Funny: Duckman

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    In General 
  • Crowning Moment Of Funky: The FUNKY DUCKMAN!
    • "You put your down, down. You thrust your pelvis, huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh!"

    Season 1 
  • "The Gripes of Wrath", during the climax:
    Duckman: I didn't come up with any society. I just wanted better deodorant. You were the one who made up this whole new world. You screwed up, not me!
    Bruvenheim: Impossible! I am infallible!
    Duckman: I don't care what religion you are.
  • In "Psyche", it's hilarious whenever Cornfed acts out-of-character and drops his usual deadpan demeanor, which he does in the episode Psyche as well, when offered a case in which he and Duckman have to date two ridiculously large breasted women.
    Cornfed: Duckman, we have to go. I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies dormant in every woman's soul, waiting to transform her into a creature of unbridled passion, pulling at me, tugging at me, yelling TAKE ME CORNFED, MAKE ME YOUR LOVE SLAVE! (Beat) You know, that sort of thing.
    • Later, after Duckman chickens out and bails on the mission...
    Duckman: Did I miss anything?
    Cornfed: We went back to their house.
    Duckman: Their house!? Details, give me details.
    Cornfed: A-frame. Two and a half baths. Exposed brick fireplace-
    Duckman: No, you idiot! What happened!?
    Cornfed: We played Twister. I lost. (Giggles) Beyond that, I am a gentleman. (Giggles harder) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to help Clasette and Fantene learn why men focus on their bodies while they sponge-wash their car in cut-offs. (Giggles maniacally)
  • In "Gland of Opportunity", the rollercoaster ride has a halfway point for riders to get out and throw up in bathrooms.
    • Right before Duckman goes under from the gas, he hears the doc say, "This time, I know I'll get it right."
  • In "Ride the High School", Ajax getting "stuck" on a stopped escalator.
    • The hellhole that is Ajax's high school. Among the highlights: A student and teacher kissing in a locker ("It's okay, I'm her geometry teacher. Hey, I ain't in it for the salary."), a huge rolling boulder of trash from the cafeteria, a gang of West Side Story-esque hoodlums ("Cool it, daddy-o. Let's save our strength for the Sharks."), the Driven to Madness hall monitor ("You don't have a hall pass either, DO YOU?! (maniacal laughter)", and an audio Shout-Out to Apocalypse Now ("The horror... the horror...").
    • When King Chicken reveals that the entire college campus was a ruse, and that the fellow students were merely robots:
    Duckman: Even Deana, that lovely co-ed?
    King Chicken: Nope. I've never been able to make breasts. She's a Muppet.
    Duckman: Oh, to be Frank Oz for a day.
    • When King Chicken reveals his plan of getting revenge on Duckman by educating Ajax so Duckman is no longer able to relate to him, he and Bernice find a common bond: Discipline.
    Bernice: You're employing objective standards instead of the coddling of the individual?
    King Chicken: Why, yes.
    Bernice: With attention to fundamentals, drill work, repetition?
    King Chicken: Oh, yes, yes.
    Bernice: Making the slow students catch up rather than slowing down the fast students?
    King Chicken: Don't stop.
    Both: And corporal punishment!
    King Chicken: Ahhhh, the slap of a cat-o'-nine-tails on young skin.
    Bernice: The heft of a new blackjack in your hand.
    King Chicken: Three pound, or 5.2?
    Bernice: Oh, three pound is for wimps.
    King Chicken: Oh, my, you are an enchanting creature.
    Bernice: (breathy) Just someone who cares.
    Duckman: Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Creepy! Can we get back to the subject of Ajax?!
    • Towards the end of the episode, Ajax can be seen giving a presentation on onomatopoeia. Later during a fight between Duckman and King Chicken that carries across the entire school, they end up crashing through a series of signs with the onomatopoeia for the sound effects that play written on them.
  • This line from "Not So Easy Riders"
    Duckman: Have I ever told you my father's last words to me?
    Duckman: Before that!
    • From the same episode, when Duckman and Cornfed are surrounded by a gang of angry bikers, and Duckman accidentally turns on a Suspiciously Similar Song to Tequila.
    Cornfed: Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what Pee Wee Herman did in that movie.
    Duckman: First of all, I don't think it's appropriate! Second...I'm not really in the mood.
