Funny: Duckman

  • Crowning Moment Of Funky: The FUNKY DUCKMAN!
    • "You put your down, down. You thrust your pelvis, huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh!"
  • When Fluffy and Uranus get eaten by Duckman and are left traumatized by the end of it.
    • In another episode, Cornfed ends up having to drive cross-country with the duo. He rejoins the rest of the group, looking rather crazed and Fluffy and Uranus nowhere in sight.
      Duckman: Glove compartment?
      Cornfed: Tailpipe. And I paid the valet to run the engine an extra five minutes.
  • From "Days of Whining and Neurosis", when Cornfed introduces himself to the therapy group:
    Cornfed: My name is Dr. Gelman.
    Duckman: No you're not.
    Cornfed: Yes I am.
    Duckman: No you're not.
    Cornfed: Yes I am.
    Duckman: What are ya talking about?! You're-
    Cornfed: (grabbing Duckman's bill) My name is Dr. Gelman, Dr. GELMAN. Nobody knows me here, so I'm introducing myself!
    Duckman: Oh OHHHHHHH! Nice to meet you, Dr. Cornfed!
    Cornfed: (sighs angrily)
    • Duckmans attempting to escape from the therapy group to go indulge in his various addictions, and Cornfeds increasingly elaborate attempts at keeping him there.
    • Red Herring from MacGuffin Security deciding not to press charges against Duckman because "its enough punishment just being him".
    • The list of therapy groups the resort offers, which includes sniffing bowling shoes.
  • From "Ajax and Ajaxer":
    Duckman: Why, I bet a kid, thinking I was a role model and wanting to imitate my behavior, could easily steal sodas from a vending machine... too. DO IT! Do it now, kids! Stick it to the man! HAHAHAHA!!
    (Cornfed is handed some Censor Notes)
    Cornfed: "But of course, that would be wrong."
  • In addition to being awesome, Fluffy and Uranus' epic cuss-out of Duckman is just so jarring and unexpected that it's hilarious.
  • The various future versions of Duckman are hilarious simply because you wonder what on earth led to his becoming a psychiatrist (or psychopath), a Sassy Black Woman version of himself, or getting an I-Beam lodged through his skull.
    • At one point, James Madison drops in to clear up some points about the Constitution - Duckman is as shellshocked as the audience.
  • Ajax, in "American Dicks": "My dad swatted my face with a broom once. Of course, I was eating from the dustpan at the time."
  • In the episode where King Chicken plans to get revenge on Duckman by educating Ajax so Duckman is no longer able to relate to him, Ajax can be seen giving a presentation on onomatopoeia. Later during a fight between Duckman and King Chicken that carries across the entire school, they end up crashing through a series of signs with the onomatopoeia for the sound effects that play written on them.
  • This string from "Das Sub" when Duckman first meets the class he has to teach for community service:
    Duckman: You're lucky I never hit a lady who makes my Noam Chomsky.
    Student 1: Degrading sexist remark noted!
    Duckman: Ohhhhh yeah. Who's real now, Dexter? This scene is real gone, baby. I am, into, it all, dig? Ohhh, hep, very, hep.
    Student 2: ....Do you need a shot of insulin or something?
    Duckman: I don't DO that crap. I'm clean. What are you into, hmmm? Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos? Calistogan canoe wax? Sinuvian swamp weed? Latter-batter? Bud bugs? Spot foxy? Or is... booger-sugar your "lady"?
  • In America the Beautiful, Duckman and Cornfed search for a model named America, and her former boyfriends who represent different decades of history. When entering a place called Appleville, a black and white town representative of the 1950's, all of the color leaks out of Duckman and Cornfed.
  • The beginning of Pig Amok when Cornfed arrives at the funeral.
    Cornfed: Pant pant, wheeze, deep breath. Pardon my tardiness ladies and gentlemen, I've been vomiting violently all morning, my septum is severely deviated, and I've already passed three- EEEEEYAAAAAAA! Four, very large kidney stones. Also I've got a bitch of an ice cream headache. Well, I'm sure if Harry could see how many of you came out on this solemn occasion, the first thing he'd say would be (Begins convulsing) honey horn dog! Butt...bongo ribbed and lubricated for that feel of real!
    Funeral-Goers: (Gasp)
    Cornfed: Ahem, I'm sorry, that was highly inappropriate. LOOOOIIIIN KING! Rear admiral! Squeal like a pig, REEEEE!
    Funeral-Goers: (Gasp)
    Cornfed:...So, uh, we are here in Harry Leibner's honor. On her! Off her! On her, off her, yee-ha, YEE-HA, YEE-HAAAA!...To share our memories. Memories, mammaries, great big swollen mammaries, meat melons, rib balloons, potent pigs from the past FOR 100 ALEX!
