Funny: Criminal Minds
For a show about serial killers and other nuts that go bump in the night, Criminal Minds manages quite a few of these.
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1x01 Extreme Aggressor
- Hotch and Reid at a man's house and then his dog starts barking at Reid.
Hotch: It's okay. It's what we call the Reid Effect. It happens with children too.(later in the interview)Interviewee: So, what kind of doctor are you?Reid: There are PhDs actually. Three of them.Interviewee: What are you, some kind of genius?Reid: I don't believe intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an IQ of 187, and eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words a minute.Interviewee: *dazed expression*Reid: Yes, I'm a genius.
Morgan: I thought you said I was talking to the office of Supreme Genius?Garcia: Well you've been rerouted to the office of Too Frickin' Bad.
- After beginning to work through the many dozens of people with the name mentioned by the UnSub, Morgan quips, "Why don't we just change the first question to "Have you recently dated a homicidal pyromaniac?"
- At the beginning of the episode, Reid is at his 24th birthday party in the office, trying to blow out trick candles and wearing a ridiculous hat. Which Gideon solemnly advises him not to take off.
- The scene when Morgan and Elle are discussing a twin's apparent psychic relation with the other twin. Bonus points to Hotch walking in, adding to the argument, and then getting straight to business.
Elle: You think Cheryl's a whack job because she claims she can feel her sister's anxiety?Morgan: I never said whack job.Reid: (walking in) Actually, there may be a psychological basis for it.Morgan: Don't ask.Reid: Reversed asymmetry monozygotic eggs split late, between 9 to 12 days. (Morgan shakes his head and smiles) The DNA matches right down to the very last stranded code, and there's sporadic documentation of shared physiological pain.Morgan: And you believe it?Reid: No, I'm just saying it's possible. I don't know everything, you know, despite the fact that you think that I do.Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?Reid: Every day since I met you.Elle: This morning at breakfast.Hotch: (walking in) Yesterday, when he beat you at cards... um, we've got one minute.Morgan: (As everyone walks away) Hasn't anyone heard of sarcasm?
- While he has a very good reason for doing it, the scene where Gideon basically trolls the kidnapper by hanging up on him multiple times when he tries to call the agents is hysterical.
- Considering the subject matter, this episode has a few of these. One of the funniest has to be at the very end.
Hotch: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan.Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.Hotch: Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve-year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine-year-old girl.
- There's another at the start, where Hotch is trying to help Reid shoot straight. Reid fires, hits the target in the crotch, and all Hotch says is "Did Elle teach you that?"
- At the beginning of the episode, Elle tells Derek not to say anything to Reid about failing his shooting exam, since she knows he'll be upset about it. As soon as Reid walks into the office, Derek tells him that they're all there for him, and wraps a whistle around his neck telling him to blow it if he needs them. A dick move? Yes. Hilarious? Also yes.
- Reid and Greenaway inserting themselves into Garcia's cramped technology hub leads to some amusing exchanges, particularly after Elle asks if Garcia can get into the records of a certain mob member:
Reid: Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, you can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file...(Garcia does so before he can even finish speaking)Reid:...thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.(beat)Greenaway: We can make bail.
- Before entering a train to negotiate with a man who's taken hostages, Reid does his best to perform a magic trick where he palms a microchip. After he takes several attempts to succeed, he asks for a favor: "Could at least one of you look like you're going to see me again?"
- Gideon enters on crutches. When Hotch asks what happened to him, Gideon says that he has a list of things he wants to try before it's too late, to which Elle replies "And orthopedic surgery's one of them?"
- Most of episode, especially the girls' reaction to Sean Hotchner, Hotch asking Reid if his name is Samuel, and the end banter between Hotch and John Blackwolf.
Hotch: You okay?Blackwolf: You just had to shoot somebody, didn't you?Gideon: The children?Hotch: We got them out before taking out these four.Reid: Weren't there five of them?Blackwolf: Captain America shot number five.Hotch: You're welcome. Number six is cut up pretty bad, I don't know if he's going to make it.Blackwolf: At least I didn't shoot him.
- Just before the climax, Blackwolf tells Hotch to put his gun away and use his baton instead, as "there are many paths to the same place". Hotch replies, "Just so you know, you sound like a fortune cookie."
- The scene where the team's eating out at a Chinese restaurant and Reid tries to distract them from the fact that he can't use his chopsticks by giving random facts about them. There's also the part where Elle says they're spending too much time talking about profiling and Hotch says she's right and then asks if she's seeing anyone. She then starts asking Gideon about the case again!
- On the plane, Reid mentions that he's looking forward to seeing New York:
Morgan: You've never been to New York?Reid: We've never had an unsub there.Hotch: (to Gideon) Weren't you going to talk to Reid about taking some vacation time?Gideon: ...What's vacation time?
- Hotch is holding his son Jack.
Jessica: You're holding him like a cantaloupe.Hotch (trying to quiet a crying Jack): What, you think you can do better? Okay, smartypants, knock yourself out.(Hotch hands Jack to Jessica, who causes him to stop crying immediately)Hotch: ...Alright, let's see you profile a disorganized psychopath.
