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- "The Gripes of Wrath", during the climax:
Duckman: I didn't come up with any society. I just wanted better deodorant. You were the one who made up this whole new world. You screwed up, not me!
Bruvenheim: Impossible! I am infallible!
Duckman: I don't care what religion you are.
Duckman: Hey, you're not Farfignewton!Bruvenheim: Bruvenheim!
- Duckmans inability to get Dr Bruvenheim's name right
- The supercomputer masquerading as Bruvenheim reveals that the real Bruvenheim has gone into hiding in a "perverse subculture full of scum and lowlives". Cue a cutaway to Bruvenheim participating in Star Search.
- The supercomputer self destructing after it is unable to process the inherent paradox of the human condition of wanting things to be bad and good at the same time.
- The supercomputer naming itself Loretta.
- In "Psyche", it's hilarious whenever Cornfed acts out-of-character and drops his usual deadpan demeanor, which he does in the episode Psyche as well, when offered a case in which he and Duckman have to date two ridiculously large breasted women.
Cornfed: Duckman, we have to go. I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies dormant in every woman's soul, waiting to transform her into a creature of unbridled passion, pulling at me, tugging at me, yelling TAKE ME CORNFED, MAKE ME YOUR LOVE SLAVE! (Beat) You know, that sort of thing.
Duckman: I don't know why I didn't see it before, Corny. This is the reason I haven't been getting a second look from the babes! It's what's outside that counts! Women are still after the same darn thing.Cornfed: Someone who leaves the toilet seat down?Duckman: Looks! Like that stewardess you used to date. You two wouldn't have been smacking the sheets if she thought your were a mud-face, am I right?Cornfed: Actually, we never quite went all the way.Duckman: What? You went out with her for over a year, how far did you get?Cornfed: She hugged me when we broke up.Duckman: What about the aerobics instructor?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: The hairdresser?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: Golf instructor?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: The heiress?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: Crossing guard?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: Synchronized swimmer?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: The ice sculptor?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: The ex-nun?Cornfed: Nope.Duckman: How about when you got snowbound in that cabin with the nymphomaniac who wanted to get back at her parents?Cornfed: Second base.
- The Overly Long Gag in which leads to Cornfed revealing he's a virgin.
Duckman: Did I miss anything?
- Later, after Duckman chickens out and bails on the mission...
Cornfed: We went back to their house.
Duckman: Their house!? Details, give me details.
Cornfed: A-frame. Two and a half baths. Exposed brick fireplace-
Duckman: No, you idiot! What happened!?
Cornfed: We played Twister. I lost. (Giggles) Beyond that, I am a gentleman. (Giggles harder) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to help Clasette and Fantene learn why men focus on their bodies while they sponge-wash their car in cut-offs. (Giggles maniacally)
- The hideous facial job on the plastic surgeon Duckman goes to for a duckbill extension.
- In "Gland of Opportunity", the rollercoaster ride has a halfway point for riders to get out and throw up in bathrooms.
Duckman: Can it and sell it to someone else, bacon boy. If I were interested in science, I wouldn't have spent all that classroom time in the porno arcade.
- Right before Duckman goes under from the gas, he hears the doc say, "This time, I know I'll get it right."
- Duckman wussing out of going on the dangerous rollercoaster, only to instead get injured on a pathetically child friendly merry go round.
- The annoying Magic Kingdom mascot who lists off a ridiculous list of rules for the park, such as "no outside food, no interracial dating and No On Proposition 24". Duckman proceeds to kick him off a ledge and proclaims "no hands!"
- This line, after Cornfed derides the idea of a gland transplant creating a behavioral change:
- In "Ride the High School", Ajax getting "stuck" on a stopped escalator.
Duckman: Even Deana, that lovely co-ed?
- Ajax's high school. Among the highlights: A student and teacher kissing in a locker ("It's okay, I'm her geometry teacher. Hey, I ain't in it for the salary."), a huge rolling boulder of trash from the cafeteria, a gang of West Side Story-esque hoodlums ("Cool it, daddy-o. Let's save our strength for the Sharks.") and another gang who looks like The Little Rascals, the Driven to Madness hall monitor ("You don't have a hall pass either, DO YOU?! (maniacal laughter)", and an audio Shout-Out to Apocalypse Now ("The horror... the horror...").
- When King Chicken reveals that the entire college campus was a ruse, and that the fellow students were merely robots:
King Chicken: Nope. I've never been able to make breasts. She's a Muppet.
Duckman: Oh, to be Frank Oz for a day.
Bernice: You're employing objective standards instead of the coddling of the individual?
- When King Chicken reveals his plan of getting revenge on Duckman by educating Ajax so Duckman is no longer able to relate to him, he and Bernice find a common bond: Discipline.
King Chicken: Why, yes.
Bernice: With attention to fundamentals, drill work, repetition?
King Chicken: Oh, yes, yes.
Bernice: Making the slow students catch up rather than slowing down the fast students?
King Chicken: Don't stop.
Both: And corporal punishment!
King Chicken: Ahhhh, the slap of a cat-o'-nine-tails on young skin.
Bernice: The heft of a new blackjack in your hand.
King Chicken: Three pound, or 5.2?
Bernice: Oh, three pound is for wimps.
King Chicken: Oh, my, you are an enchanting creature.
Bernice: (breathy) Just someone who cares.
Duckman: Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Creepy! Can we get back to the subject of Ajax?!
- Towards the end of the episode, Ajax can be seen giving a presentation on onomatopoeia. Later during a fight between Duckman and King Chicken that carries across the entire school, they end up crashing through a series of signs with the onomatopoeia for the sound effects that play written on them.
