Lance Galahad
Voiced by: Riccardo Durante
The computer fixit who was tricked by Dr. Neurosis into fixing the computer. All doesn't go well when Lance calls the Mad Scientist "average", and now he's on the run from the Big Bad's minion Fritz as he finds a way to the doc himself. Lance is an avid video game junkie, and a bit of a smart mouth.
- Air Guitar: Lance plays some air guitar in a victory pose after defeating Dr. Neurosis and watching his lair explode.
- Badass Arm-Fold: Lance makes a pose like this in resurrection scenes and in the final confrontation, showing that he is brave in the face of certain death.
- Badass Normal: He's an ordinary human being fighting against a bunch of monsters, witches, vampires, and even against a giant statue! Badass Normal indeed!
- Blowing a Raspberry: While taunting Moose from the top of the basketball net:Lance: [shouts] Hey, looking for me, stitch-lips? [blows a raspberry with his tongue]
- This also occurs in one death scene in the acid fountain when he dodges the spray of acid and acts all "Missed me!" as he blows a raspberry... before another spray of acid hits his face.
- Bound and Gagged: Actually, more "gagged" than "bound", at Vivi's salon. And he will remain that way until you choose the facial.
- Deadly Dodging: He manages to defeat both the twin witches and Neurosis and Fritz by tricking them into hitting something they shouldn't.
- Dies Wide Open: In some of the death scenes, he gets killed with his eyes open.
- Distracted by the Sexy: Lance falls victim to this... but only for a short while, as Vivi stuffs his mouth with his baseball cap right after seducing him.
- Distressed Dude: When he is captured by Vivi for use in a painful "makeover".
- Four-Fingered Hands: Lance has four fingers on each hand, along with other characters.
- Guile Hero: He's smarter than pretty much everyone in the castle. Most of the boss fights involve Lance running away while outwitting his enemies with quick thinking.
- Kid Hero: Lance can be this, since it is implied that he is in his teens, around 16 or 17 years old at the most.
- Long-Haired Pretty Boy: Is rather handsome, and his long, messy mop almost reaches his waist.
- Loud Gulp: When Lance is fighting the ghosts.
- Meaningful Name: Lance's last name, Galahad, has an English origin that means "pure, noble and selfless", and named after one of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table.
- Mooning: One of Lance's cool dance moves in the final confrontation has him baring his behind. Except that his hairy butt is just... squicky.
- Mr. Fixit: In the intro, he's hired to fix Neurosis' computer. Unfortunately, this may not end well...
- Never Bareheaded: Averted in Vivi's Salon, when Vivi grabs Lance's baseball cap and uses it as a gag to ensure that he can't scream during the painful "makeover".
- Also averted in some death scenes.
- Made of Indestructium: His baseball cap can withstand ANYTHING in death scenes (except in cases of fire or electric shock). And it must have been made out of a very special fabric that can withstand acid and sharp objects.
- Oh, Crap!: Lance looks shocked at his inevitable doom in the intro when he discovers that he has put Neurosis' "rage" in our hero's "average" and that Fritz is ordered to kill him for calling the mad scientist "average".
- One-Hit-Point Wonder: When it comes to Family Unfriendly Deaths, Lance fits this trope down to a T. Pretty much every hazard kills him instantly.
- Significant Green-Eyed Redhead: He has red hair, green eyes, and is the main character.
- "Take That!" Kiss: Lance makes one, coupled with a Badass Arm-Fold, to show Fritz that he is not afraid and to dare him to give it all he's got, though our hero is still brave in the face of certain death.
- Tired of Running: In the final confrontation with Dr. Neurosis, Lance is faced by Fritz, who wants to unleash Trigger-Happy terror upon him by unloading every weapon he's got. Of course, Lance can have a choice of running away again by pressing right first or by pressing left twice, but that would only waste more time in endless chasing. The solution? Lance has to move left once, and then right, in order to show Fritz and Neurosis that our hero is tired of running away, then makes a Badass Arm-Fold and a "Take That!" Kiss to show that he is not afraid and is ready for one more challenge that awaits him.