- Haley gives Hotch the phone and tells him that it's his wife. It's actually Gideon, but the moniker makes perfect sense.
- It's certainly very black humor, considering what comes later, but the exchange right after that one is still funny. Haley has just come in, Hotch has told her that he has to leave her alone with the baby because of a case, and she's clearly upset about it but says it's okay and leaves.
Hotch: (Off Jessica's look). What? You heard her? She said it was okay.Jessica: Yeah, you're a GREAT profiler.
- Garcia tries to speak Spanish.
Morgan: Easy there, Garcia. I think you just offended somebodyís mother.Garcia: Shut up you. I took French. What can I say?Morgan: Penelope, your last name is Garcia.Garcia: Yeah, I know. Itís my stepfatherís name. Do you want my genius or not?
- While walking to the crime scene with a local officer, after Reid rattles off basic information on the Dia de Muertos in his usual style.
Mexican Officer: He sounds like he was reading that out of a book.Morgan: Trust me, he always sounds like that.
- While Reid, Morgan and Elle try to guess a man's computer password, Morgan has this excellent advice to give Reid:
Morgan: Come on, genius. Do something genius-like.
- The plane scene:
Elle: (reading the headline) 'Stripping Bandit.' That's terrible. It makes it sound like the bandit is doing the stripping.Reid: What would you call him?JJ: Pervert.Elle: Scumbag.Morgan: I'd call him an ass.Hotch: Hey! Focus please!
- Morgan and Elle were in a motel, approaching the UnSub's room.
Elle: (offering key) Key?Morgan: No thanks, I've got one. (kicks door down)
- Morgan calls Garcia and asks her for some information. At the end of the call, he tells her to look up 'sexy' and 'brilliant' and calls her a goddess. Cue everyone within earshot looking at him oddly. He tries to explain that it's a work call, and everyone's just like 'Oh. Right.'
- JJ's campfire story.
Morgan: JJ, that was pretty good. Just that paybacks are a bitch.JJ: I'm shakin'.
- Reid is sitting in the dark in a potential unsub's house, while Garcia keeps emphasizing the creepiness of the situation over the phone. He gets up and looks around, only to bump into MorganÖ
Reid: NNNGUUHHH! (nearly drops his phone)Morgan: (amused) You really are afraid of the dark.Reid: I'm working on thatÖMorgan: You should work a little harder.
- There's a short scene from near the end of the episode where the team runs into a small playground while chasing a killer and his victim, a little girl. They stop long enough to note the girl's backpack lying abandoned on the ground, then run off into the woods in pursuit. The season's blooper reel kicks off with a version of that scene where all the actors (led by Mandy Patinkin) run into the playground as usual...and then suddenly jump on the playground's merry-go-round and spin around, then climb on the see-saws and go up and down for several seconds...before jumping off and running off into the woods as if nothing happened.
- "Ain't no white bears!"
- Gideon, Morgan and Reid find that the UnSub has been eating the food delivered by the church to the house he's staying in—except the bowls of creamed spinach. Morgan asks if they're now looking for someone who really, really hates spinach, to which Reid replies "Who doesn't?"
- Reid asks Gideon if he can go out to buy a book so he can re-read it before meeting the author:
Reid: Would you mind? It'll only take ten minutes.Gideon: To buy it or read it?Reid: Both, actually...
- Reid, JJ and Hotch are playing cards on the plane:
Hotch: I'll be right back. (Points at Reid) And don't cheat!(Reid throws up his hands, gives the most innocent expression imaginable, before waiting for Hotch to leave and then promptly cheating, and then JJ wins)JJ: I'm beating you, genius.Reid: Genius Dr. Reid let you win.
- The UnSub says that the first bomb will explode 'where it all began', which turns out to be Seattle. Morgan quotes the bomber, who said that 'it' needed to be stopped, and then says 'And off the top of my head, the only thing 'it' could be is grunge music and overpriced coffee'.
- Hotch returns to his office after the case to find the newly-appointed Agent Prentiss (introduced at the start of the episode) perched on the couch. There's a beat of surprise, and then:
Hotch: Please tell me you haven't been there for the past four days.
- Reid demonstrates a physics law using vinegar and Alka-Seltzer to make rockets:
Hotch: (picks up rocket lying at his feet) Physics magic?Reid: Yes, sir.Hotch: Reid, we've talked about this.Reid: I'm sorry, sir.Hotch: (Hands Reid the rocket)Hotch: Really starting to get some distance on those. (leaves)Prentiss: So he does have a sense of humor?Reid: Sometimes.
- There's also the bit that happens moments before the above. Reid's "rocket" beans Emily in the head as she's coming in the door, Reid hastily apologizes as JJ explains what they're doing. Emily's response is "Ooh! Show Me!"
- Prentiss tries to have a serious discussion with Morgan's family... And all the while Reid stands there, happily eating cake and spouting statistics.
- The UnSub of the week has been killing black teenagers in a predominantly white area. A local black Reverend is stirring up the black community, claiming that the police simply don't care and that the team only came to investigate because a white boy was killed. As he tells the community to stand up and protest, Gideon turns the TV off and simply says, "Well, that's not helpful."
