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A hard-boiled, charismatic detective, diplomat, and de facto leader of Team Sleuth.
- Aggressive Negotiations - Spoofed - "Sleuth Diplomacy" is only an increasingly indefensible euphemism for canned whoop-ass. And the only time he does have to negotiate he cheats.
- Fair Shake: You give equal consideration to both sides of the argument.
- Impromptu Caucus: Your allies weigh in on the matter.
- Ceasefire: Not one for violence, you opt for the diplomatic route and motion for a laying down of arms.
- Summon Henry Clay: The beasts and the Zombie Muscle have all been slain by the rampaging Kentucky senator.
- Poison Pen Letter: DMK's SICK BURN meter suffers a critical spike.
- PAX PROBLISCUM: In a last ditch effort to salvage diplomatic proceedings, you invoke the ultimate resolution in your formal attache of plenipotentiary clauses, motioning for bilateral demilitarization and cessation of hostilities for the mutual advancement and prolonged commitment to the furtherance of harmonious relations among sovereign parties. PEACE BE WITH YOU.
- Bond One-Liner: Sorry to cut and run...
- Bullet Dodging: Auto-Parry: Sleuth Roll. Played completely straight, unlike his teammates' Auto-Parries.
- The Charmer: Pulchritude is his highest stat.
- Classic Cheat Code: Employed (via GameFAQs no less!) to solve The Plight of the Four Kingdoms without a lot of Backtracking for rare items and reading the instructions for the incomprehensible Allegiance Mesh interface.
- Did You Just Punch Out Cthulhu?: Or rather, Fluthlu. And it was more of a Portal Cut than a punch.
- Face Framed in Shadow: Done while gripping his only friend in the world right now against his palm.
- Guile Hero: Pulchritude is his highest stat (as unconventionally as it ends up getting used).
- Hardboiled Detective: Though none of them are quite as hardboiled as they'd like to think they are, he comes the closest to playing this straight. Fitting, for someone who specializes in pulchritude.
- Jack-of-All-Stats: Hussie specifically describes him as an analogue to Mario in Mario Kart and Ryu in Street Fighter. In fact he's the only one who receives boosts in both of his non-specialized ones when he levels up. For comparison, AD's pulchritude and PI's vim bars actually shrank. In fact, PI lost his vim gauge entirely.
- Knife Nut: TRUSTY KNIVES.
- Lightning Bruiser: As Candy Corn Vampire.
- Locked in a Room: How we meet him at the beginning of the story.
- Mr. Imagination: He likes to imagine that he's a successful detective as opposed to a guy who's locked in his office with a broken telephone.
- Power Gives You Wings: Once he finally uses Sepulchritude.
- Freudian Trio: PS serves as the Ego.
- Private Detective
- Private Eye Monologue: Several, but the one at the end is the longest and most hard-boiled.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Candy corn.
Problem Sleuth's rival turned friend, Ace Dick is a rough-around-the-edges hero with little imagination and a big gun.
- Action Hero: Via his high Vim; Enough to possibly count as a deconstruction if the comic took itself seriously.
- Attack Hello: >Punch * in snout to establish superiority.
- Big Eater: His stomach capacity increases with each Level Up.
- Cloning Blues: Inverted. He becomes a bit envious of Zombie Ace Dick taking his place in the spotlight when the gambit schemas start coming out.
- Dance Battler: Supplements his more mundane attacks with a weaponized Truffle Shuffle. Later performances with his copies increase its potency exponentially.
- Driven to Suicide: During his Game of Life, after the loss of his family, his empire, what little remained of his possessions, and finally finding the Suicide Stump.
- Fat Idiot: He lacks imagination or the patience for puzzles. He's a more successful detective than Problem Sleuth, but that doesn't say much.
- Kevlard: Auto-Parry: Shot in the Gut.
- Locked in a Room: He's in the same situation as Problem Sleuth when introduced.
- Made of Iron / Stone Wall: "Dodges" by taking attacks head-on. See Kevlard.
- More Dakka: Wields a tommy gun, then upgrades to a belt-fed machine gun.
- Mr. Vice Guy
- Freudian Trio: Id all the way.
- Private Detective
- Stout Strength
- Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: With Wifehearst.
- World's Strongest Man: Only the strongest man in the universe can shut the door to the Afterlife or lift the Megaton Key.
An imaginative, polite, but socially awkward detective who teams up with the others against his better judgment. He's instrumental in saving and creating the universe.
- All-Powerful Bystander: As Godhead Pickle Inspector, except when he stitches the universe back together with a length of electrical wire.
- Ambiguous Disorder: Easily distracted, stares intensely at seemingly random things, bumblingly polite in social situations, exceedingly skilled at puzzles and logic problems.