- Totally Radical: He uses hip-sounding slang.
- Traumatic Haircut/Dangerously Close Shave: In one death scene, Vivi gives him one of the "Off with His Head!" variety, when she uses the Sinister Scythe to chop off his long red hair and also his head.
- The Trickster: He enjoys messing with Fritz.
- A Winner Is You: After watching the explosion in Dr. Neurosis' castle, Lance says, "Cool! Back to work!" then makes an Air Guitar of victory and drives away in his truck.
- You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Half the reason why Neurosis wants Lance dead. The other half being that Lance called Neurosis an "average mad scientist".
Dr. Nero Neurosis
Voiced by: Dave Quesnelle
A gigantic brain who was planning on taking over the world. However, during the beginning of the game, the computer breaks down, so he 'hires' Lance to fix it. When he is to get rid of Lance, he calls the Mad Scientist "average", prompting him to command Fritz to finish him off. When Lance escapes, he awaits as Lance confronts him. As soon as he does, he tricks Fritz into firing him, then causes Fritz to fall into Neurosis' tank, and Lance "flushes" the two from one of the controls.
- Berserk Button: He gets really infuriated when Lance calls him "average".
- Big Bad: He's the main villain of the game.
- Big "NO!": On noticing that Fritz has been tricked into completely damaging his computer and machinery after Lance defeats him; this is followed by the Big Bad's shout of "Fritz, you imbecile!"
- Brain in a Jar: He's a disembodied brain in a jar.
- Dr. Brainpart: He is technically named after neurons (nerve cells), even if indirectly (neurosis is a type of mental disorder).
- Evil Is Hammy: Whenever he gets irritated or scared, he really chews the scenery.
- Evil Is Not Well-Lit: In the final confrontation, he fights Lance in the dark with very little lighting.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: He gets defeated by his own plans to kill Lance thanks to our hero's trickery on Fritz.
- Load-Bearing Boss: His castle crumbles to ruins after he's defeated.
- Mad Scientist: He's clearly a scientist who does experiments and isn't right in the head. Lampshaded by Lance.Lance: You're not one of those mad disembodied scientist guys trying to take over the world, are ya?
- Meaningful Name: The first name of Dr. Nero Neurosis has a Latin origin that means "powerful", named after the Roman Emperor Nero; and his last name is derived from a mental disorder, less severe than psychosis, marked by anxiety or fear. No wonder this mad scientist wants to rule the world with an iron fist.
- Morally Ambiguous Doctorate: He's a villain with the title Dr.
- The Name Is Bond, James Bond: He introduces himself to Lance in this manner after getting his computer fixed in the intro.Neurosis: Dr. Neurosis. Dr. Nero Neurosis.
- Non-Action Big Bad: He relies on his henchman, Fritz, to do all the grunt work for him. Justified because he's a Brain in a Jar. This comes back to bite him when he has to rely on him in the final battle and Fritz accidentally destroys his jar.
- Say My Name: Dr. Neurosis tends to shout out Fritz's name, especially in the final confrontation.
- Take Over the World: Dr. Neurosis' overall plan is world domination. This is one of the things mocked by Lance.
- You Know What to Do: Spoken to Fritz in the intro when describing his plan to kill Lance after fixing his computer.
Fritz
Voiced by: Joe Joe Giampapa (though Fritz doesn't speak in any languages at all, but only in grunts and gibberish.)
Fritz is a hunchbacked little imp with hooks for hands, who carries an array of deadly gadgets that he uses to kill Lance. His apparent lack of brains doesn't prevent him from being a lethal adversary. Lance is pursued by him throughout the game. He is Dr. Neurosis' "pet" and diligently follows all orders given to him.
- Butt-Monkey: He suffers through a lot of slapstick thanks to Lance, and this doesn't improve his demeanor at all.
- Cumbersome Claws: Fritz, who has two hooks for hands, is shown damaging Dr. Neurosis' plans as he goes over them.
- Death from Above: How Fritz launches an attack on Lance from the top of the main entryway.
- Determinator: Insanely so. Fritz will chase Lance for the entire adventure, and he is always five seconds behind.