- Brad the Real FBI Agent.
Prentiss: Ladies, this is Brad, a real FBI agent.
3x02 In Name and Blood
- JJ's thoughts on Strauss.
You know, from this angle, she almost looks human.
- Morgan calls Hotch from the crime scene, Hotch is at home.
Hotch: Hey, how's it going?Morgan: Well, Strauss just offended the lead detective 45 seconds into her first crime scene.Hotch: I'm not surprised.
- Most of Garcia's phone banter is funny, but this one truly crowns it:
Garcia: Talk dirty to me.Strauss: ...This is Section Chief Erin Strauss...Garcia: Ma'am. I think it goes without saying that I was expecting it to be someone else, ma'am.
- Also note how Morgan desperately tries to say something before Strauss, but can't. And JJ just leans back and smirks.
- Another one from Garcia:
Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I want to hear.Garcia: You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder.Morgan: Something I don't already know.Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?
- Garcia talks to Reid via webcam:
Garcia: (Whipering) Hey, you.Reid: (Looks around, baffled)Garcia: Uh, down here.Reid: (Spots computer) I knew that...Garcia: It's a good thing you're handsome, Doctor.
- Reid and Morgan getting trapped in the malfunctioning elevator:
Hotch: Was that the alarm? You guys okay?Reid: I'll get back to you on that.
- Especially how Morgan goes from teasing Reid about it, to as panicked as he is. Then they both start yelling for Hotch to save them.
- Apparently Garcia didn't learn too much from her last phone slip up:
Morgan: (on phone) Hey, girl, you're on speaker — behave!Garcia: Or what? You'll spank me?(awkward silence).
- Happy Halloween
- While it's not in the above clip, how Reid hurriedly puts away the costume when he sees Strauss.
- The team tries to get information out of an area's extremely unhelpful populace. Reid looks for it in a trailer park and gets absolutely nowhere on his own. It's made even better by the poor guy's face.
Trailer Park Manager: What the hell do you want? Can't you read?Reid: I'm with the FBI.Trailer Park Manager: FBI? You're not serious. You look like a pipe cleaner with eyes! I could snap you like a twig!Rossi: But then again, (steps into view) he's not alone either.
- For an otherwise depressing episode:
Morgan: (on the phone with Garcia) Leave it alone until I get there. Hey, hey, hardhead... don't make me spank you when I get back.Reid: Don't listen to him, Garcia, he's all talk. (Morgan smacks him on the head) Ah! JJ, he just hit me!JJ: (not looking up) Boys, behave or I will ground you both.
Reid: You should have listened to me.Morgan: It wouldn't have saved that much time, Reid, let it go.Reid: The interchange between the 405 and the 101 freeways is consistently rated as the worst interchange in the entire world.Morgan: Why do you know that?Reid: It's a government report!Morgan: So what?Reid: So you work for the government, you don't read the reports?Morgan: On the traffic patterns in a city 2,500 miles from where I live.Reid: 2,295 miles.Morgan: Do not make me smack you in front of all these people.
- Someone questions Reid's methods when it comes to topography:
State Marshal: You've got to find him, and fast.Reid: What does it look like I'm doing?State Marshal: Coloring in a map!
- Rossi tells Hotch that he needs to go to a field office to look at some evidence:
Hotch: Take Reid with you.Reid: (Excitedly) Road trip, nice! I've got books on tape of Peter Coyote reading the entire Foundation trilogy!(Rossi has the look of sheer terror)
- It's even funnier if you have read the Foundation trilogy. None of the books are actually very long and the subject matter is actually very relevant to a profiler's interests.
- Garcia makes her thoughts on keeping her relationship with Kevin a secret clear:
Garcia: Kevin, if you come within 100 feet of Agent Rossi, I will unleash an unrecoverable virus onto your personal computer system that will reduce your electronic world into something between a Commodore 64, and a block of government cheese... call me later!
- Garcia and Prentiss debating on whether Rossi needs help:
Prentiss: He might need our help.Garcia: He didn't ask anyone for help.
- At the end of the episode, when JJ and Will kiss after an entire episode of JJ trying to keep their relationship secret, how do the other team members present react?
Morgan: Well, finally!Prentiss: Thought she was never going to admit it...Reid: Yeah, what's it been, a year?
- When Hotch completely profiles a defense attorney from the witness stand after said attorney supposed he wouldn't be able to guess what kind of socks he was wearing. He guessed that right...as well as a few other things. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- And then the lawyer tries to complain about Hotchner's analysis of him to the judge, who promptly tells him to either show the court his Blackberry or back off. The look on the guy's face is priceless. (For the record, any legitimate objection he might have had to Hotchner revealing personal information about him vanished when he opened the door by questioning the accuracy of profiling.)
- The revelation that Prentiss was a goth in high school, complete with Garcia producing an incriminating photo.
- Garcia, on the phone with a social services worker who refuses to give her information about a closed adoption:
Garcia: You know what ma'am, I am done being nice. If you look to your cursor you'll notice it's moving on its own. That's me hacking your secure network. Now I got her file, now I got her social, and now 'cause you're grumpy, I'm gonna send your boss those Jamaican vacation photos. Check you out, no tan lines. (hangs up)
4x02 The Angel Maker
- Reid manages to break down a code and rattles off a 25-second string of technically accurate cryptobabble. Emily reaches out and pokes him in the cheek.