    Cornfed: Not that movie, the movie he starred in.
    Duckman: OH, haha...I knew that.
  • The Mockumentary episode American Dicks is pretty much one long Crowning Moment, but a few special mentions are needed. For example, Duckman attempting to come off like an expert detective to the camera, while overlooking or ignoring ridiculously obvious clues and leads to the case of the episode, finding the kidnapped mayor of the city. Among other things, he doesnt notice a picture of the mayor being held hostage by baseball manager Lance Le Francis on a milk carton he's drinking from, and doesnt notice the mayor being dragged kicking and screaming into a van across the street until Cornfed points it out to him.
    • Can't forget the interview the American Dicks cameraman has with Cornfed.
    Cornfed: Have you ever realized you were living in a deep dank abyss, causing you to roam the world for five years until you end up becoming the chef of a Tibetan monastery?
    Camera Man: I just asked what kind of detective Duckman is.
    Cornfed: Oh... I have some clothes in the dryer.
    • Ajax: "My dad swatted my face with a broom once. Of course, I was eating from the dustpan at the time."
  • "Cellar Beware": Terry Duke Tetzloff's sales pitch for the Interlopen Fuehrer 1500 home security system. Doubly funny is how it's John Astin voicing Terry, who's better known as Gomez Addams.
    Terry: (showing slides) And then, he took the electric carving knife, cut her into little pieces, and fed her to his dog. And as for the rest of the orphans...
    (group gasps in shock; one guy says, "Oh my GOD!")
    Terry: ...Well, it wasn't pretty, and all because they didn't have the Interlopen Fuhrer 1500 home security system. (turns off the slides, leaving the room pitch black) But, hey, I'm not here to scare you. I'm just warning you what can happen when you value $5,999.95 (turns the lights back on) more than you do the safety of your own children. (pinches Ajax's cheek)

    Season 2 
  • In "Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W.", when three top-heavy women visit Duckman's office:
    Woman: What do you do here?
    Duckman: I look at breasts. Y-and I'm, I'm a detective. Heh heh. But, mainly the breast thing.
    • After Duckman complains about getting a $200 parking ticket for parking in a handicapped space.
    Duckman: So what? Mo one notices, except the people who are supposed to park there. And hell, I can outrun them any day.
    Cornfed: Extra police are here because the President is touring the neighborhood today. Perhaps they thought you looked suspicious.
  • From "Days of Whining and Neurosis", when Duckman first arrives at the Dr. Milo rehab center:
    Red Herring: Cyrus Red Herring, McGuffin Security. Are you rich?
    Duckman: No.
    Red Herring: Famous?
    Duckman: No.
    Red Herring: Ever been sexually involved with a political candidate?
    Duckman: No, but I did get approached by an Arkansas state trooper a few years back.
    Cornfed: As you'll see, they treat a wide variety of addictions here. Most often, however, they like to group patients by profession. For instance, this is the Entertainment Industry wing, Television Subsection. Child stars, writers over 25, development executives... actually someone else gets addicted for them, then they take credit for it. This special section is for celebrities actually addicted to checking in to rehab clinics. With this class of clientele, naturally, they run into scheduling problems. So they have "drive-thru rehab" for busy Type A's who just don't have two weeks to give up.
    • When an undercover Cornfed introduces himself to the therapy group:
    Cornfed: My name is Dr. Gelman.
    Duckman: No you're not.
    Cornfed: Yes I am.
    Duckman: No you're not.
    Cornfed: Yes I am.
    Duckman: What are ya talking about?! You're-
    Cornfed: (grabbing Duckman's bill) My name is Dr. Gelman, Dr. NATHAN GELMAN. Nobody knows me here, so I'm introducing myself!
    Duckman: Oh OHHHHHHH! Nice to meet you, Dr. Cornfed!
    Cornfed: (sighs angrily)
    • Duckmans attempting to escape from the therapy group to go indulge in his various addictions, and Cornfeds increasingly elaborate attempts at keeping him there.
    • Roulette, an expy of Andrew Dice Clay, is accused of murdering Dr. Milo:
    Roulette: What'd, they bus you in from a head injury ward? Milo made me confront my anger. Showed me it's wrong to hate those who are different than me except for homo, saggy-breasted women's libbers and those third world types with funny accents.
