Funny / Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

From the book

• Petunia Dursley is described as having "nearly twice the usual amount of neck", which she puts to good use peering over fences to spy on her neighbors.
• Vernon's first proper encounter with a wizard occurs when he bumps into a short, elderly man wearing a violet cloak, who promptly says "Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating this happy, happy day!" and then hugs Vernon before running off, leaving Vernon with a very appropriate "What?!" reaction.
  • The fact that this is hinted to be Flitwick makes it even funnier.
• Vernon notices Professor McGonagall in her Animagus form as a tabby cat, sitting on a brick wall and reading a street sign. McGonagall is too clever to do anything human in cat form. The implication is that she's doing it deliberately to mess with him because she's either A) realised he's a horrible person and deserves it, B) is bored or C) Both of the above.
• The fact that the narration indicates that Dumbledore knows exactly that he's unwelcome in Privet Drive, but neither he nor McGonagall give a fuck.
• McGonagall worries about how much Dumbledore trusts Hagrid, citing that the latter isn't the most careful person. As if to accentuate her point, Hagrid shows up right then on a flying motorcycle.
• Dudley is described as looking like a pink beach ball in various colored bonnets in his baby pictures.
• Harry is puzzled about why Dudley wanted a racing bike for his birthday, as his cousin is the exact opposite of athletic.
• Among Harry's unconscious usages of magic, there is the time when he turned the wig of a teacher blue and the time when Aunt Petunia wanted to force a particularly ugly sweater of Dudley's on him, and as she was trying to put it on Harry, the sweater started to shrink smaller and smaller until it would have perhaps fit a hand puppet but not him. Fortunately, she decided it must have shrunk in the wash, so Harry wasn't punished that time.
• "While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia. He liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were just a few of his favourite subjects. This morning, it was motorbikes."
  • Harry says he had a dream about a flying motorbike, which makes Uncle Vernon Brake Angrily and yell at Harry "MOTORBIKES DON'T FLY!" The book gives the depiction of his face as "a gigantic beetroot with a moustache".
• A gorilla at the zoo is described as looking a lot like Dudley, except it isn't blond.
• Dudley tells Harry that they stuff people's heads down the toilet on the first day of Stonewall High and asks him if he wants to practice. Harry's response is "No thanks, the poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick", and then runs away before Dudley can work out what he said.
• Just before the first Hogwarts letter properly arrives, this exchange:
  Vernon: Get the mail, Dudley.
  Dudley: Make Harry get it.
  Vernon: Get the mail, Harry.
  Harry: Make Dudley get it.
  Vernon: Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley. (Harry dodges and goes to get the mail)
• A small one from Dudley, regarding the Hogwarts letters (also notable as it's probably his most civil moment with Harry in the first book):
  "Who on Earth wants to talk to you this badly?"
• From the Stephen Fry audiobook, the sound he makes when Harry steps on Vernon's face as he's camping by the front door.
• When Hagrid's knocking wakes up Dudley, he bolts awake and immediately asks "Where's the cannon?"
• "Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on."
• When Uncle Vernon is intimidated by Hagrid, he whimpers something that sounds like "Mimblewimble". A spell with that incantation appears in the video games; it's the Tongue-Tying Curse.
• While Hagrid is in Gringotts, he reaches into his pocket to find Harry's key, only to come up with a bunch of dog biscuits. Made even funnier when you realise that those biscuits are probably not for Fang (his pet boarhound), but for Fluffy; i.e., a giant three-headed dog.
• The rapid twists and turns of the Gringotts minecart quickly make Hagrid queasy. Harry asks him the difference between stalagmites and stalactites during the cart ride; Hagrid replies that the word stalagmite has an "m" in it and asks him to keep quiet while he feels sick.
• Harry, on the "last day of August" (31 August) finally bites the bullet and asks Uncle Vernon if they can take him to King's Cross the next day so he can catch his train to Hogwarts. Vernon begrudgingly agrees, citing that they had to go to London anyway to get "(Dudley's) ruddy tail removed before he goes to Smeltings." Dudley got that tail back on Harry's birthday, 31 July, which means that at this point Dudley's been walking around with a pig's tail growing out of his bum for a month.