- Ascend to a Higher Plane of Existence: Godhead Pickle Inspector. He sticks around afterwards, but is only capable of fondly regarding creation.
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Auto-Parry: Pickle Distraction
- Awesome, but Impractical: As Tootsie Roll Frankenstein. Ridiculously strong, but very, very, painfully slow.
- Chekhov's Skill: Puzzle games, and oh does it ever come in handy.
- Cloudcuckoolander: See Ambiguous Disorder
- Gentleman and a Scholar: Not the worldly kind of gentleman, but a gentleman nevertheless.
- Improbable Piloting Skills: Once he takes the helm of The Chicago Overcoat and gets a hang of it.
- Locked in a Room: Noticing a theme here?
- Mighty Glacier: Taken Up to Eleven as Tootsie Roll Frankenstein.
- Me's a Crowd: Every particle (or, rather, Part-Pickle) in the universe is in fact a tiny Pickle Inspector.
- Mr. Imagination: He's much better at it than even Problem Sleuth, to the point where one of his imaginary selves ascends to godhood.
- Neutral No Longer: Subverted with Godhead Pickle Inspector. When the fabric of the universe is ripped in half, it looks like he's going to act to help our heroes... Except all he does is just sew it back together, and go about minding his own business.
- Freudian Trio: PI's an obvious Superego.
- Private Detective
- Science Hero: In spirit, though his high Imagination fuels magic in actual practice.
- Squishy Wizard
- Thousand-Yard Stare: His trademark Disconcerting Ogle. Not due to trauma of any kind; He's just like that.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Tootsie Rolls, though not to the same degree of obsession as Problem Sleuth and his candy corn.
A female version of Problem Sleuth drawn into the game via the Quest of Spirit.
- The Berserker
- Chainsaw Good: Once item duality rears its head on her lipstick.
- Chekhov's Gunman
- Damsel in Distress: She gets into a lot of Damsel-like situations, but after managing to get out of her apartment, she Took a Level in Badass.
- Defiant Captive: When captured she's not "hysterical" so much as "furious."
- Distaff Counterpart: To Problem Sleuth.
- Hysterical Woman: Played with. Apparently "hysterical" translates to "berserker rage".
- Size Shifter: A function of the Scale Bodice.
- Static Stun Gun: Her stun gun/paint roller.
- Took a Level in Badass: From when she first agressed MK and onwards.
Pickle Inspector's female counterpart. Suffers from the vapors.
- Distaff Counterpart: To Pickle Inspector.
- Fainting: Though she never actually faints, she's introduced as the stereotypical fainting woman — constantly suffering from a "case of the vapors" and having to keep her nervousness level down. This is used to set up some wordplay, for one of her weapons is a can of flammable paint stripper — a literal case of the vapors.
- Flaming Sword: Her finishing move is throwing a flaming knife.
- Kill It with Fire: She obtains a can of paint stripper/flamethrower, which becomes a staple of her attacks.
- Knife Nut
- Size Shifter: Unlike the Scale Bodice, the Aspect Corset changes its wearer's aspect ratio from tall and thin to short and fat and back.
- Took a Level in Badass: Around the same time as Hysterical Dame.
Fiesta Ace Dick
A giant, red Ace Dick with superhuman strength and durability, born from drinking distilled hot sauce.
- Captain Ethnic: Defied. He starts out with a poncho and sombrero but quickly changes back into his normal clothes, aware that "this silly ethnic shit is probably going to get really old really fast." Later, he begins to use the trope by making others intimidated whenever they intend to bring up his ethnicity.
- Cross-Popping Veins
- Hulking Out: After drinking some homemade Five Alarm Hot Sauce, this Ace Dick turns red and obtains Latin Vim.
- Nigh Invulnerable: His Frijole Aegis is nearly impossible to deplete in a feasible manner.
- Power-Up Full Color Change: He turns red upon eating the Five Alarm Hot Sauce.
- Super Strength
Zombie Ace Dick
Although undead, this stupid, decaying version of Ace Dick remains firmly on the side of the heroes.
- Dumb Muscle: described by the narration as "borderline-retarded".
- Everything's Deader with Zombies
- Nigh-Invulnerability: He "Auto-Parries" attacks by simply absorbing the damage with his rotting flesh, going from "Overripe Produce" to "Bruised Fruit - Half Price" to "Grocer's Worst Nightmare".
- Stone Wall: The main extent of his attacking power is to nibble on Demonhead Mobster Kingpin's molesting flagella.
The Mafioso mastermind responsible for locking the heroes in their office building.
- Big Bad
- Exactly What It Says on the Tin
- Fat Bastard
- Gravity Master: Once he obtains the Gravity Brassiere, he becomes capable of altering his density and transforming into a black hole.
