Funny / Company of Heroes

Company of Heroes

Hans: I'm not your mother you asshole, make your own goddamned coffee!
  • Some of the Volksgrenadier quotes in battle are quite hilarious, with the squad leader bemoaning the sheer incompetence of his squad.
    Squad Leader while in combat: Volksgrenadiers, God damn it! Try ACTUALLY aiming!
    Squad Leader, again in combat Volks, for the love of God, stop embarrassing yourselves!
    • The Germans in general are hilarious.
    Reinhard? Fart into the radio!
    Yes sir! *pptht*
    Panzerschreck! Time to UNPIMP HIS RIDE!
    (in a calm jovial tone) First class battle taxi. Driver! A reichsmark extra if you turn around and head for fucking Germany.
    You think you get a tip for dropping us off in combat?!
    I am steel! Oh shit!
    Where are they? Where are those fuckers?
    (dying) Ahhhh! Stop, I command it!
    You have been at the candy again, haven't you?
    * out of breath* I really must get in better shape.
    I am your Leutnant, you will salute when I arrive!
    Increase production now, or I will shoot you as saboteurs.
    That is impossible, are you a spy?
  • The description of Gilroy's Harbor, a skirmish/multiplayer map.
    The residents of Oye swore they would rename their small harbor in honor of the first Allied soldier to liberate them. Lucky for them, Private Gilroy was one step ahead of Corporal Butts.
  • American infantrymen sometime complain if you order them to build sandbags or deploy barbed wire.
    Soldier: I didn't come all the way to Europe to do this.
    Soldier: Sandbags completed, if I see one more bag of fucking dirt...
  • The Tiger Ace's gunner sounds stangely like a stoner.note 
    Tiger Ace Gunner: I could use a good steak. Oh I forgot I don't eat beef.
    Now I want some bacon. I love the smell of bacon. That's my favorite smell in the world. Bacon.
    I bet there's hay in that barn. Lots of hay. You know what you could do with that much hay don't you? Yeah, I don't.
    I saw some real people yesterday. Frenchies I think. They didn't look too happy.
    Actually, I just like to see naked women. It doesn't matter where. Or how.

