game takes an absurdly long amount of time to finish. Who finally wins the game? Globox.
    Bob: [through laughter] After all that, we lost to the computer!?
  • Mark, yet again, is left drawing a bunch of cards, this time going from an UNO hand to a hand of 15 cards. He quickly gets more frantic as he keeps drawing cards. It only continues getting bigger until Mark is left with 27 cards. Mark's hand ends up so big that the game can't adequately load it, resulting it him being unable to pay attention to the game because he's too busy playing with the graphical glitches. Bob switches hands with him just to see it, and the bit ends with Mark chuckling as Bob has the same reactions as he did.

    THOU SHALT BE SKIPPED 
  • During the third round, Wade is given an excellent hand. When he gets down to UNO, he begs Mark to be nice to him. Mark proceeds to keep skipping him over and over... and then reverses it to Bob the moment he gets the hand. Cue Wade freaking out and Bob laughing as he wins.
    • And afterwards:
      Wade: I gave you a win and you passed it up to Bob?
      Mark: I didn't asked for that! <...>It's very toxic of you to give someone a gift and then lord it over them.
      Wade: Um, it's called Christmas?
      [Beat]
      Mark: No.[Beat] What?
      <...>
      Mark: You remember episode in The Office, where Dwight did people favors and when held it against them?
      Wade: Yes, it's called Christmas!
      Mark: Alright, you got me there.
  • The entire French bit:
    • After having forced Bwaaah to draw 8 cards.
      Wade: Suck my hand, Bwaaah.
      Mark: That's not the phrase, it's "sacré bleu".
      Bob: [in a heavy French accent] Suck my hand, bleu. [normal] I'm pretty sure that's what he said.
      Mark: [also French accent] Ah, suck my hand!
    • Bob saying he's a French horse. The funniest part is the way he says it, which Mark and Wade point out sounds like he was going to say something else.
      Wade: Was the original "SE" at the end there supposed to be added or was that like a bonus at the end?
  • Mark continuously saying he's running out of options during the fourth round as Wade jumps in on him 3 straight times.

    WADE LITERALLY BREAKS HIS HAND 
  • The trio finally start petering out at the very beginning. The first round goes by quickly, with Mark giving Bob the win.
  • This little exchange, which starts when Bob receives a Wild Draw 4 from Globox:
    Bob: Fuck it. [challenges the card and wins] Fuck it!
    Wade: Dude, he would fuck it! if you put it in front of him he'd be like, [grunts] ...You know?
    [Beat]
    Wade: I think I'm tired. I think my slaphappy nature has started to er-ero-erodicate... er-erupt — erupt.
    [Beat]
    Mark: [sighs]
  • In the second round, after the game starts them off with a blue card...
    Wade: Oh, this is so nice and blue! [Mark plays a blue card] Oh, look at that, it's so nice and blue! [Bob plays a blue card] Oh, it's so beautiful and blue... [Globox hits him with a blue +2] Augh!
    [Mark and Bob laugh]
    Wade: [in a strained voice] Let's make it red! [plays a red +2, giving Mark four cards]
    Mark: Hey, dude, dude, dude!
  • When Bob gives Mark a turn, giving him the opportunity to hurt Wade:
    Bob: Oh, Mark... Here you go, buddy, I'm setting you up...
    Mark:: Thank you. I knew that was happening. Oh! Here we go!
    Bob: Just crush him! do it! Come on! I'm waiting!
    Mark: Wade... You're donzo now! [plays a red 5]
    Bob: Oh, yeah! [Beat] ...Okeh. That wasn't...
    Mark: That wasn't — wait, was that not what you had in mind?
    Bob: No, I thought that was gonna go differently.
    Wade: [singing tunelessly] I've got a boot in my face!~
  • Wade is being his usual self, Bob is snarking in response, and Mark has this to say:
    Mark: I... I... I have to sit here, in between the two of you... and experience this.
    Wade: You can plunger with us!
  • Bob is given a chance to win in the second round. He ends up willingly giving it up, thinking it's too easy, and quickly comes to regret that decision when he draws more than he bargained for.
  • Mark plays a 7 and Wade expects him to give back his cards (which belonged to Wade originally), only to be disappointed when Mark gives them to Bob. Then Globox +2's him.
    Wade: Well, I feel like my act of generosity sucked my shlong!
    Bob: Wouldn't that be something that you would—
    Wade: You would think that it would be enjoyable, but like, there's braces, and sharp teeth, uh, knives... maybe a barbecue skewer...
    [Mark makes a disgusted face]
    Bob: What the fuck... happens in your head...?
  • When Wade's turn comes up
    Wade: Hey Mark, do you have a +2?
    Mark: Sure don't.
    Wade: Alright. [plays his +2]
    Bob: [laughing] Why did you ask?
    Wade: [chuckling] I just wanted to know.
    Mark: Thanks, buddy.
    [Wade starts laughing]
  • The infamous moment: the game is suddenly interrupted when Wade jazz-hands so hard that he dislocates his wrist!
  • After Wade wrist pops back:
    Wade: At least I'm married, I don't have to worry about... never mind.
    Mark: No, keep going.
    Wade: You know how when Ethan broke his hand, it was... He was right handed, so...
    Mark: Yeah, keep going, yeah... Talk slower, Wade, talk slower...
    Wade: MASTURBATION! [later, to his chat] No, Ethan did not break his hand masturbating, I'm saying he can't because his hand broke — never mind... yes, Ethan broke his hand masturbating! Spread that rumor!
    Mark: Whoa! Damn!
  • Finally, when they sign off so that Wade can give his wife Molly a raid on her Twitch stream:
    Mark: Well, okay, everybody, you know the deal, this is the most important raid of your life...
    Wade: Go give my wife love! Like the... not the kind that would make me jealous.
    [Mark shakes his head in exasperation]

