Lockhart: Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a love potion!
Snape was looking as if the first person to ask him for a love potion would be force-fed poison.
Made funnier by the fact that Love Potions are banned at Hogwarts.
And the fact that Snape probably would feed poison to anyone who asked. We can assume that no one did.
"Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through!"
"Soon the air was thick with flying gnomes."
"... the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's hand. He had a hard job shaking it off until- "Wow, Harry! That must've been fifty feet!""
Just the entire way the Weasleys are so matter-of-fact about the de-Gnoming. Harry is shocked at the process (yank an incredibly ugly creature out of the bushes, spin them over your head to get them good and dizzy, and fling them far enough away that they can't find their way back), and to the Weasley kids, it's just like weeding the yard.
The Weasleys and Harry watching the gnomes stagger off, while one of them comments that they'll just show up again because they love living there. Bonus for the casual mention later that when Harry glances out of Ron's bedroom window at the end of the chapter, the gnomes are already filing back into the yard.
After Snape fails to get Harry and Ron expelled, he's described as looking "as though Christmas had been canceled."
Becomes Actor Allusion when one remembers Alan Rickman's earlier turn as the Sheriff of Nottingham:
"Cancel the kitchen scraps for the widows and orphans, no more merciful beheadings...and CALL OFF CHRISTMAS!"
Harry: Hang on, there's an empty chair at the staff table. Where's Snape? Ron: Maybe he's ill! Harry: Maybe he left, because he missed out on the Defence Against the Dark Arts job again! Ron: Or he might have been sacked! I mean, everyone hates him— Snape:(from behind them) Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train.
[Referring to getting Moste Potente Potions via telling a teacher they're "just interested in the theory" of Polyjuice Potion)] "Oh, come on, no teacher's gonna fall for that!" said Ron, "they'd have to be really thick..." [end chapter] [start of next chapter] Since the disastrous episode with the pixies, Professor Lockhart had not brought live creatures to class...
I can't remember if it was stated in the book, but where did the basilisk come from?
Salazar Slytherin hatched it a thousand years ago. It's been waiting all this time for the Heir of Slytherin to come and say "Wanna play fetch? Go get the mudblood! Go get it! Good giant snake thing! Atta boy!" note It's actually a girl.
Incidentally, when Harry is tricked into thinking Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets, he imagines the young Hagrid trying to fit a leash on the Beast.
The Howler. All of it.
"Potter, can I have your picture, Potter? Can I have your autograph? Can I lick your shoes, please, Potter?"
"Everybody line up! Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"
When Ron grabs Hermione's timetable out of her hands and says, "Why have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?!"
Also when Madame Pince tries to take the slip with Lockhart's signature on it away from Hermione and she asks, "I was wondering if I could keep it?" and Ron says, "We'll get you another autograph. Lockhart will sign anything if it stands still long enough."
And later on we find Hermione has been sent a Get Well card from Lockhart. Ron's response is "Why do you sleep with this under your pillow?"
"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad..."
At one point, Harry's wandering the school and overhears a bit of a Transfiguration Class, where a student is being yelled at for accidentally turning his friend into a badger. Not long after, the kid shows up, still with stripped hair.
At the very end, Ginny reveals that Percy's odd behavior that year was due to his having a secret girlfriend. When she asks the others not to tease him about it:
"Wouldn't dream of it," said Fred, who looked as though his birthday had come early."
Harry, eavesdropping on a group of Hufflepuffs in the library, hides from them... in the Invisibility section.
Harry's constant dodging of Lockhart, who tries to use Harry as a way to get even more famous. At one point, Ron speculates that if Colin Creevy and Ginny ever hooked up, they'd probably make a Harry Potter Fanclub. Harry asks him to shut up, since "the last thing he wanted was for Lockhart to hear the words 'Harry Potter Fanclub'".
From the film:
Funniest line in the Harry Potter movies that wasn't in the books: After Harry and Ron are sent into the Forbidden Forest to "follow the spiders", Ron, who had a previously established fear of spiders, quips "Why spiders? Why couldn't it be 'follow the butterflies'?"
Made even funnier by the director taking advantage of Rupert Grint's voice change hitting mid-movie. Yeah, that voice-cracking wasn't completely intentional.
