The Probability of Spontaneous Combustion, and Other Everyday Errands (A Text Adventure)

Just like the many other forum games that are regaining their popularity nowadays, The Probability of Spontaneous Combustion, and Other Everyday Errands is a comedic play-by-post text adventure. To play, all you have to do is input a command in your post (for example, >Pick up the bucket) and watch the results unfold. The story is influenced by the commands players type in the thread, be it ten of them at once or even just one.

Those are the basics—so have fun, and of course, thanks for playing.

It's 7:00 AM sharp when you hear your phone's alarm go off.

Slamming your hand down on the bedside table, you pull off your sheets and are about to leap out of bed...when you suddenly remember you have the day off work today. Sighing, you settle back down.

Where were we, again? You think it was something about a busted water pipe at the office—you don't know all of the details, but the point right now is, you have a whole 24 hours of infinite possibilities at your fingertips. Many of them can be accessed in this very room. If you go out in town, who knows what kind of ridiculous situations you'll discover.

With that in mind, what's your next move?

>Input command.

> Take a bath and make a breakfast

>go outside

> but first, retrieve the Secret Item hidden under your bed

Edited by Zanreo on Sep 20th 2019 at 1:24:19 PM

>Make some toast and read the paper

> google "yaoi"

>Take a bath and make a breakfast

A reasonable choice. After getting out of the shower and putting on more presentable attire than what you've slept in, you head into the kitchen to have some breakfast.

>Make some toast and read the paper

You grab a bite of toast and drop into one of your chairs to check up on what's going on around town, in the old-fashioned way.

Just glancing at the headlines, you don't see anything too notable. An odd building fire here, a report of unusual happenings in the downtown bars there...

But according to one of the news stories, there's supposed to be a convention held today. You wonder if you can attend it yourself, considering the venue's not that far from your apartment.

>google "yaoi"

You'd rather not. The last time you tried looking that up was as a curious middle schooler, and needless to say, you wish you'd had some bleach on hand to prepare for what you saw.

>go outside
>but first, retrieve the Secret Item hidden under your bed

Of course, you almost forgot. You head back to retrieve your magical leafblower from under the depths of your dungeonlike dwelling—

...Well, not exactly. It's not magical, but it's a leafblower all right, and a gift from an eccentric relative that you hadn't bothered to get rid of yet. Some people might say it's a strange thing to have under your bed, but it's helped you out in a surprisingly large amount of situations.

Like the one time that guy broke into your bedroom. Maybe it could be of use to you today.

Anyway, you go downstairs and head out.

Now that you're out and about, there's plenty of options to check out. The local library, the grocer's, the dinosaur exhibits at the museum, hell, even the train commute to the beach.
And there are the more varied parts of the city further uptown or downtown—karaoke bars and cat cafes, just to name a couple—too.

Where to now? It's your call.

> Library. Nothing's better than reading a good book and greeting the Database Manager there.

Edited by TroperNo9001 on Sep 20th 2019 at 8:48:45 PM

> Go all out at karaoke

>Go all out at karaoke

It's 7 AM, the karaoke bar isn't open yet.

>Library. Nothing's better than reading a good book and greeting the Database Manager there.

You take a quick walk through the streets and eventually arrive at the library.

It's a pretty big place—not your standard local establishment, but a massive, high-roofed building that reminds you somewhat of a warehouse. The walls are lined with bookshelves farther than you can see, with a set of stairs leading upwards to the second floor.

One of the librarians, a dark-haired woman with blue framed glasses, greets you as you enter.

There's apparently an event going on, what with the banners put up and how many people there are. A book signing, maybe? You glance around. Maybe you could look for something specific among the books, or go about seeing the seating area.

Whatever it is you want to do, whether it's just browsing the shelves or checking out the event, you should probably decide before you get too lost in the crowd.

>Look for the manga section.

> Go to book signing

>Play Idle Breakout on computer

> Talk to the librarian. Maybe she knows what you're looking for?