    the DEMONETIZATION card 
  • The video starts with Bob sneezing in Auto-Tune at the exact right moment, making a sound that makes Mark and Wade laugh for a straight minute.
  • The Running Gag of this episode is Mark desperately trying to preserve his monetization:
    • He begs them not to curse at the beginning when Wade does it:
      Wade: Listen, you have not started yet. You haven't done your intro.
      Mark: I-I don't do my intros, uh — Hello, everybody.
      [Beat]
      Wade: F*ck. [Mark and Bob start laughing]
    • Bob realizes midway through the intro that his profile picture is him Flipping the Bird. The trio try to play it off as him pointing to his head until...
      Bob: Look at my huuuuge heeead! Brain head... not other head.... not the pen... is head.
      Mark: I wasn't even thinking peni— Guys, I wanna make money on this!
      Bob: [imitating Mark] Guys, I wasn't even thinking of the penis head, okay? Stop it!
    • In an attempt not to curse, the trio try to substitute swear words with nonsensical insults. They end up have a surprisingly hard time trying to come up with insults, even getting worried that they'll accidentally say something legitimately bad in the mix of insults.
      Mark: You large-pored... uh... red-nosed freak!
      • Through most of the episode Wade is... not very good at coming up with insults ("You four-card-taking card-taker!" "You card-giving guy to my left!"), but when Mark steals his hand:
        Wade: You backstabbing, card-taking—
        Mark: What did I do?!
        Wade: Left! Footed! Mushroom wielder!
        Mark: The — now you can insult?! Now you can insult! Yeah, now you can! Great, good for you, we're all — we're all so happy for you.
        Wade: Yeah, I figured it out! It was me the whole time!
    • The Running Gag finally ends when Wade makes a Third-Person Person reference to himself as "daddy":
      Mark: I feel like you've been unironically been calling yourself "daddy" a lot more lately...
      Wade: Well, I've got something to tell ya... [Beat] I'm not a father.
      Mark: Alright, cool.
      Wade: So, "daddy" is just a sexual term I want you to refer to me as from now on...
      Bob: Aannd... DEMONETIZED!
      Mark: Oh, God damn it!
  • After Bob has to draw:
    Wade: Oh, I could've jumped in and saved you, Bob, but I didn't want to skip your turn.
  • This little exchange:
    Bob: Well, guess I want to do that. [skips Wade]
    Wade: [sad Elmo noise]
    Bob: Yeah, take that Elmo.
    Wade: [Elmo voice] Elmo loves to do it — OOOH! [jumps in on a card]
    [Mark and Bob laugh uproariously]