    • Later in the scene: "MASTICATE MY HEART, MONKEY POGO!!!"
    • Additionally, it's hilarious whenever Cornfed acts out-of-character and drops his usual deadpan demeanor, which he does in the episode Psyche as well, when offered a case in which he and Duckman have to date two ridiculously large breasted women.
    Cornfed: Duckman, we have to go. I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies dormant in every woman's soul, waiting to transform her into a creature of unbridled passion, pulling at me, tugging at me, yelling TAKE ME CORNFED, MAKE ME YOUR LOVE SLAVE! (Beat) You know, that sort of thing.
    • After Duckman chickens out and bails on the mission...
    Duckman: Did I miss anything?
    Cornfed: We went back to their house.
    Duckman: Their house!? Details, give me details.
    Cornfed: A-frame. Two and a half baths. Exposed brick fireplace-
    Duckman: No, you idiot! What happened!?
    Cornfed: We played Twister. I lost. (Giggles) Beyond that, I am a gentleman. (Giggles harder) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to help Clasette and Fantene learn why men focus on their bodies while they sponge-wash their car in cut-offs. (Giggles maniacally)
  • In In The Nam Of the Father Duckman shows up to work wearing a coat made from a baby seal pelt, with a baby seal head still attached to the shoulder. Fluffy and Uranus scream in horror. Then Duckman reveals he's also wearing underwear made from spotted owls
  • The Mockumentary episode American Dicks is pretty much one long Crowning Moment, but a few special mentions are needed. For example, Duckman attempting to come off like an expert detective to the camera, while overlooking or ignoring ridiculously obvious clues and leads to the case of the episode, finding the kidnapped mayor of the city. Among other things, he doesnt notice a picture of the mayor being held hostage by baseball manager Lance Le Francis on a milk carton he's drinking from, and doesnt notice the mayor being dragged kicking and screaming into a van across the street until Cornfed points it out to him.
    • Cant forget the interview the American Dicks cameraman has with Cornfed.
    Cornfed: Have you ever realized you were living in a deep dank abyss, causing you to roam the world for five years until you end up becoming the chef of a tibetan monestary?
    Camera Man: I just asked what kind of detective Duckman is
    Cornfed: Oh... I have some clothes in the dryer.
  • "The Amazing Colossal Duckman" features Duckman growing to immense sizes as he gets angrier and angrier. Knowing this would get him out of the house, Bernice deliberately sets him off by things like stabbing his foot with a pitchfork and tying his fingers together. Thus, when Duckman says his goodbyes to his family and sets off for his self-imposed exile, he flicks Bernice off the roof.
    • Duckman's parting advice to his sons consists of "There is nothing an ointment won't cure."
    • After Duckman laments about how being gigantic has made him a freak, Gecko appears standing on his hind legs and smoking a bubble pipe, sayin "Are you?"
  • In "Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W.", when three top-heavy women visit Duckman's office:
    Woman: What do you do here?
    Duckman: I look at breasts. Y-and I'm, I'm a detective. Heh heh. But, mainly the breast thing.
  • Duckman attempting to comfort Miss Liebner at her husbands funeral in Pig Amuk
    Duckman: Your husband was a good man who always put his family first. In fact, it was out of concern for you that he concealed his rampant homosexuality! The last thing he said to me was "Duckman, don't tell my wife" *the widow starts bawling* He was protecting you, he was afraid you'd think you drove him to it, but you didn't. He said he stopped caring about you years before he even slept with a man! *Bernice smacks Duckman into a stained glass window*
    Bernice: There there, its alright. You can take some comfort in knowing that Duckman will be put in a box and buried six feet under some day too. Tonight maybe, after he falls asleep!
  • The conversation between Bernice and the twins that Duckman and Cornfed overhears with their spy equipment about why they have to use a laundromat.
    Bernice: The washing machine is broken. If I didnt know better I'd say someone tried to sit on it with the flaps open.
    Mambo: Why do I think this involves that deranged pervert who calls himself our father?
    Charles: Except its hard to imagine that he could sink any lower in his pathetic attempts at fulfilling his grotesque and unspeakable physical needs.
    Duckman: *back in the van* I cant belive they talk that way behind my back!
    Corned: Its what they say to your face.
    Duckman: I know! You'd think they could atleast mix things up a bit!
  • "The Road to Dendron":
    Duckman: (to a woman) Do you know where I can find some hookers?
    (the woman punches him in the face and walks away)
    Duckman: Hey, if you don't speak English, just say so!