Earlier in the movie where the duo encounter the Whomping Willow, Ron's line "What's happening?" is so damn funny that watching that scene blindfolded will make you think that Ron is a whining dog. IT'S THAT FUCKING FUNNY.
When Mrs. Weasley tells Mr. Weasley about how Ron, Fred and George stole the flying car to rescue Harry from the Dursley's:
Mr.Weasley: Did you really? How'd it go? (nudged by outraged Mrs. Weasley) err, I mean, that was very wrong of you indeed, boys, very wrong of you.
The Duelling Club. Lockhart being sent flying as Snape uses Expelliarmus on him and Lockhart's Blatant Lies about how he could have easily blocked it and then tries to get Harry and Ron up to be taught how to block spells, prompting the following line.
Snape: Weasley's wand causes devastation with the simplest spells. We'd be sending Potter to the Hospital Wing in a match box.
Exchange between Malfoy and Harry posing as Goyle: "Why are you wearing glasses?" "Uh... reading." "Reading? (Beat) I didn't know you could read."
Topped off by the look on Tom Felton's face, like the thought of Goyle being able to read is incredibly impressive. (Which, given how stupid he apparently is, is pretty likely)
Especially since it was later stated that Tom Felton ad-libbed the line...aged what, 11? Awesome.
The Howler is even more hilarious in the movie than in the book. It actually stops shouting to compliment Ginny on getting into Gryffindor, turns itself into a face to speak, blows a raspberry at Ron, then tears itself to pieces. And the expression on Rupert Grint's face is hysterical.
To top it off, Hedwig's the one that notices first, and gets as close to a live-action Eye Pop as possible.
After Ron uses Floo Powder to transport to Diagon Alley, Mrs. Weasley urges Harry to go next, Harry looking outright horrified at what just transpired.
Soon after, Harry says "Diagonally" instead of Diagon Alley, in which both Mr. and Mrs. Weasley wonder what Harry just said. Also a bit of a Meta-joke as this is how Rowling originally got the Punny Name in the first place.
After Hermione blows up the rogue bludger that broke Harry's arm, Lockhart tries to heal Harry's arm, much to the latter's horror. Lockhart ends up making Harry's arm stretchy and rubbery to the disgust of the crowd surrounding him.
After the outright disastrous Quidditch match, we cut to the infirmary where Malfoy is groaning like he's in pain, while Madame Pomfrey dismisses Malfoy and tends to Harry with a bottle of Skele-Gro. Harry spits out the Skele-Gro only after one sip.
After Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood, Ron is just about to curse Malfoy, but it backfires terribly due to the former's broken wand. Ron then starts yakking up slugs, while Colin Creevey is trying to get pictures.
While Harry and Ron are using the Ford Anglia to get to Hogwarts after missing the train, Harry falls out of the car and is hanging on to the rear grips for dear life. As Ron tries to grab Harry's hand, the latter finds it hard to due to the former's hand being sweaty.
Harry and Ron being ejected from the Ford Anglia after a terrible run in with the Whomping Willow.
Neville faints during Herbology after hearing the Mandrake's cries. Madame Sprout grumbles about how Neville neglected his earmuffs while Seamus tells her that he just fainted, much to Sprout's indifference.
While Malfoy is holding his Mandrake, he put his finger up to its mouth, and the Mandrake starts biting on it. Malfoy then struggles his finger out its mouth while he glares at the little thing.
Just as Harry and Ron are about to head to Platform 9 3/4, they suddenly crash into the wall, creating an awful little spill.
After Harry and Ron survive the ordeal with Aragog and are left by the Ford Anglia once again, we get this from Ron:
Ron: Follow the spiders. Follow the spiders! If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!
The title of Lockhart's book published after the events of the movie, revealed at the very end; Who Am I? Given his fate, it's both an appropriate title, as well as probably the only book of his with any truth in it.
During the part where Lockhart unleashes the pixies, a group of pixies hang Neville from a chandelier. Once Hermione freezes the pixies, we have this delightful little gem from Neville:
"Why is it always me?"
At the standing ovation after Hagrid's return at the end, Crabbe starts clapping along with the rest of the students, only for Malfoy to pull him down by the tie with a "we aren't supposed to clap, dumbass" look.