• The Weasley twins' Establishing Character Moment consists of the one addressed as Fred claiming he's George and complaining about their mother being unable to tell the difference between them, then saying he was Fred all along once their mum apologizes.
  Mrs. Weasley: Fred, you next.
  Twin: I'm not Fred, I'm George. Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?
  Mrs. Weasley: Sorry, George, dear.
  Twin: Only joking, I am Fred.
• Mrs. Weasley makes it clear that she wants the twins to behave this year, leading to her warning them "If I get one owl that you've... blown up a toilet or something..." This cues them to respond that they've never done that before, and are grateful for the suggestion.
• When Ginny starts crying about the train leaving, Fred tells her they'll send her lots of owls... with George adding that they'll also send her a Hogwarts toilet seat.
  "GEORGE!"
  "Only joking, Mum."
  • When Harry is in the hospital wing at the end, the twins try to send him a toilet seat, implying that they have, in fact, just blown up a toilet to get him that seat.
    Dumbledore: I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a lavatory seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you. Madam Pomfrey, however, thought it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it.
• Dumbledore's Chocolate Frog card: "Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and ten pin bowling."
• After Ron meets Hermione for the first time, he comments, "Whatever House I'm in, I hope she's not in it." Of course, Hermione does end up in Gryffindor with him.^note Becomes a Brick Joke when you realise that they get married, meaning Hermione will literally be in the same house as Ron for the rest of their lives.
• Harry's first impression of the Sorting Hat is that it's so filthy and worn-out that his Aunt Petunia would refuse to allow it in her house.
• Ron worries about how students are sorted into Houses, mentioning that Fred said it hurt a lot (but may have been joking). Once he learns that sorting is done via wearing an enchanted hat, Ron whispers to Harry about Fred claiming the process involved wrestling a troll.
• After the Sorting Hat sings about the qualities associated with each of the Houses, Harry thinks that he doesn't really feel like he's any of the things mentioned in the song due to nerves.
  If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.
• Neville trips while walking over to the stool to sit on for Sorting. The hat takes an unusually long time to decide where to place him; when it finally settles on Gryffindor, Neville heads for their table while still wearing it and has to run back to give the hat to the next student in line.
• Dumbledore's pre-banquet speech:
  "Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you!"
  • Harry's reaction is quite good as well.
    Harry: Is he — a bit mad?
    Percy: Mad? He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?
• Seamus Finnigan grew up in a mixed wizarding/muggle household. Apparently, his mother didn't bother to tell his father she was a witch until after they got married.
• The Hogwarts school song is sung to the tune of whatever melody any given individual likes, resulting in everyone finishing at different times. Mention is made of the Weasley twins being the last people singing, as they decided to sing along to "a very slow funeral march".
• During his first night at Hogwarts, Harry dreams that he's wearing Professor Quirrell's turban, arguing with it because the turban keeps insisting he's destined to be in Slytherin and should transfer there.
• Professor Flitwick is short enough that he stands on a stack of books to see over his desk. When he takes the roll during the first Charms class, he gives a squeak of excitement and topples out of view upon reaching Harry's name.
• Professor Snape's introductory Potions lecture has him state he can teach the class great things, provided they don't turn out to be the typical dunderheads he has to teach. Soon after, Hermione is mentioned to already be in star student mode and "look(ing) desperate to start proving that she wasn't a dunderhead."
• As Snape grills Harry about Potions knowledge, Hermione keeps raising her hand higher and higher until she's struggling to elevate it further without standing up. Harry eventually tells Snape that while he doesn't know what he's being asked about, Hermione seemingly does and Snape should ask her instead. This results in a few students laughing at the statement and Snape snapping at Hermione to sit down.
• Draco Malfoy brags about how skilled at flying he is at the beginning of chapter 9, telling "long, boastful stories which always seemed to end with him narrowly escaping Muggles in helicopters."
  • Given what we find out about him not much later into the series, where did Draco Malfoy, son of insular, pure-blood supremacists, find out about helicopters (even Muggle-curious Arthur Weasley had no idea how the Underground worked), let alone get it into his head that stories where he was escaping from them would impress his wizard classmates?