- After spending time at the school, Ajax is sitting in a field pondering a flower and gives brief academical summary of it, then freaks out over his own uncharacteristic behavior
- This line from "Not So Easy Riders"
Duckman: Have I ever told you my father's last words to me?Cornfed: Um, "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on"?Duckman: Before that!
Cornfed: Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what Pee Wee Herman did in that movie.
- From the same episode, when Duckman and Cornfed are surrounded by a gang of angry bikers, and Duckman accidentally turns on a Suspiciously Similar Song to Tequila.
Duckman: First of all, I don't think it's appropriate! Second...I'm not really in the mood.
Cornfed: Not that movie, the movie he starred in.
Duckman: OH, haha...I knew that.
Native American: Damn 8-track! ...Thirsty?Duckman & Cornfed: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!Native American: Me too. Wishum I had water...Only kidding. You like Indian sense of humor?(Gives them two bags of water)Native American: I ride many suns, many moons, horse die, had to stop, rent new horse, bought additional insurance package, although big ripoff, will know better next time. By way, only so much water, you not drink all.(Duckman and Cornfed drank all the water)Native American: Thanks, loads! Anything else?Duckman: Food! Food, food, food, food! Whaddya got to eat!?Native American: Hmm...(Ruffles through his bag, puts aside a perfectly good plate of noodles, a full chicken, and a sub sandwich, and reaches for the expired chili)Native American: Here, ancient medicine. Guaranteed to take appetite away.(Duckman scarfs it down)Native American: What a pair of maroons.
- Duckman going on a Mushroom Samba after eating some old canned chili. It was given to them by a Native American (played hilariously by Bobcat Goldthwait), who tries to have a leitmotif of stereotypical Native American chanting, but his 8-track keeps dying on him.
- The Mockumentary episode American Dicks is one long Crowning Moment. For example, Duckman attempting to come off like an expert detective to the camera, while overlooking or ignoring ridiculously obvious clues and leads to the case of the episode, finding the kidnapped mayor of the city. Among other things, he doesnt notice a picture of the mayor being held hostage by baseball manager Lance Le Francis on a milk carton he's drinking from, and doesnt notice the mayor being dragged kicking and screaming into a van across the street until Cornfed points it out to him.
Cornfed: Before I met Duckman, I was at a crossroads, soul-searching, looking for my place in this endless puzzle we call life. You ever wake up in a Cambodian gaming parlor and realize you're living in a dark, dank abyss of emptiness and loneliness, then wander the mountains of Asia for two years until you became the chef in a Tibetan monestary?
- The interview the American Dicks cameraman has with Cornfed.
Camera Man: I just asked what kind of detective Duckman is.
Cornfed: Oh... I have some clothes in the dryer.
Woman: He's your biggest fan. If you could just sign his oxygen tank, "Keep on fighting, little slugger. This one's going extra innings.", it would make his day.
- Ajax: "My dad swatted my face with a broom once. Of course, I was eating from the dustpan at the time."
- When Honiss is approached by a woman with a sick kid:
Honiss: That's five bucks a word for the inscription and ten for the signature.
Woman: Oh. (leaves)
Judge: Court is in session! And allow me to introduce some close personal friends - American Cops, American Dicks, American Stenographers, American Court Janitors and our very own slap-happy singleton! *courtroom cheers*
- The scene in the court room:
Ajax: ...ew, this isnt a chocolate bar...
- The cameraman accidently walking into the office next to Duckmans, which turns out to house an erotic massage parlor.
- Duckman not noticing that his car has been stripped clean of parts while they were gone, including the exterior. The only part he notices is askew is that his car refreshener is gone, until he finds it on the floor.
- The cameraman tripping over Ajax who is bending down to pick up what he thinks is a chocolate bar from the ground, and accidently smashes into Duckman with the camera.
- "It's the Thing of the Principal": When Duckman visits Ajax's school, some soldiers are nearby:
Soldier: (on the phone) Yes sir, I'll tell 'em the good news! (hangs up) Boys, we're goin' to Bosnia!
Duckman: I'm telling you, Corny, no way a woman of such delicious fleshitude would be interested in a wedgie like Ajax. She has an ulterior motive and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to expose her! Ooh, there she is.(Duckman falls out of the tree he was sitting in after she gets out of the shower)Cornfed: You okay, Duckman?Duckman: Just tell me what she's doing, will ya!?Cornfed: Nothing much. She just took off her bath towel and now she's rubbing herself down with lotion...(Duckman starts excitedly climbing back up the tree)Cornfed: ...giving herself a full frontal massage, and bending over to touch her toes for no other reason than the sheer joy of it. I tell you this; Without breast reduction, she's gonna have a lot of back trouble.Duckman: ...She's not even in the room!Cornfed: Hehe, little surveillance humor. Duckman, you are here first and foremost out of love and concern for your child.Duckman: Course I am! Why would you even dare to suggest otherwise!?Cornfed: Maybe it was the way you said "Hey Corny, let's go get a look at her naked."Duckman: I can have more than one reason for doing something!
- When Duckman and Cornfed are spying on the vice principal at her house as she gets out of the shower.
- "Cellar Beware": Terry Duke Tetzloff's sales pitch for the Interlopen Fuehrer 1500 home security system. Doubly funny is how it's John Astin voicing Terry, who's better known as Gomez Addams.
Terry: (showing slides) And then, he took the electric carving knife, cut her into little pieces, and fed her to his dog. And as for the rest of the orphans...
(group gasps in shock; one guy says, "Oh my GOD!")
