Bert: "Success! Pedal caught." [A bunch of gibberish appears] Bert: "Pedal? Hrgrhg-"... What? Dubz: Six-dash-three-question-mark! W! Question-question-question-question! Question-question-question! ... [Croc gets poisoned] Dubz: Awww. Bert: CROC KILLED. Dubz: WE WERE KILLED! But we're still alive. Bert: And what's that weird symbol next to our name? Dubz: It's Vietnamese! Bert: It's like a... snowman with two pieces minus the other side. Dubz: He's, like, peeking out from behind the question mark- wait, why is there a question mark? ... Bert: I hate Camls. ... Bert: "Lost again, pain-" PAINTFUL? It's paintful. It is very paintful. ... Bert: "Lap? Falled." It always has to question whether or not it had the right Pokemon. "Was it Lap?"
Bert: "Hemp Ah!" Dubz: AH! Bert: "But not decided." Dubz: Oh, good. Bert: He didn't decide well enough. Dubz: It's like, "Hemp... AHHHHHHHH nah." ... Bert: Wait, I don't wanna renew my poisoning! ... Bert: "This was the thing about three years ago. The group of MISSILE BOMB made use of monsters to do evils. But he who is unjust is DOOMED TO DESTRUCTION, a youth's action dismissed them." MISSILE BOMB is Team Rocket!
Also, they find out that Poison Sting has no name. When it's used by Beannote their Weedle, all that appears is "Bean !"
[Enemy Caterpie uses Tackle] Dubz: Damn, we just got Prized. [Bean uses Poison Sting] Dubz: He just got exclamation-pointed!
Bert: "Trained on the Road of Ultimate." On the Road of Ultimate! Dubz: This guy means business! ... Bert: "To let the monster becomes stronger, the coach must be stronger. If only so, the monster must be stronger." ... Bert: "But Bean unhearing." Bean's deaf! No! Dubz: No!
Bert: "It's this tower to let the monsters andpeople are-" Dubz: Andpeople. "Full of fancy-" Bert: "...for bright future, to affirm-" Dubz: There's an S stuck in the lower right-hand corner. Bert: "...practising place and the last steeling," STEELING, as in metal. "We need to see it is who between me and the man that isn't snapped th- the t-" WHAT IS THIS GUY SAYING?
Dubz: Who do we have left? Pizza? Bert: Pizza and Steak. Sounds like a good dinner right now. ... [Bert is about to use a move called Flame] Bert: "WAT." It's a WAT type, but it's called Flame. [The game shows Water Gun being used] Bert: Yeah, that's fitting! That is fitting.
Bert: "[...]You use them considerately, and their inside is made of mud-" Their insides are made of mud! "-so you do your best to evade the opposite's shoot functional-"? What? There's a random "O" in the bottom-right again. "-to attack and defend."
Episode 12 starts with Bert getting a Great Ball (called Suppball) and a fishing rod (called Clothbag).
Bert: "The Jimu badge is expensive. Are you baught from Zhaochan?" Dubz: What the fuck!? We don't even know that guy! Bert: We have to pay for badges now? Dubz: Yeah, apparently. Oh, it's a Bird Keeper. That's why. Bert: It's actually Y Apostrophe S Equals AC. ... Bert: We found soda! ...and we fucked it.
Bert: "Steak Numbed, Can't Do!" ... Dubz: "Steak, Again?" Another night of steak? Dammit. ... Bert: It used "Hate". Where's the love? ... Bert: Stop using Hate! Dubz: Is that all it knows? It really hates Steak! ... [The enemy trainer is about to send out a Pokemon named Fork] Bert: Fork? It's sending out Fork. Well, you gotta eat your Beans with a Fork. [The trainer sends out Beedrill] Bert: I'm jealous. [Bert sends out a Kakuna.] Bert: And I'm sending out this.
Dubz offers his final thoughts before they finish up:
Dubz: I wanna watch a Vietnamese person play this, and they, like, actually make sense of all the translations. Like, "Oh yeah, that makes sense." "What did it say?" "THIS, TO BE, AND THEN, THEREFORE, FOR AND BUT I AND IF ONLY THEN. Duh!" "You don't know what you're doing Shung Long Kwai... Mu!"
Bert: "My Sputa will flow down." Dubz: ...What? That was sexual. ... Bert: "You can slide freely everywhere! Want to buy bike, go to miracle bike store." I wanna slide freely! Dubz: They're levi-bikes! ... Bert: "Ferly the function of the bike is good. It can walk on all kind of roads!" Dubz: My bike can levitate and walk. ... Dubz: [singing] I want to ride my bicy-fuck, I want to ride my- Bert: "Double quicker folding bike!"
[Bert gets a phone call from "Rocket"] Bert: Rocket's calling! "HJKSDJFBKGFSDFG MS. EGGIE????" Dubz: "BLBBLDBDLDBDFXCVBKMUST WIN-" Bert: I love how there's two different styles of question marks. "Must win in contest, wait you at 35? Questionmarkquestionmark- See you lat- see you-" Dubz: "See you LATTE!" Bert: "Phone call is connecting, merge many Baliy at 35? DI." I don't even know. ... [Bert uses a move called "DUL"] Dubz: This better not be, like, "Shake Leaves!" Game Text: HUSHUZ DULDO Dubz: Duldo? [Bert and Dubz crack up] Bert: What even was it? I was laughing too hard. Dubz: It was like a little pound. Bert: What is going on? Dubz: [laughing] Duldo. Bert: This is getting bad. Dubz: Bag fucking with duldos!
Bert: "It is basement to do preparings before go into the water." Dubz: THIS IS BASEMENT! "This is madness! THIS. IS. BASEMENT!" ... [The enemy trainer is about to send out a Pokemon named Cow] Bert: Cow! Cow Start. [A Wartortle is sent out. Dubz starts laughing.] Bert: WHAT? WHAT? Dubz: That is a cow!
[Bert is fighting a Machoke] Bert: STARE! [Bert uses the move "Stare"; it's not very effective.] Bert: "One Result." That was terrible. Dubz: Did we use st- why in the world would you- Bert: I don't know, I just wanted to try it out, 'cause- look at his face! I just had to stare at it.
Bert: "My elf! 9Be startled, someone in here!" ... Bert: "If so, I'll be as famous as... Wuzhimu Dr.!?" Dubz: I've never heard of him. Bert: Wuzhimu Dr.!? Who is Wuzhimu Dr.?
Episode 33 shows Bert's first phone call from Mke "Mike" Boat:
Bert: "Seeing! Seeing! It is great! To defeated the Yangzu's Machiba. I'm always at the entrance of gymnasium, to give a normal support. But I was afraided by the ghost floating in the air, inside. I'm so unwilling to put down the phone! Good bye!" Dubz: This was such an interesting conversation, since you do not answer. Bert: He's so unwilling to put down the phone, he hung up!
Bert: "Don't you feel mystery of the islands which is surrounded by whirlpools." I do feel quite mystery. Dubz: I feel kinda FEARFUL! Bert: [looking at Qwilfish] "BOAT." I would have laughed completely with that "Fearful" but I was too busy reading "BOAT." [Bert defeats the trainer.] Bert: "You are so STROG." ... [Bert takes the falling shortcut out of the lighthouse] Dubz: Your feet would literally be gone. Bert: I just fell, like, six stories. Dubz: [simulates the noise of falling down repeatedly] "You okay?" "NO!" Bert: At least we're not Shaotanzhiten, we would've brode our waist.
Bert: "Both the intensity and the benevolent give you the budge." Dubz: She's benevolently giving the budge. Bert: "Eggie gain Steel Badge from Juzi." So now it's a badge. "Give you the... Shqilu BUDGE..." ... [Bert gets an item from a tree called Coin.] Bert: We got coins! Money DOES grow on trees! Dubz: It does! Game Text: EGGIE! COIN BAG FUCK Dubz: And apparently it can bring you love too. [Bert gets an item from another tree called Pole.] Bert: What is going on here? Dubz: "Eggie Pole Bag Fuck!" Bert: They're giving us poles and money! Dubz: Eggie's a stripper. [Bert gets another Pole from the third tree.] Bert: Two poles and money. Dubz: Those three trees create exactly what a stripper joint looks like. This is the place to go. Bert: That's where Suicune hangs out on the weekends.