Emily: He's so lifelike.
- Reid's theory about an evil twin and an eviler twin...and the ensuing reactions of the team.
- Especially how Hotch apparently does a Face Palm over it.
- As the team discuss the case while pretending it's not relevant an executed man's DNA is at the scene.
Rossi: There are parachutes aboard, right?Reid: Standard on all federal air transport.Rossi: Maybe we can give one to the elephant in the room, get him out of here?
- This episode's big on the Rossi-Reid snark. After they deduce that there's a code, but still have no idea what it is:
Rossi: What do you need to crack it?Reid: The ability to clone myself and a year's supply of Adderall.Rossi: I'll put the coffee on.
- Garica just gave important information to the team.
Reid: Thank you Garcia!Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome. (hangs up)Hotch: Remind me to have her drug tested.
- Made all the funnier because Hotch delivers the line looking directly at the camera.
- Reid is visiting his mother at the mental institution. He's been having visions of a dead boy. When he tells his mother he's been seeing things, she harshly whispers to him "Don't say that! They're listening!"
- At the end of the episode, they have this exchange:
Reid: Doctor Norman gave me permission to sleep on the couch in your room tonight, if it's alright with you.Diana: (to Norman, after a pause) If anyone tries to keep him in here any longer, I'll scratch your eyes out.Norman: ... One night only. (leaves)Diana: (after Norman is gone) It helps if they think you're crazy ó they don't argue.
- The team has spent a night in Vegas. When they gather for the trip home, Prentiss has one hell of a hangover, and Morgan is playing a really loud slot machine. Prentiss asks him to stop and JJ walks into the lobby and notes that there's still credit on the machine Morgan was playing and almost presses the button when Prentiss shouts "JJ, I swear to God!". JJ asks "What?" and then Rossi's wordless imitation of a hungover Prentiss just makes it. See here.
- And the at the end of the episode, after JJ asks Reid to be her son's godfather:
JJ: So if anything should happen to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale.Reid: Oh, Yale. Yale. Do you want to go to Yale, Henry? That was your godfather's safety school. (Whispers conspiratorially) Don't worry, I can get you into Caltech with one phone call.
- Reid tries to tell a joke.
Reid: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Rossi: (whispering) Don't.Reid: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.(crickets)Reid: Um, an existentialist would...Rossi: Before he does his quantum physics knock-knock joke (entire audience laughs), do we have any other questions about opportunities in the FBI?
- "I never have any normal fans." Oh, Reid, you have no idea...
- This clip. Discovering that the UnSub has taken classes from a pickup artist, the team decides they need to see firsthand how the teacher (and thus the UnSub) works. So they need someone they know the man will try to pickup, and everyone turns to look at Prentiss, who has already been the subject of his attention. Dawning realization is accompanied by a pained "Oh, this is really going to suck."
- "My friends call me petri dish because of all my venereal diseases!"
- Reid pausing mid-profile to crack a joke at Todd's expense. Whether or not you like her, it's made funny because he never, ever does this.
Reid: Nice earrings.Todd: Oh, thank you.Reid: My grandmother used to wear a lot of fake jewelry also, it's very nice.
- Well to be fair, he's actually demonstrating the technique.
- Morgan gets some flack about his ability to hold a baby; when he proudly says that the baby's smiling at him, Garcia and Prentiss chorus "Gas!" as an explanation. A minute later, JJ (who has just been lamenting the fact that Hotch never smiles) points out, "You're smiling." Hotch's adorably deadpan reply? "Gas."
- This scene.
Reid: I was able to differentiate between two distinct voices, two authors. I found various idiosyncratic words, phrases, punctuation and orthography within the blog. Entries consistent with each separate person, words like soda and pop. One guy uses dashes while the other guy uses ellipses. (chuckles)Detective Linden: ...Where'd you find this kid?Rossi (whispering): He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI.
- How utterly overwhelmed and clueless Prentiss and Reid are when standing outside the Madam's apartment.
Lauren: You two need lessons in faking it. I teach a class.
- And then there's this:
Reid: What about the, umm, type of work your employees do? We're sort of operating under the assumption that this escort is, umm, killing men who... make her perform a... specific sexual act.Lauren: (grinning) What did you have in mind, sweetie?Reid: I... I don't even... I don't know.
- A sidebar story to the episode has Kevin tell Garcia that he's in the running for a top secret technical job for the FBI. Garcia worries all episode about what this would do to their relationship. At the end of the episode, Kevin walks in on Garcia, telling her that the job "disappeared" because "someone hacked into the database". Garcia replies about how Kevin wouldn't like Karachi—where the job was—to which Kevin replies (and exposes Garcia as the hacker), "I never told you it was in Karachi."
- Reid misuses his title:
Hotch: You told me you were clear to travel. You lied.Prentiss: Naughty boy.Reid: Uh, no I didn't. I am a doctor so technically it wasn't a lie.Garcia: What was it, then?Reid: Um... Second opinion.Garcia: Huh. (beat) You're my bitch now.