Terry: ...Well, it wasn't pretty, and all because they didn't have the Interlopen Fuhrer 1500 home security system. (turns off the slides, leaving the room pitch black) But, hey, I'm not here to scare you. I'm just warning you what can happen when you value $5,999.95 (turns the lights back on) more than you do the safety of your own children. (pinches Ajax's cheek)
Bernice: Duckman, did you remember to fix that short in the doorbell?*the light flickers as a man screams in pain offscreen*Duckman: Seems to be working fine.
- Bernice resorting to capturing the rest of the family in a net just so she can get them to cooperate with her for holding the block association party.
- The bit about the malfunctioning doorbell.
- Duckmans "secret drink", which is really Formula 409. Bernice forcefeeds some to Duckman to show its safe to drink.
- The implication that Duckman has stolen all the family's belongings from their neighbors, including the dog.
- In "Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W.", when three top-heavy women visit Duckman's office:
Woman: What do you do here?
Duckman: I look at breasts. Y-and I'm, I'm a detective. Heh heh. But, mainly the breast thing.
Duckman: So what? Mo one notices, except the people who are supposed to park there. And hell, I can outrun them any day.
- Said women arent exactly the brightest bulbs in the bucket either. When they're introducing themselves, the blonde actually forgets her own name, then ends up telling them her name is Cornfed, because he just said it.
- After Duckman complains about getting a $200 parking ticket for parking in a handicapped space.
Cornfed: Extra police are here because the President is touring the neighborhood today. Perhaps they thought you looked suspicious.
Duckman: Suspicious? Me? Ridiculous. (reads a copy of "Bitter Crazed Loner Monthly", which has a swastika on the front page)
Crazed Gunman: Make the rabbits leave me alone!!!
- The would-be assassin that Duckman accidently stops.
- "While the world watched, the life of the most important person on the planet who isn't me was saved by one man, Duckman. An exclusive today on Geofredo, an episode that's so important, half of it will be commercials. Back in seven minutes."
- Duckman giving a long-winded speech about heroism and duty while visiting a Geraldo Rivera-type show, only for the host to reveal that he has taped footage of Duckmans ACTUAL actions during the attempted assassination (he was groping two of the women fawning over the president and got slapped into the assassin).
- From "Days of Whining and Neurosis", when Duckman first arrives at the Dr. Milo rehab center:
Red Herring: Cyrus Red Herring, McGuffin Security. Are you rich?
Red Herring: Famous?
Red Herring: Ever been sexually involved with a political candidate?
Duckman: No, but I did get approached by an Arkansas state trooper a few years back.
Cornfed: As you'll see, they treat a wide variety of addictions here. Most often, however, they like to group patients by profession. For instance, this is the Entertainment Industry wing, Television Subsection. Child stars, writers over 25, development executives... actually someone else gets addicted for them, then they take credit for it. This special section is for celebrities actually addicted to checking in to rehab clinics. With this class of clientele, naturally, they run into scheduling problems. So they have "drive-thru rehab" for busy Type A's who just don't have two weeks to give up.
- Cornfed is Mr. Exposition on the Dr. Milo rehab center:
Cornfed: My name is Dr. Gelman.
- When an undercover Cornfed introduces himself to the therapy group:
Duckman: No you're not.
Cornfed: Yes I am.
Duckman: No you're not.
Cornfed: Yes I am.
Duckman: What are ya talking about?! You're-
Cornfed: (grabbing Duckman's bill) My name is Dr. Gelman, Dr. NATHAN GELMAN. Nobody knows me here, so I'm introducing myself!
Duckman: Oh OHHHHHHH! Nice to meet you, Dr. Cornfed!
Cornfed: (sighs angrily)
Roulette: What'd, they bus you in from a head injury ward? Milo made me confront my anger. Showed me it's wrong to hate those who are different than me except for homo, saggy-breasted women's libbers and those third world types with funny accents.
- Duckmans attempting to escape from the therapy group to go indulge in his various addictions, and Cornfed's increasingly elaborate attempts at keeping him there.
- Roulette, an expy of Andrew Dice Clay, is accused of murdering Dr. Milo:
Cornfed: Thank you, Roulette, for expressing what millions of white trash neo-Nazis would love to say if they could hide behind the First Amendment under the guise of comedy.
Duckman: Join the club!Stark: I did, its called the Senate!
- Senator Stephen Stark, who in his own words, "likes to lie, cheat, steal and fondle everyone within reach".
Cornfed: Aversion therapy. By associating pain with a specific pleasure, you'll be conditioned not to do it again.
- Dr Milo designed a mechanical senate page who gives Stark an electric shock every time he tries to grope him.
Stark: I doubt it, he's so damn cute!
Mambo: And here comes rock star Stash.
- When Bernice and the kids visit Duckman (though it's more to spot all the celebrities in the rehab clinic):
Charles: People Magazine voted him most addicted man in America.
Stash: (sounding exactly like Ajax) Hi, kids. Nice of you to come by and see your dod.
Ajax: Whoa. Sounds like all those years of being fried really took their toll.
- How Bernice and the kids gained access to the clinic - they disguised themselves as The Osmonds.
- Red Herring from MacGuffin Security deciding not to press charges against Duckman because "its enough punishment just being him".
- The list of therapy groups the resort offers, which includes sniffing bowling shoes.
- In America the Beautiful, Duckman and Cornfed search for a model named America, and her former boyfriends who represent different decades of history. When entering a place called Appleville, a black and white town representative of the 1950's, all of the color leaks out of Duckman and Cornfed.
