For a show about serial killers and other nuts that go bump in the night, Criminal Minds manages quite a few of these.
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Season 1
Most of "The Tribe", especially the girls' reaction to Sean Hotchner, Hotch asking Reid if his name is Samuel, and the end banter between Hotch and John Blackwolf.
Hotch: You okay?
Blackwolf: You just had to shoot somebody, didn't you?
Gideon: The children?
Hotch: We got them out before taking out these four.
Reid: Weren't there five of them?
Blackwolf: Captain America shot number five.
Hotch: You're welcome. Number six is cut up pretty bad, I don't know if he's going to make it.
Blackwolf: At least I didn't shoot him.
The scene in "Broken Mirror" when Morgan and Elle are discussing a twin's apparent psychic relation with the other twin. Bonus points to Hotchner walking in, adding to the argument, and then getting straight to business.
Elle: You think Cheryl's a whack job because she claims she can feel her sister's anxiety?
Morgan: I never said whack job.
Reid: (walking in) Actually,there may be a psychological basis for it.
Morgan: Don't ask.
Reid: Reversed asymmetry monozygotic eggs split late, between 9 to 12 days. (Morgan shakes his head and smiles) The DNA matches right down to the very last stranded code, and there's sporadic documentation of shared physiological pain.
Morgan: And you believe it?
Reid: No, I'm just saying it's possible. I don't know everything, you know, despite the fact that you think that I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you.
Elle: This morning at breakfast.
Hotch: (walking in) Yesterday, when he beat you at cards... um, we've got one minute.
Morgan: (As everyone walks away) Hasn't anyone heard of sarcasm?
The scene in "A Real Rain" where the team's eating out at a Chinese restaurant and Reid tries to distract them from the fact that he can't use his chopsticks by giving random facts about them. There's also the part where Elle says they're spending too much time talking about profiling and Hotch says she's right and then asks if she's seeing anyone. She then starts asking Gideon about the case again!
"Machismo"
Jessica: You're holding him like a cantaloupe.
Hotch (trying to quiet a crying Jack): You think you can do better? Here you go, smartypants.
(Hotch hands Jack to Jessica, who causes him to stop crying immediately)
Hotch: ...Fine. Let's see you profile a disorganized psychopath.
At the beginning of "Plain Sight", Reid is at his 24th birthday party in the office, trying to blow out trick candles and wearing a ridiculous hat. Which Gideon solemnly advises him not to take off.
In the pilot episode when a mans dog is barking at Reid.
Hotch: It's okay. It's what we call the Reid Effect. It happens with children too.
And then later in that episode:
Interviewee: So, what kind of doctor are you?
Reid: There are pHDs actually. Three of them.
Interviewee: What are you, some kind of genius?
Reid: I don't believe intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, and eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words a minute.
Interviewee: *dazed expression*
Reid: Yes, I'm a genius.
Considering the subject matter, "LDSK" has a few of these. One of the funniest has to be at the very end.
Hotch: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan.
Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.
Hotch: Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.
Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve-year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine-year-old girl.
Season 2
While Reid, Morgan and Elle try to guess a man's computer password, Morgan has this excellent advice to give Reid:
Morgan: Come on, genius. Do... genius stuff.
Time Morgan and Emily were in a motel, approaching the unsub's room.
Emily (offering key): Key?
Morgan: No thanks, I've got one. (kicks door down)
There's a short scene from near the end of "The Boogeyman" where the team runs into a small playground while chasing a killer and his victim, a little girl. They stop long enough to note the girl's backpack lying abandoned on the ground, then run off into the woods in pursuit. The season's blooper reel kicks off with a version of that scene where all the actors (led by Mandy Patinkin) run into the playground as usual...and then suddenly jump on the playground's merry-go-round and spin around, then climb on the see-saws and go up and down for several seconds...before jumping off and running off into the woods as if nothing happened.
In "Identity", the team tries to get information out of an area's extremely unhelpful populace. Reid looks for it in a trailer park and gets absolutely nowhere on his own. It's made even better by the poor guy's face.
Reid: I'm with the FBI.
Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious. You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes! I could snap you like a twig!
Someone questions Reid's methods when it comes to topography in "3rd Life":
State Marshal: You've got to find him, and fast.
Reid: What does it look like I'm doing?
State Marshal: Colouring in a map!
Rossi tells Hotch in "Limelight" that he needs to go to a field office to look at some evidence:
Hotch: Take Reid with you.
Reid:(Excitedly) Road trip, nice! I've got books on tape of Peter Coyote reading the entire Foundation trilogy!
Made even better by the look of sheer terror in Rossi's eyes as he says it.