Bert: "Only the boss know the passward of the door." Dubz: Passward. ... Bert: "The door can't be opened it need the password!" They got it right that time. Dubz: Now we have to get a password and a passward. And a budge.
The episode also features more memorable dialogue from Chedr:
Bert: "Didn't I say to destroy Missile Bomb? Dragon?" Dubz: DRAGON? Bert: "My monster couldn't stand up forget it, I am lost. To find the stronger monster again, you must stand to defeat the guy. And I don't like the actors lines." Dubz: What? Bert: "It isn't enough for your love and trust to monsters. You are lost to the block saying pleasant things only get angry as soon as thinking this, yes, our love must become strength!" He's, like, playing out the Chedr role now. "I don't like my lines!"
Bert: [Reading Pryce's dialogue] "The monster, as the people, only lives, something will happen, I had tasted everything I felt sad. Dubz: Aw. Bert: "As your predecessor, I should teach you. Before you were born, I has been together with monsters." Dubz: Work on your English. Bert: "Because we have the spirit not to lose absolutely, whether or no, and we are called 'Wintry Poplar and Willow.' To see my might..." What?
In Episode 39, the game crashes the first two times Bert tries fighting Pryce. The third attempt, however, presents this dialogue:
Bert: "Bullet given by Bet-Boy given by Bet-Boy can use." What? Dubz: Game over, man! Bert: What was that? Dubz: I don't even... Bert: It's the Asian kid who made this. ... Bert: "En! Do well! Having strong believing, any OBSTUCLE will be conquered. Take this BUDGE." Why is it a budge? Dubz: [In a British accent] We've received another budge! Because I passed the obstucle! ... Bert: "Win absolutely." He is determined! Dubz: Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
There's also this part (at the 6:41 mark in the original video).
In Episode 42, Bert fights through a gym with trainers specializing in dragon type Pokemon. One trainer disagrees with this:
Bert: "No one can use dragon type." Dubz: Why is this gym even here? ... Bert: "New Rage to remember!" Wait, why are we learning Rage? What is Rage? Does Gyarados have that? Dubz: Nope. Bert: Then we'll get rid of Yujanote which is the actual move Rage. Dubz: We got rid of Rage for Rage. [starts laughing] Bert: We got rid of Rage... Dubz: And this is the newly improved Rage.
Bert: We need to go get EXP Share. From Elf Grandfather! It's been a while since we've seen Elf Grandfather. Dubz: That's true, it has been a while. Bert: Maybe he's dead now. Dubz: Terrible. Wusiji Dr. wouldn't be too happy. They were good friends. They were only two men to deal with it. ... Bert: I always love this music. [Bert immediately runs into a trainer.] Bert: Thanks, guy, for ruining it. "Who are you come casually. [Dubz cracks up.] Bert: So he must have beat Clair t- I get it. Dubz: "Who are you, come casually!" He beat her with one Pokemon too. And it was a [Dragonair]. Bert: How? How did he manage? Either that, or he just came casually in this cave. ... Bert: What are all these people doing in here? Dubz: How did they get here without Surf? Bert: I thought this was like a, like a sacred- like, look at this! Really? Like, two little kids. "An unknown man!" Dubz: We are a woman! ... Game Text: EGGIE! SPRAYER BAG FUCK Dubz: GROSS!
Then there's the quiz:
Bert: "For the master, how to exist for elfs?" [All of the choices are just question marks. Bert picks a random answer.] Bert: "En, with raason. To win in elf game, what is the important thing?" [One of the choices is "Q4), which Bert picks. The choice is incorrect.] Bert: "Ha! Not clear." Dammit. "Isn't in?"
[The enemy Forretress uses Spikes.] Bert: "Pieces besides feet." [Bert decides to switch Pokemon.] Bert: Time for Steak! Dubz: That's the obvious choice! Bert: When in doubt, Steak. [The Haunter is hurt by Spikes.] Bert: "Steak be hurt." Wha- Dubz: Because of the [Spikes]. Bert: Yeah, because he's- Dubz: Because he has feet! ... Bert: "Steak Kick!" Dubz: With the feet he has! Bert: The feet that he stepped on the pieces [with]. Dubz: It must hurt more. ... [The Forretress remains asleep for 5 turns.] Bert: Dude, this thing. When it goes to sleep, it's like "I'll see you guys in a few years."
Bert: Hey, it's that snowman thing again that everyone told me was "dow" or "doo." Dubz: No, it's a snowman. It's a half snowman. It's what happens when you take a flamethrower to Frosty. Bert: Half of him disappears into a question mark? Dubz: Yeah. In Japanese, a question mark means "puddle." ... Bert: "The fire is too weak." Dubz: It's true. Bert: "Kill it withwater!" ... Dubz: [regarding Dream Eater being called Kick] "He's sleeping, kick him!" ... Bert: "Don't defy death, don't be strong." Fine, we'll just cry in a corner the entire game.
Dubz: Yeah, sell it. Bert: But that's ALL stunts. Dubz: But that's Pointup. Bert: Oh yeah. [Bert sells the Pointup, causing the game to crash.] Dubz: .....NOOOOOOOOOO!!! ... [Bert reloads the save] Dubz: Oh! Oh....
When Bert returns to the shop, he takes a look at some of the item descriptions:
Bert: "Renew all states." We use that, it turns into, like, the Civil War. ... Bert: Coibag: "Only hold can get a landto fish elf" [Beat] [Dubz starts laughing] Bert: "Only hold can get a landto fish elf." That doesn't even make sense.
Sabrina's dialogue causes Bert to take a second look:
Bert: "You come finally you must come, the feeling existed three years ago. Your aim is to want my badge." Dubz: Of course. Bert: "I don't like frighting, it is my first task to passes the badge to a fit man. If you want-" Dubz: WE'RE A WOMAN! Your special WHAT? Bert: "Try my special function." Dubz: THAT'S GROSS! Bert: That entire speech was wrong. Dubz: "Three years ago, I knew you wanted my budge."
Finally, there's the story of the imprecatory bike.
Man: I WILL TELL YOU A SPECIALLY AWFUL STORY A BOY BOUGHT A NEW BIKE WHITH VERY HAPPY AND RIDE IT TO PLAY AT ONCE, I REMEMBERED THE SKY WAS DARK, HE COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING BUT HAPPY TOO. SUDDENLY THE BIKE SPEED BECAME SLOW, THE PEDAL BECAME HEAVY. IF NOT PEDALING, THE BIKE WENT BACK THIS IMPRECATORY BIKE LED THE BOY TO THE HELL.
Bert: "Eating game is played in its eatery. You're full while seeing it." You're full while seeing it. [Bert enters the eatery.] Bert: Yeah, I'm full. ... [After winning a battle.] Bert: "You are so many badges, then why not win?" Dubz: We did w- screw you, lady. Bert: You ARE so many badges!
Bert: [receiving the Super Rod] "Eggie receive Bad Rod." THANKS. "You're so good at fishing, have a Bad Rod!" ... Bert: "Home of the leader of..." [Beat] Dubz: "SHAFALIXIAN." Bert: Is he chafing, or something?
Bert: "A hole with punchy monster." [The NPC's Itemfinder goes off.] Bert: "My dance machine starts to react." Is he playing one of those DDR games while also playing Whack-a-Mole? ... Bert: "You come, as if you have many gymnasium badges of Shangdao. Don't lick with mouth." [Bert and Dubz start laughing, while still being confused.] Dubz: How else am I supposed to lick? ... Bert: I don't even consider this a win, because Steak died. ... Bert: "Eggie gain the Blue from-" We just gained the Blue. We didn't even get a badge.
Bert: "Many Dictator flys from the earth!" ... Bert: "This is the cave of Tiguta." Is that in any way related to Sputa, and does it flow down? ... Bert: "It's Uncle's guard, you sh- you SHULD make good use of it-" Dubz: [in a Russian accent] "You shuld make good use of it, for it's my gold pearl."
In Kanto Episode 10, Bert and Dubz take a look at some of the stuff in the Pokedex:
Bert: Look how heavy [Gastly] is! It's gas! [Bert scrolls down to Haunter.] Bert: Haunter you fat-ass! ... Bert: "Fun." It's a Fun type!