- And as a result of Reid being forced to stay with Garcia the whole episode, Reid and Garcia subsequently turn into a squabbling double act. They speak in unison and try to one-up one another over crossword clues and who gets to answer the phone.
- You can't help but laugh when the UnSub is Killed Mid-Sentence near the end of the episode.
UnSub: Did you ever hear the joke about the two Irishmen? One sa—
- The SWAT team has picked the lock on the front door and entered the UnSub's house without his knowledge. The UnSub flushes his toilet, steps out of the bathroom without washing his hands, looks up, and discovers that four FBI agents and several SWAT members have apparently teleported into his kitchen and are pointing guns at him. The man's confusion is so great he doesn't even remember to raise his hands all the way.
- For being perhaps the most tearjerking episode in the show's history, the 100th episode managed to pull off one good moment when the team is trying to figure out where Haley was taken. Reid proceeds to recite it word for word without seeming to ever pause or take a breath.
Morgan: Reid, what did Foyet say?Reid: Hailey'shairlooksgooddarkShe'slostsomeweightWaitwhere'sthelittlemanAhthereheisDoeshelikeCaptainAmericabecauseofyouOhyourwifescallingmeHoldpleaseHi OpenthegateandI'llberightin.
- Rossi and Reid going to one of the dump sites. It's in a small ditch, and Rossi convinces Reid to go down and take a closer look ("New shoes, huh?"). After they're done, Rossi leaves Reid (whose leg is still messed up from getting shot in "Faceless, Nameless") there, unable to get out of the ditch on his own.
Rossi: So, how long's it going to take you to get in that ditch?Reid: Get in that ditch? I—I got shot in the knee, remember? My doctor says I'm not allowed to do any climbing.Rossi: (Beat) It's a ditch.Reid: (Climbs into ditch) New boots, huh? Italian leather?Rossi: Yeah, what can I tell you.(They figure out crime, Rossi leaves)Reid: Hey, Rossi, I'm going to need a little bit of help getting out of this ditch. Rossi! Rossi? (Beat) I got it.
- Sherrif Ruiz's reaction to Garcia tracking down a safehouse:
Ruiz: If you're looking for a gift to get me, one of her would be greatly appreciated.Rossi: We're pretty sure they broke the mold.
- A coyote (the human trafficker kind) gets clotheslined by Morgan trying to escape out the back of his house, and is told they have questions for him and they're from the FBI. He responds in Spanish that he speaks no English. Prentiss repeats the statement in Spanish, causing him to give her a very pained look.
- The entirety of Reid and Prentiss' card game at the end of the episode.
- Kevin referring to Morgan as 'a muscle-bound modern day 007'.
Garcia: Actually, he's more like Jason Bourne.
Morgan: I'm not sleeping with Reid!Reid: (looks hurt)Garcia: (puts her hand on Morgan's arm) Dibs.
- Even funnier if you've seen Buffy and expect Garcia to reply "I am not sleeping with Morgan, but I'm starting to think that you might be!"
- Earlier in the episode when told they'll have to share rooms.
- The horrified looks on everyone's faces when Reid walks in, post-haircut.
Hotch: What, did you join a boyband?
6x01 The Longest Night
- When Morgan enters the UnSub's RV and discovers that he's cut Ellie Spicer's hair.
Morgan: I swear to God, when I get my hands on this son-of-a-Reid: That actually might be good.(Morgan turns to look at him incredulously)Reid: Why disguise someone you're gonna kill?
- It's a little dark, but this scene:
Billy: Is this your son's bicycle?Paul: What the hell...Billy: I may have run it over.Paul: What did you do, back over it again?Billy: Actually... twice. (shoots him)
- And later:
Garcia: How's my main man doing?Reid: Uh, on the completely safe assumption that you're not talking about me, let's just say that I wouldn't wanna be this UnSub when Morgan finally gets his hands on him.Garcia: That bad, huh?
- And when Garcia calls the team to tell them about Billy Flynn killing his mother and her client, she says it was described as the most appalling crime of its time.
Detective Adam Kurzbard: And for Southern California in the 1960's that's saying something.Garcia: Okay, I don't know who that was but word.
- Reid steals a bottle of Antacid tablets from Prentiss' desk:
Prentiss: Oh, again with the dairy?Reid: I can't help it, I love dairy.
- He then sits there, eating tablets for the remainder of the scene.
- Prentiss, Reid and Garcia trying (and failing miserably) to pretend they hadn't been trying to figure out why JJ was in Hotch's office.
Rossi: You'd think profilers would cover better than that, wouldn't you?
- Upon finding out the name the UnSub has used:
Rossi: Niko Bellic is the name of the main character from Grand Theft Auto IV.Rossi: What? I know things.
- Morgan and Hotch discussing Ellie on the plane:
Morgan: Garcia's gonna to help me find a way to get Ellie back to LA.Hotch: How did she get here?Morgan: She stole her foster mom's credit card. Then bought a ticket online, and then somehow lied her way through airport security.Hotch: How old is she?Morgan: She's nine. I didn't see this coming at all.