Garcia makes her thoughts on keeping her relationship with Kevin a secret clear in "Damaged":
Garcia: Kevin, if you come within 100 feet of Agent Rossi, I will unleash an unrecoverable virus onto your personal computer system that will reduce your electronic world into something between a Commodore 64, and a block of government cheese... call me later!
In "The Angel Maker", Reid manages to break down a code and rattles off a 25-second string of technically accurate cryptobabble. Emily reaches out and pokes him in the cheek.
Emily: He's so lifelike.
Reid's theory about an evil twin and an eviler twin...and the ensuing reactions of the team.
As the team discuss the case while pretending it's not relevant an executed man's DNA is at the scene.
Rossi: There are parachutes aboard, right?
Reid: Standard on all federal air transport.
Rossi: Maybe we can give one to the elephant in the room, get him out of here?
"Paradise":
Reid: Thank you Garcia!
Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome. (hangs up)
Hotch: Remind me to have her drug tested.
Discovering that the unsub has taken classes from a pickup artist in "52 Pickup", the team decides they need to see firsthand how the teacher (and thus the unsub) works. So they need someone they know the man will try to pickup, and everyone turns to look at Prentiss, who has already been the subject of his attention. Dawning realization is accompanied by a pained "Oh, this is really going to suck."
Reid: I was able to differentiate between two distinct voices, two authors. I found various idiosyncratic words, phrases, punctuation and orthography within the blog. Entries consistent with each separate person, words like soda and pop. One guy uses dashes while the other guy uses ellipses. (chuckles)
Detective Linden: ...Where'd you find this kid?
Rossi (whispering): He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI.
In "Normal," Morgan gets some flack about his ability to hold a baby; when he proudly says that the baby's smiling at him, Garcia and Prentiss chorus "Gas!" as an explanation. A minute later, JJ (who has just been lamenting the fact that Hotch never smiles) points out, "You're smiling." Hotch's adorably deadpan reply? "Gas."
In, "The Instincts", Reid is visiting his mother at the mental institution. He's been having visions of a dead boy. When he tells his mother he's been seeing things, she harshly whispers to him "Don't say that! They're listening!"
At the end of the episode, they have this exchange:
Reid: Doctor Norman gave me permission to sleep on the couch in your room tonight, if it's alright with you.
Diana: (to Norman, after a pause) If anyone tries to keep him in here any longer, I'll scratch your eyes out.
Norman: ... One night only. (leaves)
Diana: (after Norman is gone) It helps if they think you're crazy — they don't argue.
In the next episode, "Memoriam", the team has spent a night in Vegas. When they gather for the trip home, Prentiss has one hell of a hangover, and she looks about ready to strangle JJ when she plays a very loud slot machine.
Rossi's wordless imitation of hungover!Prentiss just makes it.
JJ: So if anything should happen to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale.
Reid: Oh, Yale. Yale. Do you want to go to Yale, Henry? That was your godfather's safety school. (Whispers conspiratorially) Don't worry, I can get you into Caltech with one phone call.
Season 5
You can't help but laugh when the unsub in "Reckoner" is Killed Mid-Sentence.
Unsub: Did you ever hear the joke about the two Irishmen? One sa—
And from the same episode, Reid misuses his title:
Hotch: You told me you were clear to travel. You lied.
Prentiss: Naughty boy.
Reid: Uh, no I didn't. I am a doctor so technically it wasn't a lie.
And as a result of that, Reid and Garcia subsequently turn into a squabbling double act. They speak in unison and try to one-up one another over crossword clues and who gets to answer the phone.
From "Cradle To The Grave", after SWAT has picked the lock on the front door and entered the unsub's house without his knowledge. The unsub flushes his toilet, steps out of the bathroom without washing his hands, looks up, and discovers that four FBI agents and several SWAT members have apparently teleported into his kitchen and are pointing guns at him. The man's confusion is so great he doesn't even remember to raise his hands all the way.
For being perhaps the most tearjerking episode in the show's history, "100" managed to pull off one good moment when the team is trying to figure out where Haley was taken. Reid proceeds to recite it word for word without seeming to ever pause or take a breath.
Rossi and Reid going to one of the dump sites in "Solitary Man". It's in a small ditch, and Rossi convinces Reid to go down and take a closer look ("New shoes, huh?"). After they're done, Rossi leaves Reid (whose leg is still messed up from getting shot in "Faceless, Nameless") there, unable to get out of the ditch on his own.
The entire exchange, for those who are curious:
Rossi: So, how long's it going to take you to get in that ditch?
Reid: Get in that ditch? I- I got shot in the knee, remember? My doctor says I'm not allowed to do any climbing.