Bert: "Smokused!" ..... I don't know what it did, actually. Dubz: [Joking] It electricuted itself. Bert: It paralyzes itself. "Dammit!" Dubz: "I thought this would work!" ... [Gary Oak seemingly teleports away.] Bert: Wow! Dubz: Where do we get that move? "Eggie used Fly!"
Bert: Now we gotta go through all these Mujefs and the Jellies. It's like "I don't wann listen to your band right now!" ... Bert: It's Magej. He wanted to be with Mujef, but he just couldn't. Dubz: Magej and the Fieries. A rival band.
Bert: I don't know why Gyarados can't learn it, though. Dubz: He's a flying type. Plus we don't have him in here. ... Bert: "Can I drift?" We're gonna drift these waterfalls, man. Price is a drifter, man. Dubz: Yeah, he's one of those people in Tokyo. He's got his cool sunglasses on and his pimped out car. But he's actually really terrible at it, so he starts drifting into the sides of walls and stuff. And the enemy, who is the antagonist of our movie is always winning. But he ends up winning in the end. Bert: Pokemon Viet Crystal: Tokyo Drift.
[They run into a Drowzee.] Dubz: Raikou! Ohh! ...Got you hopes up, didn't I? Bert: Everyone, like, clicked back to the tab, "Awww." Dubz: 'Cause they tabbed out this. Bert: I would. This is bad. This is like a podcast at this point. Dubz: "Dubz, Bert, we no longer are fans because you take to long to find Raikou." Bert: "You guys' RNG sucks, I'm no longer a fan." ... Bert: What if I kick it while it's down. Is it gonna kill it? [Bert uses Kick and kills Entei.] Dubz: [laughing] "Is it gonna kill it?" Bert: Guys, we did it. ... Dubz: He's the oracle! The oracle of Raikou! Bert: The oracle! "Raikou will be upon you by sundown." Dubz: There is no sundown in this game, only night. Bert: Exactly. Dubz: We'll never catch it! Bert: "Ring be magnetic when emit strong currency-" Emit strong currency!? Dude, we need to get- Dubz: We get money. Bert: Profit. Dubz: "I'm gonna pop some tags..." Bert: Guys, this is all we need to do... we just capture Magnemites all day, and it emits currency, and you win!
Episode 1: Dezz shares an anecdote about how he thought the Aku Aku masks were enemies as a kid.
Dezz: Today, you'll see... Mysh: Today, you'll see... Bert: Many deaths. That's in the forecast for today, folks. Dezz: Today, folks, we have many deaths by falling, and, uh, weird Cortex faces. Bert: And weird Cortex faces are staring us down. Dubz: I saw a- [Mysh instantly dies] Dezz: Oh my god! Bert: We're kicking off early this year. [The Game Over screen appears.] Mysh: Remember that time when I got zero lives? Bert: AND WE FORGOT TO SAVE. [Commentary collapses into laughter.] Mysh: I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU TO SAVESTATE! Remember when I told you five times to savestate and you didn't? I told you seven times, and you just, like, totally ignored me. You just talked over me like a loser. Bert: Whoops!
Mysh: They're, like, things that do things. [Crash dies, shouting his signature "WOAH!"] Dezz and Mysh: WOAH! Dubz: Crash was really interested in what Mysh said! Mysh is like, "There are things that do things." "WOAH! I can't even hold all this woah!"
In Episode 11, Mysh makes a spectacular maneuver around the 16:09 mark:
Bert: And if you miss, you hit spikes. There's not even a falling-forever thing. [Mysh falls, but lands on spikes, losing an Aku mask instead of a life.] Mysh: OH, WHAT- Bert: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! [Mysh makes it onto a platform.] Mysh: OH MY GOD! [Everyone starts laughing.] Bert: [still laughing] The mask is like, "I got your back, friend!" Dezz: Oh my God. What? Mysh: I don't even... [Mysh walks off the edge and manages to land on the platform again.] Bert: How do you get back- MYSH NO- [More laughter.] Dezz: Just wait. Bert: Just wait. A platform that's not moving! Dezz: It's like a parent watching like a... recreational baseball game where it's like- [makes the sound of a bat hitting a ball]- goes straight for your kids head, you're like "OHNONONONONONO" then it goes right in- your kid catches it and you're like, "Oh... wow, I'm... I'm glad you caught that, but oh my God! Oh!" Mysh: Gotta let Bert's heart calm down.
In Episode 12, Dezz shows off his "Bat Summoning Dance" (which is just him rapidly tapping the movement keys).
[Dezz dies right after getting a checkpoint, leaving him with only one life left] Dezz: That means I have to do the rest of this perfectly. Bert: You've got this. Dezz: I did this once before, but that one was a- [immediately dies]
There's also the part near the 22:30 mark where Crash cheats death by not getting crushed:
Dezz: [Turns Crash to face the camera] "Hello everyone. I shouldn't be alive today."
[Juan is trying to avoid some electricity.] Bert: Dude, I didn't even see the friggin' electricity. I was like, "why did he run back?" Juan: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? You didn't see the DEATH right there? [Juan backs up to show the electricity; he gets killed by it.] Juan: Oh God! Mysh: He showed you! He made sure you saw the death. Juan: That didn't count. That didn't count at all.
In PVP Part 2, Bert tries to go for what he thinks is a diamondnote it's actually a sapphire, and he ends up almost getting killed by a red slime due to the lag.
In PVP Part 3, the team spends most of the episode just mining and trying to find a way back up, completely disregarding the fact that there is supposed to be a deathmatch going on above them:
Dezz: I don't even think they remember that we're in the game. Dubz: "Good game, bye y'all!" People are getting, like, slowly wiped out, and we're just like, "RACE FOR THE SURFACE!" ... Dubz: Guys, we're gonna get to the surface, and all the NPCs are gonna be gone. Bert: We're gonna get to the surface, and we're gonna be the only ones left!
Later, Dubz starts getting rather careless with throwing glowsticks.
In PVP Part 4, the team's plan to return to the surface goes horribly wrong. Everyone is reduced to laughter within seven minutes.
In CTG Part 1, Bert, Juan and Jack start off very poorly, leading them to think about how much better the other team is doing:
Bert: I can't wait to watch [OdysseyGamez's] side of the video and just see what items they were blessed with. Jack: It will just be like a montage of "Oh my God, like, gold! Oh look! Oh my God!" Bert: "There's just so much gold ore on the surface that I don't even have to mine! It's just in ore form already!" Jack: "It's just flying at me!" Bert: "I can't hold all this gold!" Juan: "There's reverends just giving us stuff!" Bert: "I'm just smelting it into walls and throwing it in my trash 'cause I have nothing else to do!" Juan: They're gonna watch our video and be like "What the heck are they doing?"
[Bert hears someone trying to use a star repeatedly] Bert: I hear mana crystals being used. Jack: Yeah, what the hell? Juan: Mana crystals? Bert: Or whatever that is. What is that!? Jack: How many are they using!? Bert: It's piercing my eardrums! ... Bert: If a tree falls in the middle of a forest, does Dubz have a grenade?
Bert accidentally awards Kipp the title of "Dubz Died".
The four end up winning the game, so the other team spawns a bunch of Twins.
In Chapter 1, Bert finds an ingame ad saying "There's Always Peng!", which causes Mysh to come up with a scenario to use that phrase in:
Mysh: You're in high school. There's a prom date. Peng asks you if you want to go to Turnabout, and you say "No, sorry, I'm going with Jenny." The day of the dance, Jenny calls and says "I have violent stomach flu," and your best friend turns to you and says "Well, there's always Peng!"
Then in Chapter 2, they find writing on a bathroom stall saying "I give great Peng." Their response:
Mysh: Dude, we need to find Peng. We need to rescue Peng. Dubz: No, what we need to do is figure out what sexual act Peng is. Someone wrote if someone was up for Peng in the bathroom. Mysh: It's like you're talking to your lady like, "Hey, how about we, uh, you know... PENG tonight?" Dubz: "You want a man who can Peng well." Mysh: "I want to explore. How about we, uh, try Peng." Dubz: "We'll Peng tonight." Mysh: "Honey, we've tried everything else." "Well, there's always Peng!"