- Garcia hands out tablet computers with information about the case:
Reid: (Pained expression) We've gone paperless?Garcia: (Hands him a file) Fear not, doctor of the dark ages. I went old-school for your anti-technology quirk, paper file, hard copy photos, but the abacus is your responsibility.Hotch: (Dubious look) Garcia, not that I don't appreciate your efforts, but exactly where did the funding for these come from?Garcia: (Looks not unlike a deer caught in the headlights) I did a thing.Hotch: A thing?Garcia: Best not talk about the thing.Hotch: We'll talk about the thing later.
- Also, note that Rossi can't figure out how to turn his on and needs Hotch to do it for him.
- While going over the abduction site:
Reid: You're here to target a woman, but you don't want to attract attention.Hotch: Well standing in the middle gawking at passing women would certainly attract attention. Like you're doing now.Reid: What's that?Prentiss: And just like [snaps fingers], IQ of 187 is slashed to 60.
- Seaver responds to an unheard remark about Doctor Who.
Seaver: Is that the one where they fly around in the phone booth?Reid: First of all, it's a police box. Not a phone booth. Second of all, Doctor Who started a quarter of a century before Bill and Ted even went on their bodacious adventures so really they should have just called it Bill and Ted's Excellent Rip-off. At least then they would've made-Seaver: I'm really sorry.Reid: For what?Seaver: Asking.
- Morgan shows some unexpected maths skills:
(Morgan and Rossi are inspecting a car)Rossi: Tank's three-quarters full.Morgan: Well, it says here capacity's 18 gallons. 15 miles per gallon, he used up a quarter tank, so he must have fueled up about 70 miles ago.(Beat)Rossi: Okay, Reid.
- Rossi's cooking lesson at the end of the episode. Doubles up as a CMOH when Reid shows up. Bonus points for Hotch being the second most knowledgeable.
Rossi: Is this an order?Hotch: No, just a very tempered suggestion.Rossi: Temperance, yeah right. (walks off as Hotch smirks)
- The funny starts earlier, when Morgan first suggests that Rossi teach Garcia how to cook and Rossi glowers at him. Later Hotch suggests it also as a way for the team to bond again, and Rossi sighs in annoyance.
- Reid and JJ discuss high school, JJ denies she was a 'mean girl':
JJ: I was actually one of the nice girls. Even to guys like you.Reid: Guys like me—I'll have you know my social standing increased once I started winning at basketball.JJ: Oh yeah, you played basketball?Reid: (disparagingly) I didn't play—I coached basketball. I wrote down the opposing team's shooting strategy.(beat)JJ: Is that why Morgan kicked you out of the pool last week?Reid: (smiling) Yeah, it took him three rounds to realize I was hustling him.JJ: Huh.
- Shorty thereafter, Rossi and Morgan are meeting with reporters:
Morgan: Alright, feel free to call me if you have any other background questions. My phone number is 702-555-0103.Reporter: And whats your name sir?Morgan: (without missing a beat) Uh, it's Dr. Spencer Reid. R-E-I-D.(the look on Rossi's face afterward says it all)
- Later, after his phone has been constantly ringing, Reid goes complete apeshit:
Reid: Loner, invisible, outcast, boiling rage (phone rings) SON OF A BITCH! (answers phone) HI! This is Dr. Spencer Reid! I actually can come to the phone right now, with a special message that your mother is a-Hotch: ...Reid.Reid: (hanging up, now calm) Sorry,I-I'm really sorry, I-I don't know what got into me...(later in the conversation, Reid silently realizes Morgan's behind the constant ringing, then Hotch leaves)Reid: (muttering) I will crush you.Morgan: What?Reid: (innocently) What?
- Reid then gets his own back on Morgan, by hijacking his MP3 player:
Recorded Reid: We interrupt your regularly scheduled musical selection with an important announcement: Never wage a practical joke war on an MIT graduate, because we have a history of going nuclear. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the dulcet sounds of me, screaming in your ear! AAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!(Morgan rips off headphones and looks at Reid, who is sleeping opposite him)Morgan: Okay kid, that was cute, but that's all you've got?(Reid pretends to snore, and smiles. Morgan's phone rings)Morgan: (answering phone) Hey, baby g—Morgan's phone: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!(Reid smiles, still pretending to be asleep. Rossi takes out a white towel and waves it about)Morgan: (to Rossi) Uh-uh. Okay, Reid, it's on. Just know that paybacks are a bitch.(Reid snores)
- Garcia calls the team:
Morgan: Talk to me, momma.Garcia: First off, you are on restriction from my inter-lamborgini...Morgan: Garcia... (Prentiss raises an eyebrow)Garcia: I mean it. (Reid smirks) This high performance engine may purr like a puma on the prowl, but this time, Derek, you have seriously overheated my engines (JJ smirks) and I will seriously require some cool down laps (Hotch looks mildly annoyed) upon your return if you know what I mean by that.Morgan: Babygirl, you're on speaker.Garcia: (pause) I knew that.
- Reid goes off one of his typical long winded brainstorms he abruptly interjects this:
Reid: I'm rambling aren't I?Hotch: Yes.Reid: I should probably get to the point.(And then goes off on another long winded brainstorm, which of course leads them to a genius revelation about the nature of the killer.)
