History Funny / Duckman

26th Jun '17 8:38:08 PM Fretless94
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* "Sperms of Endearment", after Bernice discovers she's been artificially inseminated with Duckman's sperm, Cornfed arrives at the door.
-->'''Duckman:''' Uh, Corny, this isn't really a good-
-->'''Cornfed:''' My contract stipulates I must appear in every episode for at least ten seconds.
-->'''Duckman:''' Oh, alright. Work okay?
-->'''Cornfed:''' Fine.
-->'''Duckman:''' How's the wife?
-->'''Cornfed:''' Not married.
-->'''Duckman:''' Favorite Beatle?
-->'''Cornfed:''' Ringo. You know, [[StatingTheSimpleSolution if you let me stay I can easily solve whatever crisis you may]]-
-->''(Duckman looks at his watch and slams the door on him)''
20th May '17 5:18:12 PM nombretomado
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** The [[WallStreet Gordon Gecko]]-expy they visit who is the last of America's exes.

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** The [[WallStreet [[Film/WallStreet Gordon Gecko]]-expy they visit who is the last of America's exes.
11th May '17 2:48:27 PM SilentStranger
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** The therapy session almost immediatly devolves into everyone tearing apart eachother, and eventually ganging up on Duckman.
** When the therapist asks Ajax what his idea of the pefect family is, we see a fantasy sequence of Ajax being the fourth brother on ''WeirdScience''.
** Duckman's shockingly offensive behavior around the Indian casino staff, even for him. To start with, the first thing he does after getting out of the car is to do a mock war dance, then a joke around the word "reservation" and it just gets worse from there.
--> '''Manager''': I dont mean to interrupt your grotesque cultural stereotype, but can I help you with something? Maybe directions AWAY from here?
*** Also, Duckman has apparently misunderstood exactly what the opression of native americans was, and has confused it with the slave trade in the South.
** When Duckman complains about his steak being undercooked, the waiter takes it back to the kitchen, and we hear all manner of disgusting things being done to it. When it comes back out, it's rather disleveled, but Duckman apparently likes this one better.
** When the family disintegrates during the therapy session, even Charles and Mambo dont want to speak with eachother anymore, which is problematic since they share a body.


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** The scene where Bernice catches Charles and Mambo smoking and has a despairing breakdown, complete with OneWomanWail, like she just found them dead or something.
** The ridiculous anti-smoking propaganda Bernice wants produced, such as replacing cigarette mascots with "Sammy Strokeface" or "The Cancer-Ridden Clown", and digitally replacing cigarettes in old movies with carrots.
** The pro-smoking lobbyists who presents cigarettes as social samaritans that fund parks and schools with their taxes, when in reality those taxes have to basically be wrenched out of their grubby hands at gunpoint.
27th Apr '17 2:19:15 PM SilentStranger
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** The hideous facial job on the plastic surgeon Duckman goes to for a duckbill extension.



--> '''Bernice''': Duckman, arent you forgetting something?
--> '''Duckman''': *the lights flicker again* [[UpToEleven Oh right, his accomplice]].



** The insane lengths the drycleaning clerk goes to to avoid having to live up to the stores "In By 9, Out By 5" policy. First he just denies that it exists, then tries to stall Duckman until it's after 5, then TEARS THE JACKET so the mending will delay it even further. When Duckman returns by 5, the clerk has just lazily covered up the policy sign and denies that it ever existed.



** Duckman asks a few mental patients if he looks like he fits in among the patients.
--> '''Patient 1''': Well, an objective mental diagnosis is almost impossible to determine. For a better answer I'd have to ask my imaginary friend, the Great Tontoon.
--> '''Patient 2''': Yeah, I wouldnt know either. *turns head slightly* But I might!
--> '''Patient 3''': Most though, sheeps have the biggest sinks!
--> '''Duckman''': -__-