    Cornfed: Thank you, Roulette, for expressing what millions of white trash neo-Nazis would love to say if they could hide behind the First Amendment under the guise of comedy.
    • When Bernice and the kids visit Duckman (though it's more to spot all the celebrities in the rehab clinic):
    Mambo: And here comes rock star Stash.
    Charles: People Magazine voted him most addicted man in America.
    Stash: (sounding exactly like Ajax) Hi, kids. Nice of you to come by and see your dod.
    Ajax: Whoa. Sounds like all those years of being fried really took their toll.
    • Red Herring from MacGuffin Security deciding not to press charges against Duckman because "its enough punishment just being him".
    • The list of therapy groups the resort offers, which includes sniffing bowling shoes.
  • In America the Beautiful, Duckman and Cornfed search for a model named America, and her former boyfriends who represent different decades of history. When entering a place called Appleville, a black and white town representative of the 1950's, all of the color leaks out of Duckman and Cornfed.
    • In the same scene, the two talking to Wilbur Nelson about America:
    Wilbur: Afraid I haven't seen America for quite some time, friend, but, oh, what memories. When we met, she was wholesome, innocent, and knew her place. We used to spend entire evenings together, our TV dinners on trays in front of that glorious tube, watching warm, idealized families and non-threatening singing and dancing minorities. But then she started asking me things like what time I'd be home, or why she couldn't have a say in decisions. (chuckles) Imagine a woman questioning my authority.
  • In "The Germ Turns", Duckman starts over-compensating for his lackluster parenting, and one big highlight is when he joins Ajax at football practice:
    Duckman: (shouting so loudly that the other players can hear) I agree with you, Ajax: Those other players are a bunch of brainless, knuckle-dragging bohunks who get over-excited about showering together because they were emotionally shattered when they found out their mothers do it for doughnuts! Well put, son!
  • In In The Nam Of the Father Duckman shows up to work wearing a coat made from a baby seal pelt, with a baby seal head still attached to the shoulder. Fluffy and Uranus scream in horror. Then Duckman reveals he's also wearing underwear made from spotted owls
  • "Clip Job": The montage of Duckman saying "What the hell are YOU staring at?!"

    Season 3 
  • "Forbidden Fruit": In addition to being awesome, Fluffy and Uranus' epic cuss-out of Duckman is just so jarring and unexpected that it's hilarious.
    • Earlier in the episode, the two are sleeping in a bunk bed with him, and hear a thumping noise, and their pupils immediately shrink to pinpoints. Turns out, he was playing with a ball and paddle.
  • "The Color of Naught": When King Chicken is asked why he did his evil plan, he starts to talk but is interrupted by a news bulletin:
    News anchor: Tim Curry, the celebrated stage and screen actor has been reported missing by the Los Angeles police. A note left at the recording session for tonight's episode of the heavily praised, yet seldom watched, Duckman series simply said, "I'm going somewhere where they'll never again make me do the speech about how Duckman isolated me as a child so now I'm going to isolate him. Mwa-ha-ha. Buck, buck, buck." Now, back to the program.
  • "A Room With a Bellevue", Duckman's long rant to the two psychiatrists, perhaps his most epic rant in the entire series:
    Duckman: Parking. And driving and shopping and eating and working. Somewhere, somehow, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. (nostalgic) Ah, you never forget your senior prom. (back to annoyed) You think I'm sick? Well, the only disease I've got is modern life: A schnut-busting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, put-downs, trickle downs, shutouts, freeze-outs, sellouts, numnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like say if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it'll be over before it starts, 'cause some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking, cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback, and the cab is owned by some pinata-spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete. And even with all this, with all this!, I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway, 'cause some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult! So, does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder that I seem de-ranged?! (Beat) ...But, (chuckles) that's probably nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before.
    • At the beginning of the episode, after Duckman oversleeps due to Ajax not waking him up at 7:00 like he asked him to (he was watching the blinking "12:00" on the VCR and thought it was the real time).
    Duckman: If I don't call the governor in time with this new evidence I found, they're gonna give a wrongly-accused killer the chair! (the lights flicker) Oh well, back to bed.
  • "Apocalypse Not": When a huge burst of water is headed for the townspeople in the sewer:
    Cornfed: That's either 800 tons of raging destructive flood water, or Rush Limbaugh on rollerblades.