Dubz: [quietly] Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Dubz Space. Bert: [looking at an ad] SUN! Dubz: SUN! Mysh: Sun Cola! [They step out] Hammond: We got two problems- Bert: Of course. Instantly. Dubz: "We have two problems, alright? Two, exactly." Mysh: One step out of the hatch and we're already being given plot points. Dubz: "Number one, I'm sick and tired of thesemotherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. Number two, did he look like a bitch?" Bert: I think the main problem is we didn't even hear what the first two problems were.
Dubz: There's a fly on our screen. I'LL SHOOT IT! ... Mysh: What do you think [Jamal's] relation to Cedric is? Dubz: Jamal is the Alpha Cedric. Mysh: I thought Cedric was the Alpha Cedric! Dubz: No. When we first saw Cedric, he looked at us, and he's like, "This isn't even my final form." ... [Dubz stands in front of a literal Wall of Text.] Bert: Time to read. Mysh: Remember what we said about a hundred percent? Gotta read. Dubz: Wait! "Danger, counter-synch..." Mysh: "Synchronize orbit drill..." Dubz: "Drift- drill- dri- warning, some-" Lots of failure. That's basically what it's saying. Bert: Failure. Failure everywhere. ... Bert: Why would you run? Dubz: 'Cause he's coming after me!There's a fly on the screen! It's just a cinematic! [Dubz rounds a corner and immediately runs into Jamal.] Dubz: It wasn't just a cinematic this time!
Chapter 4 Part 2: During Chapter 4 (Obliteration Imminent), Dubz accidentally saves in a different save slot:
Bert: Wha- What did you do? Mysh: Our obliteration is that much more imminent. Bert: Now there's always going to be an obliteration imminent, just so we know!
Bert: Can I eat this zombie flesh? What will happen? [Bert eats the flesh and gets poisoned.] Bert: Oh God- Dubz: IT WAS A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE! [attacks Bert] Bert: Oh God! Oh God, I'm dying. Eating porkchops, I can't- Dubz: [starts hurling snowballs at Bert] SNOWBALLS! Bert: Dubz, help me! Why would you throw that at me? I'm already poisoned! Dubz: Here, take these! [Dubz starts throwing eggs and hatches a chicken.] Bert: Dubz- a chicken came out! [Dubz starts throwing more snowballs.] Dubz: Snowballs! They're purification snowballs!
Bert: Rotten flesh. My favorite. ... Bert: Cat, we're fighting Dracula! Go away! ... Dubz: We should go ask the Testificates. Bert: To the Testificates! ... Bert: Guys, please explain to me what this spider is doing. It's like his Bat Summoning Dance. ... [Dubz falls down.] Bert: Goodbye, going to fight Dracula without you.
Bert: "Oh, I found an easy way downstairs! You just have to go upstairs to go downstairs." ... Bert: Well, my shit fell exactly on top of your shit, so now there's just a pile of shit. ... Dubz: I just threw my bow at you. What now, vile fiend? ... Bert: I have a compass, and it's pointing at you, so you're clearly Dracula! ... Bert: Oh God, I dropped my sword. My only defense against this spider. Dubz: This particular spider can only be defeated with a sword! Bert: With this one that I dropped. The other ones in my inventory will do nothing!
Juan: Okay, Bert, I hope you're ready to get that thing set up 'cause there's gonna be a giant butt sucker. Bert: A giant butt sucker. Juan: Oh, there he is! Dubz: HE WASN'T LYING! Juan: Ah, nope. Old Rusty never lies! You gotta hit him in the butt! That's why he's called a butt sucker!
Dubz: See, now, if I was here, things- well... Juan: Things would seem a little more FriendlyFire-ish. Dubz: But you know what? The important thing is, the word "friendly" was used. Bert: It was friendly fire, it wasn't- Juan: At least we're being shot by a friend.
YouTube user owlstrategies offers an explanation for what is happening in the game:
owlstrategies: None of these aliens really exist. This all takes place in Ol' Rusty's dreams, the dreams of an exhausted old 'Nam veteran, who sees twisted fragments of the war in his mind every night in his sleep. Except that the enemies are now clawed, more vicious and spew toxic explosive bombs, and Ol' Rusty's two comrades and longtime favorite friends, Bert 'n Dubs, are still with him in the battlefieldnote Bert was tragically killed by Dubs's friendly fire in combat. Dubs got lost.
Bert: [Mysh] may have cleared his mad from Crash 1, but it's back in Crash 2, everyone. Dezz: "Crash 2: Mysh's-" Juan: "This Summer, only one man can cure the mad." "Mysh is mad right now!" "One man better watch his back." "Mysh, get down!" Dezz: "I CAN'T. I'M TOO MAD." Juan: "Mysh is coming back-" "You need to get out of here!" "-with a vengeance." Dezz: "Mysh, you need to save that orphanarium!" "I CAN'T. I'M TOO MAD." Bert: Not yet rated by the ESRB. Dezz: "But Mysh, you're gonna kill everyone!" "Too bad, oh so mad." Juan: "Mysh Mad, featuring Mysh-" Dezz: "And his madness. Mad as Jonald Schwarzenegger." "Hallo!" Juan: Jonald Schwarzenegger? Dezz: It's his brother. "Hallo, I am Mysh's madness! I am inside of you right now! And you, hello there!" Bert: This is a long movie trailer, by the way. Dezz: It's like the entire movie is a trailer. Juan: Some of the best movies have the longest trailers, thank you very much. Dezz: Mysh, it's an experimental movie. The entire thing's a trailer.
Bert: Juan's gonna get fucked on this right here. [Juan makes the jump and finds a silver gem] Juan: Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over my silver gem! Dezz: Oh my god! Juan: This is my third one, just so you know. Every time I've played I've gotten a silver gem. You need to do me a favor and- Bert: Don't you have any colored gems? You just have desaturated pieces of shit! Juan: You're just mad because I'm just worth so much! Bert: I have two grays, three pinks, AND a red! Red's the color of your fucking blood!
Bert: I'm starting to think the boxes don't matter. Juan: They totally- what- Mysh: Why would you- Dezz: Blasphemy! Bert: Because, think about it from a home... Juan: Okay, alright, let's think about this ridiculous theory quick, and then we'll just shoot him down.
Dezz: Hey guys, welcome back to Crash Bandicoot with, uh, Mysh, Bert, Dezz and Dubz. ...I mean- Juan: Oh my God!Leaving! Leaving! Mysh: The spirit of Dubz is with us. Juan: Leaving! Mysh: Juan is not- Juan has left the room! ... Bert: Dude, this is not that hard! Mysh, why- It's always you that makes this editing so goddamn difficult! ... Bert: Juan, come back! ... Bert: Future Bert is literally texting Mysh right now telling him how much he hates him. Mysh: Future Bert is texting Future Mysh? Bert: Dezz is, like, dying over here! [Mysh presumably dies again.] Bert: Mysh! Please! Mysh: I- I can't get my- I- Bert: Dezz! Mysh: I don't understand these controls! Bert: Dezz is literally dying right now! Mysh: Well, Juan has left the room, and Dezz is incapacitated.
The rest of the video is also funny as well.
Mysh: Can you explain how I'm drowning in concrete? ... Bert: Please, warp room and just- Unbearable. It is more bearable than this despite the name.
Bert: In 3, 2, 1- Mysh: Did you just flick me off? Dezz: Oh ho ho ho- Mysh: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- [Dezz harmonizes with Mysh.] Mysh: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- Welcome to DC! We're playing Crash Bandicoot, my least favorite game ever! Let's go! ... Juan: Now I gotta go get my burnt hashbrowns. Bert: Those hashbrowns have been in the oven for quite some time, viewers. He was making those LAST episode. ... Bert: Oh hi, Dubz! Are you the replacement for Juan? Mysh: Welcome to DC! Here's Dubz. Playing Crash Bandicoot- no he's not. Bert: I'm playing Crash Bandicoot! Mysh: I know, but, like, Dubz is suddenly joining us. Dubz: In mid-jump, we've switched controllers. ... Bert: I exhaled on the controller, and I moved off the ledge! ... [Bert falls off right before getting a gem.] Bert and Mysh: OH MY GOD! Juan: Wow. [The screen doesn't fade to black, indicating Crash is still alive.] Dezz: Wait, Bert! Bert: WAIT, WHERE AM I!? I don't even wanna move, I just wanna look at this screen. What is going on with this game? Juan: This is why DC can never have nice things. ... Bert: Present Bert is making editing on Future Bert during this bonus level quite easy! Caption: Thanks Past Bert! ... Juan: You had so much time, I made ANOTHER batch of hashbrowns, dude.