The horrified looks on everyone's faces when Reid walks in, post-haircut in "The Internet is Forever".
Hotch: What, did you join a boyband?
Its a little dark, but this scene in "Our Darkest Hour":
Billy: Is this your son's bicycle?
Paul: What the hell...
Billy: I may have run it over.
Paul: What did you do, back over it again?
Billy: Actually... twice. (shoots him)
And later:
Garcia: How's my main man doing?
Reid: Uh, on the completely safe assumption that you're not talking about me, let's just say that I wouldn't wanna be this unsub when Morgan finally gets his hands on him.
Garcia: That bad, huh?
Season 6
Reid steals a bottle of Antacid tablets from Prentiss' desk in "JJ":
Prentiss: Oh, again with the dairy?
Reid: I can't help it, I love dairy.
He then sits there, eating tablets for the remainder of the scene.
And in that same episode, Prentiss, Reid and Garcia trying (and failing miserably) to pretend they hadn't been trying to figure out why JJ was in Hotch's office.
Rossi: You'd think profilers would cover better than that, wouldn't you?
Upon finding out the name the unsub has used in "Safe Haven":
Rossi: Niko Bellic is the name of the main character from Grand Theft Auto IV.
Garcia hands out tablet computers with information about the case in "Middle Man":
Reid:(Pained expression) We've gone paperless?
Garcia:(Hands him a file) Fear not, doctor of the dark ages. I went old-school for your anti-technology quirk, paper file, hard copy photos, but the abacus is your responsibility.
Hotch:(Dubious look) Garcia, not that I don't appreciate your efforts, but exactly where did the funding for these come from?
Garcia:(Looks not unlike a deer caught in the headlights) I did a thing.
Hotch: A thing?
Garcia: Best not talk about the thing.
Hotch: We'll talk about the thing later.
Seaver responds to an unheard remark about Doctor Who.
Seaver: Is that the one where they fly around in the phone booth?
Reid: First of all, it's a police box. Not a phone booth. Second of all, Doctor Who started a quarter of a century before Bill and Ted even went on their bodacious adventures so really they should have just called it Bill and Ted's Excellent Rip-off. At least then they would've made-
Seaver: I'm really sorry.
Reid: For what?
Seaver: Asking.
When Morgan enters the unsub's RV and discovers that he's cut Ellie Spicer's hair in "The Longest Night".
Morgan: I swear to God, when I get my hands on this son-of-a-
Reid: That actually might be good.
(Morgan turns to look at him incredulously)
Reid: Why disguise someone you're gonna kill?
Morgan shows some unexpected maths skills in "Supply & Demand":
(Morgan and Rossi are inspecting a car)
Rossi: Tank's three-quarters full.
Morgan: Well, it says here capacity's 18 gallons. 15 miles per gallon, he used up a quarter tank, so he must have fueled up about 70 miles ago.
(Beat)
Rossi: Okay, Reid.
Season 7
Rossi's 'cooking lesson' at the end of "Proof". Doubles up as a CMOH when Reid shows up.
In "Painless", Reid and JJ discuss high school, JJ denies she was a 'mean girl':
JJ: I was actually one of the nice girls. Even to guys like you.
Reid: Guys like me- I'll have you my social standing increased once I started winning at basketball.
JJ: Oh yeah, you played basketball?
Reid:(disparagingly) I didn't play- I coached basketball. I wrote down the opposing team's shooting strategy.
(beat)
JJ: Is that why Morgan kicked you out of the pool last week?
Reid:(smiling) Yeah, it took him three rounds to realize I was hustling him.
JJ: Huh.
From the same episode, Reid goes batshit when his phone keeps ringing:
Reid:(phone rings) Son of a bitch! (answers phone) Hey, this is Dr Spencer Reid, and I actually can come to the phone right now, with a special message that your mother is a-
Also in that scene, Reid's silent reaction as he slowly realizes Morgan's behind the constant ringing, then when Hotch leaves, muttering "I will crush you" at Morgan.
Recorded!Reid: We interrupt your regularly scheduled musical selection with an important announcement. Never wage a practical joke war on an MIT graduate, because we have a history of going nuclear. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the dulcet sounds of me, screaming in your ear! AAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
(Morgan rips off headphones and looks at Reid, who is sleeping opposite him)
Morgan: Okay, kid, that was cute, but that's all you've got?
(Reid pretends to snore, and smiles. Morgan's phone rings)
Morgan:(answering phone) Hey, baby g-
Morgan's phone: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(Reid smiles, still pretending to be asleep)
Morgan: Uh huh. Okay, Reid, it's over. Just know that payback can be a bitch.