Wilbur: Afraid I haven't seen America for quite some time, friend, but, oh, what memories. When we met, she was wholesome, innocent, and knew her place. We used to spend entire evenings together, our TV dinners on trays in front of that glorious tube, watching warm, idealized families and non-threatening singing and dancing minorities. But then she started asking me things like what time I'd be home, or why she couldn't have a say in decisions. (chuckles) Imagine a woman questioning my authority.
- In the same scene, the two talking to Wilbur Nelson about America:
- And during all this, Duckman is coughing violently in the background for screwing up smoking a pipe.
- The Gordon Gecko-expy they visit who is the last of America's exes.
- In "The Germ Turns", Duckman starts over-compensating for his lackluster parenting, and one big highlight is when he joins Ajax at football practice:
Duckman: (shouting so loudly that the other players can hear) I agree with you, Ajax: Those other players are a bunch of brainless, knuckle-dragging bohunks who get over-excited about showering together because they were emotionally shattered when they found out their mothers do it for doughnuts! Well put, son!
Ajax: Luckily, thanks to some non-FDA approved drugs, I'll be up again by tomorrow. Unfortunatly, thats when the football team said they'd be by to beat me up again.
- Cut to Ajax lying in the hospital.
Duckman: Heh, kids and their cute little deathgames.
- The kids being driven to attempted suicide by Duckmans overbearing parenting.
Bernice: Have you flipped your flop?! Its pitch black outside!
- Duckmans first attempt at looking like a good dad, playing catch with them... in the middle of the night.
- In In The Nam Of the Father Duckman shows up to work wearing a coat made from a baby seal pelt, with a baby seal head still attached to the shoulder. Fluffy and Uranus scream in horror. Then Duckman reveals he's also wearing underwear made from spotted owls
- The hilariously offensive Vietnam War-based theme park, which includes a spookhouse with the theme "Long National Nightmare" and a "bomb the hut" game.
- The movie director's insistence that he use real ammunition in his movies, not blanks.
- "Clip Job": The montage of Duckman saying "What the hell are YOU staring at?!"
- "Forbidden Fruit": In addition to being awesome, Fluffy and Uranus' epic cuss-out of Duckman is just so jarring and unexpected that it's hilarious.
Bernice: Duckman, he was wearing an I Heart Satan-T Shirt!Duckman: Bernice, I never thought you'd be one to discriminate based on religion. When he's done slaughtering that chicken, he could sue!
- Earlier in the episode, the two are sleeping in a bunk bed with him, and hear a thumping noise, and their pupils immediately shrink to pinpoints. Turns out, he was playing with a ball and paddle.
- The various applicants for the nanny job that Bernice rejects, including a Monster Clown, Michael Jackson , and a devil worshipper. Duckman had no problem with that last one.
- "The Color of Naught": When King Chicken is asked why he did his evil plan, he starts to talk but is interrupted by a news bulletin:
News anchor: Tim Curry, the celebrated stage and screen actor has been reported missing by the Los Angeles police. A note left at the recording session for tonight's episode of the heavily praised, yet seldom watched, Duckman series simply said, "I'm going somewhere where they'll never again make me do the speech about how Duckman isolated me as a child so now I'm going to isolate him. Mwa-ha-ha. Buck, buck, buck." Now, back to the program.
- "A Room With a Bellevue", Duckman's long rant to the two psychiatrists, perhaps his most epic rant in the entire series:
Duckman: Parking. And driving and shopping and eating and working. Somewhere, somehow, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. (nostalgic) Ah, you never forget your senior prom. (back to annoyed) You think I'm sick? Well, the only disease I've got is modern life: A schnut-busting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, put-downs, trickle downs, shutouts, freeze-outs, sellouts, numnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like say if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it'll be over before it starts, 'cause some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking, cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback, and the cab is owned by some pinata-spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete. And even with all this, with all this!, I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway, 'cause some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult! So, does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder that I seem de-ranged?! (Beat) ...But, (chuckles) that's probably nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before.
Duckman: If I don't call the governor in time with this new evidence I found, they're gonna give a wrongly-accused killer the chair! (the lights flicker) Oh well, back to bed.Bernice: Duckman, arent you forgetting something?Duckman: *the lights flicker again* Oh right, his accomplice.
- At the beginning of the episode, after Duckman oversleeps due to Ajax not waking him up at 7:00 like he asked him to (he was watching the blinking "12:00" on the VCR and thought it was the real time).
Patient 1: Well, an objective mental diagnosis is almost impossible to determine. For a better answer I'd have to ask my imaginary friend, the Great Tontoon.Patient 2: Yeah, I wouldnt know either. *turns head slightly* But I might!Patient 3: Most though, sheeps have the biggest sinks!Duckman: -__-
- Duckman's sitting in traffic and his window's open. A bunch of insects cover his head, and he deadpans, "Note to self: No more meat-flavored cologne."
- The insane lengths the drycleaning clerk goes to to avoid having to live up to the stores "In By 9, Out By 5" policy. First he just denies that it exists, then tries to stall Duckman until it's after 5, then TEARS THE JACKET so the mending will delay it even further. When Duckman returns by 5, the clerk has just lazily covered up the policy sign and denies that it ever existed.
- And why he's in the asylum to begin with? For ranting in public without a starched collar. He gets a faceful of mace when he shouts about how idiotic such a law is.
- Duckman asks a few mental patients if he looks like he fits in among the patients.
- "Apocalypse Not": When a huge burst of water is headed for the townspeople in the sewer:
Cornfed: That's either 800 tons of raging destructive flood water, or Rush Limbaugh on rollerblades.
Bernice: (annoyed) Oh will you stop with your dry little pig jokes?
Cornfed: Everyone thinks your butt is huge.