Dezz: The advanced Crashanomics here. "Don't forget to do the L-cancel and split-bah-gab-er." Mysh: [laughing] Splitbahgaber! [Juan fails to reach a platform the normal way] Mysh: Now ya done it. Bert: Wait! Juan: I wonder... [Juan manages to make it to the platform a different way] Mysh: WOAAAAH! Bert: This guy... Juan and Mysh: Advanced Crashanomics! Dezz: We can agree, that was the bahgaber. We just accomplished the bahgaber! ... Juan: If you're not doin' it right, what are you doin'? Dezz: [Doin'] it left. Juan: I suppose you're right. ... Bert: What if no box gem? Juan: [near the end of the level] I swear to god if it's 56 out of 57 [boxes], I'm gonna shoot a brick. [the box counter shows 56/58] Dezz: [laughing] Oh my God! Mysh: Well, you're not- technically... Juan: [pauses the game while Crash is looking down] Look at that. My face right there. See Crash's face right there? That's my face. ... Juan: This is the only episode where I didn't get a gem. Mysh: Welcome to the club.
[Mysh accidentally goes down the elevator instead of up to the boss.] Bert: You went down, bro. Mysh: Even Crash is confused, like, "Wait a second..." Dezz: He's like, "Wait, I went up- down- I- [stuttering]" Mysh: He's gonna get too dizzy to play this. ... [Mysh accidentally goes down the elevator a second time.] Mysh: I keep on hitting up, and it's like, "Okay, I'll just walk forward a step, then I'll go down." Bert: Jesus, dude. We can't even get to the boss, it's that hard. Dezz: This is part of the boss fight. Mysh: Every jump is an adventure! Bert: But we're not even jumping! ... Bert: Alright, let's go up this time. [Mysh accidentally goes down the elevator A THIRD TIME.] Mysh: You see what I'm doing, though? I'm like, "UP, okay, now let me recenter on this stage- 'DOWN.' Come on!" Bert: Crash - It's Hard.
Dezz: I've been in a Warcraft3 mood all day. Mysh: I've never been in a Warcraft 3 mood. Juan: Dude, save it up for the stream, 'cause we're gonna play World of Warcraft. Bert: Bottle it up right now. Bottle up those feelings, Dezz. Crash gets crushed by a trap, waddles around. Dezz: I bottled them, guys!
The perfectly harmonized "Yaaaaaaaay" after faceplanting on some boxes.
Bert takes a look at Juan's phone alarms:
[Juan's alarm goes off.] Bert: Juan, you gotta get off for work, man. Juan: Yeah, thanks. I gotta shut my alarm off. Bert: Yeah. Dezz: I thought that was the nitro! Bert: He has, like, six alarms set, dude... Oh my God, dude! Look at this! You know you can delete- [Mysh starts laughing.] Bert: You can delete alarms, you know, like- What am I looking at? Dezz: I just watched- Bert just flicked his thumb, like, six times and there was more alarms. ... Juan: Is that my alarm again? Bert: Yeah. I thought I turned them off, but you had a thousand, so I missed a few. Juan: I like to make sure I'm up for work!
[The game freezes up.] Bert: Oh my God, what just happened? [Mysh cracks up.] Juan: You froze it. Bert: Juan- Juan: You fucking bastard. Bert: This level- Juan: You killed it. Bert: Hopefully that's notForeshadowing.
[They come across a large amount of boxes.] Bert: Oh my- Juan: Get them. Get all of the boxes. Bert: It's clean. [Dezz accidentally reveals a TNT box. Everyone cracks up.] Bert: Just like those hookers in Singapore, man. Just when you think they're clean... ... Bert: Oh, it even tells you. Look, there's an apple like, "This one's a TNT. Come belly-flop me!" Mysh: "I require a belly to feel!" Juan: Let's not say things we can't take back, guys. Bert: 9/11 was an inside job.
Dezz: Juan, there is dick potential for this level. Juan: There is dick potential for this level. [The game locks up.] Juan: There's also freeze potential for this level. Dezz: The potential was too great! ... Mysh: I can imagine, like, right before this, it's like "Oh my gosh, Crash is coming! Quick! Everyone, light your sparklers!" Bert: "Sparklers! Hey, Crash, we missed you! Yeah! Wooo-AAAUUUGGGHHHH!" ... [Juan starts speeding through part of the level.] Bert: I was kidding! It wasn't actually timed! Jesus Christ, dude! Mysh: This bus cannot go under 40 miles per hour! ... Bert: So you're gonna have to go, like... a little bit delayed. [The game lags as Juan tries to jump. He manages to recover.] Mysh: Did you say "delayed?"
[The game locks up while Crash blinks.] Juan: So, uh, Bert, what are you doing right now? Bert: I'm... Dezz: Freezing. Bert: Closing my eyes. Sometimes I just like to take a nap before I go.
Dezz brings up the awesomeness of the name "Bert Casual":
Mysh: "This Sunday at the Civic Center! Bert Casual coming to you!" ... Dezz: "WEAR YOUR casual CLOTHES! AND GET IN FOR casual AMOUNTS OF MONEY!" Juan: "You can even bring other countries' money! Euros? We got it! Pesos? You name it!" ... Mysh: What would Casual Bert look like? Bert in just, like, casual clothes like a T-shirt and jeans. Dezz: A T-shirt, maybe even sweatpants. He's just like, "Hey guys." Bert: It would have to be sweatpants. Mysh: Tennis shoes? Bert: Sweatpants and running shoes. Juan: And a beard! Mysh: Okay, okay, now we're going into, like, neckbeard status. We're talking about this "Casual Bert." Dezz: Neckbeard Bert. Mysh: How many different versions of Bert are there? There's Paranoid Bert, there's Regular Bert... Dezz: Paranoid Casual Bert. Bert: Scumbag Bert. Mysh: There's SlenderBert. Bert: Scumbag Casual Bert. ... Bert: Guys, I'm actually kind of scared right now. Juan: You should be. You're on Scare Tactics. Mysh: "This week on Scare Tactics: Casual Bert!" Dezz: "Casual Sewer Table Bert!" ... Juan: Let me get this straight, did you say "Casual Mysh Per-Sewer Bert Table?"
Bert: What's it like not being flawless? Oh wait, what's it like being flawless? Dezz: I don't know. I'm not in that club. Bert: Wait, I did have it right the first time. Shit.
In Episode 19, Mysh becomes perplexed by Bert's skills:
Mysh: What kind of magic? Like, how are you controlling it? Bert: 'Cause I actually have hand-eye coordination. Juan: "Well, ya see, the defender-" Bert: Mysh is, like, looking at my controller, like, "Did he change the controls?"
Bert plows through Rock It, only to have some trouble getting the crystal.
Episode 20: Dezz has to get through the level in a short amount of time in order to get a gem. The gem is in sight with only a few seconds left... and the game locks up right before Dezz nabs the gem.
Juan: Bert, let's make a bet. Bert: What? Juan: If I can do this in three tries, you will... make me a pair of moccasins. Dezz: A pair of moccasins? Bert: I don't know how to craft those. Juan: Learn. Dezz: Learn. In a Batman-esque quest across the world. ... Juan: Bert, you owe me a pair of moccasins. That's my third try. Bert: Was it really? Juan: Yeah. You owe me a pair of moccasins. I expect you to go on a Batman-esque journey right now. To make my moccasins. Bert: Skip work, just leave. Alright, guys, there will be no DC videos for five years.
After Bert tries to quit to the warp room from the warp room, costing them all their progress...