• Amidst the general boasting of first-years about things they supposedly did on broomsticks, mention is made of Neville having zero experience on brooms because his grandmother refused to let him near one. Harry privately agrees with her judgement because her grandson is remarkably accident-prone on the ground, let alone in the air.
• Neville receives a glass orb called a Remembrall from his grandmother, which turns red if you've forgotten something. As the Remembrall doesn't actually indicate what's been forgotten and Neville's a very forgetful person, its actual use to him is limited at best; indeed, the orb almost immediately turns red and Neville gets stuck trying to figure out what he needs to be reminded of until Malfoy steals it from him.
• Much to Harry and Ron's delight, Malfoy is told by Madame Hooch that he's been holding his broomstick wrong for years.
• After Professor McGonagall discovers Harry's flying talent, he believes he's going to be thrown out as she leads him down the corridor. The way Stephen Fry reads her lines, it makes it sound like she's alternating between being furious and impressed - having a full-blown inner monologue that Harry only gets snippets of. And when she asks Professor Flitwick to borrow Wood, Harry at first thinks that might be a cane she's going to use on him.
• McGonagall takes Harry and Oliver Wood somewhere private to tell Wood she thinks Harry is a good fit as a Quidditch Seeker. The room she leads them to for this discussion is initially occupied only by Peeves, who's writing rude words on the chalkboard.
• While discussing how wizard duels work after Malfoy challenges him to one, Harry asks what to do if nothing happens when he tries to cast a spell. Ron suggests throwing the wand aside and punching Malfoy in the nose.
• The description of Hermione badgering Harry and Ron not to go to the duel: "...hissing at them like an angry goose."
• Hermione follows Harry and Ron out of the common room's portrait hole while continuing to lecture them on why they shouldn't leave. After finally conceding that she can't change their minds, she turns around to go back in, only to find herself locked out of the common room because the portrait closed and the Fat Lady left while she was talking.
  "Now what am I supposed to do?"
• Neville doesn't return from the hospital wing and getting his broken arm healed before the trio leaves for the midnight duel, with the implication he's staying there overnight. However, they find him sleeping in a nearby corridor because he forgot the password to get back into the dorms; the broken arm itself was healed in about a minute.
• When asked where the students out of bed are by Filch, Peeves claims "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please!" Upon Filch asking "please", Peeves yells "NOTHING!" and tells him that he said he wouldn't say "nothing".
• After the Midnight Duel/Fluffy incident, Hermione is so furious she refuses to speak to Harry and Ron. As they find her incredibly annoying, they deem this "an added bonus".
• Harry receives a Nimbus Two Thousand racing broom from McGonagall, whose accompanying note tells him to not open the package at the dining table because she doesn't want the other students to know he has a broomstick "or they'll all want one".
• Harry likens the role of the Chasers in Quiddich to playing basketball with six hoops, only for Oliver Wood to ask him what basketball is.
• Worried about how the Bludgers try to crash into people, Harry asks Wood if they've ever killed anyone. Wood responds that it's never happened at Hogwarts.
• Oliver Wood mentions how he thinks the world record for longest Quidditch match is three months, with substitutes having to be brought on to let the starting lineup sleep.
• Flitwick introducing his class to the Levitation Charm is mentioned to have taken the form of making Neville's toad zoom around the room.
• Flitwick emphasizes the importance of proper pronunciation when spellcasting, citing a wizard named Baruffio who "said 's' instead of 'f'" and got pinned to the ground by a buffalo on his chest because of it.
• Harry and Ron try to warn Hermione about the troll. Upon seeing it wander into a room with a key in its door's lock, they decide to lock the troll inside of it and do so. It isn't until they hear high-pitched screaming coming from the room that the two realize they locked the troll in the girl's bathroom with Hermione. Harry sums the situation up rather nicely later.
  Ron: We did save her.
  Harry: She might not have needed saving if we hadn't locked the thing in with her.
• When Hermione is recapping the troll fight to Professor McGonagall, she makes Harry shoving his wand up the troll's nose sound like some clever pragmatic strategy.
• News of Harry being the new Gryffindor Seeker leaks, resulting in loads of students who either say he'll do great or promise to run around on the pitch beneath him with a mattress.