    lol NO U 

    THE CARD OF INFINITE SKIPS 
  • The episode starts with the trio seeing Barbara is in the match.
    Mark: Alright.. BARBARA!
    Wade: GOD DAMN IT!
  • During the second round, while Mark is drawing cards, Bob and Wade make a plan to use their +2 cards on Barbara.
    Bob: Oh, yes. Wade. Do you have +2s?
    Wade: One.
    Bob: Alright, we're doing this.
    Wade: [chuckling] Okay.
    [as Mark draws a 0]
    Mark: Uh, guys, you might not be doing it.
  • Bob and Barbara skip over Mark and Wade 6 times in a row. This happens two more times during the session.
  • During one of the matches, Barbara plays a +4 card on Mark over a 0. At Wade's insistence that she has a green 0, he challenges her, and fails... while failing to notice the yellow 0 in Barbara's hand, consequently blaming Wade.
  • Wade perks up when a nine and a six are played in quick succession... until he realizes that Barbara is on the six card. Cue gagging noises.
    Wade: I feel sick...
  • Mark tricking Barbara into giving him her hand.
    Mark: [plays a seven and swaps with Barbara] I'll be taking that... [Barbara jumps in and swaps with Mark] She'll be taking this... [plays another seven and swaps again] I'll be taking that... [Barbara jumps in again] She'll be taking this... Alright, sevens are dealt with! We've done it! [plays a zero and rotates their cards] And let's have some FUN!
  • When he's down to one card, Wade plays a Wild +4 on Barbara... only for her to deflect it back on him, giving him eight. Then Mark +2s Bob... who passes it down to Wade, giving him a total of thirteen cards.
    Wade: What the fuck. I had Uno, I look up and I've got thir-fuckin'-teen? [Staggered Zoom on his card number]
  • Near the end, Bob tries to draw cards to stop Wade and Barbara from winning.
    Bob: Man, I hope I get a Wild Draw 4. [as he draws it] Holy shit!
    [Mark starts laughing, Wade yells in agony]
  • When Mark and Bob are down to one card, Wade plays a red seven and has to choose which hand to take. He chooses Bob's — only for Mark to jump in with his red seven to win the game.note 

    A COMPLETELY NEW WAY TO PLAY!! 
  • The Running Gag of this episode has Mark periodically advertising his Cloak line of clothing, despite Bob and Wade's protests.
  • Mark's reaction to Bob's description of the new game mode is a confused expression and an inexplicably old-sounding voice.
    Mark: [old man voice] What? A double-sided deck?
    Bob: Why are you... old, Mark?
    Mark: What? What do you mean?
    Bob: Quick, call me "sonny"!
    Mark: Sonny!
    Wade: Mark old, somehow sounds more rich.
    Mark: Of course!
  • Mark is talking about his Cloakwear again, and mentions that some of the clothes have purple accents, and Wade asks whether he has any with a "Russian or Scottish accent". Cue ridiculous accents.
    • Followed by this little gem:
    Mark: Wait, why am I promoting? Wade, take over, give me a Cloak promo, come on, give me something...
    Wade: Oh! Uh... [silly accent] red.
    [Mark and Bob laugh]
  • At one point, Mark gets stuck saying the words "But — but I" over and over again, to the point that Wade and Bob think it's a sound bite.
  • Wade gets a +5 played on him, and passes it along to Mark, giving Mark a +10. Cue Big "NO!". Later on, Bob +5s the bot, who passes it on to Wade. Mark has No Sympathy.
    Wade: NO, NO! KARMAAA!
    Mark: That is what you get! That is what you get! That is what you get!
  • Mark has one card, and Wade plays a +5 on him... only for Bob to be kicked from the match, giving Mark the opportunity to forfeit.
    Wade: NOOO, I just screwed Mark, why are you gone?!
    Mark: Aww, looks like it's not valid, aw no, I'm losing connection, oh God oh God, oh no oh no, I'm out, awwww! [Beat] No one saw it!
  • While they're in the lobby, Wade hums the House of Mouse theme song very quietly, leading Mark to liken it to an Ironic Nursery Rhyme:
    Mark: What the hell kind of nightmare song were you singing?
    Bob: Oh, no, I know that song, that's the Mickey Mouse song!
    Mark: Yeah, you know, [sings creepily] M-I-C... K-E-Y...