** After the townspeople are trapped in the sewer by the mysterious disasters occuring above, we get this exchange.
--> '''Charles''': This is getting creepy! And we still dont know where dad is. *the sewer is suddenly shaken by an explosion from aboveground*
--> '''Cornfed''': Though a picture is starting to form...
** Duckman screwing around with a steamroller.
--> '''Duckman''': *pops a wheelie* I AM IRON MAN!!
** After surviving the flood in the sewer, Bernice and the kids encounter, of all things, a BUTLER in one of the sewer pipes, who says he was sent there by the employment agency (his whole purpose is to serve as a RedShirt in a later scene).
--> '''Bernice''': Why would an employment agency send a butler to a survival drill in a sewer?
--> '''Butler''': It's a very bad employment agency, madam. Canape?
** While thinking he's the last man on Earth, Duckman engages in some petty revenges by throwing bricks through windows. His victims? The DMV ("Thats for revoking my license!") Cosmo Magazine ("Thats for making women expect an orgasm EVERY DAMN TIME!!), and the Warner Bros Network ("Thats for SUCKING!!"). He also tries to break Gene Siskels windows, but this fails because his house has bulletproof glass. ("Damn you Siskel, you win this round!")



** While looking for the bathroom, Duckman accidently stumbles into the embalming room, and later staggers back to the funeral parlor with stiff limbs and rogue and makeup on.



** When the documentary host is talking about the medicinal explanation of the odd berries Cornfed's ancestor was forcefed, he says you'd have to speak to a doctor or "someone who plays a doctor on TV". Cue one of the actors of the medical soap ''ER'' talking about the berries.



** Among the groups associated with Thompsons evil scheme to destroy the cure for cancer are all manner of medical professionals, New Yorkers who need apartments, and the Republican Party. They dont have anything to do with medical care, they just go where the evil is.
** Thompson is killed when his car crashes into a cigarette truck...which somehow immediatly gives him cancer after it catches fire.




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** Duckman forcing Fluffy and Uranus to carry him and Cornfed around to look for a camp site, and keeps rejecting locations for reasons such as "too hilly", "too flat" and "too perfect".
** Duckman makes such a nusiance of himself at the original campsite that a park ranger forces him to leave because they've gotten complaints from "every living thing within 50 miles".
18th Apr '17 3:27:41 PM SpideyTerry
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*** Which leads to the one with the I-Beam in his skull popping back up to ask them to keep it down since he's got a splitting headache.
** Duckman dealing with versions only seconds removed from himself, leading to constantly repeating his panicked reactions.
** Duckman's about to call a hospital to be locked in a padded room when a 60-year-old version of himself says his future wife is about to call the house at that moment. Duckman hesitates and is about to answer the phone, but then the 70-year-old version appears--warning him the wife eventually tries to murder him.


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** Dr. Craig Ehrlich wants to harvest an isotope in Duckman's brain that could be a cure for cancer, but that would kill him. He abducts the rest of the family and tests their brains to see if they have the isotope. [[note]]Cornfed's brain is also tested--not because Ehrlich believed he had the isotope, but because he's willing Duckman's partner.[[/note]] They don't have it, but they're there in the lab when Ehrlich tries to get Duckman to agree to the procedure and help the conversation go completely off the rails.
--->'''Ehrlich:''' I know how you feel, Duckman, but [[Film/StarTrekIITheWrathOfKhan a wise man once said]], "TheNeedsOfTheMany outweigh the needs of the few."\\
'''Duckman:''' Hey, that wise man was Mr. Spock, and the only reason he felt that way because he knew they'd sent his body to the Genesis planet so he could come back to life.\\
'''Cornfed:''' Actually, he thought they were gonna bring him to Vulcan to be reborn.\\
'''Charles:''' Yeah, the Genesis planet was just a happy accident.\\
'''Bernice:''' Y'know, all Picard has to do is send Kirk's body to the Genesis planet. Then he can come back to life.\\
'''Ajax:''' But the Nexus destroyed Kirk's body.\\
'''Mambo:''' Hey, what if they did that slingshot around the sun thing, went back in time a couple of days, and beamed Kirk and Picard some big guns to kill Malcolm [=McDowell=] with.\\
'''Bernice:''' Oh, he was so good in ''Film/TimeAfterTime''.\\
'''Cornfed:''' What about ''[[Film/AClockworkOrange Clockwork Orange]]''?\\
'''Ajax:''' That was awesome.\\
'''Ehrlich:''' [[BigShutUp SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!]]
17th Apr '17 11:56:39 AM SpideyTerry
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** After taking over the studio, Duckman gives an interview.
--->'''Duckman:''' In fact, I just moved my family into a house in Bel-Air that used to belong to Merv Griffin.\\
''[Cut away to said house, where Merv Griffin is angrily knocking on the front door]''\\
'''Duckman:''' Go away! Anyone can say they still live here!
2nd Apr '17 11:16:38 AM nombretomado
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-->'''Cornfed:''' Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what [[PeeWeesPlayhouse Pee Wee Herman]] did in that movie.\\