• One of the things that Harry learns about Quidditch is that while fatalities are rare, referees occasionally vanish and reappear in the Sahara months later.
• After Snape docks the trio points for a rule he basically made up, Harry notices that Snape is limping (later revealed to be from trying to go after Quirrell) and wonders why. Ron's response is a bitter, "I don't know, but I hope it's really hurting him."
• When Harry goes to the staff room to get his book back from Professor Snape; he peers inside from the door and Snape and Filch are inside, alone. Harry tries to shut door quietly, but fails.
  Snape: POTTER!
  Harry: I just wondered if I could have my book back.
  Snape: GET OUT! OUT!
• Oliver Wood starts reciting a pre-game speech, only for Fred and George to cut in because they memorized it the previous year.
  Oliver: Okay, men.
  Angelina: And women.
  Oliver: And women. This is it.
  Fred: The big one.
  George: The one we've all been waiting for.
  Fred: (to Harry) We know Oliver's speech by heart, we were on the team last year.
  Oliver: Shut up, you two.
• Lee Jordan commentates the Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch game and tends to let his own biases slip in, prompting Professor McGonagall to sit with him to keep him on-task.
  • Angelina Johnson almost immediately grabs the Quaffle at the start of the match, which prompts Jordan to say she's rather attractive and causes McGonagall to yell at him for going off-topic.
  • After Marcus Flint blocks Harry from getting the Snitch:
    Jordan: So — after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating —
    McGonagall: Jordan!
    Jordan: I mean, after that open and revolting foul —
    McGonagall: Jordan, I’m warning you —
    Jordan: All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I’m sure, so a penalty to Gryffindor...
• Once the first snow of winter arrives, Fred and George get in trouble for bewitching snowballs to follow Quirrell around and hit the back of his turban. Unbeknownst to anyone save Quirrell at the time, the twins are unknowingly smacking Voldemort in the face!
• Fred and George Weasley point out that as Harry's sweater from Molly Weasley doesn't have an initial on it, like theirs, it means she must think that he doesn't forget his name.
  George: But we're not stupid - we know we're called Gred and Forge.
• Fred and George steal Percy's prefect badge, which results in him chasing them all around the Gryffindor Common Room.
• One Quidditch practice sees Oliver Wood tell off Fred and George for pretending to fall off their brooms because Snape's refereeing the next game and they don't need to give him excuses to take points off Gryffindor. Upon hearing this, George falls off his broom for real.
• Harry tells Ron and Hermione that Snape is going to be the referee for the following match.
  Hermione: Don't play.
  Ron: Say you're ill.
  Hermione: Pretend to break your leg.
  Ron: Really break your leg.
• Neville interrupts the discussion of Snape refereeing Quidditch by suddenly falling into the common room with a curse sticking his legs together. By the narration's reckoning, Neville "must have had to bunny hop all the way up to Gryffindor tower" in that state.
• Once the trio pieces together where they've heard of Nicolas Flamel before, Hermione rushes off to her dormitory and returns with a very large book she says she borrowed from the library "for a bit of light reading."
  Ron: Light?
• Hermione announces via dramatic whisper that Flamel made the Philosopher's Stone, only for Harry and Ron to respond with "The what?" because they've never heard of it before.
• When Harry gets the idea to have Charlie Weasley take Norbert off of their hands, he first launches the idea by glancing at Ron and muttering "Charlie". Ron's response?
  "Now you're losing it too. I'm Ron, remember?"
  • Hagrid before this is cooing at Norbert with baby talk.
    Hagrid: Norbert, where's Mummy?
    Ron: He's lost his marbles.
• Hagrid tells Harry and Hermione that he's given Norbert a teddy bear:
  From inside the crate came ripping noises that sounded to Harry as though the teddy was having his head torn off.
• When we first meet the centaurs, they all comment that "Mars is bright, tonight" with Hagrid getting more and more annoyed.
  "Mars is bright tonight."
  "We've heard."
• The work done during final exams includes a mention of Harry and his peers trying to "remember how to make a Forgetfulness potion."
• After dropping through the trapdoor Fluffy was guarding, Harry and Ron find themselves trapped by some Devil's Snare. Hermione tries to remember how to fight it:
  "Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare... what did Professor Sprout say? — it likes the dark and the damp—"
  "So light a fire!" Harry choked.