    Bernice: (annoyed) Oh will you stop with your dry little pig jokes?
    Cornfed: Everyone thinks your butt is huge.
  • "The Mallardian Candidate": The conversation between Bernice and the twins that Duckman and Cornfed overhears with their spy equipment about why they have to use a laundromat.
    Bernice: The washing machine is broken. If I didnt know better I'd say someone tried to sit on it with the flaps open.
    Mambo: Why do I think this involves that deranged pervert who calls himself our father?
    Charles: Except its hard to imagine that he could sink any lower in his pathetic attempts at fulfilling his grotesque and unspeakable physical needs.
    Duckman: *back in the van* I cant belive they talk that way behind my back!
    Corned: Its what they say to your face.
    Duckman: I know! You'd think they'd at least change a word or two!
    • During the brainwashing part, Duckman is told by Ajax, "The human body is not for eating." and later, "The human body is mostly not for eating."
  • The beginning of Pig Amok, with Duckman attempting to comfort Miss Liebner at her husbands funeral:
    Duckman: Your husband was a good man who always put his family first. In fact, it was out of concern for you that he concealed his rampant homosexuality! The last thing he said to me was "Duckman, don't tell my wife" *the widow starts bawling* He was protecting you, he was afraid you'd think you drove him to it, but you didn't. He said he stopped caring about you years before he even slept with a man! *Bernice smacks Duckman into a stained glass window*
    Bernice: There there, its alright. You can take some comfort in knowing that Duckman will be put in a box and buried six feet under some day too. Tonight maybe, after he falls asleep!
    • When Cornfed arrives at the funeral.
    Cornfed: Pant pant, wheeze, deep breath. Pardon my tardiness ladies and gentlemen, I've been vomiting violently all morning, my septum is severely deviated, and I've already passed three- EEEEEYAAAAAAA! Four, very large kidney stones. Also I've got a bitch of an ice cream headache. Well, I'm sure if Harry could see how many of you came out on this solemn occasion, the first thing he'd say would be (Begins convulsing) honey horn dog! Butt...bongo ribbed and lubricated for that feel of real!
    Funeral-Goers: (Gasp)
    Cornfed: Ahem, I'm sorry, that was highly inappropriate. LOOOOIIIIN KING! Rear admiral! Squeal like a pig, REEEEE!
    Funeral-Goers: (Gasp)
    Cornfed:...So, uh, we are here in Harry Leibner's honor. On her! Off her! On her, off her, yee-ha, YEE-HA, YEE-HAAAA!...To share our memories. Memories, mammaries, great big swollen mammaries, meat melons, rib balloons, potent pigs from the past FOR 100 ALEX!
    • Later in the scene: "MASTICATE MY HARD MONKEY POGO!!!"
  • "The Once and Future Duck": The various future versions of Duckman are hilarious simply because you wonder what on earth led to his becoming a psychiatrist (or psychopath), a Sassy Black Woman version of himself, or getting an I-Beam lodged through his skull.
  • "They Craved Duckman's Brain!": Duckman is being held hostage by Roland Thompson, and at one point Roland goes to the bathroom during his rant. Duckman just sits there looking bored, and when Roland exits the bathroom:
    Roland: Phew! I was afraid while I was in there, you'd escape.
    (Duckman realizes what an idiot he was and slaps his head)
  • "The Road to Dendron":
    Duckman: (to a woman) Do you know where I can find some hookers?
    (the woman punches him in the face and walks away)
    Duckman: Hey, if you don't speak English, just say so!
    • Duckman and Cornfed look for Ajax in a large group of baskets; Duckman finds him, and Cornfed asks how Duckman found him so fast, but quickly pinches his nose and says, "Nevermind."
    • When Cornfed and Duckman are being hauled through the desert by the guards, they spot Princess Fallopia taking a bath in a waterfall:
    Cornfed: I think she's naked.
    Duckman: She wears it well.
    • When Duckman is dragged away by guards:
    Conrfed: (dancing) The princess loves meeee! The princess loves meee! (later, Cornfed is tired from dancing) Princess... loves mee... (falls to the ground) What am I doing? Dancing for four days, forgetting about Ajax and Duckman. Why would I behave so carelessly, so unlike myself?
    Narrator: The password is: "Bad writing."
