Funny / Company of Heroes

Company of Heroes

Company of Heroes 2

  • Here's a collection of funny quotes.
  • When infantry squads get wiped out, your announcer will tell you that. While that happens playing as the Russians, he'll sometimes say so... and add a second later that their clothes and weapons belong to the State.
    • If infantry freeze to death while playing as the Russians, you may hear the announcer complain that if your troops freeze to death, they cannot die fighting the enemy, pretty much in those exact words.
    • When you upgrade the Russian headquarters to have medics around it, the announcer will occasionally have his announcement accompanied by stressing "... but only for those who are seriously wounded!"
  • Selecting a Conscript squad on a winter map occasionally has them respond "... I think I have snow in my pants." said quietly, as if you've interrupted him talking to himself or his squadmates.
  • The tutorial video narrator delivers this gem in the Cover and Flanking Tutorial video:
    You will undoubtedly hear a lot of F-words on the battlefield, but the most important one is Flank.
  • What a Grenadier squad may say when they get promoted:
    I know we have been promoted, but does that include a pay raise?
  • German mortar crews can respond to being promoted with "Apparently, we've been promoted!", doing a Lampshade Hanging of how rather video game-y the veterancy system is in relation to indirect fire squads that (ideally) avoid ever personally seeing the enemy.
    • The American Lieutenant from The Western Front Armies similarly frequently says dialogue with a tone of annoyance on how he's being notified of being promoted while he's, of course, in the middle of a fight.
  • Ordering a Pak 40 crew to move may have its squad leader yell out:
    We ate the horse, remember? Get pulling!
  • German idle chatter occasionally mentions that the Americans keep complaining about Pioneer spam, an infamous multiplayer strategy in the first game.
  • Grenadier squads ordered to attack-move can say:
    Fire at will! No, not at Wilhelm! He owes me money.
  • One of the Oh, Crap! lines from a Soviet Conscript facing a Flamethrower is "I'm getting TIRED of this SHIT!!!" Makes you wonder how many times he had faced a flamethrower before being recruited into your army.
  • When destroyed, the commander of the Russian Scout Car may express regret for having been the Fragile Speedster of the Red Army.
    I should have been a tankist!
  • It turns out that the Commissar which appears at your headquarters while Order 227 is active is aptly named 'commissar_of_death_227_mp' in the game's code.
  • Ordering Panzergrenadiers with Panzerschrecks into a building causes a hilarious inversion of Read the Freaking Manual:
    I KNOW it's technically impossible to shoot a Panzerschreck from an enclosed position. Don't read the FUCKING manual next time, and you won't care so much!!
  • A lot of the battle chatter from the Wehrmacht units can be quite chuckle worthy.
    Machine gun has us pinned! Any lower and I'm going to be fucking this ground!
    (after scoring a kill) We gave them the chance to surrender!... Didn't we?
    Antitank gun is firing! (Beat) Hey assholes, we're Panzer GRENADIERS, not PANZERS!
    I suppose if they are very lucky they can give us a headache with that AT Rifle!
  • One random bit of German infantry chatter has him sum up the Hell of the Eastern Front with a simple, elegant poem.
    Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm stuck on the Eastern Front... AND SO ARE FUCKING YOU!!!
    • This line was actually made up by one of their players (HelpingHans), and Relic Entertainment clearly decided they had to put it in the game.
  • 2 also continues the tradition of having hilarious chatter for the German troops.
    He chewed me out for not saluting, but I had my hands full. I thought he was being a real prick...
    The regimental doctor inspected the battalion and found that everyone had The Clap. Even Reinhardt, and I'm pretty sure he's a virgin.
    Ostfront, fucking hell. I'll give anything to fight the Westerners. Those Americans are always complaining about Pioneer spam.
    When the T-34 first appeared, it was very intimidating, and then we realized the Soviets couldn't shoot or drive for shit.
    For two hours they shelled us with artillery, and not with the little shit either. No, I'm talking the big stuff, 152s and 203s. My balls still haven't came back down.
    We shot at that T-34 57 times with that little 37mm, 57 times, and they still couldn't find us! They finally surrendered, I guess they got a headache and gave up.
  • The Russian units also have some funny lines:
    I told mama I would see Elefants, Tigers, and Panthers. She thought I was visiting Moscow zoo.
    No, I'm not defending German technical superiority, I'm stating the fucking obvious!
    Industrialization, that is the only reason we are still in this war... And my balls... My BIG BALLS!
    Flamethrower, idiot! It throws flames, USE IT!
    You have an anti-tank rifle; over there, is a tank! FIGURE IT OUT!
    I am missing a biscuit! (Beat) STEALING IS NOT THE SOVIET WAY, COMRADES!
    Katyusha. They call it "Stalin's Organ". (Beat) No, a musical organ! Idiot!
  • The Osttruppen, who verbally embodies being the Chew Toy when it comes to the battlefield. Particularly if it's ordered to attack an armored target...
    They want us to attack that Sturmpanzer. (Beat) No, I'm serious! A STURMPANZER.
    KILL THAT TIGER!!! ...Somehow!
    An Elefant! Shoot at the big fucker!
    Taking fire from an assault tank! That's a FUCKING big gun they're shooting at us!
    A FUCKING huge tank is shooting at us!
    Contact! (Beat) Fuck, it's an Elefant!!
  • United Kingdom Forces' clearly-Welsh Royal Engineer/Sapper squad have...well, quite a lot of lines for attack orders against infantry where the squad leader say their targets are not the English, but shoot anyway/pretend their targets are the English.
  • One of the trailers for the The British Forces expansion shows off the Churchill tank. At the end, a Churchill is seen parked next to a German squad fruitlessly emptying their rifles at it, at which point:
    'Ave a grenade, ya cheeky buggers!
    *The turret hatch opens and a grenade flies out, obliterating the attacking squad*
    That'll teach ya to keep away!
    *Churchill casually drives off*
    • The trailer for the Centaur Tank has the stinger of the eponymous tank shooting down German planes in the stylings of a type writer, complete with a ping sound as it revs back to open fire.
  • The British Forces as a whole makes up for a severe lack of humor from the other factions. Filled with deadpan snark courtesy of the Infantry Sections who would make sarcastic quips to humorous small black humor banter. The Announcer also counts as he would deliver the announcements in the most pompous matter,
    "Fire like buggery he said, so I did. Only an officer's arse got in the way and I got one week in the glass house and Rupert's shot bollocks gets a medal"
    My god, a tank's been lost.