  "Yes — of course — but there's no wood!" Hermione cried, wringing her hands.
  "HAVE YOU GONE MAD?" Ron bellowed. "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT?!"
  • After the two are freed:
    "Lucky you pay attention in Herbology, Hermione," said Harry as he joined her by the wall, wiping sweat off his face.
    "Yeah," said Ron, "and lucky Harry doesn't lose his head in a crisis - 'there's no wood', honestly."
  • The book specifically mentions Hermione's skill at conjuring her bluebell flames, which she uses at least twice before (most notably to set Snape's robes on fire during the Quidditch match).
• Dumbledore says that what happened when Harry confronted Quirrell is a secret... "so, naturally, the whole school knows."
• Dumbledore spots that Harry's received some Bertie Bott's Every-Flavour Beans and says that although he lost his taste for them decades ago after an unfortunate encounter with a vomit-flavored one, he thinks he'll try a toffee-flavored bean. The headmaster promptly chokes on a jellybean that most definitely does not taste like toffee.
  "Alas! Ear wax!"
• A nice case of at the same time being absolutely hilarious and very ironic is Voldemort being the victim of his own curse. Namely the one he put on the DADA position. Even if it had not been Harry burning the possessed Quirrell, he still would very likely have suffered a bad "accident" getting rid of him. And the fact he himself foiled his own plan long before he even made it up is damn funny.

From the film

"Eye of rabbit, harp string hum, turn this water into rum!"

• Dudley's establishing character moment which involves pestering poor Harry by stomping on top of the stairs where Harry sleeps underneath.
  Dudley: WAKE UP, COUSIN! WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO!
  • And just after this, Dudley's reaction to his birthday presents that literally take up half of the living room.
    Dudley: How many are there?!
    Vernon: Thirty-six, counted them myself.
    Dudley: THIRTY-SIX?!?! BUT LAST YEAR, LAST YEAR I HAD THIRTY-SEVEN!!!!
    Vernon: Ah y-yes! W-well, some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year-
    Dudley: I DON'T CARE HOW BIG THEY ARE!!!!
    Petunia: Now, now, now. This is what we're going to do, is that when we go out, we're going to buy you two new presents! How's that, Popkin?
    • All while during Dudley's rant, Harry is shown glaring at Dudley and shaking his head in resignation. His non-verbal way of saying "I'm real sick of your shit, Dudley".
• Dudley falling into the snake cage (and subsequently getting trapped inside behind the glass barrier) just after Harry unintentionally set it free. In the book, the snake simply left the cage and took a swing at Dudley and his friend Piers. However in the movie, Dudley gets stuck inside, and given how much of an abusive Jerkass he was to Harry up to this point, seeing him panic inside the cage is pretty funny all things considered. Even Harry himself found it funny (though unfortunately, he knew he was about to get his ass handed to him once more after Vernon gave him a death glare).
  • The fact that you can see the snake look down at Dudley, then decide that, no, he's actually not worth the effort of dealing with, and promptly decides to leave as quick as possible.
• Hagrid knocking the door off its hinges. Then, he says "Sorry 'bout that!" in the most casual tone possible.
  • And then he fixes the door just by standing it back up.
  • Also when he's accidentally telling them loads of information about the Stone. "I shouldn'ta told you that! I should not have told you that!"
• Dudley being mistaken for Harry and having to tell Hagrid that he's not Harry becomes hilarious since his actor's name is Harry Melling.
  • Also, Hagrid's immediate reaction to Dudley (who he thinks at that point is Harry) is, in slightly nicer terms, that he wasn't expecting a kid that age to be that hefty.
• During the somewhat-tense verbal exchange between Hagrid and the Dursleys and Hagrid calls Vernon a Muggle, Harry asks what a Muggle is, and Hagrid offhandedly tells him "Non-magic folk" before shifting attention back to Vernon.
• In a deleted scene, Hagrid confirming for Harry that the gloves he needs for school are indeed made of dragon-hide:
  Harry: 'One pair of dragon-hide gloves.' Hagrid, do they mean from a real dragon?
  Hagrid: Well, they don't mean a penguin, do they?