- The Dragon: Throughout the game, Lance has to avoid Fritz's efforts in killing him on Neurosis' orders, so Fritz qualifies as the villainous second-in-command.
- Eye Scream: At the beginning of the game, Lance pokes Fritz's eyes, prompting him to cover them... too bad that he has Hook Hands.
- Fire-Breathing Weapon/Kill It with Fire: Fritz uses the flamethrower to charbroil Lance's head in one death scene. And as if that wasn't enough, the imp reappears to blow on the charbroiled skull, rendering it like dust in the wind.
- Hard Head: During the confrontation on the stairs, Lance uses a big, strong iron hammer to whack Fritz on the head, which only makes him suffer a minor concussion until he gets up and chases him again.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: During the stairs sequence, after Fritz gets hit by a Super Rug-Pull and loses his weapons, Lance can steal his weapons to use against him, including at least two hammers.
- Hook Hand: He has hooks in place of hands, which he can replace with several different weapons.
- Hyperspace Arsenal: Fritz carries a wide variety of weapons under his coat.
- The Igor: He's your standard issue hideous hunchback assistant.
- I'm a Humanitarian: Several of the deaths involve Fritz eating Lance somehow.
- Improbable Hairstyle: In this case, short hair with a short pigtail standing up.
- Leitmotif: While it sees use once or twice elsewhere, the first five notes of "Fritz Sword Fight" primarily accompany him throughout the game - in particular, playing in most of the fail animations that feature him and in the resurrection animations of his areas. You will end up familiar with the theme long before hearing it in full in the final battle.
- Oh, Crap!: Fritz realizes to his terror that he's in trouble when he realizes what Lance was doing with the carpet...
- Psycho for Hire: Neurosis orders him to kill Lance, and he's all too eager to do so.
- Solid Gold Poop: Lance asks Fritz for bubble gum to fix Neurosis' computer. He instead takes a chunk of snot Fritz was going to eat after picking his nose and it works just fine.
- Spotlight-Stealing Squad: Definitely gets more attention than Lance. He even has a spot in the above box art which says "Starring Fritz". Not bad for a Determinator maniac who is so hell-bent on using so many ways to kill Lance.
- Threatening Shark: In this case, Fritz, disguised as a shark, in one of Lance's death scenes.
- Trenchcoat Warfare: Though not an actual trenchcoat, Fritz invokes this with his vest at several points, including the cover.
- Trigger-Happy: When he goes all-out on Lance in a blaze of glory during the final confrontation with Dr. Neurosis, he just starts shooting at Lance like a madman. Results in Hero-Tracking Failure if Lance plays the cards right.
- Too Dumb to Live: Lance tricks him into making him look in his own cannon hand during the beginning of the game by yelling "Boom!" before the fuse goes out.
- The Unintelligible: He doesn't say any actual words and only grunts incoherently.
- Villainous Breakdown: Fritz's patience begins to visibly wear thin as you progress through timing events where he's the danger. He finally snaps at the end, unloading upon Lance with every ranged weapon he has while blindly charging at our hero. This tunes out Neurosis' demands and pleas for him to stop since he's slowly destroying the doctor's jar in the process.
- Where's the Kaboom?: How Fritz gets tricked into looking in the cannon.
- Wingding Eyes: Fritz gets so angry that, in the final confrontation, he uses these eyes as a slot machine, thinking up many methods of killing Lance. One of these methods includes a high-heeled shoe.
Vivi
Voiced by: June Brown
Vivi is a curvaceous, vampiric vixen with a Southern belle accent who runs a "funeral salon". It is generally an excuse for her to dismember or suck the blood of unwary or unwilling patrons like Lance.
- Amazing Technicolor Population: She's a vampire with purplish skin.
- Beauty to Beast: In the end, Lance makes her fall into her own Beautifier, which overloads and explodes and reduces her to an ugly old hag.
- Big Eater: In the most basic death scene she can inflict, if Lance waits too long to choose a service, she can't resist drinking his blood, completely exsanguinating him in the span of about 1 to 2 seconds by sucking his blood.