Charles: This is getting creepy! And we still dont know where dad is. *the sewer is suddenly shaken by an explosion from aboveground*Cornfed: Though a picture is starting to form...
- The mayor, to the townspeople in the sewer: "There's a special place in Hell for those of you who brought dogs."
- After the townspeople are trapped in the sewer by the mysterious disasters occuring above, we get this exchange.
Duckman: *pops a wheelie* I AM IRON MAN!!
- Duckman screwing around with a steamroller.
Bernice: Why would an employment agency send a butler to a survival drill in a sewer?Butler: It's a very bad employment agency, madam. Canape?
- After surviving the flood in the sewer, Bernice and the kids encounter, of all things, a BUTLER in one of the sewer pipes, who says he was sent there by the employment agency (his whole purpose is to serve as a Red Shirt in a later scene).
- While thinking he's the last man on Earth, Duckman engages in some petty revenges by throwing bricks through windows. His victims? The DMV ("Thats for revoking my license!") Cosmo Magazine ("Thats for making women expect an orgasm EVERY DAMN TIME!!), and the Warner Bros Network ("Thats for SUCKING!!"). He also tries to break Gene Siskels windows, but this fails because his house has bulletproof glass. ("Damn you Siskel, you win this round!")
- "The Mallardian Candidate": The conversation between Bernice and the twins that Duckman and Cornfed overhears with their spy equipment about why they have to use a laundromat.
Bernice: The washing machine is broken. If I didnt know better I'd say someone tried to sit on it with the flaps open.Mambo: Why do I think this involves that deranged pervert who calls himself our father?Charles: Except its hard to imagine that he could sink any lower in his pathetic attempts at fulfilling his grotesque and unspeakable physical needs.Duckman: *back in the van* I cant belive they talk that way behind my back!Corned: Its what they say to your face.Duckman: I know! You'd think they'd at least change a word or two!
- During the brainwashing part, Duckman is told by Ajax, "The human body is not for eating." and later, "The human body is mostly not for eating."
- The beginning of Pig Amok, with Duckman attempting to comfort Miss Liebner at her husbands funeral:
Duckman: Your husband was a good man who always put his family first. In fact, it was out of concern for you that he concealed his rampant homosexuality! The last thing he said to me was "Duckman, don't tell my wife" *the widow starts bawling* He was protecting you, he was afraid you'd think you drove him to it, but you didn't. He said he stopped caring about you years before he even slept with a man! *Bernice smacks Duckman into a stained glass window*
Bernice: There there, its alright. You can take some comfort in knowing that Duckman will be put in a box and buried six feet under some day too. Tonight maybe, after he falls asleep!
Cornfed: Pant pant, wheeze, deep breath. Pardon my tardiness ladies and gentlemen, I've been vomiting violently all morning, my septum is severely deviated, and I've already passed three- EEEEEYAAAAAAA! Four, very large kidney stones. Also I've got a bitch of an ice cream headache. Well, I'm sure if Harry could see how many of you came out on this solemn occasion, the first thing he'd say would be (Begins convulsing) honey horn dog! Butt...bongo ribbed and lubricated for that feel of real!
- While looking for the bathroom, Duckman accidently stumbles into the embalming room, and later staggers back to the funeral parlor with stiff limbs and rogue and makeup on.
- When Cornfed arrives at the funeral.
Cornfed: Ahem, I'm sorry, that was highly inappropriate. LOOOOIIIIN KING! Rear admiral! Squeal like a pig, REEEEE!
Cornfed:...So, uh, we are here in Harry Leibner's honor. On her! Off her! On her, off her, yee-ha, YEE-HA, YEE-HAAAA!...To share our memories. Memories, mammaries, great big swollen mammaries, meat melons, rib balloons, potent pigs from the past FOR 100 ALEX!
Documentary Narrator: While meeting with the village elder, he tells Cornfed "This is my only daughter, isnt she beautiful?" But Cornfed speaks only a little of the tribes language, and interprets it as "I would consider it a great honor if you pretended to make loud donkey noises and pretend to vomit at my feet". The results are disastrous.
- Later in the scene: "MASTICATE MY HARD MONKEY POGO!!!"
- The origin of Cornfed's disease - its a curse put upon his family by a tribe of South Pacific tribesmen after his ancestor accidently insulted the chief's daughter.
Ulysses S. Grant: "I seek a favor, old friend. Relations with the savage tribes of Massapequa are at an impasse, and we are sorely in need of the whale bone mines they control. Our corset industry depends on you, Cornfed. Love to Melville. President Ulysses S. Grant, White House, Washington D.C., E-mail: President@Anachronism.com."
- The same documentary has a parody of Civil War letters:
- When the documentary host is talking about the medicinal explanation of the odd berries Cornfed's ancestor was forcefed, he says you'd have to speak to a doctor or "someone who plays a doctor on TV". Cue one of the actors of the medical soap ER talking about the berries.
- "The Once and Future Duck": The various future versions of Duckman are hilarious simply because you wonder what on earth led to his becoming a psychiatrist (or psychopath), a Sassy Black Woman version of himself, or getting an I-Beam lodged through his skull.
Bernice!Duckman: Kill me, kill me please...
- Or the Duckman who had Bernice's head transplanted on his body. When he shows up, he looks half dead.
- At one point, James Madison drops in to clear up some points about the Constitution - Duckman is as shellshocked as the audience.
- I'M NOT FROM ANY PARTICULAR TIME! I'M "SPEAKS UNNATURALLY LOUD DUCKMAN!" WHERE I COME FROM EVERYONE TALKS LIKE THIS."
- Which leads to the one with the I-Beam in his skull popping back up to ask them to keep it down since he's got a splitting headache.