- Garcia gives her thought on her job:
Reid: Trying looking for thefts involving body parts, specifically left legs.Garcia: Okay, eugh! See, this is why I can't talk about how my day was at dinner... Or breakfast, or lunch-(Newspaper article flashes up on her computer screen with the headline "Leg stolen from funeral home")Garcia: (whispering) Spencer, you scare me.
- Immediately following the above, the wounded/confused/innocent look Reid gives Rossi when his response to Garcia is "Join the club!"
- Reid explains to Garcia the appearance of a 'Hook Echo' tornado:
Reid: They're swirling hook-like radar signatures that look surprisingly like what you'd expect them to.
- It's also touching, but when Hotch and JJ are talking about her flying back early.
Hotch: Anything I can do?JJ: Can I borrow the jet?Hotch: I think the budget oversight committee might not appreciate my generosity.
- This scene.
- Rossi's reasoning behind not getting a poison ivy rash:
Rossi: I'm Italian, it knows better.
- Garcia demanding to know if Hotch is dating.
Garcia: (via webcam) Okay, Rossi, out with it. Is Hotch dating anyone?Rossi: (leans in to the webcam) I. Don't. Know.Reid: You know, statistically, widowed men start dating much faster than females, but Hotch is refuting the data. It's been two years and 19 days.Garcia: Venus has aligned with Mars, which means love is in the air and maybe we will have weekends off.Morgan: (sees Hotch and clears throat to warn Garcia)Garcia: What? Is he standing there? He's standing there, isn't he?Hotch: Hello, Garcia.Garcia: Hello. Someone talk about the case.
- Has one that is both this and CMOH
Reid: And I realized, I don't know, there's just something incredibly right, about being here. With you guys.Prentiss: Well I'm glad to hear that. (Beat). Otherwise this would have been reeaally awkward.Reid: What would have been really awkward?Prentiss: (Opens a door revealing a surprise birthday party for Reid) Surprise!
- The plane scene in the beginning.
Prentiss: (sees only Hotch on the plane) Iím sorry, I thought you said 10:30.Hotch: I did. For you. Have a seat. (Prentiss sits down) I received Dr. Merrillís assessment. I wanted to review it with you.Prentiss: Here?Prentiss: Well, what is there to discuss? She gave me a clean bill of heath.Hotch: (reads from file) The patient shows no hesitation tackling difficult goals as part of reintegrating into her life. She has reached out to her mother.Prentiss: Iím going to.Hotch: And has started a romantic relationship with a man named Sergio.note(later in the conversation)Hotch: Sergio?Prentiss: He is the perfect man. He doesnít hog the covers and he poops in a box.
- After learning JJ likes Rage Against the Machine
(Morgan and Reid stare at her.)JJ: What? I rock.
- Reid explains why it would be best to send him undercover to an exclusive, high-stakes poker game.
Reid: I am banned from casinos in Las Vegas, Laughlin and Pahrump because of my card-counting ability.
- Then, when Rossi doubts his poker skills, Reid proves he has a fail safe way to win at poker. With a complex mathematical equation.
- Reid tries to get Rossi to play in the tournament by saying that it's a new experience, "which is rare at his age". To which he responds: "My what now?"
- Reid, trying desperately hard to fit in at the poker game.
Reid: Eight thousand dollars... That's 56 months wages for the average person in Bangladesh. Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?Rest of the table: *Stares at Reid*
- Hotch and Rossi are arresting a skeevy racist politician who's incited an unstable young man to commit several home invasion multiple murders, and he won't stop protesting his innocence and trying to put it all on the kid.
Hotch: You have the right to remain silent.Rossi: Please feel free to exercise that right.
- At the end of the episode on the plane ride back home, JJ complains about forgetting to book a babysitter for her son so she can go with Prentiss and Garcia to "ladies' night out."
Prentiss: Oh. Still no sitter?JJ: My sitter is not available. Apparently I have a better chance at winning the lottery than getting a sitter on a Saturday night.Reid: Whatís going on tonight?Prentiss: Oh, it was ladies night but...JJ: I forgot to book a sitter.Reid: Iíll do it.(Oh Crap! look from JJ and Prentiss)JJ: Spence...Reid: What? Iíve seen an episode of Mr. Belvedere.JJ: Youíve never babysat by yourself before...Prentiss: Well... He could do a couple of hours...Reid: What could possibly go wrong?
Reid: (cheering as loud as possible) A couple of hours. A couple of hours! You guys didn't come home until sunrise!(Death Glare from the girls)JJ: (deadpan) Why are you yelling?Prentiss: (deadpan) Make him stop.Morgan: What did you guys drink last night?Garcia: The Green Fairy. You're in the FBI, could you get the entire crowd to stop cheering?(cue amused look from Morgan)
- Smash Cut to Hotch's race with the team in crowd. The girls are wearing sunglasses and look like hell.
- There's also the cute moment when Morgan tells Jack to put on earmuffs and Jack puts his hands on his ears.