Dezz: What have you fucking done, you son of a bitch? Juan: You are the definite niggest who could ever nig. We just talked about how I just goofed? What the fuck is this? Bert: That concludes today's recording, gentlemen. Juan: WHAT THE FUCK... DID YOU DO? Bert: What have I done? Why didn't we save? Juan: You fucking! Mysh: Oh my God... Bert: What have we done? Why didn't anyone stop me? You let this happen It's happening! ... This demo is an analogy of this Let's Play
Mysh: If he was dead, wha- wh- why would we have to go do anything? Dubz: Umm... Oh are we doing this for him? Mysh: Uhh partially. But we also just- there's a lot of weird stuff happening- in nowhere, and it's up to Courage- Together: To save his new home!
In Episode 7, Dubz and Mysh comment on an odd picture of Ferazel warming his hands over a fire as a raven watches:
Dubz: Dude, that crow is like, "Ferazel... NEVERMORE!" Mysh: And Ferazel's like, "Am I kawaii? Uguu?" Dubz: "Uguu? Desu des- AGGHHH MY FINGERS!"
Bert: Dude, it's N. Gin! He's resorted to a gas station manager. Juan: Manager, or owner? Dezz: "Crash, help me gather the gems so I can use them for oil!"
Episode 7: Bert's reaction upon starting the secret level is hilarious.
Dezz: What is forcing these bombs to move such as this? Bert: Them currents, man. Mysh: Midichlorians. ... Bert: Mysh, I just don't understand how you cannot like the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. Mysh: Like this: I don't like it. ... Bert: I think the bonus still counts. Dezz: Yeah, it counts. You don't redo bonuses. Bert: "You don't redo do bonuses once you've beaten them. God. Have you even played the first two Crash games?" Mysh: "This game is exactly like them, except it's not." Bert: "My name's Mysh, and I hate-" Mysh: SHUT UP BERT! I'M AGREEING WITH YOU! [Mysh dies.] Bert: Mysh! Mysh: That was to spite you. Bert: Tell that to your death count. Mysh: "My name's Bert, but I'm actually saying my name's Caleb Myszka so I can say that I don't like this music, and somehow doing this makes him sound like a bad person, this is the lowest form of argumentation, because I'm not even insulting him directly, I'm just talking in a low voice that is- [cracks up]- supposed to be the noise of a soundly unintelligent person." ... Dezz: It's so hot in here! Mysh: It is very hot in here. Dezz: It's like I'm sweating on my sweat. Juan: Dude, you have a sweatshirt on. Don't even complain right now. Mysh: Okay, okay, Dezz started it! I was simply agreeing with him. No matter what I do I- Bert: Let's talk about the lowest form of argumentation. "Dezz started it!"
The Pokemon Green livestream had many funny moments.
Bert: "Has a green skin and exuviates several times and then vomits out silk to build a cocoon before becoming an adult." Dezz: "Son, the path to adulthood is through this." ... Bert: "THE EFFECT IS EXTREMELY GOOD!" ... Bert: Yeah, but having both a Bean and a Catap is kind of a trap. And I didn't mean to rhyme that. ... Bert: "What was Brock's name?" Implying he had one name? He had, like, ten. ... Bert: "Ekans the chain smoker◊" ... Dubz: [reading chat] "MENTLEGEN" Bert: Look at all these trainers! This is ridiculous! Dezz: Look at this! They're just waiting. Bert: What is the status of our pets? Dubz: "Slendergen!" Bert: "What about? You fellowyou didn't wear your shorts, did you?" Dezz: Oh, my goodness! Dubz: It's another one! Bert: Why- what's with the shorts!? Dubz: [laughing] "Gentleslend" ... Bert: How is this level fourte- how? I'm mean, we're a bit- this is like a gym leader battle! Dezz: "Gym Leader No-Shorts!" Bert: This kid with shorts! Adam: You know that's a picture now, right? "Gym Leader No-shorts." ... Bert: Can't you be gentle and soft to girls?" Dubz: What? Dezz: Well, considering you're the Slenderman, I don't think you can. ... Bert: "Slenderskirt◊." Oh God. "Does this miniskirt make me look less slender?" "You should try my shorts!" ... Bert: "It is the weakest and face-losing monster in the world because of his poor force and poor speed." Aw. This game hates Carps! ... Dubz: "IS THAT A GURL? NO WAY!" Bert: Actually, guys, actually it's a gir.
Paperboy 2 Part 1: Much of the humor comes from Bert ranting about the insane neighborhood of the game.
Bert: What is this guy living in? Like- [Dezz gets hit.] Dezz: What a jerk. What a jerk. Bert: ...a crack dealer's shack? [A runaway baby carriage goes by.] Bert: And why are there babies flying do- what is going on in this town? The driver's like "WREEEEEEEEEE", there are babies flying down the street, people living in, like, crack houses and... a person mowing their lawn BACKWARDS. ... Bert: Let's tally this up. We've got shooting gargoyles- Dubz: We've got monsters that reach out of storm drains. Bert: I didn't see that one. There' babies running down the street in strollers with no mother, grandparents swinging at Mach 10- you just clubbed the grandfather in the face with the paper! Dubz: We clubbed someone with a car, too! Bert: There's cars zig-zagging all over the street. Dubz: People with gravestones in their yards. Bert: Dogs running rampant in the middle of an intersection. We have cra- there's a guy with a gun robbing a store! ... Bert: We have houses going into foreclosure. Next to a crack dealers shack. Like, look at this place. Dubz: It looks more like a place where al-Qaeda would stay. ... Bert: Who roasts a pig on their front lawn? ... [Dezz narrowly misses a truck.] Dubz: Lex has finally failed! [Dezz is killed by monster truck.] Dezz: Who does that!? Dubz: Lex. He upgraded.
Theirlivestream of the Carmageddon mod for Grand Theft Auto IV is full of hilarious moments due to the fact that all of the cars in the game have gone haywire. What makes it funnier, however, is that there were people saying May 21 2011 (which happened to be the date the livestream took place on) was supposed to be the rapture.
Bert: "Get out the way! The rapture is here!" Dezz: This guy knows it! Dubz: That guy's just doing random pushups in the middle of the road. [They come across a car stuck in an odd place.] Bert: What happened here? Dezz: "This is my, uh, ornamental car." Bert: There's a guy in it. Dezz: "Hey, man, why ain't I going anywhere?" ... Dubz: Can you become invisible? Bert: Yeah, I can just become invisible. What would that do? It's not like the cars are after me, it's they're flying around in random directions.
[A scare chord plays, but Slenderman is not seen.] Bert: What the hell? Now the music's just going- [They see Slenderman slide across the ground.] Bert: WHAT THE- [starts laughing] Dubz: I don't want it! I don't want it! Bert: He's like, "You didn't see me? Here- *SHING!* There you go!"
Juan: [To Bert] Son, you need to calm down right now! ... Dubz: [reading the instructions] "Lean Handcar-" [laughs] Bert's having a little trouble. "Repeatedly speed up, and press B to heal Bert's stomach!" ... [Bert gets up and leaves.] Dubz: But you're my teammate! I can't do shit without you! "Somewhere, deep down in my heart, I still love you!" Bert: It hurts so bad, dude, oh my god! Dubz: "WAAAAAAHH" Mysh: See, that's Bert's kryptonite. He's, like, crawling, trying to get away. Dubz: "...Somewhere, deep down in my heart..." Bert: [from another room] SHUT UP! ... Bert: Look at this! Look at this! Look at this! [turns to the camera] LOOK AT THIS! Dubz: Look at it! Look at it! It's ugly! Bert: "So THESE are the DC Avengers." ... Dubz: NO WAY! YOU WERE IN THE LEAD THE ENTIRE TIME! YOU SLACKER! This is what you get! Bert: I'm wounded! Dubz: You cried way too long, and now I have to pay the landlord your rent because you failed! Bert: "THEN THERE'S NO TIME TO BRAKE!"
Bert: I'm the captain of this ship, the S.S.- or, actually it's the Draught Train now. Sorry, I got recommissioned from the S.S. Rustle. I'm new here. ... Bert: Aw, we could've bought a slave. Dubz: Aw. If only we had more scrap. Bert: We'll attack them, then. Maybe they'll give us one. Dubz: [laughing] You just- "We'll attack them, then." Bert: Yeah. Dubz: "That seems right." Bert: That's what chat would've done, right chat? ... Bert: Drone's like, "Oh no! Can't be controlled!" Dubz: "Help guys! Uh, oh, hey I got back." Bert: "Guys, help me!" Dubz: "Guys! I'm just a lonely drone with nothing to prove." ... Dubz: "Okay, Captain! Don't worry!" "Hey, Hutz, how you doing up there?" "Can't talk now! I'm taking out a ship!" Bert: "Don't worry, Captain! The noodles are almost ready!" ... Bert: We took a hit, Captain! Dubz: You're the captain. You just talked to yourself. "Captain's going mad! Eat him!" Bert: That's the first thing Rynhart thinks, just "Captain's going mad! We gotta eat him!" ... Dubz: Kipp's got one hand on the weapons, one hand stirring the noodles!