- Duckman dealing with versions only seconds removed from himself, leading to constantly repeating his panicked reactions.
- Duckman's about to call a hospital to be locked in a padded room when a 60-year-old version of himself says his future wife is about to call the house at that moment. Duckman hesitates and is about to answer the phone, but then the 70-year-old version appears—warning him the wife eventually tries to murder him.
- "They Craved Duckman's Brain!": Duckman is being held hostage by Roland Thompson, and at one point Roland goes to the bathroom during his rant. Duckman just sits there looking bored, and when Roland exits the bathroom:
Roland: Phew! I was afraid while I was in there, you'd escape.
(Duckman realizes what an idiot he was and slaps his head)
- Among the groups associated with Thompsons evil scheme to destroy the cure for cancer are all manner of medical professionals, New Yorkers who need apartments, and the Republican Party. They dont have anything to do with medical care, they just go where the evil is.
- Thompson is killed when his car crashes into a cigarette truck...which somehow immediatly gives him cancer after it catches fire.
- Dr. Craig Ehrlich wants to harvest an isotope in Duckman's brain that could be a cure for cancer, but that would kill him. He abducts the rest of the family and tests their brains to see if they have the isotope. note They don't have it, but they're there in the lab when Ehrlich tries to get Duckman to agree to the procedure and help the conversation go completely off the rails.
Ehrlich: I know how you feel, Duckman, but a wise man once said, "The Needs of the Many outweigh the needs of the few."
Duckman: Hey, that wise man was Mr. Spock, and the only reason he felt that way because he knew they'd sent his body to the Genesis planet so he could come back to life.
Cornfed: Actually, he thought they were gonna bring him to Vulcan to be reborn.
Charles: Yeah, the Genesis planet was just a happy accident.
Bernice: Y'know, all Picard has to do is send Kirk's body to the Genesis planet. Then he can come back to life.
Ajax: But the Nexus destroyed Kirk's body.
Mambo: Hey, what if they did that slingshot around the sun thing, went back in time a couple of days, and beamed Kirk and Picard some big guns to kill Malcolm McDowell with.
Bernice: Oh, he was so good in Time After Time.
Cornfed: What about Clockwork Orange?
Ajax: That was awesome.
Ehrlich: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
- "The Road to Dendron":
Ben Stein: Mr. Duckman, if you can't act with a modicum of decorum on your son's field trip, I'll rip out your heart and feed it to my dingo.
- Duckman is annoying Ben Stein the bus driver by singing "99 Bottles of Scotch".
Duckman: Oh, look at me shaking, Mr. Big Shot Psychiatrist Bus Driver! (waves his butt at him) Mmm-mmm-mmm!
(Ben Stein, without changing his deadpan expression, slams on the brakes, sending Duckman flying to the front of the bus. When Duckman wearily stands up, Ben grabs him...)
Ben Stein: Please stand behind the yellow line. (kicks Duckman to the back of the bus)
Duckman: (to a woman) Do you know where I can find some hookers?
- This bit:
(the woman punches him in the face and walks away)
Duckman: Hey, if you don't speak English, just say so!
Cornfed: I think she's naked.
- Duckman and Cornfed look for Ajax in a large group of baskets; Duckman finds him, and Cornfed asks how Duckman found him so fast, but quickly pinches his nose and says, "Nevermind."
- When Cornfed and Duckman are being hauled through the desert by the guards, they spot Princess Fallopia taking a bath in a waterfall:
Duckman: She wears it well.
Conrfed: (dancing) The princess loves meeee! The princess loves meee! (later, Cornfed is tired from dancing) Princess... loves mee... (falls to the ground) What am I doing? Dancing for four days, forgetting about Ajax and Duckman. Why would I behave so carelessly, so unlike myself?
- When Duckman is dragged away by guards:
Narrator: The password is: "Bad writing."
Cornfed: No woman is worth jeopardizing your friends' lives for, except Elle MacPherson or Julie Moran from ET. Or Martha Stewart. Mmm.
- "Why did I put in that waterslide? After them!"
- "Look! An approaching camel! We've got to somehow swing ourselves onto it as it comes rushing by!" (the camel plods REALLY slowly into camera, and Duckman, Cornfed, and Ajax easily hop on its back)
- "The Longest Weekend": When Tad Venom tries to torture Duckman and company, he presses the button but it does other things instead, like opening and closing the garage door.
Tad: Damn! Nothing works right since Windows '95!
- North Phlegm and Dutch Elm Street can't agree on the type of table to have the surrender negotiations at, and throw out various odd designs for tables (octangular, rhomboid, tetragon, dodecagon, and trapezohedron). The final design for the table is shaped like an amoeba.
- Duckman copying George Patton's iconic war speech from Patton, except he's armored up with various kitchen utensils instead of a uniform, and claims that he cant fight with the others because "he's got this thing".
- The huge battle between Phlegm and Elm, with the citizens beating eachother up with various tools and assorted junk. One Elm Street member pours olive oil all over a lawn, freaking out the owner.
- The episode ends with Duckman celebrating as the only survivor in the ruins of the neighborhood, and the narrator talking about The Golden Rule and how we need to treat others as we wish to be treated so we can lull our enemies into a false sense of security before we wipe them out.
- "The Amazing Colossal Duckman" features Duckman growing to immense sizes as he gets angrier and angrier. Knowing this would get him out of the house, Bernice deliberately sets him off by things like stabbing his foot with a pitchfork and tying his fingers together. Thus, when Duckman says his goodbyes to his family and sets off for his self-imposed exile, he flicks Bernice off the roof.