- Mobile Menace: MK is a pretty active villain. When the story starts, he's trapped the heroes in their building, trapped their female alter egos in a dollhouse, and escaped from his own office on the Chicago Overcoat. He then goes on to complete his own Quest of Spirit, although we don't see it.
- Moral Event Horizon: Lampshaded in the book when he beats up Hysterical Dame: Violence toward women is standard practice for characterizing a villain. See? Now you hate him.
- Random Number God: He uses his Running Numbers ability in hopes of shuffling his stats around in his favor. It works.
The matronly paintress who runs Whore Island's Sleazy Brothel in the Sky.
- Chekhov's Gunman: Here.
- Distaff Counterpart: To Mobster Kingpin.
- Mad Artist: She's the fiend responsible for all the murals depicting Ethnic Cheer.
- Miss Kitty
- Morph Weapon: Her Skeleton Brush becomes a variety of different flails, depending on the colors she applied to it, and can switch between them freely.
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: When she gets angry.
Demonhead Mobster Kingpin
Mobster Kingpin's imaginary self who descends to demonhood and threatens the universe.
- Attack Its Weak Point: After one of his health bars is depleted, the heroes get an opportunity to do this.
- Combat Tentacles
- Demon Head: Well, yeah.
- Extra Eyes
- One-Winged Angel
- Light Is Not Good: DMK's Comb Rave is called Fill 'Em With Daylight.
- Marathon Boss: The battle lasts for more than half the story.
- Healing Factor
- Puzzle Boss: Some of the things the heroes need to do to defeat him are ludicrously complicated.
- Red Eyes, Take Warning
- Sequential Boss
- Too Many Mouths
- Turns Red: Depleting his health only causes him to change into a more powerful form.
- Weaksauce Weakness: Diabetes at first, then Emotions, then Insults, although sugar is still needed to finish him off.
The Infinite Summation Honeybee Professor
Provides helpful tips to the player and oversees production of the Jocose Honey that powers the characters' Comb Raves.
- Captain Obvious: "I'm a bee!"
- The Cassandra: Turns out his advice would've been pretty helpful if anyone could put up with him enough to listen.
- Einstein Hair: He's got it.
- Exposition Fairy: He functions this way for his team...or tries...
- The Professor: Naturally.
- Pungeon Master: You can expect a lot of puns from him.
- Unwanted Assistance: In-universe. Those he tries to help tend to bee like that.
A team of ne'er-do-well jazz musicians, consisting of ringleader Spades Slick, master planner Diamonds Droog, brawny safecracker Hearts Boxcars, and Clubs Deuce. They first appeared in the non-canon Problem Sleuth donation comics, and later went on to play an important role in Homestuck.
- Breakout Character: All of them qualify, but Slick is the most dramatic example — he went from being a noncanonical enemy in a handful of Problem Sleuth donation comics to (an alternate version of) a multiverse-spanning nigh-omnipotent threat in Homestuck.
- Casting a Shadow: When introduced, they're said to use "sinister shadow-based magic." We don't really see much of this magic in action, though.
- Face Framed in Shadow: It's their trademark.
- Four Man Band
- Improvised Weapon: Each member has his own signature weapon: Slick's Cast Iron Horse Hitcher, Droog's Ultraviolence Cuestick, Deuce's Crook of Felonynote , and Boxcars' TV Antenna.
- Quirky Miniboss Squad
- Religious Bruiser: This version of Hearts Boxcars is apparently a devout Christian.
- Shout-Out: One member of the Crew is a droog who indulges in a bit of the old ultraviolence.
- Theme Naming: Each member is named after a suit of cards.
The Four HeroesA group of adventurers assembled by the Four Kingdoms: the Weasel Warrior, the Elf Mage, the Hog Cleric, and the Clown Bard. They ultimately achieve very little.
- An Adventurer is You
- Butt Monkey: The Hog Cleric takes a lot of abuse. Most of the time, it's from his own party.
- Total Party Kill
The polite, games-obsessed overseer of the Afterlife.
- Chess with Death: He'll play any game with you, including chess. One such game appears to be a mix of Tetris, chess, sudoku, jousting, and crossword puzzles.
- Don't Fear the Reaper: He's a pretty nice, low-key guy who really enjoys games.
- Extreme Doormat
- Morph Weapon: His scythe, which can turn into anything from a teaspoon to an atomic bomb as required.
Wifehearst and Sonhearst/Bathearst
Ace Dick's wife and son, obtained during a game of Life he plays with Death.
- Disposable Woman: The name "Wifehearst" is a bit of a clue as to how developed a character she is.
- Missing Mom: Sonhearst loses his mother to mobsters, causing him to avenge her by going crimefighting alongside his father.
- Roaring Rampage of Revenge: In the Candy Mecha, no less.
- Ugly Guy, Hot Wife: Ace Dick and Wifehearst.