• When Harry goes to Ollivander's to get his wand, he tries two wands before finding the correct one, and they both caused a mess, with the second one destroying a vase and startling him, leading him to give it back like he was carrying glass. Considering that he had try out a whole stack of wands to find the perfect one for him in the book and that Ollivander took the wands away from him before something happened, would those wands wreck his entire shop?
• When Dumbledore announces that the third-floor corridor is out-of-bounds to anyone who "does not wish to die a most painful death" (and does so in the same businesslike tone he uses for all of the other announcements), the other students whisper amongst each other in curiosity. Meanwhile, Harry's face◊ is pure WTF.
• Before Professor McGonagall can even place the Sorting Hat on Malfoy's head, it shouts "SLYTHERIN!" with no hesitation.
  • Which was accurate to the book, and not just thrown in the movie for humor.
    "...the hat had barely touched [Malfoy's] head when it screamed 'SLYTHERIN!'"
• The Hat's reaction to being put on Ron's head too.
  Sorting Hat: HA! (Ron is startled by the sudden noise and McGonagall jumps in surprise, dropping the hat onto Ron's head) Another Weasley! I know just what to do with you! GRYFFINDOR!
  • The Hat's "Another Weasley" line becomes Hilarious in Hindsight when you think that; with six boys in the family, a dozen more Weasleys are due in twenty years or so.
  • Harry is sorted into Gryffindor; just look at the expression on Madame Hooch's face; she has a "Like that was a surprise!" smirk on her face as she looks at Flitwick.
• Hermione's reaction to Harry and Ron arriving late to Transfiguration.
  • Professor McGonagall's reaction to them arriving late. I bet she's thinking: "Oh, I am a cat and they are late! I love this! Transform!"
    • Given some of the things she says and does in later movies, it's very possible this actually was what she was thinking.
      Ron: That was bloody brilliant!
      Professor McGonagall: [with a slightly proud smile] Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. [forces herself to be serious] Perhaps I should turn Mr. Potter or yourself into a pocket watch? That way one of you might be on time.
      Harry: We got lost.
      Professor McGonagall: Then perhaps a map? I trust that you don't need one to find your seats.
  • Ron Tempting Fate with his comments: "Can you imagine the look on old McGonagall's face if we were late?" and then switching directly to ass-kissing mode after she transforms. Then McGonagall's snarky comment in reply.
  • Also, was Professor McGonagall just sitting there in Beast Mode when all of the students walked in? These are first years, of course, so many of them would have never seen an Animagus before. A lot of them (particularly Muggleborns or those who, like Harry, may have been Raised By Muggles) likely didn't even know an Animagus was a thing. They just walked into the classroom looking for their Witch Classic of a teacher and saw a freaking cat just sitting casually on the table. Think about that for a second.
  • Or this: "Good, you are all on time. I will start today's lesson by turning into a cat and waiting for those who are not on time. Everyone hush now, it'll be brilliant."
  • One wonders if any students succumbed to Cuteness Proximity and tried to pet the kitty on the desk.
• Rupert Grint's delivery of the way Ron mimics Hermione after Charms class. Done much better than in the book.
  "It's Levi-OOOOOOHHH-sa, not Levio-SAAH..."
  • Right before Hermione corrects Ron, you can hear Draco Malfoy mispronouncing the spell as Levio-sah. Ironic, isn't it? Not as much in other versions, where Ron does mispronounce the spell.
  • And from the same scene, Seamus Finnegan establishes his distinctive Running Gag while mispronouncing the spell.
    Seamus: Wingard Leviosa, Wingard Leviosa, Wingard—
    *KA-BOOM*
    Harry: ...I think we're going to need another feather over here, professor.
• In his first Potions class, Harry dutifully takes notes on Snape's introductory spiel:
  Bewitch the mind
  Ensnare the senses
  Bottle fame
  Brew glory
  Put a stopper in death
• During the flying lesson, Ron's broom springs up and baps him right in the face. Even Harry and Neville can't help laughing at him. If you pause at the right time, Ron looks like he's going to laugh when he says "Shut up, Harry."
  • Hermione during the flying lesson, when Harry persists in chasing after Malfoy: "What. An. Idiot."