- Duckman's parting advice to his sons consists of "There is nothing an ointment won't cure."
- After Duckman laments about how being gigantic has made him a freak, Gecko appears standing on his hind legs and smoking a bubble pipe, sayin "Are you?"
- When Duckman first starts growing, Cornfed cautions him against "such an obvious use of steroids".
- After Duckman has been in exile on the desert island for a few weeks, Cornfed returns and discovers that Duckman has shrunk again with the lack of anything to be gripe about. He's there for less than 5 minutes before Duckman has ranted his way back to his original size.
- "Cock Tales For Four": King Chicken and Duckman's huge simultaneous belch (followed by the two laughing hysterically) at the end of act two.
- Duckman throwing Ajax out of the car on the way to his new girlfriends house, because due to Ajax weird accent, he misunderstands Ajax saying her name, mistaking "Tamy" for "Tommy". Not out of homophobia, but because he's afraid women will think it runs in the family and he has hard enough a time to get women as it is.
- "Dammit, Hollywood" starts with Duckman getting chewed out by moviegoers after seeing Lickety-Split's Oily Adventure for, among other things, urinating on the screen while screaming "Swim in this, Lickety!"
Cornfed: On the bright side, they hit you harder in Little Princess.
Duckman: Are you the manager?Manager: No, I beat him senseless with my bare hands, then dumped his cement-laden body into a nearby lake just so I could wear his nametag.Duckman: (beat) You're an odd little man, but you got away with a witty retort.
- Shortly after that, Duckman goes to complain to the theater manager.
- After taking over the studio, Duckman gives an interview.
Duckman: In fact, I just moved my family into a house in Bel-Air that used to belong to Merv Griffin.
[Cut away to said house, where Merv Griffin is angrily knocking on the front door]
Duckman: Go away! Anyone can say they still live here!
- "All About Elliott": When Fluffy and Uranus get eaten by Duckman and are left traumatized by the end of it.
Fluffy and Uranus: "Please don't eat us, Please don't eat us, Please don't eat us, Please don't eat us"
- In "Role With It", Cornfed ends up having to drive cross-country with Fluffy and Uranus. He rejoins the rest of the group, looking rather crazed and the duo nowhere in sight.
- Duckman: Glove compartment?
Cornfed: Tailpipe. And I paid the valet to run the engine an extra five minutes.
Manager: I dont mean to interrupt your grotesque cultural stereotype, but can I help you with something? Maybe directions AWAY from here?
- The therapy session almost immediatly devolves into everyone tearing apart eachother, and eventually ganging up on Duckman.
- When the therapist asks Ajax what his idea of the pefect family is, we see a fantasy sequence of Ajax being the fourth brother on Weird Science.
- Duckman's shockingly offensive behavior around the Indian casino staff, even for him. To start with, the first thing he does after getting out of the car is to do a mock war dance, then a joke around the word "reservation" and it just gets worse from there.
- Also, Duckman has apparently misunderstood exactly what the opression of native americans was, and has confused it with the slave trade in the South.
- When Duckman complains about his steak being undercooked, the waiter takes it back to the kitchen, and we hear all manner of disgusting things being done to it. When it comes back out, it's rather disleveled, but Duckman apparently likes this one better.
- When the family disintegrates during the therapy session, even Charles and Mambo dont want to speak with eachother anymore, which is problematic since they share a body.
- From "Ajax and Ajaxer":
- In "Bonfire of the Panties", Cornfed and Charles/Mambo communicate telepathically, with Cornfed admitting that he doesn't use his power very often because of a traumatic incident years ago. Flashback to Cornfed meeting Willard Scott and shaking his hand, only to convulse when he reads Scott's apparently disturbing thoughts.
Ben Franklin: The jig is up! Run, wastebasket, run!
- This out-of-nowhere moment:
- "Haunted Society Plumbers": The ridiculously long name of Duckman and Cornfed's business, which they repeat many times: A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- A-A-A-A-A-A-A-1 Plumbing.
- The ending, where a Bedsheet Ghost scares away Duckman and Cornfed to eat their donuts and is revealed to be none other than Homer Simpson.
- Even better, the end credits feature audio bloopers of Homer saying the line wrong.
- "You've Come a Wrong Way, Baby": There's a moment when Duckman and Agnes are on the lam, handcuffed together, and Agnes hurts herself and can't go on. Duckman decides to lift her and carry her, but she misinterprets it at first:
Agnes: No offense, Duckman, but I'm not in the mood for sex.
- Tony Randall's appearance at the end, complete with a "footnote" from the producers saying that his voice is being impersonated Note because "Mr. Randall never returned our phone calls."
- The scene where Bernice catches Charles and Mambo smoking and has a despairing breakdown, complete with One-Woman Wail, like she just found them dead or something.
- The ridiculous anti-smoking propaganda Bernice wants produced, such as replacing cigarette mascots with "Sammy Strokeface" or "The Cancer-Ridden Clown", and digitally replacing cigarettes in old movies with carrots.
- The pro-smoking lobbyists who presents cigarettes as social samaritans that fund parks and schools with their taxes, when in reality those taxes have to basically be wrenched out of their grubby hands at gunpoint.
- Tons from "Das Sub":
Judge: For the NINETEENTH TIME, there IS no jury!! (points to the jury stand which is empty)
- Duckman making a complete mockery of his trial, and the judge getting angrier and angrier. First of all, his defense is nothing but him listing the plot for the various Leprechaun, Puppet Master and Maniac Cop movies, and he keeps adressing the jury despite the fact that this is a civil trial and thus there is no jury.
Duckman: (pauses, covers one eye with his hand, then uncovers it) Man, I knew I was drunk, but I must be DRUNK!