    Cornfed: No woman is worth jeopardizing your friends' lives for, except Elle MacPherson or Julie Moran from ET. Or Martha Stewart. Mmm.
    • "Why did I put in that waterslide? After them!"
    • "Look! An approaching camel! We've got to somehow swing ourselves onto it as it comes rushing by!" (the camel plods REALLY slowly into camera, and Duckman, Cornfed, and Ajax easily hop on its back)
  • "The Longest Weekend": When Tad Venom tries to torture Duckman and company, he presses the button but it does other things instead, like opening and closing the garage door.
    Tad: Damn! Nothing works right since Windows '95!
    • North Phlegm and Dutch Elm Street can't agree on the type of table to have the surrender negotiations at, and throw out various odd designs for tables (octangular, rhomboid, tetragon, dodecagon, and trapezohedron). The final design for the table is shaped like an amoeba.
  • "The Amazing Colossal Duckman" features Duckman growing to immense sizes as he gets angrier and angrier. Knowing this would get him out of the house, Bernice deliberately sets him off by things like stabbing his foot with a pitchfork and tying his fingers together. Thus, when Duckman says his goodbyes to his family and sets off for his self-imposed exile, he flicks Bernice off the roof.
    • Duckman's parting advice to his sons consists of "There is nothing an ointment won't cure."
    • After Duckman laments about how being gigantic has made him a freak, Gecko appears standing on his hind legs and smoking a bubble pipe, sayin "Are you?"

    Season 4 
  • "Dammit, Hollywood" starts with Duckman getting chewed out by moviegoers after seeing Lickety-Split's Oily Adventure for, among other things, urinating on the screen while screaming "Swim in this, Lickety!"
    Cornfed: On the bright side, they hit you harder in Little Princess.
    • Shortly after that, Duckman goes to complain to the theater manager.
    Duckman: Are you the manager?
    Manager: No, I beat him senseless with my bare hands, then dumped his cement-laden body into a nearby lake just so I could wear his nametag.
    Duckman: (beat) You're an odd little man, but you got away with a witty retort.
  • "All About Elliott": When Fluffy and Uranus get eaten by Duckman and are left traumatized by the end of it.
  • In "Role With It", Cornfed ends up having to drive cross-country with the duo. He rejoins the rest of the group, looking rather crazed and Fluffy and Uranus nowhere in sight.
    Duckman: Glove compartment?
    Cornfed: Tailpipe. And I paid the valet to run the engine an extra five minutes.
  • From "Ajax and Ajaxer":
    Duckman: Why, I bet a kid, thinking I was a role model and wanting to imitate my behavior, could easily steal sodas from a vending machine... too. DO IT! Do it now, kids! Stick it to the man! HAHAHAHA!!
    (Cornfed is handed some Censor Notes)
    Cornfed: "But of course, that would be wrong."
  • In "Bonfire of the Panties", this out-of-nowhere moment:
    Ben Franklin: The jig is up! Run, wastebasket, run!
  • "Haunted Society Plumbers": The ridiculously long name of Duckman and Cornfed's business, which they repeat many times: A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 Plumbing.
    • The ending, where a Bedsheet Ghost scares away Duckman and Cornfed to eat their donuts and is revealed to be none other than Homer Simpson.
    • Even better, the end credits feature audio bloopers of Homer saying the line wrong.
  • "You've Come a Wrong Way, Baby": There's a moment when Duckman and Agnes are on the lam, handcuffed together, and Agnes hurts herself and can't go on. Duckman decides to lift her and carry her, but she misinterprets it at first:
    Agnes: No offense, Duckman, but I'm not in the mood for sex.
  • This string from "Das Sub" when Duckman first meets the class he has to teach for community service:
    Duckman: You're lucky I never hit a lady who makes my Noam Chomsky.
    Student 1: Degrading sexist remark noted!
    Duckman: Ohhhhh yeah. Who's real now, Dexter? This scene is real gone, baby. I am, into, it all, dig? Ohhh, hep, very, hep.
    Student 2: ....Do you need a shot of insulin or something?
    Duckman: I don't DO that crap. I'm clean. What are you into, hmmm? Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos? Calistogan canoe wax? Sinuvian swamp weed? Latter-batter? Bud bugs? Spot foxy? Or is... booger-sugar your "lady"?