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-->'''Cornfed:''' Duckman, maybe you should try distracting them by doing what [[PeeWeesPlayhouse [[Series/PeeWeesPlayhouse Pee Wee Herman]] did in that movie.\\



'''Cornfed:''' Not that movie, [[PeeWeesBigAdventure the movie he starred in.]]\\

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'''Cornfed:''' Not that movie, [[PeeWeesBigAdventure [[Film/PeeWeesBigAdventure the movie he starred in.]]\\
17th Feb '17 10:12:18 AM Fretless94
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--> '''Cornfed''': Have you ever realized you were living in a deep dank abyss, causing you to roam the world for five years until you end up becoming the chef of a Tibetan monastery?\\

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--> '''Cornfed''': Have you Before I met Duckman, I was at a crossroads, soul-searching, looking for my place in this endless puzzle we call life. You ever realized you were wake up in a Cambodian gaming parlor and realize you're living in a deep dark, dank abyss, causing you to roam abyss of emptiness and loneliness, then wander the world mountains of Asia for five two years until you end up becoming became the chef of in a Tibetan monastery?\\monestary?\\
17th Feb '17 10:00:36 AM Fretless94
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** When Duckman and Cornfed are spying on the vice principal at her house as she gets out of the shower.
-->'''Duckman:''' I'm telling you, Corny, no way a woman of such delicious fleshitude would be interested in a wedgie like Ajax. She has an ulterior motive and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to expose her! Ooh, there she is.
-->''(Duckman falls out of the tree he was sitting in after she gets out of the shower)''
-->'''Cornfed:''' You okay, Duckman?
-->'''Duckman:''' Just tell me what she's doing, will ya!?
-->'''Cornfed:''' Nothing much. She just took off her bath towel and now she's rubbing herself down with lotion...
-->''(Duckman starts excitedly climbing back up the tree)''
-->'''Cornfed:''' ...giving herself a full frontal massage, and bending over to touch her toes for no other reason than the sheer joy of it. I tell you this; Without breast reduction, she's gonna have a lot of back trouble.
-->'''Duckman:''' ...She's not even in the room!
-->'''Cornfed:''' Hehe, little surveillance humor. Duckman, you ''are'' here first and foremost out of love and concern for your child.
-->'''Duckman:''' Course I am! Why would you even dare to suggest otherwise!?
-->'''Cornfed:''' Maybe it was the way you said "Hey Corny, let's go get a look at her naked."
-->'''Duckman:''' I can have more than one reason for doing something!
12th Feb '17 8:23:05 PM Fretless94
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** Duckman going on a MushroomSamba after eating some old canned chili.

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** Duckman going on a MushroomSamba after eating some old canned chili. It was given to them by a Native American (played hilariously by Creator/BobcatGoldthwait), who tries to have a {{leitmotif}} of stereotypical Native American chanting, but his 8-track keeps dying on him.
-->'''Native American:''' Damn 8-track! ...Thirsty?
-->'''Duckman & Cornfed:''' Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!
-->'''Native American:''' Me too. Wishum I had water...Only kidding. You like Indian sense of humor?
-->''(Gives them two bags of water)''
-->'''Native American:''' I ride many suns, many moons, horse die, had to stop, rent new horse, bought additional insurance package, although big ripoff, will know better next time. By way, only so much water, you not drink all.
-->''(Duckman and Cornfed drank all the water)''
-->'''Native American:''' Thanks, loads! Anything else?
-->'''Duckman:''' Food! Food, food, food, food! Whaddya got to eat!?
-->'''Native American:''' Hmm...
-->''(Ruffles through his bag, puts aside a perfectly good plate of noodles, a full chicken, and a sub sandwich, and reaches for the expired chili)''
-->'''Native American:''' Here, ancient medicine. Guaranteed to take appetite away.
-->''(Duckman scarfs it down)''
-->'''Native American:''' What a pair of maroons.
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