- Bond One-Liner: After cutting off Lance's head or his hand, she delivers this one to him that would make Steve Urkel jealous:Vivi: [innocently] Awww, did I do that?
- Buxom Beauty Standard: She has a well-endowed chest that both Lance and Fritz can't help but stare at.
- Early-Bird Cameo: At the beginning of the game, there's a portrait of her in one of the rooms before meeting her.
- Effortless Amazonian Lift: She picks up Lance with one finger by the back of his shirt, before tossing him across the room and into a chair. Then she does the same thing to Fritz, but throws him into an iron maiden!
- Expy: She looks more like a double expy cross between the Bride of Frankenstein and Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
- Faux Affably Evil: She acts very polite and affectionate to both Lance, who she tries to chop to pieces or drain to the husk, and Fritz, who she throws into a spiked coffin. However, if the sadistic smirk she makes after killing Lance is any indication, her friendly behavior is just a facade she puts on to catch her victims off-guard to kill them easier.
- Feet-First Introduction: We first see her feet before the scene pans up to show the rest of her.
- Gasshole: Let's out a loud belch after draining Lance of blood in one of the death scenes.
- Girl with Psycho Weapon: Just when you think she can do a manicure as in "treatment for fingernails", she uses the word "manicure" as in "cutting off people's hands with a butcher knife", which she has! Yikes!
- Hoist by Her Own Petard: Lance defeats her by making her fall into her own Beautifier. Though not dead, she is reduced to an ugly old hag.
- Impossible Hourglass Figure: She has large breasts and hips with a narrow waist.
- Male Gaze: Vivi says she's a little bit "behind". When she says this, we see a close-up of her rear.
- Missing Reflection: Vivi has no reflection when she looks at her facial mirror (save for her lipstick), revealing that she is a vampire. Not like this wasn't obvious before.
- Ms. Fanservice: Being a curvaceous vampire, she's clearly the game's main source of fanservice.
- Obfuscating Stupidity: She treats Lance as if he were valued customer and seems totally unaware that her attempts at "styling" are fatal to him... but that sadistic smirk on her face whenever she "accidentally" kills him says it all.
- Pointy Ears: Vivi is a vampire with pointed ears.
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: When she is prepared for a Vampiric Draining of Lance in one death scene, her eyes become red.
- Sinister Scythe: She uses a miniature scythe to try chopping Lance's head off.
- Southern Belle: She's a beautiful woman with a Southern accent.
- Statuesque Stunner: When she lifts Lance up, you can notice she's much taller than him.
- Undeathly Pallor: Her sky blue skin is the more obvious sight that she's an undead vampire.
- Vampires Are Sex Gods: She's a vampire with an Impossible Hourglass Figure, a Southern Belle accent and her dialogue is peppered with innuendo.
- Vampiric Draining: Vivi will do this to Lance if he doesn't make a choice of either a shave, manicure, or facial quick enough. And the result is downright unpleasant: though over in a split-second, we see Lance visibly shriveled into a mummy-like state as a result of her appetite.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: She demonstrates the ability to shapeshift into a bat.
Moose
Voiced by: Blayne Burnside
A big, dumb, Frankenstein's Monster-like giant, who spouts various sports phrases and wields a baseball bat and a football.
- Batter Up!: In one part of the scene, Moose wields one giant baseball bat, intending to bash Lance's brains out if you're not quick or careful.
- The Brute: He's a muscular monster who relies on his strength to get the job done.
- Delinquent Hair: He sports a mean purple mullet.
- Dumb Muscle: Doesn't seem to show much in the ways of intellect.
- Frankenstein's Monster: He's green and he seems to be held together with stitches.
- Gretzky Has the Ball: Most of Moose's dialogue.Moose: "Alright, squirt! Third down, bases are loaded, and we're pullin' the goalie!"
- Jerk Jock: He's into all kinds of sports and a violent brute.
- Psychopathic Manchild: Comes off as an immature bully.
- X-Ray Sparks: He meets his end by electrocution, during which is skeleton is visible.
