Quotes / Expospeak Gag

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

— Reputed answer to a bonus question on an engineering midterm exam. Not a true story, mind you, but funny nonetheless.

Date: ██-██-████
Man walks into the bar.
Notes: Medic team arrives approximately ██ after incident. Male treated for concussion.

— SCP Foundation, SCP-333-J

"What you are now is still a matter of debate. The memetics wonks think we are Bader-Ramjin Infomorphic Entities in the noosphere, whereas the parapsychologists say we are Type VI Volitional Spiritual Apparitions. Whatever we are, we are here, and unable to disperse, or move on to a higher plane of existence, or reach a state of maximum entropy, or whatever we are supposed to do."

— A deceased member of the SCP Foundation's Mobile Task Force Omega-Zero, describing your new existence as a ghost

"Wow this question is silly, BUT DO ADULT FEMALE TROLLS WEAR BRAS? Or do they not have meat sacs on their chests?"
Whatever it is they wear, they probably don't call them bras. They probably call them something ridiculous like heft satchels or protrusion hammocks. Bulbhuggers?
Jut duffels.
Gland hoisters?
Ok one more...
Actually no that's all I got.
(Wobble rucksack.)

— Andrew Hussie responding to a question, via Tumblr

"It's funny, it looks great, and it makes us want to kick a Demoman in an extremely precise area (that the bean counters won't let us mention because they're all such huge extremely precise areas)."

— The Team Fortress 2 developers regarding a contest-winning poster

"This is going to sound like a corny line, but did anyone ever tell you that configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?"

— Kryten, Red Dwarf, "Camille"

"Bolt Guard statistical assessment: Powerful. Smart. Handsome. Bolt Guard intent: Smack-laying in a downward direction."

— Jugger, Advance Wars: Dual Strike

By Authority of the Super Extra Very Sovereign Council of Mages Without Digits Within Bowels
Hereas the Gateway Inn and all its dark and secret places have been found to be completely free of spooks, boojums, snarks, spectral goats, revenant toiletries, or cannibal vampire anchovies,
Muthsera Mistress Dunmer-from-Far-Away Mage-Lady, Lord High Inspector of Hostelry for the Town of Sadrith Mora aforesaid, does pronounce the Gateway Inn free and clean of all otherworldly, hostile, and malign entities, with the exception of the profound and displeasing odor that arises from the Prefect of Hospitality, which, despite the preternatural magnitude of its offensiveness, may well derive from altogether more mundane sources.
Signed,
Muthsera Mistress Dunmer-from-Far-Away Mage-Lady
Representing the Super Extra Very Sovereign Council of Mages Without Digits Within Bowels

— "Ghost-Free Papers" written by Uleni Heleran, The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind

Riker: Our mental pathways have become accustomed to your sensory input pattern.
Data: Thank you, sir.

— Star Trek: The Next Generation, Riker echoes Data's interpretation of friendship

"This platform came to engage in foot-based kinetic impact with posteriors and simulate the mastication of bubblegum. And this platform is presently devoid of bubblegum."

— Geth Juggernaut Cain 1-1, Reinforcements

Zeller: The ecchymosis of the subcutaneous tissue is consistent with—
Price: She was strangled. [aside to Zeller] That's a little wordy.

— Hannibal

"Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'."

— Michael McClary

Vaarsuvius: Fascinating. Durkon, I have just now formulated a theory that encompasses both Nale's likely method of engagement and the most suitable response on our part.
Durkon: THA TREES BE ATTACKIN'!! RUN FER YER LIVES!!!
Vaarsuvius: Ah, I see you have already grasped the core principles of my theory.

— The Order of the Stick

The form of the rock band came into its present state over the course of the latter half of the Twentieth Century. A rock band consists of a small number of vocalists and musicians (most commonly four, but sometimes numbering more), usually playing electric guitar, drums, electric bass, and sometimes additional instruments such as keyboards, acoustic guitars, tambourine, and cowbell. The cacophony of their "music" is increased by liberal use of amplification devices, a notable contrast from more elegant small ensembles, like the chamber orchestra.
A touring rock band may be accompanied by specialists in construction, electronics, logistics, merchandising, and — should the audience not be impressed by the atonal jangling of the "musicians" — pyrotechnics. The relationship between the roadie caste and the musicians is a complex one whose nuance exceeds the scope of the Civilopedia.
All rock music is too loud.

— From the Civiliopedia entry on Rock Bands, Civilization VI

"Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropriate the formulary for the preparation of affordable comestibles! Who will join me?"

— Plankton, SpongeBob SquarePants, "Plankton's Army"

Peridot: [trying to disassemble a microwave] I just need some sort of leverage optimizer...
Amethyst: "Leverage optimizer"?
Peridot: That's what I said.
Amethyst: Oooh, ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? Ha ha!
Peridot: Do you have one or not?

— Steven Universe, "Too Far"

"My goodness, my glass house is sparkling delightfully in the morning sun. What a nice day to indulge in my favourite hobby of projectile mineralogy."

— Zero Punctuation, review of South Park: The Fractured but Whole^note As a Hypocrisy Nod when describing the show's creators as being grown men making a living off of juvenile humour

Perceptor: Ultra Magnus, a cursory evaluation of Decepticon capability indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.
Ultra Magnus: In other words, Perceptor?
Springer: We're outnumbered!

—The Transformers: The Movie

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