Super Amazing Wagon Adventure: The game provides many funny and random moments, most notably the unicorn ambush and Adam's mushroom hallucination.
Bert: "How do I die and pick a new character?" "You just go to the doctor's office and have a heart attack!" ... Dezz: There's a pursesnatcher! Bert: Are you male? Dezz: Yeah! Bert: Ha! Why are you carrying a purse? Dezz: I don't know! Why is he snatching it? Bert: Because you're wearing it, man! I'd snatch your purse. ... Dezz: "Sorry, but this job is available to girls and women only. We don't pinch men's asses around here. Try coming back at gay hour." Bert: There's a gay hour? ... Dubz: I can help implant embryos! ... Bert: Mysh is serving beer at a bar during a riot and there's just a hundred people at the counter punching Mysh.
Dubz accidentally suicide bombs a church with a NASA satellite controller he bought at a garage sale.
Dubz: I just killed myself. And Daniel. Bert: This is a holy place! ... Bert: Why would you satellite a church? Dubz! Dubz: I didn't know the satellite would cause an airstrike. Dezz: Dubz died on my wedding.
During the last ten minutes of the video, Bert finds an epic dance party and decides to get wasted.
Bert: Dude, this dance party's too intense! I'm getting tired, and it's starting to affect my health! ... Mysh: Scumbag Bert - doesn't even notice until after- Bert: I'M WASTED!
Bert: [Bowser] lands on a Bowser Space. Dezz: He gets his own stars taken. ... Dezz: I'm the only one who fully contributed, you lazy fucks. ... Bert: [Reading chat] "Peach playing hard to get." ... Mysh: Look at Anigorn trying to spell my name. Sam: He's closer than most people have gotten. Mysh: Oh wait, he actually got it right. Sam: That's a lot closer than most people have gotten, then. "Look at him try- oh." Bert: "Look at Anigorn trying to spell my name! Oh, he got it right." ... Bert: We have to block out Mario, guys. Sam: Subs will block out the Mario. ... Bert: "Ha! Bert, you fell for it! Now it helps all of us! We used your lack of knowledge for this map to fool you! Get tricked!" ... [The battle Goomba comes in for a duel.] Bert: "BUM-BADA-DUN-DUN-DUN!" [The battle Goomba leaves because there are not enough coins.] Sam: He parachutes back up. That's how uninterested he was. Bert: Just- "BUM-BADA-DUM-BUM-aw, shit." ... Bert: Thanks, Cynical Sam! I love Communism! ... [The battle Goomba comes back again right after a duel.] Bert: "BUM-BADA-BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM!" Dubz: Didn't even give me an- Bert: This guy's like, "You motherfuckers!"
Mysh constantly spams Peach's "YEAH!" taunt, both annoying everyone and leading them to think interesting thoughts when Peach and Yoshi share the same space:
Bert: They're on the same space again! [Mario passes them.] Bert: Mario wants to get a good view of the action. [The minigame screen appears.] Sam: Chat, just take in the joy of the lack of Peach screaming. Bert: Sounds good. ... Bert: [Reading chat] "Someone punch Mysh." ... Sam: [Reading chat] "Oh god, even after Peach quit I STILL HEAR IT." ... Bert: [Reading chat] "I've actually grown fond of Peach's "yeahs"
The Mecha-Marathon game is also hilarious:
Bert: You're all fucking trash. Every last one of you. ... Dezz: Nononononono, nononono, Green, no! C'mon, buddy! Bert: This is nuts! ... Dubz: What is Purple doing? Purple beat the all time record! Oh, he's STILL GOING OH PURPLE!
Bella Farts: A segment from an older livestream where Dubz's dog farted the most smelly fart ever:
Bert: Did the dog, like, superglue on you? Dezz- OH MY GOD, THAT SMELLS TERRIBLE! [Muffled laughs can be heard from Bert and Dubz.] Dezz: Dubz, I think your dog is dying! Through its butt!
Dezz: My Zs are better! ... [Bert messes up seven times in one round of Clefairy Says.] Dubz: You want to get any more wrong, friend? ... Bert: Yes! Dubz: You tied with Dezz. Bert: SCREW YOU! ... [Someone pauses during Dig! Dig! Dig!] Bert: Jeeze, who was button mashing that hard? ... [They get a draw in Snore Wars.] Dezz: What? Bert: What? [Dezz starts laughing.] Bert: WHAT!? Mysh: "Nobody Won!"
Also, each member has a specific minigame that he excels at. For Dezz, it's Clefairy Says:
[Dezz picks Clefairy Says.] Dezz: Fuckers. Bert: Goddammit. Dezz: I gotta have a comeback. ... Bert: Have your win, man. Have your win.
Though he has a rocky start, Mysh becomes so good at Rock Harden that the others often resort to just letting him win.
Mysh: Suddenly, Mysh is amazing.
Dubz seems to be the only one who is (somewhat) competent at Ekans Hoop Hurl:
Bert: Yeah, Dubz is already at fucking four!
Finally, Bert excels at Magikarp's Splash:
Bert: My fucking Magikarp is, like, instant response, dude! This guy's a motherfucking Gyarados in disguise! ... Bert: That's the only game keeping me in this! I have four wins from that! ... [Bert is given the choice of the next game.] Bert: Can you say Magikarp? Dubz: Magikarp! Oh wait...
Dubz and Mysh Play - Poleriders: Dubz and Mysh have an absolute blast playing a QWOP-like game they find from a livestream suggestion, but the best laughs come in at the 16:30 mark.
Bert: Juan, [your hearts] fell out of you and fell right back into you. Jesus Christ. Juan has nine, guys. ATTACK HIM! [Everyone starts ganging up on Juan.] ... Dezz: [Still without a single win] Don't worry guys. I'll continue to roll. ... Bert: We're fucking professional counters.
They take account of the various names given during Pokemon Stadium 2:
Bert: I'm Clefsor. ... Bert: Donpom! Adam: Donforst! ... Bert: Topermot! Beat that name! ... Bert: Hold on, look at these names. Dezz: Gepigop. Adam: Ogetip! Juan: Togetson! Bert: It looks like "To Get Some". ... Bert: Pichup! ... Bert: Igglue! ... Bert: I'm Birdiot! My name's Birdiot.
Bert and Dezz's game of Super Mario Bros. 3 goes fairly smooth until Mysh accidentally touches the video cord:
[The video becomes messed up.] Bert: Uh oh. Mysh- Mysh: I touched it with my toenail, and the heart attack flowed through it! Bert: Mysh: The Destroyer of All Things Good. Dezz: I almost had a third flute, and we could've beaten the game!
Much of the time is spent playing Bootleg Gold #1 (also called HongKong Gold), which is full of many fun translations:
Bert: "Hi! HAO, my husband- my husBAN has told me all about you." Dezz: How? We just started! Adam: We haven't done anything! Bert: We're already famous. It's that easy. Adam: "Pupupin." [Everyone cracks up.] Bert: "It is so cute and cuddly." Yeah, I'm sure it is. ... Bert: "Pokemon will app at night." Dude, they bust out their apps! ... Bert: "Here you can he your Pokemon and trde friends." Dezz: You can trde your friends, friends. Bert: "This is a Pokemon Mart where you can." Oh. Oh! Okay! "This is ROUTE 30-" they got that one right "-lead north." "This is the... you need Surf." Like, what is it? I don't know! Dezz: "This is theeeeeeeeeeeeyou need Surf." Bert: You can what? We need to know! "Well, I line nouse." What? Dezz: "I line nouse?" Bert: He's got a noose! Dezz: Oh no! Bert: He's lined the noose!
Professor Oak's speech at Mr. Pokemon's house contains much questionable dialogue.