    BEING BULLIED BECAUSE I'M AMAZING AT UNO 
  • Pokimane starts off unsure whether to call Jacksepticeye "Jack" or his real name, Sean, and settles on "Juh-Sean". The Running Gag from then on is everyone calling Jack "Juh-Sean". Even the subtitles get into the fun, mixing and matching "Jack", "Sean", and "Spediceyman", his Uno username — JackSepticMan, DiceyJackMan, etc.
  • Mark admonishes Pokimane from using Twitch streamer terms while on YouTube, leading to some hilarious moments.
    Mark: We using streamer terms here? No one on YouTube is allowed to say one, "let's go" and number two, "full send" — none of those!
    Pokimane: Really? You don't use "full send"?
    Mark: This is YouTube territory now!
    [later]
    Juh-Sean: I'm gonna go by "Juh-Sean" from now on, guys, NGL!
    Mark: NGL, is that — is that a streamer term?!
    Juh-Sean: [chuckles] "Is that a streamer term?"
    Mark: Is that a streamer term? Not here, not on my YouTube!
    • Leading to a hilarious moment when Pokimane offers to swap hands with him:
      Mark: No, thanks. We're good, I'm good, actually, thank you. Yeah, 'preesh.
      Juh-Sean: Is that a streamer term?!
      Mark: No — wait, what?!
      Juh-Sean: You always say that in your streams!
      Mark: No, what? Who are you? Go away! Get out of my house!
  • When Juh-Sean mentions that Pokimane is Canadian, Mark and Poki get into a conversation about Canada's bagged milk, which somehow leads to Mark going on a nearly minute-long rant about how fat is actually good for you. Juh-Sean very much regrets bringing up Canada.
    Mark: In America, there's an obesity epidemic, and it's caused directly, you can trace it all back to — to the belief—
    Juh-Sean: To Abraham Lincoln!
    Mark: No, no, no! He loved his fat, you know he did!
    Pokimane: Freakin' Lincoln! I knew it was all his fault!
    • Mark's so invested in his rant, he keeps being interrupted by the opportunity to jump in, making him momentarily panic every time. He only snaps out of it when he somehow gets down to Uno.
      Mark: Anyway, back to my speech about fat...
      • Then, while he's ranting, the bot almost hands him the win... but Juh-Sean jumps in, and inadvertently changes the color on Mark. Even while Mark is drawing cards (and getting increasingly frustrated) he still continues to rant.
  • In the absence of Wade, Juh-Sean takes the position of Butt-Monkey.

    WADE HAS NO IDEA... 
  • The boys are talking about a jack-off competition, when all of a sudden Wade drops a bombshell:
    Wade: That's like when you filmed that, uh, the animal sex game, were you able to show any of that on camera?
    Mark: [laughs] I never — I never recorded a video of that.
    [Beat]
    Wade: What were you doing in my office for two hours?!
    Mark: Dude... do you need me to explain it to you?
    Wade: NOOO! [...] You called me in after so long — you were like [husky voice] "Wade, check this game out..."
    Mark: I don't think that's how it went down, but I'm okay with imagining that's how it went down. After like two hours I was, like, pouring sweat down my brow, just: [huskily] "Huurgh... Wade... I gotta show you something... something... amazing..."
  • And Wade is back, everybody!
    Wade: This is gonna be a good game, I have a feeling.
    Mark: [takes his hand] Lemme see this feeling.
    Wade: I hate this game. [Mark and Bob laugh]
    Mark: Wow, this is an interesting hand...
    Bob: Are you feeling Wade right now?
    Wade: [the bot gives him a +4] Ohhh, amazing, great!
    Mark: [chuckling] This is gonna be a good game here, Wade!
  • After Wade gives Mark a +4:
    Mark: This is so like you, Wade, so like you. That is so like you.
    Bob: Typical, typical. That's the word you're hunting for desperately, Mark. Typical.
    [Mark and Bob repeat the word "typical" for a while]
    Wade: Dick pickle! D. tickle, dick tickle! Goochie goochie goo, right on the scrotum, goochie goochie goo.
    Mark: I...
    Wade: Dick tickle. Goochie goochie gooch, tickling the gootch. Give the gootch a smooch, you're tickling the gootch.
    Mark: Look, I'm getting demonetized, Wade, can you just tone down the dick tickling?
    Wade: KILL THE BABIES!
    [Mark and Bob crack up]
  • The moment that gives the episode its name, when Wade makes a reference to being "cream pied", and then promptly admits that he doesn't know what the term means. Mark and Bob will not hear the end of it.
    Mark: Wade, pull up Google in your stream, right now, pull up Google...
    Bob: Google image search.
    Mark: Image search, just Google "cream pie", there's your answer.
    Bob: See the delicious thing we are talking about. [...] Is he Google image searching it right now, chat, is he doing it?
    Mark: Why wouldn't you do it, you don't know what it is, come on!
    Wade: My whole chat just, immediately started [saying] "NO! STOP!"
    • And at the end of the video:
      Mark: I think that's enough Uno for me today. I think I'm good, yes. I'm hungry for some reason! [Wade cracks up]