(Reid snores)
From 7x07, when Reid goes off one of his typical long winded brainstorms he abruptly interjects this:
Reid: I'm rambling aren't I?
Hotch: Yes.
Reid: I should probably get to the point.
And then goes off on another long winded brainstorm, which of course leads them to a genius revelation about the nature of the killer.
Garcia gives her thought on her job:
Reid: Trying looking for thefts involving body parts, specifically left legs.
Garcia: Okay, eugh! See, this is why I can't talk about how my day was at dinner... Or breakfast, or lunch-
(Newspaper article flashes up on her computer screen with the headline "Leg stolen from funeral home")
Garcia:(whispering) Spencer, you scare me.
Immediately following the above, the wounded/confused/innocent look Reid gives Rossi when his response to Garcia is "Join the club!"
Reid explains to Garcia the appearance of a 'Hook Echo' tornado:
Reid: They're swirling hook-like radar signatures that look surprisingly like what you'd expect them to.
Garcia demanding to know if Hotch is dating and Hotch walking into the conversation and the extreme awkwardness when Garcia realizes he's there.
This plane scene from "Unknown Subject".
Prentiss: (sees only Hotch on the plane) I’m sorry, I thought you said 10:30.
Hotch: I did. For you. Have a seat. (Prentiss sits down) I received Dr. Merrill’s assessment. I wanted to review it with you.
Prentiss: Well, what is there to discuss? She gave me a clean bill of heath.
Hotch: (reads from file) The patient shows no hesitation tackling difficult goals as part of reintegrating into her life. She has reached out to her mother.
Hotch: And has started a romantic relationship with a man named Sergio.*
Sergio is the name of her cat.
(later in the conversation)
Hotch: Sergio?
Prentiss: He is the perfect man. He doesn’t hog the covers and he poops in a box.
In "Snake Eyes", Reid explains why it would be best to send him undercover to an exclusive, high-stakes poker game.
Reid: I am banned from casinos in Las Vegas, Laughlin and Pahrump because of my card-counting ability.
Then, when Rossi doubts his poker skills, Reid proves he has a fail safe way to win at poker. With a complex mathematical equation.
Reid, trying desperately hard to fit in at the poker game.
Reid: Eight thousand dollars... That's 56 months wages for the average person in Bangladesh. Kinda makes you think doesn't it?
Rest of the table: *Stares at Reid*
At the end of "A Family Affair" on the plane ride back home, JJ complains about forgetting to book a babysitter for her son so she can go with Prentiss and Garcia to "ladies' night out." So Reid offers to babysit. Cue the Oh Crap look from Prentiss and JJ. Prentiss says, "He can do a couple of hours." Reid adds, "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" Smash Cut to Hotch's race with the team in crowd. The girls are wearing sunglasses and look like hell.
Reid: (cheering as loud as possible) A couple of hours. A couple of hours! You guys didn't come home until sunrise!
(cue Death Glare from the girls)
JJ: (deadpan) Why are you yelling?
Prentiss: (deadpan) Make him stop.
Morgan: What did you guys drink last night?
Garcia: The Green Fairy. You're in the FBI, could you get the entire crowd to stop cheering?
(cue amused look from Morgan)
There's also the cute moment when Morgan tells Jack to put on earmuffs and Jack puts his hands on his ears.
Not to mention Reid's stated qualifications for babysitting Henry: He watched an episode of Mr Belvedere.
Hotch and Rossi are arresting a skeevy racist politician who's incited an unstable young man to commit several home invasion multiple murders, and he won't stop protesting his innocence and trying to put it all on the kid.
Hotch: You have the right to remain silent.
Rossi: Please feel free to exercise that right.
In "Divining Rod", Reid proves that his social ineptitude is still going strong:
Cop: You must be with the FBI.
JJ:(shakes his hand) I'm Agent Jareau, and this is Dr Reid.
(Reid recoils from proffered handshake, choosing instead to wave.)
The 'What the hell?' look the cop gives JJ really sells it.
Later:
Hotch: It's curious, one woman being at the centre of two serial killers.
From "Profiling 101", Reid's evolving haircuts throughout the flashbacks.
A bit of hilarious narcissism:
Morgan:(Explaining how the BAU has evolved over time) ... And now we've even got our own genius.
Reid and Garcia:(In unison) Thank you!
Reid, Garcia and Kevin's Doctor Who cosplays at the beginning of "Hit". Particularly when we discover that Reid knit his fourth Doctor scarf himself.
While the entire ending of "Run" constitutes a major CMOH, a giggling Reid blowing a kiss to Morgan and Prentiss while they try to dance is certainly liable to crack you up.