    • Hermione's reaction when Harry says "Up" and his broom jumps into his hand immediately.
    • Even Harry's blink-and-you-miss-it reaction to said event, which reads easily as "Wow, I didn't expect that to actually work."
    • Half the class can visibly be seen saying "screw it" and picking their brooms up by hand.
• Emma Watson's delivery of the "killed, or worse, expelled" line.
  • Ron's response to that line:
    "She needs to sort out her priorities."
    (Harry nods in serious agreement)
• In the otherwise intense scene where Harry runs into Quirrellmort drinking unicorn blood and tries to run away, you can see Malfoy and Fang running around screaming in the background.
  • Earlier, as Harry and Draco walk through the forest, Draco complaining all the while ("Wait till my father hears about this!"), Harry says that if he didn't know any better, he'd think Draco was scared. Draco mimics him sarcastically ("Scared, Pottah?") and then gets rattled by a sound in the distance. Note, when they find the unicorn he looks quite terrified compared to Harry.
• "TROOOOLL! IN THE DUNGEOOOON! TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! (beat) ...thought you oughta know." (faints)
  • Especially the terror-stricken look on Malfoy's face.
  • And when all the students promptly panic, Dumbledore shuts them up.
    Dumbledore: SILENCE!!! (everyone quiets down) Everyone will please not panic!
• At the table, Seamus is trying to transfigure his water into rum ("Eye of rabbit, harp-string hum, turn this water into rum!"). Eventually, it explodes instead, leaving him with an Ash Face.
  • Also the look of utter shock and surprise on Hermione's face when she reacts to this.
• Hagrid worrying about Norbert after he's been sent to a colony in Romania. Filch has no sympathy.
  Hagrid: What if he don't like Romania? What if the other dragons are mean to him? He's only a baby, after all.
  Filch: [looking supremely disgusted] Ah, for god's sake, pull yourself together, man!
  • When Malfoy starts protesting against having a detention in the Forbidden Forest, Filch looks at him with this expression of utter disbelief.
• Sadly it wasn't in the film itself and only in the script, but this small conversation between McGonagall and Ron talking about Snape near the end of the film, after McGonagall tells Harry that his father saved Snape's life (from Sirius's prank) once:
  McGonagall: [to Harry] I suppose he felt it his... obligation... to look after you this year.
  Ron: Of course! And now that he's squared things, he can hate Harry in peace, right, Professor?
  McGonagall: Hogwarts teachers do not hate their students, Mr. Weasley... [pointedly, as she exits] No matter how taxing they may be.
  Ron: I think she's warming up to me.
• Vernon asks Dudley why Sunday is his favorite day of the week. Dudley shrugs, then Harry answers for him "Because there's no post on Sundays."
• A deleted scene shows Neville coming into the Great Hall with the Leg Locker Curse. Seamus of all people offers to fix it, and it seems even Neville thinks very little of his spellwork.
  Neville: That's all I need! You'll just set my bloody kneecaps on fire!
  Seamus: I don't appreciate the insinuation, Longbottom! Besides, if anyone cares to notice, my eyebrows have completely grown back!
  • Seamus then turns to storm off in a huff, revealing a bald spot on the back of his head, implying he tried to use magic to grow back his eyebrows only to replace them with hair from the back of his head without noticing.
• Hermione finally finds the answer to the Nicolas Flamel mystery, in a huge book she'd checked out for "a bit of light reading." Ron replies, "This is light?!" She then gives him an epic Death Glare.

From the games

• In the GBC game, after Norbert hatches, Hagrid sends Harry into the grounds to find him some chickens. If you go back to the castle during this section (for no particular reason), every student on every floor will be making chicken puns, ("Slytherins strut like roosters," "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells," etc.) aside from one who lampshades the whole thing, asking, "Why is everyone talking about chickens?"
• There's an amusing bug in the cutscene that plays just before you fight Voldemort as the final boss in the PC version of the game. Normally, you enter the boss room and Quirrell reveals that he's possessed by Voldemort and Harry starts backing away from him, frightened. However, if you walk into the room backwards, Harry will stay backwards for the whole cutscene, resulting in him backing away from nothing and towards Voldemort!