    I'M BEING BULLIED!! 
  • The episode starts off with Mark saying "You don't want me to start talking about keto and intermittent fasting". Bob's response is to ask Mark what his "current dietary philosophy" is. Wade's response is to ask Mark how his stool is.
    Mark: Very loose...
    Bob: Oh, that's not good.
    Mark: I— I had— This is getting way too personal...
    • This prompts Mark and Wade to tell stories about times when they drank spoiled milk, with Mark saying that he drank chunky milk in his coffee for three days before realizing that it was spoiled.
      Bob: Wade was literally taking bites off of his block of milk. It flopped out like a big ol' chunk of cheese and he was like "mmm, milk!"
  • Wade notices that Archie, the bot they're playing against, is a cat in its profile picture.
    Wade: There's a kitty cat! Yay, kitty— [Archie gives him a +2] Fuck the kitty cat!
    • After Wade wins a game thanks in part to Archie:
      Wade: Good kitty! Good kitty, who's a good kitty?
      Mark: You wanted to have sex with that kitty not five minutes ago!
      Bob: The way you're looking at the cat is very deeply concerning and he looks unhappy about it. [Wade's profile picture is looking to the right, where Archie's profile picture is.]
      Mark: I don't like this.
      Bob: Also, it's playing sexy music — What did you do, Wade?
      Mark: Yeah, Wade, what have you done?
      Bob: What are you about to do to that cat?
      Mark: How do you explain yourself and your actions?
      Wade: [completely taken off guard] I have questions but no answers...
      Mark: Interesting.
    • And then, when Wade wins again thanks to Archie:
      Mark: Wade, I'm gonna ask you something — are you in a relationship with that cat?
      Wade: Mark, you know that it's... not real... right?
      Bob: Wade, online relationships are weal — are — whoa-ho-ho... [everybody laughs] Onwine wewationships awe weal, you of all people...
    • Mark and Bob decide to team up to defeat Wade and Archie, while making some... interesting accusations about Wade, especially when Archie jumps in on a card and thus saves Wade.
      Wade: Archie's got my back!
      Mark: [to Bob] Wait, challenge him, challenge him.
      Bob: Archie jumped in to save you, he didn't... [Bob wins the challenge] Oh, he didn't even need to do that! Archie is a liar!
      Mark: He did! They're in cahoots!
      Bob: Our conspiracy is back on!
      Mark: We knew it all along, Wade...
      Bob: You and this cat are boning and probably other stuff!
      Mark: Yeah! I wanna go with the other stuff!
      Wade: I don't know if I wanna perpetuate the theory of me fucking an online cat...
      Mark: So you admit it!
    • Immediately afterwards, when Mark is at one card:
      Bob: Mark, what color do you need?
      Mark: Uh, technically orange, teammate.
      Bob: [starts drawing cards] Alright, I can't do anything to help you, I was just curious. [Mark laughs] I'm pretty much boned here, I'll throw anything I get your way, though, it's coming... look I could've played that one, but I'm drawing these cards for you, teammate— [draws and plays a +5]
      Mark: NOOOOO!

    MOST CARDS I'VE EVER DRAWN 
  • The VERY first thing Mark says in the episode is "Oh, on the cock and ready to rock, let's do this".
  • The first game they play is a Winter Wonderland themed deck with Christmas music playing, which raises some copyright concerns.
    Wade: Hopefully, this one didn't use copyrighted music, because I know the other winter one got claimed on YouTube.
    Mark: Uh oh, I guess.
  • Bob gifting Mark his hand, and then immediately "unregifting it" after realizing he could take it right back with the 7 Mark had in his hand.
  • In the second game, Wade plays a Reverse card and tells Mark to get Bob with a good hand, to which Mark replies with an enthusiastic "alright" and plays... a green 4. Wade then plays another reverse card and tells Mark to get him better than that, to which Mark replies with another enthusiastic "alright" and plays a green 5.
    • He later plays a wild card and picks red, which Wade does not have in his hand. Wade calls him out on not being on his side when he was, and Mark responds like so:
      Mark: The thing is, I don't like you, I like Bob.
  • After saving Bob with the color change to red, Bob does not return the favor, playing a color-changing card, and keeping it on red, which Mark didn't have in his hand. Mark then proceeds to draw 17 cards, while rambling about how Bob should've remembered how Mark saved him.
    • And then Wade reveals that he had been drinking water just as that happened, and was desperately trying not to laugh.
  • Wade plays a +5 card on Archie (the AI they were playing with), to which Archie responds by stacking it with his own +5, making it +10. After pretending to be stunned, Bob says "Just kidding!", then dunks on Mark with another +5 to bump it up to +15 and make them all go his way. Cue TWO Big "NO!"s from him.
  • Mark's response to Wade saying "Oh my Jesus" to Mark's amount of cards.
    Mark: You — Jesus left... LONG ago.

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