Company of Heroes 2

  • Here's a collection of funny quotes.
  • When infantry squads get wiped out, your announcer will tell you that. While that happens playing as the Russians, he'll sometimes say so... and add a second later that their clothes and weapons belong to the State.
    • If infantry freeze to death while playing as the Russians, you may hear the announcer complain that if your troops freeze to death, they cannot die fighting the enemy, pretty much in those exact words.
    • When you upgrade the Russian headquarters to have medics around it, the announcer will occasionally have his announcement accompanied by stressing "... but only for those who are seriously wounded!"
  • Selecting a Conscript squad on a winter map occasionally has them respond "... I think I have snow in my pants." said quietly, as if you've interrupted him talking to himself or his squadmates.
  • The tutorial video narrator delivers this gem in the Cover and Flanking Tutorial video:
    You will undoubtedly hear a lot of F-words on the battlefield, but the most important one is Flank.
  • What a Grenadier squad may say when they get promoted:
    I know we have been promoted, but does that include a pay raise?
  • German mortar crews can respond to being promoted with "Apparently, we've been promoted!", doing a Lampshade Hanging of how rather video game-y the veterancy system is in relation to indirect fire squads that (ideally) avoid ever personally seeing the enemy.
    • The American Lieutenant from The Western Front Armies similarly frequently says dialogue with a tone of annoyance on how he's being notified of being promoted while he's, of course, in the middle of a fight.
  • Ordering a Pak 40 crew to move may have its squad leader yell out:
    We ate the horse, remember? Get pulling!
  • German idle chatter occasionally mentions that the Americans keep complaining about Pioneer spam, an infamous multiplayer strategy in the first game.
  • Grenadier squads ordered to attack-move can say:
    Fire at will! No, not at Wilhelm! He owes me money.
  • One of the Oh, Crap! lines from a Soviet Conscript facing a Flamethrower is "I'm getting TIRED of this SHIT!!!" Makes you wonder how many times he had faced a flamethrower before being recruited into your army.
  • When destroyed, the commander of the Russian Scout Car may express regret for having been the Fragile Speedster of the Red Army.
    I should have been a tankist!
  • It turns out that the Commissar which appears at your headquarters while Order 227 is active is aptly named 'commissar_of_death_227_mp' in the game's code.
  • Ordering Panzergrenadiers with Panzerschrecks into a building causes a hilarious inversion of Read the Freaking Manual:
    I KNOW it's technically impossible to shoot a Panzerschreck from an enclosed position. Don't read the FUCKING manual next time, and you won't care so much!!
  • A lot of the battle chatter from the Wehrmacht units can be quite chuckle worthy.
    Machine gun has us pinned! Any lower and I'm going to be fucking this ground!
    (after scoring a kill) We gave them the chance to surrender!... Didn't we?
    Antitank gun is firing! (Beat) Hey assholes, we're Panzer GRENADIERS, not PANZERS!
    I suppose if they are <i>very</i> lucky they can give us a headache with that AT Rifle!
  • One random bit of German infantry chatter has him sum up the Hell of the Eastern Front with a simple, elegant poem.
    Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm stuck on the Eastern Front... AND SO ARE FUCKING YOU!!!
    • This line was actually made up by one of their players (HelpingHans), and Relic Entertainment clearly decided they had to put it in the game.
  • 2 also continues the tradition of having hilarious chatter for the German troops.
    He chewed me out for not saluting, but I had my hands full. I thought he was being a real prick...
    The regimental doctor inspected the battalion and found that everyone had The Clap. Even Reinhardt, and I'm pretty sure he's a virgin.
    Ostfront, fucking hell. I'll give anything to fight the Westerners. Those Americans are always complaining about Pioneer spam.
    When the T-34 first appeared, it was very intimidating, and then we realized the Soviets couldn't shoot or drive for shit.
    For two hours they shelled us with artillery, and not with the little shit either. No, I'm talking the big stuff, 152s and 203s. My balls still haven't came back down.
    We shot at that T-34 57 times with that little 37mm, 57 times, and they still couldn't find us! They finally surrendered, I guess they got a headache and gave up.
  • The Russian units also have some funny lines:
    I told mama I would see Elefants, Tigers, and Panthers. She thought I was visiting Moscow zoo.
    No, I'm not defending German technical superiority, I'm stating the fucking obvious!
    Industrialization, that is the only reason we are still in this war... And my balls... My BIG BALLS!
    Flamethrower, idiot! It throws flames, USE IT!
    You have an anti-tank rifle; over there, is a tank! FIGURE IT OUT!
    I am missing a biscuit! (Beat) STEALING IS NOT THE SOVIET WAY, COMRADES!
    Katyusha. They call it "Stalin's Organ". (Beat) No, a musical organ! Idiot!
  • The Osttruppen, who verbally embodies being the Chew Toy when it comes to the battlefield. Particularly if it's ordered to attack an armored target...
    They want us to attack that Sturmpanzer. (Beat) No, I'm serious! A STURMPANZER.
    KILL THAT TIGER!!! ...Somehow!
    An Elefant! Shoot at the big fucker!
    Taking fire from an assault tank! That's a FUCKING big gun they're shooting at us!
    A FUCKING huge tank is shooting at us!
    Contact! ({Beat}) Fuck, it's an Elefant!!
  • United Kingdom Forces' clearly-Welsh Royal Engineer/Sapper squad have...well, quite a lot of lines for attack orders against infantry where the squad leader say their targets are not the English, but shoot anyway/pretend their targets are the English.
  • One of the trailers for the upcoming The British Forces expansion shows off the Churchill tank. At the end, a Churchill is seen parked next to a German squad fruitlessly emptying their rifles at it, at which point:
    'Ave a grenade, ya cheeky buggers!
    *The turret hatch opens and a grenade flies out, obliterating the attacking squad*
    That'll teach ya to keep away!
    *Churchill casually drives off*
    • The trailer for the Centaur Tank has the stinger of the eponymous tank shooting down German planes in the stylings of a type writer, complete with a ping sound as it revs back to open fire.