Dezz: He's just throwing words at us, man. ... Bert: We got the wish meat! ... Dezz: I don't know what you're saying!
Dezz examines a tree and is astounded upon finding coffee.
[Oak appears as a brown block.] Bert: WHAT. Adam: "I am Oak!" Bert: It's different! Adam: "People call me the... Poke-" He's changed colors! Bert: "OAK IS BRICK." ... Bert: I think this is as deep as it goes. [The music suddenly stops.] Bert: Uh oh. Just kidding, we're going deeper! Mysh: It's gonna, like, form into an actual picture, something completely different. ... [Mysh chooses an option on the computer. All of the choices are "kkkkkkkkkkk" and other nonsense.] Bert: What are we looking at? [The game shows a screen with some odd patterns on it.] Bert: What? Dezz: "KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK" Adam: What have you done? Dezz: Mysh, you've delved too deep. This is the bottom of the hole. Bert: We've reached the bottom, guys. Dezz: "The Klu Klu Klu Klu Klu Klu Klu Klux Klan." ... Bert: "The bottom is racism?" Adam: "I left for a few minutes. What the hell happened!? Dezz: "Oddish is at the bottom of the hole." Adam: "ODDISH IS SATAN." Bert: "You cannot escape the racism." ... [Bert decides to save and is met with a messed up map.] Mysh: We just dropped down, like, five levels. Bert: I can't move! Can't turn the body! "Toys in bay define kay!" No! Dezz: That's all you can see for the rest of your life. Bert: I'll save it again. It's the only way out! Dezz: It's the only way. Bert: Too deep! Too deep! [Bert saves again.] Bert: "Windows! No." Dezz: Apparently Steve Jobs is with us. [The game locks up.] Bert: Windows No! Windows, what have you done? Mysh: It's telling you to close the window! Bert: I need to close the window to dig deeper! Dezz: Microsoft, what have you done? ... Bert: Christmas! Mysh: What is that? It's like a bunch of little claws! Bert: Dude, it's Satanic symbols! Mysh, are you frozen? Mysh: Yeah, I can't do anything! ... [Mysh uses a move that somehow puts his Pokemon to sleep.] Mysh: WHAT? Adam: What kind of move is that? [The Pokemon gains a massive life bar that begins rapidly draining.] Bert: WE'RE SLEEPING! Mysh: What the hell is this!?
Their reaction to accidentally finding the printer screen is also priceless.
Bert questions the scariness of an open bottle of ketchup on the map:
Bert: Who designed this map, and goes, "You know what we need? We need spooky. You know what's spooky?" Dubz: "A bottle of ketchup." Bert: "Open bottles of ketchup on the floor."
Who wins the map? No one. The cartridge is accidentally bumped with 13 turns left.
Dubz: Together, we can change! [The game starts glitching up.] Dubz: ...Apparently we can't change. Bert: Did you touch the N64 at all?Thanks, Obama.
Even better is when Mysh tries to fix it, but ends up making it sound even worse:
Mysh: Look! It's a wild Missingno! [The sound stops completely.] Mysh: Aw, you ruined my joke.
At the end, Mysh claims that Dubz somehow earned his stars through dishonest means.
Week 1: Bert and Dezz's entire anecdote about how they met is hilarious:
Dezz: I was like, "This is what it's like to live in the ghetto."
Week 3: Two thirds into the video, part of the background falls off and nearly hits Bert, causing the crew to be extra jumpy during the rest of the video.
At the end is an outtake of Dezz knocking the camera out of place.
Week 4: Dezz finds himself in one of Adam's drawings:
Adam: You went down with the ship. Dezz: Why did I go down with the ship? Adam: I don't know, you decided to be a hero or something. Dezz: Why am I saluting? Adam: I- I don't really- you weren't on the ship to begin with. I think you just said, "Hey where am I?" so I put you saluting going down with the ship.
Bert talks about drawing himself and his friends facing their worst fears. Juan's greatest fear? The Sith take over.
Mario Kart Double Dash Part 2: Highlights include Adam accidentally blowing up everyone (including himself) less than 5 seconds after the race starts on Waluigi Stadium, and Adam being seemingly trolled by the game near the end of Bowser's Castle.
Bert: Dude, just kick the ball in there, man. C'mon, look at this kid, he's terrible! He has no idea what he's doing. He's using a Jenga block to guard the goal! ... Dubz: And, KICK! [completely misses the ball] ... Bert: "Yes, I scaled that wall." ... Dubz: I'm in the fridge! Bert: "Looks like we're havin' octopus for dinner!" ... Bert: "Honey, I'm stuck in the door!"
Bert: On the agenda, but not limited to... Dubz: Now we're a warning label. Bert: Diabetes, heart disease, liver cancer, stomach failure, heart failure... ... Dubz: Shut up and give us our money! ...No, I actually got it, though- Bert: Yeah, give us OUR money, you fucking thieves! ... Bert: Dubz! We're giving him away to you! He's yours! Take him, we don't want him! ... Dubz: TELL YOUR FRIENDS! HOPE TO SEE YOU LATER! Woke up everyone in the block!
Bert: No Volcano Bakemeat, Mom? I told you it was my last day here! "Sorry, honey!" Dubz: "Noodles! Sorry!" ... Bert: "Mr. POKeMON lives near CHERRYGROVE-" Why do they always have to capitalize things? Dubz: CHERRYGROVE! POK-e-MON! ... Bert: "There are only two of us, so we're always busy." Well, hire some more Goddamn employees! ... Bert: Screw you, Baayzel! I mean Hoppip. Dubz: "Screw you, Baayzel, you fucking... our Pokemon!" ... Bert: That's Leer? That's Leer? Just, "Sprinkle some cinnamon on you."
Space Funeral: Dubz provides a voice for Philip, which basically amounts to sobbing as he walks.
Bert: "It says 'EXPECT THE WORST.' What a bad letter". Dubz: What a bad letter. ... Dubz: "You cringing pus! Join me or die! There is no other way!" Leg Horse suddenly joins Philip's party. Dubz: He's says "join me or die". It's like "alright!" ... Bert: "There is no return from Blood Cavern. You'd better go prepared. I'm just saying. Dubz: He's just Goku. ... Bert: My MUSCULAR FORM allows me to CRUSH BUGS AND MICE. ... Bert: Lions have a special LION CODE. We use it to HUNT PREY and BUY STOCKS.
Dubz: "What do you do Dracula?" Bert: "I am DRACULA." Dubz: "What do you do Dracula?" Bert: "I like to drink the blood." Dubz: "Anything else?" Bert: "Well..." Dubz: "Do you like to smoke weed? Bert: "Yes! Ha ha ha! Very good! Yes!" Dubz: "What do you do Dracula?" Bert: "I like to drink blood... and smoke the weed!" Dubz: "That's SUPER!" Bert: "Ha ha ha! I am DRACULA!" Dubz: What the fuck just happened? Bert: What kind of conversation was just had?
Dubz: Welcome to DarbleCinnamon. Mysh: It's a breakfast cereal. DarbleCinnamon! Dubz: It's more than good. It's a breakfast cereal. Who lives in the middle of nowhere! Bert: With her husband, Eustace Mysh! But creepy stuff always happens in Juan's room. It's up to Bert to save his new Dubz! Mysh: Stupid Dubz! You make me look bad! Oogah Boogah Boogah Boogah! Dubz: AH! Bert: Uka UkaUka Uka! ... Bert: We'd love it if you joined us sometime! [suddenly serious] We'd love it if you joined us sometime. We'd really fucking love it if you joined us sometime. Goddammit, why don't you fucking join us sometime. Dubz: Fuck! Bert: If you don't fucking join us, I'm killing Dubz right now. Dubz: Yeah. Yeah!
At one point, Bert accidentally calls Dubz "Chubz."
[A door closes and footsteps are heard.] Bert: Dubz. Dubz: I don't want any! Bert: There's running. [laughs] I don't want any. "Whatever you're selling, I don't want it!" ... Bert: It's not time yet. Dubz: It's not time yet! Bert: It's like the opposite of "It's happening." Did you just realize that? Like, we can't say "It's happening," because- Dubz: It's not time yet.
Dubz manages to outsmart a creepy ghost simply by closing a gate.