>Go to book signing

You push your way through the throngs and find yourself standing at a clearer area near the back of the library, where a few temporary chairs and a desk are set up at.

The book signing seems to be for a novel called "Occult Memoirs", and the man running the signing stand—the author?—looks somewhat like a cross between Edgar Allen Poe and, judging from the expression on his face, a homeless guy on acid.

The crowd gathered around is listening eagerly to him explaining his personal experience with studying native tribes, who put him through various ancient torture rituals and inspired him to write said book. Okay. Not disturbing at all.

Maybe you're just too deep in the literary world.

>Talk to the librarian. Maybe she knows what you're looking for?

Leaving the scene, you walk back to the main area, scouting out for any signs of that manga you've been meaning to check out for a while now.

You decide to talk to the librarian you saw earlier, who sees you as you approach, and smiles as you give her the inquiry. "It's over on the left, three-quarters down the shelves."

She seems pretty well-acquainted with the library. Not that you'd expect less from—was it the manager of this place?
You offhandedly notice the digits "#6001" printed on the ID she's wearing as you thank her and leave.

>Look for the manga section.

Following the librarian's directions, you finally find the manga section. As you pull one of the volumes off the shelf, you hear someone walk up directly behind you. You steal a quick glance over your shoulder and nearly jump a mile.

There's a teenaged girl standing less than a foot away from you.

Eyes fixed, completely unmoving, on your own.

It's...kind of unsettling. You awkwardly move away from her, and she only follows, shifting her position in an almost robotic manner.

You're at it for a couple minutes, but a few of the other people around finally notice when she opens her mouth.

That is, to reveal a set of fangs.

Great.

> Read that manga to see if it has any tips on how to defeat vampires.

>Roundhouse Kick her.

>Put the manga in her mouth and run.

> pull out your phone and show her images of vampires being lesbians

> Find a Bible.

> Spit in her mouth, punch her in the throat and run.

Edited by KeironCioran on Sep 20th 2019 at 1:10:51 AM

> Get the hell out of there

> Ask what the heck is going on

>Read that manga to see if it has any tips on how to defeat vampires.

You flip through the manga you're holding to try and save yourself, but the only real solution that it can give you are to have the same powers as the vampire, be 17 years old, and to have a really nice hat.

None of which apply to you, right now.

>Find a Bible.

Those are all the way across the library.

>pull out your phone and show her images of vampires being lesbians
>Ask what the heck is going on

So, with no other solution in sight, you panic and google "adventure time", then shove the screen into the girl's face.
It doesn't have much of an effect, since she only stares at it for a few seconds. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Could trying to get the situation under control work better? You ask her what's really going on.

She responds by yelling "I REJECT MY HUMANITY!" and lunging at you.

>Roundhouse Kick her.
>Spit in her mouth, punch her in the throat and run.
>Put the manga in her mouth and run.

You're experiencing a complete sensory overload here. That's a little much to think about when you're in the middle of being assaulted by supernatural creatures, isn't it?

But you somehow manage to freak out enough that you reflexively roundhouse kick her, spit in her mouth, swing at her throat, and shove the copy of your manga down it, before breaking into a sprint for the exit.

Hopefully you don't get arrested for that.

>Get the hell out of there

You run out of the library as fast as you can, making sure to put as much distance between you and the potential vampire as possible. She doesn't seem to have followed you, though.

That was...eventful.

Now that you're standing outside on the street, winded from what you just did, you notice that it's already 8:00 AM. There's still plenty of things left to do today, in any case.

Nearby here, there's the museum, the park, a convenience store, your apartment, and the venue where the convention's being held.

Uptown, there are more elaborate places, like malls and cinemas. There's other establishments downtown too, say, restaurants and some bars, but most of them aren't open until later in the day.

And of course, there's the train station, which could take you elsewhere, if you're so inclined to.

> get to the airport and move the hell away to manila