- Reid proves that his social ineptitude is still going strong:
Cop: You must be with the FBI.JJ: (shakes his hand) I'm Agent Jareau, and this is Dr. Reid.(Reid recoils from proffered handshake, choosing instead to wave.)Cop: (gives JJ the "what the hell?" look)
Hotch: It's curious, one woman being at the centre of two serial killers.JJ: Yeah, what are the odds of that?Reid: (chirpily) Astronomical! I mean, removing from the calculation serial killer groupies-JJ: Sorry I asked.
- Reid's evolving haircuts throughout the flashbacks.
- A bit of hilarious narcissism:
Morgan: (Explaining how the BAU has evolved over time) ... And now we've even got our own genius.Reid and Garcia: (In unison) Thank you!
- Reid, Garcia and Kevin's Doctor Who cosplays at the beginning of the episode. Particularly when we discover that Reid knit his fourth Doctor scarf himself.
- And not long after that, there's a strong implication that Strauss/Rossi is a thing. For some reason this Troper that moment, especially Garcia and Reid both looking like they can't decide whether it's a coincidence or an actual thing, hilarious.
- The look on Strauss' face as Izzy is putting on makeup while on security footage, knowing that the BAU is watching, is utterly priceless.
- While the entire ending of the finale constitutes a major CMOH, a giggling Reid blowing a kiss to Morgan and Prentiss while they try to dance is certainly liable to crack you up.
8x02 The Pact
- Blake: Is it possible to kill someone in San Diego, and then drive 2 and a half hours up to LA, and then do it again?Reid: If you drove a V-8 engine with a single plane crank shaft 80mph in good traffic (Garcia smirks) and took the I-5 to the 405 to the 10 East, got off on Los Ciegos (Hotch remains impassive), right on Washington, north on Vermont, and then snuck up Selma using the back alley... you could do it in an hour forty-two minutes and still have time for tacos.J.J.: (gives her a "that's why you don't ask questions like that" look)Blake: Wow.J.J.: Yeah.
- Following Reid giving an extensive explanation of common Asperger's behavior, he concludes that Albert Einstein was thought to have had it:
Alex: Well, what about you?Reid: (oblivious) What's that?
Alex: By the way, no offense earlier, when I suggested you had Asperger's.Reid: None taken. (beat) When did you do that?
- Then, later:
- Reid's incredible geekiness on display:
Reid: When I was a kid I made a model of the universe out of salt.Alex: Was it for a school project?Reid: No, it was a birthday present for Carl Sagan, but I don't think he ever got it.
- Reid: Garcia may be right.Garcia: It happens.
- After Reid manages to work out what time the UnSub is setting the watches to:
Morgan: So what does that mean?Reid: I have no idea.Morgan: Reid...Reid: I just know what it says. I don't know what it means.
- Rossi: We're only here to help.Cop Of The Week: Bunch of pencil pushers and accountants, how are you gonna help?Hotch: I'm sorry?Rossi: Hey, what's with you, you need a hug or something?
9x02 The Inspiration (part 2)
- Rossi: The FBI is trending on twitter. Whatever that means.
- It's certainly gross, but also funny:
Bill Robbins: (gestures off screen) Do you like my artwork?Reid: Yeah I do. (beat) Is that your feces?Bill Robbins:...Maybe.
- Rossi walks in to find Reid timing Blake's daily crossword:
Rossi: Happy Wednesday, my nerds.
- Spread out over most of the episode, the local officer growing gradually more bewildered by and then finally accepting Reid's Reid-ness.
Officer: I've learned not to question this guy.
- Garcia asking Reid if she has enough hot sauce.
Reid: (Completely nonchalantly) You have some habanero sauce next to the jar of eyeballs, but I think you'll need to pick up some more.
- Reid's "dark side", manifested as a Dirty Harry impression.
- There's a moment towards the end where Garcia appears in Blake's family home. Alex looks from Garcia to her father, with an expression of complete shock and incomprehension on her face, to which Garcia looks startled and changes the subject. The entire exchange is completely silent, but Jean Tripplehorn and Kirsten Vangsness sell it with their facial expressions.
- Someone reported Morgan and Garcia's banter, and the entire BAU is now being forced to sit through a sexual harassment seminar.
Where's my big black twelve pack?More cushion for the pushin'—Not appropriate
- The best part about the whole scene is that everyone present including the lady holding the seminar (who pretty much singles out Garcia when she tries to leave) seems to know they're the cause of the whole thing and few are taking it seriously.
- The first thing Garcia ever said to Morgan: "When they do the 'Men of the FBI' calendar, is it just 12 pages of you?"
- Everything about Garcia and Reid training.
Reid: (Out of breath) Maybe we should ask Morgan for help.Garcia: (Also out of breath) No!Reid: But he has really good abs.Garcia: Yes he does.
- This episode is a gold mine for one liners.
Garcia: My guess is the same way porcupines make love: very carefully.Reid: In 2011, Matthias Lee filed a civil complaint against Clark Howard "to kiss his ass." Clark Howard responded with a motion to go f... you can't actually do that with male anatomy.
- Wheels Up (Hotch's Song). Proving this may be one of the funniest casts ever.
- The gag reels. You can clearly tell everyone on the show loves what they're doing.