Duckman: Letters! Thousands of 'em addressed to a man who would never commit fraud: Santa!
- Also, one of his defense strategies is ripping off Miracle on 34th Street, with a bunch of bags of letters hauled into the courtroom:
Judge: Even if this were relevant, which it isn't, these aren't addressed to Santa, you idiot, they're addressed to Satan!
Duckman: (examines a letter) ...Stupid post office.
Cornfed: Yeah, the commute's a breeze.
- The judge finally gets sick of Duckmans disrespectful and nonsensical behavior and sentences him to 4000 hours of community service, and tells the bailif to shoot him unless Duckman isnt gone in 15 seconds.
- Duckman realizes his community service is at Malthis High School, which is only half a block from his house.
Duckman: DUCKMAN! I USED TO HAVE ROUGH SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER! TRUCK DRIVERS WOULD PAY TO WATCH!
- When Duckman reports to the principal's office to find out where his classroom is, he has to talk to a foreign administrative assistant instead, who knows very little English and only responds with "Yes!" and "Hi!" Duckman quickly runs with this:
Duckman: You're lucky I never hit a lady who makes my Noam Chomsky.
- This string when Duckman first meets the class he has to teach for community service:
Student 1: Degrading sexist remark noted!
Duckman: Ohhhhh yeah. Who's real now, Dexter? This scene is real gone, baby. I am, into, it all, dig? Ohhh, hep, very, hep.
Student 2: ....Do you need a shot of insulin or something?
Duckman: I don't DO that crap. I'm clean. What are you into, hmmm? Shiners? Boom-booms? Rippos? Calistogan canoe wax? Sinuvian swamp weed? Latter-batter? Bud bugs? Spot foxy? Or is... booger-sugar your "lady"?
Student: He'll admit the break-in was his idea?
- Duckman insists on treating his community service like the movie Dangerous Minds. In his defense, the school IS a dilabidated slum. Unfortunatly, the class HE'S teaching are all college-bound honor students.
- When Duckman lands the students in jail, Cornfed comes to bail them out and claims Duckman feels bad about what he did, and that he'll do anything to make it right.
(looooong deadpan stare from Cornfed, and finally...)
Cornfed: Some good news...
- In ''Short, Plush and Deadly", Cornfed is left completely helpless after being stung by a swarm of insects and bashed over the head with a tree branch (And a tree) by Duckman, and his attempts to get Duckman to help him are all in vein.
Cornfed: Duckman, listen carfully. I've only got a few seconds before my body swells up and I'm unable to speak or move. Luckily, you can fabricate the antidote using that moss over- (Duckman covers his mouth)Duckman: Save your strength, dear one. Don't spoil my last memory of you by spewing some delirious stream-of-consciousness gobbeldygook. Oh Corny, please, for once have some dignity. You owe me that much. (Cornfed's head inflates to several times its size) Hey, nice face, Corn...for Mardi Gras!Cornfed: (Muffled gibberish)Duckman: What, old pal. What are you trying to say? "Thank you for being my friend"?Cornfed: (Thinking) If I wasn't blind, paralyzed and almost dead, I'd be wearing your sphincter as a shoe.
Cornfed: (Muffled gibberish)Duckman: Poor Cornfed. I'd bet you'd have some helpful suggestion, if only there were some way for me to hear what you were thinking.Cornfed: (Thinking) Kill Duckman, kill Duckman, kill Duckman.
- After the two escape an enraged, mutated Fluffy and Uranus down a waterfall...
- Duckman forcing Fluffy and Uranus to carry him and Cornfed around to look for a camp site, and keeps rejecting locations for reasons such as "too hilly", "too flat" and "too perfect".
- Duckman makes such a nusiance of himself at the original campsite that a park ranger forces him to leave because they've gotten complaints from "every living thing within 50 miles".
Duckman: The Graphic Adventures Of A Private Dick (PC Game)
- Duckman discovering that his favorite strip club has been closed down and turned into a bathroom fixture store. When he complains to the store owner, he says that the club closed because the health inspector found more bacteria in there than a port-a-potty at a Grateful Dead concert. Duckman then complains that the club owner still owed him money for letting the owners ugly sister give him a "scratchy lap dance".
- You have to defeat the owner in an insult contest. Problem is, you have to do it in his language, which Duckman doesnt know and has to make guesses based on random phrases he's learned throughout the game.
- The ridiculous amusement park/pizzeria based on Dante's Inferno that Duckman has to operate for part of the game.
- Duckman attempts to sabotage the New Duckmans career by replacing the original tape with a recording from a phone sex line, then putting the recording in the New Duckman Talking Action Figure. This backfires when the public turns out to love the idea of a foul-mouthed toy, something that has never worked for the real Duckman.
- The goal of a long quest chain revolves around getting put on the security guards list at the production studio so he'll let you past. Once you finish it... the guard decides that Duckman looks trustworthy and says he'll just let him in. Duckman is so infuriated that he went through all that for nothing that he forces the guard to look at the list.
- When King Chicken turns out to be the culprit yet again, Duckman lampshades that he should really see that coming by now.
- The Non Standard Game Over you get if you have the characters burn up on re-entry after escaping King Chicken's space station at the end. Cornfed tells you "its not that kind of game" and rewinds to just before.
- The game is narrated by Cornfed who is stranded in a trench on a war-torn battlefield, and only briefly states at the start that it's Duckmans fault that he's out there, but it never comes up in the game... that is, until a Post Credits Scene, where we find out that Cornfed is actually on a movie set, and is playing a role there while the original Duckman set is rebuilt.